We’re just over half way through Sextember!
We crave safety and stability in our intimate relationships.
However, as much as we long for safety and stability, it’s also in our nature to crave newness and adventure. I mean, who really wants to eat the same meal every day for the rest of their life? We love variety in our food, new cars, gadgets, hairstyles, music, shows—everything!
So, it’s no shock that we also crave novelty in the bedroom. Wanting new experiences with your spouse is as natural as those exciting plot twists that keep a good book moving. Novelty can breathe fresh air into your relationship, especially when things get a little routine.
Today, I want to explore two ways to reignite that spark: horizontal novelty and vertical novelty. Both have their place in a marriage, but together, they can keep your relationship exciting for the long haul.
Horizontal Novelty
When most people think of spicing things up in the bedroom, they’re usually thinking of horizontal novelty—trying new positions, lingerie, toys, or even exploring different locations. And hey, there’s nothing wrong with that! Adding a little variety can make things fun and pleasurable.
You and your spouse might even consider creating a “sex bucket list” to brainstorm new things you’d like to try together. We discuss fun ideas to add horizontal novelty in this upcoming Friday’s podcast episode.
There’s nothing wrong with adding this kind of variety to your sex life, but relying solely on it can lead to burnout.
Vertical Novelty
That’s where vertical novelty comes in. While horizontal novelty is like water skiing—fun but surface-level—vertical novelty is more like scuba diving. It’s about diving deep into the unfamiliar, discovering new layers of the person you think you already know.
It’s about seeing your spouse with fresh eyes, even after years together.
Many couples lose interest in their sex life because they stop putting in the effort to truly see their partner. Vertical novelty requires you to stay curious about your spouse, to challenge your assumptions, and to truly engage deeply with the person right in front of you. It takes more effort, but the reward is much deeper and longer-lasting.
For example, after spending a few days taking over my wife’s role as “Mr. Mom,” I had a whole new appreciation for her strength and compassion. This deeper understanding made our connection—and yes, our intimacy—much more meaningful.
Cultivating vertical novelty takes courage to be open, but it’s worth it. It’s about getting curious instead of reactive, expressing gratitude for your partner, and learning to truly see them—flaws and all.
A thriving marriage blends both horizontal and vertical novelty. The horizontal keeps things fresh and fun, while the vertical adds depth and lasting meaning. Together, they create a love that can last a lifetime.
