124: Dangers of Duty Sex with Cami Hurst

by | Mar 3, 2023 | General Posts, Podcast

One complaint I hear a lot from couples is where they feel like their spouse is consenting to sex but isn’t enthusiastic about it. These reports sound like, “let’s just hurry and get this done.” “I know it’s been a while so let me give you sex so that you’ll get off my back.” “I know sex is important for our marriage, and if I don’t give you sex, I’m afraid you’ll stray, besides it’s my wifely duty.” Or, “The bible says that I should never deny my husband so I let him have me, even if I don’t enjoy it at the moment, because aren’t we supposed to make sacrifices – and we’ll be rewarded for it later on?”

Sexual desire is strongly tied to a sense of self and freedom. But when you don’t feel free to be yourself in sex, it can be more harmful than good in your relationship.

My guest today is Dr. Cami Hurst. She recently completed an extensive study for her dissertation on the effects of “consensual” yet duty-focused sex in marriages. 

I personally gained a lot from this episode. It made me reflect on how important choice and freedom is to a healthy sexual relationship, and how harmful duty sex can be to the intimacy of the marriage.

She makes an important distinction between responsive desire (where you may not be in the mood when sex begins but as things get going you generally can get into it and enjoy it) and duty sex, where you don’t enjoy it but you feel like you can’t say no. She talks about how PTSD symptoms show up in women who engage in duty sex over time. She also talks about what you can do about it!

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<h3>Dan Purcell</h3>

Dan Purcell

Dan and his wife Emily Purcell are the founders of Get Your Marriage On! They are on a mission to strengthen marriages by making lovemaking incredibly fun and deeply connecting. Dan is a sex coach. They are also the creators of the popular Intimately Us and Just Between Us apps that have been downloaded over 750,000 times. They are the host of the popular Get Your Marriage On! podcast with over 1 million listens. In addition to their coaching program, they host romantic retreat getaways for couples, and put on workshops on how to have a great sex life and deeper intimacy.Dan and Emily met in middle school and have been married for over 20 years and have 6 kids. Dan loves cracking dad jokes, running marathons, planning the next creative date night with his sweetheart, and enjoys the magnificent outdoors around their St George home.

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