Why Don’t I Want Sex Anymore? Understanding Low Libido in Marriage

Losing your desire for sex is incredibly common, and it rarely means something is permanently wrong with you or your marriage. Low libido usually has understandable causes: exhaustion, stress, performance pressure, anxiety, depression, unaddressed hurt, or the slow drift of avoidance. The encouraging news is that desire can be rebuilt once you understand what dampened it.

Why don’t I want sex anymore?

If you’ve caught yourself wondering why you don’t want sex the way you used to, please hear this first: you are not broken, and you are far from alone. This is one of the most common struggles couples bring to coaching, and it is also one of the most workable. It’s also just one part of the bigger picture of desire in marriage.

Desire responds to your whole life. When you’re exhausted, stressed, anxious, low, or quietly hurt, your body and brain pull energy away from wanting sex. That isn’t a character flaw—it’s how desire works.

Desire is also rarely static. It rises and falls with sleep, workload, mood, health, and the season of life you’re in. A dip after a hard stretch or a new baby is your system responding to real circumstances—not proof that the spark is gone for good.

On the podcast I’ve said that the solution to most sexual struggles starts with learning to look at the problem differently. Low desire is usually a signal worth understanding, not a verdict to panic over.

Often what looks like “low desire” is actually responsive desire—wanting that shows up after connection begins rather than before. If you rarely crave sex but can enjoy it once you’re in it, read responsive versus spontaneous desire before you conclude anything is wrong with you.

Is low libido normal, or is something wrong with me?

It’s normal, and it’s common. Braxton Dutson, a licensed clinical social worker and certified sex therapist, told me that researchers define a “sexless marriage” as having sex fewer than ten times a year—and by that measure, up to 20% of marriages qualify.

But Braxton made a point I love: the number isn’t what matters—the distress is. If the two of you feel disconnected sexually, that’s worth addressing whether you technically land above or below some research line.

Part of what keeps people stuck is shame on both sides. Men often feel they should want sex constantly. Women often quietly wonder, “Why don’t I want it more? Am I broken? Is there a female Viagra?” Neither belief is true or helpful, and carrying that shame silently only makes desire harder to recover.

And no, there isn’t a desire pill. As Braxton put it, Viagra improves blood flow—it doesn’t manufacture desire. The real work is gentler and more human than a prescription.

What causes a couple to stop having sex?

Braxton described several patterns he sees most often in his therapy office. See which ones feel familiar.

The performance-anxiety cycle. Someone loses an erection, or sex feels clunky or painful, and it gets loaded with meaning—”I’m not a good lover,” “I’m not manly.” Anxiety rises, which makes the next time harder, which feeds still more anxiety.

Avoidance. To dodge that pressure, couples start steering around sex—sometimes even picking a fight beforehand. As Braxton said, if I’m fighting with you, I don’t have to be vulnerable with you. It becomes a defense mechanism.

Exhaustion and a growing family. Sex gets saved for the very end of the day, when you’re depleted, the kids might be next door, and you’d honestly rather sleep. Young kids, as Braxton wryly noted, aren’t exactly an aphrodisiac—and the more sex gets postponed, the easier it becomes to keep postponing it, until you realize it’s been months.

Anxiety, depression, and old hurts. It’s hard to want sex when you’re low, overwhelmed, or carrying unaddressed pain, criticism, or trauma in the relationship. These causes are real, and some of them deserve the care of a good therapist.

The “devil’s pact.” One of the most common traps Braxton named: the higher-desire spouse, tired of feeling rejected, stops initiating, and the lower-desire spouse agrees to “just say yes when you ask.” The result is one partner always wanting and the other chronically feeling guilty—the engine of the sexual rejection spiral. If that dynamic sounds like yours, our companion guide on what to do when you have mismatched sex drives goes deeper.

Why does sex start to feel like a chore?

When desire is already low, sex can quietly turn into a performance with a pass/fail grade. Braxton pointed out that once a couple decides sex has to “achieve” something—an orgasm, penetration, a particular script—every encounter starts carrying the risk of failure.

And most of us hate feeling like we failed. So after a few disappointing tries, avoiding sex begins to feel safer than risking another letdown. The way out isn’t trying harder at the goal—it’s removing the goal so sex can be about connection and pleasure again.

Can you get your sex drive back?

Yes. Desire is rebuildable. But Braxton is honest that there’s no single trick—some couples come in wanting one magic position or one rule, and the real answer is less flashy and far more freeing.

Change the expectations. Many of us absorbed a “sex like the movies” script: wordless, effortless, always ending in simultaneous fireworks. Letting go of that script removes a huge amount of the pressure that smothers desire.

Talk about it. Two questions Braxton recommends are “What would you like tonight?” and “Can we help get you in the mood?” Then get curious: “Show me what you like.” Curiosity beats performance every time.

Crucially, don’t take a slow start or a different preference personally. When you can explore together without keeping score, sex stops feeling like a test one of you is failing and starts feeling like something you’re discovering side by side.

Stop saving sex for 11 p.m. If the only time you reach for each other is when you’re both running on empty, of course desire struggles. Protect some earlier, less-exhausted windows for connection. And when you do reach for each other, our guide on how to get in the mood can help you warm up.

How do we rebuild desire without pressure?

The biggest shift Braxton teaches is moving from orgasm and performance to pleasure and connection.

Especially when you’re climbing out of a long dry spell, don’t start by aiming at intercourse or orgasm. Start with connection—cuddling, holding, an unhurried conversation, eye contact. There is real pleasure to be found without the genitals being the goal at all.

This also means letting go of ego. If an erection is harder to get, or lubrication needs a little help, those are things to roll with, not referendums on your worth. Reaching for lube or slowing down doesn’t make you “less than”—it makes you a thoughtful lover.

And address the hurts. In most low-desire marriages, pain has piled up and each person has dug into their position. Gently naming and repairing those hurts is what finally lets a new pattern begin.

Underneath all the techniques sits one quiet truth I keep returning to: a great deal of the heat in long-term sex comes from deeply liking the person you’re with—from being truly seen and known by them. When you feel safe and cherished, your body is far more willing to show up. If the two of you have drifted into feeling more like roommates than lovers, rebuilding that emotional closeness is often where desire quietly returns.

There’s also a longer game worth naming. On another episode I’ve described how, when you each keep growing as a person, you’re never quite making love with the same spouse twice. Desire stays alive partly through becoming someone—and being with someone—who is genuinely interesting to know.

If you’ve been stuck in this for a while and want a guided way out—with steps, support, and real accountability—that’s exactly what we walk couples through in our Next Level coaching program. You can begin even if your spouse isn’t ready yet.

Frequently asked questions about low libido