What’s the difference between pursuing your spouse and pressuring them, and why does it matter so much for desire, attraction, and connection?
In this episode, Dan joins Sean on the Dad Improvement Podcast for an honest conversation about what actually creates passion in marriage, and what quietly kills it.
You’ll hear why emotional connection must come before sexual connection, how pressure can either destroy attraction or build it (depending on how it’s expressed), and why pretending everything is fine does more damage than honesty ever could.
This episode is especially for husbands who want more intimacy but don’t want to become needy, entitled, or emotionally disconnected in the process — and for couples navigating desire differences without resentment.
Stick around to the end, because now it’s time for Dan to share his black belt sex tip!
Resources and Events
- Valentine’s Day Weekend Virtual Retreat
- Men’s Only and Women’s Only Cohorts (starting end of January): https://getyourmarriageon.com/events/
- Intimately Us & Just Between Us apps: https://getyourmarriageon.com/our-apps/
- NEW Get Your Marriage On! Cruise: October 2026
Transcript
This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors or inaccuracies. For the most accurate and complete experience, we recommend listening to the full podcast episode.
Episode 282
Dan: [00:00:00] she’s like, I know you wanna have sex with me, but I don’t know if you wanna have sex with me or you wanna have sex with me.
Sean: Yeah.
Dan: And what she was saying is like, I’m, I’m glad I’m your legal and like your defect, uh, your legitimate outlet
Sean: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Dan: right? Um, because I’m convenient and I’m married to you and that’s the obligation. is it ’cause you like me and you wanna have sex with me? There’s a very different meaning involved.
Dan (2): ever wonder why sex sometimes feel [00:01:00] connecting and other times feel empty even when you do the same things? Or what’s the difference between a healthy sexual pursuit and pressure that kills attraction? And is it always bad? Do pressure your spouse. Why do desire differences exist in marriage anyway?
And can they actually make passion stronger rather than weaker? And why does pretending everything’s fine destroy intimacy in your marriage? And what’s the one thing that emotionally strong couples do differently when they’re not getting what they want sexually in their marriage? Recently, my friend Sean from the Dad Improvement podcast, and I had a deep, honest conversation about what really creates great intimacy in marriage. We’re gonna talk about how emotional connection and communication are the foundation for great sex, not just positions and good technique and routines, although that matters too.
We dive into how sexual desire differences show up in every marriage. The kind of pressure that kills passion [00:02:00] and the kind of pressure that actually builds passion and how to know the difference. We’ll also talk about how to pursue your spouse in a way that actually makes ’em feel wanted instead of just being managed.
If you’ve ever felt stuck between wanting more intimacy and not knowing how to ask for it in a way that brings you closer, this conversation will change how you see your relationship. And be sure to listen to the end. You’ll get to hear my black belt sex tip.
Speaking of which, did you know that we’ve organized our first Get Your Marriage on Cruise? We sailed this October from Galveston, Texas to the Western Caribbean for a romantic and transformative vacation. Together,
we’ve rented a small conference room on board, and we’ll have short but powerful sessions on the days we’re out at sea. That will inspire you to go deeper, intimately, and sexually with your spouse. And as part of the theme of this special Get Your Marriage on Cruise, we’ve invited Lindsay Burns, a famous Boor photographer to take your private or couple boor photos together while on board. It’s gonna be a great [00:03:00] experience. You’ll find all the details and you can apply for free at get Your Marriage on.com/events.
One more event I wanna tell you about
over Valentine’s Day, we’re hosting a virtual getaway. Think of it like a mini version of our marriage retreats, but you get to join us virtually, Emily and I will be teaching a sexual practice that puts heart and soul into your sexual encounters, transforming your sexual encounters to be a truly lovemaking experience, to bless her marriage and her life.
It’s inexpensive, and if you can’t join us live, you can register anyway. Get access to the recordings up to 90 days after, so you can do your own retreat sometime thereafter. You’ll find all of those details also@getyourmaryjo.com slash events.
Now let’s talk about pressure versus passion and how to pursue your spouse for a deeper erotic connection.
Sean: Hey Dan, welcome to Dad Improvement.
Dan: Hey, I’m happy to be here. Thanks.
Sean: Excellent.
First and foremost, I am super excited to have you [00:04:00] here because of your app that you have created, which I tell literally everybody who listens to this podcast about you are the creator of the Intimately US app.
Dan: Yes, Uhhuh, my wife and I are yes, Uhhuh.
Sean: That is fantastic. So you have to tell me the story of this. So how did your wife and yourself come up with the idea for intimately us and. Obviously it must have changed your marriage, but how much for the better has it changed your own marriage?
Dan: Right. Well, funny you should say that. If you were to tell me years ago that I’d be on a podcast talking about intimacy, let alone like anything like this, I would not believe you because I’m the last person on the planet that I thought would be interested in any of this. my wife and I, we both come from good families, but conservative Christian upbringing where sex wasn’t talked a lot in the home. isn’t an uncommon experience, but, unwittingly we had inherited a lot of anxiety about sex into our marriage, but we didn’t [00:05:00] just, we just didn’t know any different,
And, fast forward a few years, Uh, it wasn’t that fulfilling, but we didn’t have the language. We didn’t know how to like express that to each other. It was just, well, we don’t talk about it because talking about sex, even in our own marriage, was so anxious we both kind of avoid the topic.
So we started with some books. We got some books, found some podcasts, found some blogs online, and just started self-education really. And within a few months, our communication was better.
Our bond was stronger, like. We’re raising the kids together better. Our health is improving. and The change was so profound. Our marriage just felt so different. It was a good marriage before, but it just took on a whole nother level, whole nother level layer of meaning.
Excitement and fun and freedom and creative expression. And I wanted to share that with the world, but I didn’t know how. I have this background in software development, like I’m gonna [00:06:00] make an app. I know how to make an app. So the app is kind of like the outgrowth of what. Of what I had learned and learning, and I wanted to share that, but let’s make it fun.
and I didn’t want anything raunchy. I didn’t want anything crass, but I didn’t want anything lame either. So trying to navigate that and into that. So I think the app is unique because if you search on the app store for sex games, you’ll find them. But A lot of them try to push the envelope of, of what the app store will even approve.
Like they’re really right there on the edge. . So, anyway, I think that’s one of the things that really distinguished intimately us from everything else, is kind of that approach to.
Sean: Yeah, I agree. I think you’ve, definitely threaded the needle on that voice. It’s like, it’s not lame. It’s not like you open up and you go hold hands today. Like, yeah, okay. Sometimes it does say like, Hey, get, get your wife some flowers. Get, get something like this. And then you open up one day and it’s like, Hey, do a, a nice strip tease for us.
And you’re like, whoa, all right. Hey, why not? [00:07:00] It said to, you know, so, so it. It’s the app. It’s the app. I get it. I get it. But it’s, it’s nice ’cause it does, it opens up those conversations and, and you’re saying it’s a, it’s a lot of communication like it is. Really what it boils down to is, is communication.
And when you are communicating about sex and intimacy, your marriage could be well and good, but now you take it to that next level of great. It just gets that much better. So what communication patterns do you see, most often in marriages that can erode that connection in a marriage?
Dan: great question. So um, my specialty is in sexual intimacy specifically. So let’s talk about sexual communication that. Is present or not present. It kind of erodes the intimacy of the relationship.
One thing I’ve learned is you’re always communicating.
It’s impossible not to communicate something like even Sean, if I like folded my [00:08:00] arms and looked away and wasn’t talking to you, I’m still communicating something
Sean: Right. Yep.
Dan: So It’s not just your words is, it’s like who you are always communicates. Another thing I’ve learned as I study intimacy in marriage more and more is after you’ve been married a while, just the way our brains are, the human brain is very, very good at picking up on the minds of other people around us.
if you think about it this way, as a child, you needed to know your parents’ minds so you, uh, can behave properly or know you can predict their behavior. If I do this, dad’s gonna get upset. If I do this, uh, my mom will smile at me. Whatever. Right? You become, experts at understanding or mapping the minds of those around us.
We’re also equally expert at learning how to guard our minds from other ones or, uh, shield our mind from someone. Like if I don’t want [00:09:00] my wife to know something about what I’m thinking about, I can also cloak like we’re good at that. We call it masking. You can mask your mind, you can also reveal your mind.
We’re always picking up on the minds of those around us. The longer you’ve been married to the same person, you get very good at being attuned to their mind. You pretty much can guess what they’re about to do in their behavior. You can get really good at that because you know how to map their mind for certain situations and things like that.
If I come home with flowers, I’m pretty good at predicting how my wife is gonna respond to that because I know her mind about What meanings are involved with me bringing home flowers, for example. I talked to another, couple. He, was unloading the dishwasher or loading the dishwasher, something like that.
And, uh, his wife made a comment like, I just so appreciate you helping in the kitchen. And he made it to mean that, He is [00:10:00] just not good enough. And here he is trying and she’s like, atta boy. Like there like, you know, like patting his head, like, she’s just trying to encourage him to like, ’cause she wants him to help more in the kitchen than he has.
So she’s trying positive reinforcement on him and uh,
Sean: like, oh, thanks for making your bed. That’s so great. Yeah. Okay.
Dan: what he like. That’s how he’s like, that’s what it’s, and like if you looked at just the transcript of what was said, you wouldn’t pick that up. But He knows his wife’s mind. And we’re really good at picking up on the little nuances of things with the people we’re married to because our brains are highly attuned, is it’s a survival mechanism, what we do.
So. The thing is we’re always communicating something and you cannot not communicate and who you are communicates. So if you wanna improve intimacy in your relationship, it’s not about, give me the [00:11:00] script of what to say. It’s not about, I shouldn’t say this to my spouse. So they wouldn’t think that like, it’s, it’s not about a list of things to do or not do.
It’s not about I statements or, you know, you hear about that. You can read books about like, when you load the dishwasher, I feel happy. Those are I statements, right? Or, uh, when you leave your shoes out, I get frustrated instead of like, why you’re always leaving your shoes out. Yes, you can help with skill around that.
Ultimately you can still communicate contempt, you can still communicate dislike, or you can communicate love and adoration, using or not using I statements. So it’s is really the who you are that matters. But once you understand that, then I think your interactions will change. ’cause you really, there’s no hiding anymore in marriage.
You, you don’t hide. you just gotta. Be who it is that you want to be in that interaction.
Sean: Oh yeah, like, that makes sense. That definitely makes [00:12:00] sense. You’re always communicating, so make sure that you’re communicating the right thing.
Dan: Mm-hmm. It’s just be honest, be straight with people. They, they like that. Even if you are having a bad day, I think in general for intimacy, and let’s say your, your spouse is very reactive to you having a bad day, like their walls go up and whatever, so you’re like, okay, I won’t tell her I had a bad day, but.
That’s like mind masking, right? I’m not gonna communicate that. We also don’t trust maskers. So if your spouse is always, no, that was great. Things are fine. Things are fine. They
Sean: If they
Dan: can, they can tell something’s off. They can tell that you’re masking. You may not know the content of what you’re masking, but they can tell that you are masking
Sean: Mm-hmm.
Dan: and that will interfere with your ability to trust.
Like do you know friends like that or people you know, like I had a friend in high school, he thought it was a virtue to always be more interested in other people than, be interested in [00:13:00] himself, which I think has come from like, um, how to win friends and influence people
Sean: Right.
Dan: like that principle, but taken up a few nas, right?
So he’ll never talk about himself, never be himself. He is always like stirring the conversation to you.
Sean: Hmm.
Dan: The hard thing about that kind of a friend. He might make me feel good at the moment, but I don’t know him.
Sean: Right.
Dan: can’t know him, and then I can’t really trust him. So sometimes it’s the lack of communication, even though if you’re afraid, what you’re gonna say is gonna disrupt the other person, the masking of itself interferes with their ability to really know you, and that’s not intimate.
So learning how to just be more straight and be more honest. Of course, don’t be a jerk. Always be kind. But
Sean: Yes, to an extent.
Dan: is really important. Things like that too. But yeah, if we’re gonna be intimate, that means to let someone in. You have to [00:14:00] allow them in. And also a willingness to, to know and to go towards them to.
Sean: Yeah, that absolutely makes sense.
So I can see that that would. Make a massive difference. Just walk through the door. Hey, I had a bad day. Work was atrocious. And uh, I’m not mad at you guys. I know I’m coming off as a little bit mad and aggravated, but nothing you guys did. I’m just gimme a couple minutes on the couch here while I de-stress.
Dan: Yeah, that might be really good for the relationship.
Sean: Yeah, yeah. Just be a little bit more open and honest and communicate it. It’s gotta be just the theme of everything that you do is just always, communication is just like the flow of communication. As long as it’s going, the marriage is getting stronger, it’s getting better, it’s getting more intimate. You are able to be more vulnerable with each other.
Dan: Yeah, absolutely.
Sean: So now that we know that communication is definitely the, the key, main driving factor here, what are the biggest misconceptions that, dads have about building emotional [00:15:00] intimacy with their wives?
Dan: This also is related to communication too. A lot of men in our culture are socialized, not to be emotional.
Sean: Yeah.
Dan: And I, I think, there’s something about healthy masculinity that has the ability to like really manage emotions in the moment. Let’s say the house is burning down. Now’s not a time to.
Really get super attached or emotional or something, you, you jump into action and you’re gonna go save lives or you’re gonna go like, do what’s needed in that moment. Like, and that’s a strong masculine trait. Not saying strong feminine doesn’t have their version of that too, but there is value to being able to like, know now’s not the time to feel.
Now’s the time to go. It’s go time.
Sean: right.
Dan: And men. Tend to be really, uh, tend emotional, meaning they’re irresponsible with their emotional, [00:16:00] or they, they can’t control their emotions very well or express them in constructive ways. They, they get beat up far more than women who do the same behavior just in our culture.
Like, it’s okay for a woman to cry because her shoes don’t match, but it’s not okay for a guy to cry if his shoes don’t match, and he’s put out about it. Like they’re both irresponsible reactions to it. But culture is more harsh on men’s, uh, emotional reactivity than that.
Sean: Right.
Dan: So I think the pendulum swings the other way where, as a strategy, they learn how to cut off emotional.
They learn how to stop being in tune with feeling
Sean: Hmm.
Dan: and understanding their internal processes sufficiently. so you might look really stoic on the outside. But it’s really hard for a person to know you when you’ve cut off, emotional feeling or you limit the emotions you express to just a few.
Like anger. [00:17:00] Anger is culturally acceptable for men. Horniness is
Sean: Yep.
Dan: right. And maybe if maybe one or two others, But other, other powerful emotions that connect people like, uh, fear, I’m afraid right now, like men aren’t allowed to be afraid, but sometimes we’re afraid and it’s okay. Like in the right setting, in the right time or discussed or, just.
Gamut of emotions. Now, if you wanna have a more connected sexual relationship, it’s not about the positions you do in bed, although those are really fun. You can try a lot of different positions. It’s not about initiating the right way, it’s not about buying toys or not used to. I mean, those are all fun and great, but if you want real connection in sex, it has to start with a emotional connection first.
You can’t extract connection outta sex. You connect first emotionally, and then you let the [00:18:00] connection organically drive the sexual expression. From there,
Sean: Interesting. Okay. I’ve never heard it, explained that way. So you can’t, uh, you can’t
Dan: extract
Sean: extract, connection out of sex. Okay. That is like a great visual representation of like what the difference is between just having sex versus having. Connected, intimate, vulnerable sex with somebody that all of a sudden it’s different.
Like one night it’s one way, and another night it’s another way. What was the difference? We did the same thing. It was the same routine. Why was this one so different?
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Sean: That makes sense. It started with the connection. Mm-hmm.
Dan: Yeah, chances are it start with a, you’re both a little more relaxed. If you think about fours, just a second. You don’t have to say it out loud, but think about your best sexual experiences you’ve ever had, your favorite ones. I bet there’s a little bit of spontaneity in some of it, like it wasn’t [00:19:00] planned or like scripted.
And it also started with a place of maybe a little more relaxed. But I think one theme is there was a deeper level of emotional connection that was like the, the seed of it and It went from there. And after Daniel, you’re like, that sex was so connecting and it was because you followed the connection through to the end of that sexual experience.
I think sometimes the mistake we make is I feel connected in sex. Which is true. You can feel connected in sex. You can feel disconnected in sex too. But I feel connected sex and I wanna connect with my wife, so let’s have sex, and then I’ll feel more connected. And that strategy doesn’t always pan out and work because, you can’t just have sex.
Hoping connection will show up as a result. ‘Cause you’ll be missing each other in the whole experience. It’s not, it won’t be an intimate sharing of souls.
Sean: [00:20:00] Yeah. The work is never done. It’s almost like you bought the nails and the two by fours and hoped that a shed would be built by the time you got home. Like, well, no, you gotta put in the work also, you can’t just, you can’t just get the materials. You know?
Dan: Right. Uh.
Sean: That definitely makes sense. So,
Dan: Connecting. Emotional doesn’t mean you have to be very verbal, you don’t have to like be so good at words. That’s not real emotion. That’s just you know how to use words well, and you’re very expressive that way. But you can connect with your heart. You can connect with your body, like the way you touch, communicates thousands, time more than just words alone.
Like the way you hold, the way you smile, the way you regard each other alone. Is a very powerful language that’s not verbal. and men are very good at that. And like, I want you, I like, like to your wife, right? I want you, I find you so hot and compelling. I am turned on by you and you don’t even know it like that.
That is a very [00:21:00] strong, usually a very positive meaning. And that’s. Sometimes not. Not a word is spoken. And that’s what I mean by emotional connection too. There is an element of like, I see you and I’m telling you that I like you, and it doesn’t have to be in words.
Sean: If that all makes sense. Alright, so that, again, it comes back to that connection and communication, whether it be verbal or physical or anything. Of the above is just a matter of how you are communicating with your spouse and how they’re receiving it, and whether you’re being vulnerable and open with them and truthful with them.
It all comes back to communication.
Dan: Yeah, I think so. That’s good.
Sean: I, I, I wish it was more than that. I, I swear I’ve done over a hundred episodes of this podcast and it all, like in the list of things that, about anything, finances, raising kids, intimacy. One of the things in the list is always communication. Like [00:22:00] you just gotta talk about it. So now that we know it’s connection and communication, and that’s what makes for great intimacy, What is something if you have a, a husband and wife who are kind of, veering away from each other a little bit right now, what’s something, some sort of a habit that you would have, somebody do.
Starting today to, to get back on the right track. I mean, I, I’m pretty sure it’s just the intimately US app, because anytime I start to feel like, wow, I feel really distant, oh, I haven’t done that in like a week. Of course. Yeah. Let me open that real quick and check out what today’s, what today’s task is, you know, but um, yeah.
Is it just that, is it just small things consistently?
Dan: Yeah, consistency is so important. I live near the Grand Canyon. It’s the biggest canyon on earth.
Sean: Very cool.
Dan: if you’ve ever seen, it’s, it’s, it’s massive. It’s, it’s pretty amazing. It’s a wonder. It’s all carved by water, consistent [00:23:00] little bit of water consistently over time,
Sean: Yeah.
Dan: and it forms something majestic and beautiful.
I think marriage is the same way, consistent, small, little bit over time. another bit of advice that’s been helpful for me is just take life on life’s terms and just be realistic. Like, Hey, it is a busy season. Yeah, of course it’s gonna be hard, but how you react to it matters. Like so you’re gonna get all bent outta shape about it and feel like you’re entitled to something or you’re just going to, okay, I just need to be a little flexible here.
can you maintain a cent like your center in that busyness? I did a lot of martial arts as a child and as a teen, and there’s something about just staying centered. It helps you stay focused and helps you stay sharp, right? It’s, it’s when you get too flustered or you get off center.
You get off balance and then they can sweep you like that. Boom, you’re on your back. Right? It’s about learning how to stay centered. And I think [00:24:00] that’s a metaphor for life too. Even in the busy chaos and centering things for me involve like prayer. It involves, you know, time serving other people. It involves, you know, running, I love running like outdoors.
Just getting out in nature sometimes helps like, and, and the list goes on and on, but centering yourself. Helps you be able to a deal with the chaos and unexpected things of life. But two, you’re a lot easier to be around and a lot more fun to connect with when you’re centered. So I, that’s some more advice.
Sean: I like that advice a lot actually.
That’s, uh, that’s pretty good. So now we’re talking about, men trying to pursue their wives and trying to create that connection and that intimacy, and we’re coming at it from that. Now, what do you tell men a guy who you said earlier almost feels like entitled to like. This thing. Right. You know, like they’re just coming at it like, I did all the stuff around the house. You asked me to do, I did all this. I did all, like, I try [00:25:00] not to be like that and I try to tell other men that that’s not the way to go about it.
But what, what do you tell men when that are more like that? Their pursuit feels more pressuring than anything else.
Dan: So I, my opinion about this has changed over the years. I used to say, pressure is bad, so you don’t wanna pressure your spouse, but there is a type of pressure that’s healthy for a relationship. because think about your biggest accomplishments you’ve ever had in life. Was there pressure involved
Sean: Yeah. Yeah, that’s a fair point. Yes.
Dan: Yeah. So it’s, it’s. I think some people work too hard to try to, sterilize a marriage by taking pressure out of the relationship, but it has to go somewhere, so it usually like gets buried or cut off and then it comes out sideways some way or another. It’s not pretty, but there’s just inherent pressure in a relationship.
It just is. You married your opposite in many ways, [00:26:00] and those opposites are really compelling, right? They drew you to each other, but they also drive you crazy too. It comes like, you get both. So, it’s not so much pressure. Another word I would say is anxious. There’s a big difference between like. I’m anxious for sex.
Like almost to the point it comes off needy,
Sean: Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Dan: uh, which is a huge turnoff versus like, I find you absolutely compelling and I unapologetically wanna do you right now. Like, there’s still pressure there too. ’cause now she has to sort out what am I going to do in response to that? Like, I feel that strong energy like.
But it’s a slightly different energy than like, he’s entitled to this. like, he’s asking me to service him. like, there’s a couple I worked with once, they said, something like along the lines of, we have sex once a week [00:27:00] for his mental health. He is like, yeah, it helps me with my mental health.
’cause when I don’t get sex I get depressed. She’s like, yeah, he gets depressed. So we have sex so that he doesn’t get depressed. which I’m so glad they were so honest with me in admitting that, but I bets a lot of marriages somehow in one way or another, they operate sex in some sort of a way that it’s about managing.
the other,
Sean: Mm-hmm.
Dan: so there, okay, to conclude there’s good pressure and bad pressure. Bad pressure when it’s about managing another person. Or like, is that wife, like if I give him sex and he’s gonna be in a better mood and I want my kids to be with a dad who’s in a good mood, therefore I’m gonna do this for him.
But there’s something about sexual intimacy that’s in a category of its own. That’s different than like giving someone a back rub or running an errand for someone or loading the dishwasher or whatever it is, right? It’s, it’s its own category that when you put sex in a service frame, [00:28:00] it, rebels. It’s not passionate.
You can’t have passionate sex that you want, enjoy.
Sean: passionately done the dishes.
Dan: Now, yeah, you might be passionate like in anger, I dunno.
Sean: Yeah.
Dan: Get on. Right. Or you can, you can have satisfaction in serving, like, I’m doing this good thing for someone else. Sex is a little bit different. It’s its own category. You can’t, have a passionate sex life that your sexuality wants to be at and participate at.
It was, uh, required. There’s something about, this, when it’s kind of an obligation, it, it just takes the joy out of it.
Sean: Yeah.
Dan: Pressuring if you’re pressuring your spouse because, it’s been three days and you’re feeling horny and, you’ve done all these things for her. And if she spends all this time with her friends and on social media on [00:29:00] the kids, instead of you, why am I the last one on, the list of her priorities?
Can’t she just give me 10 minutes? That’s not gonna ever help in your relationship when you approach it with that energy. A different energy would be, I like you, I find you compelling, and yeah, it’s been three days. Yeah, I feel horny. I have testosterone pumping throughout me and I find you compelling.
And I want you and I can handle a no. ’cause I’m tough. I can handle a no but. I’m gonna do my best to persuade you that this is a great idea to be with me tonight. Right? It’s unapologetic and you’re gonna go outta her way to show that you care about her and it’s about you see her. It’s, I want you, not about like, okay.
One time my wife told me, and it stung to hear this, she’s like, I know you wanna have sex with me, but I don’t know if you wanna have sex with me [00:30:00] or you wanna have sex with me.
Sean: Yeah.
Dan: And what she was saying is like, I’m, I’m glad I’m your legal and like your defect, uh, your legitimate outlet
Sean: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Dan: right? Um, because I’m convenient and I’m married to you and that’s the obligation. is it ’cause you like me and you wanna have sex with me? There’s a very different meaning involved.
Sean: Yeah. Two very different feels to him.
Dan: Unfortunately, I was too much on the wrong meaning for too long in our, in our relationship, so she was right. Yeah, I that’s there’s a big difference. So pressure. Yeah. Don’t be afraid of the right kind of pressure, but don’t do the wrong kind of pressure.
Sean: Okay. That makes sense. I’m glad you clarified kind of how that works. ’cause, like you say, finding them compelling and, and having that passion for them, but also being able to take a no.
Dan: Yeah.
Sean: like I, I found that a lot, like, a lot of times my wife will be like, you know, I, like, tonight is just too crazy buddy.
[00:31:00] And it’s not like, Hey, I’m turning you down. It’s, it’s more. I’m turning this down right now because it’s too much, but hey, tomorrow night I have a free schedule. Why don’t we, you know, look forward to that? We’ll do our, our tasks on intimately us tomorrow early so that we’re all revved up, ready to go by the time the kid falls asleep.
And so it’s being able to take that no and not pout about. Not be a child. Like, okay, I get it. Yeah, that’s good. , So, and also you were kind of veering towards the next question, which was how do you suggest that, marriages handle desire differences?
Whether it be one way or the other, I mean, I know usually it’s kind of like the men are higher desire, but you hear about it both ways. So, what, what do you suggest for, married couples that have a desire difference?
Dan: Yet every marriage has a desire difference.
Sean: Mm-hmm.
Dan: It’s like a law of the universe,
Sean: Yeah.
Dan: and it’s not just sex. Think about spending one spouse is probably more. Up to spending. And the other is [00:32:00] more up to saving. Or it could be like vacations, like one’s gonna be higher, desire for a beach vacation and the other’s gonna be lower.
Desire for a beach vacation or how to handle in-laws or parenting or cleanliness, any domain of your marriage, you have higher desire, lower desire and desire. Differences must in a relationship if you want. A, uh, polarity. Polarity is the idea like the stronger the opposing polls, the stronger that tension, the more you’re drawn to each other.
If you’re in, marry your exact same person, like in every way, that marriage would not last ’cause there’s not enough magnetic force to keep it together. So just because there is differences isn’t a problem. They serve a purpose in a relationship. And I think too many couples try to like, collapse differences too quick.
this might look like the higher desire spouse [00:33:00] just praying to God, take away my sexual desire. I wish I didn’t have it because it brings me so much pain that we have differences in sex in our relationship. I’ve heard that from so many guys. thank goodness God doesn’t grant those prayers because that would defeat the what’s about to happen next.
So we have differences in desire. The presence of them aren’t bad. They serve a purpose. but how you manage the differences in desire, that’s what matters the most. So, I get my thinking from, a brilliant guy. He wrote this book called Passionate Marriage. His name is Dr. David Sna, He’s talking about emotional maturity. He uses a different word for that. He says the word differentiation, which sounds really technical and PhD like, but my word for it is like, uh, emotional maturity. If you tend to be lower on the emotional maturity scale, you tend to be very reactive to your emotions.
Like you can’t keep your head on straight when you’re, emotionally [00:34:00] overstimulated. or you tend to like be like someone who’s really snippy. Often their in reaction emotionally, like they just react instead of think.
Sean: Mm-hmm.
Dan: Whereas, very emotionally, strong, uh, emotional maturity is when you can actually bring your brain to the emotional situation.
Sean: Yep.
Dan: exactly. And, and it’s about living a principled life instead of just out of reaction. Or you’re like thinking about what do I wanna do? What’s important to me? Instead of what do other people think about me? So in a differences in desire, someone with low emotional maturity in differences in desire.
Even though if you’re the higher desire spouse or lower desire spouse, doesn’t matter, you tend to wanna fix the other person because you view them as a problem. And if only they would get their act together. And ’cause you can see their limitations so clearly and you’re, you’re probably accurate in seeing what their [00:35:00] limitations are.
That approach, keeps you stuck at a low level of, emotional maturity and functioning. Because as long as you’re always beholden to someone else’s action or inaction, uh, you’ll feel like you’re in a prison cell. They hold all the keys, they’re
Sean: Yep.
Dan: And that’s a horrible way to live life.
Sean: Agreed.
Dan: But that’s common for so many marriages. We have sexual desire differences, and I feel powerless in it. He feels powerless because she’s the one, let’s say, that’s lower desire and she’s not interest all the time. She controls the frequency of sex in the marriage, and he feels beholden to that, and she feels powerless because in that same marriage, she.
Knows if she says yes, she was gonna resent him. If she says no, he is gonna get pouty. So she feels like I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t. So why even bother? Why try? Like, so [00:36:00] this dynamic is very real. The way through it is learning how to grow emotional maturity here. Yes, the lower desire spouse may control the frequency of sex by how often it happens, but you have a lot of control over how much of yourself you can bring to the sexual experience.
You have way more control on how intimate that sexual experie is gonna be, and that’s the, I find you compelling unapologetically. Like our example there could look like that. Like you may not be in the mood. I can accept that. But I want you to know, I find you compelling and we might not have sex. You may not be in the mood or ever be in the mood, right, anytime in the foreseeable future, but it doesn’t change the fact that I find you compelling and I wanna be with you.
And I’m at peace with that. And that’s a very different energy than like, That anxious energy, like, ah, I can’t deal with this. Differences in desire. So it’s learning how to like [00:37:00] really, uh, get ahold of yourself there. And it’s about maturity and growing. And the lower desire spouse has a responsibility in this all too.
And they both play a part in their dynamic. We all see our spouse’s limitations so clearly,
Sean: Right.
Dan: don’t see our own very well. It’s really fuzzy.
Sean: Yep.
Dan: But when you can see how you justify your own limited commitment to the relationship or your unlimited intimacy, meaning you’re stepping into the relationship, you, you limit that because you justify it because of their limitations, which is so natural to do.
That’s what keeps you stuck. So it’s learning how to, step back and kind of unhook a little bit from. Being in reaction to their limitations as why you justify your lack of, closeness in the relationship and really grapple with that. And oftentimes, it’s a lot of soul searching, a lot of, uh, growth personally.
But [00:38:00] that, that’s the track. That’s how you know you’re on track to resolving those sexual desire differences.
Sean: All right. I love that. That’s all great. I appreciate that a lot. I have one more quick question for you, but before I give it to you, um, I want to have people be able to find you. So where can people find your Intimately US app and your podcast, and anything else that you’d like to plug?
Dan: Thank you, Sean. Get your marriage on.com. Is the best place to go.
Sean: Easy.
Dan: Yep. From there you’ll find the links to download my apps. You’ll find my coaching program where we go in depth with you, just kind like what we’re talking about a little bit on this, but imagine applied to you and your relationship and your marriage.
So myself and I have a small team of relationship professionals and experts, and that’s, that’s what we offer.
Sean: Perfect. And again, I’ve offered it a million times. Everyone should get this app. It is fantastic. I, I still have to do mine tonight. I have it all set up and so it’s great. I love it.
It’s, [00:39:00] it’s, it’s so good. So, uh.
Dan: so
Sean: There you go. All right. Sweet deal. Yeah, I was gonna say I got like a 50 some odd week streak going here, so, because it’s also gamified too, so, which is fun. You know, you don’t get anything extra for it, but it’s just fun to look at it and go, oh look, I’ve been doing this for a whole year.
Dan: yeah, yeah. That’s awesome.
Sean: So at the end of all of your podcasts, you ask your guests the same thing. So I’m gonna ask you ’cause I wanna hear your answer. And what is your black belt sex tip?
Dan: Okay.
Research shows people have a one of three, there’s three types of eroticism or things that you find erotic. And erotic isn’t a dirty word. It’s, it’s a wonderful word. It means like what you find sexually exciting and interesting. and you might have a blend of a few of these, but one generally becomes is your dominant one.
My black belt sex tip is understand what your dominant one is, what your spouse’s dominant one is. And learn how to work with that together. So the first is you find touch. It’s, it’s, [00:40:00] it’s a physical sensation. It’s, it’s the pleasure of, it is the main driver of eroticism. These are people that may enjoy, it’s the orgasm that that really drives.
They find that, or comfort is really important to them. When they think of great sexual experiences, it usually revolves something around the senses. So they have a very sensual approach towards, towards sex. The second is, relationship. This is about, you find, this is like the Hallmark movies where finally they come, in the end they fall in love, right?
That that feeling that you feel alive in your own marriage drives eroticism. It’s, I feel really close to, I feel seen, and these are people that you might know, or this might be yourself too. Like they might have had a, an argument and then they resolved it and all of a sudden they wanna have sex with each other, like.
It is just so compelling. It’s like, you see me, I get you, you get me, and you are so hot to me right [00:41:00] now. That’s, that’s an example of that Second type, the, the third type is, fantasy. So what really gets them going is it’s the idea of something that really drives their, erotic drive. It’s not excluding the others.
Remember, we’re usually a blend of the three. I think personally of the three, I’m the third category I’m the more of the creative type that I, I the fantasy of what to do is sometimes the thing that drives me. And for couples that like that, role playing tends to be a very natural way. They like to.
play in sex. ’cause it’s very, it’s, it’s very erotic to them. So my black belt sex tip is what type are you or what type do you tend to gravitate towards? What type does your spouse tend to gravitate towards? And go deeper in that one category and you’ll find endless eroticism and your relationship long term.
Sean: Awesome. I love that. That’s great. I really appreciate this and, I hope [00:42:00] you all the best with your apps and, uh, all your coaching and everything. ’cause I think you’re doing, I think you’re doing great stuff over there.
Dan: Thank you very much. Great. You’re a great host. Thanks for the thoughtful questions. I think we kind of went deep on a few things. I hope, it was good for your listeners to hear and understand it’s not just about. Physicians and clockwise to the right and then whatever. It’s not.
Sean: It’s deeper than that. Awesome. I love that. I appreciate it. Thank you very much, Dan.
Outro
Dan: Thank you again for listening. I hope you’ve enjoyed this podcast episode. It really is important that we pursue our spouses like from a heart, right? This is about soul, putting our souls into our marriages, and I think that’s where the greatest joys come from. And it’s not always bad to pressure your spouse.
Pressure is just a fact of being married to someone different than you and trying to collapse it all the time. Destroys the very thing that can be used that you can [00:43:00] harness to build something better and more interesting in your relationship, although that takes more practice and skill. I think that is, the work of marriage is to grow us up.
If you’d like any help implementing any of these principles in your own marriage, we offer coaching privately and in group settings. Those details are on our website. Get your marriage on.com, and if you enjoy this podcast episode, please share it with your married friends. I promise they’ll thank you for life.
And meanwhile, go get your marriage on. See you next Friday.
