Most couples think they know what’s hurting their marriage.
Poor communication. Different sex drives. Parenting disagreements. Financial stress. Growing apart.
That’s exactly what one couple thought, too.
After 18 years of marriage, they came to me convinced they knew what needed fixing. But as they peeled back the layers, they uncovered a deeper problem—one neither of them had recognized—and that discovery changed everything.
In this episode, I share the surprising reframe that brought new hope to their marriage. Along the way, you’ll discover why some conflicts keep repeating, how hidden struggles can quietly shape your relationship, and why God’s grace is far more powerful than many of us realize.
If your marriage feels stuck or you’re tired of having the same arguments over and over, this episode offers a hopeful perspective that just might change the way you see your relationship—and yourself.
And if you’d like further help, you can check out the resources on our website, including our Next Level Couples Coaching Program, Men’s Only and Women’s Only coaching programs, and our apps: Intimately Us, Just Between Us, and Spark’d.
Transcript
This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors or inaccuracies. For the most accurate and complete experience, we recommend listening to the full podcast episode.
Dan: [00:00:00] They had been married 18 years. They had four children, and they came to me saying they struggle to communicate. What I think they really mean is, as their kids have grown and they’ve hit midlife, their views and desires and who they are as people, they’re changing and evolving like we all do.
They’ve felt the gap between them grow wider and wider to the point they wonder if they can stay married.
There is a hilarious Saturday Night Live called The Joy of Marriage that has Will Ferrell, Jimmy Fallon, and Vince Vaughn in it. The setting is at a bar with friends, and Jimmy’s character, he [00:01:00] is nervous about his upcoming wedding and asks his friends for advice. So their friends, who are married tell him advice, but they’re all lies.
Dan:: They say things like, “Once you’re married, you’ll never have petty fights over things like who’s gonna refill the ice cube trays or restocking the toilet paper.” They tell him that you actually lose weight and that you’ll love your wife’s growing panty size at the same time. They tell him you’ll fall in love with your wife’s family so much that you look forward to spending every holiday with them.
They say things like, “Once you’re married, you’ll look forward to talking about finances.” They go on to lie saying that s*x is always spontaneous, deeply varied and exploratory to the point that you stop watching TV completely because you’re having so much s*x. Long make-out sessions become more and more common, and your wife’s breath, it no longer stinks once you get married.
So Jimmy’s character, he’s encouraged by his friends’ words, gets up and walks [00:02:00] off the screen, and you can probably guess what happens next. The satire is funny because anyone who’s ever been married for more than three days can see how any initial expectations for marriage feels like a fairy tale compared to the reality of learning how to live with someone that has very different desires than you do, someone very different from you, and let alone, how do you build an intimate life with someone different from you?
I absolutely love coaching couples, and there’s a specific couple that comes to mind.
They had been married 18 years about the time we were working together. They had four children, and they came to me saying they struggle to communicate. What I think they really mean is, as their kids have grown and they’ve hit midlife, their views and desires and who they are as people, they’re changing and evolving like we all do.
So they seem to disagree more and more than agree on important matters such as religion, s*x, medical philosophies, marital roles, finances, and even [00:03:00] parenting. They’ve felt the gap between them grow wider and wider to the point they wonder if they can stay married. The usual advice like, “Go on more dates,” or, “Learn each other’s love languages,” although helpful, doesn’t really get to the root of the issue for these couples.
When hope is low, what good is a date when you end up either arguing or avoiding saying the things that you really want to say, and so you end up feeling even more distant and sometimes lonely? So by the end of this episode, I’ll share with you the one reframe this couple is doing that’s actually making a difference.
But first, let me rewind. I specialize in helping Christian couples overcome s*xual struggles. As you can probably tell, I really like s*x. I think our God-given divinity is manifested to a degree through our s*xuality, and s*x strengthens the bond between a husband and a wife like nothing else. Each person’s [00:04:00] s*xuality is very personal and core to their being, and when expressed in a marriage, it can be very creative, deeply moving, and of course, really fun.
However, if my experience is anything like the experience in your marriage or a lot of the couples I work with, this doesn’t come easily. At least for me, s*x was a struggle for us for the first 13 years of our marriage. However, learning how to build and maintain a great s*xual relationship with my spouse has been one of the most rewarding things in my life, and it is the reason why Get Your Marriage On was founded
I share this with you to give you hope. I-i-if you’re having s*xual struggles now in your marriage, it doesn’t have to be that way forever. It’s not a life sentence. There’s actual tools that you can learn and do that make a real difference in your relationship.
One thing about s*x in particular and marriage in general is that it exposes our weaknesses and vulnerabilities. For example, as I get to [00:05:00] know this wonderful couple more, I learn that s*x is often a power struggle between them. He wants s*x more than she does. He sends her text messages throughout the day expressing his desire for her, how sexy, he thinks she is, and he’s hoping she’d get turned on through all this flirting.
And when she doesn’t respond favorably or warmly, he tends to get more persistent. And when she finally relents and gives in, she’s emotionally exhausted because he wore her down, and the best way to get some peace for herself is finally give him what he wants. At least he’ll be off my back for three days.
But of course, it’s not really what he wants. He wants her to desire him, but she’s just trying to accommodate and manage him. He doesn’t feel desired or chosen, so the cycle repeats. But then I dig even deeper and there’s something more. Fundamentally, he doesn’t feel like he’s good enough, but at least through s*x, he does find some sort of a sense of [00:06:00] himself.
Being s*xually desired, by the way, by someone on their own accord, is one of the most potent self-esteem boosters on the planet. It’s extremely validating when that special someone wants to express their personal, private, and divine s*xual self with you on their own accord, and he wants that. He wants to push a button to get it more often.
So his pursuit of his wife is particularly motivated by that desire to feel good, it was more specifically to feel good about himself, to feel good enough, and he’s trying to borrow that feeling from his wife. But it’s not sustainable in their marriage, so disagreements tend to be the place where each person in the marriage is trying to define themselves apart from each other.
The wife feels emotionally claustrophobic, so arguments and criticism seem to be an effective way, at least in the short term, for her to get her husband to back off and give her some space. But it’s not real peace, [00:07:00] so the cycle continues. I think all of us can relate to that feeling of not feeling good enough from time to time. I certainly have, and that pernicious thought still creeps up sometimes in various contexts in my life today. And here’s the thing, when we don’t feel like we’re good enough or we struggle to even like ourselves and like who we are, especially under stress, it’s natural to look to others to borrow a sense of self.
This is a normal aspect of psychological development. Think of it this way. Infants and children get their sense of their identity, their sense of themselves from their parents and those who care a lot about them, ’cause frankly, where else would they get it from? And if you were a child born into a family that loved you and cared for you and gave you a positive sense of your identity, that’s a great blessing.
It’s a wonderful gift ’cause it is a gift to be surrounded by good, caring individuals to help you establish a positive self-image. [00:08:00] But as we grow and develop into adults, one of the tasks of adulthood is to learn how to psychologically stand on our own two feet. This is one of the hard lessons of life that we all need to learn, and it is to learn how to like yourself, to learn how to be your own number one fan, how to have your own back, because in marriage, you can’t always borrow your sense of self from your spouse. In fact, it’s anti-er0tic and built into our DNA to not s*xually desire someone that we also psychologically depend on or that depends on us. So how do I help this couple? He wants s*x. He wants her to desire her more. He doesn’t feel great about himself all the time.
He doesn’t really like himself, but he knows that when she pursues him, he feels great. So he’s trying to get more of that out of their marriage. But uh, she rebels against that feeling ’cause it feels emotionally claustrophobic, and she ends up doing [00:09:00] duty s*x, which continues the cycle. And I think here’s the key: he needs to learn and she needs to learn both how to grow a healthier sense of themselves.
So how do you grow a healthier sense of yourself? Thankfully, most of us actually don’t have to look very far at all because the normal challenges and friction and tension that a marriage provides gives us plenty of practice opportunities to learn how to grow our sense of ourself. And here’s the good news: none of us have to do it alone.
And I want to tell you about the one factor that makes all of the difference in all of this. In a private session with the husband, I asked him about his thoughts about his feeling not good enough. He responded that he knows he could do better as a husband. He could listen better. He could make more effort helping around the house and with the kids.
He knows he should spend less time on his phone, especially in the evenings, and not raise his voice when he gets upset and try to be a better listener to his wife. [00:10:00] And I think if I gave him more time and given the same question for us, we could all make a long list of ways we all fall short, and that’s the reality.
Every one of us falls short. So then I ask the husband what he believes about God’s grace. He says, “I know I’m supposed to say Jesus loves me because that’s what I’ve been told all my life, but sometimes I even wonder about that too.” I’m grateful that this man is being honest with me. He went on to explain that he knows if he does his best, God will do the rest. But he struggles to even do his best. He said he knows God’s grace is there for us after all we can do. So I thought maybe a thought experiment would help him. I asked him to measure on a scale of one to ten how well he’s doing at his doing his best part so that God can make up the rest part.
So he said, “On a scale of one to ten, I’m about a one.” I said, “Come on, you’re not a [00:11:00] one. Try again.” He said, “Okay.” He thought for a moment. “Maybe I’m at a three or a four on most days. On my best days, maybe I’m at a six or a seven.” I said, “Okay, where on this scale then is where God’s grace kicks in? In other words, what number do you need to be at before God’s grace will kick in to make up the difference?”
He thought for a moment, and I could tell he was trying to guess where I was going with all this. He says, “Well, I instinctively wanna say I need to be at a ten because a ten means I’ve done everything in my power, and then God can extend his grace to me.
But I think you’re gonna say it’s not a ten, so maybe it’s like in the middle, like a five.” ” You’re wrong,” I say. And it was a trick question. In fact, the whole question is the wrong way to look at it all. There isn’t a line at a five or a six or a two or a three or even a ten. In fact, there is no line.
God’s grace doesn’t just make up the difference. [00:12:00] It makes all the difference. I could tell my friend was puzzled by this but intrigued, so I continued using an analogy I learned from Dr. Brad Wilcox. I asked him, “Did you take piano lessons when you were a kid?” “Yes, my parents made all the kids take piano lessons,” he said.
“Who paid for those lessons?” “Hmm, Mom did,” he said. “Did your mom expect you to pay her back for what she paid the piano teacher?” “No.” “So the lessons were a gift then. What did she want you to do because she was paying for the piano lessons?” So if any of you listening to this have ever had any music lessons as a kid, you can probably guess what his next response is. What does mom want in return? Practice. That’s right, practice. So I said to him, “So your mom’s gift to you was piano lessons, and her satisfaction was seeing that gift used.
Practice is what she asked you to do in return.” I [00:13:00] explained that this is how I now view God’s grace. God’s grace isn’t just a safety net to catch us when we mess up. I mean, it is that too, but it’s not just that. And God’s grace isn’t something that kicks in only after we’ve done our very best. God’s grace isn’t like some finite resource where it can help us if we mess up a little, but then we’re out of luck when we’ve really made a bad choice.
Through Jesus Christ, it’s all been paid for completely and totally. We’ve been redeemed through his mercy and love for us. Like the mom that’s already paid the piano teacher, God has already paid for our sins and shortcomings, but God does ask us to practice and keep practicing.
I like the idea of marriage being like a dojo of sorts to practice becoming who God wants us to be. A dojo is like a gym where karate and other martial arts is practiced. Can you think of any other area in your life where you’re pushed up [00:14:00] against someone who knows you really well, who knows your weaknesses and shortcomings as much as your spouse does?
Can you think of any other experience in life that challenges you, pushes you, stretches you, frustrates you, and where seemingly little things like ice cube trays and replacing toilet paper rolls tends to take on super-sized heated discussions?
I like to think that the Marriage Dojo pushes us to learn heaven, and this is most apparent when it comes to s*x. We don’t earn heaven, by the way, but we learn what heaven will be like so we can prepare for it through our opportunities to practice in our own marriages. Learning heaven is important. I used to think that Judgment Day would be similar to a legal court, where there’s a plaintiff and a defense and a judge, where evidence is weighed, and I plead for mercy and agonize while I wait the final verdict whether I made it or not. But as I’ve grown older, I like to think instead that the outcome of the final [00:15:00] judgment won’t be a surprise.
If anyone is doing the pleading, it is Jesus with outstretched arms inviting me to stay with Him. But the question is if I would be comfortable staying with Him along with all the other saints. Would I have learned heaven enough that I would want to stay with Him? Meanwhile, all we need to focus on right now is practice.
Practice in that marriage dojo because God’s grace is an invitation for us to change and to become more like Him. But unlike a sweaty smelling dojo, you’re practicing with someone you think is cute, sexy, and fun to be around most of the time too. My own marriage, by the way, has given me ample opportunity to practice the very things that I lack.
For example, how to be more charitable, kind, how to be bold, how to be more courageous, how to be a better listener, how to be less selfish, and to give others the benefit of the doubt. My marriage has also [00:16:00] taught me how to be more empathetic, to communicate emotionally, how to be more honest, romantic, deeply caring, strong, attractive, and to grow in every other competency, and I’m still learning these lessons.
I have so much more that I’m still learning, and it’s refreshing, though, when I think of these things as heavenly attributes. And if it weren’t for my marriage giving me opportunities to practice, I don’t know where else I’d go in life to learn these lessons as effectively. Sometimes we feel like just giving up or taking the easy way out, and I get it.
I’ve felt that way too, and that’s understandable. I did a lot of martial arts as a youth, and I even taught a kids’ class a few times a week. Those young students, they’re all still learning how to, like, place their thumbs while making a fist properly. They’re learning how to move while maintaining proper balance and various stances, and they’re still learning the proper sequence of moves when doing a kata.
So when a student messes up doing a kata, do you get up and say, [00:17:00] “You blew it. You’ll never be a black belt grand master. You should just give up and not even try.” No, that’s ridiculous. Practicing karate is not an all or none. It’s not an ei-either/or kind of a thing. The student’s options are not to be a black belt grand master now or not do karate at all.
It’s not so black and white, pun intended. But sometimes we treat our marriage like that, especially when we’re frustrated. I think a more helpful way of thinking about this is all I need to do is keep practicing Hold on to what you know and keep practicing. It’s more important to be honest and committed, and committed to trying than to give up or pretend or cover up your weaknesses.
Through practice, we learn how to like ourselves and how to stand on our own two feet. Through practice, we learn what it really means to love another person deeply. We also don’t need to be consumed about our [00:18:00] weaknesses and failings as long as we’re practicing and being honest about it. I believe that God is actually very tolerant of human weaknesses.
Think of it this way. The way Jesus treated people in the New Testament is a masterclass on this. He was deeply compassionate and quite tolerant towards his 12 apostles that seemed to quarrel with each other all the time.
He was compassionate with the woman taken in adultery and with tax collectors and the other marginalized people and people other society just labeled sinners and outcasts. He even asked the Father to forgive those that nailed him to the cross. Meanwhile, he was most harsh against those that pretended to be what they weren’t, who were stuck up in their pride and didn’t look at things honestly.
I like the parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector going up to the temple to pray, how one was really puffed up saying, “I’m better than even this tax collector,” and the other said, you know, “Have mercy on me.” God is [00:19:00] very tolerant and merciful, especially with our human weaknesses when we’re honest with him.
It’s also my testimony that I can bring all of my shame, my embarrassing weaknesses, and even my grossest sins to him, and yet he accepts me. He doesn’t push me away. He stands with outstretched arms, and his grace covers me. On my darkest days when I don’t feel like I’m good enough, the thought that he still sees value in me, sufficient value, in fact, that he was willing to pay the ultimate price and give his life for me, that thought gives me motivation to keep trying.
If he sees something of value in me , then surely I can see value in myself. If he likes me, then maybe I can learn to like myself too. The reframe that’s made all the difference in my marriage, and in this m- couple’s marriage in particular, is that, we can strengthen our faith in Jesus, and remember that he makes all the difference.[00:20:00]
We strengthen our faith when we practice faithfulness, and that can be to be more consistent at prayer, spending time in the Word of God, and serving and ministering to others as he would. Marriage is the dojo where we’re challenged and transformed to learn heavenly character. We don’t have to have it all figured out, but God’s grace is a motivator for us to keep practicing.
I hope you find the motivation and inspiration to keep practicing and find deep joy in your marriage, too. And if there’s any area of your marriage where I think heaven’s assistance could be more present, I think it would be in the s*xual domain because the way a married couple shows up s*xually is the greatest evidence of how their marriage is operating at that moment, and God’s grace is there for that.
So pray for your s*x life. Pray that you and your spouse will be able to build a stronger and more connecting s*xual relationship if that’s a part of contention in your relationship today. Doesn’t have to stay that way. And if you want some more inspiration [00:21:00] and guidance on that, I have programs such as the Next Level program for couples.
I have the app Intimately Us that’s free to download, and many other resources on our website at getyourmarriageon.com. In particular, we also start our next cohort of our men’s and women’s small groups the first week of September. And you can check out the link in the show notes for all of these resources.
It’s a good time to start thinking ahead and planning for these things. All right, friends, until next week, where next week on the podcast we’ll talk about how one busy mom found room to cultivate s*xual desire in her marriage and how you can, too. If you like this podcast, please share it with your married friends, and now go to work and let’s apply these things.
Go get your marriage on.
