Recently, we let all of you wonderful people ask us any questions you had that you wanted answers for from Dan. Here are the questions asked from you, and the answers from our amazing founders Dan and Emily!
Question: No matter how many times we discuss variety, it’s vanilla. How do I change my mindset?
Answer: First of all, kudos for saying “how do I change my mindset”. Put the locus of control on you.
Second, realize that in every marriage, having discrepancies around sexual activities, frequency, and preferences is normal. It’s only a problem if you turn it into a problem.
I recommend thinking about getting to the heart of what variety in your sex life would mean to you and why that’s so important to you. Get clear on why you want it so badly. You might be surprised by what’s under all those layers.
Then advocate for what you believe is good for your marriage. “Advocating” means standing up for what you feel is right and good. It’s a form of loving and intimacy because you’re sharing what’s important to you, without putting the pressure on the other to change.
One last thought would be to explore more middle ground. You might be surprised at how much you can enjoy “vanilla” with a little more twist.
Question: What are ways to build trust back into your marriage after you made a mistake?
Answer: Everyone makes mistakes. It’s part of being human and learning. No accomplished musician has ever gotten to their level without making thousands, maybe a million mistakes. Relationships are no different. You learn to repair well and you get better next time.
Trust takes time to build through consistently trying. As Abe Lincoln said, “Success is the ability to move on from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm.” Ask for forgiveness and trust.
Question: How do you align your plans with your partner especially in a distance relationship?
Answer: Distance is hard. Talk a lot. It’s easy to let talking go by the wayside when you’re apart for a while. One idea you could try is to set some goals and work on them together, such as making a regular time to talk, or helping each other achieve something.
Question: How to find a married community? 26 & freshly married!
Answer: Welcome, you’ve found it! We also have a Facebook group for married couples to discuss strengthening relationships, sex, and much more. Search for “Get Your Marriage On!”
Question: How important is it to read and get conscious knowledge of sexuality and intimacy to a marriage?
Answer: I believe in order to grow in any area, we need knowledge. We can only grow to the level of our understanding. It can be finance, auto mechanics, gardening, or sexuality, the principle is the same.
Question: How to rekindle desire in a session of exhaustion?
Answer: It’s normal not to feel a lot of sexual desire when you’re exhausted. I’d say adjust your expectations a bit. It’s just a season and it’s temporary. Get some rest. If possible, get some help – a family member, a babysitter, a night or weekend away, and so on.
Question: How can my fiance and I prepare towards our sex life as Christians?
Answer: Oooooo I love this question! Implied in your question is the transition from “sex is bad” before marriage to “sex is good” after marriage, which I believe is right — I believe in complete chastity before marriage.
But having the right mindset about it matters too. I say download the Intimately Us app and go through it together 😉
But seriously, research shows that Christians that internalize the message that their sexuality belongs to themselves have the easiest transition from chastity before marriage to complete fidelity in marriage.
Get comfortable with yourself, your own beautiful body, and your sexuality as all wonderful gifts from God. When you have something that’s yours, you can share it with a full generous heart to your one & only.
Question: How to stay connected when you have little ones? Parenting can be exhausting!
I’m so glad you asked, and congratulations for starting your family! Parenting, especially little ones, can be exhausting. Emily and I have six children, ages 16 to 4. We’ve been there. And it sometimes seems the universe conspires against you; when you finally think you get an intimate moment together, BOOM! You’re interrupted!
My advice is to remember that this is just a phase of life, and things tend to get better.
Second, prioritize a date night. Make it happen. Find a babysitter or family member if you need to, and when you go out, make it FUN (and not do budgeting, grocery shopping, or other mundane chores).
Third, consider turning off the TV. Have a meal together to increase face to face talk time. One couple I admire always did the dishes together after dinner so that they could have talk time.
Question: How to stop apologizing for asking for more foreplay?
I’ll do a podcast in the future that’s all about foreplay! What if you made Foreplay the main event? And don’t stop until you can’t stand it anymore and you’re both about to explode? That’d be pretty awesome! And intimate!
But I realize your question is more about how to stop apologizing for something you need. Speaking up for what you need always takes courage, so if you feel nervous, you know you’re on the right track! It’s a good sign!
I recommend taking the stance of advocacy in your relationship: assume he’s open-minded and wants to do you better. Most guys think intercourse feels good to their wife because it feels good to them, so they like to jump to that quickly. So you’re going to say, “I’m not ready for you to come in yet. Will you please touch me / kiss me / caress me longer while I look into your gorgeous eyes?”
Thank you all for asking your questions! We loved hearing from you, and hope this Q&A will help you through questions you may have in your marriage.
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