People ask me some version of this all the time: “Wait—is what you do therapy?” It’s a fair question, and the honest answer is no, not quite. I’m a marriage coach, not a therapist, and the difference is bigger than most couples realize.
A little background so you know where I’m coming from: Emily and I founded Get Your Marriage On back in 2017, and I started my private coaching practice in 2022 after a year of formal coaching training and certification. Since then I’ve personally coached hundreds of couples—one-on-one and in small groups—and led eight in-person marriage retreats. We work mostly with Christian couples.
Over those years I’ve leaned on a handful of well-researched coaching models. So let’s settle the marriage coaching vs. therapy question first, and then I’ll walk you through the four frameworks I actually use—and when each one helps.
The short version: Marriage coaching and marriage therapy overlap, but they aren’t the same thing. Therapy diagnoses and treats clinical or mental-health issues, often by digging into the past. Coaching is present- and future-focused—it helps a basically healthy couple set goals, build skills, and solve the problems they care about most. Good coaches don’t wing it; they work from proven models like Christian coaching, Solution-Focused Coaching, the Gottman Method, and the Crucible approach. Here’s how each one works and when it fits.
Marriage coaching vs. therapy: what’s actually different?
The cleanest way I’ve heard it put: therapy is defined by diagnosing and treating clinical pathology, while coaching is defined by relationship enrichment, goal achievement, and staying solution-focused (Caspi, 2005). Therapy often asks, “Where did this wound come from?” Coaching more often asks, “Where do you want to go, and what’s the next step to get there?”
Neither is better than the other—they’re different tools for different moments. If a couple is navigating active mental illness, complex trauma, or abuse, that’s therapy territory, and I’ll happily refer out. But if two basically healthy people want to reconnect, grow, and solve a specific challenge together, coaching is often the faster, more practical path. If you want a deeper look at how it actually works, I wrote a whole primer on sex and intimacy coaching.
Why a good coach works from a model (not just vibes)
Here’s something I feel strongly about: a coach shouldn’t just improvise. A solid theoretical model gives both of us a roadmap. It keeps the work structured, intentional, and ethical, and it lets me describe, explain, and even anticipate what a couple is likely to experience. The research backs this up—clients get better outcomes when interventions follow well-researched, evidence-based models (Gehart, 2023).
So when you’re shopping for a coach, it’s completely fair to ask what approach they use. Here are the four I reach for most. (Still deciding whether a coach is even the right kind of help? Compare a coach, a counselor, and a social worker first.)
1. Christian marriage coaching
Christian marriage coaching applies Christian coaching concepts and skills to help couples grow and change (Williams & Williams, 2011). At its heart it’s client-centered and client-directed—your needs and goals take center stage—built on real transparency and authenticity, and aimed at empowering you to work on what matters most to you. What makes it distinctly Christian is that Scripture, prayer, and faith formation are woven right into the process. (Curious how I blend that faith foundation with proven secular methods? See Christian vs. secular marriage coaching.)
This approach shines when a couple shares a common faith with their coach and wants Christian teaching applied to their struggles. It’s not the right fit for everyone, though. If a couple doesn’t share that worldview, or carries deep wounds from religious harm, forcing it can do more harm than good (Walker et al., 2010). If faith and intimacy is exactly the intersection you’re wrestling with, my guide to faith and a God-honoring sex life is a good place to start.
Because nearly all of my clients are Christians, I use this model constantly. A few years back I worked with a couple I’ll call Hannah and James—both active in their faith, both struggling with sexual intimacy. We kept every session focused on what they cared about. I was transparent about my own learning, and I encouraged that same honesty between them. As they grew, we shifted toward empowering them to solve their own problems, drawing on our shared faith, Scripture, and trusted resources from Christian leaders—and gently inviting God into the process. Over time they built a far healthier, more realistic view of sexuality in marriage, and a much more connected one.
2. Solution-Focused Coaching
Solution-Focused Coaching (SFC) invites you to spend your energy on solutions rather than autopsying the problem. It grows out of Solution-Focused Brief Therapy, which Steve de Shazer and Insoo Kim Berg developed by studying hundreds of real cases to find what actually drives change (de Shazer et al., 2021; Solms et al., 2022). The difference is mostly context: the brief-therapy version lives in the clinical world, while SFC brings the same toolkit into coaching. Both are well-researched, and both have a strong track record (Gingerich & Peterson, 2013; Green & Flemons, 2018).
It’s not a fit for everything—complex trauma, fresh grief, or highly mandated situations usually need something else. But for a lot of everyday marriage snags, it’s remarkably effective.
Here’s a favorite example. I once worked with a couple whose presenting concern was “bad” sex tied to the husband’s erectile dysfunction. His goal was simple: reliable erections. Once we ruled out physical and relationship causes, SFC felt right. In our first session I noticed how performance-oriented sex had become—a leftover from their long season of trying to conceive. Classic SFC uses moves like the miracle question and hunting for exceptions, then designing an intervention that exaggerates the pattern. So I gave them a challenge: go have “bad” sex on purpose, and report back. The harder they tried to fail, the sillier it got—and they realized his worry about erections was the very thing crowding out their ability to enjoy each other. Once they reoriented sex around love and appreciation instead of performance, his body relaxed and followed. So much of this comes down to understanding responsive versus spontaneous desire.
3. The Gottman Method
The third framework draws on John Gottman’s research (Gottman & Silver, 2015). Because his methods are highly structured, research-rooted, and skills-based, they translate beautifully into coaching (Zahl-Olsen et al., 2024). Gottman’s work is fantastic for building conflict-management skills, understanding each other through Love Maps, and steering clear of the behaviors that reliably predict divorce.
Its limitation is the flip side of its strength: because it’s so skills-focused, it may not be enough on its own when a couple’s issues have deep emotional roots or serious power imbalances.
One Gottman tool I use all the time is the Soft Startup—raising a complaint gently, respectfully, and without blame (Gottman & Silver, 2015). I recently coached a couple who spiraled the second conflict appeared; a small disagreement would escalate into a verbal battle that left them both hurt. After watching this play out a few times in session, I taught them the Soft Startup and had them role-play it right there until it clicked. When I followed up a week later, they told me they were finally able to talk through their differences without it turning into a fight. If you’d like to see coaching like this in action, our Peggy & Steve coaching series on the podcast follows one real couple’s journey.
4. The Crucible approach
The fourth is the Crucible approach, developed by Dr. David Schnarch (Schnarch, 2009). It has roots in psychotherapy but rejects the traditional “you’re broken, let’s fix it” framing. Instead of treating friction and sexual issues as symptoms of dysfunction, it runs on an asset model of health and growth—which makes it a natural fit for goal-oriented, client-focused coaching.
Crucible work is built on Bowen Family Systems Theory, especially something called Differentiation of Self—basically your ability to stay calm and be yourself even when your partner is anxious or pushing your buttons. This matters enormously for intimacy. Sexual desire discrepancy is one of the most common issues couples bring to coaching (Vowels & Mark, 2020), and higher levels of differentiation are linked to greater sexual satisfaction (Ferreira et al., 2014, 2016). The approach uses the very struggles between spouses as the raw material for growing each person’s differentiation—which tends to resolve a surprising range of relationship and desire problems (Schnarch, 2009). If desire gaps are your sticking point, my guide to how desire really works in marriage pairs well with this.
The downsides: it’s not as widely studied as the bigger names, and because the coach’s own differentiation is part of what makes it work, it’s genuinely hard to master from a classroom. For couples who mainly need concrete skills, a Gottman-style approach may serve them better. For a research-minded deep dive, our podcast episode on whether sex therapy actually works for libido differences is worth a listen.
Here’s how this looked in practice. A while ago I worked with a couple stuck in a painful desire gap—she wanted more, he wanted less. She’d pursue; he’d withdraw; she’d grow anxious about his lack of interest. Each person’s lower differentiation made them intensely reactive to the other. In our second session I helped them each see their part in the cycle and where it was headed if nothing changed. Then I gave them specific assignments to build differentiation: self-soothing to lower reactivity, a “hugging till relaxed” exercise that brings the body into it, and journaling prompts to help each of them author their own story. Within a few sessions they were moving through the desire gap and inviting real intimacy back in.
So which approach is right for you?
If you take one thing from all this, let it be this: a good coach isn’t loyal to a single method—they match the tool to the couple in front of them. Christian coaching, Solution-Focused Coaching, the Gottman Method, and the Crucible approach each shine in different situations, and part of my job is knowing which one (or which blend) fits your season. (Wondering how to vet a coach before you commit? Here’s how to choose a marriage coach you can trust.)
And honestly? The specific framework matters less than showing up with curiosity, humility, and a willingness to grow together. That’s the real engine behind every model on this list.
Ready to work on your marriage?
If reading this stirred up a “that’s us” feeling, you don’t have to sort it out alone. Our team works with Christian couples who are ready to grow—you can learn how our sex and intimacy coaching works and whether it’s a fit for where you are. And if you’d rather start on your own tonight, the free Intimately Us app is a low-pressure way to reconnect and have a little more fun together. And when you’re ready for real support, join our Next Level program or work privately with a coach.
Frequently Asked Questions
Therapy diagnoses and treats clinical or mental-health issues, and often explores your past to do it. Coaching is present- and future-focused: it helps a couple set goals, build skills, and solve the problems they care about most right now. Neither is better—they’re different tools for different needs.
Yes, especially when the coach works from a researched, evidence-based model instead of improvising. Approaches like Solution-Focused Coaching and the Gottman Method have solid research behind them, and couples tend to get better results when their coach follows a proven framework.
If you’re dealing with active mental illness, complex trauma, abuse, or a crisis, start with a licensed therapist. If you’re basically healthy and want to grow, reconnect, communicate better, or reach specific goals together, coaching is often a great fit. Plenty of couples benefit from both in different seasons.
It’s coaching that weaves in a shared Christian worldview—Scripture, prayer, and faith formation—alongside proven coaching skills. It works best when both spouses share that faith and want it applied to their marriage, and it’s usually not the right fit for couples who don’t share that worldview or carry wounds from religious harm.
References
Caspi, J. (2005). Coaching and social work: Challenges and concerns. Social Work, 50(4), 359–362. https://doi.org/10.1093/sw/50.4.359
de Shazer, S., Dolan, Y., Korman, H., Trepper, T., McCollum, E., & Berg, I. K. (2021). More than miracles: The state of the art of solution-focused brief therapy. Taylor & Francis Group.
Ferreira, L. C., Narciso, I., Novo, R. F., & Pereira, C. R. (2014). Predicting couple satisfaction: The role of differentiation of self, sexual desire and intimacy in heterosexual individuals. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 29(4), 390–404. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681994.2014.957498
Ferreira, L. C., Narciso, I., Novo, R. F., & Pereira, C. R. (2016). Partners’ similarity in differentiation of self is associated with higher sexual desire: A quantitative dyadic study. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 42(7), 635–647. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2015.1113584
Gehart, D. R. (2023). Mastering competencies in family therapy: A practical approach to theories and clinical case documentation (4th ed.). Cengage Learning US.
Gingerich, W. J., & Peterson, L. T. (2013). Effectiveness of solution-focused brief therapy: A systematic qualitative review of controlled outcome studies. Research on Social Work Practice, 23(3), 266–283. https://doi.org/10.1177/1049731512470859
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (2nd ed.). Harmony Books.
Green, S., & Flemons, D. (Eds.). (2018). Quickies: The handbook of brief sex therapy (3rd ed.). W. W. Norton & Company.
Schnarch, D. M. (2009). Passionate marriage: Love, sex, and intimacy in emotionally committed relationships. W. W. Norton & Company.
Solms, L., Koen, J., van Vianen, A. E. M., Theeboom, T., Beersma, B., de Pagter, A. P. J., & de Hoog, M. (2022). Simply effective? The differential effects of solution-focused and problem-focused coaching questions in a self-coaching writing exercise. Frontiers in Psychology, 13, 895439. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.895439
Vowels, L. M., & Mark, K. P. (2020). Strategies for mitigating sexual desire discrepancy in relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 49(3), 1017–1028. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-020-01640-y
Walker, D. F., Reese, J. B., Hughes, J. P., & Troskie, M. J. (2010). Addressing religious and spiritual issues in trauma-focused cognitive behavior therapy for children and adolescents. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 41(2), 174–180.
Williams, J., & Williams, J. (2011). Marriage coaching: Heart, hope, and skills for a great relationship. Grace & Truth Relationship Education, LLC.
Zahl-Olsen, R., Thuen, F., & Bertelsen, T. B. (2024). The effectiveness of the in-person and online Gottman Seven Principles Couple Enhancement Program: A propensity score matching design. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 50(4), 882–898. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12726
