Have you ever wondered why your spouse dodges your attempts at affection or how quickly he or she shuts down any of your affection attempts? Or how a simple kiss gets treated like you’re asking for something much bigger? Well, in this episode I’m going to explain exactly why one partner who craves affection has a partner that avoids it.
And by the end, you’ll know this simple mindset shift that can transform your relationship from a frustrating game of chase into one of genuine connection and intimacy.
A quick note:
I want to try something a little different this summer. We are still publishing episodes every Friday, but once in a while I might drop an extra episode in the middle of the week and sometimes they will be a little shorter. (We’ll call them quickie episodes! How fitting, right?!) They’re intended to be short, easy, and fun to listen to and teach a principle that you can apply right away in your own intimate relationship to make it better. And this episode you’re listening to is one of our quickie episodes. I hope you enjoy it!
Check out Intimately Us or the Get Your Marriage On Program to help transform your relationship!
Transcript
This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors or inaccuracies. For the most accurate and complete experience, we recommend listening to the full podcast episode.
Episode 249
[00:00:00] here’s a beautiful irony. When they stopped making every touch about sex, their actual sex life got better, way better because now they’re connecting from a place of genuine desire rather than obligation or expectation.
Hey friends, this summer I want to try something different. So sometimes I’ll release a full episode, on a Friday, but once in a while I might drop an extra episode in the middle of the week that might be a little shorter. We’ll call them quickie episodes, how fitting right? They’re intended to be short, easy, and fun to listen to and teach a principle that you can apply right away in your [00:01:00] own intimate relationship to make it better. In this episode you’re listening to is one of our quickie episodes. I hope you enjoy it.
Have you ever wondered why your spouse dodges your attempts at affection like they’re playing dodgeball, or how quickly he or she shuts down your affection attempts? Like how a simple kiss gets treated like you’re asking for something much bigger? In this episode, I’m going to explain exactly why one partner CRAs affection while the other avoids it, and by the end, you’ll know the simple mindset shift that can transform your relationship from a frustrating game of chase into genuine connection and deeper intimacy. let me paint you a picture that might sound familiar. Picture a couple.
Let’s call them Mark and Sarah, who are stuck in this exhausting dance. Mark craves physical connection. It’s his love language. After all,
he reaches out for Sarah’s touch, hoping for warmth, closeness, and maybe intimacy. But here’s what he doesn’t realize. [00:02:00] Every time he goes to hug her, Sarah’s thinking, oh no. Does he expect this to lead to sex? So what does Sarah do? She avoids his touch altogether. A simple hug feels too much like pressure, like she’s making a promise. She’s not ready to keep. Now Mark feels rejected and becomes even more needy. Sarah feels more pressured and becomes even more avoidant, and they’re stuck in this push and pull dynamic where one keeps pursuing and the other distances where nobody wins.
Does this sound familiar? If you’re nodding your head right now? You’re definitely not alone. Here’s what’s really happening. This couple has turned their intimate life into a series of pass fail tests. Every touch, every kiss, every moment of affection becomes loaded with the pressure of where is this heading?
Where is this leading? Think about it. When you’re afraid of failing at something, what do you do? You avoid it altogether, right? That’s exactly what’s happening here. [00:03:00] Sarah isn’t avoiding affection because she doesn’t love Mark. She’s avoiding it because in her mind, affection equals expectation. And expectation feels like pressure.
She can’t handle. Mark isn’t being pushy because he’s selfish. He’s reaching out because he’s starving for connection, but he’s going about it in a way that actually pushes Sarah further away and he doesn’t realize his role in the problem. So here’s the game changing reframe. I want you to understand.
What if arousal and intimacy weren’t about passing or failing, or using either or thinking. Most couples treat their intimate life like a light switch. It’s either on or off. Success or failure, we’re going to have sex or nothing at all. But what if you treated it like a dimmer switch instead,
what if you could enjoy all the different levels of connection and intimacy without pressure of a predetermined outcome?
Good lovers, understand that arousal isn’t just a means to an end. It’s a beautiful destination in and of [00:04:00] itself. Affection feels good. Arousal feels good for its own sake. The warmth of a hug, the tenderness of a kiss, the comfort of just lying together or wearing a sexy outfit just for the fun of it.
These can be enjoyed for exactly what they are. No strings attached with, without it leading to something. So when you remove the pressure of this must lead to sex, something magical happens in the relationship, you can both relax into affection again. So what happened to Mark and Sarah? They learned to embrace this dimmer switch mindset.
Mark stopped treating every hug like it was a down payment on sex or a showdown to see if his wife was going to accept him or not. Instead, he learned to enjoy affection for its own sake. When he hugged Sarah, he was genuinely just wanting to hug her, not hoping it would lead to something else, per se.
Sarah feeling that pressure lifted could finally receive his affection without her guard up. She didn’t have to worry about leading him on because [00:05:00] Mark wasn’t looking for anything more than what they were already sharing right there in that moment.
And here’s a beautiful irony. When they stopped making every touch about sex, their actual sex life got better, way better because now they’re connecting from a place of genuine desire rather than obligation or expectation. So how do you apply this to your marriage?
Here are three specific steps. Step one, have the conversation. Talk openly about this dynamic in your marriage. The avoiding partner needs to understand that the pursuing partner isn’t just trying to be manipulative, they’re starving for connection. The pursuing partner needs to understand that their approach is creating pressure, not intimacy.
Step two, practice affection with boundaries. Set aside time for physical affection and even a degree of sexual arousal if you’re willing with the explicit agreement that this won’t lead to sex. I know this might sound counterintuitive. But removing that pressure [00:06:00] allows both partners to actually enjoy the connection.
Step three, celebrate the dimmer switch. Start appreciating all levels of intimacy, holding hands, cuddling on the couch, a long hug, a passionate kiss, or even a pat on the bum that doesn’t have to lead to somewhere else. These aren’t consolation prizes. They’re beautiful forms of connection in their own right to be enjoyed for their own sake.
Remember, the goal isn’t less intimacy. It’s removing the fear and pressure that’s stopping your intimacy from building in its tracks in the first place. When you stop treating every moment of affection, like a pass fail test, you create space for genuine connection to flourish. And that’s when real intimacy, emotional and physical can bloom naturally.
If you want more help transforming your relationship dynamics like this, download the Intimately US app where we have tons of practical tools and exercises to help you build a deeper connection, and you’ll find the link in the description below. [00:07:00] And if you and your spouse need more personalized help working through these patterns in your marriage, our coaching program is perfect for that.
It helps couples navigate exactly these kinds of challenges and all the details you’ll find at get Your Marriage on.com. Next time I’ll be sharing how to have difficult conversations in your marriage without destroying intimacy. Make sure you subscribe so you don’t miss it.
And remember, go get your marriage on.
