In this episode, I’m getting specific with actionable tactics while answering questions about the following:
- how to grow closer together emotionally
- overcoming body image concerns as it relates to sex.
- why women fake orgasms
- enhancing sexual intimacy with sex toys
- what the research says about pornography use and its impact on couples
- exploring role play in relationships,
- and most importantly, keeping the erotic energy alive and long-term marriage relationships.
I was a guest on a podcast titled from Mrs to Miss with Andrea. This was a fun, unscripted conversation and with her permission, I’m sharing a portion of that conversation with you today.
Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.
Transcript
This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors or inaccuracies. For the most accurate and complete experience, we recommend listening to the full podcast episode.
Episode 240
Dan: Hello, my friends. In this episode, I’m getting specific with actionable tactics while answering questions about how to grow closer together emotionally overcoming body image concerns as it relates to sex.
Why women fake orgasms, enhancing sexual intimacy with sex [00:01:00] toys. What the research says about pornography use and its impact on couples exploring role play in relationships, and most importantly, keeping their erotic energy alive and long-term marriage relationships. I was a guest on a podcast titled from Mrs to Miss with Andrea.
This was a fun, unscripted conversation and I thought there were elements here that would be useful for you to hear. So with her permission, I’m sharing a portion of that conversation with you today.
In a few weeks, I’ll be doing another question and answer episode specifically on the topic of sexual fantasies as it relates to Christian couples and long-term marriages. And if you have a question you’d like me to prepare for that episode, please reach out to me on Instagram via direct message or send me an email.
I’d love to answer it on an upcoming episode.
As always, if you and your spouse are looking to take intimacy in your marriage to the next level, check out my Get Your Marriage on Program, or contact me or my team about private coaching opportunities. I’m here [00:02:00] for you to help you and your marriage grow stronger and closer and have a lot more fun together intimately.
Lastly on, June 9th on the calendar, that’s six nine. That’s a special day. It’s the birthday of the Intimately US app. It also because of the, you know, it’s six nine on the calendar. It’s International Love Making Day, and it’s a holiday for us. And we wanna share that with you and celebrate with you.
And I invite you to download the Intimately US app. We’re gonna have a challenge starting on June 1st, leading up to the ninth. And we have a lot of special prizes, uh, and all lots of fun stuff there to join in the festivities with us. So download the Intimately US app, invite your spouse to download it, sync together, and let’s have some fun.
Andrea: Hello. Hello, I am your host Andrea with from Mrs to Ms. Welcome in. I am being joined today by a very special man, Dan Purcell. Welcome to the show today. Hey,
Dan: happy to be here. Thank you. I
Andrea: So when you’re doing your [00:03:00] marital coaching and the intimate intimacy coaching, are there specific communication techniques that can help couples express their needs and wants without feeling fear or judgment?
And so what kind of techniques would you use? Just give us like an example. One or two. Very
Dan: good. Yeah. So the biggest part when I, I have a specialty in my sex coaching and it is desired discrepancy. This is where couples, where one person wants sex more than the other, which is more common than you think.
Yeah. It’s pretty common. Yeah. And so if this is you listening and you have a greater, higher desire than your spouse, or you know, less desire than your spouse, congratulations. You’re perfectly normal.
Andrea: And do you, is it usually men? I would assume men were the higher than women. Is that the way that goes?
Dan: I’d say if you take a large, , sampling of our population than generally men do, and it’s because of testosterone, men generate more testosterone, which increases more sexual interest. [00:04:00] However, about 20 to 30% of the couples I work with, the woman has higher sexual desire. Okay. And it’s not necessarily because of testosterone per se, it’s other factors just in the relationship dynamics, upbringing, worldviews, comfort with their own bodies?
I mean,
yeah,
Dan: there’s, there’s so much variation out there. Interesting that a lot of the higher desire wives kind of feel excluded and they feel like there might be a freak or something’s wrong with them. And I, if that’s you. You’re also perfectly normal. You’re not a freak, it’s just they say men have higher desire than women.
’cause they’re taking the whole population into account when they say that. Okay. Exactly. But there’s gonna be a lot of variation in all that. And then so,
okay, so like you’re a technique you would do.
Dan: Yes. So I work with that and some, the, one of the things that I’ve learned through my experience in my study and my training is often the focus goes on the lower desire spouse.
Like, hey, if this person’s up here at this higher level and this other person has lower desire, [00:05:00] let’s focus all of our attention on the lower desire person to bring his or her desire up closer to the hired ZR person. Okay. And those kinds of approaches might work in some cases, but what we often forget is marriages are a system.
They’re relationships, it’s a systems approach, meaning what happens to one person affects the other person. Yeah. There is a kind like a Ferris wheel. I think about it like. When one person moves, the whole system moves together. Yeah.
Yeah. And
Dan: so you have to treat the whole system. And oftentimes what I’ve found in my experience is the person is low desire for a very good valid reason.
Meaning it’s actually good judgment that she is lower desire in this relationship because of the things the higher desire is doing. And they’ve co-constructed a marriage where she would be low desire, and he would be high desire. Okay. Okay. Often fueled by anxiety. For example, he’s anxious that he’s not gonna get enough sex.
So he keeps [00:06:00] pursuing, pursuing, am I gonna get it? Is not this tonight. And she’s in reaction to that same anxiety in the system. So she’s going to, the anxiety pushes down her desire, so she desires it less and less, or finds excuses not to or whatever. And this is all going on just over years. The patterns are so like.
Natural that it’s like swimming in water, like a, as a fish, you don’t even see it. It is, yeah. So my job as a coach is to really help them like see really clearly and accurately the process and the systems that are going on in their marriage that they’ve become blind to or invisible to.
Andrea: Interesting. So it’s not so much about a technique Yeah.
Because they’re nagging at you. Right? Yeah. That’s how I, I would think of it like, yeah, yeah. You get it, you’ll get it. And it’s more somebody nags the more you wanna go the other way. Right? Absolutely. Yeah.
Dan: Partially. ’cause as humans, we hate being controlled. If you know someone’s trying to control you, manipulate you, you wanna do the exact opposite what they’re doing.
And that’s a very [00:07:00] normal reaction. We hate being controlled. Right. And so when I’m a, when you’re the higher desired spouse and you want more sex out of your spouse mm-hmm. You tend to start doing controlling things to hopefully get it right. Yeah. And it There’s overt ways of doing it, and there’s covert or like aggressive and passive ways of doing it.
Like I work with a lot of really quote unquote nice guides where they do very passive things. Like they’ll unload the dishwasher, help kids with homework, put them to bed, draw the bath for her. But beneath all of those things, there’s this underlying unspoken message that as I do these things, it’ll put you in the mood so you’ll have sex with me.
So even though those are kind things on the outside Yeah, the message that’s actually going on is, this is a manipulation to get me in bed with you. Mm-hmm. So, and then he’s like, well, the marriage books say I need to help with the chores and I need help, and none of these things work. Well, it’s not working because it’s the energy behind why you’re doing it matters so, so much in a marriage relationship, and we [00:08:00] forget that we think it’s all things we do or say, but it’s more, it’s far more than.
It’s about who you are in it.
Andrea: Yeah. That’s very interesting you said that. I can, I can relate to that in my past with partners when they come and say, how about, I’d love to give you a massage tonight and that, you know, and you’re always falling for it. And then after a while I’m like, okay, I know what this means.
They start out very briefly with the massage and then the hands start going and next thing you know, you’re having sex. And I think it’s a lot of, like what you said, it’s that manipulation of doing things in hopes that that’s how it’s gonna end, right?
Dan: Yes. Uhhuh. Yeah. And then you get attuned to it as you know, in your situation.
You can smell it a mile away, you know it’s coming.
Yeah.
Dan: And that’s the thing about human brains is we can map what’s going on in someone else’s mind more clearly than we can map what’s going on in our own mind. That’s just the way our brains are. And it’s a survival technique, right? If you’re gonna survive, you want to know what’s going on and around you.
So your, our [00:09:00] brains are highly tuned to what other people think about us. That’s why we’re so susceptible, vulnerable to like, you know, those negative comments on Instagram or what other people think about us. Our brains are just highly tuned to like, what do others think about? We’re constantly scanning the environment for that.
Yeah. Well that’s also in a marriage. Why is my spouse doing this? Why is my spouse being nice to me, for example? Mm-hmm. Like, or what, what’s going on here? And then that all feeds into this system that your marriage operates in. So I, I help couples really dissect their systems and understand it’s not words you say.
It’s not like leaving the chocolate on the pillow or filling the bathtub for them. That’s not what it is. It’s the energy behind why it’s done. You have to really check yourself on all that. Is it ’cause I want sex out of you or is it ’cause I wanna invest in you ’cause I care about you. There’s a big difference.
Yeah.
Andrea: Yeah, absolutely. So how do couples, how can they balance like the demands of everyday life? I mean, everybody’s busy, especially in this day and age, right? So much [00:10:00] work, parenting. And so how can they kind of keep that intimacy going in their lives when they are so busy? Is it about slotting out little times?
Dan: Yeah. What do you think about that? I think let’s just get really practical. I have six kids. We have a very busy house. Yeah.
Andrea: I’m asking the right person.
Dan: Yep. Yeah, exactly. So let’s, let’s be real and just be realistic with your spouse. Like there are times you just can’t get everything you want done.
Done.
Yes. And you have
Dan: to choose what are you gonna pick. Yeah. So that’s just reality. Yeah. We have choices to make. And some choices are, the thing about sex in a marriage is it’s easy to put on the back burner. Yeah. Because it’s a little thing. Little things are easy to always put off.
Like urgent things always get our attention. Urgent front center, high priority things, but it’s the less urgent. Yeah. Important things that often get backburnered. So it’s a couple [00:11:00] that can really decide together. No, even though this isn’t urgent that we have sex, like doesn’t feel so pressing or urgent right now, we’re gonna prioritize this ’cause we know it’s important and the kind of sex we’re gonna have is gonna be very nourishing.
It’s gonna be replenishing. We’re gonna feel better off afterwards. Mm-hmm. So I might lose an hour of sleep doing it, but I get so much more out of it than the hour of sleep I would’ve gotten. Like if you’re having that kind of sex, then it’s easier to prioritize. Right.
Yeah.
Dan: Contrast that with we’re doing it outta duty or obligation so you know, he’s not grumpy or whatever.
Mm-hmm. Then you’re not gonna feel better off afterwards. For engaging. So while you’re having sex matters, but just being practical and then making a priority. If you study the lives of those with magnificent sex lives, they put a lot of effort into their sexual relationship. it’s a priority.
good sex squanderers time. Yeah. That’s just the way it is. You can’t be efficient with sex and expect it [00:12:00] to be great. So
Andrea: yeah,
Dan: you gotta like block out chunks of time and just gotta make it worth it.
Andrea: Yeah, and I think a lot of it too is finding that balance of, I’m assuming quite often people are very different in when they want to have it or when it’s comfortable for them.
I’m a night person, you know, my partner might be a morning person, you know, so that can make it a little bit tricky. So I guess it’s also finding that balance there as well.
Yeah. So what do you think about vulnerability and how that plays in restoring emotional and physical intimacy? I’m assuming a huge part of, of intimacy is vulnerability.
Dan: Yeah. If you look at the word intimacy, one way to look at is it’s into me. See, you’re looking into me. I’m letting you get a peek into, the private part of my heart, like the inner side. And it cuts both ways. It’s a willingness to look into the other person. It’s, I want to be known and I want to know.
It’s that level. And so when [00:13:00] we talk about vulnerability as in like Brene Brown vulnerability, it’s about opening up our heart to really let another person in and also being willing to invest and to know another person. And that, that takes a lot of courage. It’s not for the faint of heart.
Yeah.
Dan: There’s a practice I give a lot of my couples that I call the daily check-in. Okay. And most couples, they’ll check in, how was your day?
Well, you know, I did this at this time. I did this at that time. Then I had this earned to run and. This happened and I couldn’t do that. So it’s more like a recounting of your day, which there’s nothing wrong with that, but if you can speak, have you seen the movie Inside Out With What Goes On in Joy’s head?
Yes. This is a Pixar movie. Yes. Yes, yes. Think of the main characters of anger, fear, sadness, right? Yeah. Disgust, joy, right? Yeah. Instead, as you relate to your spouse like that as a guide, instead talk about, here’s a time today I felt fear. Here’s a time today I felt anger. Here’s a time today I felt discussed.
Here’s a time today I [00:14:00] felt joy, and so on and so on. It allows you to learn how to speak more emotionally instead of just recounting facts. And for most women, generally speaking, this is intuitive to them. So a lot of men, this is not intuitive to them learning how to speak emotionally. Yeah. But it’s a great skill for all people to learn because emotions are what connect us to each other.
So if you wanna be really deeply connected with someone. Tell them about your day from an emotional standpoint, even if it involves something that is potentially a little risky, like, I felt anger today because of something you did, right. That could be a little difficult to say, but you’re, what you’re doing is you’re exposing, you’re pulling back the curtain and letting them peek into what my experience was like today.
Yeah. And then you offer them the exact same courtesy. This is how people can practice vulnerability and build a stronger emotional connection. So my wife and I make it a habit of every night we go to bed, we call it a, our [00:15:00] check-in. It takes five minutes-ish per person. Some days longer. We talk on a, at a emotional level about what’s going on inside of us.
Andrea: Okay. I like that. So then beyond emotional intimacy and vulnerability, where do we go from there? What about, you know, how do couples overcome feelings of insecurity? I mean, the, the vulnerability of just, like taking your clothes off. Yes. You know, I got some body image issues, you know, how does that affect your physical connection?
Dan: Sure. It’s very common to have body image issues. , Most people have body image issues. We look in the mirror and gravity has its effect on us. You can’t argue with that, right? We age things happen.
but we forget that really good sex is far more about what our bodies do. You make love with your heart, not just your body.
That’s great.
Dan: Great Love making involves so much more than what your body looks like or what it can do functionally, because there are people with [00:16:00] disabilities who have great sex lives.
Part of their body may not function well. For example, they might be paralyzed or be on oxygen ’cause they can’t breathe. Well, I don’t know yet. They’ve learned how to have a great intimate sexual relationship. And it may not look like orgasms, like Yeah, fireworks. Like according to other people’s standards.
Yeah. But as far as depth of connection and depth of fulfillment mm-hmm. It’s off the charts because they know how to be real with their spouse. In fact, for some people they say it’s not until you’ve been together 20, 30, 40 years until when sex takes on a whole nother level of dimension because you can’t rely on your body all the time anymore.
Yeah. To, that’s produce things and it requires more self for it to be great. So it’s calling for more of heart in the love making, and that’s when things start to really turn and become really magnificent. So if you’ve put that kind of [00:17:00] in the backdrop, that might help. Another thing that can do with just body image issues is, and this is for some women who choose to do this.
And it’s gotta be a hundred percent your choice. You don’t do it ’cause your husband asks you to do it. You do it ’cause you want to. It’s to go get a bedor photo shoot.
Oh yeah, I’ve done that. That’s
Dan: fun. Have you done that? Great. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah. And
Dan: yeah, there’s some, I dunno if you’ve ever shared your experience with that, but there’s, for most women I talk to, there’s something special and empowering when they see their own photographs afterwards.
Like, holy cow, I’m hot. I look that good. And a lot husbands are like, I’ve been telling you all along, come on. Like they can tell her she’s blue in the face, how good she looking, she is. I don’t care about Yeah, if you’ve gained an extra 10 pounds or whatever, right. That’s like, you are gorgeous. And then she gets the photo shoot back and she’s like, he’s right.
I’m pretty good looking. So that that can also help with body image issues. The part of it is learning how to love yourself. A lot of times we’re so critical. Um, [00:18:00] like we say things about ourselves to ourselves that we’d never say to a, to a friend or even a worst enemy. For that matter, we would never say to someone in their face like, you’re ugly ourselves.
Yes. Yet we say it to ourselves all the time. So learning how to have more self-compassion, like don’t speak to yourself. Treat yourself as your own best friend. Like I would never say something to myself and treat myself in a way that I wouldn’t treat a best friend. So
yeah. As you
Dan: learn how to practice that more and you learn how to like love yourself a little bit better.
Mm-hmm. Be kind to yourself, you’ll naturally feel more confident in the bedroom because, you know, it’s like it’s not about me. It’s not about, yeah. This, you’re not focused on the negative. This is about love.
Andrea: I love that. And yeah, I actually, I did the boudoir photo shoot and it kind of had that same feeling, you know, because you’re so much harder on yourself.
Like you said, you see yourself differently than your partner spouse. I see you. And I remember doing it, I talked about this in one [00:19:00] of my earlier episodes. I was like, oh my God, I can’t believe I did it. And then the pictures came in and I was like, well, hot, damn, look at my ass.
Dan: Exactly right. Yeah,
Andrea: because you’re like, I never saw me like that, or never, you know, thought about that.
And if it’s for nobody else other than you, even if you never show anybody else, it’s so, it’s such a, a cool feeling to see yourself in that light and be like, I look good. And it does change the way you think about yourself. So that’s like a great suggestion.
Andrea: so talking about, you mentioned the Big O, what do you think people are most fearful about with orgasms? Why are they so afraid to just let themselves go? Tend to, and I’ve done it many, many times, fake it ahead of time before we even get to that point.
Why do you think, what is the big fear of actually having an orgasm or being that vulnerable
Dan: in that situation? Yeah. Well, whew. All right. There’s a lot here. Many women fake [00:20:00] orgasms, partially because they want their man to feel good about themselves.
Yeah.
Dan: And I’m speaking as a man. There’s nothing that like fills my ego more than like thinking I gave my wife an orgasm.
No, it’s satisfied. Yeah, right. Exactly. It is so good. But I also gotta tell you, as a man, one of my biggest fears in sex is that my wife isn’t into it. This is going on in the back of every man’s mind. Like, is she into it? Is she into me? Is she enjoying this? Because men don’t wanna be seen as a predator.
They don’t wanna be seen as a taker in sex. Yeah. So their biggest fear in sex, this is where men hide, is they don’t wanna be seen as that predator. So if, if she’s into it, then he can relax a little bit and enjoy it. Mm-hmm.
A lot of porn is around women who are very into it. They’re never say no. They say yes, yes, yes. They never have a [00:21:00] headache. Right. Right. It’s, it’s a complete fantasy and it’s not real life. But that’s the idea. That’s why it’s, it’s so fake, is because that’s not reality. So let’s say it’s a new couple new sexual relationship and he is, he is.
He may not show it ’cause he’s really good at masking it, but there is this underlying fear of she gonna be into it. Mm-hmm. So she can pick up on that. You remember how he said, we can map other people’s brains better than our own. Yeah. Right? Yeah. So to put his fears at ease, an easy way to do is fake an orgasm.
Yeah.
Dan: Yeah. And that, oh, it’s like, good now he can relax a little bit. Right. But the problem is how, like I coach a couple where they’ve been married for years. Mm-hmm. And he found out that she’s never actually had an orgasm all the times. They thought they had an orgasm. She’s just been faking it all along.
And how devastating he feels devastated. He feels right. So. Part of it is, I think if you [00:22:00] want a really good relationship with a pr with a partner, you need to learn how to be honest. And, honesty isn’t for the faint of heart either.
Yeah.
Dan: So going on faking is kind of setting up a deception. ’cause you’re, you care more about managing another person’s feelings than being really vulnerable and honest yourself.
Mm-hmm. So that’s, that’s one aspect that we need to look into. Like, I think the more mature you become, the less willing you’re gonna be to fake an orgasm because you know that if you really wanna mature relationship with this person, it’s gotta be based on something a little more real, something a little more honest and, and not just based on propping up each other’s egos and feelings to make them feel good
Andrea: regarding that couple you mentioned, how, where do you even, what do you suggest they do?
Dan: I’ve coached many women on how to have an orgasm. And there’s the pathway’s, different women to women, but the general principles are the same. And it’s about, from a physiological [00:23:00] standpoint, we all have an arousal threshold and a orgasm threshold.
Think about it on a graph.
Yeah. And
Dan: as arousal builds the builds, you’ll hit a arousal threshold. At this point, the touch starts to feel good. Your body starts to respond. You lubricate, your genitals are engorged with blood. Things start to feel a little better and you start getting more in the mood, like desire starts showing up.
Okay. I want a little more of that. Yeah. Gimme a little more. The more to the left. Yeah, right there. Stop, stop. Steer right there. What are you doing? Slowing down. Seven. All right. You get to 7, 7, 7, yo seven. Seven. That’s the orgasm threshold, right? Oh, that we’re
not, that’s the next
Dan: line, right? Exactly. That’s the next thing to cross the
best
Dan: next
clip.
So
Dan: yeah, I love that clip. It’s hilarious. So part of it is learning on your own body what feels pleasurable and what feels good. Mm-hmm. And so for some women, they’ve never really taken the time to really explore their own body and understand their own body and [00:24:00] how it functions well enough contrasting it to men.
Their study is done on the orgasm gap where they say, in a heterosexual relationship, generally speaking, men have an orgasm. 95% of the time, maybe 99% of the time they have sexual inter intercourse. Right. It’s very, very high compared to 60% of women, which, this is all self-reported statistics. So there’s not like they had like measurements attached to people or cameras and bedrooms.
Thank goodness there’s this. So it’s. You know, there’s gonna be a lot of variation, all that. But still, if we take those off of face value, there’s a 35 to 40% gap. That’s a huge gap between the two genders. And we want, we want it to be at parity one-to-one. We want lots of orgasms. In fact, women are capable of having multiple orgasms more easily than men are capable of having.
So one thing we thing
Andrea: we got, and the one thing we got,
Dan: we got a lot more than that for another, just looking at anatomy differences at the glands of the clitoris, that’s the tip of the clitoris that’s visible from [00:25:00] the, from the labia. That part has 8,000 or more nerve endings as far as concentration of pleasure, capacity.
Wow. And you contrast that with the hoog for the male, it’s the tip of his penis has 4,000. So half the sensation capacity. So women are capable of far more sensitivity and far more pleasure in the sexual stimulation than men are.
Interesting
Dan: biologically, women take more time to get aroused.
Mm-hmm.
Dan: And I think this is for a few good reasons. I have my theories on it. One is, for example, for men like this is Masters and Johnson, in the sixties and seventies, they studied human sexuality. They’re one of the pioneers in the human sexuality science.
Okay.
Dan: And they’d, they’d bring people into their lab and then have them masturbate and then like hook them up to sensors and just study how the body responds in sex in general start to finish for men, [00:26:00] six minutes from start to orgasm.
For women it was like 25 minutes plus or minus. Huge difference. Yeah, huge difference. So when you engage sexually and you’re done after 10 minutes, like just looking at those numbers, she’s still 15 minutes away from reaching her peak arousal. So, of course you’re gonna have an orgasm gap. So one of the things couples need to understand going into sex is you’re gonna have to spend a lot more time than you think you usually do to really help her build her arousal.
Now, of the two genders, generally speaking, men are bigger than women. Mm-hmm. A woman are more vulnerable to sexual disease, like sexually transmitted infections, like 40% more likely to contract them compared to men just ’cause of anatomy.
Okay.
Dan: Also, six minute involvement for a man can turn into nine months of pregnancy for her, and in 18 years of child brewing, right?
So can you see of the two genders, [00:27:00] who has more at stake when they have sex? It’s the woman, right? She’s way more vulnerable in the sexual situation. So I think Mother Nature has gifted woman with a slower arousal time so that she can map. Is this a person? That will stick around after we’re done. Yeah. Is this a person that will help rear the children?
Is this a person I can really trust into my body?
Right. ‘
Dan: cause, ’cause unless a woman has really decided that she’s safe with this person, her body will not respond in a sexually pleasurable way. So there’s gotta be a huge amount of trust built in to the relationship to that point. And so as couples really focus on slowing things down, helping build arousal, but also outside of the bedroom too, just in everyday moment to moment living, demonstrate integrity, demonstrate honesty, demonstrate trustworthiness.
Then in that vulnerable [00:28:00] sexual situation, this is good judgment for her to let this man into her body, into her soul, into her mind, right? This is a good judgment that I can partner with this person because. Then you can have orgasms and have lots of orgasms and it’s all for goodness. Yeah, and I think, I think we forget about that ’cause we’re so focused on what’s the technique?
Is it clockwise to the right or was it clockwise to the left? Like that’s not the point as so much as who are you and who are you going to be in this to create an optimal sexual experience.
Andrea: Yeah. Wow. I love so much of what you said there and it, and I hope people resonate that with that and think about that because.
Do you know, we fake the orgasms. All we’re doing really is setting up everybody up for failure. I mean, because we’re now letting Dan think that he has satisfied us. And so now, every time going forward, I’m sure they’re like, you know, I know exactly what to do. So now [00:29:00] we’re just hurting ourselves because we’re not really getting what we need in the relationship and they’re the only one that are happy.
Right. And then you put yourself in this spot where now it’s an uncomfortable situation conversation to have. Just like you said with your couple, how devastating for a man to now to find out after all of these years of thinking, he satisfied you, to now find out that it hasn’t, that has gotta be more traumatizing than in the first place.
Just saying, Hey, that’s not working for me. I need you to go a little bit more in this direction, or I need you to a little bit more of that. Right, right. It’s gonna be huge. So how, how do, uh, this is my favorite topic, sex, toys and vibrators. How do they,
and I know we have so much to discuss on this, um, so how do sex toys and vibrators enhance intimacy in marriage and are there ways that it could potentially harm? And then I have follow up questions, but I wanna hear about that first.
Dan: All right, sounds good. [00:30:00] So first of all, if your belief is that sex toys are kind of bad or mm-hmm.
Unsavory.
Mm-hmm. Then.
Dan: All of my talk about what I’m about to say probably isn’t gonna help you. So
you gotta check in
Dan: with your beliefs. But if you’re kind of like neutral or, or ambivalent, I don’t know, I haven’t made up my mind or I like, I kind of like the idea of it, then what I would say could be very helpful for you.
Yeah. Yeah. If you’re curious. Sure.
Dan: And the reason why is ’cause our beliefs have so much of an influence over our, uh, sexual attitudes and our performance, so, and our experience in sex. So it’s really important that you understand and check in with your own personal values first.
Mm-hmm.
Dan: Mm-hmm. Where I live, it’s a big booming town.
Lots of house construction, road construction. Everything’s on under construction it feels like. So I drive by homes that are under construction. They’re getting framed and construction like, you know, the, the carpenter’s there. He is building a house. He’s framing the house. He has a nail gun that’s hooked up to an [00:31:00] air compressor.
Bam, bam, bam, bam. He can hit. You know, six nails in it really fast. Right. And then there’s the saw, right? He’s got the power saw hooked up so he can cut the wood. Just, just the right dimensions. This is how you build homes. Now he could be out there with a hammer and a nail. Mm-hmm. Or with a manual saw, you know, back and forth like, oh, with his hand, like getting really sore after making one cut.
And he is got 30 more cuts to go. Right. Like you can build a house that way too, if you want, but we use power tools because they help us get to our goals faster, more efficiently, and sometimes higher quality. Right. You get a higher quality build because you have tools to help you get there. Yeah. I’ve used sex toys in the exact same light potentially because there’s something about our bodies and certain types of touch in certain parts of ways resonate really well.
For example, the woman’s clitoris responds very well to certain types of vibration. It’s the way it gets stimulated. [00:32:00] Just kind of like, I dunno, like a deep rub on your shoulder feels so much better than a light tickle, right? Yeah. A tickle there doesn’t do anything but a deep rub Does certain parts of a body respond to certain types of touch differently is, is my point.
And the clitoris responds to vibration. So a lot of sex toys that focus on clitoral stimulation, women tend to respond very well to that ’cause the body is highly tuned to receive that kind of touch that’s very difficult to replicate by hand or with another human. So yeah, it’s a fantastic tool to help aid in pleasure.
Andrea: Interesting. And I think a lot of people, like you said, are, are fearful of it. Their beliefs of it is, I’m maybe some, to some extent, like, Ooh, I’m, I’m cheating on my spouse by using certain products or toys, you know, and I can’t agree with you more. Like you said, it’s a, it’s a different feeling. I always try to say that it’s different, it’s a different experience.
I very much enjoy it more [00:33:00] than the actual act of the intercourse, but it’s only because it is a different feeling and like you said, you can get to it that much quicker and back on with my day.
So what would you say are like the issues or the problems that come along with it now? I’ve heard over sti, if you can be desensitized because you’re using these products so much, can it cause issues within your relationship in that way?
Do you think that
Dan: Yeah, I’ll, I’ve got two or three thoughts on this. First is I look at it like money. Someone already asked me, Dan, is money good or bad? I would answer it. It depends on how you spend it, right? Yeah,
that’s right. Right.
Dan: Money could be used in bad evil ways and can also be used in good, productive, constructive ways.
I think a sex toy is neutral and then it just all depends on why you’re using it. Can you use it to cheat on your spouse? Absolutely. Sure. Can you use it to build a deeper connection with your partner? Absolutely, [00:34:00] yes. It just depends on how you’re gonna use it. Kinda like money. It’s neutral. Yeah. Now about the desensitization thing, I think that’s a myth in that, um, well, just because I walk all day on my feet, it doesn’t mean I lose sensation on my feet.
Right? Right. My body doesn’t lose because I use my eyes all day long. It doesn’t mean I go blind towards the end of the day. Like it doesn’t make sense. Our sense, our senses are senses. Now, there is a thing about maybe if I go to a rock concert that’s really, really loud. Yes. And when it’s over and I’m walking out, my ears feel kind of muffled still, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Our
Dan: bodies do that just kind of self-protect, like it’s there to protect from harm from overstimulation. So it starts to numb things out temporarily. But if I was in a loud environment for a long period of time, it could cause deafness, it could cause damage, right?
Yes. So what that you’re using,
Dan: well, just don’t use toys that if you feel yourself starting to get [00:35:00] overstimulated and numb, remember that’s, that’s like walking outta the rock concert.
That’s your body’s way of sa trying to protect itself from overstimulation. Okay? So continued use, like it’s gonna start to hurt, so just stop using it then. But I think the bigger fear is dependence on it. If I start using a sex toy, that means I have to use a sex toy in order to reach orgasm. Wow. And to me, I think it’s, it’s not quite black and white in that way.
Our brains are very plastic. We have neuropathways that are formed by repeated action. Learning a language. For example, I’m learning Spanish. I need to practice speaking Spanish more and more often. Then that part of my brain starts to habitualize the Spanish more. I can speak Spanish a little bit better the more I practice it.
Right? Yes. What fires together wires together, as they say in your brain.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So
Dan: learning how to orgasm is no different. There’s a certain method that you’ve probably learned how to orgasm, [00:36:00] and you practice it over and over, it becomes easier and easier for you. A vibrator is a way using an vibrator to reach orgasm.
It becomes a easier, easier way. Now, if you wanna learn how to orgasm, I dunno, from oral stimulation, which is a very mm-hmm. Different type of stimulation than maybe a vibrator. Well, that’s okay too. You just gotta remember that you gotta build those new neuropathways. It doesn’t take away from what you have learned.
It’s just, yeah, it’s all adaptive. We gotta, it’s just learning. It’s just brain learning.
Andrea: Right. Interesting. Often too, you know, people need to realize there’s so many toys out there that can be used as a couple and you can engage in these activities right. Together. Mm-hmm. I mean, I think it’s very intimate and very pleasing to have your partner engagement with you while you’re using your choice.
You know, explain what you like them to do while you’re doing that. And that can make for a wonderful time together too. [00:37:00] Right. They don’t think absolute be doing it by themselves. Yeah. Yeah. They can do that all this time. So what about porn? How does porn, that’s my follow up question. What role does porn play in relationships?
Do you think it can strengthen or does it kind of hinder a relationship?
Dan: Well, I’ll tell you what the science says and then I’ll follow up with my personal opinion. Okay. Because this has been a topic that sex scientists have studied for quite like sexologists have studied quite extensively. Okay. Does porn and harm or benefit?
Yes.
Dan: And there’s some controversy that, oh, all these studies are, you know, paid for by the porn industry, whatever. And yeah. They’re not, they’re not paid for.
Yeah. You’re not paid if you’ve ever worked for not That’s right. A PhD candidate.
Dan: Like, no, they’re not getting funded. This isn’t how above board research goes.
Right.
Okay.
Dan: So they bring couples into the lab and which is like, you know, the office at the university usually recruiting fellow university students mm-hmm. Because they’re willing [00:38:00] test subjects and they have them fill out a questionnaire and then, and they have a control group. And then a test group.
Yeah. And in the test group, they’re gonna have willing participants, they know what they’re getting into. Say, we’re gonna have you watch a series of pornographic videos over some time, and after a few weeks, we want you to come back in and then we’re going to take another assessment. And so they measure like the quality of the relationship across a few scores.
Like, how happy are you in the relationship? How satisfied are you? You know, those kinds of measures, how well do you communicate? And then they measure, okay, the control group versus the test group. And the test group watched so much porn versus the control group. And then they assess. So did the relationship get stronger or less?
So as scientists do like hundreds of these kinds of studies, the results are completely mixed. Completely mixed. You get some studies that say Yes porn and actually really helped couples come together. They’re more satisfied. You have others as like it [00:39:00] had no bearing on their relationship total, or others saying actually they felt more distant as a result.
So what that tells me is. There’s gonna be a lot of variation in couples experiences. So there’s no true, like one size fits all like thing. But one thing we do know is those that already have an attitude that there’s no big deal with porn. And sure, I’ll watch it with my partner that, that sounds fun. Why would I want to?
Of course you’d want to, like, if they had that kind of attitude going into it, then it kind of, because they watch the erotic films, they start feeling a little more aroused and next thing they know, they wanna, you know, jump the bones of their spouse. It feels good to them. And they’re, they’re both kind of involved.
Well, that’s gonna be a very different experience compared to the people that they’re really unsure about. They’re really uncomfortable about what’s on the screen. They’re really uncomfortable. Like, like what’s going on in my partner’s mind as he’s watching this? Like there’s a lot of comparison. Like, [00:40:00] exactly.
And then you jump into it, your body might feel some arousal. Mm-hmm. Because there’s something just. Arousing about seeing that like you’re physiologically aroused, yet in your mind you’re not aroused and there’s gonna be a difference. It’s not always concordant that way. So then you’re in a sexual scenario and over time you’re like, I don’t know if this is really a good for relationship.
Does he really want me or is he is doing it ’cause of the porn? Like so you’re gonna have a very mixed experience. So if you’re in the very first camp, then I think the science says it’ll help you. Now, for my personal opinion, if you’re okay with that.
I
Dan: don’t believe pornography is good for most relationships.
I don’t choose it. I don’t think it’s helpful because it’s produced. It’s like, it’s like Cheetos, the snack Cheetos from Frito-Lay. They got a bunch of scientists together in a room and said, okay, what parts the brain light up when they eat certain things and it’s sugar and fat and crunch. What can we do to [00:41:00] optimize high sugar, high fat, right amount of crunch?
Produce a snack that’s super cheap that we can sell for high margins. Mm-hmm. And it has low nutritional value as a result. Right. If we are, if your diet is on Cheetos, which by the way, your brain’s like, I like that, I want more of that because it’s lighting up the pleasure centers in your brain, right?
Yeah.
Dan: Just ’cause it’s our survival mechanism. If you’re starving, then you’d go for high fat, high sugar foods, because that’s what our brains need. So we’re very adapted to certain kinds of things, but it’s o ultra concentrated. So now you’re eating Cheetos as your diet.
Mm-hmm.
Dan: that’s not gonna help you nutritionally.
So in a way, porn is like the Cheetos of sex, where it’s highly like these people on screen. They don’t share bills together. They’re not raising kids together. they’re not.
Andrea: They may not even, they don’t have everyday
Dan: regular challenges together. They’re not invested in each other. Right.
[00:42:00] this is Cheetos. It’s, it’s a diet. So part of it is, so that’s a part of it. Just understanding that when people choose to, you can get a sexual gratification out of watching porn.
Mm-hmm.
Dan: It could be very gratifying, but it’s a low cost for high sexual arousal, where in a real relationship that’s not real life.
It’s actually easier to get off on porn than it is with your spouse, because with your spouse. First of all, you have to be connected emotionally. You have to make sure you’ve talked about your day and you like so many barriers. I’d rather go watch porn and masturbate. That’s the easy way out, at least to get my fixed.
But there’s gonna be an emptiness and hollowness in it because the porn’s never gonna love you back. It’s not gonna ask you about your day. It’s not gonna invest in you and care about you. So there’s something about building a real relationship that’s like, mm-hmm. The Brussels sprouts or the green beans or the salads or the, yeah, real nutrition.
Yeah. [00:43:00] So you gotta make sure there are diets on that. And then the other opinion I have is the industry itself is very suspect. Most of the actors in it, they say they’re liberated. And I just listened to a few former porn stars just share their story, getting out of the industry. Most of them are on drugs, even the high paid ones.
They make a lot of money, but they spend even more on illegal drugs just to get through scenes. They feel very numb to themselves. It’s very cutthroat industry. The demands of like pushing the boundaries keep getting higher and higher and higher so there’s less freedom in it, and people in it feel stuck.
Yeah. This is how they make money. This is what they know, but getting out of it, they feel trapped in it. And so I don’t wanna support an industry that’s dark, that’s full of a lot of things.
Yeah.
Dan: But that’s my opinion. You’re welcome to have your opinion. And it’s okay if it’s different than mine, but I, I think I wouldn’t recommend a couple sit [00:44:00] down and watch porn together if that’s how they wanna build a better relationship long term.
Andrea: Yeah. Yeah. I think that’s very interesting what you said. And I guess it is to each his own. And if they have those conversations together and decide, hey, you know, once in a while, let’s make this part of like a special night or something, we do fun, you know, I think that’s fine. But I agree with you on like, as an everyday thing or part of your.
Your sexual lifestyle. I think that’s very hard to sustain that. Or you, you know, and you do go through those moments of, I’m sure jealousy, you know, like so many different things probably go through your mind that’s creating more of a wedge between you than it is bringing you together. So I, I welcome your opinion.
I think it’s good. I think it’d be fun sometimes, but I’m not a big, I’m not a big porn fan, so I get
Dan: that. Well go make your own with your, with your partner and watch that. I think that’d be a lot harder.
Your face,
Dan: don’t share it with the world. It is just for you two. But that can be very erotic. [00:45:00] Very, and it probably give you the, the kind of the puncher after anyway.
Yeah. But
Dan: that’s a great
substitute. Or go do
Dan: a role play together, do a role, play date, or do something like go out in the woods or out in the canyon or at a lake at night and just be a little naughty. Of course. Check your laws, make sure you’re not doing anything illegal that I think pack a bigger punch.
For erotic fuel for your relationship. Yeah. Than, yeah, something cheap, you know? That’s my opinion.
Andrea: That’s great. Do you train much on role play stuff? I don’t ever hear much about it. I tend to ask it a lot in my, would you rather question if people would rather have blindfolded surprises or playful role play and it’s, you know, it’s usually 50 50, but a lot of people are like, I don’t, I don’t know the role play.
I have never done role play. I think it, it’s intimidating. I don’t know why. Andrea,
Dan: you were missing out.
Andrea: Did we miss it out?
Dan: You’re missing out. It could be so fun,
Andrea: but like, what’s the top people that you would role play? I mean, is it always [00:46:00] like a I’m being robbed and they come in the door and I’m like, yeah, that’s how I think of it.
Or a nurse and a patient, you know, kind of thing.
Dan: Is that what
Andrea: you’re thinking?
Dan: so every person’s gonna have their preferences, but, okay. All right. We can’t talk about role play without talking about the yin and the yang first. Okay. So let’s go there real quick.
Yeah.
Dan: In any good sexual encounter, you’re gonna have polarity.
Polarity is like positive pull, negative pull. The stronger the strength, the different poles.
Andrea: Yeah.
Dan: The greater the attraction. Right. A strong magnet is very attracted to the opposite pole.
Oh yeah.
Dan: So role plays are, all they are is just exaggerating. The masculine or the feminine or the yin and the yang pull.
Just think about it that way.
Okay. I like it.
Andrea: In my mind, like I said, I’ve never done it. So in my mind it’s like. The very specific, like the knock at the door and yes doctor come in, you know, to me that seems so cheesy and like, oh my God, are we really [00:47:00] doing this?
But the way you said it is you’re taking things that you do in your everyday life and you’re spicing it up. You’re just making it a little bit different, you know? And so I think that kind of role play is, you’ve changed my mind on this, on the way I’m thinking about it. And like, oh, okay, I see how you’re doing that.
You take things that you might enjoy doing and changing it up a little bit and making it like a role play. So I think that’s really, that’s exciting. More so than Andrea
Dan: for you, if I can put you on the spot just a little bit.
Okay. Yeah.
Dan: In your sexual relationship
mm-hmm.
Dan: Your, your best top peak sexual experiences, are you more of the person calling the shots, like more the dominant role?
Are you, do you enjoy being more the submissive role? Like how about you.
Andrea: More dominant. Great
Dan: play. You would be better off as a doctor, not the patient. Yeah.
Yeah, I would. ’cause, [00:48:00]
Dan: because that’s the way you tend to gravitate towards in your relationships. So yeah, your role play would be better off if you’re the female doctor.
He was expecting a male doctor, not a female doctor. Right. You come in, you have your clipboard, and you’re gonna tell him exactly what he needs to do next. And because you’re the doctor, you’re in charge and he’s the patient he has to listen to. I don’t care if he makes a billion dollars a year, you’re the doctor and he’s the patient, so he’s gotta listen to you.
Do you see how that’s, Ooh, I
like that
Dan: now. Now we’re talking about polarity here. That is a role play that you both can engage in.
Andrea: Yeah. So you gotta know really what turns you on. You know who you are and what will work for you. ’cause that may not have worked. Being, you know, as doing it the way you did it.
It, it just depends on who you are and how you partake in that kind of activity. Right,
Dan: right, right, right.
we did another role play once where our kids were like, at grandma’s house or something. [00:49:00] We had an empty house, which was really rare for us.
So we’re gonna have be at home six kids.
Yeah.
Dan: And so we, we got this date idea, it’s not our own. We got this particular one online, fantastic website called Faithful Fling. They come up with roleplay, sexy dates for couples.
Ooh, I like this. Okay.
Dan: So anyway, she’s a realtor coming to my house.
I’m selling my house and she’s a very assertive top, uh, listing agent in the area, coming to convince me that I need to hire her as my listing agent to sell my house.
Okay. Okay. And.
Dan: Do you see how that’s also about role play dynamics, right? Yes. She’s gonna be more assertive in this role play. She’s gonna be more like, this is what we’re gonna do.
And she tested every single bed, tested, every single couch tested, even the washer made sure she saw the wow. You know, like, take me to the garage. You got a lot of tools here. That’s good. Like she’s dropping hints left and right through everything. [00:50:00] And they’re smoking hot’s. Do you see how like that’s role plays?
Can they, don’t they? They can be more scripted, like, like the realtor visiting. They could be more impromptu, like a haircut
or they
Dan: can just be in bed just looking at each other and goes like, you want this, don’t you?
Yes. And being dominant. The tease, that is a role
Dan: play, right? That’s, that’s the play you’re playing in.
Interesting. A particular role we’re gonna exaggerate. The yin or the ying or the, or the feminine, masculine.
Andrea: So, okay. So to kind of reignite relationships that have been maybe dwindling over time for a little bit, like what would be some practical tips for reigniting the sexual connection that you could get?
Dan: It always starts with the small things, I think. Do you like each other?
Mm-hmm. Do
Dan: you wanna invest in each other? Do you care about each other?
Yeah.
Dan: Do you wanna go out? Just have fun? I think we kind of get so lost in the mundane and the pressure and the stress. [00:51:00] We forgot how to have fun together at the beginning Relationship.
You knew how to have fun. You’d have fun all the time. You forget that. So make,
go back to that.
Dan: The date night is a time, not where you go grocery shopping together. Date night is not a time to balance the checkbook. Date night is when you’re supposed to have fun. Yeah, do all your other stuff that you need to get done other times, but this is a safe container.
Yeah. Even if it’s just for an hour, we’re gonna have fun doing something we both enjoy. So you don’t have to spend a lot of money, but just do something fun. And I think that’s the foundation for these things. It’s that friendship and build that friendship. Be good friends for each other, love each other, care for each other.
Start to cherish, yeah. Each other. And I think the rest starts to follow suit.
Andrea: Oh my gosh, this is so much good stuff. So, but before we’re done here, what are one or two small, consistent habits that couples can contribute to keeping their intimacy alive?
I know you talked [00:52:00] about just communication, having the little date nights, things that don’t make them feel overwhelmed in the beginning. Just a little takeaway for the listeners, even if it’s repeating what you said before.
Dan: I think gratitude goes a long way and expressing it is one thing, but you can always say something.
Hey, uh, thanks for dinner. Thanks for unloading the dishwasher. Whatever you wanna say. It’s a different thing to like, feel it in your body first, and then there’s a difference. Yeah. So it’s more of a mindfulness tip than anything, but mm-hmm. Just being more mindful of gratitude. You can have, let me share with this story, and it’s a tragic story.
My, my wife’s cousin lives in Florida. She’s 29 years old, has three kids, eight, four in one. She goes running with a bunch of friends every Monday morning, okay? They go to a park with, with jogging trails. So she puts the little kids in the jogging stroller and they chat and have fun and go jog for a while, and then comes home.
So this Monday in May, she puts [00:53:00] her, finishes the run, puts the kids in their car seats, puts the stroller in the back of the car, and it’s, she’s driving home. She comes to an intersection and a drunk driver runs through the red light in the opposite direction and t-bones her, and she’s dies instantly.
29 years old. Three little kids. It’s tragic. It’s horrible. The, the children lived. The children are fine. Mom was killed instantly.
So what, in my mind’s eye, I wanna picture like, let’s rewind back to Sunday night. Let’s pretend that Sunday night kids are in bed, husband and wife, they’re at the sink, brushing their teeth together. I wonder what their conversation was like that night.
Yeah.
Dan: I don’t know. I have no idea. But what if they knew that was gonna be their last night together?
Would’ve, would the quality of the conversation have been anything different? Totally would have. Right. If you knew [00:54:00] that today was gonna be the last day with your spouse, with your loved one, would you treat them a little bit differently today? Probably. So.
Why wait.
Dan: I don’t mean to be grim about this, but
yeah.
Dan: There is something about death and endings that conjure up cherishing. That’s when you realize nothing in life is guaranteed. You’re not, uh, you’re not entitled to happiness. You’re not entitled to all these things, and everything that you have is actually a gift. So treat your loved one as a gift. Hug your spouse or your partner.
Bring ’em close. Cherish them. Yeah, cherish them. Love them. Because you never know, today might be the last day something could happen and you just never know.
Yeah.
Dan: That I think having that attitude now when you say, thanks for unloading the dishwasher, that takes on a whole different level of meaning. It’s not about just gratitude, like [00:55:00] just to say it, to check it off the list.
It’s like, I’m grateful you’re in my life and you wanna do things to make my life better too, and that means something to me. I really appreciate that. I’m better off because of you. That’s the attitude.
Andrea: Perfect. Love that. What a great way to end that conversation. That could have been more perfect. Thank you for sharing that story.
That’s very sad. Very sad. So tell everybody where they can find you.
Dan: Thank you. My website is Get Your Marriage on.com. I primarily work with married couples in midlife.
Okay. Or about the empty nester stage, like it’s like in between there that really wanna get their marriage to the next level. Mm-hmm. And my Instagram is also get your marriage on and then you’ll find my apps, my main app is called Intimately Us, so you’ll search the app store for intimately us. And my other app is called Just Between Us, those two are my main apps.
Andrea: Perfect. Thank you for sharing that. Before you go, I’d love to [00:56:00] play a little game called for Mrs to Miss. Would you Rather I have, here we go.
Dan: I have. Yeah, we do. That was kind of heavy, wasn’t it? All right.
That’s
Andrea: okay. Let’s, that’s got us here. Alright, you ready? Here we go. Number one, would you rather work with a couple struggling with mismatched libidos or one dealing with unresolved resentment?
Dan: Uh, what’s the difference?
Because they’re resentful about the mismatched libidos. Mismatched libidos. Yeah. That, I mean, it’s all the same kind of work to me.
Andrea: Number two, would you rather help couples rediscover the thrill of slow seduction or dive into the excitement of spontaneous passion? Which way would you head or both again?
Dan: Ooh. Oh, I’d say slow seduction. Bad to pick.
Andrea: It’s hot, right? Like that is, yes.
Dan: Slow. Take a slow.
Andrea: I mean, there’s both, like you can throw somebody up against a wall and you can have a great time right [00:57:00] there. You know, there’s something about that, but slow
too.
Andrea: Number three. Would you rather coach a couple on how to balance naughty and nice in public or how to bring out their boldest sides in private?
Dan: Hmm. Boldest sides in private, I think would private much rather coach that too.
Andrea: PBAI, I don’t wanna kiss here and there, but beyond that I’m like looking or I can’t even, it’s
Dan: too much. Yeah. Yeah. It can be a distraction for sure, but there’s, I gotta say there is something about human neuroticism, about, for some people, others not so much, but it’s the forbidden is the draw.
Yes.
Dan: Like it is, it’s the naughtiness of it makes it exciting. So like we might get caught and that’s what gives it a thrill. Yeah. It’s so mile high. But you can experiment with that, you know, boldly in private too. So.
Andrea: Good point. Good point. Alright. Number four, would you rather fall for [00:58:00] someone who makes you laugh uncontrollably, or someone who gives you butterflies Every time they walk in the room.
Dan: Butterflies. Every time they walk in the room.
Andrea: Yeah. So cool about that. Number five, would you rather laugh your way through a sexy board game or spice things up with role play? Here’s my question.
Dan: Wow. That’s a tough one. I want both.
Andrea: They’re all fun. It’s all fun stuff. Oh, we played
Dan: some board games where we just laughed ourselves through.
We just had so much fun. My goodness. That was so fun. It’s not ’cause that the sex was hot. It was just, it was a funny experience. We just laugh about it.
Andrea: Yeah. You found out stuff, new stuff, right? You didn’t. Mm-hmm. Number six. Would you rather have the ability to read your partner’s mind during sex or be able to control their sensations with just a touch?
Dan: Ooh, read their mind for sure. That’d be great.
Andrea: I dunno if I wanna know what they’re thinking. I dunno.
Dan: Yeah. [00:59:00] Yeah, you’re right. That is dangerous territory. But man,
it’s dangerous.
Dan: Yeah. At least I’d be more empowered, you know? I could read their mind. Okay, now I know what, where to go next or whatever.
Andrea: Exactly.
That’s the good part. Alright. Number seven. Trying new positions or mastering the old ones.
Dan: These are tough questions. I have to pick one or the other. Try new positions. If I had to pick,
Andrea: yeah, trying new positions is fun, but it’s hard because you also, then you get yourself in a spot where there’s an expectation to raise the bar and have something new every time.
Right. So you gotta balance that. I think. Yeah, there is that balance. Yeah, you’re
Dan: right. Absolutely. Yeah, I agree with you. That’d.
Andrea: Number eight, would you rather experiment with a fun sex toy or try out a daring new location?
Dan: These are tough questions I have to pick. I can’t say both.
Andrea: I mean, just today about a
Dan: daring new location with a new sex toy.
Andrea: Ooh, I like that. [01:00:00] Or use sex toy in a daring new location. Yeah, there
you go. Yep.
Andrea: Number nine. Would you rather teach partners how to build tension all day long with subtle hints or how to instantly turn up the heat when the moment strikes?
Dan: I say build up tension slowly throughout the day. Yeah, to turn up the heat.
That’s great.
Andrea: Ah, yeah. The thought of going home to that, like building it up all day and someone waiting for you at home, that’s,
Dan: yeah, that’s really good.
Andrea: That’s good. Number 10, slow dancing in the living room or spontaneous dance moves in the kitchen.
Dan: Spontaneous dance moves. I don’t know. Both. Both. I like both.
Both depends. The moment. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I like both. But
Andrea: are you and Emily like that you break into, break into dance every now and then?
Dan: Well, yeah. With our kids especially, like, yeah, turn on the music and we’ll all dance, you know, during kitchen cleanup or whatever. But then, so fun. Then a romantic song comes, I gotta say that over [01:01:00] again.
A romantic song comes on and I take my wife to the living room and we dance, and our kid’s like, mom, dad, stop it. Ew. Gross. Gross. You know, isn. That’s so funny.
It’s still the same way. And
Dan: I know I twirl her around and I dip her and whatever. Like yeah.
I give her kids.
Dan: Yeah, she, my wife loves that kind of stuff.
I love it too. Yeah, her kids. So yeah, it’s all good. Both needed.
Andrea: Yes.
I get to find out something new about somebody. So, well, I’ve loved having you, Dan. This has been been so great. It’s so much great information and, and you know, a lot for the listeners to take away. So I really appreciate you being here. That’s been amazing. Amazing. You have a great one.
Bye.
Dan: Great.
Dan Purcell: Thank you for listening to this episode, if you want a more meaningful sexual and intimate connection in your marriage, I invite you to check out my, get your marriage on program.
Over a hundred couples have said this program [01:02:00] packs tremendous value and has helped their intimacy grow to the next level. Now go get your marriage on.
