Marriages rarely fall apart because of one big moment—they erode through small daily disconnections.
In this episode, Dan sits down with author Lindsay Maestes to talk about how couples can rebuild connection, overcome sexual shame, and create a stronger marriage through intentional daily habits.
They discuss faith and sexuality, emotional labor, foreplay outside the bedroom, and why openness and vulnerability are essential for great intimacy.
Plus, Lindsay shares a fun “black belt” sex tip to help couples add novelty and excitement to their relationship.
Resources and Events:
We invite you to explore our Get Your Marriage On coaching program. For a limited time, you can try it free for 30 days and get access to coaching sessions and our full course library.
We also have an opening due to a cancellation at our upcoming couples retreat, and one more spot available on our cruise! We’d love to have you join us!
Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.
Guest: Lindsay Maestas
Lindsey Maestas is a writer and podcast host known for saying the hard things gently. Recognized as a renowned relationship expert, writer, speaker, and entrepreneur, she reaches millions globally. She has made her mark through her honest teaching style and widely acclaimed podcast, Living Easy with Lindsey, which has attracted a devoted audience of over three million listeners.
Her new book was published in January 2026: Don’t Burn Your Own House Down: Prioritizing Your Marriage, Your Spouse, and Yourself for a Deeper Connection.
Lindsey lives in Nashville, Tennessee, with her husband and two boys.
Find her on Instagram @livingeasywithlindsey or sparrowsandlily.com
Transcript
This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors or inaccuracies. For the most accurate and complete experience, we recommend listening to the full podcast episode.
Lindsey: I just feel this sense of conviction. To remind women and couples that your body was created by a God who loves you, by a God who is not afraid of or embarrassed by your pleasure,
When my wife and I designed the Intimately US App, one of the key features we really wanted to implement was this idea of a daily intimacy challenge. It’s a way to create a habit every day of making connection. That’s why I was so interested in my guest today, Lindsay, Maus. I read her fantastic book called Don’t Burn Your House Down.
It’s a marriage book and the premise of it is marriages don’t fall apart, because of one big thing they deterior. Be over a, a lot of little disconnections over time. So in this podcast, we’re gonna talk about how to prevent that erosion and how to instead build a fantastic and strong marriage In fact, we’re gonna talk about more than just that too. We’re also gonna talk about sexual shame initiation [00:01:00] challenges, her own honeymoon drama. And how her faith has helped shape her and also how she believes how God has created sex. not just for procreation, but also for pleasure and bonding within marriage.
Make sure you stay to the end ’cause you’ll want to hear her amazing black belt sex tip. Now if you’re in a marriage where you’d like a little bit of extra help, maybe a little bit of counseling, I highly encourage you to check out our Get Your Marriage On Program, and for a limited time for listeners of our podcast, you can try the whole program for 30 days free.
This is a great opportunity where you get to work with me and my team on your unique, goals and growth that you wanna have in your own marriage. You also get access to the Amazing Get Your Marriage On Course, which is part of the program. At the time of this recording, we have one spot left for a, a couple to join us on our cruise that we’re sailing in October.
It’s a Western Caribbean cruise. It’s a fantastic opportunity for you and your spouse to come with us on a vacation, and [00:02:00] we also do a deep dive on all things intimacy in your relationship, and you’ll find all of those details at get Your Marriage on.com. All right, let’s get into it.
Dan: Lindsay, welcome to the Get Your Marriage On Podcast. How are you today?
Lindsey: Good. Thank you so much for having me. I’m very honored to be here.
Dan: You. You sent me a copy of your book, which I read, which I’m holding up for those listening. It’s called Don’t Burn Your House Down. It’s a good book about. Not neglecting your marriage, and I think I wanna talk about that a little bit in our conversation today,
Lindsey: Yeah.
Dan: to introduce you to our listeners, is there a funny story maybe from your honeymoon that kind of set up the frame for what we’ll talk about today?
Lindsey: Oh my honeymoon. Yes. We actually, I strongly recommend to people to have a honeymoon plan
Dan: Uhhuh.
Lindsey: and a night of the marriage plan and to talk about what is good and what is, what is okay and what is not. Okay. My husband and I. Yeah, no surprises or just like an understanding of what you want. So my husband and I on our honeymoon, my [00:03:00] husband is a pastor’s kid raised in the church, kind of have this view of sex is naughty, bad, wrong, do it with the person you love, which we’ll talk about. And so when we got to our honeymoon, I was excited. My bachelorette party was filled with. Tons of gifts of naughty lingerie. And I came out of the bathroom expecting it to be something my husband was stoked about, very excited, and he looked like a deer in headlights. He didn’t know what to do with me or with it, and he actually felt like he was doing something wrong.
And I was very confused because that was not my upbringing. And I was like, do you not? Like me, like what’s happening? He was like, no, no, no, no. It’s not that. I just feel like I’m not supposed to be doing this. And so to now I get to make fun of him for it, and we’ve grown significantly. But it took a few years actually for him to become more comfortable with it because of how he had been raised.[00:04:00]
Dan: uh,
Lindsey: So it was, I cried. I did cry a little bit because I felt
Dan: uh.
Lindsey: but it was, he was very, very sweet and making me, making sure I knew it had nothing to do with like me, and it was his upbringing, which
Dan: Good.
Lindsey: is really fascinating and a good prompt for conversation.
Dan: right. So what is your upbringing then? If he was a pastor’s kid? How about you?
Lindsey: Yeah, so I grew up, um. Divorced parents, which has really prompted a lot of my work in ministry and marriage for the past
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Lindsey: husband and I have been married now for almost 14 years this February, and Thank you. Yeah, it’s, I love my marriage. It is hard, but I love my marriage and in, always wanted to not. Have what happened with my parents. I didn’t want to feel those things. but both of my parents were very busy and so I did, I had a lot of independence, a lot of time alone, and [00:05:00] I also didn’t really know where I fit. I was house to house all the time. And as I look back now, I feel like that prompted me to be more relationship oriented, like codependent.
In relationships and I was sexually harassed when I was 14, like way to start the conversation
Dan: Oh no.
Lindsey: sexually harassed when I was 14. And it turned out to, um, I did bring it to the attention of people who needed to know about it, and it was kind of dismissed and brushed under the rug. And so. For me, this felt really jarring at, I was 14, so I was, I was still a child I think it just taught me in some way that it was fine.
Then if we’re gonna brush it under the rug, I guess this is what I’m here for, or this is, it’s okay. So that started where, if somebody would give me their emotional attention, I felt like I was obligated to give them physical attention as
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Lindsey: and so I just became very promiscuous [00:06:00] and boyfriend to boyfriend, like always needed to be in some sort of relationship. And even if I felt like dirty afterwards, I just felt obligated to sleep with them. And it created a lot of confusion and heartache in my
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Lindsey: but I was saved when I was 19 and I felt like. Genuinely in that moment, Jesus just fully wrecked my heart in the best way and unraveled a lot of that, the thought process that I had and the perspective I had. And, um, my husband and I were able to, I guess, like re-save ourselves for marriage throughout our dating process, which obviously made for an interesting honeymoon, but it was still the sweetest thing I’ve ever done to be. Loved for my mind, more than just my body.
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Lindsey: have that crutch to lean on, but then also now to come into marriage and to explore each other and to really, really lean into sexual intimacy has been like one of the coolest things of my life, if I’m honest.
I really love, I love sex, I love intimacy, and I [00:07:00] think it has strengthened my marriage significantly.
Dan: That’s great. A lot of people in the church, generally speaking, of course there’s exceptions, but they do struggle with the idea of seeing sex as a good thing. There’s a little bit of shame. And it’s not just the church, so to speak. It’s, it’s the tradition. It’s the culture we live in.
Lindsey: right.
Dan: Uh, how do you help people, or what are your thoughts with your perspective?
How do you help especially women overcome some of their hangups and difficulties around sexual intimacy?
Lindsey: Yeah, so Jesse and I actually created the Sex and Intimacy Project for this reason because we saw such a need. For the conversation to happen. And it’s, it’s essentially like a four week video course where we walk through the spiritual, emotional, physical struggles. And some of the stuff, you know, you see from women a lot is like, my husband doesn’t know what foreplay is or what foreplay looks like, or, and I think that’s a part of the struggle is that.
People have navigated so much shame around [00:08:00] sex and have been raised with so much shame around sex that they haven’t actually taken the time or they don’t feel like it’s appropriate to explore their bodies or to talk about what they like or don’t like. And so within the Sex and Intimacy project, and also on my podcast, the Living Easy Podcast, we talk a lot about. The body was created for pleasure. And I know that you talk a lot about this on your podcast as well, and I’m so glad that you do because it’s a conversation that it needs to be had. And so I love the work that you do, by the way. Um, but yeah, I think I just feel this sense of conviction. To remind women and couples that your body was created by a God who loves you, by a God who is not afraid of or embarrassed by your pleasure, that the cl1toris has over 8,000 nerve endings, which is double that of the tip of the pen1s by the way. And that is not a reproductive organ. And so if God were creating secs [00:09:00] only for reproduction, which I do believe a lot of people kind of tie that in or believe that that’s the case. That there would be no purpose of the cl1toris There would be no purpose. But we see throughout Song of Solomon how there is, there are references to oral sex, there are references to pleasure and to joy and to intimacy. And think what I would encourage is just a co, a total revamp. So to speak of what you know about intimacy. Get into the Bible and read about it, that God is, he’s not this strict stern God. And granted sin is very real. Pornography is sin. It damages the brain. Um, and that is not the heart or goal that God has for your marriage.
Your marriage is your spouse is your standard. Your spouse is the person he has given to you as a covenant. Uh, and that is the way that you live. But. That is a big part of your relationship. And so if you [00:10:00] can seek to see sex through God’s eyes, to then communicate with your spouse about your needs, your desires, your longings, and see how it can shift not only the physical intimacy, but also come back to the emotional safety and vulnerability and connection that you long for.
Dan: That’s good. How do you get that view of God as one that likes and delights in our sexual unions with our spouse? Like for a lot of people, they, they really struggle with that idea.
Lindsey: Yeah, I think there are a few ways. One, I would say that God is good all the time, and I think that that’s a really difficult perspective for people, especially if they have a, a. Difficult relationship with their father in this world because a heavenly father who is good and desires good for them, does not reflect their father who is abusive or, or even just harsh or unkind or unloving or didn’t want good for them. I think that it’s really [00:11:00] difficult for women. Especially to see the congruence between a good father and pleasure. Because, because we’re taught pleasure is wrong, pleasure is bad. And again, I think that it’s looking at our bodies. It is looking at like this is getting, I know this is, I’m like, I do talk about sex very openly.
I haven’t in a little while, but I’m like the sensitivity of the nipples, right.
Dan: Yeah, Uhhuh.
Lindsey: the clitoris and just the pleasure and the lips and all of these centers of your body that not only feel good. They have connection to your brain. They’re neurologically connected and your God created you, created your body, created those parts of you, and therefore we have to realize that that exists.
And then he also created your brain. And when you have an orgasm, you. Increase the oxytocin in your brain, which is your joy hormone, your pleasure hormone. [00:12:00] So for us to say, oh, that’s an accident, you
Dan: Uh, yeah.
Lindsey: that’s not interconnected, that’s not relevant, is a lie from the pit of hell.
If you ask me, I think they, they are fully. Connected, intertwined, and I’ve actually been doing a lot of research on dopamine, specifically for this book. I have a chapter on scrolling and dopamine and the disconnection that phones have created between marriages and how to fix it. But one thing that you see is that dopamine on a phone. Is when you start scrolling, your dopamine increases almost like 90 degrees, right? It goes straight up.
Dan: Okay.
Lindsey: getting instantaneous hits, but when you get off, you are crashing. So, because it’s not a steady growth, you think of, you know, going on a rollercoaster, when you go up, you must come down. And most of the time it’s a steep fall.
It’s the same with our phones. However, with something like an orgasm. Or a kiss or a six, a six second kiss or a hug. [00:13:00] These things have a slow rise of dopamine. So neurologically, your brain is seeing this natural form of dopamine and it’s naturally occurring. And because it’s a natural form, it is regulated and it’s steady throughout the day.
And I think for me, I just see that I’m like, gosh, like look what the world created that. Yes, it can give you this dopamine quickly, but even more so, look what God created, that not only is this. Good and pleasurable and fun and connecting in your marriage. It also impacts your brain in such a way that it can keep you on a high the rest of the day.
That’s not a mistake. And I think when we just like step back from all the rhetoric that we’ve heard and we actually read God’s word and we actually look at how. Just much joy he brings in giving us joy it’s such a beautiful gift that we often dismiss because we feel like we need to be in shambles all the time.
You know? And repentance is huge, and sin is real and all these things. Yes, but the joy [00:14:00] and the pleasure side is also just as real.
Dan: That’s good. So, uh, you’re pointing out a few things I really like. First is there’s a difference between our theology and our culture.
Lindsey: Yeah.
Dan: And sometimes we get mixed up of those two, right? Like if you really dig into our Christian theology, I agree with you. I find a God who is very pro pleasure,
Lindsey: Mm-hmm.
Dan: very pro se his, he loves and delights in our sexual union.
Like
Lindsey: Yes.
Dan: The culture doesn’t always reflect that per se.
Lindsey: No.
Dan: it’s limitations of other people and just traditions that get handed down, and I, I, let’s be honest, sex is a very vulnerable, very like anxious, anxiety inducing thing. So of course it’s gonna be a difficult thing to really. Talk about, especially in a formal setting
Lindsey: Yeah.
Dan: like that.
Lindsey: Yeah,
Dan: not always appropriate too, in certain settings. So it’s, it’s, uh, there’s a lot of anxiety about it. So we sometimes interpret that as, oh, this is what I’m supposed to [00:15:00] believe, or we internalize those beliefs probably.
Lindsey: Yeah, that’s true. Yeah. I, I like that you, how you connect that because I’m an anxiety ridden woman. Unfortunately. It’s something I’m constantly navigating, and even speaking to that, like postpartum for me really difficult in regards to intimacy because not only are your ho hormones changing, but your body has changed significantly you’re going into a place like I, for myself. Um, I talk about this actually in the chapter, guarding Your Glass House and don’t burn your own
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Lindsey: Just the vulnerability that is needed. And I remember being in the shower and my husband would walk in and I would just like fully cover myself. I didn’t want, after my baby, I didn’t wanna be seen.
I just felt embarrassed. I felt ashamed. he would kind of gimme a hard time. Of course. He was like, I love you. I want you to feel comfortable. I think you’re beautiful. But for me it was like me, I don’t want you [00:16:00] to see me like this. And a close friend of mine who loves the Lord and loves me and my husband was just like, Hey, I, totally understand she’s had twins and another baby, and was like, I just want you to realize though, that you’re kind of stealing from. Your husband. This isn’t him saying he doesn’t wanna see you, but God has said, my body is your body. Your body is mine. And that’s not in a form of obligation. Of course, in terms of abuse, this is not what I’m talking about. It’s just in discomfort. But that we, we owe to our spouse to. Get, we owe it to our spouse to take good care of ourselves, of
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Lindsey: but also to give them the freedom to make the decision.
And I think a lot of the time, at least for myself, I felt like, well, if I feel gross within my body, then he must feel that I’m gross.
Dan: we project our feeling onto the other person and we use it.
Lindsey: absolutely.
Dan: So we manage those around us [00:17:00] to kind of protect and insulate us from the feelings we don’t want to feel.
Lindsey: Yes. And to fit our narrative that we’ve created in our mind, which a lot of the time the enemy gets ahold of
Dan: Yeah.
Lindsey: feeds us with all of these lies instead of infiltrating our minds with truth in God’s word. Um, but, and my husband would just. You know, he’s like, I don’t understand. You know what you’re seeing, but I, and obviously your body has changed, but I love you. And it was really, really, really humbling, vulnerable, difficult to get to a place where I was just like, okay. Lights on, you know, we’re gonna make it work because I love you and because I do know that this is an important part, but equally, um, I also have a chapter about discipline. I think that self-discipline is equally important in talking to ourselves, kind of to raise our own standard of what we want for ourselves.
And I, I ask this a lot on living easy and just kind of in my. Conversations. But if you were [00:18:00] single tomorrow morning, you live a little bit differently? Would you go to the gym? Would you start dressing differently? Would you
Dan: uh.
Lindsey: spontaneous? And if the answer is probably, you know, I’m trying to get, I’m trying to glow up, then why are we not doing that for our partner?
Why are we not instilling that same energy, the same discipline that we would have? For the person we’ve committed our lives to and they’ve committed their lives to us, they deserve exceptional. We have, this is something that I’ve really been kind of pondering about recently, and I’d love to hear your perspective on
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Lindsey: but it’s been a really interesting thing for me lately to think I am it for my husband, you know? God willing. Lord willing,
Dan: Yes.
Lindsey: I am it for my husband he’s committed his life to me. This his sex life, his emotional life, his heart, his joy, his future, his financial stability. All those things are not only in my hands, they’re in our hands, but I am it. [00:19:00] And so. I don’t wanna steal that from him, and he doesn’t wanna steal that from me. Why would we not fight to be the absolute best versions of ourselves for one another? And that includes sexually a man. I know. I mean, I enjoy sex. I have a high sex drive. I know there are men and women who do not, but I find that it’s a very, very, very important part of our connection. And I don’t wanna steal. From my partner when I am, they’ve committed their life to me. They get this one life with me. I want to offer so much. I’d love to hear your thoughts on that
Dan: Yeah.
Lindsey: think about it
Dan: I love that. And it’s that commitment. I like the story where it is like, Hey, if you were single tomorrow, what would do different? And I do the same thing with men too. Like, well, I’d probably lose pounds, I’d go to the gym more. I’d, you know, finally get that haircut that I’ve been neglecting. I shave more.
Whatever. Yeah. It is important. Um, I, I think that’s a great perspective to have and it’s, um. And I’m going back a little bit, but the story [00:20:00] about like, you’ve just had a baby, you didn’t wanna be seen, and then after a while, like, you know, light’s on. Just, here I am. I think that’s actually an easier way to live
Lindsey: Hmm.
Dan: because it’s honest.
It’s more real. It’s, I think it’s couples get in trouble all the time when they try to live away. That’s not based in reality.
Lindsey: Yeah.
Dan: Like if your body did change, you just gave birth to another human being, it’s an incredible miracle. And it’s supposed to change. It’s supposed to be different. Like, and that’s okay, but trying to pretend it’s something different or wishing something it’s not, it’s like
prolonged living something that’s not rooted in reality. So when you live with more reality, more truth, more with with you can accept what is in greater doses, you have a higher capacity for accepting life on life’s terms.
Lindsey: Yeah.[00:21:00]
Dan: It’s, that’s an easier way to live. It’s much easier to be intimate with someone too, when you know you can just be real and be yourself, and they can be real and be their self too.
Lindsey: Yeah, that’s very well said. I think it also, just as you’re saying that it. It draws me back to shame because I think that with shame, such a, it, it really seeps into everything in our lives that when we have some form of secrecy, whether it’s what you’re talking about with the shame
Dan: Mm.
Lindsey: the embarrassment or the hiding,
Dan: Uh.
Lindsey: that it then causes us to feel disconnected in other ways.
And that’s kind of the entire premise of don’t burn your own house down, is that a lot of our. or big struggles or even affairs don’t stem from one big issue within the marriage. Majority of the time it’s the little disconnections, the turning away from one another instead of turning to one another.
The lack of repair after a a argument or conflict, is where it starts to just [00:22:00] pull apart. And I always say the enemy doesn’t need a big thing to destroy your marriage. It’s the small moment. That you are neglecting day after day. And so the point of don’t burn your own house down is to the thinking, shift the heart to say what are the areas in which I can show up better, where I can self-evaluate and look at my own heart?
’cause it’s really easy to point those three fingers at my husband when he’s detached or disconnected and I’m anxious and I’m like, just talk to me. You know? And we have those arguments and it’s, it can feel so exhausting, but. we do separate, say you get a divorce or say you plan to, you’re like, oh, there’s something better out there for me.
Believe that lie. When that happens, you only have yourself to look at in the mirror. You can’t point fingers at your spouse anymore. They’re not there. And what are the things that that mirror would tell you? And so much, I believe is, is the shame of the shame of. Of wanting, of asking for what you want, not only physically but emotionally and [00:23:00] feeling embarrassed about it, but how much that openness shifts things, or the shame or embarrassment of talking about your faith, you know, if you grew up differently and wanting to have that conversation or not having people involved in your life, the community. To where you have people that you can say like, oh, you too. You guys are going through this too. But if you feel like you need to hide or your, your story’s too bad, or your fights are too big to talk to other people, all you’re doing is growing in isolation and you’re growing in shame and
Dan: Right.
Lindsey: in. And disconnection from your partner. But the more openness that you have, the more vulnerability, the more peace that you have, the more everything else flows. And this is something again, also in guarding your glass house. my husband, before he was my husband, he was a 19-year-old little boy I say, and I like, and at that time I was shocked by what he said and I still am. That we were just friends at the time [00:24:00] and I was asking him some questions and tell sensing, like giving some hesitations about our dating, like if we were going to date. ’cause he had been pursuing for quite a
Dan: Uh.
Lindsey: And he told me, and he meant this, he said, Lindsay. My life is a glass house to you. Anything that you want to know is yours to know. I have no reason to have secrets from you. I will never have secrets from you. If I want a solid, godly relationship, it means having an immense openness. And I had dated not great guys for a long time, and so to even have someone who had that vocabulary could articulate the emotion in that and also articulate. The safety, like I’ve never truly felt more safe than I did in that moment, and in the moments that he has lived that out throughout the entirety of our marriage, because we have this openness
Dan: [00:25:00] Mm-hmm.
Lindsey: but I think that it not only enhances our comfortability together, but our comfortability in the bedroom as well.
Dan: I think every marriage you have differences. ’cause you married your opposite. Like if you weren’t your opposite, there wouldn’t be attraction there. If you’re extroverted, not always, but you tend to marry introverted people like because you find that so fascinating and interesting or the other way around, right?
That’s just an example. So differences are a part of any relationship
Lindsey: Yeah.
Dan: sometimes those differences are really pronounced sexually as well.
Lindsey: Mm-hmm.
Dan: What are some differences that you and your husband have had sexually that you’ve had to really apply the Glass House rule that you just said? Where it meant really like be more transparent and even just saying things, even if it might mean they don’t agree with you as you work through things.
Lindsey: Yeah, all of them. I’ll give you specifics, but I do think it’s important that I communicate like my husband and I truly, [00:26:00] truly are opposites. And it has created a lot of strife and struggle. We do not have it all together. I wrote a marriage book not because of my marriage is perfect, but because I needed the tools after almost walking out, after having both of our babies.
And I’d share that in chapter two. Our story and the mess, the mess that it was, and the tools that we learned in order to heal it. And that’s what this book comes from. so, um, yes, us too. You know, like I just, I always feel like people, we need to continue saying that. Us too. But I’ll say one of the biggest things that we have struggled with and honestly continue to struggle with after 14 years is that foreplay begins outside of the bedroom. I am someone who needs. One-on-one conversation. I need eye contact. I need a butt tap throughout the day, and like a big hug and a date planned. And I know that’s really overwhelming to most people like that, so it may not seem like a lot, but when somebody like me, like I’m an anxious attacher, my husband’s an avoidant [00:27:00] attacher, which means we’re constantly, I’m chasing after him.
He’s feeling stifled. When he feels stifled, I feel rejected. And it’s this, I call it the crazy cycle. And so. When I’m asking for these things all the time, he’s not receiving it as like, oh, she just wants more love. He’s receiving it as I’m failing. I’m not doing enough for her.
Dan: Uh.
Lindsey: And so it’s been a really tough, done counseling, you know, trying to navigate how to communicate healthfully with one another so that the other person hears us properly. So that’s been a big thing. And just telling him like, Hey, I need this. I need compliments, I need these things. And he will like give me. The fullness in the bedroom of him. Like he is so emotionally in tune. He’s so connected. He’s so, he’s servant oriented. Like he foreplay goes for hours. And I know people think that that’s crazy, but like we both need that. But I can’t go from not touching, not like [00:28:00] having some moment of connection throughout the day to like fully being, being vulnerable because that really. just, it feels jarring to a woman a lot of the time. I’d say that women are like Crockpots. You’ve probably heard
Dan: Yeah. Yeah. Uh.
Lindsey: crockpots men are microwaves.
Not always, but, there’s that. And then. I will also say that on his end, what he would probably tell you is that I want all of those things, but I have a hard time going first. So I have a hard time initiating. Um, I have a hard time, like if he’s not pursuing, I get bristly instead of getting softer and pursuing him. And so I’ve had to learn. I don’t know what it is within me. I’ve actually really been trying to navigate, but in the bedroom, even when I want to pursue or initiate, I get embarrassed and I don’t know what that is. So that’s like nav counseling 1 0 1 for me. You know, I’ve gotta work through those things, but I’ve been asking the Lord. that moment to humble me because I think a [00:29:00] lot of it is pride. Like maybe it’s no, I should be pursued, or this is how it should be, but that’s a lie because I know that when we are intimate, God wins, right? Because that relationship is strengthened our next, the next day, our emotional bond is significantly stronger. We have such a deeper connection in our marriage. Our boys see the difference in our joy and flirtatiousness and playfulness, which are so important. I talk about that in the chapter, becoming Best Friends
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Lindsey: and I think all of those things, it’s so good. And so all I can think is like, the reason I’m not doing this is because the enemy doesn’t want me to.
He doesn’t want me with my spouse, he wants me to take time away. More time, more time, more time. And then the more time that goes, you feel more uncomfortable. But when I pursue and initiate, which I’ve tried every night, um, for both of us, not just me, but like we have been try,
Dan: making. You’re saying you made a conscious effort to initiate more often, is what you’re saying? Uhhuh.
Lindsey: More often? Yeah, as often as I [00:30:00] possibly can because I see the benefits of it and it has made it much more comfortable. It feels a lot less awkward than trying every once every two weeks. So I think those, I mean, there’s a few things, but those are some of the main things that we’ve navigated and worked through.
Dan: That’s good. That’s good.
Lindsay, I love this story about how you’re making a more conscious effort to initiate from your perspective.
And thanks for being so open on the podcast talking about, you know.
Lindsey: Yeah.
Dan: We, I love how real you seem to be right now, and we need, like, this is such a healthy thing to hear, like, and I’ve shared on my podcast my own struggles and failings and my intimate relationship with Emily too. But let’s, we’ve talked about your side.
What advice do you have for husbands then on the other side of the coin, what they can do, it’s the small little things to not neglect to improve their intimate relationship with their spouse.
Lindsey: Yeah. Gosh. The first thing that comes to mind, and this is something it [00:31:00] recently blew up on my social media, um, on my Instagram, living Easy with Lindsay. I talked about the walkaway wife, and a walkaway wife is a wife who’s communicated so many times what she wants or needs from her spouse, usually in terms of emotional labor that is not there, it’s not heard, or it’s not met, or it’s not seen as important, and she eventually gets to a point where she just can’t do it anymore and throws her hands
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Lindsey: And what I find in these conversations is that the sexual intimacy. Tends to decrease or completely diminish when emotional labor is not shared. And I know that this seems like a weird part of sex, but when I tell you that, most
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Lindsey: tell me if I only had more help with the dishes, if I had more help doing the laundry, if I had more help with the kids.
And granted, I know all rules look different. But my husband is a full-time working man. I’m a full-time working woman, and we both 50 50, [00:32:00] our home, our responsibilities, our partnership, because it matters and that the reason it matters is because neither of us is so worn out by the end of the day. Most of the
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Lindsey: that we don’t have space for intimacy, we’re both equally respecting of one another.
We’re honored. We feel honored by the other because. I share this in the Make, make the Dane Coffee chapter where my grandma taught me probably the best lesson ever where she said she and my grandpa were married for over 50 years because they out served one another. It was a competition, it was a game.
So she would like go clean his car and he would wake up and be like, no. So he would do all her dishes and he like learned how to sew and all of these things, and they were just, it’s like, how can we OutServe one another? marriage was beautiful and I think that we miss that, that it, it’s maybe not the actual sex in the bedroom.
It’s like what gets you there? And men complain a lot of the time. That their wife is touched out, burnt out, [00:33:00] overwhelmed, and they would be shocked that if they were like, Hey, go out. Go for a drive. Go grab a coffee. I’ve got this. Let me take on. Tell me kind of don’t tell me what needs to get done. I am fully capable.
You get out of here. I know what needs to get done and I’m gonna get it done. How much more she will serve you in the bedroom, it will be tremendous because she’s not. So burnt out and of course give grace after babies because nursing and all of that is so overwhelming. But I genuinely believe, I mean, I talk to thousands and thousands of women and that is the number one thing that comes up when sexuality is brought up.
Like, he can’t be a partner to me. Why would I give myself in the bedroom now? I don’t think that’s a biblical perspective. I don’t think we, it’s tit for tat. I don’t think we give to one another. In order for them to give back to us, but I think it’s just an a less of a burden to carry in the bedroom and she will be much more confident
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Lindsey: able to take care of herself if she’s has time to go to the gym, if she has time to listen to [00:34:00] her favorite songs, time to be with friends, she’s gonna come back flirty and thriving, you know, versus being bogged down all day at home unable to even take a breather.
Dan: Yeah. And, and to emphasize love is not transactional. You’re not doing a give to get, like
Lindsey: Yeah.
Dan: to the gym so that you’ll come home and so I’ll finally get sex with you. That’s not.
Lindsey: Thanks for clarifying
Dan: Yeah, that, that’s gonna undermine your,
Lindsey: Yes.
Dan: gonna backfire big time. But I like what you’re really talking about is investment, right?
I care about you, I wanna invest in you. What can I do to make your life a little bit better today, a little bit brighter today. That’s what you’re talking about. It’s about investment.
Lindsey: Yeah, it’s loving your spouse enough to consider their needs.
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Lindsey: consideration is one of the first things to go in a relationship a lot of the time. And when we’re willing to actually consider one another’s needs, it really, really makes a difference and shows like I prioritize you, oh, even over myself i’s [00:35:00] selfless love, and I believe that that’s where the greatest joy
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Lindsey: from.
Dan: I like that. That’s great.
Lindsey: Thank you.
Dan: Lindsay, let’s say people listen to this episode. They got your book. They have a pretty good idea now. They’re mastering the fundamentals that you teach about. You don’t. Neglect the little things. You serve each other. You’re like, all the things we talked about today.
Lindsey: Mm-hmm.
Dan: Now they’re ready for the next level. What would be your black belt sex tip? Now they’re, they’ve, they’re caring about each other. There’s foreplay happening all day outside the bedroom. They’re caring about each other. What’s the next step to make things even hotter, even better?
Lindsey: Yeah, I, okay. I think, um, for, I guess I would say, I’m not sure if it’s for women. Can I speak to women? Because I don’t know if I could
Dan: For women. Yep.
Lindsey: Yeah. Cook in your lingerie. Find a babysitter, and wear a [00:36:00] really, really cute outfit. Also, find out what your husband likes because
Dan: Mm-hmm. Uh.
Lindsey: You are his fantasy girl, but how can you dress in a way that’s like, oh my gosh, I can’t believe my wife is wearing this and do a full-blown meal. Um, you can do takeout McDonald’s if you want to.
It doesn’t matter, but just be in the kitchen heating it up and. Just enjoy it. ’cause I think a lot of the time with women there is also that like embarrassment or the lack of vulnerability to where you put it on and you’re like, okay, I’m getting in bed and I’m covering up and it’s, men are visual. And so for me, that’s just one of the things I think is so fun.
It makes me feel beautiful. It, my husband absolutely loves it. And I will cook a full meal and be dressed up with a sitter of course. And, I think I like. [00:37:00] Elongating the process, I think elongating the process, not racing through intimacy, racing through sex. It’s, it can be wherever you are, be spontaneous, be on the kitchen counter, go to wherever is fun and. Pon spontaneity really, really boosts and strengthens a relationship. It actually bonds you similar to oxytocin. It bonds you in a way where you’re experiencing novelty together. So something like that is especially unexpected, I think is one of the best things that I’ve ever done and continued to do for our marriage and sex life. Thanks. Yes. Um, so you can go to my website, sparrows and lilly.com, but you can find that link and everything else on my Instagram at Living Easy with Lindsay. I also have the Living Easy with Lindsay Podcast, where I do faith-based content, relationships, a lot of marriage talk and yeah, that’s pretty much it.
And then don’t burn your own house down is in stores [00:38:00] or online Everywhere will be in stores as of January 27th.
Dan: Great. Very good. Thank you.
Lindsey: Thank you. Thanks, Dan. Thanks so much for having me on.
Outro
Lindsey: Thank you for listening. I hope you enjoyed this episode as much as I did, and just the reminder of making everyday moments just a little bit more meaningful. I really like this quote. It says, the difference between an ordinary marriage and a extra ordinary marriage is the little extra.
Again, if you’d like a little extra help in your relationship, check out the Get Your Marriage on Program. We call it next Level ’cause we help you take wherever you are to your next level in your relationship and thank you for listening. Share this podcast with all of your married friends.
I promise they will. Thank you for life and go get your marriage on.
