Have you every received bad marriage advice? We sure have!
In today’s episode, I’m joined by my friend and returning guest, Monica Tanner. She recently released her book Bad Marriage Advice, and together we unpack some of the most common (and harmful) myths about marriage and sex and what the real advice should be.
If you’ve ever wondered whether the “wisdom” you heard before your wedding day was worth following—or if you’re trying to sort through conflicting advice about sex and intimacy—this episode is for you.
👉 Plus, Monica is giving away a copy of her new book in our private Facebook group, Christian Couples Improving Sex & Intimacy.
And if you’re ready to take your own intimacy to the next level, applications are now open for our in-person couples retreat. Four days at a private resort, with gourmet meals, expert coaching, outdoor adventures, and life-changing breakthroughs in your sex life. Details are at getyourmarriageon.com.
Transcript
This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors or inaccuracies. For the most accurate and complete experience, we recommend listening to the full podcast episode.
Bad Marriage & Sex Advice – Monica Tanner
Dan: A little while ago, Emily and I went to a wedding reception of a family friend of mine. Their daughter was getting married, and they did something clever while we were waiting in line to congratulate the couple. They had a little table with a lot of note cards and a big sign that says, write your best marriage advice on the card and drop it in the box.
And uh, it was fun to see [00:01:00] people ahead of us in line and behind us in line. Filling out these cards for marriage advice, and I’ve often wondered what kind of advice did they give that couple, when that couple walked away from the wedding reception, they probably had hundreds, maybe over 200 note cards with different advice.
What kind of advice do you think, would be helpful for them? Or is there any bad advice in there? Looking back on my own experience, I remember getting ready for marriage. It was probably just a few days before a wedding day and wanting some sex advice, uh, completely new to this experience. I wanna to be great and the advice I got was.
Okay. Just remember boys are more like dogs and girls are more like cats. And at the time it didn’t make any sense to me and that’s probably bad advice I received ’cause it didn’t really prepare me for the wedding night anyway. What bad marriage advice have you received? What bad sex advice do you.
That’s the topic of this podcast episode. It’s a little tongue in cheek. It’s gonna be a little bit fun, [00:02:00] and my guest today is Monica Tanner. She’s been a guest on my podcast for a few times. She’s a great friend of mine and she just recently published a book called Bad Marriage Advice, and we do a deep dive into some of the advice that’s perpetuated often in our culture, but actually doesn’t really help the couple.
It’s actually bad advice. We’re gonna do a deep dive on some of those things. And if you like this, you might wanna join our private Facebook group ’cause Monica is giving away a copy as, uh, sweepstakes as a, uh, just for fun. There’s a giveaway going on. Anyway, it’s happening in our private Facebook group, and you’ll find those details How to join.
It’s called Christian Couples Improving Sex and Intimacy in Marriage. You’ll find the link to that in the show notes below. I also want to tell you that our upcoming Get Your Marriage on In-Person Retreat is happening next April, and we’re now open for applications. Now is the time to register. Now this retreat is in [00:03:00] person and it’s not in a stuffy hotel conference room.
We have rented out an entire resort. We bring in a private chef to cook all your meals, and it is romantic. It’s also really fun and upbeat. It’s four days and four. So it’s, it’s a longer one because we want that time to do a deep dive on all things intimacy in your marriage. We have different sessions with myself and my staff of professional coaches.
We also give you a chance to privately coach with us so we can work with you privately in one-on-one settings to help you overcome whatever obstacles you find you’re facing in your marriage today. We also take you outdoors. Uh, we have some fun activities. We also will really challenge you, and most couples who attend and do the assignments that we give them walk away completely transformed, especially in their sex life.
This is ideal for couples who say they are in an otherwise happy relat. But wish things were better, clicked better when it came to sexual intimacy, and that’s what it’s all [00:04:00] about. You’ll find all those details on our website. Get your marriage on.com. Click events and look for the in-person, couples retreat.
Now let’s talk about some bad marriage advice with Monica Tanner.
Dan: Monica, welcome back to the Get Your Marriage On Podcast. It’s an honor to have you here
Monica Tanner: Oh my gosh. I always love our conversation, Sam. It’s gonna be so fun.
Dan: Yep. For our listeners who don’t know who you are, you’ve been on my podcast a few times. In fact, I think your episode number two or three
Monica Tanner: Oh
Dan: at the very start of Get
Monica Tanner: nice.
Dan: on. I look up to you, I admire you, and the work you’re doing is amazing. So I’m honored to have you here today. We gotta talk about what we gotta
Monica Tanner: Yay.
Dan: So, I don’t think our listeners know, but you were really adamant about following good marriage advice, even from a young age. Can you tell us how that
Monica Tanner: Yeah, well I just remember as a child, I was obsessed with fairytales and rom-coms and I used to just spin around the house like bell and flip my hair like Ariel, and [00:05:00] I just thought life was supposed to be a fairytale and my life kind of was. My parents never fought. I, you know, I feel like I was part of a really happy family until when I was.
12 years old, my parents sat us down and explained to us that they would be splitting up. And I was like, wait, what? Like that’s not how any fairytale ends. Right.
Dan: Uhhuh
Monica Tanner: And I think at that tender age, I was so like. Just disillusioned, like that’s not what’s supposed to happen. That I started literally studying my friends’ parents and like writing in journals.
Like I remember one specific friend whose mom was so amazing and she used to clip coupons for her, so like for her to get like her shampoo and conditioner. And I was like, okay, you know, good spouse. And she would do the same thing for her husband, like the things that he really liked. She would clip the coupons, right?
And so I was like, I had an entry in my journal as like a good wife, a good mom like knows the her [00:06:00] people’s favorite things, you know,
Dan: Yes.
Monica Tanner: and makes it easier for them to get their favorite shampoo and whatever that is, right. So I like literally took notes. But what I started to realize was that most couples were not, they didn’t seem like they were having fun, like they seemed like, like life together was a lot of work.
And so I studied in college sociology and child development. Like I was really keyed in on how do I make marriage fun for the long term? Like, I wanna be together with my husband forever and I want our life together to be fun. And so those are the things I really focused on.
Dan: Uhhuh, Uhhuh. And ironically, your parents are both
Monica Tanner: Right?
Dan: what I understand,
Monica Tanner: Yes.
Dan: And, and all of this, you’re really focused on that. Then you meet
Monica Tanner: Mm-hmm.
Dan: and then you get married, and then tell me
Monica Tanner: Yeah, well, I felt so equipped to create my happily ever after fairytale, right? Because I mean, I had been studying it, like I knew all the things to do,
Dan: [00:07:00] right.
Monica Tanner: but then I got married and it was anything but a fairytale. Like I will tell you, my husband is awesome. We come from so different backgrounds. I mean, we were raised in different religions.
Our families were so different. We’re raised on different sides of the country. Like anything you can imagine for us to be like polarized on, we were, I mean, we had the same goals. I guess, but we had very different backgrounds and not only just like all of that physical stuff, but emotionally as well. So I come from, you know, my parents divorced, my mom moved away.
Like I have major abandonment issues and my husband just like, is very centered and like there’s enough love to go around. Like, why would anyone not love anyone else? Like just, you know, love is all around right. So I remember our first big fight when we were in college. Okay. I was working full-time ’cause I had already graduated.
So I was working full-time at a [00:08:00] daycare and he
Dan: Uhhuh.
Monica Tanner: going to school full-time. And so he would study late at night and I remember just feeling like frustrated. ’cause I would come home from work and I would make us, you know, top ramen or rice or you know, something very fancy for dinner.
Dan: Uhhuh, right.
Monica Tanner: Yes, and he would not come home until like super late, and I was feeling.
Kind of alone and abandoned and yeah, I was like, where’s my husband? I thought we were supposed to spend all this time together and I made this awesome dinner and like I’m eating it by myself, you know? And so I remember he came in one one night, late at night after, you know, being at the library, studying like a good.
Student and I was just like, you know, this was long before there were cell phones, so it’s not like he could text me and tell me he was gonna be late. I just would like wait for him. And so I’m sure I was very attacking and I was like, you know, I’ve been waiting for you and now your dinner’s cold and you know, like, where have you been?
And he has a very different kind of fighting [00:09:00] style. So for him, he’s like an internal processor. He felt very attacked and so he was like, you know, we went back and forth a little bit, but then he like turned around and left, like walked out of our apartment and I was like, oh. And again, this was before cell phones.
I couldn’t track him. I didn’t know. I had no idea where he went. I had no idea when he was coming back and I was like planning the divorce, I was like packing my bags. I was like. It’s over. Like I guess he walked out and he’s done. And you know, I guess I’m gonna fly home with my tail between my legs and I, I failed at the whole marriage thing, right?
I mean, I spiraled quickly and I remember just crying myself to sleep that, that night I was, I think by that point I was pregnant. ’cause I remember being very tired. And so I must have just like cried myself to sleep. I have no idea how I fell asleep when he wasn’t home, but. He came in and he was carrying two baskets of clean laundry.
He had literally gone to the [00:10:00] laundromat, done the laundry, and studied. And I was like, planning the divorce and he came in and he was like, you know, I just needed, you know, you were all worked up. And I didn’t know how to deal with it. And he didn’t handle emotions very well. So, I mean, there’s so much that we’ve learned in our 23 years together.
But in the beginning he didn’t do emotions, so like me crying, he was like, I gotta get outta here. I don’t know what to do. Right.
Dan: Uhhuh, Uhhuh,
Monica Tanner: So, yeah, that was a a, a tough first argument.
Dan: And fast forward 23 years now and your oldest son is now married. Just got
Monica Tanner: Just got married about a month ago.
Dan: Congratulations.
Monica Tanner: was a great day.
Dan: so I bet you have all sorts of feelings feels about your son being married ’cause you remember how you were around that time.
Monica Tanner: Gosh, I mean, just being young and so in love and what could go wrong and just all the promise of happily ever after. You know, it’s such a magical day and theirs was [00:11:00] so magical,
Dan: Uh huh Uhhuh.
But you wanted to, uh, give your son some different advice than you got yourself or that you gave yourself. Tell me how this
Monica Tanner: Yeah. Well it’s, it’s so interesting really because he’s so young and his bride is so young. I mean, they’re both 21 and I just remember him telling me that he was ready to get married, and I thought, oh my gosh, like, okay. I, I, I didn’t have a leg to stand on ’cause my husband and I weren’t engaged for very long.
We kind of knew really early on that we wanted to get married and there wasn’t anyone who was gonna talk us out of it. So I knew
Dan: Yes.
Monica Tanner: you know, there wasn’t gonna be any of the like, but you haven’t known each other for very long. We haven’t met each other’s families. And like, did have you even had your first argument?
You know, there was none of that. It was just like, okay, I’m so excited for you and. I have so much I want to share with you. And so I sat down to write like this love note, you know, just kind of like a, you know, from my heart, [00:12:00] like, here’s a few things that I just want you to know as you embark on this adventure together.
And the note just kept getting longer and longer and longer until it turned into a book. And I tease him because the book hasn’t actually come out yet. And I was like, turns out you weren’t even engaged long enough for me to actually go through the whole process of publishing a book.
So I wanted to give it to him for his wedding, but I had to just tell him about it because they weren’t engaged for long enough. It takes a little while to publish a book.
Dan: Wow. All right. What’s this book called and what’s in it?
Monica Tanner: Yeah, so funny enough, the book is called Bad Marriage Advice De
Dan: How
Monica Tanner: Yes, debunking Myths That Will Make You Miserable in What to Do Instead. And so I wrote it to just kind of be like a beginner’s guide, cautionary tale, like look out for. This well-meaning advice because they’re so young and I knew that everyone was gonna come through the [00:13:00] line just like they did for me and my husband.
And they’re all gonna give you these little tidbits, like these little cliche pieces of advice that sound really good when you, when you hear them, you’re like, oh, yeah, yeah, that’s great advice. But when you actually put them into practice, they sometimes cause disaster. And so I wanted them to be aware of.
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Monica Tanner: You know, I wanted them to be aware of these kind of recipes for disaster, but also have a better way to handle these types of things.
Dan: Great. So let’s spend some time going through your bad marriage advice. Let’s talk about maybe
Monica Tanner: Yeah,
Dan: with our
Monica Tanner: yeah. And you’ve, you’ve read an early copy of the book, so you have good insight.
Dan: it’s a great book,
Monica Tanner: Oh, thank you.
Dan: and it’s, I love it because the chapters are relatively short and they’re humorous. Your jokes are funny.
Monica Tanner: I think I.
Dan: I think you’re too right.
They’re good. It is like when people get married, [00:14:00] marriage is like a card game. All you need is two hearts and a diamond, but by the end they’re looking for spades and clubs. Like that’s a funny joke. Little cynical, but it’s a funny joke. Um, it’s just full of great ones anyway. So, uh, tell me about this bad marriage advice.
Why do you think this is bad marriage advice? All you need is love.
Monica Tanner: Oh, so that is such a, you know, it’s such a cliche. It’s easy to say, you know, it, it was brought to fame by the Beatles, right, who are actually all divorced. I mean,
Dan: Right.
Monica Tanner: we may need to fact check that, but I think they all got divorced. So I mean, all you need is love. That’s like such a romantic, awesome thought.
But what is love anyways, like if I were to ask you, Dan, what do you think it means to just be in love?
Dan: Ooh. That’s hard for me to define because when I think of, all you need is love. It implies you don’t need [00:15:00] effort. You don’t need skills you don’t need. All you need is passion. And because it, it compensates for all your other shortcomings. But I. I don’t think that’s realistic. I think of love, like back to your question, there’s the feeling
Monica Tanner: Mm-hmm.
Dan: right?
All you need is that feeling, but the reality is, in a long-term relationship, it ebbs and flows. So the moment it starts to ebb, all of a sudden, do you think Uhoh we’re doomed? Or this relationship’s over like then you don’t. Put in the grit, right? The hard work to actually grow character. What marriage is supposed to transform you to be? What do you
Monica Tanner: is true. No, I think that’s absolutely true, and I think that they call marriage a people growing machine because it takes a whole lot more than love, right? I mean, you start, love is where it starts, and that’s. An awesome sentiment, but what happens after you find out your partner’s annoying habits and you’re [00:16:00] trying to pay the mortgage and raise some snotty kids and you know your partner’s putting in long hours at work and you’re not feeling like a whole lot of love for them, right?
Like, what’s gonna keep you together then
Dan: right, right. Good point. And there’s also that concept of there’s a soulmate out there, like the one and only that fits and it’s, it’s a very romantic sentiment. The problem is the moment things don’t go well, then you start questioning your
Monica Tanner: Exactly. Like maybe,
Dan: made
Monica Tanner: maybe I found the, yeah, maybe I was wrong about my soulmates.
Dan: Yeah. ’cause the fantasy is, if we’re so compatible, we won’t have conflict. But that’s not true. Even people who, you know, celebrities who say, I found my soulmate. Fast forward 10 years. If they don’t like really work through the difficulties, then they’re like, nevermind. They weren’t. They weren’t. That person wasn’t my soulmate.
This other person [00:17:00] is my
Monica Tanner: So this is a concept that’s really important and I think people miss this. This is getting into another one of the, the myths, but. I just don’t think that this can be overstated. So love or relationships are just a series of harmony, disharmony, and repair. Now, this has been like studied in research by tro, even with newborn babies in their moms.
He studied how they interact together and noticed these patterns of harmony, where they’re, they’re really connected, disharmony and repair. And so all relationships, whether we’re talking about mother, infant, whether we’re talking about romantic. They go through these cycles, and this is so important because it’s in that repair stage that you build trust, that you build resilience, that you learn about each other, that you bond and connect, right?
So if. Your [00:18:00] entire relationship is just a string of harmony. It’s going to be much weaker than a relationship who’s been through that cycle and really learned about each other and repair, and were skillful in that repair stage. Mm-hmm.
Dan: First is, I think about growing a muscle.
Monica Tanner: Yes.
Dan: Like
Monica Tanner: Right?
Dan: It’s the harmony. Things are
Monica Tanner: Yes. If you’re never pushing
Dan: this
Monica Tanner: anything right.
Dan: yes, Uhhuh, but it’s in the repair stage is actually when you build more
Monica Tanner: Yes.
Dan: The other thought I had is, um, this is just one possible interpretation of the whole Adam and even the Garden of
Monica Tanner: Mm-hmm. Exactly.
Dan: And then they eat the fruit that’s disharmony and there’s an angel there to guard the way, so they can’t come back to the garden of eating. There’s no way for them to like revert to things how they were. The only way was forward through, [00:19:00] you know, atonement that’s repair,
Monica Tanner: Yes.
Dan: Like there’s this pattern too.
Monica Tanner: That’s so beautiful and I haven’t thought about, I mean, I love the muscle analogy, but also if you think about the atonement in our relationship with even deity, right? It’s like, yes, it’s in that atonement process that we become more connected, that we get more strength. Right? That’s really cool to think about.
Dan: That is so good. Great. All right, so that’s definitely one of the myths. All you need is love. It’s not
Monica Tanner: Yeah.
Dan: I mean, it is a myth. It’s not really helpful. What’s another piece of unhelpful advice, like one that comes to mind is the Jerry McGuire famous quote. You complete
Monica Tanner: Yeah. You’ve got,
Dan: Wanna
Monica Tanner: yeah, you, you’re, you’re king in on the famous ones. Right? The ones that have been made famous by and romanticized like, right. We all swoon. When Tom Cruise says that to Renee Zel Ringer, I was like, you complete me. You’re like, oh yeah, I wanna find the one who completes me. But very [00:20:00] similar to the all you need is love, like.
You talk a lot about this. I know this is in your content, but this idea of differentiation, like
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Monica Tanner: are not too, and it does get confusing when you start and, and let we, we can work through this a little bit, like when you and the two shall become one, but that’s exactly it. The two shall become one in purpose, right?
The two should not become the same.
Dan: Yes.
Monica Tanner: two shall become one in purpose, which is really important in this concept of differentiation, where two individuals. Then like decide, choose to be together. So that differentiation encompasses like being able to stand independently in the face of an important other.
It means being able to withstand. In discomfort for growth. It’s a really important part of the healthy, thriving [00:21:00] relationship is standing independently, knowing what you want, being able to ask for what you want, standing up for your partner, standing up for your beliefs like this is what creates like a passionate, intimate, allowing your partner to see into you and how you are different from them.
That is. Like, so finding someone to complete, you shouldn’t even be a topic for discussion.
Dan: Is there a time in your own marriage where you’ve had to face that
Monica Tanner: Yeah, absolutely. I was just recently writing about this actually, and like I remember Christmas, so I was born and raised in a Jewish family, and so we didn’t do Christmas growing up. We had Hanukkah, Harry, which was kind of like Santa Claus, but not quite. And so I of course married into a. This really Christian family.
And so for a long time I just thought, we’ll just go with what my husband knows and wants to do about Christmas. ’cause Christmas was big in his family and so I thought we’ll [00:22:00] just do all of his traditions. But as time went on, I had really good ideas about. Christmas time, things that I wanted to try, but they weren’t necessarily in his traditions.
And so I would just kind of stuff that down. ’cause I was like, oh, well no, I mean, he’s the expert on Christmas and you know, I don’t know what I’m talking about. I have no experience in this realm. And, um, but. Really what happened was when I found my voice around that and I was like, Hey, I’d like to try this, or this tradition isn’t really working for our family, but you know, maybe we could try something like this.
That’s when the real magic started to happen, when not only I found a voice around it, but my kids started growing up and kind of, they had different preferences and contributed to the, so it’s not about completing like somebody, you know. Making up for the parts that you lack. It’s about strengthening where you do lack so that you have something to contribute.
Dan: [00:23:00] Gotcha. So it’s about stepping in fully to your, like taking your room.
Monica Tanner: yeah,
Dan: Right. But it’s also, it goes the other way, right? You don’t take more than your room. You don’t take more than your
Monica Tanner: Yeah.
Dan: and dominate the marriage. So it’s.
Monica Tanner: Yeah.
Dan: All but you want and all, nothing. No room for the other.
Monica Tanner: I, I feel like there can be no relationship without voice and no voice without relationship. So this is a, a concept by Carol Gilligan. There can be no relationship without voice and no voice without relationship. So it’s so important. If you’re gonna be in relationship with somebody, you have to be able to have something to add, right?
Dan: Right, right. Great. All right, A third myth, a third, bad marriage advice. How about, a good wife keeps her husband satisfied.
Monica Tanner: feel like this is what I came on this show to talk to you about. ’cause this is like, this is where we geek out, right?
Dan: Uh, yes,
Monica Tanner: I mean a
Dan: Let’s talk about the sexual
Monica Tanner: yes. Right. So a good wife keeps her [00:24:00] husband satisfied you like.
Dan: right?
Monica Tanner: Uh, maybe you have to be a woman to hear that and see that in our culture, but I will never forget I was.
With a friend and we were playing pool with her mom. And I remember her talking about she was divorced and she couldn’t figure out like what had gone wrong. ’cause she’s like, I always satisfied him. Like there was never a time when you asked for sex that I didn’t give it to him. And I remember thinking like, a, that was super, like a scary idea, but b like.
It’s not just about the sex. So like I grew up listening to Laura Schlesinger and her whole, like
Dan: Yes.
Monica Tanner: care and feeding of husbands. Right, right. Keep feed them and you give them sex and then they will, they don’t need anything else in life. Right. But it’s a such a huge responsibility on like to be responsible for like, I have to [00:25:00] provide for his needs, otherwise he’s gonna look elsewhere, or he might be unfaithful, or, you know, all of these things.
It’s just
Dan: And it’s
Monica Tanner: a recipe for disaster.
Dan: Right Uhhuh. Yeah. Yeah. So this duty sense isn’t kind of in our culture to, to a degree. I, I see it a lot in my coaching practice. Not, not every couple deals with that, but, men perpetuate it
Monica Tanner: Oh, for sure.
Dan: They, they think if you need to satisfy me, like, or they’ll, weaponize bible verses like one Corinthians seven often, like, no, you don’t deprive me.
And, and things like that. They’ll, they’ll say, and what happens when a marriage is set up to where sex is an obligation or a duty, if it’s faithfully fulfilled?
Monica Tanner: well, I mean, you, you never want there to be obligation like a marriage. A good marriage is based around choice, whether you’re talking about sexuality or you’re talking about emotionality, right? Like, you know, it’s the [00:26:00] same. Another one of the myths is that divorce is not an option. Like whenever you set up obligation around anything, you’re really going to struggle.
Because a good marriage is based on choice, and instead of the focus being on how do we extract what we need from each other, it’s more about how do we create a marriage that both of us want to be in and want to contribute to.
Dan: Yeah. Yeah, that’s really good. Great. Great.
So, Monica, what are some other, myths about sex that you see perpetuated that form? Bad marriage advice. Bad sex
Monica Tanner: Yeah, I, I think it’s really important for couples to examine their different ideas around sex, both before they’re married and initially as they’re getting married. Because,
you know, there’s, there’s certain topics like sex and money that are very deeply charged with kind of what we are fed growing up, [00:27:00] right?
So whether
Dan: right.
Monica Tanner: it’s overt or covert In our childhood, we see our parents and the people close to us, and the people that we look up to and respect, they kind of put on us their different ideas and beliefs around sex and money. And we take that in.
We’re very porous to it when we’re growing up.
Dan: yes, yes. Uhhuh. We absorb it
Monica Tanner: Yes, yes. We absorb it. Yeah. So Emily Naski talks about it like, a garden, right? So when we’re young, we have no control over what’s being planted in our gardens. That’s like our parents’ jobs, our leaders, our caregivers, those types of things.
And so, but then when we become adults, it, it’s our responsibility now to go through that garden and what is actually serving and nourishing our relationship. And what isn’t. And so I think it’s so important to recognize, you know, the ideas, different ideas about your body, right? Whether it’s, you know, how you [00:28:00] feel about your body, whether the, the body of the opposite sex is gross, whether, you know, different, certain sexual acts are good or bad, or you know, desire discrepancies.
Like all these different ideas that we absorb as children, we now have the. Responsibility as adults to comb through and go, is this nourishing? Is this feeding our relationship? Is this good for us as a couple and what we wanna create together? Or is this something that needs to be weeded out? Right? We need to pull out that noxious weed that even if there is some good.
Because of those beliefs, they can choke out the good. So a lot of times as adults and once we’re married, if we’re having those discussions all along with our partner and we’re really trying to understand where they’re coming from, what they’ve learned and observed, Then we can rot till that garden, pull out all the bad, and then plant it together with really [00:29:00] nourishing seeds.
But that takes work. It really does take work. You’ve gotta find somebody you know, or somebodies that are teaching. Content that is uplifting and nourishing and helpful to that relationship, and listen to those things together. Read those books together, listen to those podcasts together, go to those events together where you can be nourished as a couple and really find what works for you.
Dan: Yes. That’s great. Love it. That’s
Monica Tanner: definitely. I, I recommend Get Your Marriage On Any Event Put on by Get Your Marriage On is definitely one to go to.
Dan: Thanks. And also our apps have
Monica Tanner: Yes.
Dan: of material on healthy sexuality in the context of a long-term marriage and relationship. All right. This has been good. Any other bad marriage advice that people should watch out for as we conclude?
Monica Tanner: You know, not to open up like another can of worms, but I love talking about this idea of compromise [00:30:00] because
Dan: Okay, let’s
Monica Tanner: I think it’s so, it’s just. Like thrown out there. It’s probably the most common one that I hear, like just learn how to compromise. And what do you think of when you hear the word compromise, Dan?
Like what does,
Dan: I think of, I can’t decide what shoes to wear, so I have a blue shoe on my left foot and a black shoe or brown shoe, or a yellow shoe on my other foot. That’s compromise.
Monica Tanner: Yeah. It’s kind of like.
Dan: It’s worse.
Monica Tanner: Yeah. Well that’s true. It is worse. I feel like what happens when we compromise? So if you look up compromise in the dictionary, like compromise is like, bad, like eroded. Like not it. It’s been compromised.
Dan: the computer security was
Monica Tanner: Exactly.
Dan: Things
Monica Tanner: Eroded, right? So like when you think of compromise between two individuals, it’s like I give a little, you give a little, we meet in the middle, right?
And so you have my way of doing things and their way of doing things. And when you slide [00:31:00] it into the middle, you don’t really get the best of this idea or the best of this idea. And so I feel like. It’s ki it’s an outdated idea. I feel like
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Monica Tanner: used to be like a long time ago, we didn’t have that many options for things.
You kind of just had to compromise. But now there’s so many resources, whether you’re talking about how you wanna run your business or where you wanna live. Or how to educate your children or where to eat dinner. There are so many options and resources now that there’s really no reason to compromise. So you can look at having two different opinions about something.
You can look at it in one of two ways. One, you can say, this is so annoying. They don’t agree with me. We thinking about this totally differently. You know, now we have to compromise and figure out something. Right? That. That doesn’t quite work for either of us, but neither of us has given too much.
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Monica Tanner: Or you [00:32:00] can look at it like my spouse has one perspective and I have a different one.
And together, like we have two different really awesome, I. Perspectives, like we’re seeing more of the puzzle together. So now we can put together the most important parts of how they feel and the most important parts of how I feel. And we can come up with something better than either of us could have ever come up with on our own.
However, here’s the caveat. It takes some work and some effort.
Dan: it
Monica Tanner: Not, you’re not gonna accidentally collaborate on the best solution. What you’ve gotta do is put some work in, like, why do I feel strongly about my position? What’s important to me about my position? Why do they feel so strongly about their position?
Why is their position so important to them?
What are, what are my reservations about their position and what are their reservations about mine?
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Monica Tanner: now that all of that [00:33:00] information is out on the table, how can we take the very best and most important parts of your position in the very best and most important parts of your position and put them together to come up with something that works.
Awesome for everyone. And then here’s the thing to remember. I call this collaboration. You get really curious about you, you get really curious about them, and then you collaborate to come up with something awesome. And the thing to remember is that nothing is permanent. So you see how that works and if it doesn’t work the way you want it to, you go back to the drawing board.
Dan: Yeah. Yeah. This sounds great. In theory, have you ever done this in your own marriage? Can you tell
Monica Tanner: Yeah. I’ll give you a simple example. I tell this example in the book and it’s my favorite one, but it’s kind of like our blueprint for how we do collaboration in our family. So it was our seven year wedding anniversary and Ben planned this really cool trip for us to [00:34:00] San Francisco. And I grew up in a family that loves seafood and we appreciate like really good seafood.
And if we’re gonna go to San Francisco, I wanna eat at a really nice restaurant on the wharf. Overlooking the sunset on the water. Like all of the things, right? Nothing about that sounds good to my husband. He’s like,
Dan: Okay.
Monica Tanner: spend a lot of money, like, I don’t like seafood. Like what is this madness?
Right?
Dan: Uhhuh.
Monica Tanner: So here’s how we collaborated on this solution. It was an accident kind of,
Dan: Uhhuh. Uhhuh.
Monica Tanner: he was like, okay, you pick the place, you get to pick where you want to eat. So I picked a really nice restaurant right on the wharf. We, you know, I made sure that we had a table overlooking the water, and I got to order my crab legs drawn in butter.
Dan: Uhhuh,
Monica Tanner: husband walked across the street. So if you’ve been to San Francisco, you totally know the setup. Here. You’ve got like all the really nice restaurants on the water. You walk across the street. My husband ordered in and out like a [00:35:00] hamburger, french fries, and a shake. He brought this bag of In-N-Out into this really nice restaurant.
Well, of course the waitress stopped him and was like, sir, you can’t bring that in here. And he was like, it’s my wife and i’s anniversary. She wanted to eat here, but I don’t like seafood. And she’s like. I know just the thing. So she went and she grabbed a plate and she grabbed like a really nice cup from the bar and she plated his burger and put his milkshake in a glass and it looked like it came from the restaurant.
And we sat there together and he didn’t have to pay too much for his dinner. We enjoyed the sunset over the wharf and yelp me Crack some crab legs. He’s like, this is a lot of work. I don’t know why you do this. Right? And we laughed and we enjoyed a nice dinner together where I got all of the things that were important to me and he got all of the things that were important to him.
Dan: And kudos to that waitress that was astute enough to see how she could
Monica Tanner: Exactly. That was
Dan: that
Monica Tanner: awesome, but [00:36:00] she wasn’t gonna kick me out of the restaurant. Right. So like
Dan: right?
Monica Tanner: worked out and it was a good collaboration versus we could have been like, well I guess we could eat at Chili’s where you know, I could get some cheap seafood and he could grab a burger and we don’t get to watch the sunset, and it just wouldn’t have been the same.
Dan: Yeah.
Monica Tanner: that is, and I work with couples all the time. Like I work with couples who like, they can’t agree over how to educate their kids. Right? One of ’em wants to send their kids to, you know, an expensive private school and the other one wants to homeschool. We have so many options. Now, you don’t have to pick one or the other.
You, you can do a range. You can do, you know, a, a co-op, you can do a, you know, part private school, part public school. There’s so, so many options and. About everything. Like you know, you don’t have to have a practice that’s in person anymore. You can work over state lines, you can work over Zoom, you can try, you can do [00:37:00] world schooling.
You can take your kids anywhere in the country and educate them, right? Like there’s so many options. So you can take what’s most important, what one partner feels. Strongly about what the other partner feels strongly about and create a solution. And then remember that it’s not permanent. This, this solution might work awesome for this kid and you’ve gotta come up with something different for this kid.
But you’re always talking, you’re always communicating, you’re always sharing your ideas, and you learn how to stand up to each other with loving power so that these conversations, so this information can be out on the table and these conversations can be had.
Dan: That’s so good. It kind of full circle back to that harmony, disharmony repair, and it’s being willing to, you know, let’s step into this and do the repair work. It’s growth, right? It’s effort, but oh, that’s the best purest marriage advice you can give someone is stick with
Monica Tanner: Yeah, and it’s, it also goes [00:38:00] back to the, to the, you complete me. ’cause it’s not, you complete me. It’s you make me better. You show me things that I don’t think about on my own. Like when we incorporate both of our ideas and opinions, we have so much more to draw from.
Dan: Right? Yeah, definitely. And you both benefit your children. Get the better of the both of you and everyone wins in the end. Monica, this is so good. Where can people go to learn more about your book and you and your coaching and everything you
Monica Tanner: Thank you so much, so you can find out how to work with me, all my free resources, like my podcast at my website, which is my name, monica tanner.com. And then you can get on the wait list for my book and get lots of freebies and fun things there@badmarriageadvice.com.
Dan: Very good. Thank you.
Monica Tanner: Yeah. Thank you Dan.
Dan – May 2025: Thank you for listening to this episode. Now, if bad marriage advice or bad sex advice you think has really affected the quality of your [00:39:00] intimate relationship in your own marriage, or if you’re in a marriage where you feel like, uh, you just aren’t on the same page sexually, whether it’s frequency you like, you want it more, but your spouse wants it less.
Or like variety, novelty. You want more exciting things. Your spouse wants more of the same. I’m just saying these are common and very normal things that most married couples experience, uh, especially years into the long-term relationship. Well, please, I wanna invite you to work with me and my team. We have a very special program just for you.
It’s called the Get Your Marriage on Program. And I want you to go to our website, get your marriage on.com, click on free training, and you’re gonna see an in-depth presentation all about why this happens in marriages and what most couples try to do to fix it that doesn’t work. And the one thing that absolutely does work to help you overcome sexual challenges in your marriage.
And they’re really about intimacy. And I, I love. Marriage is getting more intimate, closer, [00:40:00] more real, and that’s exactly what we cover in our program. So I invite you to check it out. Thanks. Okay.
