What if ADHD isn’t a bug in your marriage — but a feature?
In this episode of the Get Your Marriage On Podcast, I sit down with Kamden Hainsworth, an ADHD coach and host of the Busy Brained Saint, to unpack how ADHD uniquely impacts desire, intimacy, novelty, rejection sensitivity, and emotional regulation in marriage.
Kamden shares her mid-life burn out, late ADHD diagnosis, and how understanding her brain completely transformed her marriage and sex life. We explore why ADHD can amplify desire differences, why boredom feels unbearable in intimacy, how rejection sensitivity dysphoria shows up in sex, and how novelty can be a powerful connector (when done with trust and communication).
Whether you’re the ADHD partner or married to one, this conversation offers clarity, compassion, and practical insight into building a more playful, honest, and deeply connected sexual relationship.
Resources
- 101 Ways to Initiate Sex
- The Sexploration List
- Get Your Marriage On Coaching Program: https://getyourmarriageon.com/program/
- Men’s Only and Women’s Only Cohorts (starting in January): https://getyourmarriageon.com/events/
- Intimately Us & Just Between Us apps: https://getyourmarriageon.com/our-apps/
Guest
Kamden Hainsworth is an ADHD coach, educator, and advocate who helps individuals better understand themselves and their brains so they can thrive in every area of life—including faith, family, and relationships. Since 2019, she has coached one-on-one and in small group settings, guiding clients toward self-awareness, balance, and confidence through an ADHD-informed lens. Kamden is also the host of The Busy Brained Saint Podcast, where she blends faith, science, and personal experience to make sense of the beautifully busy ADHD mind.
Instagram:
Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.
Transcript
This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors or inaccuracies. For the most accurate and complete experience, we recommend listening to the full podcast episode.
Kamden: [00:00:00] an achiever with A DHD is a really interesting combination
Dan: Yeah.
Kamden: we can get a lot of things done, but we get so much done that we then can’t sustain it and we burn out and.
Dan: Yeah.
Kamden: At the time I had three kids, and all of a sudden I just felt like my body and brain broke.
Kamden: My kids like to joke that A DHD stands for attention deficit. Hey, donut. And that’s pretty much the essence of what we’re gonna talk about today, how A DHD, uh, affects your marital relationship, especially your sexual [00:01:00] relationship. The CDC in America says that about 6% of adults. Have diagnosed A DHD, but the actual number might be a lot higher than that because it is often undiagnosed if you’re in a marriage where either you or your spouse tend to, have hyper focus on one thing, like a lot of interest, and then lose interest, especially with sexual desire.
They’re like really into it sometimes, and then totally absent of desire. Other times, it could be a sign of a brain that’s in mode. My guest today is Camden. She is an expert on all things marriage and A DHD. She’s a fantastic guest. We’re gonna learn a lot together. We’re gonna talk about the superpowers of A DHD and how it can benefit a marriage such as the creativity that can come from that kind of a brain.
Also, talk about some of the liabilities such as the constant need for novelty. Hyper rejection sensitivity and [00:02:00] how A DHD can amplify other existing issues in the marriage. But overall, you’re going to hear about her journey, how she learned about A DHD herself, and how she’s used it to help and build a great sexual relationship with her spouse and be sure to stay to the end for her black belt sex tip.
Now, this is a special episode to me because anyone that knows me really well, is probably not surprised that. I myself was diagnosed with A-D-H-D-A year ago, and that diagnosis has changed my life for the good. So I hope whoever’s out there who’s like me or like my guest, Camden, in a sexual relationship that wants something great and better, This episode is for you.
Okay. Before we get started, let me tell you about two great events that we have coming up. First is Valentine’s Day. I’ve got it all planned for you. You can just check it off. All you need to do is go to get your marriage on.com/events, and you’re gonna see that we are hosting a getaway. This is where you can send your kids to grandma’s house or book a hotel room, and you join Emily and [00:03:00] I live.
As we walk you through a fun sexual practice that I promise you, no matter if you’re a newlywed or been married for 50, 60 years, you’re gonna learn something new and profound. It’s about transforming sex into love making. we’ve revamped our content. This is new for 2026. It’s gonna be a great experience for you and your spouse.
All those details are on our website. Like I, like I shared with you, and if you can’t attend live, you can register anyway and get a copy of the recordings, which are valid for 90 days thereafter. The second great thing I wanna tell you about is we are doing our first Ever Get Your Marriage on Cruise.
And we have a few spots left. This is, different than our in-person retreats that we do, which we’ve sold out of The cruise is gonna do a deeper focus on erotic play, getting deeper. Together, more intimate, more sexual freedom and play within the bounds of your marriage. And we’ll do a deep dive on that while we’re at sea.
We’re [00:04:00] jokingly calling. This is intimate c you know, spelled SEA and, it’s a sixth night Western Caribbean cruise. It’s gonna be fantastic. We sail out of Galveston, Texas in October. you’ll find those details also on our website. Get your marriage on.com/events. All right. Let’s get into this interview with Camden where we talk more about a DHD and sex.
Okay.
Dan: Hey Camden, welcome to the Get Your Marriage On Podcast. How are you today?
Kamden: So good, so happy to be here. Thanks for having me on, Dan.
Dan: Great. Hey, before we begin, we’re gonna talk about A DHD and how it impacts sexual relationships. But is there a story or a time that you can tell me about when you and your husband, maybe how the A DHD played out? And maybe it was a good thing because of what happened?
Kamden: Well, yeah, yeah, absolutely. So I am, I am like the higher desire partner in my marriage
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Kamden: I actually didn’t find out I had ADHD until I was 36.
Dan: All right. All [00:05:00] so adults onset or whatever they say, right? Uhhuh.
Kamden: yeah. Just that we don’t find out about our brain operating system until later.
Dan: Right. Uhhuh.
Kamden: And uh, I was married at 24
Dan: Uhhuh,
Kamden: and so I am like such a sucker for novelty.
Dan: uh.
Kamden: And some people would say impulsivity, but I just like spontaneity.
Dan: Uh
Kamden: And so I remember early on, we decided to go camping
Dan: mm-hmm.
Kamden: we’re like, let’s make love in the tent. But then that wasn’t.
Dan: Novel enough.
Kamden: enough. So I was like, no, there’s not very many people out here. Let’s, let’s see if we can go make love in the middle of the
Dan: Yeah. No.
Kamden: No, no. 10. No. It’s, it’s, it’s too, you know, it’s, it’s, it’s too private. And, so we did, we found a spot and we’re able to make love in the forest and so we kind of came up with this little, little song that now I’m gonna give myself away, but it was Making Love in the Forest, this little melody. And, it’s very public [00:06:00] now, but this, this inside joke that we can always tie to a really fun, spontaneous, playful, time that we had together.
Dan: Uhhuh.
Kamden: whether we’re with our kids or we’re with friends or whatever, we just, we just hum hum.
Dan: I love that. Uhhuh.
Kamden: yeah, it brings us back to a, a fun, carefree time.
Dan: That’s cool.
Kamden: Yeah.
Dan: So you’re 36 years old, diagnosed with A DHD. What was that like? That information, is that like a revelation? Like this explains so much
Kamden: Yeah,
Dan: Uhhuh.
Kamden: was. I, I had reached like burnout.
Dan: Yeah.
Kamden: working in entrepreneurship for about a year really, really intensely,
Dan: Uhhuh,
Kamden: and. If you follow the Enneagram at all, I’m an
Dan: yes.
Kamden: I’m,
Dan: All right. All Uhhuh Uhhuh.
Kamden: an achiever with A DHD is a really interesting combination
Dan: Yeah.
Kamden: we can get a lot of things done, but we get so much done that we then can’t sustain it and we burn out and.
Dan: Yeah.
Kamden: At the time I had three [00:07:00] kids, and all of a sudden I just felt like my body and brain broke.
Dan: Uhhuh
Kamden: It was I, I didn’t have words for it.
Dan: Uhhuh.
Kamden: I actually went to prayer and went to worship
Dan: Uhhuh,
Kamden: decided that is where I was gonna get a little bit of insight as to what on earth was going on. I was seeking peace,
Dan: right.
Kamden: and in an answer to my prayer. as day, and you have to remember, a DH ADHD was the thing from my mind,
Dan: Right.
Kamden: of my kids, my family
Dan: Uh.
Kamden: my business, all these things. It just. HD like, it’s just as clear as day in my mind’s eye, those four letters. and so I was like, what? I was a classroom teacher.
I had kids with a DHD. My, my daughter had been diagnosed. and I’ll tell you that she’s adopted and that’s important because there is a biological
Dan: There is
Kamden: have been,
Dan: Uhhuh,
Kamden: know, um, as important or as. Relevant at that point.
Dan: Mm-hmm.[00:08:00]
Kamden: And so I went home and I started to research about A DHD,
Dan: Uhhuh,
Kamden: life started making sense.
Dan: yeah.
Kamden: And so for me, at 36 with these three kids hitting burnout and then seeing myself. More clearly was this relief that I cannot describe. And that’s not everyone else’s experience per se.
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Kamden: people’s experience. They finally can, you know, put, put a point on what actually is happening. But it was mine. because I am that three personality tend to be more,
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Kamden: was like, all right, it’s go time. Like let’s, dive in, let’s figure out what this means. And
Dan: Went all in on the ADHD research. Right. In true. A ADHD person fashion.
Kamden: Yes, exactly. Hyper focus.
Dan: Yeah.
Kamden: gonna do all the things. And,
Dan: Uh.
Kamden: um, but yeah, and then I felt called to advocate, so I, I was lucky. I was lucky to be able to advocate for the thing that actually helps me [00:09:00] a ton in my family and my relationships a ton. Um, there was grief associated with some stuff too.
Like what would life have been
Dan: Yeah. Had I known this sooner, if I could get treatment sooner, right.
Kamden: In the nineties when I was growing up, it wouldn’t have been great. It wouldn’t have been, there wasn’t a whole ton of support. So once I kind of grappled with that and had acceptance with that, was more okay with it that my mom did amazing. My dad did amazing as much as they could. They were such great supports to me. and now I get the rest of my life with this additional information.
Dan: That’s good.
Kamden: Yeah.
Dan: So let’s talk about the A DHD brain and how it’s different than a, what do you call a normal brain,
Kamden: Sure. Yeah.
Dan: as if there’s such thing as a normal brain.
Kamden: yeah. Or yeah, neurotypical is what they say, but we’re like, what is typical? Really?
Dan: How do you define that? I guess if you look at then a large swath of the population, you create a bell curve, right? And you call the center port [00:10:00] normal or typical. A DHD has some various things that are unique about it. Let’s talk about that.
Kamden: Sure. And I, I would like to say too with that, that our society, especially in North America, is set up more for that typical brain.
Dan: Yeah.
Kamden: what I think also makes it very typical hunters and gatherers times, right? It was like, no, they’re the, they’re the hunter type. They, they go fulfill this role, but as we’re all needing to show up to like, work and doctor’s appointments
Dan: Uh huh. Follow schedule. Uhhuh?
Kamden: it makes it more typical in that respect too.
Dan: Yeah.
Kamden: Um. The prefrontal cortex of someone with a DHD, scientifically is considered underdeveloped.
Dan: Okay.
Kamden: Not my favorite
Dan: Uh.
Kamden: to say that, but essentially it is in its organization and how it is utilized and the pathways that it takes and the balance of, dopamine or other neurotransmitters.
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Kamden: All of that is regulated [00:11:00] very differently than what we would call a a t typical brain.
Dan: Gotcha.
Kamden: That prefrontal cortex is responsible for all of this higher level thinking and operating system and executive functioning. so that’s why you see, behaviors like being late sometimes, or forgetfulness or impulsive talking. You know, there’s no filter between the thinking and the talking or, being very fidgety. Uh, having to be on the go and on the move all the time. Difficulty pausing. That’s why. Things that appear very simple, like making a phone call to a doctor are extremely difficult for us because our body doesn’t regulate the step-by-step nature. It sees big picture, but it doesn’t give us the step-by-step nature as to how to fulfill that bigger picture.
Dan: Right.
Kamden: So we feel a lot of overwhelm, et cetera.
Dan: You see it gives you the big picture, but is there also the opposite extreme too, where all you see is the micro
Kamden: [00:12:00] Yeah.
Dan: and you kind of fixate on that and you miss the big picture too?
Kamden: So because of the dysregulation, especially if we’re thinking of emotions in particular, if there’s a trigger, if there’s any trauma, if there is a hyper focus on something that we’re really interested in, it becomes. difficult to number one, break away from that thing that’s very crunchy.
That transition away from something feels like death. It just
Dan: Yeah. It’s so expensive. Yes, Uhhuh.
Kamden: Yes. Precisely. Yeah. The, the cost is great. Mm-hmm. In addition to that, um, if, if a normal, if there, there’s normal trauma, okay. If we experience a trigger. The regulatory system in our body, in our nervous system, and a typical person would say like time to like start to regulate the body and ours does does that very, very differently. So on one [00:13:00] hand, that’s why you get like really amped up athletes and creative minds that are artists and can like throw like massive amounts of energy and passion into things.
Dan: Hmm.
Kamden: That’s also why it’s really difficult for us to pull away when we’ve been harmed or hurt or we don’t feel safe, or we feel like our trust has been betrayed. Because it feels equally as huge for us. And so it’s harder to see
Dan: Yeah. Yeah, I got So, what’s it like for the normal brain person to be married to an A DHD person?
Kamden: Yeah, that’s
Dan: Let’s.
Kamden: should get my
Dan: Yeah.
Kamden: here.
Dan: Yeah, exactly. Uhhuh, what would you say? It’s like being married to someone with a D. ADHD.
Kamden: just, it’s bliss. I mean, it’s,
Dan: Looking of course.
Kamden: oh. Yeah, it’s an interesting question. I, and well, [00:14:00] and I was gonna bring this book up if you, if you’re familiar with A DHD After Dark by a Ari Tuckman, he did a full survey and study based upon this particular situation, neurotypical and A DHD. So he didn’t do anything with um, all of his partnerships were one where one is and one
Dan: Got it. Is that pairing right? Okay.
Kamden: there’s actual research in that one, which is interesting. But what would my husband say? Yeah, you gotta learn some flexibility really fast.
Dan: Uhhuh.
Kamden: If you’re married to someone with a DHD, rigidity is a sure way to create contention, um, and misunderstanding. I would say that’s on the negative side.
We, we can keep going there. I would also say. He, he would say it’s, it’s really exciting that we, we pull people in outside of their comfort zone and we can show them that they’re safe, outside of their zone of tolerance,
Dan: Uh
Kamden: that there’s freedom and [00:15:00] joyfulness and spontaneity and flexibility. our daughters, two of our daughters also have a DHD, and so I think that plays into all of this as
Dan: mm-hmm.
Kamden: parenting kids with A DHD and being parents together as partners. Um, I know that’s not what we’re talking about today, but I, I think that there’s a really beautiful yin to the yang a neurotypical and A-A-D-H-D or neurodivergent brain. and when you can hold onto yourself
Dan: Huh.
Kamden: and allow your partner to hold onto themselves and then know how to come together with that beautiful harmony, it, it’s magical. It can be vibrant and beautiful. Learning how to get there. And yes, it is, it’s, it is a quest of a lifetime and I believe that, the more that we can come to know and, and be less delusional about who we are as people, as individuals, don’t wanna [00:16:00] say faster the progress, but the deeper the growth and the more patience we have with each other. That’s kind of a deep answer.
Dan: I like that.
Kamden: answers, but
Dan: like that answer. That’s good. So Camden, I, see this in my Facebook group sometimes, and people tell me like, oh, my wife has a DHD. We’re in the middle of making love, and she talks about holiday plans, something completely unrelated.
It’s like, if only she didn’t have a DHD, we’d have a better sex life.
Kamden: Yeah,
Dan: What do you think about that?
Kamden: so really. Relatable and funny idea, not, not necessarily even for me, but even with me. think as women, we also just have a lot on our plate.
Dan: Oh yeah.
Kamden: sometimes it’s hard to like differentiate. It’s not so much of an on off switch, right?
Dan: Right, right.
Kamden: that glow on back and forth, the sunrise, sunset effect. So yeah, maybe the sun’s barely coming out and she’s like, oh shoot. [00:17:00] Um, what would I say to that? I would say, well, in this book he talks about that. He talks about that, even women with A DHD, they are more likely than men with a DHD to have wandering thoughts during sex.
Dan: Right.
Kamden: so, yes, research points to that.
Dan: Yes.
Kamden: Um,
Dan: it happens anyway. of the two sexes, generally speaking,
Kamden: speaking.
Dan: minds will wander more. Is it just that?
Kamden: of,
Dan: Yeah.
Kamden: part of the inattentive side of A DHD. So there’s three different, there’s a DH, adhd, hyperactive, A DH, adhd, inattentive, A DH, ADHD combined. generally speaking, once again, nuanced women tend to have more of the inattentive. That’s why we weren’t caught when we
Dan: In elementary school, right.
Kamden: off the walls.
Right. So it would make sense that. This would come up in your Facebook group for sure. Are you
Dan: Uh.
Kamden: about solutions or, or, I’m, I’m here to like say, yeah,
Dan: I’m just curious that I, this is my hypothesis is A DHD might amplify [00:18:00] problems, but it doesn’t mean that’s the cause of the problem, like
Kamden: no, not at all. Um.
Dan: that’s
Kamden: It’s not a curse. it certainly has its, distractions and, and it can have its downsides. But just like anything else, when we get to know that that’s a part of our existence, we no longer have to fear it or have shame around it. We just say hello to it when it pops up,
Dan: Uh,
Kamden: then we can decide what we’re gonna do with that. I usually tell my clients it’s like you just kind of place a red flag.
Dan: Uhhuh.
Kamden: even extreme for here, but you just kind of place it and say, oh, I did that thing again. What do I want to do here?
Dan: Right.
Kamden: And a lot of the time when we pre decide. our spouse or with
Dan: Uhhuh
Kamden: what we’re gonna do in those situations, then we can, we don’t have to worry about the shame and the embarrassment and the guilt.
Right.
Dan: Uhhuh.
Kamden: get back on track. but at the same time, can’t that wandering brain also play into more play
Dan: Oh yeah. Uhhuh.[00:19:00]
Kamden: and fun and just honesty, like, Nope, this isn’t working,
Dan: Yeah.
Kamden: for me.
Dan: Uhhuh
Kamden: I think it’s when trying to take care of our partner’s emotions
Dan: insects, especially in sex. Yes.
Kamden: While we’re doing it, we, when we can trust that they can take whatever need to express.
Dan: Uh.
Kamden: sorry, I’m so distracted right now. Can we, for me, often it’s can we please turn on a soundtrack can we do something else? I, I have to like have something to distract the rambunctious part of my brain so that I can be present with you.
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Kamden: And honestly, that’s when I’m writing newsletters, that’s when I’m, when I’m doing a lot of things that. Require all of my attention. so I think that that’s just like a beautiful starting place of communication of how to make this work better.
Dan: That’s good. That’s good. what about some other typical problems that couples face and how A DHD kind of impacts that? Let’s say, one person just. [00:20:00] Takes it really hard when they feel rejected. What? Can you elaborate on that a little more?
Kamden: Yeah. In particular, if that person has a DHD, there is something called rejection sensitivity
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Kamden: and Dobson is one of the doctors that coined the term rejection sensitive dysphoria
Dan: Okay. Mm-hmm.
Kamden: You might hear about that. And essentially. Nobody likes to feel rejected. Okay? It’s not,
Dan: Uh,
Kamden: a lovely, heartwarming feeling,
Dan: uh,
Kamden: but if you can take that and multiply it by 10,000,
Dan: Uhhuh.
Kamden: This experience for people with A DHD is head to toe, nauseating, somatically sick, sickening,
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Kamden: like you’ve been punched in the gut or the groin.
Dan: Yeah.
Kamden: just feels Our body wants to keep us as far away from [00:21:00] that feeling as possible
Dan: Right, right.
Kamden: and in intimacy and in sex, what are we,
Dan: Vulnerable.
Kamden: for the most vulnerable situation as possible.
Dan: Yeah. Uh.
Kamden: And everything leading up to that as well. If, if we are, you know, turning on the flame early, okay. As we should please.
Dan: Uh
Kamden: Okay. If we’re doing that, then we know what that might mean, it’s asking us to be vulnerable. All of these defenses will start to come up, and a lot of the time it’s subconscious.
If you don’t know that this is part of your A DHD, you’re gonna think that you’re just broken
Dan: mm-hmm.
Kamden: or that you have this. Adverse reaction to intimacy and sex when really it could be a symptom of your A DHD that can be managed and that is completely separate from your personality, from your worth. It is literally how your brain is wired to keep you safe, uh, [00:22:00] or it thinks it’s keeping you safe.
Okay, perceived threat. That is something that I don’t know if anyone who doesn’t have a DH ADHD could experience
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Kamden: way that we have. and it is very, very real.
Dan: Gotcha.
Kamden: Mm-hmm.
Dan: Great. Let’s talk about the crave for novelty in the A DHD brain
Kamden: Oh man.
Dan: when it comes to sex. Specifically
Kamden: of course. Well, you know, you have your, your typical way of showing up intimately and,
Dan: Uhhuh.
Kamden: go through the same motions and you know, we call this a step touch, right?
Dan: Yeah. Yeah.
Kamden: basic move,
Dan: Uhhuh.
Kamden: step touch and back and forth.
Dan: Yep.
Kamden: Um, that we know it’s predictable. There’s some kind of safety in that because of what we just said,
Dan: Right.
Kamden: the RSD, because of it’s like predictable. Um, it’s manageable, it’s expected, and then it’s done
Dan: Uh.
Kamden: And that part can, for people that, don’t want more depth in, in intimacy and sex, that [00:23:00] might feel just fine with a DHD until it’s not anymore.
Dan: Right?
Kamden: Until they now become so bored by it that it no longer takes any priority.
Dan: Gotcha. So the pendulum swings to their side almost Uhhuh.
Kamden: Yeah, because this diagnosis, also points to an interest driven brain.
Dan: Yes.
Kamden: We don’t do anything or engage in anything that isn’t interesting to us.
Dan: Right.
Kamden: Boredom is death. It feels
Dan: Uh,
Kamden: people get labeled as lazy a lot of the time, but I, I want to say very clearly, our brain does not function when boredom is the fuel.
Dan: yes. It won’t, no.
Kamden: of my work as an A DHD coach is to help people how to function and tolerate boredom because right at the end of boredom is genius. Is creativity is novelty is where we find [00:24:00] our hyperfocus. If we can tolerate it for just long enough, we will then find our genius.
Dan: Okay.
Kamden: And so, um, but out of box programming, this is what I’m talking about, a ADHD out of box programming. It will work until it’s not. And in, in sexuality with novelty, that’s how we can shake things up a little bit,
Dan: Uhhuh,
Kamden: Trust obviously has to be a big part of this.
Dan: right.
Kamden: has to be a big part of this communication. All the things that you teach on your podcast, and this is where you’re gonna do some really fun things. this is like you talked about the partnership before. So if you have a higher desire partner with A DHD, you can expect to. a lot of fun. but also if, if your neurotypical partner doesn’t have a DHD, now you’re pushing two things. Okay. Lower desire as well as they don’t have the same need for novelty.
Dan: Yeah,
Kamden: And so that dissonance can maybe sometimes feel very, very challenging.
Dan: right?
Kamden: and that’s [00:25:00] okay.
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Kamden: that’s marriage, but it might help to understand. So do you want examples of novelty? You, you
Dan: Yeah, yeah,
Kamden: this all the
Dan: yeah.
Kamden: so.
Dan: us some examples.
Kamden: I mean, you know, all these things, music and fragrances and, toys and, uh, Hey, I downloaded your, um, 101.
What is it?
Dan: I have two of them, like creative ways to initiate sex as.
Kamden: it initiation? I think it may have been that. Yeah. so I downloaded the, those were so fun to read through with my husband. we read through them in the line at Disneyland. Uh, we decided to, this is novelty, to not tell our kids. I’m from San Diego. We got babysitters, my family members,
Dan: Uh,
Kamden: off
Dan: Uhhuh.
Kamden: we had
Dan: So it’s just the two of you at Disneyland.
Kamden: just the two of
Dan: Uhhuh,
Kamden: Okay. And, the second half of the day I put lingerie on underneath
Dan: Uhhuh,
Kamden: clothes
Dan: Uhhuh
Kamden: he knew it.
Dan: Uhhuh,
Kamden: I just looked like
Dan: but no one else knew it. Uhhuh?
Kamden: No one else knew It. [00:26:00] There’s the novelty, there’s the fun, there’s
Dan: Yeah. Uh.
Kamden: it’s the spontaneity of doing something like that. the spicing it up a little bit.
It’s
Dan: Yeah.
Kamden: the things and, and lying for the haunted mansion together. Right?
Dan: uh.
Kamden: It’s none of these things. My husband would never, you know, he, he’s, it’s just not his way. But was he benefiting? Was it still fun? Was it still. Connecting. It was probably, we’ve been to Sweden, we’ve been to Peru, we’ve done lots of things.
But that one day at Disneyland, because it was so intentional on following the playfulness, was so good for us. And thankfully, it’s not just good for us, it’s for for a lot of people. we’ve done a lot of work as well to have that trust in our relationship. He’s grown a great deal. I’ve grown a great deal.
The communication, the understanding of each other is. essential to this.
Dan: That’s great.
Kamden: I’m, and I’m just listing kind of like the, the normal ones. There’s, so much [00:27:00] more. you know, I’m kind of being superficial with a lot of these things, but keep listening to his podcast. He has
Dan: That’s great. That’s good. Yeah. I believe novelty is really important because you wanna keep your marriage vital
Kamden: Yeah.
Dan: over the long haul. I think it is a mistake though, I think in the A DHD brain sometimes I’ve seen. An intense hyper focus on the thing they’re not getting.
Kamden: Oh my gosh. Absolutely.
Dan: you talk on that a little bit?
Kamden: Absolutely.
Dan: Like, as you think, let me give you a story. Uh, like a person I’ve coached just really wants oral sex as part of their marriage.
Kamden: a lot.
Dan: Yeah. She’s not into that, but it’s like. the thing he can’t have now becomes almost obsessive. Like it’s, it’s the measure of the marriage now. It’s the measure of their intimacy’s.
The, it is like, it becomes a yardstick for everything, but it’s really difficult to like zoom out of that sometimes when you’re in it.
Kamden: it sure is. [00:28:00] Yeah. I’m gonna speak through the context of a d adhd. And it’s probably gonna be not much different than what you’re saying, but with a, with an A DHD heart here, that when we want something, it is very difficult to break away from it.
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Kamden: I have a 4-year-old,
Dan: Uh.
Kamden: and I was just picking her up from, uh, preschool today, and her teacher said, what do you do with her big feelings? And when we think about the underdevelopment at the prefrontal cortex,
Dan: Uh
Kamden: and the inability, uh, the dysregulation,
Dan: uh.
Kamden: still ability, but it takes some coaching and patience,
Dan: Yep.
Kamden: Um, to regulate prioritize.
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Kamden: This then catastrophized
Dan: Right. Yes. Uhhuh,
Kamden: like you’re saying, becomes everything. And that absolutely makes sense with an A DHD brain because now the entire future of his life, as he knew it, there’s some grief attached to it.
There’s some [00:29:00] extreme worry and concern and uh, maybe even disillusionment of what he thought marriage would be
Dan: uh.
Kamden: and having to catch up. With that is like going at the speed of light of where his brain is taking him.
Dan: Uhhuh.
Kamden: I think you said it was a guy. Um, it’s taking him just so far down there when really we’re still working here at like, I wanted to be the line leader,
Dan: Uhhuh.
Kamden: right?
Dan: Uhhuh.
Kamden: it’s still very, very basic, but it feels huge.
Dan: Right.
Kamden: huge, huge. But just like my 4-year-old, it’s the line leader.
Dan: Yeah.
Kamden: be okay. You still have a lot of marriage left, and if you’re still focused on the line leader, you’re not gonna partake in ABCs and the one two threes and all these things that are gonna make you a more dynamic leader.
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Kamden: we have dynamic leaders and people we can trust and people we can love on, [00:30:00] guess what ends up happening? Progress.
Dan: Yeah.
Kamden: And maybe that progress is gonna be a million times better than anything you would get in your mind as oral sex. And maybe it will lead to that one day, but you’re now not as interested in that because you’ve gotten a hold of yourself. You realize, okay, I don’t have to be the line leader today
Dan: Uh,
Kamden: because I’m so much more
Dan: then
Kamden: leader in this relationship. Sorry. There was, and that’s one of an a ADHD thing, is we will just have parallels till we’re blue in the face.
Dan: yeah.
Kamden: Sorry. Yeah.
Dan: That’s good. That’s a great parallel too. Very good. What if you’re the lower desire spouse with A DHD, how does that amplify common problems that couples typically face in their marriage?
Kamden: Yeah. I’m really glad that you brought that up because just ’cause we have ADHD doesn’t automatically mean we’re like always the higher desire or like.
Dan: Right.
Kamden: The
Dan: Wanna have sex on the roof or whatever, right.
Kamden: all the time. in fact, a lot of time in my clientele, I will [00:31:00] find that women, in their fifties, 45 to fifties and and older are oftentimes the lower desire partner and have a DHD
Dan: Uhhuh,
Kamden: sexuality in general.
Dan: right?
Kamden: So just understanding their own sexuality their own worthiness and their own arousal is a problem. It’s a big challenge. Not a problem, but it’s a challenge for them. then oftentimes, if they have a partner who doesn’t have a DHD, who’s, A higher desire, we’ll just say, and is, is asking for more sex than they are comfortable with.
Dan: Uh,
Kamden: will end up having that conversation as to how can I just, how can I help him to understand or, what do I do,
Dan: right. Mm-hmm.
Kamden: Because for many of them, they could fall into people pleasing tendencies. And then what happens is resentment builds up. And they want to distance themselves and they’re buffering and they’re avoidant, and then it just, they’re not avoiding only in [00:32:00] sex.
Now they’re avoidant in all their relationship with their, their partner.
Dan: Right.
Kamden: they’re unwilling to, face that hard confrontation because of what we were talking about with rejection sensitivity. That’s gonna feel bad. And so they end up living out of alignment with who they are, and then they end up not knowing who they are because. They don’t feel like that person has a voice, lower desire isn’t okay. And when we just learn that it’s once again just another. Programming
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Kamden: And that low desire doesn’t mean no desire
Dan: Uhhuh,
Kamden: well in, you know, menopause, perimenopause.
That happens a lot with the clients. I, I also work with,
Dan: right?
Kamden: that can be disturbing and, and frustrating in a And even if you’re in your early twenties and you’re listening to this or whatever it is, if you are the lower desire with a DHD, there’s no problem.
Dan: Uhhuh.
Kamden: It’s, it’s not a problem. Once again, like we’ve been saying, there are [00:33:00] so many workarounds. When you understand things about yourself, where is your fear? Where is your arousal? Have you, have you learned about what is, you know, arousing for you and what your desired intimacy is, and how you like to be seen and talked to and touched?
Have you even learned that about yourself yet, when you can bring those things to your partner, to your spouse? It’s gonna be a much more educated experience. Last thing, we think of a lower desire with A DHD,
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Kamden: and the goal is sex.
Dan: Uhhuh.
Kamden: Okay, so number one, interest-driven brain. We’ve already talked about that.
Dan: Yeah. Yeah,
Kamden: driven brain. When there’s no interest, we have to create interest.
Dan: right.
Kamden: we create interest by gamifying,
Dan: Uhhuh, uh
Kamden: interest by a slow burn. We create interest by, connection in other ways. So that foreplay plays out for a lot longer and is a lot more [00:34:00] necessary, not just for the lower desire, but also for the A DHD brain that has to have a little bit of desire.
We’re
Dan: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right.
Kamden: So it all plays into it. the more that you understand your own flavor of A DHD, the greater you’re gonna understand desire, intimacy,
Dan: That’s good. So again, it comes back to. acceptance is vitamin A, as I like to say. Right?
Kamden: Oh,
Dan: Right. Accept it. Like, which, like ties into being more honest with yourself there. And if you find yourself like just accommodating your spouse to make him happy or her happy
Kamden: habit
Dan: or just, yeah, or just, avoiding like this is a warning that you probably need to step into a little more honesty.
Kamden: to the grocery store.
Dan: Exactly right. Right, right.
Kamden: Yeah.
Dan: it could also be that you have low interest in sex because frankly, the kind of sex you’re having isn’t fulfilling. You might need to bring that more honest to the table too.
Like, and I’m not talking about sex positions or behavior. [00:35:00] I, I mean it might be that, but it’s like the meanings tied to it aren’t meanings that interest you. If it’s all about just checking off a box, that’s not gonna be, if it’s tied to boredom, it’s not gonna interest you either. So You might just be having bad sex time to start having good sex.
Kamden: there’s so many more options
Dan: Right?
Kamden: what your high desire is offering you.
Dan: Yes, exactly.
Kamden: don’t be afraid to go read another recipe book.
Dan: Yeah.
Kamden: be afraid to take a look at other options that could be very arousing and exciting to you. Okay. There. And I think a lot of that comes from, you know, even if you’re having to overcome some past thoughts about what makes you a good girl or a good boy, or you know, whatever it might be, you’re gonna have to overcome some of that.
But that’s the life work,
Dan: Yeah. Right, right, right. I’ve never met a couple who have a great sex life, who are also not pushing themselves as an individual to grow in some area or another growth, [00:36:00] and that aeros energy.
Kamden: Yeah. I love
Dan: Hand in hand, they go together.
Kamden: that’s right. Yep.
Dan: Camden, one thing I’ve really appreciated about this conversation is I’m learning that A DHD doesn’t have to be like a bug. It can be a feature. There can be tremendous amount of strength and goodness and power that comes from being married to someone or if yourself as the A DHD partner in the marriage, especially when it comes to the sexual relationship.
Any other thoughts as we close about this very idea of how it doesn’t have to be a weakness, it can be a strength, or how you’ve seen it in your own marriage or other marriages, how it’s become a strength?
Kamden: whenever
Dan: Uh.
Kamden: willing to look at yourself, honestly and truthfully. You’re going to progress. Um, and so there are some people with A DHD who will deny how the a d ADHD is impacting them for the rest of their life.
Dan: Uhhuh.
Kamden: And so I can’t help them,
Dan: Right,
Kamden: They, they
Dan: right.
Kamden: themself. But as soon as you [00:37:00] are willing to hold onto your own diagnosis, um, and have, have a partner who understands and is willing to put time into seeing their A DHD as the way that their brain works, as their out of box programming and not as like a character flaw or a moral failing or anything like that, then what is gonna happen next is progress. The same thing for the non A DH ADHD partner. there has to be full acceptance on both sides.
Dan: Right.
Kamden: acceptance does not mean excuse. Okay? It means
Dan: Uh.
Kamden: that we are now explaining what is happening within our body so that we can decide if we want to stay here or if we want to morph it or work on making something else work. And in finding out about my own A DHD. My, I’ve always been into personal development, but my progress as a person, as a mother, as a, as a professional, as somebody serving in my church, as a community member, as, as, as all these things
Dan: Uh.
Kamden: [00:38:00] has. in all the ways, not necessarily because of my A DHD, but now I understand myself and when we understand ourself, we show up true. We show up more honest, we show up more willing and confident, more loving, and more open and less defensive Then I get to really hone in on my natural skills and talents, and I’m able to be less distracted by others’ perception of me if I’m running a little bit behind or if maybe I have more put my foot in my mouth.
Moments. There’s more forgiveness and kindness and compassion for, for myself and you know, my loved ones and my clients in that position. That’s good for everyone. That’s absolutely good for everyone. once again, going back to that yin yang idea, when we are holding ourself so confidently and honestly [00:39:00] someone else who trusts us to do that, and they do that for themself. it’s the most liberating, incredible experience, in sex and intimacy in all the conversations and communion that happens in the middle as well.
Dan: Love that. That is so good. That’s great. What a great uplifting message. I hope everyone listening to that walks away from this, like, there’s nothing unsolvable, there’s nothing we can’t overcome here. There’s, there’s goodness to be had.
Kamden: Yeah. And the more honest that we are, with ourself about that, the quicker or the more deep or the more, substantial, fulfilling, I guess is the word I’m looking for, the more fulfilling, our relationships will be. B.
Dan: That’s so good. Great. All right. We’re gonna switch gears a little bit before we leave. I studied martial arts for a lot of years, and, the idea that black belt is no much different [00:40:00] than just the same fundamentals you do as, you know, a white belt. It’s just a lot more refined. It’s it’s next level. It’s the same move, but it’s, it’s very much more refined.
And I, I like.
Kamden: we’re going. I see where we’re going
Dan: Yeah. Yeah. So I, I like this idea with black belt sex tips. And this is why I ask some of my guests for their black belt sex tip. And it might be a technique, it might be, uh, like an idea like go to Disneyland with lingerie. Those are are all great black belt sex tips. But I want to hear what your black belt sex tip would be.
Kamden: every two or three years I get together with a group of 10 of my best friends
Dan: Uhhuh. Uh.
Kamden: college, and it’s all of us women, and we all happen to be married with kids. And I brought this one up five or six years ago and they gasped. And I was like, why are you gasping? So I’m only sharing it, not because I don’t think it’s normal, but because I thought it was normal, but they didn’t consider it.
Dan: Uh.
Kamden: And that’s going to get waxed. Yeah. Go get [00:41:00] waxed. If you’re a guy or a girl, go get waxed. It, it ups the sensory, your, your nerve endings are so much. More
Dan: Alive. Yep. Uhhuh,
Kamden: creates a whole different sensation and experience and sexual intimacy. So absolutely. It shouldn’t be a, a weird thing when I got married, I didn’t even consider doing that,
Dan: uh.
Kamden: so it became something different.
Now, like my sisters and stuff, they’re like, yeah, that’s a normal thing. I do wonder if like a lot of women, especially more conservative women, have never done that. And I would say, go to a professional, please.
Dan: Uhhuh.
Kamden: You don’t want a million ingrown hairs. Um, but it, it is wonderful. It’s wonderful for everyone involved.
Dan: Great. Love it. Love it. Great tip. Thank you. Thank you.
Kamden: Yeah.
Dan: So where can people go to learn more about you, your A DHD coaching and your podcast and things like that?
Kamden: Of course, Camden adhd coaching.com is my website. There you can access everything. I am the host of [00:42:00] the Busy Brained Saint, which is the a d ADHD podcast with Faith in the center, it’s really joyful and we talk a lot about A DHD, through the context of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. you can find me on Instagram. At the Busy Brain Saint and Camden adhd.
Dan: Great. Thank you.
Kamden: Thank you so much fun today.
Thank you again for listening. I hope this episode’s been meaningful for you. Even if you don’t, you know, identify with having all of the symptoms that she talked about with A DHD, but the principles are about learning how to communicate really well together, pushing yourself to grow as a couple. I haven’t met a couple who has a thriving sexual relationship that’s not really pushing themselves in one way or another to grow either personally or as a couple.
And that’s why I invite you to check out all of the resources we have at Get Your Marriage On. I have a very special resource I wanted to save to the end to tell you about. We have a program that we call Next Level. It’s for couples and it’s a coaching [00:43:00] program coupled with a community, coupled with a really in-depth course on how to.
Build more intimacy and a thriving sexual relationship in your marriage, and all those details are on our website. Get your marriage on.com/program and for listeners of this podcast, we’re giving you a 30 days free access so you can check out the whole program. You can even get free coaching from our expert coaches and apply these things in your marriage and see what benefits it gives you.
All free for 30 days. So that’s get your marriage on.com/program. And we have a lot of fun bonuses too when you sign up. So be sure not to miss that. Again, thank you for listening. Go share this podcast with your married friends. I promise, I’ll thank you for life. And now it’s your turn to go get your marriage on. [00:44:00] [00:45:00]
