Most couples think intimacy is about communication or affection, but there are actually two different types of intimacy operating beneath the surface of every marriage. Chances are, you’ve only been using one of them… and it’s the one that keeps you stuck.
In this episode, we break down the difference between other-validated intimacy and self-validated intimacy, and why shifting what type you develop can change everything about how you talk, connect, and experience sex in your marriage.
In this episode, we cover:
- What the two types of intimacy actually are
- Why one leads to emotional gridlock
- Why the other opens the door to deeper connection
- How validation (or lack of it) affects both emotional and sexual intimacy
- Real-life examples from couples who transformed their connection
- The spiritual root of self-validated intimacy
- How your emotional reactivity is shaping your marriage
- Five practical ways to build self-validated intimacy today
If you’ve ever wanted deeper conversation, more ease, or a more meaningful sexual connection, this episode will feel like a breath of fresh air.
Resources and Events:
- Apply for the next Get Your Marriage On! Program: getyourmarriageon.com/program
- In-Person Retreat April 2025 (We’re sold out, but you can apply to get on the waitlist!)
- NEW Get Your Marriage On! Cruise: October 2026
- Valentine’s Day Weekend Virtual Retreat
- Men’s and Women’s Only Cohorts starting in January! Stand by for more information coming soon!
Transcript
This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors or inaccuracies. For the most accurate and complete experience, we recommend listening to the full podcast episode.
Two Types of Intimacy in Marriage
Dan – May 2025: [00:00:00] She said, Dan, I opened up to him about how stressed I’ve been, but he just looked at his phone and said, yeah, we’re all stressed. I feel so rejected and hurt that I decided I’m never gonna be sharing anything deeply with him again.
Today we’re gonna talk about something that could completely transform your marriage, but it’s going to challenge everything you think you know about intimacy. I’m gonna share two different types of intimacy that exist in every relationship, and chances are you may have never heard of these two types before.
By the end of this episode, you’ll understand why one type of [00:01:00] intimacy keeps couples stuck in the emotional knots. While the other creates a kind of deep lasting connection, freedom, and capacity for love that you’ve been longing for. If you’ve ever felt like you’re walking on eggshells, when you try to share something important with your spouse that you probably know they’re not gonna like, or if you’ve noticed that the deeper conversations of your marriage have become fewer and far between, this episode is for you,
we’re going to do a deep dive into what real intimacy looks like, how validation plays an important role, and how it affects your approach towards sex. And I’ll give you some practical ways to start building it in your marriage today.
Before I move on, can I tell you that I’m excited to announce that we’ll be hosting a special virtual getaway for Valentine’s Day weekend in 2026.
You and your spouse will be able to get away. Join me virtually over zoom. Don’t worry, you won’t be on camera, and we’ll do a deep dive on all things intimacy, and I’ll give you a practice that will deepen intimacy and connection through an approach [00:02:00] towards sex you’ve probably never experienced before.
You and your spouse will walk away with more love for each other and tools to really build deeper and fun, intimate connections with each other no matter how long you’ve been married. All the details on our website at Get Your Marriage on.com, you click events and you’ll see it there. And speaking of events, did you hear that we’re organizing a special couples cruise.
We’re taking our retreat, to the sea. In fact, we decided to call it the intimacy where we spell C with SEA. So come cruise with us next year. It’s in October, 2026, and this special weeklong retreat is not only super romantic, but you and your spouse will be able to do a deep dive on all things intimacy with us.
You do need to apply though to come on or cruise. So, make sure you don’t delay even if you’re thinking about it. Go ahead and apply. You’ll find all those details on. Get your marriage on.com. You click events and you’ll see it there. We have sold out of our couples retreat coming up next April. [00:03:00] But if you’re still interested in possibly coming, you wanna get on the waiting list just in case we have a last minute cancellation.
So go ahead and while you’re at it, apply to come to our next, retreat in April. We’ll have our next in-person couples retreat in 2027, and I look forward to seeing you there.
A few weeks ago, I was having a bad day. It was one of those days where it feels like no matter how hard you’re trying, just nothing is quite working out. I tend to start beating myself up and things start to feel like a cold, cloudy, and rainy day in my soul. Have you had days like that? You know, I was just in a bad mood and on top of all that, I got a sneaking suspicion that someone in my community that I admire and who matters a lot to me.
Doesn’t like me. I had good evidence to think that this other person was avoiding me, and I could only conclude that our friendship was not what I thought it was. And as the day progressed, I got more and more worked up about this friend. I started thinking [00:04:00] through all the things I’ve done for this person and how they should actually like me more than they do.
And I was also replaying the conversations in my mind over and over to see if I could figure out where did our lines get crossed. Anyway, I went to bed stressed, and the next day my mind would not give up. I just kept thinking about how upset I was about this friend who was supposed to like me, who wasn’t liking me.
Now, if you’ve listened to my podcast for any length of time, you know, there’s this phrase I like to repeat often, and it is calm the heck down. And it’s also funny how easily I forget to take my own advice to calm the heck down. Anyway, I went on a long run, which is what I like to do, to clear my mind and to feed my soul.
So with one mile left before I returned home, the thought came to me. You know what? I’m letting this friend define who I am. Rather than let me define who I am and that was it. You see that other person had zero idea how much power I let them [00:05:00] have in my mood, right in my life.
Everything changed the moment I could see that I was running my life based on my perception of what someone else that mattered to me thought about me. In contrast, the moment I could let. That just be and step into a more solid place within myself that is to ask myself, who do I want to be in this situation?
Those knots became a lot looser and the brain fog started to lift. The premise of today’s podcast is this. There are two kinds of intimacy. We have what’s called other validated intimacy and self validated intimacy, and these are terms coined by Dr. David Starch. Other validated intimacy is normal and natural and is a great starting point for relationships.
But you can’t sustain a long-term marriage with other validated intimacy alone before it starts creating relationship knots. You need to learn to have self validated intimacy in order to grow more intimately. So let me start by telling you [00:06:00] about Sarah and Mike. They came to me after 15 years of marriage and Sarah said something that rings true.
And note, these aren’t the real voices. These are AI generated voices.
Sarah: Dan, we used to talk for hours when we were dating. Now I feel like we’re strangers living in the same house. Um, we talk about schedules and kids and bills, but we never really talk anymore. And when we try to have a deeper conversation, it always seems to go sideways.
Mike: Yeah, it’s like we’re both afraid to really say what we’re thinking.
I don’t wanna upset her, and I think she feels the same way about me. So we just keep everything surface level.
Sarah: Mike, I want you to be more romantic. I want you to take the lead more often when it comes to date nights. But I think I would be happier in this marriage if you do that.
Mike: Huh? Sarah? You’re right.
I wish you’d [00:07:00] initiate sex more often and be on your phone less than the bedroom.
Sarah: See how, I mean, Dan, we can’t really talk anymore. Maybe we need help with communication.
Dan – May 2025: Does this sound familiar? What Sarah and Mike were describing is incredibly common, isn’t it? And it happens because most couples get stuck in what we call other validated intimacy without ever learning how to develop self validated intimacy. Now, I know those terms probably sound like therapy jargon and whatever, so let me break this down in a way that really makes sense.
First, what do I mean by validation? Validation, by the way, is really good. Validation is a feeling that you’re light accepted and valued. Think about when a child comes running up to you with a crayon drawing they just made, and they’re bursting with excitement showing you their masterpiece, and they’re watching your face carefully to see your reaction.
So when you say to your child, oh wow, this is amazing. You’re such a good artist, that child lights up, right? You [00:08:00] know that positive response from you, that’s validation and you’re confirming that they’re a good person, that you like them, that they did well, and that they should feel proud for their efforts.
now, especially coming from a parent, validation is very healthy for the child. It’s also healthy for the parent to validate their children too.
Validation feels good and healthy. Marriages are generous with dishing out plenty of validating meanings. It’s the hey handsomes and the flirty pats on the bum. As you walk past each other. We all need validation. Sometimes it’s completely normal and healthy,
but here’s where it gets tricky in marriage, and something you probably didn’t realize when you said I do when you got married, and it is that your spouse isn’t always going to validate you all the time, especially when it comes to things that matter a lot to you. Even things that are very close to your soul, like sex,
it is because your spouse is a different person that sees the world differently, and thank goodness for those [00:09:00] differences, right? Because the fact that they’re even the opposite of you in some ways is what attracted you to them in the first place. Not getting validation, especially for things that matter a lot to you, can be especially painful in marriage.
I talked to a man who’s in a lot of pain, whose wife refuses to be curious or show interest in his sexual desires and fantasies. I’ve talked to a wife who’s in pain whose husband won’t give her compliments in public, which would mean so much to her. There are couples that have opposite love languages, so to speak, and it’s painful when the love they want isn’t generously offered, even though they’re trying to dish out love in their spouse’s love language in return.
I’m not immune to other validated intimacy even in my own marriage. In fact, in preparation for this podcast episode, I reached out to my wife Emily and asked her. Has there ever been a time that you’ve seen me be other validated in our marriage and, ’cause you know, maybe [00:10:00] there’s been one or two times.
Anyway, she texted back a really long list of times she’s seen me being other validated, and I gotta tell you, it was not fun to read. She said things like, um, like after sex, I’d ask her how did it go? But she knows. What I’m really asking is, how was I, was I a good lover? She can track my motivation behind the question.
Really, I’m looking for her to tell me what I want to hear, how good of a lover I was in sex. Another, uh, she mentioned is she says this, you touching me as a way to get me to want to engage so that you feel good about yourself.
Right? Definitely guilty of that. She says this too. I sense your other validation present when you are about to leave on a trip or just getting back from one as though it’s gonna be our last time and there’s a neediness with it. Similarly, when we’re on a getaway, like we need to fill up a map of places we’ve done it or something.
All right. Guilty. Yep. Another one my view of [00:11:00] myself sexually was highly dependent on Emily’s ability to climax. we track sex on the calendar. So she had a climax that meant I was a good lover, I was having a good day. If she didn’t climax, I was a bad lover and therefore I was having a bad day. okay. I won’t read anymore ’cause they’re really painful for me to read.
But you get the idea. this is what happens in real marriages. We have a lot of other validated intimacy. I.
So what do you do when your spouse doesn’t validate you, even when you’re certain your way is better? So this is where we get to talk about other validated intimacy for a moment. Other validated intimacy is a default in most marriages, including mine. By the way, other validated intimacy is built on the idea of reciprocity.
If I show you love, you show me love and return, and that’s how we learn to trust each other and be more closer intimately, or that’s how the thought goes. Other validated intimacy happens when I share [00:12:00] something personal with you deep down, I’m really hoping, maybe even expecting that you’re gonna respond in a specific way.
It’s like I’m saying I’ll show you my heart, but only if you promise to be gentle with it and tell me what I wanna hear in return turn. Here’s what this might sound like in real life, honey. I want to share something important to you, but I need to know that you’re going to be supportive and not judge me before I share it with you, or I’ll tell you what’s really going on with me, but only if you’ll share something vulnerable with me too in response.
Now you go first.
Now, this isn’t necessarily bad, right? Other validated intimacy feels really good when it works. It’s like that warm fuzzy feeling you get when someone really gets you and responds exactly the way you hope they would. The problem is it’s completely dependent on your spouse’s response. Like the story of me that I told you about from a few weeks ago where I was, with that friend, I was [00:13:00] enmeshed with my thoughts about that friend about.
What I thought they thought of me. I was completely dependent on my perception of what that friend thought of me. and that was dictating my mood and my own sense of self in that, let me illustrate with another client story. Jennifer told me about a conversation she had with her husband Tom, about feeling overwhelmed with work and parenting.
She said, Dan, I opened up to him about how stressed I’ve been, but he just looked at his phone and said, yeah, we’re all stressed. I feel so rejected and hurt that I decided I’m never gonna be sharing anything deeply with him again. Do you see just what happened there? Jennifer’s attempt at intimacy was completely dependent on Tom’s response when he didn’t validate her feelings the way she needed him to, she shut down.
That’s other validated intimacy in action. Here’s a thing about other validated intimacy, and it’s crucial to understand. The person who wants [00:14:00] intimacy the least in a relationship, actually controls how much intimacy happens in the relationship. Think about that for a minute. If I’m only willing to be vulnerable when I know you’ll respond well in a way I like, then I’m gonna respond less and less and less. ’cause I don’t wanna take the risk of being invalidated. In other words, the person with the least desire to share or disclose or be vulnerable in the relationship has the power, has the control of how deep conversations go or how intimate things go.
Even in sex. In fact, sex is a good example of this. In a marriage, the person that’s the least interested to be sexually intimate controls the frequency of sex. You can’t have sex and not have sex at the same time. Right? Or say one person wants to have a specific sexual behavior, say oral sex and the other doesn’t.
You can’t have oral sex and not have it at the same time in the marriage. So this is what creates what’s called an emotional gridlock. Gridlock is when you can’t have your cake [00:15:00] and eat it too as a result. Both spouses will start editing what they share. They start managing each other’s emotions as a way of avoiding the hurt of invalidation.
They stop saying the hard things, the real things, the true things that matter most because they’re realizing they’re not getting the response they want. They’re not getting the reciprocity that they expected or demand. Sarah and Mike, the first couple you heard earlier in this episode, were completely stuck in this pattern.
Sarah told me, I’ve stopped telling him when I’m struggling because he either tries to fix it immediately or gets defensive like it’s his fault. So now I just pretend everything’s fine. And Mike said I don’t share my work stress with her anymore because she takes it personally and thinks I don’t want to spend time with the family.
Now this couple, Sarah and Mike, they’re both walking on eggshells, so to speak. It feels like they’re trying to manage each other’s emotions instead of being honest and real about their own experience. Now let me tell [00:16:00] you about self validated intimacy, and this is where things get really interesting.
Back to the story of my bad day and my friend, I shifted from other validated to self validated intimacy when I made the decision to define my experience by what I thought of myself and less by the perceptions of what my friend thought of me. Psychologically speaking, self validated intimacy is the ability to, for one, to stand on their own two feet instead of relying so much on what others think of you.
Self validated intimacy is when I share something important with you without needing you to respond in a particular way. I’m not sharing it to get validation from you. I’m sharing it because I want you to know me, period. This is easier said than done, by the way, especially to people that matter a lot to you.
This might sound like honey, I want to share something with you. I don’t need you to fix it or even agree with me. I just want you to know what’s going on in my heart because I love [00:17:00] you and I want you to know me. I wanna be really clear.
Being able to self validate isn’t a formula or a strategy to get your spouse to change her mind or his mind, or to validate you in your marriage. Rather, it’s a decision to bring more authenticity and intimacy to a relationship because it’s the right thing to do. It’s the only way to actually really love another person well, when you can love them for all of them, even if they don’t completely validate you all the time.
Here’s a beautiful example from scripture that illustrates self validated intimacy. Think about Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. He goes to his disciples and says, my soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here with me and keep watch with me. Now, Jesus wasn’t asking his disciples to make him feel better or to solve this problem.
He was facing something they couldn’t fix. His upcoming crucifixion. He was sharing his deepest anguish, not because he needed them to [00:18:00] validate his feelings, but because he wanted them to know what he was experiencing in the moment. He was inviting them into his inner world without demanding that they make it better.
And what happened? His disciples fell asleep. They couldn’t even stay awake with him during his darkest hour. But notice Jesus didn’t shut down. He didn’t say, well, I’m never being vulnerable with you guys ever again. he continued to be honest about his experience because the intimacy wasn’t dependent on their response. That is self validated intimacy. Self validated intimacy requires what we call a solid, flexible sense of self. It means I know who I am independent of your response to me. I can share my heart with you even if you disagree with me, even if you’re not ready to hear it, even if it makes you uncomfortable, because my sense of worth doesn’t depend on your emotional reaction.
It doesn’t mean I’m [00:19:00] callous and your reaction doesn’t matter.
In fact, it does matter to me. It’s just that I’m better able to soothe myself and still be me because sharing this with you is the right thing to do. It’s in line with my personal integrity. This is where emotional and spiritual maturity come together in self validated intimacy.
I’m taking full responsibility for my own emotional regulation. I’m not making you responsible for managing my feelings or making me feel secure. I’m able to provide that for myself. So let me tell you what happened when I taught Sarah and Mike about this distinction.
Sarah: Oh my gosh. I can see exactly what we’ve been doing. We’ve been holding each other hostage with our need for the other to validate us. No wonder we stop talking about real things.
Mike: It’s like we’ve been playing this game where we’ll only be vulnerable if the other person plays by a rules. That’s not intimacy.
That’s emotional manipulation,
Sarah: honey. I want you [00:20:00] to know when I’m having a hard time with you, as well as when I’m really happy with you too.
Yeah.
I’m not asking you to do anything about it. I just want you to know what’s happening in my world because I love you and I realize you can’t really love someone you don’t know.
So I want you to know me. Even if it isn’t validating.
Dan, this feels more real because it’s like we’re inviting each other to be more honest and authentic, but I gotta say. It’s still scary for me because I’m afraid I’m going to hurt my wife if I really open up.
I guess you can be hurt by trying to tiptoe around our issues or be hurt by trying to address them.
Yeah.
Either way it hurts, but I guess you choose what kind of hard you want. I think the latter is more authentic and well intimate. I want that.
Me too.
Dan – May 2025: And Mike started being honest about his work stress and his fears about providing for the family not to get sympathy or solutions, [00:21:00] but to simply let Sarah in into his inner world.
here’s what’s beautiful about self validated intimacy. It actually creates safety in the relationship that makes validation easier.
Think of the peace that comes from knowing that your spouse will deal honestly with you and that, they’ll be able to share whatever it is they need to without falling apart or trying to control you or control your experience. But here’s the thing that most people miss. Self validated intimacy often happens when you and your spouse are out of sync.
It’s not about both of you trying to be on the same emotional place all the time. That’s not real life. It’s about being willing to speak truthfully to your experience, even when your spouse isn’t going to necessarily validate you.
Let me be clear. This isn’t permission to be indulgent and share whatever’s on your mind without tact. That’s not loving, that’s abusive. Think about it this way. Instead, if you recall, other validated [00:22:00] intimacy is like a child showing their parents a drawing and saying, I want you to show you this, but only if you promise it’s the best one ever.
The child’s sense of self-worth depends on the parent’s response. Self validated intimacy is like a mature artist displaying their work, knowing it expresses what’s inside of them, regardless of whether the audience applauds or criticizes. They’re confident in their self-worth, and don’t depend necessarily on the viewer’s approval to validate the artwork or themselves of.
Now you might be thinking, Dan, this sounds cold. Doesn’t my spouse’s response matter at all? Of course it matters. We’re not talking about being emotionally disconnected. We’re talking about being emotionally mature. This is the skill of maintaining an emotional connection in the face of the reality of everyday living, even when that means you may not be validated.
The goal here isn’t to stop caring about your spouse’s response. In order to not let it matter more, [00:23:00] it’s to stop being controlled by their response. It’s about reducing your own emotional reactivity to their emotional reactions. Here’s another way to think about it. Ask yourself about what your motivation is behind what you’re sharing in other validated intimacy.
The motivation is I’m sharing my heart to get something from you on extract, validation, acceptance agreement, but in self validated intimacy, the motivation’s different. It’s I’m sharing my heart to give something to you knowledge of who I am. And access to my inner world, or I want to know who you are.
Even if there’s things about you I might discover that I might not like that I might not be able to validate. I’m still willing to push myself to really know you. Let me share one more client example. David came to me struggling with his marriage to Lisa. He said this.
David: Dan, I can’t [00:24:00] talk to her about my desire to make sex more playful and fun. Just the mere mention of wanting something different from our vanilla sex. She gets overwhelmed and shuts down. I hate it when she shuts down and I don’t think it’s good for our relationship. So I decided the right thing is to stop bringing it up and try to be happy with the way things are.
Dan – May 2025: So I asked him, David, hypothetically, if you were to share what you just shared with me to Lisa, what are you hoping will happen? He thought for a moment and said,
David: I guess I want her to not shut down, not think I’m a pervert or hedonist or something, and maybe even comfort me and tell me that my ideas are good ideas and that she’ll actually show interest in it.
Dan – May 2025: So you’re sharing your feelings to get something from her that feels more like reinforcement. What if you shared your feelings simply because you want her to know you?
but she’ll shut down
Dan – May 2025: [00:25:00] she might, but you treat her like she’s fragile and can’t tolerate really knowing you. Why do you think she shuts down?
David: to end the conversation.
Dan – May 2025: Why would she want to end a conversation about what’s important to you?
This was a game changer for David. He started approaching conversations from a different place with a different motivation. Instead saying things like, Lisa, I need to talk to you about something and I need you to really listen and be supportive.
He began by saying, Lisa, I to share something with you, you don’t need to fix it or even respond if you’re not ready. I just want you to know what’s really going on with me because I love you. The motivation was completely different. Lisa didn’t feel like she had to perform or respond perfectly. She didn’t feel controlled in the conversations.
And paradoxically, this made her more willing to engage, not less. Here’s what I want you to understand about the spiritual dimension of this. Self validated intimacy is actually a form of faith. It’s trusting [00:26:00] that being known is more important than being validated. It’s believing that truth and authenticity have value independent of how they’re received.
And this is exactly what Jesus modeled for us. He shared truth, not because people always received it well, in fact, they often didn’t. But because truth has inherent value, he was willing to be misunderstood, rejected, even crucified, rather compromise his authentic self. In marriage, self validated intimacy allows you to be fully yourself with your spouse, which creates the possibility for them to fall in love with who you actually are, not just the version of you that you think they want to see, or only the parts of you that you want to show them while hiding everything else.
Now that is real intimacy. It’s into me see intimacy. Now let me be practical about how to start developing self validated intimacy in your marriage. First, start with yourself. Take my advice and learn how to [00:27:00] calm the heck down. Learning how to settle yourself down and find your own center is a skill.
It’s a black belt move that makes deep intimacy possible. Second start small. You don’t have to share your deepest, darkest secrets right out the gate. Practice sharing something true about your experience without trying to manage your spouse’s response, while maintaining the emotional connection, that’s vital.
For example, instead of saying, honey, I had a terrible day, and I really need you to listen, be supportive. You can say, I want to share about my day with you. You don’t need to fix anything. I just want you to know what happened because sharing my life with you makes it more meaningful. Third practice self-soothing.
When your spouse doesn’t respond the way you hoped, instead of shutting down or getting reactive, take a deep breath and remind yourself. Their response doesn’t determine the value of what I shared. I shared it because I want them to know me, and that goal was accomplished regardless of how they responded.
Fourth, get [00:28:00] curious about your own motives before you start to share something vulnerable about yourself. Ask, am I sharing this to get something from my spouse, or am I sharing this to give them access to who I am? Both motives are normal and human, but being honest about your motivation will help you approach the conversation differently.
And finally fifth, monitor your own emotional reactivity. When your spouse shares something that might otherwise trigger you, let your spouse be different from you. Let him or her have his or her own viewpoints and his or her own experience independent of yours.
When your spouse shares something with you and says, you don’t need to fix this or respond in any particular way, believe them. You don’t have to perform, just listen and receive that gift of being let in into their inner world. So here’s what happened to Sarah and Mike after they started practicing these principles that I just shared with you.
This is what Sarah and Mike said.
Sarah: Our conversations have completely changed. I can [00:29:00] tell Mike things now without feeling like I’m walking into a minefield, and when he shares with me, I don’t feel this crushing pressure to say the perfect thing.
Mike: It’s like we’re finally getting to know each other as adults instead of just managing each other’s emotions.
And the crazy thing is now that neither of us needs the other person to respond perfectly. We’re both much more willing to respond with love and support
Dan – May 2025: That’s the paradox of self validated intimacy. When you stop needing validation, you often receive more of it. When you stop managing your spouse’s response, they feel safer to respond authentically. When you share your heart as a gift rather than a demand, it’s more likely to be received as a gift. As you can imagine, the quality of the sexual relationship between a couple is far more real, far more moving, far more transcendent.
When you practice self validated intimacy, it’s because you’re able to really take in each other physically and emotionally. Okay, [00:30:00] now I want to address something important. Developing self validated intimacy doesn’t happen overnight. It requires growing up emotionally and spiritually. It’s a lifelong quest.
It requires developing what we call differentiation. That’s a solid, flexible sense of self. That doesn’t depend on others’ people’s responses, and this is hard work my friends. It goes against our natural instincts to seek validation and manage other people’s reaction. But it’s the work that transforms marriages from good to extraordinary.
Let me leave you with this thought. Jesus said, come unto me all you who are weary and burdened, and I’ll give you rest. Notice, he didn’t say, come to me only if you’re ready to respond perfectly or come to me only if you can validate my feelings. He offered himself without conditions knowing that some would receive him and others would reject him.
Now, that’s the kind of intimacy that changes everything when we offer ourselves to our spouse not to [00:31:00] get something. But to give something when we share our hearts, not because we need validation, but because we want to know them and we want to be known by them.
So here’s my challenge for you this week. Pick one thing, just one that you’ve been wanting to share with your spouse, but haven’t because you’re afraid of how they might respond. Practice self validated intimacy. Share it as a gift, not a demand. Let them into your world without requiring them to validate your experience.
And if your spouse shares something vulnerable with you this week, and your urge is to react or to correct or to justify, resist that urge. Instead of creating disconnection, see if you can self-soothe and stay emotional connection. And one way to view it is receive this as a gift of being trusted with your spouse’s inner world.
Now if this episode had stirred something in you and you recognize that you and your spouse need help developing this kind of mature intimacy, that’s exactly what we help couples do in our coaching [00:32:00] programs and that our marriage retreats, we don’t just teach the techniques. We’re at your side. We’re doing the work alongside you to help you develop the deep, emotional, spiritual work that intimacy and marriage requires so they can love each other from a place of strength.
Rather than neediness. You can find all these details at Get Your Marriage on.com/program. And as always, thank you for listening to this podcast. Share it with your married friends. They’ll thank you for life and now go get your marriage on.
