Sometimes our attempted solutions to a problem are the very thing that maintains the problem. Let me illustrate:
Veronica (name changed) contacted me for some help. She was feeling neglected and underappreciated from her husband, Tom. It was her birthday a week ago and it was underwhelming to say the least. She wanted help in knowing how to get Tom to be more thoughtful of her and appreciate her more, not just when he wanted sex.
Because better answers emerge with better information, with Veronica’s permission, I got Tom’s perspective. He says he’s been under a lot of pressure from work for a long time and it’s getting to him. He admits he hates making that excuse, but Veronica’s behavior isn’t making it easy on him.
When Veronica is hurt, she feels sorry for herself and withdraws for a time. He doesn’t want to upset her more in this state so he distances and distracts himself to feel better in the moment.
Eventually either Tom hates the ongoing distance between them and complains about her lack of sexual interest or Veronica explodes at Tom over seemingly little things, like leaving his shoes out or being on his phone in bed. After the episode this makes Veronica and Tom want to withdraw even more. So when her birthday came, Tom wasn’t sure how to proceed without upsetting Veronica so he ended up not doing much at all.
I helped this couple see that their practice of withdrawing is actually a “solution,” hence why each does it. It’s not a great solution, but it is a solution because it allows each person to get a hold of themselves by creating distance. However, this pattern guarantees that the underlying problem stays in place, maintaining a low level of intimacy between them.
Once Veronica and Tom could see their pattern more clearly, they could do something about it if they wanted to. It always takes courage to take full responsibility for yourself, but when people do, I find it very inspiring!
A few weeks later Veronica emailed to tell me that things have gotten a lot better. Tom even brought home flowers, something that meant a lot to her and he hasn’t done in years.
What “solutions” do you maintain that affect the quality of intimacy in your marriage? I invite you to take the first step to have a conversation with your spouse, or share your thoughts on our Private Facebook Page.
