Ever said yes to a party you didn’t feel up for—then drove home glowing because it was totally worth it?
In this episode, we’ve invited fellow Get Your Marriage On Program coach, Tammy Camp, to use this metaphor to talk all about creating an intimate relationship both spouses want to show up for!
In this episode you’ll learn about . . .
- Spontaneous and responsive desire
- How to send irresistible invitations (without pressure)
- How to RSVP with freedom instead of obligation
- When a thoughtful “no” is actually wise
- And how to become co-planners so the bedroom feels like a party you both want to attend
We cover warm-up rituals, initiation scripts, de-pressurizing the “main event,” and Tammy’s black-belt party-planning tips.
If you’re tired of duty sex or mixed signals, this is your invite to craft a party worth wanting—together.
And speaking of parties, we’re inviting you to one you won’t want to miss!
Our Anatomy of Arousal Virtual Getaway is coming up in one week–September 26-27. Take sexual intimacy in your marriage to the next level by mastering the three keys to high arousal in your marriage!
Join us virtually for a refreshing, sexy, and inspiring 2-day getaway, where we do a deep dive into the anatomy of arousal in your marriage.
(And if you can’t make it that weekend, you will get the recordings to use on another weekendof your choosing.)
Transcript
This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors or inaccuracies. For the most accurate and complete experience, we recommend listening to the full podcast episode.
Dan: Have you ever been invited to a party where at first you’re like, I kind of like this person. I kind of wanna support them, but Oh, the effort it takes to prepare for the party. ’cause you gotta, you know, get dressed, you got to travel across town. You might need to purchase a gift on the way, [00:01:00] but once you’re there, you’re having a great time and on your way back you’re like, it was worth the effort.
I’m so glad I did that in today’s podcast with my friend and co-coach. Tammy camp, we gotta talk about this party invite as a metaphor for improving sex and intimacy in your marriage. In other words, we want to address, uh, two sides of a common pattern we’ve seen in a lot of marriages, and that is a spontaneous desire person and a responsive desire person, which will define more in depth in this.
So you’ll walk away from this episode with a clearer idea of what you can do in your marriage to improve initiation, improve the quality of your sexual interactions, and most importantly, deepen the joy and confidence that you’ll have in the bedroom and build a stronger marriage as a result. Before we jump into the episode, I want to tell you about some exciting things we have coming up.
First of all, is next weekend. So this is, uh, September 26th and 27. [00:02:00] We’re hosting a virtual getaway, and how this works is you get to join, me and my wife live for three sessions Friday night, Saturday morning. Saturday night and the focus, it’s like a retreat. I want you and your spouse to treat this, like we’re gonna get a little getaway together and get some real fun instruction.
The whole theme of the weekend is all about arousal in your marriage. So how does your arousal patterns in the context of your marriage relate in such a way that you can build upon your strengths so you can have a sexier marriage?
We’re gonna have a great time. We have a special guest who’s gonna teach a lap dance tutorial. It’s gonna be absolutely fun, and we gonna do a deep dive onto physical arousal. Relational arousal and psychological arousal that’s using your mind to engage more sexually, so you register for that on our website.
You can go to get your marriage on.com and click events. We’re also starting to accept applications for our next in-person retreat. This is [00:03:00] next April, and you’ll find those details on our website too. Our in-person retreats are awesome and they’re geared for couples who are in an otherwise great marriage.
But wish things were better when it came to sex and intimacy because at our retreats it’s four days and four nights, and we do a deep dive into all things intimacy in your marriage. It’s a fantastic opportunity and I hope you can join us.
It’s Tammy Camp. Welcome back to the Get Your Marriage On Podcast. How you doing?
Tammy: I’m great. Thank you for having me.
Dan: This is so good to have you. Now you coach with me in our Get Your Marriage On Program. You’re one of the fellow coaches and you’re incredibly talented and gifted, and for those that don’t know, this is a program that blesses hundreds of couples that are currently in the program, get to learn from you and me and get real coaching to help them in their marriages.
Which brings us to what we gotta talk about today, which is. It’s gonna be really fun. But before we begin, I thought I would, pop quiz you with some, would you rather questions? How’s that sound?
Tammy: Oh, joy. Yes, I’m ready. Okay. [00:04:00]
Dan (2): Alright. My first question is, would you rather, your spouse initiate, uh, sexy shower time every morning or ensure that the night ends with essential massage?
Tammy: Hmm. I would go with the massage every evening.
Dan (2): Okay. All right. Second question, would you rather have your spouse serve you breakfast in bed wearing nothing but an apron? I can just picture Jake, right?
Oh goodness.
Dan (2): Would you rather have your spouse prepare a candle at dinner? In, uh, his sexiest outfit.
Tammy: Yes.
Um, I would go with the second. We have a little funny thing about breakfast in bed, so. Oh yeah. What’s that?
Dan (2): Tell me.
Tammy: Oh, I just have always been really funny about breakfast in bed. That’s, that’s where I sleep, not where I eat, so. Oh, gotcha. We don’t do breakfast in bed.
Dan (2): Not, not your thing. Okay, gotcha. No.
Would you rather invite your spouse to have a slow, sensual dance every [00:05:00] night or have an impromptu make out session at any moment of the day? Hmm.
Tammy: I would go with the dancing.
Dan (2): All right. Yeah. You’re actually a talented dancer, right? Yes. Is it tap dancing?
Tammy: Yep. Tap dancing. Yep.
Dan (2): That’s so cool. And that’s how you and your spouse met through, through that.
That’s cool.
Tammy: Yep. Him and I, him and his sister dance together.
Dan (2): Yeah. Oh, that’s cool. Great. Last question. Would you rather come home to a surprise party that your spouse planned for you, or would you rather be the one that planned the surprise party that your spouse came home to?
Tammy: Uh, as far as surprise parties go, I, if it’s a birthday party or something like that, I wouldn’t wanna be the planner because I don’t like to be surprised.
Okay. So I would take on the role of finding the party for somebody else to walk into. Gotcha. Uhhuh? Yes.
Dan (2): Great. So would you rather, now if it comes down to sexy time, would you rather be the one that’s [00:06:00] planning that, uh, sending out the invites for that or have your spouse, the one doing the planning and inviting?
Do you wanna be the inviter or the invitee for sexy time? Ah,
Tammy: yes. So I would go into being the invitee. It’s changed for me, I would say over the last few years, Uhhuh. But if we go back a few years, I definitely was the one that was. Invited to the intimacy party in our relationship.
Dan (2): Gotcha. Which is
Tammy: kind of fun ’cause that’s what I wanna chat about today.
Dan (2): So what’s the difference between being invited and being the invitee? It seems like it’s the same thing to me.
Tammy: Ah, okay. Well I’ve come up with this fun analogy, Uhhuh, that I call the party planner versus the invite. Um, invitee. Okay.
Um,
Tammy: Analogy that talks about spontaneous versus responsive desire in a relationship and how this.
Applies to parties.
Dan (2): Okay. Yeah. I think we talk about responsive and spontaneous on this podcast time to time, but in case someone’s never heard those [00:07:00] terms before, broad strokes, what does that mean? What does the research say about that? Where do these concepts come from and how does it apply to almost every married couple?
Tammy: Yeah, so spontaneous and responsive are two different types of ways that we step into lots of different behaviors in our relationship.
Okay, so
Tammy: this could be intimacy, it could be finances, it could be communication, it could be travel planning, like parenting. All of these things we generally are either spontaneous or responsive in these areas, which means spontaneous means that you’re.
Ready to go. Um, it is more on your mind, um, more of the time where responsive means that you usually need to be invited into that space. It’s not on the top of your mind all the time. It takes some, um, work maybe per safe to get you to that place where you’re more at an equal level, um, to that space together.
So that’s how I would describe those two different ones.
Dan (2): Okay, [00:08:00] cool. Very good. Alright, great. So, uh, and this has a lot to do with party planning.
Tammy: Yes. Let me tell you why.
Dan (2): All right.
Tammy: so I have come up with this, this little bit of analogy that the spontaneous desire in an intimate relationship, we’ll talk about intimacy now for a minute, is the party planner,
Dan (2): okay?
Now,
Tammy: as the spontaneous desire being the party planner, you’re always up for a party.
All right.
Tammy: Which means that you’re just like, I will have a party today, Uhhuh, I’ll have a party in a couple hours. Uhhuh, I’m totally up for a party in the middle of the night. I’m totally up for a party tomorrow. So when you are spontaneous for intimacy, you’re generally that party planner that’s up for a party anytime.
Dan (2): Okay, Uhhuh. Yeah. You’re more ready to go Uhhuh.
Tammy: Yes. You are ready to go. I think about
Dan (2): it more, right?
Tammy: Yeah. Right. It’s on your mind, Uhhuh. Yeah.
Dan (2): Or it’s easier to get in the mood for it.
Tammy: Yes, yes. Your body [00:09:00] responds quicker. Mm-hmm. It’s, um, to that you’re like a microwave uhhuh for a party. Right, right.
Like you are the, microwave popcorn that just is ready to pop really, really quick.
All right.
Tammy: and so that’s what I refer to as the party planner. So you may be that in your relationship for intimacy. Mm-hmm. Just something to think about or am I the party planner? on the other end of the spectrum, I, what I refer to for the responsive desire is that, um, you have an invitation to your spouse’s party.
Dan (2): Okay.
Tammy: And as that responsive desire, I just want you to think like, Dan, have you ever been invited to a party that you didn’t wanna go to?
Dan (2): Yeah, I have, but I, you go anyway. And actually, thinking back, I’m glad I went to it. Yeah. Yeah. It’s like today for me, I went to a, uh, alumni lunch. I signed up last minute ’cause I was really on the fence if I [00:10:00] wanted to go, I.
I tend to be a little more on the introverted side, so this is not like mm-hmm. Right. But I showed up anyway and immediately I saw some old friends that I haven’t seen for a while. We reconnected, and it was great. I felt great and I walked away. Now I’m really glad that I went. So yeah, maybe that’s like what you’re talking about, being invited and even though it’s not on my mind.
Tammy: Yeah. Yeah, and there was even some resistance to it. I think it’s something to acknowledge and be okay with too. Uhhuh, like sometimes we get the invitation, we really fight going. We get there and sometimes even it takes us a little bit of time to warm up, right? We’re a little bit of a wall flyer, like there’s lots of things that go into that.
Invitation that’s pre presented to you, and it’s totally okay, and it’s totally normal in a relationship ship to be either the party planner or to have that invitation to the party. So I would refer to that responsive that we just, uh, talked about as being invited to the [00:11:00] party uhhuh of our spontaneous partner.
And, it just, kind of opens up the space of like, Ooh, yeah. It’s harder for me sometimes to go to that party, but generally when I’m there, it’s a party and it’s fun and it’s enjoyable, and once my body responds and is ready to play, then that party is a
Dan (2): blast. Very good. So, this applies then sexually.
So I guess what you’re saying is there are some, in, in a marriage it’s typical if one person’s more responsive. So there are years and years early in my marriage where I, I tend to be more the party planner when it comes to sexy time in my own marriage, or it has been for, for the, especially for the first part of our marriage.
And I, I wish my spouse would, I. be just as enthusiastic about planning the parties also. And when she wasn’t, I thought something must be wrong with her because, and it’s not just a male female thing. [00:12:00] Right? Right. I think you’re about to get into this, or maybe you tell me, or is it always the husband, in marriages that are the party planners?
Tammy: No, it can be either. It just, it’s whatever your dynamic creates. It can be either. Sometimes we are the party planner and we are a female. Sometimes we’re the party planner and we are a male. It does, that does not, generally change things Now, more often it is. Those tend to be the male that is the party planner, but that’s, that’s not always the case and it’s totally okay and normal if, if you are the party planner and you are female, right?
Like there’s nothing wrong with anybody in either of these cases. It’s okay if you’re the party planner. It’s okay if you have an invitation to the party. Both of ’em are beautiful and wonderful and makes the party really, really fun, right? And great when you can allow the space. For both people, the party planner and the one that’s been invited to step into that party room.
Dan (2): Okay. Per se. Yeah. Well, let’s focus now on, [00:13:00] being a good party planner. What’s involved in being a good party planner then?
Tammy: Yeah, being a really good party planner means that you do have desires. You do have. A lot of things that you desire, that you long for in a relationship, but you also have space that there is somebody that you’ve given an invitation to that needs to be invited in, in a place where they want to be.
So
Tammy: being a really good party planner means that even though you may have a list of lots of, lots of things that seem really enjoyable to have at your party, like you want pinatas and you want confetti and you want cake pops, and you want ice cream, like all the things chocolate and vanilla ice cream, you also have room for the person that says, I’ve invited somebody that’s lactose intolerant.
For example. Yeah.
Dan (2): Yeah. And what
Tammy: does that mean for me to, as the party planner have room that I need something new even. Mm-hmm. That may [00:14:00] not be on my list, but it’s definitely on the people that invited to my party’s list to create a party that’s enjoyable for both of us.
Dan (2): Gotcha. So it’s being really considered as a party planner of who you’re inviting Yes.
You know, your spouse. Mm-hmm. And, what? Start the yeses and nos basically, and yeah. Accommodating that. Make your room. Yeah.
Tammy: Yeah. Because I have found is I’ve talked to couples and coached with couples. If you are a party planner and you have planned the party and you’re just like banging your head against the wall for your responsive, you know, you’ve sent the invitation and they’re not coming to your party, and if they do come to your party, they’re like a dead fish.
You wonder why you invited a dead fish to your party because Uhhuh, that’s gross, right. That’s generally because there’s not room for that invitation. Even though you put out the invitation, there’s not room for them to step into the party room. It’s like two full of of your [00:15:00] own ideas and your own thoughts, and.
Everything that seems great to you to have room for that person to even come into the party room.
Dan (2): Hmm, I like that. And the, and the way you invite matters too, right? Like I told you about this alumni, luncheon that I went to. What if the invitation was, Dan, we’ve noticed you’ve missed the last five luncheons.
Uh, it’s been a long time. You’ve committed to this. You’re an alumni. You’re supposed to come. It’s about time you show up. Yeah. Like compared to, right, we’re gonna have this wonderful luncheon. We would love if you could please come, because you could have a lot to contribute and we’ve got these things planned that I think you’d like to, see people and whatever.
Right. There’s a big difference. I think too many couples, sometimes sex is like, you know, it’s been three days or three weeks or three months. Come on, it’s, it’s your duty to step up here. It’s your obligation as my wife or as my husband to initiate or do [00:16:00] things. And those kinds of invitations are a little less welcoming compared to I.
Hey, I’ve noticed you and I just can’t wait to be with you. I love, I, I just crave being with you. Which invitation is more like Yeah. Inviting. Right? So the way you invite matters, and I think we forget that the longer we’ve been married. Yeah. ’cause you get too accustomed because Exactly. That we’re married to.
Yeah.
Tammy: The, the way that you described the first one was as, as if it’s an invitation, is a choice.
Dan (2): It is
Tammy: a choice. There is an RSVP that could say, I’m not coming tonight. Uhhuh
Dan (2): or Rain check. Uh, and
Tammy: a rain check. Right? Right. It’s a no, but how about we do this? How about we cuddle? How about we do a massage instead?
There the, there’s an RSVP on that invitation. And, and so even when we do those invitations, we can’t be demanding with our invitations. Like that was the first one that you talked about. And they’re no fun invitations. It makes you say like, I’m not coming this [00:17:00] time and I’m gonna take myself off of the list.
Like I’m gonna unsubscribe to that invite because that feels like I’m being bullied.
Right? And
Tammy: nobody wants to go to a party where they feel forced to do so. And so I loved how you gave the example of the second one, right? Like, I’ve missed you. I want you to come to this party like I desire you. Uhhuh, um, feels very much more warm and open.
Dan (2): Any other tips for the, the more spontaneous desire spouse we’re talking about now, the, the inviter, how to make better invitations.
Tammy: Yeah. A tip for that, you know, party planner and intimacy. What is your spouse’s party like? What are they possibly spontaneous for, and can you use that to invite them in?
Dan (2): Example, gimme an example. What you mean, for example?
Tammy: Yeah. If your spouse loves emotional connection
mm-hmm.
Tammy: How can you [00:18:00] invite knowing that they love that part? They are the party planner for emotional connection. Can you step into that and invite in a way that brings in those emotions, that takes the time to talk, to communicate, to invite in that says like.
Hey, let’s talk for 15 minutes. You know, let’s cuddle in bed and talk for 15 minutes. That invitation could lead more up to their thing that they’re really good as the party planner at, and you maybe are not. You’re more the one that has to be invited to that emotional connection.
Dan (2): I like that. I like that.
I think a lot of couples that I work with maybe, In the past, in our program too, there’s some frustration when it comes to sexual intimacy because there’s like a, there’s like this end goal in mind. Like we haven’t had it in a while, let’s say, and we wanna get through it and there’s, we need to get.
From step to A to [00:19:00] B2C, you know, skip through the foreplay so we can get to the main event and like mm-hmm. There’s this mentality of, there’s like a start and an end, and we know we finish when we’ve hit this kind of a thing. Yeah,
yeah.
Dan (2): Compared to couples who have learned how to kind of mature through that, to just enjoy the entire process.
It doesn’t have to end at a certain mark or end at a certain thing, but just. It may not be all fireworks every single time, but they’ve created a space between them that they both just, it’s sex worth wanting. It’s what they both want to be there. It’s inviting for both of them to be there. And that’s I think that’s what you’re saying here.
We craft invitations that are really good for both of us, and it’s a place we both want to be rather than something to like cross off or check off.
Tammy: Yeah, this is, you know, as you’re talking about couples that we’ve worked with, it’s about connection. That’s what I have found more than anything.
Mm-hmm.
Both
Tammy: the party planner and the [00:20:00] invitee, really, they have a really, really solid shared goal. And it’s, it’s about connection. Uh, now we don’t often see that, like, it’s, it’s hard to get couples to see that, but that’s the goal. It is, the party can be really, really great. But if there’s no connection because there’s not space for both of us, then it’s, it’s not really great.
The party’s not really great. And so really ultimately any type of invitation has to be about building connection. Any type of invitation by choice has to be about connection. So both sides have to choose in those areas to have a desire to connect.
Dan (2): Great. Okay. Let’s talk about, uh, the person being invited to the party.
Yes. Let’s talk about that side. What do you have for us? Yeah.
Tammy: so that’s a really cool thing about the invitation we talked about a little bit before, but it’s a choice.
Mm. Being
Tammy: invited is a choice and, and [00:21:00] often as a responsive to desire, we feel like our freedom has been ripped out from under us. We feel like the choice has been taken away.
I want to tell you all if you are responsive, desire, like stop it. It’s, it’s about seeing that it’s about you, you, yourself, the powerful person that you are choosing.
Mm-hmm.
Tammy: Choosing to step into that invitation and be there. If you said yes, then choose to be there. If you said no, great, maybe work on the why Uhhuh.
But if you said yes, you have chosen that invitation and it’s now in all of your power and control to choose how you wanna show up. And to me, that’s really important for that invitee, that responsive desire. To say I chose this. Mm-hmm. I said, yes, I’m not doing it out of duty and obligation, but I’m doing it because I [00:22:00] choose my spouse.
And so that’s just a really, um, a mind shift that you can start to change in who you are if you are the responsive desire that says, am I choosing or am I feeling like my freedom has been ripped away?
Dan (2): That’s really good. Good. Great. Great.
One thing that I’ve learned about sexuality, especially in long-term marriages, is the sense of freedom. The more freedom you feel in your relationship, the more depth you can connect, the greater you can explore your sexuality, explore your spouse’s sexuality. There’s so much that comes with free freedom and eroticism come together in the same package.
So quick way to get freedom is remembering that you’re empowered to choose and that’s what I hear you saying. I am free to choose, I’m voluntarily choosing to step into this and to enjoy it.
Tammy: Yes. Yeah. I love that. I had to learn this. I am [00:23:00] definitely the responsive desire in my relationship. And for years I lived in this, like I had that invitation, but I didn’t.
Love the invitation. I didn’t understand the invitation. I saw it very much as a like, man, what is wrong with him and why does he want so many parties? Right? Uhhuh and, and so I had to step into that power of freedom that you know that at, at some point I started watching my husband shift in the place where I noticed that he was choosing me.
He was giving me that freedom to accept that invitation in a way that he never had uhhuh. Now, in that moment, I had to do a lot of. You know, introspection, I would say yeah. And say, why am I doing this? Why am I showing up, to a party with this invitation and being the most miserable party guest
uhhuh ever?
Now, it
Tammy: wasn’t always horrible. I, uh, you know, our, our, it was not bad. We didn’t know any different for a lot of the stuff, but, but a lot of times I was showing up, up out of duty and obligation. [00:24:00] And I did have to learn how to shift that. And, you know, the, the, the phrase do better, Tammy came to my mind because I had to learn like, what, what am I doing?
I chose to be in a relationship with my spouse. Yes, this is not top of mind all the time for me, but I have the power to choose
Uhhuh.
Tammy: I have the freedom to step into this and decide what it means to me and take that beautiful, wonderful power invitation that my spouse who adores me and loves me and thinks I am the most beautiful person on the earth, has invited me to.
Mm-hmm.
Tammy: And, and that started making a shift in me that, that allowed me to show up to the party better.
Dan (2): That’s good. What other tips do you have to showing up to the party? Let’s say you’ve said yes, but you still don’t feel like being there.
Tammy: Yeah, and that’s okay sometimes too. I talked about that wallflower.
Sometimes there’s a responsive desire sometimes right? At first that is something. Um, I’ll also say sometimes you just choose. Remember I told you [00:25:00] that’s the first step is just to choose. Now. It doesn’t mean that you’re ready to go. And often that’s a little bit of a disconnect. so for the party planner, realize your wife, even though she accepts your invitation, is or your partner is not just gonna be ready to go.
If they choose, accept that choice and as that responsive desire you’ve chosen now step in and sometimes it does take some warmup time. Totally own that you’re okay with that as the party planner owned that it’s okay that, that the person that you invited needs some warmup and as the person that was invited that has that invitation be okay, that it takes some time for you to warm up.
It is totally okay and totally wonderful to accept that fact about yourself.
Dan (2): That’s good. That’s really good. In our culture, we do have this assumption, this narrative, that having high sexual desire. A good thing. And if you don’t have it, then something’s kind of wrong with you or you [00:26:00] gotta go get your hormones checked or whatever it is that people want to say to you. Right. But, uh, the more I do this work I’ve learned, sometimes having low desire is actually good judgment.
You’re actually is wise to actually to turn down the party invitation. Can you tell me more about, times in your experience when it might be good judgment to actually decline the party invite?
Tammy: Yeah, like sometimes, you are not gonna be there as the responsive desire. It’s not the right time, it’s not the right place, it’s not a safe place.
There has, there’s not safety in your relationship at that time. Now sometimes, um, that spontaneous, that higher desire feels safety in, in being intimate. And so that’s where it kind of plays into have that little bit of a better judgment that says like. This is not gonna be a good party. This is not gonna be a good time.
And so it is better for us to choose differently, to fix some things in our relationship where we’re gonna choose that connection, where we’re both gonna [00:27:00] feel freedom to step into this. That’s a time where it’s okay to say no. There’s, there’s times where you’re exhausted, where there’s a lot of things going on.
that it’s just not the right time or the right place to do these things. sometimes you just need to see like, what is pulling me to need that? if you are the, the party planner and the spontaneous, like just stopping to see like, why do I need that right now? And is that really what is needed? Um, or is there a better way to think?
Is there a better way to be? Is it just holding each other? Is it just being together?
Dan (2): That’s good in that,
Tammy: what’s your thoughts on that?
Dan (2): Yeah, one example that comes to mind of a couple I worked with is, he really wanted to have sex with his wife, but she could sense that in it, there was a little bit of a performance of aspect of why he wanted to have sex.
It wasn’t really like it was about her too, but there was a strong like. Kind of wanted to get another notch in his belt, or it was about the stats. It was about, [00:28:00] seeing if they could like do more variety. It was about, conquering than it was really about closeness. And she’d say yes, but. She really felt lost in the sexual experience and he thought it was great, but he kind of had a very myopic view of what’s going on in, in the sexual act.
So she started, you know, withdrawing a little more or actually saying no, he got upset. and then, it wasn’t until they really understood this concept that. It was a good judgment for her to turn that down. ’cause it was, it was an invitation for bad sex. Yeah. I, you don’t want to jump into a bad sexual experience or one that you’re gonna feel like you were just kinda used for their own ego purposes or ’cause they wanna feel good.
And, so it takes a lot of humility for both spouses to be able to do that. But sometimes I just, it is good judgment. To turn down the party invitation. Yeah. Because it’s, you’re going for something higher. There’s the higher good. [00:29:00] I, I want to stay in love with you, but if I said yes to this, then I would resent it.
I would resent you and I don’t want to be in a position to resent you. so it, it takes more maturity sometimes to say no, but to realize low desire is good judgment, I think is important. Yeah.
Tammy: And the, the one thing that I would say about that, just as a little warning for that lower desire, it can be good judgment, but it can also become really easy to say no all the time.
Yeah. And so for that responsive, for that person that is being invited to the party, you can have good judgment with that lower desire or that responsive desire, but you also need to be careful of how often you are saying no. Is it always a no? Um, and, and you could have some work to work through because often we just say no out of.
Almost habit in our relationships. And so just if you are that responsive type behavior, sometimes we need to do some work around that to, to build that back up and say, could I, am I a maybe or [00:30:00] can I be a yes? That is accepting that invitation, even like we talked about, when you’re not there yet, but you could be.
So I would just be a little very cautious about that for those. Those responsive desires of like, how often am I saying no and why can I talk about it? Can I communicate about this with my spouse about why? To talk about how I can get to a yes. So that’s the one thing that I would say. It can be good judgment, but it also can become a habit.
Just
Dan (2): say no. Yeah. Right, right, right. And sometimes no is bad judgment because part of good sex is there’s always a little bit of anxiety in it. That’s just the way it is. It’s eroticism and anxiety exists together. More erotic the more anxious you’re gonna be. But some people are so. Quote, unquote, allergic to any width of anxiety, that no becomes the easy answer, and so they end up.
co-creating a marriage dynamic where you have the inviter always inviting, [00:31:00] inviting, inviting, trying. So being so creative to invite and your answer is always no. You end up with a marriage where you’re, gonna be at arm’s length, there’s gonna be low intimacy because you’re not willing to tolerate a little bit of discomfort, you know, within yourself for a little bit to create something better.
So, yeah. You, you need to accept the invitation. Yes. Yeah. It feels like we’re talking out of two sides of her mouth, right? Like, no, don’t accept it. Yes, accept it. I know. And the answer is really down to you. And I think if, if I were, trying to come up with a general rule, it would be, would accepting this invitation end up.
You know, if your goal is a stronger, more intimate marriage, will it build a stronger, more intimate marriage? Yes. Or, or no? I think that would be a good way to attest whether this is a good, party to do show up to.
Tammy: Yes. Yes. And you know, it, it doesn’t mean that you’re gonna be saying yes to. Every night per [00:32:00] se, you know?
Right. Um, but it, it’s a balance between the two of you of, you know, if you are the party planner, if you’re putting out the invitations, am I being respectful that this is not, you know, top of mind always for my responsive. partner, and then, you know, as that one that’s responding, am I acknowledging that request and can I step in?
Can I choose that? Can I try to go to the party and, and sometimes even try out the party to see if it’s something that, that will work out for tonight. And it’s, it is fully okay sometimes when you’re exhausted, when there’s lots of things going on to say no. Um. But just make sure that that’s, that’s not the norm.
The time.
Dan (2): Alright. Last concept. Let’s talk about becoming co-planners. Mm-hmm. Of a party being more collaborative. What does that look like? Mm-hmm.
Tammy: Yeah. I would say that, you know, changing this dynamic, is, is fully doable. So when we start talking about. Spontaneous and [00:33:00] responsive. It generally is like, yep, he is totally the party planner, or she is totally the party planner, and I definitely have that invitation.
But what’s cool is we, as we acknowledge each other, as we see each other, as we have that freedom into our relationship. I feel like we both become a little bit of party planners and also able to send out those invitations. It takes lots of work, but when there’s freedom, when there is choice, it allows for more collaboration in a relationship where it’s not just about I’m this and you’re that.
It is just like, what is our shared party look like? Um, and can we invite each other to that?
Dan (2): And can we co-create the agenda of the party,
Tammy: right? Yes.
Dan (2): Can we explore new things together? Can we Right. Create experiences that are meaningful and bonding and connecting and erotic and fun and
all
Dan (2): the good things together.
Yes. So both
Dan (2): [00:34:00] people have a shared voice and there’s room for two people to kind of bring their ideas,
Tammy: Uhhuh. Yeah. And show it
Dan (2): together.
Tammy: That party planner, for example, can start to have a voice and, and start to maybe share some things. Doesn’t mean that it’s gonna be a yes for their spouse, but they can start to share some things that are their desires, that are their fantasies, that are things that they really, think may be fun.
and it’s a, it’s a free space for that, other collaborative member of the party to think about and say, you know what? I am open to that. There’s space for that now. And, and so that collaboration can be really powerful for them. Just, and, or it could say, you know what, I’m not ready for that, but I’m so glad you shared.
Like the communication is open, there is honesty and vulnerability when we have two party planners and two people that are invited. I think that that makes a little bit of shift, that there’s room for each of you in the relationship for however that looks, for each one of you.
Dan (2): That’s really good.
[00:35:00] Great. All right, Tammy, this has been really good. What are your black belt party planning tips?
Tammy: Yes.
Dan (2): Let’s take this to the next level.
Tammy: Yeah. Okay. So if you are the party planner right now, if you are that spontaneous desire black belt for you would be keep planning the parties. Okay. Do put out those fun invitations.
Create something that is just like powerful. Don’t stop. Inviting. Uh, make it about love, make it about connection. Make it about choice. For the black belt tip, for the person that is invited, that has the invitation is choose.
Choose to show up. Choose to start seeing what your part is. It. Choose to accept the freedom that you’ve been given. and see what that’s gonna change for you. See what desires may open up for you. See that you can own who you are in your sexual relationship and that it’s totally beautiful and wonderful.
And then for both of ’em, [00:36:00] even though we, we collaborate in our relationships, we’re never going to become each other.
Mm-hmm.
Tammy: So part of that is that your party as the. spontaneous is always gonna be you. It’s, it is like. Has you all in it and as the responsive that has you that you’ve brought into it.
And as you can create that for the two of you, if there’s space to have that black belt fight in the bedroom, Uhhuh, it is about that. There’s space and it’s beautiful and wonderful that you are very different. That’s where the fireworks happen. You’re different, you’re beautiful, you’re wonderful, and intimacy is fun and and really cool when that happens.
Dan (2): That’s really good. Well, thank you very much. Yes, thank you. Where can people go to learn more about you and our, get your marriage on program and things like that too?
Tammy: Yeah, so you can go to get your marriage on. Uh, our next level program is very powerful. We do lots of awesome, amazing coaching in that we have groups [00:37:00] and, and cohorts and private coaching in that.
And then you can also find me on Instagram, Tammy Camp coaching, and then my website is the same. And so you can find me in those places as well.
Dan (2): Excellent. Thank you.
Tammy: Yes, thank you.
Dan: Thank you for listening to this episode, please share it along with our apps and timidly us. And just between us with their married friends. I promise they will thank you for life. If you want a more meaningful sexual and intimate connection in your marriage, I invite you to check out my, get your marriage on program.
Over a hundred couples have said this program packs tremendous value and has helped their intimacy grow to the next level. Now go get your marriage on.
