Money and intimacy have more in common than most couples realize.
In this episode, we sit down with financial coach Dan Ockey to talk about financial intimacy — how the way you manage money together reflects the way you handle trust, communication, and teamwork in every other area of your marriage (yes, even the bedroom).
You’ll hear Dan Ockey’s incredible story of turning debt, secrecy, and shame into a story of honesty, unity, and freedom — and how money challenges can actually strengthen your relationship if you face them together.
In this episode:
- How financial habits mirror sexual habits in marriage
- Why secrecy and pride around money create the same distance as sexual disconnection
- Simple mindset shifts that restore trust and teamwork
If you’ve ever argued about money, felt shame around spending, or struggled to get on the same page with your spouse — this episode will help you see finances not as a source of stress, but as a powerful tool for connection and intimacy.
👉 Learn more about Dan Oakey and Sensei Financial at www.centseifinance.com
👉 Apply for the Get Your Marriage On! coaching program at getyourmarriageon.com/program
Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.
Transcript
This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors or inaccuracies. For the most accurate and complete experience, we recommend listening to the full podcast episode.
Dan Ockey – Money
Dan Ockey: [00:00:00] I was giving off the appearance that I had a lot of money and that I was well off and that I was organized. And, it’s a good thing that she didn’t marry for my money or she would’ve left me a long time ago.
Dan Purcell: As pretty much any couple, myself included, can attest money troubles are never fun in a marriage. In fact, the way you handle money as a couple is a sign of how you relate in many other areas to things in your relationship too, including sexual intimacy.
Today I have a special guest, Dan Oakey. He and his wife have a amazing story and I wanna bring them on to talk about financial [00:01:00] intimacy. It’s an area I don’t cover much on the podcast, but I believe their message is powerful and definitely something I want my listeners to listen to. And it’s this, your many problems and the way you overcome them as a couple are there to strengthen your relationship.
Together. And so I hope by the end of this episode you walk away with a new perspective on how you handle finances in your marriage, and maybe even start working on a budget together, maybe with Dan’s company too.
Before we get into it, a quick announcement. Our in-person retreat has sold out. Yes, the one in April, 2026. All the spots are taken, but there might be a last minute opening if someone can’t come last minute. So if you’re still interested in coming, apply anyway and that’ll serve as our waiting list. We look forward to doing another in-person couples retreat in 2027, and you’re welcome to apply for that too.
But that’s not all we are doing. The thing we’ve never done before, and it is a cruise. We’re doing a get your marriage on cruise. It’s limited to just a small [00:02:00] group of couples. And we sail in October, 2026. And this is our couples that wanna do a deep dive into sexual intimacy in their marriage. And it’s gonna be just fun.
Come vacation with us. Come cruise with us. You’ll get to meet me. You get to work with, my team. We’re bringing on a boor photographer. We are gonna have classes and sessions all about deepening intimacy in your marriage on our sailing days too. So this cruise is a great opportunity for any couple that want to deepen intimacy and bring more. Aeros energy. That’s that life giving fun field energy in their sexual relationship, intimate relationship. That’s what this cruise is for.
You’ll find those details at Get Your Marriage on.com and click events, and you’ll see the option for the cruise there. Okay. It is not every day I get a welcome Dan to my podcast, Dan. Welcome. It’s fun to have someone that shares my name. How are you today?
Dan Ockey: We’re, I am doing great. We’re double damn trouble today, man. It’s good to
Dan Purcell: That’s right. [00:03:00] Funny anecdote. My best friend in high school, his name was also Dan, and we did everything together. So we were the Dan and Dan team and uh, it was pretty fun.
Dan Ockey: That’s awesome. That
Dan Purcell: Yep.
Dan Ockey: rare situation. I did you go by? Uh, did. I’m just curious. Did you go by your last names? How did people tell you apart
Dan Purcell: Yeah, I got all sorts of nicknames and he didn’t, I don’t know how that happened, but
Dan Ockey: it was you? You got the nicknames.
Dan Purcell: it.
Dan Ockey: So he was Dan, you were everything else.
Dan Purcell: Yes.
Dan Ockey: That’s awesome.
Dan Purcell: All right, so I’m really excited to talk about today’s topic and we’re talking about money, and I understand this is something a little bit different than what we usually talk about, but I promise by the end of episode, I think our listeners are gonna hopefully make this connection that.
Getting on the same page with, money Matters, has a lot of parallels with getting on the same page in the bedroom also. So let’s dive in. And Dan, I am so happy to have you on the podcast ’cause you have a really awesome story about how you’ve arrived to where you [00:04:00] have, and through your marriage and everything.
Let’s start there. What was it like, uh, months before you met your wife and you’re, getting ready for marriage?
Dan Ockey: I was broke and lying to my wife. Uh, so that’s a great place to start this conversation. Um, so, uh, when I got married, we got married relatively young. Um, I was she was 21. I was running a digital marketing company, and when we were dating, I was giving off the appearance that I had a lot of money and that I was well off and that I was organized. And, it’s a good thing that she didn’t marry for my money or she would’ve left me a long time ago.
Dan Purcell: Uh
Dan Ockey: we were dating, I, what was on the outside was not true of what was, of what was happening on the inside. And what the inside was is I was using debt to finance my whole lifestyle. I was
Dan Purcell: hmm.
Dan Ockey: up credit card debt. I was finding creative ways to take out student loans ’cause we were still in college. To be able to get what felt like free money, I was, not doing good things. And, I went from being on track to graduate college with no debt to. [00:05:00] Putting on about 20 grand of debt in about just, you know, three to six months of just behavior.
So this was debt that was totally avoidable, but was completely, I didn’t need to take this out for school, but I did, I did defund my lifestyle and that was
Dan Purcell: Oh.
Dan Ockey: debt, student loan debt, things like that. So, through this time I’m dating my wife. We’re having a great time. We’re eating out all the time.
She, you know, I’m tipping extravagantly. I’m paying for everybody’s meals. I’m giving off this appearance that I a wealthy, young, 20-year-old, and it
Dan Purcell: Yeah, you’re impressive Uhhuh.
Dan Ockey: I, I was impressive to the, to the waiter and waitress, I guess, uh, in my head. but uh, yeah, I was a complete sham. I was, it was a complete lie and nobody knew but me. And so, We get engaged and a few weeks before our wedding, my smart wife, daughter of an accountant says, you know, I’m about to, you know, join my life to yours. maybe I should know a little bit more about your money situation. And I was terrified. I did not want to talk about this. [00:06:00] she says, Dan, how much you know, how much debt do you have?
And, uh, the truth was, I had no idea how much debt I was in. I didn’t know the number, nor did I care.
And she.
Dan Purcell: We have this tendency, right? You, we don’t wanna see what we don’t wanna see. We, we sweep things under the rug. We keep things in the dark ’cause we don’t wanna know what’s there. It’s like the junk drawer in the kitchen. We just don’t know what’s there. So we kinda leave it alone.
Dan Ockey: Totally. And I was afraid that she would, judge me, or, or not want to marry me if she knew what was really happening. And, uh. So she went and got a notebook when she realized I didn’t know the answer, and brought me a pen and said, I don’t want you to get off this couch tell you know exactly how much debt you’re in. And I went and looked everything up and opened that drawer, per se, and I saw the number and it was over $20,000. And my heart sank because I realized, you know, a few months ago I didn’t know anybody any money. [00:07:00] And, Even with that realization, I still wasn’t planning on changing because I, in my mind, I was gonna make all this money and we were gonna figure this out, and I wouldn’t have to worry about money management or debt or any of these things.
Dan Purcell: Right.
Dan Ockey: so she didn’t know. That was my mentality. She just knew, oh, $20,000 of debt. That’s not terrible. Terrible. We’ll, we’ll deal with this after we get married and go from there. Great plan. so we end up getting married. It’s a great wedding, great honeymoon. And then we settle into our new apartment and, Kay’s like, all right, so let’s, let’s make a budget.
And I said G height and, uh, I did not.
Dan Purcell: Bless you.
Dan Ockey: did not. Yeah, I did not want to go there. Um, She, she’s my better half. And she, uh, kind of forced the issue and in that conversation she realized full extent. And in the first week of our new marriage, she realized her new husband, was living a facade and that we didn’t have any money and we didn’t have any income, [00:08:00] and we were living off of debt Right from the get go.
Dan Purcell: Oh, so that’s a shock.
Dan Ockey: Yes. It’s a betrayal of trust right off the bat, right. For,
Dan Purcell: Right
Dan Ockey: And so the next, I wish I could say that right at that moment I decided to change, but I was still stubborn. And for the next few months we would, it was an argument every single day about money and resources and what I was gonna do and how we were gonna provide.
And it was terrible. And
Dan Purcell: right.
Dan Ockey: I just didn’t, it got to the point of is this gonna work? Are we gonna be able to make this work? Um.
Dan Purcell: Looking back, why is it that you didn’t wanna address the money issue then? What was going on inside?
Dan Ockey: Because it was an admission that I didn’t know what I was doing. it was an admission. I think that my plan, my way wasn. that,
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
Dan Ockey: I, I, I wanted to be enough. I wanted to be able to have all the answers. it was me just, being a little bit prideful, I guess. Um, and saying, [00:09:00] okay, we’ll do a budget, you know, we’ll, we’ll work on this together.
It was basically admitting that all the decisions I had been making were wrong,
Dan Purcell: Yeah.
Dan Ockey: that’s, that was, I, I wasn’t willing to do that. I wasn’t willing to
Dan Purcell: Right?
Dan Ockey: Or I need help, I’m wrong, or I need help, or, I don’t know what I’m doing. Just this is admission that I wasn’t, didn’t have it all figured out. So after one particular painful. I walk out of our apartment, slam the door, and go on a walk, and I’m just thinking, and I’m just, you know, I’m, I’m being humbled a little bit and I’m just like, all right, maybe I need to, know, my marriage isn’t working, so, you know, maybe the problem’s me
Dan Purcell: Uh, didn’t your wife like lock you out or something too?
Dan Ockey: No, She didn’t lock me out. I
Dan Purcell: Okay.
Dan Ockey: left. I just left. It was, it was me
Dan Purcell: Right, right.
Dan Ockey: I. Thinking and a thought came into my head that was, you know, hope, hopefully divine, probably divine. And the thought was, do your money, beliefs [00:10:00] matter more than her and your relationship with her? And, uh,
Dan Purcell: Like, do you wanna be married or do you wanna be right? Kind of an idea.
Dan Ockey: uh, and I was, know, I was on track to be neither. Um, and so, and so I. I thought to myself, you know, sincerely, truly, if it comes down to it, wanna be with her. I’m willing to sacrifice whatever I think I know about money to, come together with my wife on this. So
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
Dan Ockey: message that said, you can come back to the house now. and I came back and at moment I said, okay. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where we start. I don’t know how to talk about this. There’s still things that you say and think that really bother me, but I’m willing to try. I’m willing, I’m willing to learn and let’s figure this out. So that was great, but we didn’t know where, what to do next.
So we did the, the next most logical thing in our situation of no income and mounting debt, and we went on vacation.
Dan Purcell: Woohoo.[00:11:00]
Dan Ockey: it was, it was the, it was the logical next step.
Dan Purcell: Of course.
Dan Ockey: that’s right.
Dan Purcell: Spend more.
Dan Ockey: to spend more money as this is the solution to everything. So we went on a trip to California and our friends were getting married, and on that trip we met a couple. That was hosting, US and they were wealthy, they were successful. Um, they built and sold a business and they just seemed like they were a team. And they were like everything we wanted to be in 30 years. And we said, you know, where do we start? We kind of explained our situation. What do we do? Where, where do we go with money?
And they said two things that. Removed a lot of shame for me that I try to tell people every chance I get, which I’m about to tell you, which is the first thing is just because you’re an adult doesn’t mean you know how to money. And
Dan Purcell: That’s good. Just ’cause you’re an adult doesn’t mean you know how to money. Right.
Dan Ockey: it’s the same with bedroom. Just because you’re an adult doesn’t mean necessarily you don’t have how to have sex
Dan Purcell: That’s right. [00:12:00] Uh.
Dan Ockey: This is, this is a skill that has to be learned and it can be learned, but we have to learn. We’ve had to learn everything on this point up into our lives.
Money is no different, but for some reason we have this expectation that we, we’ll just have it all figured out. And like, oh, I can learn this and I, I shouldn’t expect that. I’m gonna know everything from the get go. And that was really helpful. second thing they said is. A third party system or a third party person who can help you go from your way and your partner’s way to y’all’s way that you can come together on is what they. Said was the secret for them. It’s just
Dan Purcell: Okay.
Dan Ockey: it’s not my ideas versus your ideas. It’s a, it’s a system we can come together to work on that. We’re now working together through this and we become a team to move forward. And we said, great. Who do, who’s the system? We’re a third party. We go on and, and they said, well, you know Dave Ramsey, and I said, Dave Ramsey is the last person I want to listen to or talk about at all.
I, I [00:13:00] hate that guy. I don’t even know him and I hate that guy. But we were broke and we had nowhere else to go. So, we downloaded his book on the way home, and we listened to the whole thing. And on a napkin, we wrote out our first financial plan. We said, okay, we’re gonna get outta debt, we’re gonna do what it takes. We’re gonna do the hard work. And that was our first step.
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
Dan Ockey: uh. We, we started to get to work and we thought it was gonna take us about two years to dig us out of this, this hole that I had put us in.
Dan Purcell: Uh huh.
Dan Ockey: we were still finishing our degrees at the same time. So that was even, you know, lofty.
Dan Purcell: Your college students, that puts it in context. Yes.
Dan Ockey: right. we get to work and we start trying to budget and do things Dave Ramsey’s way, and I, you know, I have nothing against Dave still to this day, even if my initial outlook wasn’t. Uh, Um, but
Dan Purcell: Uh.
Dan Ockey: he’s a, he is done a lot of good, but what I, but I found some of the tools that he offered us to, to move forward didn’t [00:14:00] work for us.
an envelope budget, a zero based budget, making a new budget every month. didn’t stick with that. And just some other things that, that we wanted to do that he would’ve said not to. So we. I ended up realizing there’s a lot of people who’ve written about money. It’s not just Dave Ramsey.
So we started to read every money book we could get our hands on.
Dan Purcell: uh.
Dan Ockey: ask our friends, who’s the most successful person you know with money that’s still married And uh, we. And we went and interviewed them and we learned from them and we read entire financial blogs. And through this process we started to realize that we needed a system for managing money in addition to what had been initially taught to us.
And we started to develop our own tools and we took on extra jobs and we worked. And six months later, we were completely debt-free
Dan Purcell: That’s amazing. So instead, two years, it took six months.
Dan Ockey: Uh, as college students and, and, um, you know,
Dan Purcell: Congratulations.
Dan Ockey: [00:15:00] thank you. Yeah, I don’t wanna make this sound like it wasn’t work and we magically waved a magic wand. There are no quick fixes. Um, I scrubbed a lot of toilets at 4:00 AM to be able to do that, but,
Dan Purcell: And you’re, I also, Kay woke up at like four or 5:00 AM to teach English to, uh, Chinese students and like all these different opportunities that you could find to make things work, from what I understand, it’s just,
Dan Ockey: That’s correct.
Dan Purcell: yeah, but you’re committed together. That’s, that’s the magic of it.
Dan Ockey: That was the magic of it. So we accomplished this goal. We, we go to the bank to pay last payment. We, we have a dollar, I think 25 in our bank account. And feel like a king and queen, like, what
Dan Purcell: Uh huh.
Dan Ockey: We have no money, but we’re, we’re, we’re looking at each other and we’re like, can do anything.
Like we
Dan Purcell: Yeah.
Dan Ockey: this. We can build anything together. We are a team
Dan Purcell: Uh.
Dan Ockey: uh, that has blessed our marriage over the past eight [00:16:00] years, probably more than anything else.
Dan Purcell: Yeah, if we can overcome this, bring it on, we can do anything. That’s great. Yeah.
Dan Ockey: Yep.
Dan Purcell: So I’m really curious, Dan.
Dan Ockey: yeah.
Dan Purcell: then what happens? So you pay off the debt, you’re nearing graduation college, you’re feeling like a king. You can’t keep it to yourself, I’m assuming. How do you help others or what was the next step?
Dan Ockey: Yeah, so again, no intention of starting a business around this. We didn’t pay off our debt so we could go teach other people how to pay off debt
Dan Purcell: Uh
Dan Ockey: or, or run their money. That was not even a thought in our minds. thought we were the only ones struggling with money.
Dan Purcell: uh.
Dan Ockey: was just us very naive and. We wrote. So we just, we were so excited. We wrote a blog article, um, and it didn’t go viral, but it got a lot of attention and we posted it and all of a sudden our friends and our family and people we didn’t even know started reaching out and saying, how did you [00:17:00] do this? What did you
Dan Purcell: Uh,
Dan Ockey: What are these tools that you’re talking about? And we said, oh. Yeah, we’re happy to share. We, we, and we started inviting people over to our apartment in the living room and started teaching them. Um, and then we, we developed a full course and I sold my entire team at work and they all came over to my apartment after work. And we, I, we taught them about money.
I did that two times with different teams. Um, and then, then we, uh, then we started teaching people over the internet across the country. And then Then it just started growing from there. And then we got into, we started to see that if people had a third party coach who helped them, that would help ’em get more results. And now, eight years later, we’re coaches in 1400 clients. And, I’ve worked with every situation you can possibly imagine. So, really cool to see how it’s just snowballed from there.
Dan Purcell: That’s cool. And I know a little bit about your offering ’cause you work primarily with just married couples I think. because you want both people on the same. [00:18:00] but what you’re doing is far more than just teaching money management skills. You’re trying to help couples with their intimate relationship, especially around finances too.
Dan Ockey: 100% because that same feeling of. You know, we had it with a dollar 25, but as a king and queen, that affects every area of your relationship. It affects the bedroom, it affects, it affects the trust. It affects what you’re able to go and accomplish together. And if you as a, with your partner can have that trust and confidence around money, it’s going to roll over to every other area of your relationship.
Dan Purcell: Great. Okay. I wanna know more about, how you help couples with the relationship dynamic when it comes to money. Like, yes, anyone can read a book. They can, you know, listen to a podcast or download a budget app or you know, start things on a spreadsheet, but that doesn’t solve money problems because there’s so much stuff going in the relationship under the surface that needs to be addressed.
How do you help couples that are like politicking about money inside the marriage?[00:19:00]
Dan Ockey: Well, money’s the easiest thing to politic about, right?
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
Dan Ockey: package shows that you didn’t order and you’re like, what the heck? Um, and so, you know, it could be a lot of different things. The, the main solution to, to politicking and the constant, you know, I. In a lot of ways it’s unresolved trust and communication that manifests itself when we politic about money and our relationship, it’s having joint agreement together, a system of how we’re gonna manage our money. And while that does include, you know, technology and how we track things and we do a spreadsheet, it also includes how we’re gonna communicate about this. It also includes an understanding of where we both come from with money. We’re, we’re bringing two different universes together. And, and those universes view resources very differently. And so if you don’t have an agreed upon. System or, or a way of how you’re gonna approach the resources in your relationship. politicking is just [00:20:00] a natural outcome other areas of relationship that struggle with that same lack of communication are going to show up when it comes to anything financially related, because that’s what you’re often dealing with on a day-to-day, week to week basis.
Dan Purcell: That’s cool. Any couples that you’ve worked about or any stories you can share about where one tended not to be very honest or forthright with things maybe at the beginning and how that’s affected their marriage, and then maybe how you helped them learn to be more honest.
Dan Ockey: 100%. There’s a couple that I was thinking about. She didn’t trust her husband with money and so justified, that, and this is not female specific, this is just the situation. Right.
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
Dan Ockey: She felt like she, he was gonna wanna spend it if he saw the money.
So she was secretly taking money and hiding it away without his knowledge. and, they weren’t talking about that. And so, that was eventually discovered. It’s always eventually discovered at some point. And,
Dan Purcell: a blow up.
Dan Ockey: there’s always a blow up. [00:21:00] Yep. and when they came to us about that, you know, we talked through a couple things.
One, there’s, this is betrayal. When you take resource in a marriage, all money is both of yours, unless agreed upon otherwise. It’s a,
Dan Purcell: That’s, that’s the foundation piece, right? We, it’s the understanding even if one is a primary breadwinner, the other is not. It’s still our money. That’s, that’s the attitude you need to have.
Dan Ockey: exactly. There it is. Our money. So
Dan Purcell: resource. Oh, good.
Dan Ockey: 100%. and so, you know, when you realize your spouse has been taking our money without an agreement from us and putting it, there’s a sense of betrayal, because. it’s being hid from you. at the same time, what are the reasons behind why she was doing this?
Well, she grew up with money that was really scarce. It was, she felt, often felt scarce around, around money. There wasn’t a lot of money all the time, so, so security was really important to her. And when her husband would always wanna spend the money. That that [00:22:00] need of security was more important to her than the trust and communication with her, with her husband about it, or
Dan Purcell: Uh, right.
Dan Ockey: to communicate about it.
Dan Purcell: So she’d see her husband spend money maybe on, uh, you know, a sandwich or something, right? Like, or cup of coffee, whatever it might be. And her alarm bells in her head go off like, uh, oh, oh. That represents my security and it’s, I’m losing control of this. I’m losing control of me.
Dan Ockey: Exactly. So her natural inclination is to hide it, is to take it and hide it
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
Dan Ockey: take it and hide it, I have control. I’m secure and he can’t spend it. So what do you do in that situation? Well, just talking about those two things and helping both parties realize the other person’s side helps a lot. and, and being able to communicate about that. And then second, it’s helping them have, create a system around that of what are we gonna do to take care of your security and what are we gonna do to make sure you have money to spend [00:23:00] that we can both agree on in a way that’s gonna Help us both fill our needs here. that’s what we did. We, we clarified that for her. She felt had a sense of security with a certain amount of money
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Dan Ockey: But now he knows about it. He understands it. And you know, one of his problems was, well, I want that in the bank, or an investment earning it money. And we calculated that out and it’s
Dan Purcell: Uh,
Dan Ockey: you know, for. A couple thousand dollars, that’s only gonna be maybe a hundred to 200, $300 a year.
Dan Purcell: Uhhuh.
Dan Ockey: worth it to you to pay a hundred to $300 a year for your wife’s security? And the answer to that question was yes.
Dan Purcell: Yeah, Uhhuh when you put it in that light. Yeah. Uh.
Dan Ockey: Yeah, absolutely. gonna do that then, then for her, he needs to have an amount of money as an adult. And so does she, that he can spend every month guilt free without having to ask permission on whatever he wants. He can save it. He can give it, he can spend it, [00:24:00] it doesn’t matter. He can flush it down the toilet and it wouldn’t matter. Uh, don’t do that. But he could and, and he needs
Dan Purcell: It is like his allowance, no questions asked. He can spend up to this amount, right? It gives him freedom. Uhhuh,
Dan Ockey: It gives him freedom to spend and she knows that, and then it’s his job. To keep that agreement, to not go above that amount of money. know there’s some of you listening who are like, well, I’ve done that. My spouse goes above that. That’s a separate issue. I’m just talking about, you know, this specific couple.
Dan Purcell: right?
Dan Ockey: for them, that was one of the issues that was overcome where we now have a system and communication and understanding around this, where we can now move forward together and forgive one another. And. a team. Do you think that affects intimacy in other relationships when you forgive and build trust? Oh my
Dan Purcell: Heck yeah, of course it does. Uhhuh, right?
Dan Ockey: Um, so it’s things like this our clients talk about continually, you know. we get two numbers focused, like you’ve paid off [00:25:00] X amount of debt, you saved this emergency fund, you’ve invested this amount. But the number one repeating thing we hear from our clients is, I’ve never felt stronger in my relationship.
Dan Purcell: Yes.
Dan Ockey: equal stronger relationships. And, that’s the message I hope people are walking away with, is if you want your relationship to get stronger. and improve in other areas. Maybe you’re learning about how to improve things in the bedroom and sexual intimacy. Improving your finances will help with that because it, ’cause it increases communication and trust and team and this feeling of unity in every other area of your relationship.
Dan Purcell: That’s a good point. As I work with couples about sexual intimacy, sometimes money metaphors help like, like this idea of money is a shared resource, how are we gonna spend it? Right? Or the idea of. anything that you have a limited resource of, of which I think it boils down to, you know, the number in your bank account and the money you have and time you can’t make more time, sexual intimacy falls into that category of a limited resource.
’cause we’re [00:26:00] limited on time and energy also. So, as a couple, how do you learn how to manage? a resource that’s shared between the two of you designed for your happiness and wellbeing. It sometimes it requires a lot of retraining, a lot of rethinking and, uh, new habits to implement as you help your couples.
I want to ask you, Dan, what are some of, maybe can you list two or three attitude shifts that you try to help people have mindset shifts that you think are fundamental we’ve covered a little bit, right? Like transparency, having a system together, but more deeper than that, is it like.
being frugal is okay or not okay or stingy or what are some mindset shifts that really work well with couples for many? Mm-hmm.
Dan Ockey: We’ve already talked about a few, like you’ve mentioned, right. Money’s a shared resource. There is no your money and my money unless we have agreed upon that.
Which, which most [00:27:00] couples should have money they can spend as an individual, but that’s agreed upon, right? As a whole, it’s a shared resource. Two, can learn money, it’s a skill
Dan Purcell: Uh huh.
Dan Ockey: getting help as part of money is normal and should be expected.
Dan Purcell: Uhhuh. Same with sex Uhhuh, right?
Dan Ockey: yeah, same with
Dan Purcell: Yep.
Dan Ockey: exactly,
Dan Purcell: Yep.
Dan Ockey: know. Yes, 100% with sex. Uh, these are the two areas people don’t get help when they struggle with them.
Right. Um, I think a couple more that just are really impactful, the power of should and how that can have over ourselves and so should, affect us in two ways. One, it’s the things I should be doing myself where
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
Dan Ockey: constantly I should be, um, you know, I should be better with money. or my partner should be doing this and they’re not. those deeply impact. The way we view ourselves and ultimately our behaviors and how we treat our partner. If they’re doing, if, if you’re thinking constantly, my partner should or shouldn’t be doing this thing, and they always are [00:28:00] doing that thing or not doing that thing, that’s just gonna build resentment, right?
And so what we gotta do with the shoulds is we need to get them out on paper. What are things that you think in your head about yourself or your partner that. you should be doing or they should be doing that, that you’re not, that you constantly are putting yourself in a shame cycle about where you feel bad because you’re not doing this thing you feel like you should be. And then two, what are things that you feel like you are doing that you shouldn’t be or your partner’s doing that they shouldn’t be, that you’re constantly judging them for or judging yourself for. And so it’s just helpful to take a piece of paper, write those things down, and
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
Dan Ockey: them. So I, here an example I. Should be better at not spending so much money.
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
Dan Ockey: and the way to reframe them is writing them in truth, right? So I spend more money than I would like to. I’m learning how to spend more intentionally. and I am a work in [00:29:00] progress. And so it takes the shame out of it and turns it into an action growth mindset. Uh, focus
Dan Purcell: Gotcha.
Dan Ockey: Does it makes me feel YI haven’t communicated that to them. We need to
Dan Purcell: uh.
Dan Ockey: a discussion about this. Um, things like that. And
Dan Purcell: That’s really good.
Dan Ockey: yeah, so the should and shouldn’t would be one. The second one that you mentioned that I love talking about is, is frugal versus cheap. And, Oftentimes with money, people feel like they need to be, you know, I need to spend as little money as possible to be good with money. And so they end up buying things that are on sale or a good deal just because it was a, a low price. That’s not. Good money management necessarily. what’s the right way as is to be frugal and being frugal is getting clear and intentional on what do you enjoy spending money on? And maybe it’s a lot of money, unquote, comparatively, but you can intentionally save and plan for that and go buy that [00:30:00] thing. As an example, I love Lululemon pants. Um, over,
Dan Purcell: the, so.
Dan Ockey: the years. Yeah. I, they’re not the cheapest pant out there. And especially when we were younger, I didn’t have as much money, but I said no to other things that I didn’t love as much, that didn’t cost as much per se. So I could say, heck yes to the things that I really actually loved and cared about. And that can create, you should encourage your partner find things that they love. Money can become this joyful thing where. We’re identifying the things we really care about and we’re encouraging and celebrating each other to find those things and to work towards them and celebrating each other when we get them.
And it’s like, sweet. You just, you know, my wife just bought a shoe rack and set it up. I didn’t even know, you know, she used her, her fund to do that. I didn’t even know it. All of a sudden my shoes were out in the garage. But for her, this is so important because now her entryway is cleared,
Dan Purcell: Uh.
Dan Ockey: she cared about.
And so, you know, I can celebrate that and I’m not stressed that she spent. [00:31:00] $80 to get this shoe rack because she saved for it. She planned for it, and now we’re on the same. I can just be happy and now everything’s more organized for me too. Anyway,
Dan Purcell: That is so good.
Dan Ockey: that I would, two additional mindset shifts. I think that could be really helpful for couples.
Dan Purcell: That is so good. All right. Let’s say you’re a couple listening to this episode. You’re like, you know what, maybe we could use a little bit of help. Where would you recommend they go? Or can you tell them a little bit about the services you offer?
Dan Ockey: A hundred percent. Um, Yeah. So I mean. This is what we do. The, one of the most powerful things you and your partner can do is sit down with a third party and put all your numbers on a piece of paper just as a, to get the conversation going. And that’s the first thing we do for our clients. And. Without, without them becoming clients yet, which is people who are interested in having, taking this next step. if you’re still needing to get your partner on board with that, we also have a free budgeting class. That can be a really helpful, you know, just to [00:32:00] listen to some more of the ways we view things.
Sharing this podcast with your partner is a good thing. there’s really, I think one thing I just drive home here is for money to really work in a marriage, has to be a team sport. Um. There’s different ways to approach that. And I’m not claiming our way is the only way to do that, but by and large, both people need to have some involvement, understanding, and agreement.
Otherwise, there will be resentment, there will be politicking, there will be stress, either on the person, on the part of the person who is doing all the management or the person who’s not, or both. And, you have to be a team in this. And so if you are willing as a team, as a partnership to take a next step, listen. Come watch our free budgeting class. Come sit down with one of our coaches. We’ll get all the numbers on paper. We’d love to work with you if you are already, but your partner’s not. Send this podcast. And listen to that. Listen to the budgeting class together. Those would be my recommendations of where to start.
Dan Purcell: Awesome. Great. And your website.
Dan Ockey: Our website is Sensei [00:33:00] Financial, C-E-N-T-S-E-I, financial, think, you know, karate Money Teacher, with the scent is the CENT at the beginning.
Dan Purcell: It’s very clever. Great. Thank you. Thanks, Dan.
Dan Ockey: thank you, Dan. Um, I don’t, I don’t know what your nicknames were in high school, otherwise I’d call you some of those ’cause we got a double Dan situation.
Dan Purcell: I hope you enjoyed this episode and see the connection between financial intimacy, like your ability and courage to talk about money in your relationship and sexual intimacy, your ability to talk about sexual things in your relationship too. Now, if you’d like a deeper dive in sexual intimacy in your marriage, you’re invited to apply to our Get Your Marriage On Program.
We only take a handful of applicants each month so that our program is small and focused. But this is a great opportunity to work with me and my team and we do a deep dive into all things intimacy in your relationship so that you and your spouse can get to your next level So much easier. So much better than what I had [00:34:00] to go through.
So that’s for you. You’ll find all those details at get Your Marriage on.com/program. And thank you for listening. Now it’s your turn to go get your marriage on. Okay.
