Have you ever wondered why you’re always the one initiating sex?
Or perhaps you’re the spouse who feels responsible for keeping things safe, setting boundaries, or wondering whether marriage should really be this focused on sex.
It’s easy to assume this difference means something is wrong with you, your spouse, or your relationship. But what if both perspectives are important?
In this episode, I talk with Dr. Roy Myers, author of Playful Practice: Exploring God’s Love and Christian Sexuality. Roy interviewed long-term couples about the intersection of spirituality, sensuality, and God’s love. He found that one spouse often brings more adventure, playfulness, or new ideas to the sexual relationship, while the other brings more caution, spirituality, or safety.
Those differences can create a frustrating tug-of-war. The spouse who initiates may wonder, “Why is this always my job?” while the other wonders, “Why am I always the one keeping us on the rails?”
But neither spouse is necessarily the problem. Roy explains how couples can stop working against each other and begin seeing what each person’s perspective contributes to the relationship.
We also talk about why many long-married couples don’t actually have a communication problem. They already know what their spouse is saying—they simply don’t like what they’re hearing. At that point, the challenge becomes learning how to love someone who is genuinely different from you.
In this episode, we discuss:
- Why spirituality and sensuality belong together
- How shame can develop around being the spouse who wants more
- Why sexual tension may be an opportunity for growth
- How curiosity can make difficult conversations feel safer
- What Roy means when he tells couples to “build a sex room”
- Why playfulness matters in Christian marriage
- Three practical ways to make space for intimacy
If you’ve felt discouraged by the differences in your sexual relationship, I hope this conversation helps you see them differently. As the late Dr. David Schnarch used to say, marriage is a “people-growing machine.” The tension between you may not be something you need to eliminate—it may be showing both of you where there’s room to grow.
Resources
- Learn more about Dr. Roy Myers and his work at ChristianSexuality.net
- Learn about Roy’s book, Playful Practice: Exploring God’s Love and Christian Sexuality, on his website
- Join the free Sextember challenge in the Intimately Us app
- Learn more about our Couples Retreat
Guest: Dr. Roy M. Myers
Dr. Myers is a practical theologian, spiritual care educator, and chaplain. He has advanced degrees in practical moral theology and spiritual care assessments, and about 33 years of ministry experience, mostly as a military chaplain. He currently serves as the director of a Clinical Pastoral Education program and as an adjunct professor of theology and chaplaincy.
Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.
