If you’ve ever felt not good enough, feared rejection, or found yourself reacting in ways you don’t even understand, this episode is for you. Marriage & family therapist Trevor (Art of Healing by Trevor) explains why so many couples get stuck in cycles of pursuit, shutdown, anxiety, and disconnection — and the emotional transformation required to break free. This conversation is raw, restorative, and deeply practical.
In this episode you’ll learn:
- Why fear of abandonment and “I’m not enough” beliefs show up in marriage
- The two classic patterns: people-pleasing pursuer + shut-down withdrawer
- How emotional safety outside the bedroom changes intimacy inside it
- How to work with your inner child to create real healing
- A step-by-step framework for emotional transformation
- How secure partners show up differently in sex, connection, and conflict
- Why awareness alone isn’t enough — and what actually creates change
Guest Links
Instagram: @theartofhealingbytrevor
Website: theartofhealingbytrevor.com
Resources and Events
- Apply for the Get Your Marriage On! Program: getyourmarriageon.com/program
- Men’s and Women’s Only Cohorts starting in January!
- NEW Get Your Marriage On! Cruise: October 2026
- Valentine’s Day Weekend Virtual Retreat
- In-Person Retreat April 2026 (We’re sold out, but you can apply to get on the waitlist!)
Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.
Transcript
This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors or inaccuracies. For the most accurate and complete experience, we recommend listening to the full podcast episode.
Trevor Hanson: [00:00:00] Let me remind you of what you really are. You’re good, you’re safe. You know God loves you. I love you, like all the things. I’d fill up that cup and then all of a sudden the behavior more naturally changes. I feel more relaxed. I feel more at peace. The part of me that’s triggered knows that I, Trevor, the adult self.
I’m in charge and I’m, I’m, I’m a good guy to have in charge. I can take care of everything.
Dan Purcell: If you’ve ever dealt with questions of self-worth, or if you feel like, am I ever really gonna be good enough? Well, this episode is for you. I think it’s universal that there are times in our lives we feel extra discouraged. We feel we abandoned maybe, maybe we have both personal or relational problems.
Uh, or even professionally. This episode is for you today. My guest is Trevor Hanson. And this guy has such an amazing story. I wanted to bring him on my podcast so you can hear it today. He worked at Tesla and corporate.
Then he had this life-changing [00:01:00] experience and became a therapist. It sounds a little bit similar to my own journey, and, he helps, individuals and couples find a more secure self and move to more self-confidence.
Trevor, welcome to the Get Your Marriage On Podcast. How are you today?
Trevor Hanson: I am so good. I’m, I’m ready to get my marriage on. That’s what I’m ready for.
Dan Purcell: That’s right. Oh yeah, it’s fun. ’cause, being on this side of the microphone, I get a hobnob with these people that I look up to and you’re definitely one of ’em. So it’s a, I’m Fanboying a little bit to have you on the podcast today.
Trevor Hanson: That, that feels, that feels weird because you’re an amazing dude and that, but I appreciate it. I mean, I, I needed a little ego boost this morning and I appreciate that.
Dan Purcell: Anytime I wanna hear your incredible story. It
Trevor Hanson: Oh,
Dan Purcell: a, a job at Tesla, which I, I, I don’t know, I I think that’s really cool, but something happened. Tell me
Trevor Hanson: Yeah. Yeah. So people, when, when they, uh, hear that I worked at Tesla, they’re very [00:02:00] surprised ’cause I’m like a marriage and family therapist and all this, and it’s like the, it’s like, wait, what you, you did that? And so Well I think, you know, before I even get to Tesla, it’s because this has to do with like the whole thing.
Is that why I do what I do? I didn’t know really consciously, I wasn’t really that aware of it throughout my life. I really struggled with like, things like confidence, feeling like I was good enough, feeling like everybody was gonna like reject me or, you know, abandonment’s kind of a harsh word, but like, kind of abandon me, like not really be there for me.
And I felt like I had to like, earn love from friends and everybody else. And, I was living in, uh, Hawaii, in Lety, Hawaii, which I. I live in Hawaii now again. but I, I was going to school and I had this opportunity come my way to go and work for Tesla, right outta school. And it was a pretty rare thing for somebody in my school.
It was a little bit smaller, to go to like a big corporate kind of gig like that. Especially at the time [00:03:00] Tesla was like the name, right? It’s like the Apple, the Google, the Tesla. It’s like you pick one of those three and it’s, it’s like, feels like you made it. For me, I was like, oh heck yeah. Like this is a great opportunity.
But also, I think it was like a little bit of, speaking of ego boost, it was like a little bit of a way of like showing everyone, like, see, look, I’m worthy. Like I, I got this job. I’m good enough. And so I took the job and I went from living on the beach in Hawaii with like 10 dudes, tons of cute girls things to do all the time to living in Reno, Nevada.
Yeah. Surfing right.
Dan Purcell: uh.
Trevor Hanson: to living in Reno, Nevada. By myself, in an apartment just solo and working all the time. The green grass was gone and it was like brown rocks and it was just so isolating. And I think my fears of, you know, never finding somebody, being alone, not being good enough, man, they were like, turned up to, you know, 5,000.
And so I, uh, it was, it was [00:04:00] hard, but it was a trial that I’m really grateful for. Uh, ’cause I learned so much from it. Um, but yeah, I, I worked for Tesla for like two years before I actually even did this. and then a lot of things happened and I, I lost my, my job at Tesla. I, I was laid off in like a big wide corporate layoff across, uh, you know, globally.
And I got laid off and at the same time I broke my jaw. Uh, that same season I was in a really, unhealthy relationship. I wanna say toxic, but I feel like it’s overused. But, uh, it was a very tumultuous relationship. I was supposed to get married, I was like engaged and the nature of the relationship really isolated me from friends and other people.
Dan Purcell: Hmm.
Trevor Hanson: And so I didn’t have friends. I didn’t have a functioning jaw. I didn’t have a job, and the marriage that I thought was going to happen had just like exploded and I, um, didn’t really know what to do. And so I started doing my own, like healing work around the confidence. I [00:05:00] started trying to pick up the pieces of how I felt after this, you know, relationship that had a lot of trauma in it.
And I decided to go to therapy and that’s kind of like. The first time I was ever introduced to this world is I signed up for therapy.
Dan Purcell: Gotcha. So you meet with this therapist
Trevor Hanson: Yeah,
Dan Purcell: and it’s like, holy cow. know, fast forward a few weeks, I’m a different person, or at least I have some more direction what
Trevor Hanson: yeah,
Dan Purcell: And it just completely changed your outlook
Trevor Hanson: yeah.
Dan Purcell: things. And did you think you found your calling at that moment’s like, yes, this is it.
This
Trevor Hanson: You know?
Dan Purcell: impactful.
Trevor Hanson: I, it, it took a minute, but I would say I started doing the work in therapy and it was helpful. there was a few things that I feel like I needed. To actually happen a little bit different. And there were some things I was noticing in the therapy process that just from like a functional standpoint, I was like, oh, I think this could be better.
Um, which is, so it was kind of combination. Yes, it was [00:06:00] working. And number two, I saw an opportunity in therapy for maybe some improvement. And then, and number three, it’s just like it totally aligned with who I was. I was like, I love this. Like I could totally do this. And so. I kind of took a leap of faith, right?
Like most therapists don’t financially make what a corporate career Tesla guy makes, right? And I was like pretty nervous about it, but I was like, you know what? I’m just gonna like trust God and I’m gonna go back to school. I’m gonna get a Master’s of Marriage and Family Therapy and I’m gonna see if I can do it different.
And in doing it different, maybe I can also, you know. Provide some better results for people. And in doing that, you know, maybe one day I can make as much as I did in my corporate career. That’s not so much the focus, it’s just about like. Helping people in the way that I was helped and because that change, man, it was a huge change.
We could talk more specifically about it, but to go from feeling broken and insecure and you know, always wondering what other people are [00:07:00] thinking about you never feeling good enough to being in a place where I feel like deeply. Connected with myself. I fill up my own cup. You know, the reassurance of everybody else doesn’t, doesn’t do it for me.
It feels good, right? You tell me you’re fanboy and I’m like, cool. That’s a little bonus. You just overflowed the cup for me ’cause it was already full. And to go from those two places, that was inspiring to me to say, I wanna help. I wanna help people do this. I live in a different world now and I wanna help people get here.
Dan Purcell: Gotcha. So let’s dive a little bit deeper.
Trevor Hanson: Yeah.
Dan Purcell: are common patterns with couples where, of this struggle that they have,
Trevor Hanson: Yeah,
Dan Purcell: meant what are some of the symptoms of it, I guess,
Trevor Hanson: totally.
Dan Purcell: I,
Trevor Hanson: Totally. So the, we’ll, we’ll kind of build out a character for a minute ’cause this helps us keep track of where everything is. So the character we’re working with is dealing the, the person that I help, um, is the person who has a few signature feelings. One, they’ve got the fear of abandonment, they’re kind of feeling like everyone’s [00:08:00] gonna reject them and leave them.
And it couples with a fear of. Not being good enough, or they believe that they’re just not good enough.
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
Trevor Hanson: those two things kind of f uh, heighten each other. Meaning the more you don’t feel like you’re good enough, the more reasonably it would make sense that other people were g uh, abandon you. And the more.
They, you feel like people are gonna abandon you, the more you try to protect yourself from that happening. And in a couple relationship, what will happen is that this person will be more sensitive to, things that happen in the relationship, like with their partner. Let’s say their partner comes home, they’re kind of had a long day, they’re a little bit more quiet, you know, they’re a little bit more short with the kids, and all of a sudden the person who has the fear of abandonment and all this is believing that they’re to blame.
Oh my gosh, he’s mad at me, he’s upset with me. He doesn’t let me.
Dan Purcell: me
Trevor Hanson: Yeah, he’s gonna leave, right? And, and the story might not go that big, but you’re at least afraid of some form of abandonment. Like just emotional [00:09:00] abandonment. Like,
Dan Purcell: right.
Trevor Hanson: not gonna come close to me, right? And so it can go one of two ways that become problematic is that you people please.
You bury all the fear, all your own needs for connection, and you just focus on trying to make that person happy. ’cause if you can make ’em happy, it’s like you can make ’em come back online, right? Oh, I got my husband back, he and now I feel safe. I feel connected and I’m good. So you people, please. Meanwhile,
Dan Purcell: right.
Trevor Hanson: you might be building resentment ’cause you’re bearing your own needs and there’s, there’s all sorts of challenges there.
Or you go the other direction, you get a bit more critical. From a logical standpoint, it kinda makes sense. Just point out the thing that’s wrong. You didn’t greet me when you came in the door. You didn’t gimme a hug. Like, do I even exist? I’ve been here with the kids all day doing all this and you didn’t even look at me.
Right? Boom, boom, boom. Machine guns out, just shooting into his back. And he’s like going, oh my gosh. And the effect of that is that he abandons, he gets withdrawn. Pushes back or defends. You know, he comes out with his machine gun or his shield, shields like [00:10:00] runaway machine guns fight back and all of a sudden you’re feeling more abandoned and more hurt than before.
And it really is because the protective mechanism that you use to avoid his abandonment or you’re the perception of abandonment, was something that created what looks like abandonment in him. And so it’s this, that kind of crazy cycle that just like continues on, but at the heart of it. If we can heal the fears around abandonment, the fears around not being good enough, build the self-worth, that situation plays out way different, right?
It plays out with curiosity. Hey, what’s going on? You seem a little more quiet tonight. Like you good? I got a story in my head, and maybe you’d even admit it. You’re like, the story in my head right now is that you’re mad at me, but I don’t know if that’s totally true. Can I check in with you? Oh, that’s much more open, much more connecting.
So that’s kind of an illustration of, of the, the core problem of fear of abandonment and not feeling good enough and how it plays out in a relationship.
Dan Purcell: Gotcha. [00:11:00] So it’s really about maturity in a way. It’s
Trevor Hanson: Hmm.
Dan Purcell: oh, some more self-awareness too. It’s about like in real time. ’cause I think most people who are in the thick of it, they don’t realize that’s actually what’s going on inside them.
Trevor Hanson: Oh, no, no, no. Yeah,
Dan Purcell: just reacting. You’re
Trevor Hanson: yeah.
Dan Purcell: you’re just running the program.
So it’s about, so I guess, how do people kind of become more aware of this so that they can start, finding better solutions, better choices around these situations?
Trevor Hanson: Yeah, so I will say that awareness is definitely like the first step. and a lot of people who probably tune into your podcast, they’re probably pretty aware because they’re doing their work. If they’re here, they’re working on themselves. They’ve, you know, they’ve realized, man, maybe I do have that fear.
Maybe I have these insecurities. We could call them, right? The fear of abandonment, feeling not good enough. They realize it and they could even see it happen, and that’s good. But then there’s like this [00:12:00] gap where they’re like, my logical mind tells me. I know how to, you know, I know how to show up more in a healthy way.
I know how to do it, but then there’s this emotional part that just takes over and I can’t control it. It’s like, you know, it’s the inner child in the backseat. You know, you’re sitting back there in a, in a car seat, sipping a juice box, and then all of a sudden it crushes the juice box, unclips jumps in the front seat, and that emotional part is like taken control.
You got the steering wheel and you wake up in a ditch after the fight with your partner. Or after, you know, whatever, and you’re, you’re going, how did we get here? And so the thing that I think a lot of people are missing is not so much the awareness ’cause that can happen really quick. I’m aware of my problem.
It’s the emotional transformation that makes it so that you no longer have that nervous system response of fear, fight flight. And that’s the key that I feel like most people are really missing in their process is that they need the emotional transformation.
Dan Purcell: Hmm. Got it. [00:13:00] Is there a specific example you can give us of maybe a couple you’ve worked with? You can of course keep the details private, but. Let’s apply it to, uh, the bedroom.
Trevor Hanson: for sure.
Dan Purcell: where there’s a, conflict around sexual intimacy
Trevor Hanson: Yeah.
Dan Purcell: this has played out, and I’m really interested in hearing about that, emotional healing
Trevor Hanson: Yes.
Dan Purcell: goes on so they’re not in fight and flight or freeze all the time,
Trevor Hanson: Yeah, yeah. So we know definitely that things that happen outside of the bedroom impact what happens inside of the bedroom in a great, in a great way, right? So I’m gonna kind of take that approach real quick. We’ll, we’ll go to the example of a couple where one side of the couple. when they feel unsafe in the relationship, they might kind of close off a little bit more vulnerability.
Feels scary. I don’t wanna be vulnerable with you because I don’t wanna get hurt. Right.
Dan Purcell: mm-hmm.
Trevor Hanson: other partner is maybe more on the side where they’re anxious and they try to like fix it right then and there. They’re the one who wants physical intimacy to try to feel better, [00:14:00] to like try to connect and repair.
So they’re on opposite sides of the spectrum. And this is probably gonna happen all of the time. Uh, pretty classic dynamic I’ve seen in my work. And the scenario might be, you know, the one who. Is the one to like pursue sexual intimacy, to fix things. They’re probably also gonna be the one that we were describing earlier, a little bit more afraid of abandonment, right?
Don’t run from me, I’ll chase you. Um, not feeling good enough. And, you know, earlier in the day or in the week, there’s something that happens. Some we don’t know the context, but there’s an argument, right? Something happens where the partner. We’ll, we’ll give them names so that we can keep track of everybody.
Let’s say it’s, I dunno, Kyle and Deb. Deb, she’s the more pursuant one. And Kyle, he’s gonna shut down. And Kyle says something that makes Deb triggers her fear of abandonment and her not good enough as she responds. Wish some harshness with some criticism and [00:15:00] you know, she’s coming down on him. And because of that, he kind of goes into that withdrawn place.
And time might go by, maybe they brush it under the rug. Nothing really happens. But then when it comes time to like being intimate, he’s like lost desire. He’s just not there. And his desire’s gone because safety is gone and he just doesn’t feel like he can be open to connect with her. And so there’s walls up, and those walls are up, and then she feels rejected.
Well, what do you mean? Like, and it, the connection for her might not even be there, right? She might not realize that the argument that happened early in the day is responsible for the withdrawn state that Kyle’s in now. And she’s just really confused, really frustrated. And the more she’s frustrated, the more unsafe he feels, because again, she’s coming out with maybe the criticism or the frustration, lack of understanding.
And so the key for this type of couple is to recognize the pattern and recognize. How safety, or the [00:16:00] lack of safety influences the level of sexual vulnerability and being willing to slow down and be curious about, oh, maybe why is that desire not there? And maybe a repair needs to be made before the other partner’s ready to engage sexually.
It might not be that repair. You know, happens through sex. It’s that it happens before sex to make sense. More of like a, manifestation of our safety and, and a and a sign that says, we are okay, we are safe. And it’s almost like a celebration for others, right? It’s just we, we feel differently about sex and we gotta remember that people operate in a different way.
Dan Purcell: Gotcha. So, well, I hear you saying is, when we approach sex as a way to make me feel better about our relationship, make up sex.
Trevor Hanson: Yep. Yep. Yep.
Dan Purcell: it’s reinforcing patterns that are about, um, I don’t feel safe, but please have sex [00:17:00] with me so I feel better about me.
Trevor Hanson: Yeah.
Dan Purcell: That’s what I think I hear you saying.
Trevor Hanson: Yeah, that could be part of it for sure. It’s a very complicated thing, right? We’re talking about so many layers, right? you know, Deb, she’s pursuing with all this anxious energy and wanting to feel like she’s good enough. Again, Kyle’s like walled off going like, I can’t get close to you right now because I feel hurt.
And like there’s so many layers to it, and I think that’s why it’s important for couples to get very curious about this in times of safety. When you’re not in the middle of all of the heat, right? You can look back on a situation like this and dissect it and Kyle can go, Hey, you know, those times when we have arguments, like it affects me like for days until we do something about it.
Like even if we’re not fighting anymore, I still just don’t feel open to, and that’s maybe why I avoid you, or I tell you I’m too tired or you know, all of that. Like I’m not actually too tired. I think I just. You know, I’m feeling shut down. And Deb in [00:18:00] that place when she’s not triggered, can go, oh my gosh, I understand this.
So what do you need? And he’s like, well, I just need repair. Like I need to talk about it before I can engage again. Oh my gosh. The clarity on that. Right. So much clarity, but it’s pretty hard to get that clarity if you’re in the middle of the actual cycle.
Dan Purcell: Yeah. Good. Great. So, kind of like in times of peace, that’s when the military runs all their drills. They know they can
Trevor Hanson: Yeah, yeah,
Dan Purcell: when they’re in the battle, you don’t be overcome with a fog of war. I
Trevor Hanson: yeah.
Dan Purcell: what you’re talking about here.
Trevor Hanson: Totally.
Dan Purcell: yeah. A great time to work on your relationship is when things are going well,
Trevor Hanson: Yeah.
Dan Purcell: can, figure out what your patterns are when things don’t go well.
Trevor Hanson: Yeah.
Dan Purcell: Got it.
let me give you a few quick announcements that I want you to be aware of.
First is we are organizing our first ever Get Your Marriage on Cruise. We’re sailing out of Galveston, Texas, October, 2026. And now’s the time to apply. those that apply. We’ll then we review the applications and then you’re invited to join [00:19:00] us. We’re keeping the group small and intimate, and it’s gonna be a fantastic time.
It’s a seven day trip. You get a vacation with us and also do a deep dive on all things intimacy and, we’re bringing on a Boor photographer also to really enhance the experience. Plus, we have a lot of other surprises and great things planned, so you don’t wanna miss it. All those details you’ll find on our website, get your marriage on.com/.
Events. And speaking of events, we have our men’s and women’s small group coaching starting in the end of January. This is ideal for men that are really, really wanna improve their side of the relationship, or women that wanna improve their side of the relationship. We go in depth over 14 weeks into intimacy in your marriage and help you see what you have control over and what your aspects are so that you can have more joy, more freedom, more laughter, more.
Ease in your relationships. That’s what you get in our small group programs and those details you’ll find on our site also. And lastly [00:20:00] around Valentine’s Day, it’s coming up. We’re going to be having a really fun virtual getaway.
Now, I’ve taught this content before, but we’ve completely revamped it for 2026. This is a virtual getaway where you’ll send your kids to grandma’s house or get a hotel, and you’ll join me live in three sessions, and we’ll do a deep dive on a sexual practice design to transform, having sex to making love, and it’s, transformational.
Whether you are a newlywed or been married over 50 years, I promise you’ll learn something new that’ll transform the way you engage with your spouse intimately. It’s a fantastic thing to be a part of, and you’ll find those details also on our website. It.
Dan Purcell: All right. So Trevor, let’s say you’re Deb and you mentioned something about this like deep emotional transformation that needs to happen.
Trevor Hanson: Yeah.
Dan Purcell: she’s really looking outside of her to feel better about herself in the way she’s pursuing her husband. Can we go a little bit deeper now?
Trevor Hanson: Yeah.
Dan Purcell: some more layers. If Deb was sitting in your office and
Trevor Hanson: Yep.
Dan Purcell: with her, how would you help [00:21:00] her, go through that emotional transformation?
Trevor Hanson: Yeah. Yeah. So this is really important. So, uh, most people that, that would, would be in that situation. Deb, uh, the people that we work with are those who have been in therapy for like a long time. They’ve been in years, and those are, those are our kind of favorite people to work with because oftentimes they’ve gotten a lot.
Awareness from therapy. Like they talked about their childhood 500 times. They’ve gotten a lot of, awareness from books and podcasts and they know all the information, but they haven’t had a transformation. And there’s a few missing pieces is, and one of them is this emotional experience aspect. And so when we think about it this way, so Deb, in her history, if we’re going back to her, you know.
Feeling not good enough trying to find peace outside of herself. Most likely it’s because she had emotional experiences through her youth where she felt like love had to be earned. Maybe mom was really critical or maybe, uh, dad was emotionally [00:22:00] distant and difficult to, to contact. And so she always felt like she had to fight for attention.
Um, or maybe she grew up in a religious home that was, that they taught. A lot of obedience, but not a lot of grace. And it was like shame kind of focus, right? And so whatever it is, those were emotional experiences. Nobody sat down and told her, well Deb, you gotta be afraid that everyone’s gonna believe you.
You gotta believe that you gotta be perfect to be loved. And um, I’m gonna make you aware of the fact that you’re not good enough. And she’s like, okay, check. Got it. Right.
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
Trevor Hanson: That didn’t happen. It was, she felt things. And so the, the work is to now create experiences where you feel the opposite. You feel a deep sense of self-compassion, feel a deep sense of love for yourself, a deep sense of trust and confidence, maybe in your higher power to know they got your back, even if your husband doesn’t got your back right now, like you are good.
Uh, filling your own emotional needs and feeling [00:23:00] like the satisfaction that comes from that. And so there’s. And you’re probably thinking, well, how, like what’s the actual application? And one of them could be, for example, we’ll do this guided visualization where we’ll, we’ll take you to a moment in history where you needed somebody to be there for you.
Right? And if, especially if you’re a mom. Uh, mom and and dad, they both have got the superpower. They know how to nurture and love a child in distress, right? And so you take that superpower and you go find that, that inner child version of you, you visualize it, you sit across from me, you say, what do you need right now?
I’m here for you. I wanna help you. You know, you are having an active conversation with the emotional part of you that takes over. The logical part of you knows that you probably shouldn’t get really critical of your partner and like come down hard on ’em. But the emotional part’s like, I don’t care. I’m gonna do it anyway.
And so you speak directly to that part with compassion and love, and you [00:24:00] have these experiences where you really feel, like you’re taking care of yourself, you’re taking care of the wounded part of yourself in a way that’s so meaningful. And if you do that on repeat, that’s just one example. But there’s many.
If you do those on repeat, you get enough repetition. You start to just notice that you’re not quite as triggered, that those negative beliefs, they start to subside, they get quieter. So that’s a a bit of an example of what we mean when we say give yourself emotional experiences.
Dan Purcell: That’s really good and what you’re talking about reminds me of another guest we’ve had on our podcast a few weeks ago, Lori Craig. Uh, such a powerful story about, transformation for herself. And it really was, it was exactly that. It wasn’t until she kind of gave herself. Kind of the, the space in the in mind or whatever you wanna call it, to
Trevor Hanson: Yeah.
Dan Purcell: consider, her older self coming to comfort her younger self at the
Trevor Hanson: Yeah.
Dan Purcell: of her wounding of, of what she went through.
And I. [00:25:00] It’s kind of, it’s not abandoning your old script, but it’s like looking at it in a fresh light so
Trevor Hanson: Yeah.
Dan Purcell: realize, oh, there’s more goodness here. I can learn
Trevor Hanson: Yeah,
Dan Purcell: can,
Trevor Hanson: yeah,
Dan Purcell: I can. I’m fine. I’m
Trevor Hanson: yeah. Totally,
Dan Purcell: through
Trevor Hanson: totally. And, you know, um, if, if you’re good with it, I’ll give you a little bit of a story and a framework. If someone’s sitting here like, oh, I want a takeaway, like, how could I do this? Um, I’ll give you a story and a framework. You, you good with that? Okay, so I was in Chick-fil-A one day, uh, you know, eating the Lord’s chicken, obviously not on a Sunday.
And, uh, there was this, there was this 4-year-old little girl, I’m assuming she’s four. She was running back and forth. She was doing that thing where she goes to the playground and she’s running back to dad popping in a chicken nugget and then going back, you know, it’s like best, the best feeling for a 4-year-old.
It looks amazing. So she’s having a good time. But then it came to that moment and every four year old’s day at Chick-fil-A that they hate where you gotta go home. Right.
Dan Purcell: Uh.
Trevor Hanson: Dad turns to her, he [00:26:00] says, sweetie, we gotta go home. And then all of a sudden, because she’s four, of course she’s gonna do this, she starts to melt down a little bit, right?
And she says all this stuff, that’s not true. Yeah. I hear it out of her mouth and she says, but dad, we’re never gonna come back. I was like, okay, that’s definitely not true. But like, she’s thinking it and Dad, you’re being so mean. And like, you know, those are the two things that came outta her mouth for the most part.
And he, what he did, he provided an example. Of what it looks like to nurture. Our inner child, the part of us that’s full of irrational, fearful beliefs, right? Like, I’m not good enough. Everyone’s gonna leave me. Sounds kind of similar to her beliefs in that moment. We’re never coming back. You’re so mean.
And what he did is he first recognized what was going on for her and just repeated it back to her. And he like leaned over. He didn’t grab her, rip her out of the store. You know, like some parents might. He leans over and goes, oh sweetie, you feel like dad’s being super mean right now? And he said, yeah, [00:27:00] and you don’t think we’re ever gonna come back?
And she’s like, yeah. And he goes, oh, that’s so scary. Right? You love it here. You love Chick-fil-A, the chicken’s good. The you. I know you love the red chairs. And she’s like, yeah, I love the red chairs. And you know, they’re talking about it all. And, and he says, sweetie, I get why that would feel so scary. And I get why you think I’m being mean?
’cause you love it here. That totally makes sense. And all of a sudden you can see her. She’s starting to come online. She’s like, okay. Dad’s not just trying to force me outta, here he is working with me. She’s not thinking that, but you can see it happening, right?
Dan Purcell: Uh,
Trevor Hanson: her. He then validates what she’s feeling, and then because of that, he has room to give her truth that counteracts the falsehoods that she believes he didn’t have the room before.
He, uh, he needed to gain the trust.
Dan Purcell: it.
Trevor Hanson: No, she could not receive it, but she was in a receptive place and he goes, well sweetie, you know, we always come back ’cause your your cousin, anytime they have a soccer game, we come here every time. Do you remember that? He’s like, oh yeah. And she’s like, [00:28:00] guess what? We got a soccer game this next week, so we’re gonna come back.
She’s like, oh, okay. And you know, dad’s not really trying to be mean. Mom’s waiting for you at home. She’s excited to see us. She’s with your little brother and you got your princess bed at home, which is way cuter than these chairs, right? And she’s like. Oh yeah, I do wanna sleep there. It’s not very comfortable here.
Right? I can’t stay the night. And she starts to realize the dad holds truth that she hasn’t realized is there and. Because of that. Then when he extends the invitation to behave differently, she complies easily. Uh, she walks out the door happy as a clam chatting her head off. I dunno what she was saying, but she was so happy just talking to dad.
And she leaves and I look at that and I say. What if I treated the fearful part of myself, the response with fears around not being good enough, being rejected, right? When my partner maybe does something that makes me feel hurt, like they’re leaving, like they don’t think I’m good enough. What if I turn to that little version [00:29:00] of me and I was like, oh, Trevor, you’re feeling like you know they don’t respect you and that she doesn’t care about you right now.
And I kind of feel the response. Yeah. Oh my goodness, man. I get why you feel that way, right? the way she came home and the things she said, like, whatever happened or whatever happened in the bedroom. Like, you expected this, you know, you told her that you love it when she does that, but then she didn’t do it.
Or like, whatever happens, right? Something triggering and you go, I get why you feel that way, but can I remind you of something? You’re totally worth it. You’re totally worthy, like you’re good enough and it makes sense given your past, right? Maybe you had somebody, you know, a critical mom or a, or a less compassionate father, like I get it.
Let me remind you of what you really are. You’re good, you’re safe. You know God loves you. I love you, like all the things. I’d fill up that cup and then all of a sudden the behavior more naturally changes. I feel more relaxed. I feel more at peace. The part of me that’s triggered [00:30:00] knows that I, Trevor, the adult self.
I’m in charge and I’m, I’m, I’m a good guy to have in charge. I can take care of everything. And so that’s the bit of the framework is like, recognize and validate, move into then offering the new perspective or the truth, and from the truth, then you encourage a new behavior. Hey. You know, instead of, shutting down and pushing your partner away, when you know something during a sexual interaction doesn’t meet your expectation or you don’t feel cared for, why don’t we just talk to them about it or ask them, or ask for that need to be met?
Or instead of maybe pushing away or getting critical, the behavior naturally changes. So I, I loved that story. It was just a such a cool thing to watch.
Dan Purcell: That is so good. I’m trying to think moments in my own life where a similar framework has helped me. this happened a few years ago. I, was a moment in time when when it rains it pours. And this
Trevor Hanson: Hmm.
Dan Purcell: the most, it [00:31:00] incredibly stressful period of time for me. And I just remember kind of on my knees praying for help from heaven, from, from God, from Heavenly Father.
Just guide me, help me understand. he sent a lot of angels to me in that, that time. but what I find interesting is, at least in my experience at the moment, he didn’t like take the problems away from me. But he gave me like strength to shoulder them better. And this is how it worked for me, similar to what you did. It’s like, why is this happening to me? God,
Trevor Hanson: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Dan Purcell: right? then it was almost like, you know, that whisper is that validation? Yeah. This is hard, isn’t it? This is difficult. You know, it was validating, first, acknowledging that, and then came the truth. And it is a thought that, no matter what I experience in life, God’s not oblivious to my experience. just the thought too that helped me was to think that even God himself would send his [00:32:00] son to suffer even more than any other person on Earth could suffer as, as an example. That even if Jesus can do that, then surely, he can help me. It, it somehow just connecting those thoughts together, that truth can just like, put a cap on.
It just, it didn’t change my circumstances, but it sure like relieved whatever it was. It was, um. It was emotionally healing so that I could shoulder whatever it is that I had to do at the moment. And looking back, it’s one of, it’s a very sacred time for me ’cause of, of the growth, ’cause of the, how I grew closer to God through the experience.
I, I think this is kind of the pattern that you’re trying to teach
Trevor Hanson: Yeah.
Dan Purcell: our listeners.
Trevor Hanson: Yeah.
Dan Purcell: I’m gonna say it this way. It sounds like a right-brained approach. It’s not left brain. You’re not gonna get this like reading a book or memorizing a list or being overtly analytical.
Trevor Hanson: you are not.
Dan Purcell: you have [00:33:00] to experience.
It’s
Trevor Hanson: Yeah.
Dan Purcell: strokes. We’re talking about emotions and emotional experiences. We’re very right brain experiences, but you, you gotta get yourself in that state. You gotta be,
Trevor Hanson: Yeah.
Dan Purcell: listen for it. Create that for it.
Trevor Hanson: Yeah. And you know, there’s obviously a way to do that with like added guidance, you know, like working with somebody like me or somebody like you, right? Where they’re like guide you through that, right? There’s like
Dan Purcell: absolutely.
Trevor Hanson: visualizations, like we’re, we’re doing step by step, right? There’s also. I would say the self-starter version is just see if you can recognize what might you consider as like an inner child.
Right. The inner child is so nice because it’s accessible. It’s like little kids are so easy though.
Dan Purcell: has an inner child.
Trevor Hanson: Yeah. And they’re so easy to love too. It’s like, you know, they’re, they’re more, they’re more innocent, lovable, uh, they’re equally as lovable as you are now, but we might feel like they’re easier to love, uh, a little version of you.
[00:34:00] And so for me, like in my own struggles and healing, I remember I had all these pictures of my younger self on my mirror. And, this is the same mirror where previously I have to admit, like I’ve looked at myself and said, hurtful. Like really even like hateful things And I remember I would look at those pictures and I would talk to like that version of me and I would almost switch back and forth where I’d like, kind of like look at myself and look at the pictures and just say things like, Trevor, like today I’m gonna treat you so good. Like today, I’m not gonna leave you behind today.
Even if you make mistakes, like I’m the one who’s gonna be here for you. Okay, dude, like, I got you. When somebody doesn’t give you, you know, the validation that you feel like you desperately need, know that I’m, I’m here the whole time. That we’re still lovable, that it’s still okay. And those conversations would carry on right throughout my day.
I’d even talk outside out loud to myself in, in the car. And I would also, the speaking part is important, but the listening part is almost more important,[00:35:00]
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
Trevor Hanson: might ask out loud yourself, like, you know, Hey, little me, what is it right now that you need? And you pause and you will, you will hear things come to your mind as if they’re really in there.
It’s wild. you know, it might just be like, I just need to feel like safe. It’s like, okay, this is how we can feel safe right now. You know, maybe it’s, I’m gonna pull over my car and I’m just gonna like listen to that song that I love, or I am going to call somebody that I know makes me feel loved, and I’m gonna do that right now for you.
And man, when you do that over and over and over again, you have this deep trust in yourself that you are gonna take care of you.
Dan Purcell: Mm-hmm.
Trevor Hanson: not like, you know, you this some big, bad independent person who’s like, I don’t need nobody in my life. And you know, you’re snapping your fingers. It’s not that you get there, it’s that, you know, I love people.
I do rely on them. I put trust in them, but I know that people are people and when they fail, I am okay. [00:36:00] I always have my back, and man, that’s the confidence. That’s deep confidence. Let’s not fake it till you make it, you know, puff your chest out and maybe you’ll feel more confident kind of stuff. No, no, no, no.
We’re talking about deep confidence.
Dan Purcell: So would it be like making love? Sorry, this might sound really crazy what I’m not saying. What’s it like your wife to make love to this version of Trevor versus
Trevor Hanson: Oh
Dan Purcell: old version of Trevor? What
Trevor Hanson: yeah,
Dan Purcell: that like
Trevor Hanson: Yeah. Well, you know, this version is,
Dan Purcell: this version of Trevor’s capacity to make love to his wife
Trevor Hanson: yeah.
Dan Purcell: to the old Trevor’s capacity to make love to his wife? Let’s,
Trevor Hanson: Yeah.
Dan Purcell: way of saying it.
Trevor Hanson: Well it’s, it’s interesting because I feel like, the old version is maybe much more focused on receiving than giving. Right.
Dan Purcell: Okay.
Trevor Hanson: is the, I need this to feel like I’m [00:37:00] good enough or validated or whatnot. And the new version is just much more present and giving. where. My cup is full and this experience is just overflowing it, and I’m enjoying, I’m enjoying that.
Right. and it’s, it’s, yeah, presence. It’s also gentleness much more curiosity around like what she needs and how she’s feeling and what’s going on, which improves her experience, which then only improves mine because she is more of the things that I want in the first place, which is.
Dan Purcell: Right.
Trevor Hanson: receptive, pursuing, making me feel like I’m awesome, right?
And it, so it’s, yeah, it’s this really cool cycle where the more secure you feel, the more you can be present and give in ways that are aligned with your capacity. And the more you do that, the more you receive positive outcomes that only reinforce the things that you want at your core.
Dan Purcell: That is so good. right, so if you want to experience a little more healing [00:38:00] of your inner child, if you wanna feel more secure within yourself, so you have that genuine confidence. I suggest, uh, they either look you up or come find me. But Trevor, tell people where they can go to learn more about you.
Trevor Hanson: Yeah, so you can go just to Instagram. Honestly, that’s a great place to go. Uh, I say The Art of Healing by Trevor is my handle. or you can go to my website, the Art of Healing by trevor.com. and honestly, I just tell people like to. Do something for free, right? I’ve got a free little seminar.
It’s four bullet points on the things that most people are missing in their healing journey. And that can make a big difference when it comes to the inner child insecurities or if you’ve heard the buzzword anxious attachment. It’s kind of all of that. So, there’s a free seminar on both the website and Instagram.
And I think if you’re like, oh, this is cool, like I wanna do a little more, that’s a great place to do a little more.
Dan Purcell: Sounds good. Thank you.
Trevor Hanson: Okay.
Thank you for listening. I hope you enjoyed this episode if you’d like help applying any of these principles in your [00:39:00] marriages, in your relationships, please check out our program at Get Your Marriage on.com, where we do a deep dive on intimacy in your relationship and help you get to your next level.
And I wish you and your family a very merry Christmas next week. .
And until then, go get your marriage on.
