Most couples spend years trying to change the very things in their spouse that will never change — and then feel frustrated, discouraged, or disconnected when nothing improves. Or they wonder why their attempts at connecting intimately fall flat.
In this episode, Dan sits down with Dr. Denim Slade, creator of the C.O.R.E. Temperament model, to talk about something deeper than personality: temperament — the unchanging emotional wiring that shapes how we love, connect, and experience sex.
You’ll learn:
- The difference between personality and temperament (and why it matters)
- The four core temperaments that emerged from Dr. Slade’s research
- Why each temperament experiences sex, desire, and intimacy differently
- How misunderstanding temperament creates unnecessary sexual tension
- What healthy vs. unhealthy versions of each temperament look like in the bedroom
- How to stop fighting what won’t change — and start amplifying what already works
By the end of this episode, you’ll have a clearer understanding of yourself, your spouse, and how to build deeper emotional and sexual intimacy by working with your wiring instead of against it.
Resources and Events
- Dr. Slade’s free episode worksheet
- Don’t miss this amazing opportunity to love and make love with your spouse better! Next Level Loving: A Virtual Intimacy Getaway-Early bird pricing ends January 31! (Feb 13-14): https://getyourmarriageon.com/next-levels-virtual-lovemaking-retreat
- Intimately Us & Just Between Us apps (Valentine’s Intimacy Challenge starts on Feb 1!): https://getyourmarriageon.com/our-apps/
- Get Your Marriage On Coaching Program: https://getyourmarriageon.com/program/
- Get Your Marriage On Cruise: https://getyourmarriageon.com/cruise/
Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.
Transcript
This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors or inaccuracies. For the most accurate and complete experience, we recommend listening to the full podcast episode.
Sexual Temperament with Dr. Denim Slade
Dr. Denim Slade: [00:00:00] most of us waste so much time and energy and money trying to change things, feeling bad, devaluing.
The things that make us special and feeling bad about those things, hitting our heads against walls that. Never move. and it is imperative to learn how to work with your strengths, to amplify and magnify the strengths that come with each temperament, and then be able to work with and around the challenges that are never going to go anywhere.
Dr. Denim Slade: A large part about loving your spouse well is to [00:01:00] keep pushing yourself to really know and understand your spouse at a deeper, more fundamental level. I learned about personality typing when I was a youth, and I thought it was such a cool and useful tool to help me better understand my parents, my siblings, and my friends.
And today we’re talking about something kind of related to personality typing, which according to my guest, Dr. Deni Slade is called Temperament. And according to him, temperament doesn’t change. While personality can change over a lifetime. In this episode, you’ll also hear about what temperament is and why it’s more fundamental than just personality and why understanding it matters, what the four types of temperaments are, and specifically find out what type you are.
And importantly, how do you use your understanding of you and your spouse’s temperament to enhance your intimate and sexual relationship by the end of this episode. You and your spouse will have a deeper understanding and know-how about how to love each other well at a more deeper level and improve your sexual and intimate [00:02:00] experiences as well.
If you haven’t heard, my wife and I are putting on a very special Valentine’s Couples retreat. It’s virtual. You get to spend two nights with us as we teach you over a webinar format. Don’t worry, you’re not on camera. And it’s all about transforming your sexual encounters into a deeply. Soulful lovemaking experience.
We’re going live on Valentine’s Day weekend. That’s the Friday and the Saturday, but if you register, you can get the replays so you can set up your own getaway 90 days after all the details are on our website at Get Your Marriage on.com. Click events.
You don’t wanna miss this ’cause it’ll make your Valentine’s Day really special and it’ll last so much longer than just a box of chocolates and roses alone.
We’re also setting sale this October for a Get Your Marriage on Cruise. Come vacation with us on a week long Caribbean adventure where we’ll take advantage of part of the sea days, and you’ll get to learn from me and my team as we do a deep dive on [00:03:00] intimacy, specifically sexual intimacy in your relationship.
And it’s a perfect setting. It’s romantic. Everything’s done for you, taking care of for you. It’s gonna be a vacation, and you get to learn from me and my team on how to really enhance your sexual relationship to make it more soulful and more about love making. This is perfect for couples that already have a, you know, a good sex life, but are looking forward to enjoying something new, something refreshing, and something really fun.
You’ll find all those details on our website as well. So, hurry up and apply because we’re limiting this just to a few couples. So if you’re considering it, don’t delay. You don’t wanna miss this opportunity. And now for Dr. Denim Slade and our discussion on temperament and intimacy.
Dan Purcell: Dr. Slade, welcome to the Get Your Marriage On Podcast.
Dr. Denim Slade: Thank you.
Dan Purcell: excited to have you here today.
Dr. Denim Slade: I’m super excited to be here.
Dan Purcell: I thought it’d be fun if we started off with two truths and a lie.
Dr. Denim Slade: Okay.
Dan Purcell: Dr. Slade edition. [00:04:00] So if you can think of, uh, three statements and two of them are gonna be true, one of ’em is gonna be false um, we’ll see.
So if you’re listening to this podcast, I want you to like, think, ’cause of cRse you don’t know Dr. Slade yet, but, um, you guess which one is his lie? Let’s
Dr. Denim Slade: Okay. All right, here we go. I met my wife, when I was 13
Dan Purcell: Okay.
Dr. Denim Slade: we’ve been married for 31 years. That’s all one truth or lie.
Dan Purcell: the first truth. Okay. All right.
Dr. Denim Slade: my full name is Denim Levi Slade,
Dan Purcell: Like jeans,
Dr. Denim Slade: like the jeans? Yep.
Dan Purcell: that’s unusual. Okay.
Dr. Denim Slade: Yep.
Dan Purcell: All right.
Dr. Denim Slade: and I can hold my breath for three minutes underwater.
Dan Purcell: That’s incredible.
Dr. Denim Slade: Two of those are true and one of ’em not. You.
Dan Purcell: man. All right. I’m gonna guess. all right, listeners, what do you think? I’m gonna guess it’s the three minutes. Underwater is the lie
Dr. Denim Slade: You’re correct. That is[00:05:00]
Dan Purcell: because your record’s two minutes, 59
Dr. Denim Slade: right.
Dan Purcell: quite three minutes. Right.
Dr. Denim Slade: My and or so.
Dan Purcell: But your son-in-law, he can do three minutes. I think
Dr. Denim Slade: My son and I can do three minutes. Yeah, he’s, he’s a, he is a really good swimmer and can hold his breath well, so, so yeah. But those other two things are true. Yeah. My, my full name is Denim Levi Slade, which, people have a hard time believing, but, and I’ll always wonder if my parents were hippies.
Um. Why they gave me that name. And, and then yeah, I, I met my wife, Ellen when I was 13 in, in eighth grade. my family moved from a small town in, in Utah to, to Bountiful, Utah. And she was one of the first people that I, that I met and after courting and convincing her that I was worth her time, you know, we eventually, eventually got married almost 10 years later and, and now we’ve been married for almost 31 years.
31 years this month.
Dan Purcell: Congratulations
Dr. Denim Slade: thanks.
Dan Purcell: Great. Happy
Dr. Denim Slade: This month? Yeah, [00:06:00] this month.
Dan Purcell: This month. That’s great. So cool. So cool.
Dr. Denim Slade: Yeah.
Dan Purcell: would be a funnier story though, if your wife’s name was Jean. Just, just say it. All right. Okay. So, you’ve developed this amazing new concept called Core three, and I know a little bit about it, but help me understand tell me a little bit about Core Theory and why is it so relevant to, to our discussion today?
Dr. Denim Slade: Super, super important to understand. Um, you, your listeners and you are, are probably fairly familiar with some of the personality profiling systems out there. Um, personalities. Yeah.
Dan Purcell: uh, Myers Briggs,
Dr. Denim Slade: Yeah, the Enneagram, Myers-Briggs, the disc and business, there are lots of different models out there. personality has been studied for decades and, actually for centuries, the, the earliest, um, personality profiling systems go back, go back hundreds of years.
We, we’ve always been kind of fascinated with trying to understand what makes us tick. but when, when I was in [00:07:00] graduate school a hundred years ago, um, I, I came across something that I kind of skipped over at that time, which is temperament. And temperament is, is a little bit different than personality.
The research has also shown for decades that infants actually come into life, high or low on nine temperament variables. and temperament doesn’t change across the lifespan. You can, you can change your behavior, you can change the way you interpret things. Um, and you can influence, you can change your attachment style, but you cannot change your temperament.
and when you’re in the business of helping people change like you are, like I am. understanding what you can and can’t change is super important. And, and that’s one of the reasons why I kind of skipped over it when I was in grad school because I was learning how to be a therapist and, and learning how to help people change.
And, and so something that wasn’t changeable didn’t, didn’t grab my interest too much at that time. But, after [00:08:00] working with people for decades, I was a, I was a therapist for over 20 years and, I’ve also always been fascinated with personality, but, and I had never come across a model that was super consistent with what I saw day in and day out in my office, or the models that are out there, like the Enneagram.
Were so complicated that they weren’t very user friendly for about half of the population. And so I have a, I have a PhD. I know how to do research. and so about 13 years ago now, I decided to start collecting data of my own. And I, I spent about three years, collecting data, qualitative data, and about a year and a half analyzing it, and then it.
And then writing it up took me a long time because of, because of my temperament. Took me a long time to get it, to get it written up. But, um, yeah, the result is, uh, is the core temperament model. Put it over there. Um. which is, is super imperative to understand because attachment theory, which you’re, you’re probably familiar with Dan, and your listeners are probably at least peripherally [00:09:00] familiar with, although most people don’t really understand attachment well either.
But, attachment theory plus your temperament create your emotional blueprint
Dan Purcell: Okay.
Dr. Denim Slade: Those are two things that are behind the curtain, kind of, under the surface, literally filtering every information that comes at us and subconsciously, unless we’re consciously aware of it, subconsciously dictating how we monitor and manage relationships.
Uh, why we do the things we do, why we don’t do the things that we, that we don’t do. And so understanding temperament is super, super important if you wanna be healthy in your life and relationships.
Dan Purcell: Hmm. What are some of the fascinating findings or surprise findings you found in your research about temperament?
Dr. Denim Slade: Well, one of the coolest things, and the reason why it’s called Core is that like other personality, profiling systems out there, four very clear. [00:10:00] Types for very clear. Um, yeah, profiles emerged from my research, very predictable. very consistent in the research and most people come into life with a very dominant primary.
Core temperament.
Dan Purcell: Hmm.
Dr. Denim Slade: and, and then most all of us also have a pretty dominant secondary type, which tends to be, you know, one of the things that my research showed is that, the secondary type a lot of times can be, can be influenced by our environment, by, by our, attachment style and our interactions with our caregivers as, as our brains get wired.
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Denim Slade: you know about, 80% of our brains get wired by age three.
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Denim Slade: And about 90% of our brains get wired by age five and, and literally how our brains get wired is a co-creative process that occurs between the infant and her or his caregivers. And so you get this dynamic interplay between nature, your temperament, and nurture, your environmental factors that then, [00:11:00] that then coalesce or combine to form your personality.
Dan Purcell: Gotcha. Wow. so what are the different kinds of temperaments?
Dr. Denim Slade: Um, I’m glad you asked. The, the, uh, the C in core stands for, stands for comfort.
Dan Purcell: guess that’s clear. That’s important to say, right? When you see came
Dr. Denim Slade: Yeah.
Dan Purcell: theory, we’re talking about core, like who we are, you know,
Dr. Denim Slade: Yes,
Dan Purcell: that’s the
Dr. Denim Slade: yes, yes,
Dan Purcell: saying core as in CORE,
Dr. Denim Slade: Right.
Dan Purcell: stands for one
Dr. Denim Slade: Yes, exactly.
Dan Purcell: saying?
Dr. Denim Slade: Core is an acronym, and so each, each of the letters stands for one of the, one of the temperament profiles. And, um, and each temperament is motivated, unalterably and unchangeable by very different motivations. C stands for comfort and connection and, and sees the, the primary emotional process that takes place with CS is trying to get and stay emotionally settled.
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Denim Slade: Rs. Rs want to be [00:12:00] settled emotionally. And when they’re unsettled emotionally, it’s like, it’s like they’re living in a sandstorm. Um, it’s, it’s really discombobulating for the sea brain when they feel emotionally unsettled. And that is what drives these primary motivators of comfort and connection.
Rs want comfortable clothes. Comfortable furniture, comfortable emotions. Um, they want themselves and everybody around them to be comfortable. Um, you have some Cs in your family. Um. They’re, and they’re driven, CS are driven by wanting to be comfortable emotionally and wanting to connect deeply.
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Denim Slade: See that through, through all of the, almost everything that, um, that, that shows up with the ccs are, are sensitive.
They are in tune with the emotional environment, um, more powerfully than any other type. It’s, uh, you know how some people can hear things that other people can’t hear or.
Dan Purcell: pick up on like, did you hear that bird sing?
Dr. Denim Slade: Right. [00:13:00] Exactly.
Dan Purcell: Uhhuh.
Dr. Denim Slade: Yeah. Or other people can smell things.
Dan Purcell: of noise going on. And you
Dr. Denim Slade: Yes.
Dan Purcell: singing Uhhuh.
Dr. Denim Slade: Or other people can smell things that other people can’t smell. Um, Rs can feel things, they’re in tune with the emotional energy around them, much more acutely than any other temperament type.
Um. they’re really good at making connections among things. the sea brain takes time to make connections. Uh, something way over here can be connected to something way over here via 15 different things, and, and, and that those connections take time. And so a lot of times I’ll ask a sea a question and they’ll kinda look at me like a deer in the headlights.
Um, and then later that day they’ll send me a text or an email and they will have connected everything we’ve ever talked about.
Dan Purcell: Gotcha. It just took time for that
Dr. Denim Slade: It just takes time. And so if you’re a c it, it’s important to give yourself that time. A lot of Cs really want to feel seen and understood. But there’s a [00:14:00] lot going on under the surface with Cs, and a lot of times Cs will feel invisible socially.
they’ll feel kind of looked over because Cs aren’t going to typically fight to be seen or to heard, to be heard. And so a lot of times they struggle to, to feel like people really get them, or are willing to, to spend or invest all of the time and energy to really understand them. Um, o stands for optimism.
And os are the idealists among us. and os are motivated by fun.
Dan Purcell: Okay.
Dr. Denim Slade: os want, they’re motivated by pleasant emotion.
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Denim Slade: Os os are the only temperament that live in the present. And they want the present moment to be enjoyable and fun. o’s o’s are really good at seeing the potential and the possibility in things.
they’re really good at seeing what could be. They love wrapping their brains around something. Um, [00:15:00] however, os have a very low tolerance for negative emotion. They have a very low tolerance for conflict and hassle and resistance.
Dan Purcell: mm-hmm.
Dr. Denim Slade: Why?
Dan Purcell: drama and all those
Dr. Denim Slade: Yeah, because those things are, are, are not fun. They’re not, they’re not enjoyable.
Os are the most people oriented of any of the temperament types. os bring a very light, buoyant kind of enjoyable energy to situations. And they’re really good at kind of rallying the troops and getting things going. But after that initial wave of kind of excitement and momentum fades and all of the details and the minutiae set, set in, always have a really hard time maintaining movement.
So it’s not at all uncommon for an O to have a whole stack of half read books
Dan Purcell: Uh.
Dr. Denim Slade: or. Or half completed projects. So o’s are o’s are, are really great at, at this kind of initial phase of, things and then, and then tend to kinda have a hard time following through with things because they get bored. As long as an O is enjoying themselves, [00:16:00] they will keep going and going and going.
Uh. Another mile, another, another game, another round. I, I like to bike and a lot of times I’ll come home from a bike ride and my wife will say, oh, you, you must have been feeling pretty good.
Dan Purcell: Because you’re out a long time.
Dr. Denim Slade: Yeah, because I, uh, or she’ll call me and she’s like, are you, when are you coming home? And I’ll be like, well, I don’t know. I’m feeling pretty good. I might go a little farther. Uh, that’s that. I’m an o I’m a primary O and and o’s are very much, you know, as long as they’re having good time, then they, then they wanna keep, keep having fun.
but if they’re not, it’s hard for them to keep doing it. The, the third, the, the R stands for for resolution. and Rs are the doers among us. Rs are, uh, motivated by getting things done.
Dan Purcell: Uh huh.
Dr. Denim Slade: and they, check things off, they make lists. it’s really important to understand the emotional process for the r.
Rs don’t finish a project or something or check something off their list and think, oh, look at [00:17:00] that wall that I just painted. That’s so awesome. No, what happens with the R brain is when something undone comes to their attention. It doesn’t matter if it’s lost keys, a lost TV remote, an a, an assignment that, that their kid has to turn in when something undone gets on the radar screen, it bugs the, R brain.
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Denim Slade: It, it creates it, it creates frustration. And that frustration is what the R is driven to resolve.
Dan Purcell: Gotcha.
Dr. Denim Slade: And so they wanna take care of whatever is bugging them. And then once it’s done. Then they’re not bugged anymore, and then move. They move on to the next thing that’s bugging them.
Dan Purcell: Uhhuh. Uhhuh,
Dr. Denim Slade: Rs are super intense.
Rs are the only temperament that live in the future.
Dan Purcell: uh.
Dr. Denim Slade: are always thinking about what’s coming. Um, and so Rs, Rs are really good at blowing through obstacles. Rs are passionate. their energy [00:18:00] flares up and out really quickly, uh, because Rs live in the future. they, they get over things really fast.
Um, they don’t hang on to hurt feelings or hurt things. They’re, they’re very goal directed and, and do really well when they know what to expect. And, and they’re in control of being able to, get things done. A lot of times people can feel run over by Rs. If they’re focused on where they’re going and, and whatever is between them and where they’re going kind of becomes just this blur of, obstacles to blow through.
And sometimes you might be one of those obstacles, and so sometimes you can feel run over by an R. the last one is e and E stands for exactness and Excellence. And E. The E brainin is motivated by improving things.
Dan Purcell: Gotcha.
Dr. Denim Slade: The main emotional process that that happens in the e brainin is the E looks at anything to [00:19:00] see how to make it better.
For the next time.
Dan Purcell: Uh.
Dr. Denim Slade: love doing, they love doing research. and it, and again, it doesn’t matter what it is, it doesn’t matter if it’s how to load the dishwasher or clean a toilet or my, my brother is an orthopedic hand surgeon. He’s an e. It doesn’t matter if it’s how to conduct a surgery, when the e brainin is thinking, it’s trying to figure out how to make something better.
It’s what the Ebra does. so they love.
Dan Purcell: oriented too. Probably
Dr. Denim Slade: Yes, they’re trying to identify the best way and they wanna find out the best process, and then they wanna be able to push, you know, rinse and repeat. They wanna be able to, to have it just keep, keep going in the best way that they’ve, figured out.
And it doesn’t, and it doesn’t matter what it is. I had a, a client who really got into, making vanilla. And, and she went deep on like vanilla beans from different countries and how that affected it. I, I mean, it doesn’t matter if it’s collecting art. They, I, I’ve never heard an e say that something was perfect.[00:20:00]
There’s always something that could make it better.
Dan Purcell: Uh.
Dr. Denim Slade: ease are emotionally ease are the most internal processors of any of the types. When an E gets disorganized emotionally, they tend to withdraw and go inside and, and kind of work through things internally and then come back out. E are slow to trust other people’s opinions.
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Denim Slade: Uh, if you disagree with an E, their default is to think that you’re wrong. not that you’re stupid, but the thought process is, Dan, if you knew what I knew, if you had the.
Dan Purcell: this through. I’ve looked at every angle, right? That’s
Dr. Denim Slade: If
Dan Purcell: they’re thinking.
Dr. Denim Slade: you had the information that I have, you would also land on this, obviously correct. Conclusion.
Dan Purcell: Right
Dr. Denim Slade: That’s conclusion. So, so they’re slow to, to, to trust somebody else’s opinion.
There typically has to be some reason education, experience a referral. but once somebody, but once an e kind of categorizes you as one, who knows, they [00:21:00] have a lot of confidence and trust in the conclusions that you draw once you’re one of their people. These are super loyal. And they, they tend to have kind of a, a small network of people that they go really deep with.
Dan Purcell: Gotcha.
Dr. Denim Slade: that’s kind of the, the 30,000 foot view of core and temperament.
Dan Purcell: That’s so amazing. as you’re talking, I can think of people in my life that fit each of those descriptions.
Dr. Denim Slade: What do you think you are?
Dan Purcell: Oh, I see a little bit of myself in each one. I, I definitely see a lot of c in me, a lot of o in me for sure, but also some r and e
Dr. Denim Slade: Yeah. Yeah,
Dan Purcell: well in the way I do, I approach life.
Dr. Denim Slade: yeah. I think that you’re probably a primary C
Dan Purcell: Okay.
Dr. Denim Slade: um, and, and I would guess that you have kind of a smattering of, of the other ones. Um. I would think that you might be a second. I, I think that you’re, you’re also really good at, at processes
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Denim Slade: creating, I, I wouldn’t be surprised if you were a secondary e as well.
Dan Purcell: Yeah, probably.
Dr. Denim Slade: You also get [00:22:00] a lot done. So you, you have some artists in there as well, so Yeah.
Dan Purcell: thank you. Thank you. Now this is a, podcast dedicated to married couples that wanna improve sex and intimacy in their marriage. And with this background, now that we understand four primary temperament types profiles, can we go through them each again? starting with comfort, that’s a C in core. Let’s talk about what it would be like to have sex with someone. Like if I was married to a C,
Dr. Denim Slade: Yes.
Dan Purcell: this is what would be important for them. So
Dr. Denim Slade: Yes.
Dan Purcell: I know that about them, how I might change my approach to improve my sexual relationship with them. And let’s go through each one R and e
Dr. Denim Slade: Yeah.
Dan Purcell: we can.
Dr. Denim Slade: Yes. super important and because, because having sex with a C is gonna be very different than having sex with an R. Um, and one of the things that’s super powerful with temperament in general is that there’s a very different. Phenomenon. There’s a very different, [00:23:00] presence with a healthy C than there is with an unhealthy C or a healthy R than an unhealthy R.
Um, and, and, yeah,
Dan Purcell: there’s, there’s a, even though a c there’s a spectrum, I guess there’s the superpower and the kryptonite with each,
Dr. Denim Slade: Exactly, yes,
Dan Purcell: right? So you gotta know, am I’m in my healthy version of my temperament or my unhealthy version?
Dr. Denim Slade: yes.
Dan Purcell: that? Driving it. Okay.
Dr. Denim Slade: it comes with, when it comes to sexual intimacy, there’s, this dichotomy really shows up powerfully. so like for a c one of the things that Healthy Cs do is to proactively create comfort in their lives
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Denim Slade: where unhealthy Cs can become, um, consumed with avoiding discomfort.
Dan Purcell: Gotcha.
Dr. Denim Slade: And every single one of us has two primary emotional drives that are constants in our lives. The first one is a need to feel, to matter and to feel [00:24:00] valued by the important people in our lives.
Dan Purcell: Right, right.
Dr. Denim Slade: Every single one of us, um, has,
Dan Purcell: That’s the sense to belong.
Dr. Denim Slade: well, that’s the second one.
Dan Purcell: that’s
Dr. Denim Slade: Yes. Yeah, that’s the second one. The second one is love and belonging.
The first one is a sense of worth.
Dan Purcell: Okay. All right.
Dr. Denim Slade: every single one of us wants to feel valued and like we matter to the people that we’re supposed to. The second one is love and belonging,
Dan Purcell: Ah,
Dr. Denim Slade: is, and, and that is we, we all have an unalterable need to feel emotionally safe with the people that we’re supposed to feel safe with, and the process to create safety.
Is fairly simple. It is, Risking and having that risk responded too. Well.
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Denim Slade: That’s it. And, and while it’s simple, it’s super hard to do and, and it gets screwed up all the time and, and [00:25:00] sexually it, it is super important and also super difficult and challenging for people to do. And so if you take a C who.
Who really struggles. Who, who tries to manage their ness by avoiding discomfort instead of creating comfort, then, then they disappear. And so, so sexually Cs are really good at creating deep, meaningful connections.
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Denim Slade: as a C it’s important for you to, you know, set the mood with candles or music or smells or clothes or temperature and, and those kinds of things that, that create the kind of comfort that will help you feel comfortable in that sexual encounter.
and if you remember what I said about the C brain needing time, that shows up sexually as well, right? There’s some predictable differences between the sexual response cycles of men and women. but there are also differences in the sexual response cycles for [00:26:00] different temperament types and Cs need time and, and so it’s important If your partner is a C that you not just try to immediately go for orgasm or, you know, go for the clitoris or the sexual, the erogenous zones, trying to, to get your partner to climax immediately. The C, brain and the C body need time and so, so doing things to increase sexual tension and, comfort, talking, communicating, being willing to risk. the ability that CS have to connect on a very deep level is special. it’s special in any area of intimacy. Emotional, social, sexual, spiritual, Sexually, the potential that you as a c have or that your partner as a c has to, to create very deep, meaningful connection is awesome, and most Cs don’t get [00:27:00] there because of the requisite discomfort and risk and vulnerability required to create the kind of emotional connection that is necessary to, to.
Um, have the, the sexual intimacy that the CS have the potential to, to have. Does that make sense?
Dan Purcell: Yeah, makes perfect sense. Yeah, I, I can identify with a lot of that.
Dr. Denim Slade: Yeah, yeah. I’m sure you can. and, os um. Again, what, what motivates those? Yeah, so, so a couple things. one o see the potential and our, and for almost anything, uh, if something holds the potential for fun,
Dan Purcell: Uhhuh.
Dr. Denim Slade: os os will move heaven and earth to try to accommodate that. These are the people that you can call last minute and say, Hey, I just got great tickets to Hawaii.
Do you wanna come? Or, or, yeah, or, I’m, I’m running to the mall in 15 minutes. Do you wanna go? Um, and, and if the o thinks it will [00:28:00] be fun, the o will do almost anything to, to accommodate that opportunity. And, and sex is no different,
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Denim Slade: so o’s are typically open to exploration.
Dan Purcell: Uhhuh,
Dr. Denim Slade: Now they also have a hard time with, with negative emotion, right?
And conflict. And sometimes vulnerability can feel really scary to the o. and one of the big differences between a healthy O and an unhealthy o is that that unhealthy O’S can really get stuck avoiding. Difficult conversations, working through hurt feelings, um, making room for the hurt feelings of their partner.
and so what can end up happening with an o can kind of look like what can happen with, with two people who are avoidant, who have an avoidant attachment style where you can just avoid things and avoid things and avoid things to where the, the, the connection and the intimacy just kind of. Piddles away into nothing
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Denim Slade: and, and the relationship and the connection will just kind of slowly fade and, and die.
Um, that’s a, that’s a [00:29:00] caution for, for OS because in order to, be close and intimate with anybody, you have to be willing to work through challenging things.
Dan Purcell: Yeah.
Dr. Denim Slade: And that is particularly difficult for both Cs and Os to do.
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Denim Slade: But, but as an O or with an O, you can have a lot of fun. Um.
Dan Purcell: yeah.
Dr. Denim Slade: and sexually is no different.
You can, you know, you can bring in positions and music and jokes and, and entertainment kinds of things but you have to make sure that, that your, maintaining safety, emotional safety with your partner and for your partner. but in general. those are, those are kind of two things to keep in mind.
One is that, that those are, are more game than other people in general, and they also can really struggle with avoidance. I’ll give you an an example that has nothing to do with sex, but
Dan Purcell: Okay, let’s
Dr. Denim Slade: our, our second daughter, Sydney is an o and,
Dan Purcell: Uhhuh
Dr. Denim Slade: um.
Dan Purcell: a chip off the old block. I’d say Uhhuh.
Dr. Denim Slade: got combination of both Ellen and I [00:30:00] and I. She’s an and my, my wife is a primary R, secondary O. But so, so during high school, os don’t like conflict, right? And, and so when Sydnee would wanna do something or whatever, and I would say no, most of the time she would just kind of say, okay. She would, she wouldn’t keep pushing because the conflict wasn’t worth it to her.
And I would say, Sydney, fight with me. Give, give me an argument. I don’t think this is a great idea right now, but I might be able to be convinced. And, and most of the time for her o brain, it wasn’t worth the hassle or the argument or the discomfort of it, you know, not discomfort. That’s more seen as, but the, the unpleasantness of, of fighting with her dad.
And, and that’s just an example of something you’ve gotta be mindful of. If you’re an o you’ve gotta force yourself to work through challenging things. And if you’re, if you’re married to an O you have to be willing and, and, and encouraging to [00:31:00] make. You can’t make somebody, but to really try to drag out, of your o what’s going on under the surface.
’cause they’ll be like, that’s fine. Everything’s fine. Everything’s fine.
Dan Purcell: Right.
Dr. Denim Slade: It’s not fine. That make sense?
Dan Purcell: That makes sense.
Dr. Denim Slade: Okay.
Dan Purcell: What about the R then,
Dr. Denim Slade: R okay, so what, yeah.
Dan Purcell: resolution, the doers.
Dr. Denim Slade: Yes, so Rs were goal oriented.
Dan Purcell: Uhhuh.
Dr. Denim Slade: are the most externally processing of any of the temperament types. Almost everything that comes in the R brain comes out of the R mouth.
Dan Purcell: Okay.
Dr. Denim Slade: You rarely have to guess about what an R is thinking or feeling, which relationally is really awesome because
Dan Purcell: awesome if you don’t like
Dr. Denim Slade: Right, exactly.
Dan Purcell: saying.
Dr. Denim Slade: Your back to your right, your, your kryptonite and your superpower. Right. Um. Because, because on the strength side of things, transparency and openness is one of the things that research has shown that leads to trust in a [00:32:00] relationship.
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Denim Slade: and when there are high levels of trust, that leads to feeling safe with that person.
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Denim Slade: and so that openness, you get that naturally with an R and you also get what they’re thinking. but so one of the challenges, if you are an r. Your partner is not an r. A lot of times an R is very goal directed, and so they can start a sexual encounter and, and they can go right to the clitoris or, you know, right to, to the, to the breast or, or the penis because if the goal is orgasm, then the, R brain wants to check that off the list just as quickly as possible.
And so, so sex can become very task oriented
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Denim Slade: the R brain on the upside of, of having sex with an R. or if you are an r. It’s uncomplicated. CS and Ease tend to have a lot of other things that come into the bedroom with them. Conversations that were [00:33:00] had last week or last, last month, or last year, what’s going on at work?
The, the c and e brain is typically doing a lot of internal, internal processing. An R almost all of that is, is external. And so Rs get over things quickly. They get over hurt feelings quickly, and so, so sex tends to be much less complicated with an R and for an R. on the challenge side of things, you have to be mindful of, of especially the temperament of your, of your partner and what they might need and the timing, the sexual rhythm and timing, that, that each temperament need, to be.
And, and sometimes Rs can be a little insensitive.
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Denim Slade: Especially r men can, uh, an R woman, not as much as an R man, but a lot of times an R man can feel pretty insensitive and sex can feel like, the objective a lot of times because again, once something comes on the radar screen of the r, the R brain wants it resolved.
And so if the R has [00:34:00] sex on the brain. Then they wanna do it now no matter what else is going on, no matter what the other, their partner has going on, they want to do it and do it now. And so if you put them off, they can get pretty grumpy. And it can be, it can be challenging for the R to to manage that.
Well,
Dan Purcell: yeah.
Dr. Denim Slade: okay. Let’s talk about e.
Dan Purcell: All right.
Dr. Denim Slade: E stands for.
Dan Purcell: Uhhuh.
Dr. Denim Slade: Yes. Yep. I, I call ’em the perfectors,
Dan Purcell: Okay. Yeah. Yeah.
Dr. Denim Slade: but Yeah. But e stands for exactness and Excellence. You’re exactly right. sex can become just like anything else where it becomes this, this project of figuring out the best way.
Dan Purcell: Yeah. Uhhuh.
Dr. Denim Slade: So, so what’s the formula to help you orgasm?
I if I touch you here in this way for this long, and then I touch you here in this way for this long, and then we do this and it should work every time. And so it can become very [00:35:00] formulaic, for the e brainin one of the challenges when you’re in a relationship with an E is it can feel like nothing is ever good enough.
And as these, this is a really important kind of, thing to keep in mind ’cause there’s a really fine line between something could be better and it’s not good enough.
Dan Purcell: Uhhuh.
Dr. Denim Slade: And, and when you have something that is as vulnerable and sensitive as sexual intimacy is feeling like your performance is on trial can be a real killer of, excitement and desire and safety.
Dan Purcell: Yeah. Yeah, it’s not fun. You feel like you’re being examined Uhhuh, right?
Dr. Denim Slade: no. and feeling like you’re a project doesn’t feel very good either,
Dan Purcell: Right.
Dr. Denim Slade: so you have to be, you have to be careful with that. The other thing that, that ease have to keep in mind is as ease are the most internal processors, like I said before, EASE will go, will go inside, figure things out and then come out.
And for the [00:36:00] E they don’t have a real need to externally process. But in any relationship, you have three entities, you have each person, and you have the relationship.
Dan Purcell: Right.
Dr. Denim Slade: And even though the E might not need external processing, the relationship does in order to be healthy.
Dan Purcell: Gotcha.
Dr. Denim Slade: And so
Dan Purcell: have to learn how to kind of open their mouth and like, or share what’s in their heart or whatever.
Dr. Denim Slade: Totally, yep. That you have to remember that, that if you want your partner to be a part of things, you’ve gotta let them in.
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Denim Slade: Um, and that doesn’t happen naturally to the e If you, if your partner is an E and you’re, you’re having sex with an E, then understanding the formulate kind of nature is important to understand and, and knowing how.
I think one of the biggest blessings and benefits of, of understanding temperament is that it changes the way that we interpret what we get from our partners. Because we have a very strong tendency as human beings to think that, that other [00:37:00] people do things for more or less the same reasons that we do.
Dan Purcell: Right. But that’s, a faulty assumption.
Dr. Denim Slade: It’s a cognitive distortion. Uh, absolutely. and so when you understand why in R does what they do. It changes the way that you, that you interact with ’em. We’re talking about sex, but in parenting, that’s huge. Parenting. Parenting an e child is very different. Well, parenting an E child well is very different than parenting a c child.
Well,
Dan Purcell: Right.
Dr. Denim Slade: and so those are kind of some of the, the, the things to keep in mind sexually for each of the temperaments, if that. Did that make sense?
Dan Purcell: Yeah, it makes, that’s so good. We’re, as we wrap up our conversation today, I guess the takeaways I’m getting is understand my temperament better and really understand my spouse’s temperament better. Then, uh, don’t assume my primary motivations are my spouse’s primary motivations [00:38:00] and kind of be a student of their temperament,
Dr. Denim Slade: Yes.
Dan Purcell: them too, and then like work together on that and also pay attention to my healthy side and my unhealthy side.
Dr. Denim Slade: Ah,
Dan Purcell: my temperament is
Dr. Denim Slade: yep.
Dan Purcell: bring my best or work on what brings my best
Dr. Denim Slade: Totally. Yeah,
Dan Purcell: other people in. That’s so good. Now you have a book about all this.
Dr. Denim Slade: I do.
Dan Purcell: tell people about it real quick and how they can learn about you
Dr. Denim Slade: Yeah, I, if we, so this is, this is the book, unlock Your Core.
Dan Purcell: so for of you listening, he’s holding up his book right
Dr. Denim Slade: Oh yeah. Yep.
Dan Purcell: Your Core. Uh huh.
Dr. Denim Slade: Unlock your core potential, what you can and can’t change about your personality. it’s available on Amazon. You can go to dr denim slade.com. It’s available there. and, uh, temperament doesn’t change. And if you don’t, under it, most of us waste so much time and energy and money trying to change things, feeling bad, devaluing.
The things that make us special and [00:39:00] feeling bad about those things, hitting our heads against walls that. Never move. and it is imperative to learn how to work with your strengths, to amplify and magnify the strengths that come with each temperament, and then be able to work with and around the challenges that are never going to go anywhere.
The same things that you struggle with. I, I’ve been married for 31 years. The same things that I love about my R wife, the, the same things that I loved. When I was 13 are the same things that I love now and the same things that frustrated me then are the same things that frustrate me now. The
Dan Purcell: right.
Dr. Denim Slade: about me that drew her to me.
She still loves and adores, and the things that are maddening about being married to me are still maddening. So you gotta learn how to work with that and, and you can learn how to do that in the book. lots of different, resources. there, we, we do have a, we have a little handout on sexual intimacy and, temperament that we can make available to your, [00:40:00] view.
Dan Purcell: Great. I’d love to include it in the show notes.
Dr. Denim Slade: Okay.
Dan Purcell: be great.
Dr. Denim Slade: Okay,
Dan Purcell: they’ll sum all this up and how it applies in sex. That’s great.
Dr. Denim Slade: good. Okay,
Dan Purcell: Well, it’s been a pleasure having you on. Thank you for sharing your wisdom, your research, your experience. I
Dr. Denim Slade: you,
Dan Purcell: gonna be very beneficial.
Dr. Denim Slade: well, good. It’s good to visit with you, Dan. Thanks.
Conclusion
Dr. Denim Slade: So what do you think? What do you think your core temperament type is? What’s your spouse’s core temperament type? How can you use this knowledge to know your spouse better, to be a better lover? If you’d like help with any of this material, implementing it in your marriage, check out our Get Your Marriage On Program.
It is great for couples that want to go deeper in their relationship. Meanwhile, thank you for listening. Please share this podcast with all of your married friends. I promise they will thank you for life. Download the Intimately US app if you haven’t yet, and share that with your friends too, and go get your marriage on.
Talk to you next week. We. [00:41:00]
