Has your sex life become a little too predictable?
In this episode, Dan shares 7 simple principles to help couples break out of routine, deepen connection, and bring more fun, playfulness, and excitement into their intimate relationship. From creating an intimacy menu to exploring new experiences together, you’ll learn practical ways to stop having boring sex and start creating more meaningful connection.
Resources from the episode:
- Awesome date night and intimacy apps
- Sexploration List
- International Lovemaking Day Bedroom Boxes
- Christian Couples Improving Sex & Intimacy Facebook Group
- Get Your Marriage On Coaching Program
- Intimacy Menu
Products we love:
Transcript
This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors or inaccuracies. For the most accurate and complete experience, we recommend listening to the full podcast episode.
How To Stop Having Boring Sex: 7 Principles for Connection and Fun
Dan: [00:00:00] I have an unpopular opinion, and it is this: there’s nothing wrong with maintenance s*x because, hey, that s*x is, is connecting.
It forms the foundation for intimacy in your relationship. There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s just that you don’t want that to be the only thing in your relationship.
Hey everyone. Welcome to the Get Your Marriage On podcast. I’m your host, Dan Purcell, and today’s podcast episode is for anyone that feels like s*x has become a little routine, it’s a little predictable. You pretty much both know, who’s going to [00:01:00] initiate, and the way you initiate is very predictable.
Dan: And then what happens during s*x, it kind of follows a script, and then you both kind of know when you’re both done. It’s, it’s a very predictable pattern. And you want something a little more transcendent. You want something a little more connecting. It’s not that you don’t appreciate the s*x you’re having.
You’re grateful for it, because it’s good, but there’s still something that’s leaving you a little I don’t know, empty. Something you want a little s- more pizzazz in. Well, this episode is for you. I’ve titled it How to Stop Having Boring S*x, and by the end of this episode, I’ll give you seven solid principles that you can implement in your marriage right away that will immediately help you stop having boring s*x in your relationship.
If you’re new to this podcast, welcome. I’m Dan Purcell. I am the creator of the Intimately Us app and the host of this podcast with over two million downloads. I’m also a marriage coach. I work with couples in private and group settings and [00:02:00] put on marriage retreats and cruises and online virtual seminars and lots of programs because I am on a mission to help couples, specifically Christian couples, elevate the amount of joy and satisfaction that they’re having in their intimacy in their marriage.
I’ve been doing this work for nine years now, and this is the, my life’s mission. This is the most satisfying thing besides my own work in my own home with my children and my wife, of course. But this work, this cause to help married couples improve s*x in their marriage is very important to me So I want to talk about seven ideas, and as you go through and as you listen, I want you to think about how you can incorporate this in your own marriage and in your own relationship to elevate the level of connection that you have in your relationship.
Ready? Okay.
#1: Maintenance vs Exploration
Dan: Idea number one is understand the difference between maintenance s*x and [00:03:00] s*xploration s*x. Now, every couple pretty much, if you’ve been married a while, you do have a routine when it comes to s*x. You have a script that you follow. I have an unpopular opinion, and it is this: there’s nothing wrong with maintenance s*x because, hey, that s*x is, is connecting.
It forms the foundation for intimacy in your relationship. There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s just that you don’t want that to be the only thing in your relationship. So there’s a distinction between the maintenance s*x and the s*xploration s*x. S*xploration s*x is when you try something new or different, or you’re getting deeper together in something that allows you to explore each other more.
It’s gonna be more exposing of your body, mind, or heart as you dive deeper together. It’s introducing more novelty into the relationship. That’s what I call s*xploration. S*xploration is good. Now, for example, a couple can have s*x one to two times a week to maintain s*x. But [00:04:00] maybe once a month or twice a month, make the s*x you’re having a s*xploration time.
when I say s*xploration, you might be scratching your head like, “Well, what do you really mean?” Well, it’s gonna be different for every couple, but let me give you a few specific examples. If you’ve never tried, I don’t know, having s*x blindfolded, you might go, “Hey, let’s try that this time,” or a different location around the house.
Or you might start in the shower and progress to the closet and then end in bed. Or you might do something a little more exciting or novel, whatever that is for you, like maybe finding a secluded spot where you can park the car and get frisky. make sure you don’t get caught. That would be illegal. Or introducing role play or playing with power dynamics in your marriage.
Something that takes a little more oomph, that breaks you away from your regular routine. And it can be something as simple as we’re gonna switch off who leads this time. If you’re the person listening to the podcast, you’re generally the one that leads in the [00:05:00] bedroom, maybe try swapping where the other person will take the lead that time.
These are just some ideas for you. Now, if you want even more ideas, I have two things for you. First is I have an app called Intimately Us. It is free and is fantastic, full of lots and lots of ideas to not have boring s*x. If you download the app, there is a section in there called the Sexploration List.
And you download the app, your spouse downloads the app, and after you sync, you can answer these quizzes and it will tell you where you both lined up on the yeses, the nos, and the maybes for lots of s*xual activities. That’s a great way to start. Now, if you want something more offline, on my website, and I’ll have the link in the show notes, we have what’s called the Sexploration List.
It is a electronic product that you can purchase off of our website. It’s … I think it has, like, 16 pages of PDF that, have tons, like hundreds of ideas where you can mark yes, no, and maybe. Fill this out [00:06:00] together or fill it out separately and compare your answers and could be a great source for ideas on how to spice things up that’s gonna be safe and marriage honoring.
So that’s to conclude the first idea. Maintenance s*x is good and healthy, but you don’t want to end there. Also make room for more Sexploration in your relationship.
#2: create a menu
Dan: Principle number two is create an intimacy menu when we think of having s*x, we make it binary. We’re either doing it or we’re not. We have a very limited idea of what that, would mean.
But the reality is, if your marriage and if your life is anything like mine where it feels really busy, chaotic, r- sometimes just really tired, you’re not up for s*x as in maybe penetrative intercourse going all the way, but you still want some form of, physical connection. So allowing yourself to kind of have more of a spectrum of what would be s*xually intimate [00:07:00] activity also is valuable for couples navigating a busy stage of their life.
This is where the idea of a menu comes in. Now, when you go to a restaurant, you have a menu. It has appetizers, it has main courses, it has sides, it has desserts. So think in those terms. If we were to be intimate, what would we want to put on our menu? What would you list as an appetizer? Would that be maybe a striptease or a lap dance or a make-out session or bathing together or showering together? What would you list as main course ideas? And that could be, you know, penetrative intercourse, oral s*x, and so on and so on, right? Lots of fun things you can do there, or different positions you want to add, add to your main course.
Then you have side dishes, and this can be like foot rubs. This can be, hand jobs. This can be playing with a toy or a vibrator, other kinds of exciting things you can possibly put on your side dishes. And then you have your desserts. How do you want to end? What do you want to do afterwards? now, of course, you don’t have to use those exact [00:08:00] ideas or those categories.
In fact,
The day I publish this podcast episode, I’m publishing a post on my Instagram account. Get Your Marriage On is the Instagram account. Go there, look for a post that talks about building a s*xual menu. If you comment there, I will send you for free a template you can use to help create your own s*xy menu.
What you wanna do is collaborate together on this. Create this menu, and you can list as many things on there as you both wanna do. Now, when it comes to intimacy time, now you have a menu to go off of. You might go, “I’m really not in the mood for this main course, but I’m up for this appetizer,” or, “This side dish sounds good to me.
Let’s do that.” Having a menu gives you more options. It lets you both look at it and go, “Oh, it’s not just so limited.” This allows you to stop having boring s*x, ’cause it widens your repertoire of things that you would consider s*xually and emotionally connecting activities in your marriage. So to summarize point number two, make a menu together [00:09:00] and then use it.
And this segues very nicely into
#3: Plan not schedule
Dan: idea number three, and that is the principle is to plan s*x, not schedule it. We schedule things like dentist appointments, meeting with our accountant, but you plan fun things, like you plan a party. I want you to take a planner’s mentality approach towards having s*x, and that’s a great way to not make it boring.
When you plan s*x, you’re gonna plan things like our menu. You might say, “Let’s plan to have an intimately connecting time Wednesday night. It’s Wednesday, the conditions are perfect, it’s business time,” if you get my reference there.
“Right? We’re gonna have some fun Wednesday night. Let’s plan this.” Then you might go, “Okay, Wednesday night comes, here’s the menu. I’m really not up for, you know, intercourse, but showering together sounds great.” Fantastic. That’s on the menu. Let’s shower together, and that can be your intimately connecting activity.[00:10:00]
It doesn’t always have to end in a specific limited way. The other point a- about planning is, it makes a big difference when you’re planning ahead for something rather than just having something just spontaneously happen unplanned. And you might be wondering, wait, isn’t spontaneous s*x kind of fun? But if you think back even to your early dating and courtship days, i- it was still kind of spontaneous fun that you were having, but you still planned ahead.
You still thought about what outfit you were gonna wear, where you’re gonna eat, what you’re gonna do. You anticipate and you think ahead. Another thing planning does for you is it really helps you concentrate on what do we want to feel at the end of our time together. I want to feel closer to you. I want to feel connected.
I want to feel seen. I want to feel heard. Then you can reverse engineer that and work backwards. Oh, if that’s what I want, then let’s plan on maybe having dinner done early or having the kids at grandma’s house, or whatever [00:11:00] it is. Planning is so crucial to breaking the boring routine that so many couples fall into ruts doing in their marriages.
Can I just a little side note on this? Sometimes planning ahead lets you do some more exciting things, such as booking a hotel room. In a lot of cities in the United States, you can use a service like Priceline.com. They let you find hotel deals, like last-minute hotel deals, and the concept is hotels want to sell their rooms.
They have vacant rooms, and they’re probably not gonna get someone booking same day, so they’ll offer them at a discount using services like Priceline. And for about the same cost as going out to dinner and maybe dessert or whatever you, drinks or whatever you’re gonna do, it’s about the same cost as booking a hotel room using these services.
So why not book a hotel room for a date night? There’s something special about being outside of your typical home experience where [00:12:00] there’s a lot of reminders of stresses and the constant emotional labor from the mental load that we all carry being in a new environment. You don’t have to stay overnight.
You can just leave when you’re done or let your spouse stay and sleep in while you go home and take care of household things. You can coordinate this and plan ahead a little more, and you can make s*x really connecting. By the way, I got that idea from my friend Francie Winslow. She was a guest on my podcast a couple of years ago.
That’s something that she and her husband do. They live in a large city where they can get really cheap hotels, and that’s what they do for date night almost every week, and I thought it was a great idea. My wife and I have tried it too, and it’s a great way. It takes some planning, though. So that’s principle number three, plan it .
#4:King and Queen Night
Dan: Principle four builds on top of that. It’s what’s called having a king and a queen night. I get this idea from my friend Hannah. And how it works is if it’s a king night, this is a night she’s gonna plan special [00:13:00] for her husband.
They plan ahead, and she will give him a menu of all the things that she’s willing to do, and that might be, ” I’m willing to book a couples massage. I’m willing to make dinner reservations. I’m willing to arrange for babysitting for the kids. I’m willing to, do X, Y, or Z s*xual acts when we get there.”
It… and so on and so on. She basically builds a menu, like a form, and gives it to him in advance, and he chooses, you know, one or two items from each category. And then she goes to work in planning a king night, where he is the center of focus and fun in, in their relationship. Because she’s planning this and participating it, she looks forward to it just as much as he does.
And then they swap. Next time it’s his turn. He gives her a menu of all the things that, he thinks she would really like, and she marks off the things, right? She’s the queen. She’s the center of attention. She gets, the royal treatment [00:14:00] that night, and he goes to work in making sure that happens.
You can implement that in your relationship once in a while, and that will eliminate boring s*x for sure in your relationship.
#5 playful
Dan: Principle number five is make it playful. I’m surprised how many couples are so serious when it comes to s*x in the bedroom. It’s so, I don’t know, almost sanctimonious. It’s so, like, specific.
So serious. Y- lighten up a bit. This is a time for play. S*x is adult play, and your bedroom or wherever you are is your playground. Make it extra playful for both of you. What can you do to make it fun? Now, let me give you a few ideas. I’ve shared this on my podcast before, so I think it’s safe to share again.
A few years ago, my wife and I planned our intimacy time, and I looked up a bunch of minute-to-win-it games, and I don’t think my wife and I have laughed so hard in our life. Uh, we’re, we’re [00:15:00] naked in the bedroom, and we’re playing these, like, silly games.
Like, um, I got a banana and an orange, and I tied a string to one end of the banana, and then we tied the other end of the string around our waist. So When you squat, you have a banana dangling between your legs, right? And we had this orange on one side of the room, and we marked off a finish line.
And so only using the dangling banana, you had to roll that orange to the other side of the bedroom. I thought that was really goofy and funny. We were laughing so hard. So there were, like, 10 little games like that. Can you have fun in the bedroom? Can you make it less, I don’t know, serious? Like, give each other donkey rides or piggyback rides.
Can you play a wrestling game or maybe, uh, inflate a balloon and play volleyball where you’re standing on other sides of the bed? Or incorporate a stripping game of some sort? A year ago, I acquired a company that’s formerly called The Dating Divas, now it’s called Date Your Spouse. And Date Your Spouse has [00:16:00] so many resources for bedroom games.
They are, I think, the world’s foremost experts on making time in the bedroom really fun and exciting. Like that Minute to Win It game idea I just told you about is one of their thousands of ideas that they have on their website. And we’ve recently packaged it all into a brand-new mobile app and added a bunch of other things that make it more connecting in and outside the bedroom.
That mobile app is called Sparked. Fantastic app if you want to keep the spark alive in your bedroom and stop having boring s*x also. It’s a perfect complement to the Intimately Us app, where Intimately Us app focuses really on inside the bedroom s*xual things. Sparked handles everything else when it comes to building a great and fun and exciting relationship, uh, leading up to the bedroom in your marriage.
So I’ll have the link to download that free Sparked app in the show notes below. Download that, too. It’s gonna be full of great [00:17:00] resources just like that. So just to recap, principle number five, make it playful and not so serious. This is time for fun.
#6: use technology
Dan: Principle number six builds on that. It’s use technology to your advantage.
There’s the Intimately Us app, which we’ve published, and we keep improving, month after month. That’s free to download, full of tons of ideas and games you can connect in the bedroom. One of my favorite games in Intimately Us, if you’re not familiar with that, You click on Play, it’s the first game in there, and it has a timer, and this timer is key.
It starts mild and progressively gets spicier and spicier. And you might start with some light foreplay, like massaging, kissing, and then it goes on a little more, uh, spicier from there. But because there’s a timer component and you take turns, once the timer’s up, you have to stop whatever you’re doing and switch to the next prompt that it gives you, and you don’t exactly know what prompt is coming next.
So it’s a [00:18:00] fantastic way to really, build anticipation and fun and a little bit of surprise into your lovemaking. it’s a great game to lubricate things in more than one way to have more fun in the bedroom. You can also use the Sparked app that I just mentioned also. You can also use AI tools, and I’m gonna do a specific podcast episode about that in the next coming weeks, so that’s a little sneak peek.
But you can use AI tools specifically to enhance things in the bedroom. In other words, technology shouldn’t be something that gets in the way of you and your spouse. You don’t want it to be a barrier, but you can actually use it in a constructive way in the right setting to actually build more fun and play in the bedroom.
So don’t be shy to use it in the right context, in the right way. It’s… Use it as a tool. Let it serve you, and let it serve your s*xual relationship. And that’ll help you stop having boring s*x. We can’t come up with ideas in a vacuum. We do need help from other people to help fill in the blanks in our [00:19:00] minds.
So that’s a great resource, Intimately Us and Sparked and other things that we’ll be talking about in upcoming episodes to really enhance s*xual intimacy in your relationship.
#7: invest
Dan: Principle number seven, this is my last principle, and it is to invest in your s*x life. Where we spend our time and where we spend our money shows a lot about who we are and what we value and what we prize.
Couples with great s*x lives take the time to talk about their s*x. They’re great communicators about s*x. They spend money on things like getaways and toys or lubricants or ideas, books, whatever it is that’s going to help them enhance their s*x life. They also, when the time is right, they invest in coaching or counseling to really help them overcome, you know, deeper issues in their relationship so they can enjoy more intimacy and fun and closeness in their marriage as they come across, you know, [00:20:00] like we all do, different challenges in our, in our marriage and in our life or different transition points.
Getting expert help helps. Investing in your s*x life can also mean, buying things that will add more novelty to your bedroom and to the way you do it. Let me give you two or three examples. At the time of this recording, we are in the middle of our International Lovemaking Day celebration.
And as part of that, I’ve organized a… We’ve never done this before. These are four sexy bedroom boxes. It’s a series. It’s not a subscription where it’s ongoing, but, uh, you can pay one fee or it’s split into four payments. But it’s a box of really fun, sexy things that we’re gonna ship to you right away and then a- another one in August, October, and December.
So it’s four boxes, four sexy boxes. The first one is all about shower s*x, and it’s an incredible box with lots of things to really enhance your [00:21:00] shower s*x, dates. And then the next one is, more sensual, and then the next one’s… has a getaway theme. The last one is a, a glow-in-the-dark, doing-it-in-the-dark theme.
So th- these different themed boxes. Investing in things like that is an example of what I’m talking about. My friends at Everylove Intimates, they do a subscription box where you get lingerie and a sexy date night delivered to you every other month. You don’t have to do subscriptions. You don’t have to do these things.
But the… my point, the principle is couples with great s*x lives that don’t want it boring, they will spend money on things to not have a boring s*x life. If you wanna try a new lubricant, give that a try. My friends over at LavaLube have a great, fantastic silicone product. my friends at COCONU have a great water-based lubricant.
And then my friends at EVERIE have a fantastic oil-based, massage cream and lubricant, combo. They’ve been guests on my podcast [00:22:00] before. You can go back and listen to that one, talk about how they’ve innovated this amazing new product. Using products and using new things like a lubricant open up possibilities and s- help you stop having boring s*x.
And as a bonus, I reached out to my private Facebook group. It’s called, Christian Couples Improving S*x and Intimacy. I- if you’re not a member of that Facebook group, I’ll drop a link to that in the show notes below. I invite you to join this private Facebook group. we just passed 6,000 members, and it’s great to have members that are open and sharing, asking questions each other, and getting inspiration ideas from each other on how to improve s*x in their relationship.
And so I asked this group, “What are your best, bedroom boredom-busting ideas?” And one of the top ideas that a lot of people commented on is to have s*x in different rooms of the house. It’s a simple little thing that will break up your routine. You might start in the shower and then progress to the closet, or [00:23:00] do it on the stairs if you have stairs in your house, or on the kitchen counter or, you know, so on and so on.
Using the couch. Y- there’s different angles and different things that you can utilize when you use different furniture also. So the, the principle is use what you have, don’t make it so routine, break out of your typical things. And you don’t have to get too crazy and wild here, at least not at the start, to really enhance s*x in your relationship.
Now that I’ve talked about the seven ideas plus a bonus idea on how to stop having boring s*x in a relationship, I want to just briefly address some things. If you feel like you’re in a relationship where you’re like, “Dan, these are great ideas. I appreciate it. They all sound, great, but I’m married to someone who’s just not interested in these things,” well, I have a few ideas for you on how you can approach your spouse about that.
First idea is remember the 4% rule. Whenever we [00:24:00] engage in something new, if it’s outside of our skill level, like it’s too hard for us, we quickly lose interest and get discouraged. Then on the other end of the spectrum, if it’s too easy, too boring, we lose interest also. So there’s this sweet spot, this Goldilocks zone in between, and that’s what experts call the 4% rule.
They did research on this. The ideal sweet spot is just 4% beyond your current skill level. So as you introduce your spouse to, “Hey, I want to have more fun with you in the bedroom,” if, if you’re used to a certain level, and you’re proposing something beyond 4% skill level or difficulty level, it’s gonna be intimidating and maybe discouraging for you or your spouse or for both of you.
So start from where you are and just go a little bit more. And it might be if you want to try some power dynamics, some bondage, and you’re not used to that, you might just start by, “Can I kiss you [00:25:00] against the wall?” Instead of going out with handcuffs, if that makes sense. That’s what I mean by the 4% rule.
A little baby step in something, and it’s great because it’s still collaborative. Number two is if your goal is to have fun and play and connect, these invitations for more fun in the bedroom are gonna go very differently than if it feels like a negotiation. If you feel like you gotta use your negotiation tactics and like you’re trying to bargain with each other, it feels like a tug of war.
Who’s gonna prevail here? Am I gonna get my way or is my spouse gonna get his or her way? Then you’re doing it wrong. The best spirit to approach these things is a spirit of collaboration, not competition. It’s not about who’s gonna prevail or not. Now, if it does feel like it’s a competition, like who’s gonna win here?
Is it my way? Am I finally gonna get what I want? And how come I don’t get what I want? How come I can’t express it without you [00:26:00] withdrawing and those kinds of things. Those may signify you have some deeper relationship issues that you want to work through and resolve, and you absolutely can resolve them.
I believe in it. You just need a little extra help. Sometimes a neutral third party, like a trusted friend or a really good coach or therapist or counselor can help you with that. If you’re looking for someone that can help you on those lines, reach out to me and my team. We offer professional marriage counseling and coaching for Christian couples, especially around s*xual intimacy.
That’s our specialty, and we can help you with that. I just want to reiterate it again. The idea is to be collaborative and open. You are meant to have a s*x life that’s nourishing, that’s replenishing, that’s, exciting. Something that gets you a pep in your step, a smile on your face, and fills your life with purpose and meaning.
And the path to that isn’t [00:27:00] rocket science. It’s quite simple. I hope the seven ideas in this episode have been really helpful for you to think about how you can stop having boring s*x and enhance s*xual intimacy in your relationship in a really fun and connecting way.
Thank you for listening. If, you have a friend that is married that you think will benefit from this, please share this podcast episode with them. Be sure to download our free apps and the other resources. Check the show notes. And meanwhile, go get your marriage on
