Welcome to our second Sextember episode!
For this month, every episode will be filled with ideas to add more spice and excitement to your bedroom as part of our Sextember series. Last week, my guest, Tammy Camp, and I talked about flirting and initiating. So today we’re going to build on that and talk about another spicy and exciting topic: putting the play back in foreplay!
Foreplay in my opinion is the best part of an intimate encounter. Foreplay is how you set the stage for how intimate and connecting the experience is going to be.
And by the end of this episode, you’ll learn the grand key to unlock amazing foreplay in your marriage.
And it’s something anybody can do. We’ll give you specific tips and ideas as well. I’ll also address some questions that you listeners have sent in anonymously about foreplay.
I’m joined by Amy Langford, a certified marriage and intimacy coach that works with me in my Get Your Marriage On program. She’s been married for over 25 years to her husband, Greg, has four children and one son-in-law, and is passionate about helping couples uplevel their marriage.
Resources:
Intimately Us App (join the Sextember challenge here!)
Women’s Small Group Coaching (Cohort starting in October)
Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.
Transcript
This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors or inaccuracies. For the most accurate and complete experience, we recommend listening to the full podcast episode.
Episode 205
Dan: Welcome to our second sex timber podcast episode. Woo. For this month, every episode will be filled with ideas to add more spice and excitement to your bedroom as part of our sex timber series. Last week, my guest Tammy camp, and I talked about flirting and initiating. So today we’re going to build on that and talk about another spicy and exciting topic.
Putting the play back in foreplay. Foreplay in my opinion is the best part of an intimate encounter. Foreplay is how you set the stage for how intimate and connecting the experience is going to be. Foreplay by the way is far more than how your rubber each other, prior to the grand finish,
there’s a tremendous amount of nonverbal communication going back and forth between you and your spouse during foreplay conveyed in a very powerful language. For some confidence in the bedroom. Is there a struggle because frankly foreplay’s exposing and that can feel really uncomfortable.
For others.
It’s the idea of rushing through foreplay to get to the quote unquote main event so that they can check it off the list and move on with other more important things like sleep.
So, I’m glad you’re listening to this episode today because by the end of this episode, you’ll learn the grand key to unlock amazing foreplay in your marriage.
And it’s something anybody can do. We’ll give you specific tips and ideas as well. I’ll also address some questions that you listeners have sent in anonymously about foreplay.
Today, I’m joined by Amy Langford. She’s a certified marriage and intimacy coach that works with me in my, get your marriage on program.
If you haven’t heard, this is my signature program for any couple, at any stage of marriage that wants to transform their marriage into something more intimate, alive, vibrant, passionate, and meaningful. First. It includes a comprehensive course. Second, it includes private and group coaching to help you implement those tools. Third, it includes a supportive community.
I guarantee that if you’re a coachable person and you follow this program, you’ll have a new marriage while still being married to the same spouse. And more information about this program is on our website@getyourmarriageon.com.
So Amy, my guest today is one of the coaches that I have the honor of working with a little bit about her.
She’s been married for over 25 years to her husband. Greg has four children and one son-in-law. And is passionate about helping couples Uplevel their marriage. And she’s very good at it.
Amy, it is so fun that you get to come on my podcast again. We talk like every week so that we don’t sit down and like record a podcast. And this is something that, you know, I’ve been talking about a lot. And I think our listeners would really like, especially that it’s Sextember is this idea of foreplay.
So I want to ask you, how has your idea of foreplay evolved over the years?
Amy: drastically evolved. used to mean just the magic buttons up, down, left, right, 7, whatever it was
Dan: What’s the combo.
Amy: get these, What’s the combo. the magic combo to get things going right before a sexual encounter and foreplay now is the fun and passion and lightheartedness and exchanges whether it’s kisses, texts, hugs, looks, jokes, All the exchanges and interactions that happen between us that communicate how much we just enjoy each other.
Dan: Like, was there a time when it wasn’t enjoyable? When maybe Greg would make a pass or a move?
Amy: Oh yes, we call it the cheat grab.
Dan: Uh huh. Cheat grab.
Amy: The cheat grab. So
Dan: Oh, cheap. Gotcha. As in inexpensive.
Amy: I don’t know. Yes. The low blow. No. Um,
Dan: Below the belt. Uh
Amy: below the belt. Yes. Like unexpected, not, not prepared. Like say I was, you know, sleeping and he was in bed and he’d roll over and like grab my breast. And I’d be like, first of all, don’t wake me up when I’m sleeping.
That’s the first like no go. Right. Do not wake up a sleeping woman. And it used to make me so mad, but his assumption was that it felt so good. And so, I think we’ve learned, you know, there are times and ways and how to reach and flirt and touch and play and talk with each other. what the meanings of that is that work for both of us [00:05:00] me being able to say, I really love it when you do this or when you talk to me this way or when you hold me this way and him being able to say the same. So that when you are flirting, that it’s mutually enjoyable when you are in the foreplay that it is play for both and that’s pleasurable for both,
right? There’s not, Any displeasure or, You know, pain or something that’s not going well.
Dan: you’re touching on some great concepts. One is it’s got to be playful. It is this like playful, fun. We’d use the word Eros energy, right? This like fun, excited, but you’re yes. It’s replenishing. It’s rejuvenating. It’s welcome. Right.
Amy: Yes.
Dan: But you’re also something I want to point out to the listener is you’re communicating to Greg, your husband, like.
This is how I want to be engaged with instead.
Amy: many, Thank you. spouses, whether it’s women or men, are hesitant to say, you know, I really love it when I really like this kind of touch. I love to be touched in this way or held this way or kissed this way or I love it when you talk dirty to me or I love it when you use these particular words or when you give me this look or when we play this role like, you know, whatever the role, when we play in forbidden or experienced and unexperienced, like this is just so much fun.
And so learning what those. Ways to communicate and play are that are mutually pleasurable and fun and playful for both people is really, really helpful. And for some reason, we’re all just a little hesitant to share that.
Dan: Uh, you mentioned there was a client you were coaching and, something about her not realizing she told her husband what she liked to hear. Can you tell me that story again?
Amy: Yeah, sure. She was getting ready for work trying to leave and her husband was thinking, wow, she just looks so hot. So she’s like flat ironing her hair and he comes up behind her and grabs her breast and she’s like, yeah,
Dan: Uh huh. Uh huh.
Amy: he’s thinking like, wow, like this is so exciting.
Dan: Uh huh.
Amy: as I was coaching with her, I was asking, you know, is there a way you love to be approached?
And is there a way that you really find enticing to interact with him? And she was saying, yes, I really love when he, you know, sends me a dirty text or when he talks, whispers something dirty in my ear. And, or I love it when he says these, you know, particular words
Dan: Uh huh.
Amy: and I’m, I asked her, have you told him that? And she was like, uh, no,
Dan: Uh huh.
Amy: I never have.
Dan: Kind of funny. You live with the person, but you don’t tell them.
Amy: And it’s much easier sometimes to just say, stop that, don’t do that, rather than maybe you say, Hey, you know, I really think you’re trying to play here and here’s how I’d really love to play.
And this could be really fun. And how about. dot dot dot, right?
Fill in that blank and you start to learn how to play together.
It’s almost like, you know, when you get a board game and you get the rules of the game, like you’re creating your own board game and the rules of that game and how you can play and keep that playful and, and light and passionate and fun.
And you’re both like on the same terms.
Dan: Yeah, yeah, and now it’s a game. I want to engage in and play with All
Amy: right.
Dan: right Well, Amy, I’m looking forward to more conversation about this. So I have some scenarios that people have written in And I want to read a few of them and we’ll talk about them. Ready?
Amy: Okay.
Dan: Okay. This is all have to do with foreplay and confidence in the bedroom and initiating all of this that we’re talking about today.
How does keep that playful energy alive in the bedroom? Here’s the first one. This is a wife and she says, My husband and I have been married for three years. I guess you can say I lack confidence in the bedroom. I feel shy and embarrassed in lingerie and I prefer to have the lights off. When we’re in bed, I don’t really know what to do and so I just let him lead.
I can tell he senses my reservation about really letting go. He’s kind, but I can also tell he wants me to be more engaged in sex, but I don’t even know where to start. Any suggestions?
Amy: Yes. just like when you are learning something new, you, you have to just give yourself freedom to try and do it. learn in the process. There’s always a learning curve, right? Whether you’re learning a new job or a new skill or a new hobby or what, whatever. I recently have been starting to learn how to ride a horse.
I don’t know anything about horseback riding, so I have to ask a lot of questions and try things and some things work and some things don’t. And confidence isn’t about doing things perfectly. Confidence is built in understanding that you’re going to take that feedback and keep learning from it.
Dan: It’s like a commitment to the process. Yeah.
Amy: a commitment to the process, not a level of performance or perfection. And so confidence is built in the trying, in the stepping out, in the [00:10:00] doing and saying, how does this feel? Do you like this kind of touch? Well, you want to try this kind of touch on me or this type of, you know, interaction or what have you, and you learn together.
And I think the expectation is that we will already know All of these things, but the beautiful part is it’s what you learn and build together.
Dan: Yeah, yeah. Do you think some people, like this, wonderful wife that emailed in, she’s, doesn’t feel confident in the lingerie, so she’s not wearing it, she’s not using it. But if she were to really own it and try it and just embrace the awkwardness of it, perhaps over time, she will feel that confidence in it.
If she keeps trying, is that kind of the
Amy: yes, it’s the keep trying, keep learning, keep exploring. I also think women have a really high, high standard
Dan: Yeah, the expectation is so
Amy: expectations their bodies.
Dan: thing, then
why even, why even try?
Amy: And the female form is the symbol of Eros, period. Whatever form, if you’re a female and you have a body, your female form is erotic. And so learning to see the eroticism that is just inherently in the female form is what allows you to step into that. You’re a female. You have a body. Guess what? You’re erotic.
Dan: Yes. Very good. And to kind of trust that. Good.
Amy: To trust it and to learn to lean into it and discover how pleasurable that can be.
Dan: I think this principle applies to anything that you’re not confident in at first, but as you keep trying, keep trying, this goes for, in this case, you know, she kind of lies there and let her husband kind of take over. And she’s like, well, I don’t know what to do. Well start somewhere and lower the bar or the expectation.
Amy: Ask.
explore, read, try.
Dan: Mm hmm.
Amy: The worst that can happen is you say, That didn’t feel good. Let’s try something else.
Dan: I heard of a couple that they would have time set aside for sex, and they’d have other time set aside for quote unquote sex, but it was purely for learning and exploration, and it was like a practice run or a dry run. And
you know, it’s all sex and but in their minds, it compartmentalize, it separated it to something that there’s no performance element in it.
It’s, it’s
just, we’re just figuring this out kind of a thing. And it took the anxiety of everything way, way, way down.
And
Amy: yes. I think that is a lot of what we deal with is the anxiety and learning to be present in that sexuality has an inherent anxiety and the newness and the openness and the vulnerability and exposure of it, and learning to lean into that and recognize, It’s part of the beauty of learning. There, there’s such a depth there, and you get to lean into what you don’t know, and what you don’t yet understand, and what you have to learn, and nobody knows all of this yet.
Dan: right.
Amy: all what we get to learn.
Dan: Great. This next question is also from a wife. She writes in to say, Thanks to this podcast, our sex life has gotten better in the last few months. Woohoo!
Amy: Woohoo!
Dan: And that our attitudes have changed about sex being, it used to be about duty and fulfilling needs. So, I guess they’re moving away from that kind of a concept.
Amy: Yay!
Dan: Great. Orgasms are rare for me though, and I’d like to have more orgasms regularly. What are we missing that can help us have more pleasure together in bed?
Amy: Mm hmm. Without any details, it’s kind of hard to shoot into the dark of that, but I think just learning to enjoy the pleasure and follow the pleasure, be watching for any type of performance type thoughts that start coming into your mind, like, I have to do this. finish in a certain way or it has to happen in this time frame or I have to show up in this certain way.
Those types of thoughts will pull your body out of that relaxed state that allows you to naturally enter into orgasm. I think a willingness to try new methods of touch and approach and arousal and, um, even interactions, like whether that’s role play or positions, just a willingness to explore without performance anxiety, without the pressure performance, I should say, there will always be a little bit of anxiety, but without that pressure, is likely going to be helpful. I think to recognizing that a woman’s orgasm is very different than Or a process or of arousal to orgasm is very different than a men. And oftentimes I talk to women, they [00:15:00] don’t realize that they can be stimulated for a while and then need to pull back and relax and then have a different type of stimulation or maybe a little bit more and then pull back and relax.
And they don’t recognize the, wave of it
as opposed to more of like a linear line that is the male arousal.
Dan: right, right
Amy: So having permission to pull back, hold that energy in, and then start again.
Dan: speaking as a husband and I’ve shared this on my podcast before too but there was a period in our marriage where Emily wasn’t having orgasms very often and That bothered me as a husband. I kind of took it upon myself. I made it a reflection of me And I remember keeping track like,
like, uh, it was like my, uh, my, my batting score, my, my, yeah, exactly how good I’m doing.
I’m like, I’m, I’m one out of 13. This is not good or whatever. Right. Like that’s the way I would measure it, measure me. And, I think my wife could, oh, well, I don’t think I knew she could sense that. Right. So every time we engage
Amy: you bring that anxiety
and into that,
bring
Dan: though
Amy: energy
Dan: my words might be kind and sweet, just, but the energy behind the whole interaction was really about, she’s a project and
she had to come or else I’m a failure.
So
I think, um, having, like when you make orgasm, the goal, it,
Amy: Mm hmm.
Dan: uh, it ruins the orgasm. It, it, cause orgasm can only live in this playful, like what we’re talking about today, this fun, playful. Pleasurable state when you make
it an outcome that must be achieved in order for it to mean something about you.
I think it Introduces too much anxiety the body just can’t relax into it,
Amy: Right. And even though it seems strange, the body actually enters into orgasm from a relaxed state.
And so when you start introducing that anxiety and that pressure, or even those thoughts in your mind, um, it inhibits that ability to reach that stage.
And often, women haven’t given themselves enough chance to explore what they like to be thinking about in their minds.
Dan: Mm
Amy: So what type of erotic thoughts help keep them present, help keep them in the pleasure of their mind, help keep them focusing on, oh, this feels really good and I really love it when, and it’s so amazing that I’m being spoiled this way and I love playing in this energy.
They haven’t allowed their minds to fully step into that experience. it might sound like I am the turn on and I love being the turn on, or, you know, like that full permission to step in, is really helpful, for women often to reach orgasm. They, they may be holding back in their mind, like their body is fully aroused, but their mind, like, thinking stressful or, other type of thoughts that don’t allow them to fully enter that space.
Dan: I think you just said something profound. You said, in the act, you are relishing in being pampered. Have you always had that mindset yourself?
Amy: No.
Dan: No? Okay. Tell us about that transition for you.
Amy: where it was like, lights off, hide, you know, being afraid to be in my body, being afraid to see its eroticism and the nature of it, being afraid to fully step into sexuality and my own sexuality because maybe that was a slippery slope that then I might, you know, somehow not be a good mom if I was a sexual person or people might know what’s happening behind closed doors or, you know, Maybe it would, I don’t know, there was just all of these fears, and when I started just really embracing, I am a sexual being, and that is a blessed thing to be, and this is a blessed state to be in, and this, I am okay to be the turn on, I am okay to receive this pleasure, I am okay to be in this pleasure, this is such a good space for us, for me, for our marriage, like those were the types of thoughts I started to really embrace and to allow, um, and that does change your experience.
you can step in a lot more.
Dan: Another woman told me how she doesn’t like, the attention she gets in sex ’cause she takes a long time. So she’s thinking he must be bored, he must be whatever. And what helped her through that was a new thought, which was, gosh darn it, I serve everyone, I help everyone else all day. This is my turn to get pampered.
It’s
Amy: be spoiled.
Dan: Yes, I’m a queen. I treat me like
Amy: Spoil me for as long as it takes
and I’m gonna enjoy and receive and you use the word relish many of the two relish in all of the receipt of that. I put my mom hat aside, I put all my other hats aside and I am just going to be a sexual goddess that is [00:20:00] receiving,
Dan: I love that. Right, right.
Amy: I love, I think it’s um, Esther Perel who says, I’m gonna not quite get this quote right, but she says, it’s great when, when spouses can buy a home and be parents and lovers in it, right?
When you can balance both of those. Yes, you’re parents. Yes, you’re doing all the responsible things and going to work and paying the bills. And you can be naughty and you can be playful and you can be lovers and you can be passionate and you can balance both of those and both of them are true. And they actually feed each other.
The passion and the energy and the aeros. Feeds your capacity to be able to do all of that parenting and responsibility and work and it binds you together in the playfulness of the life giving arrows, which then feeds your ability to do all this structure, right? It becomes this, um,
Dan: Virtuous cycle. Yeah.
Amy: of goodness
that.
you can draw on so you don’t get burned out, exhausted, you know, just strung out.
And so Yes, allow yourself to be spoiled, to receive. And the husbands that I talk to, or those that, you know, maybe are responsive desire and take a little longer, the spontaneous desire, they don’t mind.
Dan: No.
Amy: They love that presence of being able to savor that experience and the expression of giving and receiving and the closeness and all of the meanings of that. physical connection are so powerful. Oh,
Dan: therapist to help her have more orgasms. And the sex therapist was trying to work with her, they tried all of these things, they talked about all of these things, and nothing was quite working until at the very end of the session, she found out that they only spend 10 minutes in sex.
So she had this concept that I should be able to cum just as fast as my husband does. And, um, it’s not reality. Women just take longer. Relative to men. Or, that’s a very male centric way of saying it. Let me say it more female centric. Men, you guys go way too fast. Right?
The men are the weirdos. Women’s got it right.
Right? That’s correct. It’s
Amy: Why not savor whole experience?
Dan: Right, So I’ve worked with women too. They’re like, how come, you know, I get so mad that my husband can come so fast and so easy and it takes me so long. And I love what you’re saying. Like, no, no, no, no. Let’s, let’s try to flip this on its head.
Like you’ve been taking care of everyone else all day long. Maybe this is mother nature’s way or God’s design to, to actually
Amy: To replenish, to
spoil,
Dan: finally you receive.
Amy: fill you. Yes. To
Dan: If you came any faster all the time, then, you miss out on the bond that can be formed in that relationship.
So it’s a good and beautiful thing that, uh, you might take 20 or 30 minutes to come. That’s great. That’s a wonderful thing.
Amy: Or longer, and that’s
still wonderful, it’s not really about the time, it’s about savoring, and exploring, and touching, and learning, and sharing, and that, the intimacy of that.
Dan: Yes. Love it. right. Next question. This is from a husband. He says, my wife and I have been married over 20 years and I’d say we have a great marriage. We communicate well and are very invested in each other’s happiness. Our sex life is good too, albeit a little routine. we’re ready for more spice.
I think he’s saying I’m ready for more spice.
Amy: Yeah, usually. Mm.
Dan: lack of ideas. But the confidence to express those ideas unabashedly. It’s scary to think what my spouse would think if I told her all the new things I want to try.
Amy: hmm. It is scary.
Dan: Yeah?
Amy: hard to share our intimate sides. It’s hard to share our fantasies. There is that fear of rejection. There is fear of what if they think I’m totally all for weird or strange.
but yet without that willingness to share and be vulnerable, you will stay in the same place, right? You won’t be able to expand and explore and learn and grow. So it does take courage.
Dan: Yeah. And I think often in these scenarios we want our spouse to go first. To lead it, lead out, right?
Amy: Or to say, you know, I’ve just been wondering, what are all your sexual fantasies that we haven’t talked about,
right,
Dan: right, you want them to tell you first. Ha ha ha
Amy: We don’t want to be the ones to have to lead out on
that conversation and be that exposing,
sure.
Dan: And there’s some truth to this too, I think, where, well, the reason why you’re not doing all [00:25:00] those fun sexual fantasies in your mind that you want to do is you’ve been married long enough to this person that you pretty much know what the answer is going to be before it leaves your mouth, right?
Like,
Amy: Yes and no. I mean, I feel like our relationship has changed so much over the last 10 years that if you’re always assuming, you know, you kind of boxed your relationship in.
Dan: hmm.
Amy: are areas of expansion and there are new ways of thinking about things and seeing things and there are a lot of couples who Learn to explore or add in more as time goes on.
And I think that’s part of the beauty of how marriages and people expand.
Dan: Mm,
Amy: sometimes when you share, you might get a no at first, and then that person thinks about a little longer and maybe it becomes a maybe,
or maybe there’s some part of it, or they say, well, not that, but how about this?
Dan: right, right. Like, a scenario could be the husband turns to his wife. , it’s like, I really want to try a role play with you. And for her, she’s like, no.
Amy: Mm hmm. Mm
Dan: it’s easy for him to feel shut down, rejected, and make it mean like, here we go again. You know, we’re just back to vanilla, same old boring sex that I’m not excited about.
And for her, she’s probably thinking like, How dare he even ask me that? He knows I’m not comfortable with this. Like, why would he want to pretend to have sex with a different woman? Why does he, why doesn’t he want me? And there’s all these meanings that we put with, with things like that. And I think that’s where the conversation stops for couples.
And I think if they push themselves a little further and go a few layers deeper, I think that’s where the they can have definitely a different kind of an outcome. What are some examples of going deeper?
Amy: I think the biggest emotion to draw on is curiosity because so often we have an assumption about what that means to our spouse that we don’t actually know. In fact, Greg and I actually had a conversation recently. I can’t share all of it here, but it was Okay, so tell me more. What would that mean to you?
What is enticing to you about this? What part of that is interesting? Or if it’s the other person who shared and the spouse has said no, what part are you afraid of? Or what insecurities does that bring up? Or what is the no in that? You know, like getting more curious on either side about what’s happening for the other person.
And sometimes There can be things that can be resolved or ways to shift or, or, you know, navigate that or talk through it. And sometimes not, but at least there’s a lot more understanding around that. And so staying in the curiosity of, can you tell me more about what that means to you and, and what you find interesting, enticing, alluring, arousing in that.
Dan: Love it. Great. Alright, last question. My wife and I are both really bad at initiating sex. Last weekend we got a sitter and went out on a date. We had a great time together. When we got home, I can safely say we both knew that we were hoping to have sex, but we took the easy way out and turned on a show.
Amy: Hmm. Mm
Dan: then we let it autoplay to the next, and to the next, until we were both too tired for sex, and we just went to bed. We were both a bit disappointed. But why is initiating sex so hard for us, and how can we make it better?
Amy: Initiating sex there is always that chance of rejection, right?
So there is that reaching out where you’re like, oh, they could say no and that could hurt and I could feel rejecting. So there is always some courage in the person who is initiating, for sure. and It takes intentionality to not just fall into the patterns of what’s easy.
I was, I was just talking to another couple today and they were wanting more time together, yet they spent four hours every night watching TV, but sitting on separate couches. And so just asking if you’re wanting to create, you have all this time,
you’re in the same space, if you’re wanting connection, what might be more connecting. Maybe just sitting on the same couch, maybe having a code word, maybe taking a walk, maybe having a time you turn off the TV and say, okay, now it’s our playtime. in this couple, either one of them just summoning the courage to say, you know, I’ve really enjoyed this time with you. I’d love to keep going.
Can we
Dan: Can we turn this
Amy: into the bedroom?
Yeah.
Dan: Uh huh.
Amy: Can we continue? It does take courage, and I think that’s why marriage and intimacy is so expanding, because it does require so much courage.
Dan: Absolutely. And I think the corollary is also true. The more courageous things you do in life, the more you expand who you are as a person, it [00:30:00] definitely bleeds out in the bedroom too.
Amy: Mm hmm. And I think that the intimacy that grows from courage is well worth it.
Dan: Oh yeah, Thank you, Amy. This has been a fantastic episode. This is really
Amy: Thank you.
Dan.
Dan: Thank you.
Amy: So fun. So everyone go have fun.
go play.
Dan: go play. Yep. Let’s put the play back in foreplay. Great.
