If you’re the one in your marriage who is always initiating, always hoping, and sometimes feeling like the only person in the bedroom who cares, this is for you. Maybe you’ve suggested a book, a course or a retreat and heard “I’m fine with how things are.” Maybe you’ve stopped asking because the answer hurts.
Differences in sexual desire are one of the most common and most painful things couples bring to me. And they’re more normal than you think. Every marriage deals with them at some point, and mine is no exception. For the broader picture, see our complete guide to sexual desire in marriage.
The short answer: you can’t make your spouse want to work on your sex life, but you have far more influence than you realize. It doesn’t come from pressure, persuasion or waiting. It comes from going first: being honest without punishing, growing up instead of acting out, and making the sex you’re offering something worth wanting.
The Car Ride Home
Years ago, my wife and I came home from a kid-free weekend getaway. It was romantic and deeply connecting, and I felt closer to her than ever. So on the drive home, I worked up the courage to ask if she’d be open to trying something new in the bedroom, something I’d quietly wanted for a while.
It did not go well. You could feel the distance between us grow in an instant. My request upset her, her reaction upset me, and I rushed to apologize for even bringing it up. Through tears, she said she just couldn’t do what I wanted. Things felt off between us for days.
If you’ve had a moment like that, here are three principles that changed how I understand it.
Principle 1: One of You Will Always Want It More, and That Isn’t a Ranking
In every marriage, at any given time, one spouse has a higher desire for sex than the other. I call this the universal truth. It shows up everywhere else in marriage too: spending or saving, tidiness, parenting, deep conversations, even dessert. Sex just feels more personal.
Higher and lower desire don’t mean better and worse. In our Next Level program we’ve mostly stopped using those words. We talk about the more spontaneous and the more responsive spouse, or the party planner and the invitee. Generally husbands initiate more often, but in about 35% of the couples I work with, it’s the wife. Everything here applies either way.
The less interested spouse sets the terms. In any relationship, the person less invested in something controls it. If one spouse wants X, Y or Z, and the other is only willing to do Y, then Y is what happens. That is a lot of relational power, even when nobody means to hold it.
But here is what’s just as true: many responsive spouses hate being in that position. They feel broken, guilty and constantly pressured. They’re not thinking “I love being in control.” They’re thinking “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why can’t he be happy with what we have?” That’s not someone enjoying power. That’s someone hurting in a different way than you are.
So when your spouse isn’t interested in working on your sex life, it is rarely because they don’t love you. More often they feel pressured, inadequate, or tired of sex that hasn’t felt good to them. Pushing harder usually confirms all three. (More on this in our guide to mismatched sex drives.)
Principle 2: Your Hidden Advantage, and the Fourth A
The responsive spouse controls the terms of sex only when a couple is emotionally reactive to each other. The more desiring spouse has a different kind of control, and it’s bigger than they realize: you control how much honesty and intimacy your marriage can hold.
That starts with seeing conflict over sex differently. It isn’t a sign something has gone wrong. It’s an invitation to grow up. Dr. John Gottman found that 69% of a couple’s problems are recurring and never fully solved. Some couples decide desire differences are one of those and simply work around them. I’m more hopeful. I’ve watched couples work through very hard sexual problems, but it always required growth. I believe marriage, and sex in marriage especially, is one of the ways God refines us.
Conflict is inevitable. You married someone different from you. Contention is a choice.
Look at what you do next. Notice what I did in the car: I rushed to apologize. I couldn’t stand the distance, so I tried to collapse it. My pattern is to be the nice guy, give up what I want and be a quiet martyr about it. And that pattern almost guarantees the conflict comes back, because it isn’t honest. It’s like stress-shopping to escape money worries: it feels better for an hour and makes the real problem worse.
Most of us fall into one of three A’s:
- Act out. Get angry or pushy enough that your spouse gives in. You may win compliance today, but you lose loyalty and closeness.
- Accommodate. Fold into your spouse’s reality to keep the peace. It breeds resentment, and you end up betraying yourself.
- Avoid. Put up walls and create distance so you don’t have to feel the difference. You protect yourself at the cost of intimacy.
The better way is the fourth A: be an adult. Drop the victim role and pick up your dignity. Accept that honest differences are part of every healthy marriage, that they’re uncomfortable and sometimes painful, and that you can still handle them with self-respect.
What That Looked Like for One Couple
I worked with a couple where the wife had the higher desire. Her husband coached high school tennis, and every spring she felt like she came last, after his team, his church calling, his work and their kids. He told her that her desire felt needy, like she needed sex to prove she was wanted. She tried all three A’s. Anger pushed him further away. Pretending it was fine made her feel like a doormat. Pulling away to give him a taste of his own medicine made everything worse.
The shift came one night as she lay awake beside him. She realized she was treating him the way her mom had treated her dad. And she realized what she really wanted: not just for him to want her, but for him to want to want her, freely, without being told. Her pressure was getting in the way of exactly that.
The next time he came home late from a tournament, she didn’t punish him. She told him honestly, without asking for pity: she felt lonely, especially in tennis season. She loved being pursued by him and wished it happened more. She knew she hadn’t made it easy, and she was sorry for the way she’d punished him. It would mean a lot if he left her a flirty note while he was away, but she wasn’t going to demand it. She was committed to being her best in their marriage, and she asked for his patience while she learned a better way.
He could feel the difference. She wasn’t trying to change his mind, just revealing hers, and it woke him up. The next weekend he left for another tournament. That night she found a flirty note tied to her toothbrush, and another tucked under her pillow. He’d done it all on his own.
Principle 3: Sometimes Low Desire Is Good Judgment
We tend to assume higher desire is good and lower desire is the problem. Sometimes it’s the other way around. Sometimes the sex being offered isn’t good sex, and a spouse’s lack of interest is a wise response to it.
There was a season when I badly wanted my wife to have orgasms more often. I read everything I could and pushed her to do the same. The harder I tried, the worse sex got for both of us. Nobody likes feeling like a project. If I was honest, it wasn’t really about her pleasure. I needed her orgasm as proof that I was a good enough lover, and she could feel it.
Good sex isn’t measured by frequency or orgasms. It’s measured by the meaning attached to it. Ask yourself honestly: do I need this frequency, this orgasm or this new thing as proof that I’m desirable, loved or a good lover? If the answer is yes, you’re not inviting intimacy. You’re asking for validation and trying to get it through sex.
The bed shouldn’t be a proving ground or a contest over who gets their way. It can be a place to relax, play, laugh, feel close, and enjoy each other completely and without shame. Start with how you both want to feel afterward (close, seen, known, playful) and let that shape the sex you offer.
At one of our retreats, a husband wanted to try everything. If sex was a playground, he’d built an entire theme park, and his wife felt dragged from ride to ride when she mostly wanted the teacups. Every encounter carried the same unspoken question: whose turn is it to be disappointed tonight? Once they saw that dynamic honestly, they focused on what each of them wanted to feel. For him, adventure meant they were growing together. For her, it was feeling seen, chosen and cherished. Over time they took down the theme park and built a new playground they were both excited about.
What to Do This Week
Waiting for your spouse to go first is the most common way couples stay stuck. A man once told me he’d join our coaching program in a heartbeat, but his wife wasn’t on board, so what was the point? It’s a fair question. But going first is the point. It’s risky and vulnerable, with no guarantee your spouse will follow. Choose your hard: the discomfort of being vulnerable now, or the long, slow burn of distance later.
Pick one of these and start today:
- Notice your A. The next time sex comes up and it gets tense, catch whether you act out, accommodate or avoid. Just noticing is the first step.
- Say what’s true without punishing. Tell your spouse how you feel and what you’d love, without demanding it and without blaming. Own your part.
- Check the meaning you bring to bed. Ask yourself what you’re trying to prove. Then talk together about how you both want to feel afterward.
- Widen what counts. Sex doesn’t have to be one thing that either happens or doesn’t. A wider menu of ways to be close gives your spouse more ways to say yes.
What Tends to Backfire
- Pressure, persuasion and keeping score. Every push confirms your spouse’s fear that sex is about your needs, not theirs.
- Punishing with distance. Withdrawing to teach your spouse a lesson turns the marriage into a race to the bottom.
- Pretending you’re fine. Your spouse can tell, and swallowed resentment always leaks out somewhere.
- Making your spouse a project. Books, techniques and courses help when you choose them together. Handed over as homework, they feel like a verdict.
- Waiting for them to change first. It feels safer, but it keeps you both exactly where you are.
When You Want More Help
You don’t need your spouse’s buy-in to start growing. That’s the whole point of going first. I have a Master’s Degree in Counseling and am a professional marriage coach, and much of my work is with people whose spouse isn’t on board yet.
- Next Level coaching program: weekly guidance from me and my course, and it works even if you’re the only one starting.
- Virtual Lovemaking Retreat: for couples who are both ready to work on it together, at home.
- Couples Retreat: four days in person in St. George, Utah, in April 2027.
If you’d like to keep reading, start with responsive vs. spontaneous desire, our guide to mismatched sex drives, and episode 327, the menu mindset.
Common Questions
Start with yourself. Notice how you react when sex comes up, tell your spouse honestly how you feel without demanding or punishing, and look at whether the sex you’re offering is something they’d want. You can’t make them change, but going first often changes the whole dynamic.
Yes. In every marriage, at any given time, one spouse wants sex more than the other. It isn’t a ranking, and it can be the husband or the wife. In about 35% of the couples Dan works with, it’s the wife.
In any relationship, the person less invested in something sets the terms. That’s why pressure rarely works. But the higher-desire spouse controls something just as important: how much honesty and intimacy the marriage can hold.
Sometimes. If sex comes with pressure, scorekeeping or a need for validation, a spouse who isn’t eager for it may be showing good judgment. Changing what sex means for both of you often brings desire back.
You can. Personal growth is the solution to most sexual difficulties, and you don’t need your spouse’s permission to start. Many people begin alone, and their spouse notices the change.
