I’m interested in doing a podcast episode primarily for men about understanding intimacy, especially if it wasn’t modeled in your home growing up. To be clear, I don’t mean “intimacy” as a euphemism for sex. I mean Intimacy as in relational closeness: a willingness to know and be fully known by your spouse.
Many men struggle to get emotionally close to their spouse. They confuse intimacy with sex. They think showing emotion is a sign of weakness (with the exception of anger). I don’t know how accurate this is, but I once heard this cliver quip about how men want to penetrate their wives sexually and women want to penetrate their husbands emotionally. Yet so many men have never learned how to let another person into their heart.
Today I interview Dr. Randell Turner, who’s done a lot of research and ministry around teaching men intimacy skills. He’s got an interesting story that you might relate to as well!
What We Cover in This Episode
This one is especially for the men. My guest, Dr. Randell Turner, is refreshingly humble—he calls himself a lifelong learner, not an expert, and openly shares how he “crashed and burned” through three marriages while chasing the feeling of being in love. His mess became his message.
We talk about how many men are “self-mentored”: from an early intense experience, they conclude that intimacy is sex, and spend years chasing fleeting moments instead of true closeness. Real intimacy, Randell explains, is a continuum—intellectual, emotional, social, spiritual, and physical—built on the willingness to know and be known.
We also get honest about why this is so hard: boys are groomed from childhood to mute every emotion but anger, which leaves men blind to intimacy even when their wife is offering it. I share my own clumsy moment of freezing when my fiancée cried—and what I’ve since learned about simply listening and being present.
Key takeaways
- Intimacy isn’t a synonym for sex—it’s the willingness to know and be fully known.
- Many men are “self-mentored,” mistaking sexual intensity for true intimacy.
- Real intimacy is a continuum: intellectual, emotional, social, spiritual, and physical.
- Boys are taught to mute every emotion but anger, leaving men blind to intimacy.
- You can learn these skills—often it starts with simply listening and staying present.
If this hits home, keep growing: start with what emotional intimacy really is, see why emotional connection matters so much, and explore the full guide to emotional intimacy in marriage.
Want guided help learning these skills? Our Next Level program is a great place for husbands (and wives) to grow.
