Freedom is the key to intimacy.
I had a client once who told me about an anniversary trip she took with her husband. It had all the ingredients of a perfect getaway—beautiful setting, a quiet dinner, laughter, reconnection. They hadn’t had time alone in months.
But on the last night, her husband reached for her. She knew what he wanted. And though part of her wanted to want it too… she didn’t.
She told me, “I felt torn. I knew he’d been hoping for this all weekend. He planned the trip. He tried so hard. And I love him. But I didn’t feel connected in that way. I just wasn’t there emotionally.”
Inside, she felt a tug-of-war. One part of her wanted to say yes to please him—to meet his need, to keep the moment sweet. But another part whispered, “If I say yes when I don’t want to, am I betraying myself?”
She said yes anyway.
And afterward, she felt even more disconnected—like she had given something away she didn’t really have to give. He sensed it too, and felt quietly rejected, even though she hadn’t said no.
This happens so often in marriage.
When sex becomes an obligation instead of a choice, it starts to hollow out the intimacy we’re trying to build. No one wants to feel like they’re begging for love. And no one wants to feel like they’re surrendering their voice just to keep the peace.
Desire can’t be demanded. It can only be offered—and received—freely.
When both spouses are free to say no, the yes becomes powerful again. That’s when intimacy starts to come alive.
Take a moment to reflect: Where in your marriage can you create more space for freedom—freedom to speak honestly, to listen without pressure, and to choose each other from a place of true desire?
