In most long-term marriages, when it comes to desire for sex, there are typically two types of desire styles: responsive & spontaneous.
Here’s a quick, oversimplified description of both of them:
- Spontaneous = you’re typically “always” in the mood, or desire tends to come easily and readily. In spontaneous desire, the order goes desire -> arousal -> stimulation -> orgasm.
- Responsive = sexual desire doesn’t show up until there’s been some stimulation or arousal first. In contrast, the responsive style is stimulation -> desire -> arousal -> orgasm.
One is not better than the other. Both spontaneous and responsive desire styles are good for a marriage, and each pattern has its own super powers.
I wish I knew these things earlier on in my marriage. It would have saved me from a lot of relationship pain and wasted time and energy.
Today’s tip is for the spontaneous desire style person in your marriage:
Focus on creating contexts that facilitate arousal for your responsive style spouse. Your spouse likely needs more build-up and the right environment to become aroused. Discuss what contexts, activities, or types of touch in the past have been positive and inviting of desire. Learn from those experiences and be willing to experiment and adjust your approach.
Doing this can help you and your spouse to approach sex from a new point of view!
