I’ve committed the last seven years and the foreseeable future to learning, teaching, and coaching about the biggest challenges to building a passionate, intimate marriage.
Yesterday I had a call with a wonderful couple. I could tell right away they love each other!
Like most normal couples, after about a decade into their marriage, they struggle a lot with differences in sexual desire. Sex isn’t enjoyable, and passion is a struggle.
From the Wife’s Perspective
When I asked why they struggle, the wife responded: “I was told after we’re married, sex would be great…. but if I don’t give my husband sex whenever he wants it, he’ll stray by looking at porn or having an affair.”
“If I say no, he’ll get moody and pout. If I say yes, I feel resentful. I just can’t win. Sex feels like a chore, and I do it because I know it’s supposed to be an important part of marriage.”
She concluded that she grew up in “purity culture”. It seems like it’s the popular trend for influencers, academics, and authors today to attack the church by saying these messages have damaged marriages. But I don’t think the issue is “the church.”
The heart of the issue is establishing one’s value or beliefs on things external to you. It’s an outside-in approach. This sweet wife has made sex something that’s oriented around her husband, not something that’s true to herself.
I advocate for striving for personal purity. But instead of “purity culture,” we need “integrity culture.”
Integrity is living from the inside-out. It’s more honest. It’s courageous. It’s living true to the best within you. Rather than just living by rules, I also think this is what Christ’s higher law was all about.
Ezra Benson said, “The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in. The world would take people out of the slums. Christ would take the slums out of people, and then they would take themselves out of the slums. The world would mold men by changing their environment. Christ changes men, who then change their environment. The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature.”
Instead of: “If you don’t give your husband sex, he’ll stray”
Integrity culture says, “What is my responsibility with my sexuality, and how do I want to share my sexuality with my husband?”
Instead of: “It’s been a week and he’ll get grumpy if I don’t initiate tonight.”
Integrity might be “Why do I tend to engage when I know it feels like a chore and I’ll feel more resentful afterwards? Is there a better way?”
Instead of: “I don’t have sexual desire, I only do it for him.”
Integrity could be “Why don’t I have sexual desire? What am I afraid of facing about my own sexuality?”
From the Husband’s Perspective
For this husband, there were three patterns that got in the way of creating a passionate marriage:
- When he wanted sex and she didn’t, he would get preoccupied by her libido and try to fix it. He’d do a number of nice things for her and then ask for sex only on occasion, but keep score in the process. She could sense his ulterior motives from a mile away, and was turned off by it.
- When he felt rejected, he would explain, again, about his sexual needs, and that she shouldn’t deny him, referencing what he heard someone else say in Church. These talks (arguments) often left her feeling even less desire because it made sex something she does for her entitled husband.
- When they would finally have sex, he would put a lot of performance pressure on himself for his wife to have an orgasm because he thought, “if only she climaxed, she’d love sex, and if she’d love sex, it will make her want him more.” However, she felt like a project during sex and got in the way of her being able to enjoy the full experience.
Honesty and integrity are the foundation of a great sex life. The heart of integrity focuses on the inside-out approach instead of the outside-in approach.
Instead of, “I do nice things for my wife. Why doesn’t she get turned on?”
Integrity culture could be, “I’ve been manipulative and subtle. My approach to initiating sex is transactional, and not rooted in whole-hearted cherishing of her. My wife can sense this, and I’m co-creating a marriage of low-desire.”
Instead of, “Men have sexual needs, and it’s wrong for you to deny your husband.”
Integrity culture says, “I’ve married a person that’s wired differently than me, has less testosterone than me, and doesn’t think about sex as often as I do. She’s not the problem. How I react when I don’t get what I want is the problem.”
Instead of, “If only I could get her to have more orgasms, her libido would increase to match my levels.”
Integrity culture could be, “The best part of sex is already happening the moment I feel her skin on mine. I appreciate this beautiful woman in my life and am fortunate to bask in her divine femininity.”
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