I often see questions—online and in real life—from people wondering how to “fix” their spouse. Whether it’s about intimacy or other areas of the relationship, these concerns can create painful cycles of disconnection and frustration.
When I hear this, it breaks my heart. One quote always comes to mind:
“Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.”
Marriage, like life, goes through seasons. Your sex life will have highs and lows too. But I believe whatever season you’re in, love must remain at the center. And we should continue showing that love. Sex is one of the many ways we can express as well as feel love in a marriage. It is a way to connect, but it isn’t the only way.
It can be tempting to fall into unhealthy patterns of denying showing love in other ways if you feel you aren’t getting it in your favorite way. This goes both ways, both for spouses who like to feel emotionally intimate before getting physically intimate, and vice versa. But true intimacy is built through consistent love, in all its forms. This can be as simple as telling your spouse you are thinking of them when you are apart, completing something you know is on their to-do list, non-sexual physical affection, and even just listening to them share about their day.
Working through sexual or relational challenges is important. But don’t let those issues make you forget your spouse is your teammate, not your opponent. You’re on the same side. Face the challenge together, instead of facing each other.
As you navigate struggles, keep showing love in the ways you already know how—while learning new ways to grow together. A little compassion and connection in many forms goes a long way.
