Many couples silently wrestle with desire gaps, fear, and the ache of emotional disconnect when something doesn’t land the way they hoped.
A few years ago, my wife and I were driving home from a great date night. The conversation had been light, full of laughter, and I was feeling good—hopeful, even—about where we were in our relationship.
As we drove, I built up the courage to ask for something new I wanted to try in bed. I was feeling quite vulnerable. Asking would be risky. I wasn’t sure how she’d respond, but I hoped the emotional connection of the evening might make it easier.
She didn’t respond the way I hoped.
She got quiet, then tearful. Her tears felt like a gut punch. I immediately felt awful, like I had hurt her. I didn’t mean to. I was just trying to share something personal, something tender, and something I found erotic. But now she was in pain, and I was in panic.
I didn’t know what to do. So I dropped it. I decided to not bring it up for a long time.
We couldn’t talk about that part of our relationship—not because we didn’t care, but because we didn’t know how to stay calm enough to talk through differences like adults.
Here’s what I’ve learned: you can’t have important conversations about sex—your desires, your fears, your pain—until you learn how to first soothe your own nervous system.
When emotions run high, your thinking brain goes offline. Your body gets hijacked by fear and goes into flight, fight, or freeze mode. And when that happens, you can’t be open and curious. You can’t listen, and you can’t offer love. You just react.
Step one in having a better sex life? Learn how to calm yourself down. Breathe. Pause. Take a walk. Get a drink of water. Put in the reps to practice regulating your nervous system. Don’t assume the worst. Reassure yourself you’re okay.
Only then can you be in a place where you can have the crucial conversations that invite the kind of sexual intimacy that feels truly safe, and truly alive.
