If you were raised not to talk about sex—through purity culture or simple silence—breaking that silence in marriage is genuinely hard. You were trained not to think about or want sex, then expected to flip a switch at the wedding. The way forward is naming those inherited messages, releasing the shame, and giving each other permission to talk.
If sex was a forbidden, unspoken topic in your home growing up, talking about it now can feel almost impossible—like there’s an invisible rule you’re breaking just by opening your mouth.
That rule is real, and it was installed in you young. The good news is that rules like this can be gently rewritten—and our complete sexual communication guide shows where to start.
This builds on our cornerstone guide to talking about sex with your spouse, with special care for those of us raised in silence.
Why is it so hard to talk about sex if you grew up religious?
For many of us, sex wasn’t just unspoken—it was wrapped in fear and shame. Dr. Camden Morgante, a clinical psychologist who studies purity culture, traces how a whole movement taught young people to avoid sex using fear as the primary tool.
Rings, pledges, and “don’t even think about it” messaging created a generation that learned sex was dangerous and unmentionable.
Andrew Cannon put it heartbreakingly on my podcast: as a teen he had powerful sexual feelings and no one ever told him that was normal or okay. No validation, just silence and shame.
When that’s your foundation, of course talking feels forbidden. You’re not weak—you were trained.
What is the “switch” problem?
Here’s the cruelest part. You spend years white-knuckling “don’t think about it, don’t think about it”—and then on your wedding day, you’re suddenly supposed to flip a switch and be open, passionate, and fluent in a language no one taught you.
Jan-Maris Cannon described exactly this. She was afraid to even ask questions before her wedding, because she wasn’t supposed to think about or talk about sex. So she walked into marriage not knowing how to proceed.
That switch doesn’t exist. Decades of trained silence don’t vanish because a ceremony happened.
If this leaves you and your spouse with very different ideas and no idea how to merge them, that’s not failure. That’s the predictable result of two people raised to stay quiet.
How do I separate the good values from the shame?
This is the key move, and Dr. Morgante models it beautifully. She still holds her faith and her values around sex—but she’s spent years untangling the shame and the myths that got bundled in with them.
You can keep what you’ve genuinely chosen and release what was only ever fear. The belief that your worth depends on your sexual past, or that doing everything “right” earns you a perfect marriage—those are myths worth setting down.
Naming which messages were fear-based is freeing. Our faith-cluster guides on healing from sexual shame and whether it’s okay to want sex go deep on this.
How do we actually start talking?
Be brave. As the Cannons say, the scary thing is often exactly where your breakthrough is—so ask the question that feels too vulnerable to ask.
Start by giving each other the permission you never got: “This is normal. This is good. We’re allowed to talk about this now.” Say it out loud.
Have compassion for your different upbringings, too. You each absorbed different messages, and you’re not adversaries—you’re two people learning a new language together.
Keep it low-stakes at first, and lean on the setup skills from our cornerstone. If one of you tends to clam up entirely, our guide on what to do when your spouse won’t talk about sex can help.
Can couples really heal from this?
Yes. I’ve watched it, and the Cannons are proof.
They carried shame, withdrawal, and years of real pain into their marriage. But they reached a tipping point and found genuine healing and hope—enough that these private people were willing to share their story to help others.
Your story isn’t finished either. The silence you were handed doesn’t have to be the silence you keep. A faith that once felt at odds with sex can become the foundation for faith and great sex together.
You can hear Dr. Morgante’s insights in her episode, and the Cannons’ full story in their sextimony.
Ready to break the silence together?
If you’d love gentle, judgment-free help learning to talk about sex after a lifetime of silence, we’re here.
Our Next Level coaching program walks couples through unlearning shame and building the kind of open, honest intimacy you were always meant to have.
Frequently asked questions about talking about sex after a strict upbringing
Because the silence was trained early and runs deep. If you grew up in purity culture or a home where sex was unmentionable, you learned to avoid it for years. A wedding doesn’t erase that conditioning; gently unlearning it does.
Start by separating the values you genuinely choose from the fear-based myths that came with them. Naming which messages were rooted in shame, rather than truth, lets you keep your faith while releasing the shame that harms your marriage.
Be brave and start small. Give each other explicit permission to talk, approach it with compassion for your different upbringings, and ask the questions that feel scary. Those vulnerable conversations are usually where the breakthrough happens.
Absolutely. Many couples raised in shame go on to build deeply connected, joyful intimacy. You can hold your faith and your values while letting go of the fear and silence, and many find their faith becomes a foundation for great intimacy.
