Today I want to talk to those who are in a marriage where sex pretty good but maybe a little monotonous at times. Maybe it feels like it’s the same old, same old. You wanna kind of spice it up, but then there’s other factors involved, including feeling tired. Perhaps it feels like maybe sex is good enough, but you’d really like get to the next great level.
This is also an episode for those where you feel like you’re really not into it, but you do sex anyway because you know it’s good for your marriage or because your spouse wants it. And also for those who like sex, but they kind of sense their spouse is mostly just going through the motions for you.
This episode is all about developing our eroticism (and no it’s not a dirty word!).
If you’d like some more guidance in developing your eroticism, book a call with me or check out our program!
Referenced in the episode:
Podcast episode with Francie Winslow: “Why Christians Should Be Having the Best Sex” (Episode 178)
Podcast episode with Danielle Savory: “Blowjobs Aren’t Just For Husbands” (Episode 137)
Transcript
Episode 236
Have you ever decided to have sex with your spouse, even though you didn’t feel up to it? Or sensed your spouse isn’t really into it but is going through the motions for you anyway?
Let me tell you about Josh and Sarah.
The hotel room door clicked shut behind Josh and Sarah. After eleven years of marriage, four kids, and countless rain checks on romance, they’d finally escaped for a night away to celebrate their wedding anniversary. The decorative pillows that Sarah would normally arrange just so at home were already scattered on the floor. Outside their window, the lights of an unfamiliar yet charming town twinkled with possibility.
“We made it,” Josh exhaled, dropping their overnight bag. The words hung between them, heavy with unspoken expectations. This felt like a familiar pattern in their relationship.
Sarah’s phone buzzed. Another text from the babysitter. “Everything’s fine,” she announced, but her mind was still back home, mentally checking off the instructions she’d left taped to the refrigerator. This babysitter wasn’t her first choice, but hoped things would work out anyway, at least for a weekend.
They’d both pulled extra shifts this week to make tonight happen. Sarah’s shoulders ached from tension. Josh’s eyes were rimmed with fatigue. But it was their anniversary. In a hotel. In a charming town. Just the two of them. And the calendar date that seemed to whisper: “This is when couples should have sex.”
Throughout the evening, Sarah felt the familiar pressure building, just like it usually does. If she said yes to sex despite her exhaustion, wouldn’t she be betraying her own needs? But if she suggested they skip sex and just sleep instead, on this rare night away together, wouldn’t that hurt Josh, make him feel unwanted?
Josh was thinking too – wondering if he should or should not initiate sex or if that would just add more pressure to an already stressful day. He didn’t want Sarah to think he wasn’t attracted to her. He didn’t want to let her down. But he also didn’t want to be another obligation on her checklist, and hated it when they had sex that felt kinda like checking something off the list.
So what do you think happened next?
I’ll spoil it for you:
They had sex anyway, going through the familiar motions like actors who’d forgotten why they loved the play in the first place. Afterwards, drifting off to sleep, they lay side by side, physically close but emotionally miles apart, both silently wondering: Is this what anniversary nights are supposed to feel like? What happened to our sex life? Why was it so routine and predictable? Where had that spark gone?
Today, I want to help you understand how bringing true eroticism into your marriage can transform routine, predictable sex into something that makes you both feel truly alive.
Good sexual experiences are not just physical. They’re highly erotic too. As Dr. Stephen Snyder puts it in his book, Love Worth Making, great sexual experiences are not formulaic, but too many couples approach it like it is. The formula they’re after is “FRICTION + FANTASY = SEX”.
Some couples I work with trying to improve their sex life treat each other like a lawn mower – wondering where is that button I press to prime the engine and that darn cord I yank to get this thing started? I suppose you could do sex that way, but feeling treated like a piece of machinery, step by step being prodded and touched so that you hopefully orgasm – often isn’t great sex – not something you WANT to participate in. It doesn’t feel like playful, adult fun.
The key is to make sex highly erotic. Erotic is one of those words that most of us get wrong or feel dirty about. You might be conjuring up Las Vegas billboards or smutty novels at the bookstore when you hear “erotic.”
But true eroticism is definitely not dirty. The root word for “erotic” is from the Greek word, “Eros,” which literally means “sensual or passionate love.” The Greek philosopher Plato went on to expand the concept of Eros beyond the sexual to be the life force – the thing that puts a pep in your step, a smile on your face, and makes life worth living. In short, “Eros” is that feeling you get when you “come alive.”
What makes you feel truly alive?
I experienced this Eros energy at its peak just a few weeks ago at our in-person couples retreat. As our final session wrapped up on Saturday night, I stood back and took in the scene – 17 couples laughing, exchanging contact information, capturing photos together, and making plans to stay connected. The energy in that room was electric. After four days of vulnerable work building deeper intimate connections in their marriages, you could literally see the transformation in their faces, their body language, their interactions.
This same alive feeling hits me when I’m standing at the edge of a mountain overlook. When I’m pushing through that last mile of a challenging run. When I’m fully present playing an impromptu board game with my kids. When I’m recording this podcast. When I witness a breakthrough moment with a couple during coaching.
Dr. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, who pioneered research on what he called the “Flow State,” described it perfectly: “The best moments usually occur if a person’s body or mind is stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to accomplish something difficult and worthwhile.”
Sexual eroticism, at its core, is tapping into this same creative life force and intentionally channeling it into the sexual dimension of your relationship. When this happens, sex transcends mere physical friction. You’re playing together in a creative dimension that infuses new vitality into your marriage.
I believe every single one of us has the capacity for sexual eroticism – for bringing that Eros energy into our relationships. But let’s be honest: we let way too many things block this natural flow.
Ironically, one of the biggest barriers to experiencing this erotic play is being too fixated on goals and outcomes, complicating the process.
A while ago, I met with a wonderful couple for their first coaching session. Like many of us, they’re in the thick of mid-life chaos – raising kids, building careers, and juggling countless responsibilities, including active roles in their church community.
When I asked what sex typically looks like in their marriage, their story probably sounds familiar:
They collapse into bed, exhausted from the day. After the fifth knock on their bedroom door since putting the kids to bed, they finally have a moment to themselves. But the unspoken question – “are we going to have sex tonight?” – hangs so heavy between them you could almost set off a smoke alarm.
He gives her that look – you know the one – even though she’s already nestled in bed with a book, dreading tomorrow’s 5:30 AM wake-up for carpool duty with teenagers.
She sighs, slips out of bed, and disappears into the closet. Returns wearing something meant to be sexy.
They follow their familiar script. She orgasms. He orgasms. They clean up. Back to bed.
But he lies awake, staring at the ceiling, wondering: Where’s the passion? She had an orgasm. He had an orgasm. Isn’t that what sex is supposed to be about? So why does it feel so… mechanical? Shouldn’t sex feel more connecting? Why does he always feel like he’s a burden when it comes to sex, even though she’s having an orgasm – isn’t that a clear indication that you’re liking sex?
You see, Eros energy – sexual eroticism – can’t feel like work. By definition, true sexual eroticism is adult play.
Think about it: When was the last time you found yourself completely, voluntarily playful? A moment where you were free, creative, relaxed, and connected to yourself with zero expectations? No strings attached? Now imagine bringing that exact feeling into your bedroom.
Let’s circle back to that couple I’m coaching.
“Just curious,” I ask them, “how do you know when you’re done having sex?”
They exchange this look – half confused, half amused. I know it sounds like a ridiculous question, but I ask it deliberately to get them thinking about their pattern.
“When we have an orgasm?” she finally offers.
“Do you like having orgasms?” I counter.
Now they’re looking at me like I’ve lost my mind. I can practically see the thought bubbles over their heads: “Where is this guy going with this?”
I decide to cut to the chase. “Orgasms are awesome. Yes, we could all use more of them in our lives. But not the way you two are doing it. From what you’re describing, it takes work for one or both of you to enjoy sex. It isn’t fun getting to that finish line of orgasm. It feels like you’re both just checking a box so you can finally stop having sex and move on to what you really want – which is sleep. And then you wonder why it’s routine, predictable, and not passionate.”
They nod, sharing a glance that tells me everything. They recognize this pattern in themselves.
“Are you saying we should stop having sex then?” he asks, voice tinged with disbelief.
“I think you should stop having the kind of sex you’re having now. Yes. It’s not sex worth wanting. What you need is a shared sexual experience that both of you will enthusiastically say ‘yes’ to most of the time.”
I tell them about another couple I worked with who told me they have sex almost every day – which, I’ll admit, caught my attention. See, when most people say “we had sex,” they mean intercourse happened and at least one person had an orgasm. But this other couple had completely redefined sex for themselves. For them, sex meant sharing arousal for a period of time, regardless of outcome.
First of all, arousal feels good for its own sake, especially with your spouse, regardless of orgasm or not. When we get sexually aroused, we momentarily get a little dumber and a lot happier. The more sexually aroused we are, the more the arousal holds our attention, putting us right in the moment.
Think about arousal on a scale from 0 to 10. Zero is completely unaroused, and ten is highly aroused and orgasmic. When you’re at a zero, going all the way to ten can sometimes feel like climbing a mountain. But what if getting to just a 3, 4, or 5 and enjoy hanging out there on a regular basis is good enough? It’s still that feel-good arousal, and can be connecting without the pressure of getting to a 10.
Besides, Isn’t it easier to say “yes” to something that feels playful and inviting – getting to maybe a 4 – rather than the pass/fail experience of whether or not you’ve a perfect 10 every single time.
I suggest to this couple meeting with me that they focus less on orgasm as the finish line. Yes, orgasms feel good, but when they become the goal or the measure of being done with sex, getting to orgasm starts feeling like work. Instead, focus on shared arousal for a period of time, even if it’s just five minutes.
“I can totally get on board with that,” the wife says immediately, her whole body language shifting forward.
The husband notices her enthusiasm – definitely a good sign. But he hesitates. “What if I really want more arousal, though? What if I want to get to a 10 and have an orgasm?”
I smile and lean forward. “I’m pretty sure you know how to give yourself an orgasm if you want one. She can too. And you can still be together, side by side, enjoying that moment. But there’s no more demand of finishing or reaching a certain goal in it.”
“I can TOTALLY get on board with that!” the wife exclaims again, this time with an even bigger grin and a mischievous glance toward her husband that says more than words ever could.
A month later, I followed up with them. The husband said it took practice for him approach bedtime differently, from a more calm and inviting space. The question is less about whether or not his wife was going to be in the mood but whether or not he could stay in connection with her, regardless of how much arousal would be enjoyed by the two of them that night.
The wife mentioned that doing things to make sexy time easy was the ticket for her. “I’ve always liked sex, and I like it even more when we make it easy without a lot of fuss. It’s like we lowered the bar and removed the hurdles and it’s really ok if we don’t have to hit some goal every time.”
LEARNING TO LOVE THE ADULT PLAYGROUND
Now that we understand what eroticism truly is, let’s explore four practical strategies to bring more of it into your marriage.
Strategy number one: Accept where you are right now. Acceptance is absolutely fundamental to learning to love the adult playground. There’s something profoundly liberating about accepting your sexuality exactly as it is—without shame, without wishing it was different, without comparing it to some imaginary ideal.
Here’s what acceptance might look like for you:
In virtually every marriage I’ve ever encountered, there are sexual desire differences. One person wants sex more often than the other, or wants different sexual activities than the other—and that’s completely normal. How boring it would be if we were all the same! There’s a lot of variation in human sexuality, and I believe that’s by divine design.
Having different desire levels isn’t the problem. The problem lies in how we respond to those differences. Your approach to navigating desire discrepancy has a massive impact on how much eroticism can freely flow in your relationship.
Let me share a story. I was coaching a couple where the husband, eager to spice things up, asked his wife about her fantasies. She told him her fantasy was to feel deeply cared for, completely relaxed, and genuinely beautiful.
Not what he was expecting.
He pressed again: “We already do that. But tell me about your sexual fantasies!” His emphasis on “sexual” was unmistakable.
She tried again: “I’m wearing some pretty lacy underwear, we’ve had this amazing conversation where you were vulnerable and open with me, I feel like we truly connect, and then we get aroused together.”
He was hoping to hear something like exploring anal sex, him coming on someplace different on her body, or a role-play where he tied her up.
His frustration was palpable. “No, no, tell me about your SEXUAL FANTASIES!”
See what’s happening here? He had such a narrow definition of what fantasies “should” look like that he couldn’t actually hear what she was saying. He missed the gold mine she was offering—a precise map to her eroticism. She was literally telling him exactly what helps her come alive in the bedroom, what brings new energy to their relationship, and he couldn’t receive it because it didn’t match his expectations.
Along with acceptance is to acknowledge what our turn-offs and turn-ons are, or as others have said, what your sexual brakes and accelerators are. You can also accept your responsive or spontaneous sexual desire pattern and inclination.
Also accept that men and women are wired differently. There’s a biological, and probably a divine purpose to these differences. And I’m not referring to just what’s below the neck. Generally speaking, men and women’s brains are different from a biological standpoint, which has a big influence on our sexual attitudes and approach.
Strategy number two: Remember that sexual fantasies can’t be forced. It’s like trying to force inspiration, or demand a creative breakthrough, or insist on an answer to prayer. Eroticism isn’t a vending machine. You can’t just push a button and command playfulness to appear. It reminds me of Weird Al Yankovic’s brilliantly ironic album title, “Mandatory Fun”—a perfect oxymoron.
What you can do instead is think of your eroticism like a garden. You can prepare the soil. You can fertilize it, keep it free from weeds, water it consistently, and ensure it gets enough sunshine. When the conditions are right, your eroticism will naturally bloom and blossom on its own.
Too many of us are living lives so packed with obligations that we’ve eliminated all margin. I learned this concept from Francie Winslow, who hosts the “Heaven In Your Home” podcast. She made a deliberate choice to reduce the hectic nature of her life to create more “margin”—intentional down-time and empty spaces in her schedule. This way, when something unexpected inevitably pops up, she’s not completely derailed. The same principle applies to your erotic life.
My third strategy is to explore the idea that you have an innate erotic self, it’s voice has just been suppressed for so long that we’ve learned to instinctively snuff it out.
This was me for the first 13 years or so of my marriage. I was the quintessential “good boy,” meaning, I mistakenly thought any sexual thought or urge was sinful or had to be under control. I didn’t know I could be a spiritual person and a sexual person at the same time, mistakenly thinking those two ideas were at odds with each other. So you learn to suppress your sexuality.
I got this next idea from Nicole Dadone, the author of the book Slow Sex. It’s an exercise I’ve done a few times, and one I encourage my clients and retreat attendees to do, is to find a quiet place where you won’t be interrupted and get settled. Get out a sheet of paper and a pen, and set the timer for 10 minutes. Without lifting your pen, write what your sexual self would say to you if you gave it a voice. This exercise will only work if you’ll allow yourself to write what comes up without the judgmental filter we usually attach to our thoughts. Just let it all out.
We often fear our sexuality because we’re told it’s dangerous. But we don’t give due credit to the power our sexuality has to bind couples into unbreakable marriages, to elevate us, to kick-start our creative energy, and teach us things we can only learn from experiencing them.
Regardless of what you write down, whether they be your hopes and dreams, fantasies, or frustrations, you can gently remind yourself that you’re still in charge of you. Letting your sexual self speak, with you listening with curiosity, isn’t going to turn you into a deviant. You can even decide to burn the paper afterwards if you want to.
My last strategy is different from the previous three. It’s about taking pleasure, not giving pleasure, when it comes to sex.
A wife recently said to me, “I love sex with my husband, but I don’t want to feel like it is just routine. I would love to feel pursued instead of just assuming we’ll have sex as scheduled.”
She’s craving more erotic tension in her sexual relationship with her husband. Too many husbands approach sex as though it’s their job to give their wives pleasure. They’re super focused on getting it done right, to her satisfaction.
For most couples, it’s not passionate when the bedroom is treated as a job site where the man patiently and generously gets a job done to her satisfaction. It’s also often not erotic if she just lays there, to let him do his thing. In other words, when the focus during sex is too much on the other person, even if it’s couched in generosity, sex becomes much less passionate.
What’s passionate and erotic is often doing the opposite of what works out of the bedroom. Instead of “giving” pleasure, why not “take” pleasure from your spouse? In short, there’s a healthy level of selfishness and narcissism that makes for great sex.
Sex gets routine when it becomes this polite exchange: “Okay, now it’s your turn.” Instead, you both need to tap into your inner two-year-old sometimes – that part that just wants what it wants without overthinking it. That’s where the magic happens.
Here’s what I mean. Isn’t it way more hot to passionately kiss your spouse because you love the feeling of their lips and tongue, not because you are trying to get them to feel a certain way?
For another example, consider oral sex. Don’t just “give” oral sex because your spouse likes it – do oral sex on your spouse because of how pleasurable it is for you to turn on your spouse! TAKE pleasure in performing it. Isn’t it way hotter when your spouse is going down on you and they’re genuinely enjoying themselves? That enthusiasm is what makes it exciting! We did a podcast episode on this topic a few years ago with Danielle Savory as my guest, in episode #137, titled “Blowjobs Aren’t Just For Husbands.”
For this woman asking the question, if you want hotter sex, tell your husband to stop worrying so much about your pleasure and instead focus on doing you in a way that HE genuinely enjoys. It may feel counterintuitive at first, but push yourself and you’ll unlock a new level of erotic fun that’s way more exciting for both of you than just checking boxes.
I want to clarify that this isn’t giving you permission to touch your spouse or engage in a sexual act that they don’t want or choose. That’s crossing boundaries and it’s indulgent behavior.
CONCLUSION
In conclusion, our God-given eroticism is always rooted in goodness and invites us to expand who we are. It invites us to the next level, and makes us feel alive. Sex is not just for making babies but also for giving fresh life to a marriage.
We find it easier to tap into our eroticism when we make sex easier and reduce the barriers that interfere with getting to the heart of sharing our goodness with each other. It gets us out of the routine and predictable and the ho-hum.
Our erotic nature isn’t something you can demand shows up. You can’t demand it out of your spouse either. Instead, you focus on preparing the right conditions and invite it to show up.
Sometimes we don’t know what we find sexually erotic because we haven’t given it a chance. Learning to explore and love the erotic playground might include listening to your inner child, experimenting, or finding helpful, marriage affirming resources like the Intimately Us app.
If you would like help infusing more eroticism in your marriage, you’re invited to reach out to me and check out our Get Your Marriage on program. We can help you implement these four strategies into your marriage so that you can say goodbye to routine and monotony and enjoy a deeper, richer, more real marriage. The program is built for couples that have an otherwise happy marriage but want to take it to the next level. You’ll find the details on my website at GetYourMarriageOn.com.
