Is masturbation okay within a Christian marriage?
It’s one of the most common questions I receive, but few couples feel comfortable discussing it openly. We often reduce it to a simple debate about whether masturbation is right or wrong—but I don’t think that’s the most helpful way to evaluate it.
In this episode, I challenge the belief that pleasure itself is something Christians should fear. Instead, I explain how you can approach pleasure with wisdom, responsibility, and healthy boundaries.
I’ll share two practical tests to help you and your spouse decide what is right for your marriage:
- The fruit test: Does this practice draw you closer together or create distance? Does it strengthen intimacy, or is it beginning to replace it?
- The selfishness test: Is it an expression of connection and desire, or is it a way to avoid the vulnerability and effort a real relationship requires?
I also discuss the differences between masturbation, pornography, lust, and fantasy; how masturbation may support body awareness and sexual communication; and why secrecy can be an important warning sign.
You’ll also learn a practical “ladder approach” for talking with your spouse about sexual boundaries one situation at a time. Because this decision affects both of you, it requires curiosity, openness, and mutual agreement—not bulldozing, shaming, or allowing someone outside your marriage to draw the line for you.
Ultimately, the better question may not be, “Am I allowed to experience this pleasure?” but rather, “Is this helping us build the kind of marriage we want?”
And if you’d like further help building the marriage you want, you can check out the resources on our website, including our Couples Retreat, Next Level Couples Coaching Program, Men’s Only and Women’s Only coaching programs, and our apps: Intimately Us, Just Between Us, and Spark’d.
Transcript
This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors or inaccuracies. For the most accurate and complete experience, we recommend listening to the full podcast episode.
[00:00:00] Someone wrote in with an honest question they were almost afraid to ask: “As a Christian, is it okay for my spouse and I to masturbate alone, together, in the same room, when we’re apart?” This is one of the most common questions I get, and almost nobody gives a straight answer. So here’s mine.
It depends, and this isn’t a dodge. There’s a real way to decide this, and by the end of this episode , you’ll have two simple tests that you and your spouse can use to see if this is good for you. Now, we’re gonna touch on all of it.
Now, before we get into these two tests I promised you, we’re gonna have to deal with the lie that’s [00:01:00] sitting underneath this entire question, and it is this: lots of us are raised to believe that pleasure is somehow wrong, and that life is supposed to be hard, and if you’re enjoying yourself, then that must not be very godly.
And I believe this idea is cultural, not scriptural, and this leaks straight into how we view about s*x. And I get it. I used to believe that pleasure was suspect also, but I don’t anymore, and I’ll tell you why.
Now imagine there’s a road with two ditches, one on the left, one on the right. The one on the left is indulgence. Indulgence is pleasure with no boundaries, no responsibility, just take whatever you want as much as you want. And by the way, that’s a real problem. On the other end is the puritanical approach, and this is where you’re rigid and strict, and you look down on anything that can bring joy or pleasure or goodness into your life.
Most of us who grew up in these conservative Christian homes, I think, got pushed hard into more of the second ditch, the puritanical ditch. This is where we overcorrected [00:02:00] until pleasure itself became the enemy. Now, there is this healthy place in the middle, and that is pleasure enjoyed within wisdom and boundaries, and it’s not to be feared. This isn’t a fear-based approach. Now, developing the skill of understanding pleasure with wisdom is a task of adulthood, and this is why it matters.
If you believe fundamentally that pleasure is bad, you’re gonna answer the masturbation question differently because you’re coming out of fear instead out of wisdom, and I want to challenge you to answer this question out of wisdom.
Now, I’m gonna give you two tests as I promised,
But first,
let’s talk about our upcoming marriage retreat. This is in April of 2027 and registration is now open. You’ll go to our website, getyourmarriageon.com, click on Events, and you’ll find all the details about our upcoming in-person couples retreat. This is fantastic for couples that want to reignite passion and intimacy in their relationship.
If you want something a little [00:03:00] more virtual, a little more self-paced, something in a smaller group setting, I highly recommend our men’s and women’s small group coaching starting in September.
You’ll also find those details on our website.
Okay, Here’s the first test.
Most people get stuck asking, “Is masturbation a sin?” Yes or no? And here’s a better way to think of it, and this comes straight from the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew chapter seven. A good tree can’t produce bad fruit, and a bad tree can’t produce good fruit. You know the tree by its fruit. So apply it to your marriage.
Look at it what it’s actually producing for you. Does masturbation pull the two of you closer, or does it push you further apart? Does it build intimacy, or is it quietly replacing it in your relationship? Remember, good fruit tells you something, and bad fruit tells you something too. It’s good information.
So that’s your answer. This is applying this to help you understand this principle in your life.
Here’s the second test I promised, and this is a real danger, and it’s a [00:04:00] selfishness test. Now, this is bigger than just sex of course, and it’s a biblical principle.
We’re trying to reap where you didn’t sow is selfish. This is where you’re trying to get a reward while skipping the work required to get that reward. Some people use masturbation in this way. They get the hit of sex without the investment that a real-life relationship with another person requires to get the benefits of sex.
It’s like trying to have a diet of just sweets and candy. You get the quick hit, but it doesn’t nourish you compared to the real thing of real whole foods. So ask yourself this: Is my masturbation practice pulling me towards my spouse, or is it a way to dodge the effort that real connection in my marriage requires?
And here’s the clearest test of it all. Is it something you do that’s hidden and taken underground, or is it something that you’re free to share and it’s open between the two of you?
Now, there’s a lot of [00:05:00] objections, I’m sure. They’re like, “Isn’t masturbation just acting on lust?” But let’s think of it this way.
A lot of us were conditioned to think masturbation equals porn or maybe fantasies that are wrong, but really, let’s pull these ideas apart here. , They’re not all one and the same. You have the physical act, and then you have what your mind does during it. , They’re different things. You can actually masturbate without fantasizing about anything at all. , , here’s a way to think about it.. One can use masturbation without pulling up any mental images, but instead use it like a mindfulness practice where you’re tuning into your body and learning how your body feels, how your arousal builds. It’s focusing on the sensations. And if imagery helps, picture your spouse or maybe even a fantasy with your spouse in mind, and maybe this fantasy and desire can help you draw closer to your spouse.
So the lust objection here doesn’t automatically apply when it [00:06:00] comes to masturbation. Lust is more something that’s going on in your heart. It is craving someone who isn’t yours or trying to reap what you didn’t sow. And masturbation, the physical act, it can be about knowing your own body or expressing desire for your husband or wife when you’re apart, many other meanings that can be positive.
So a lot of people bring porn or other people into their masturbation, and I get that’s a thing. This isn’t in the scope of this video. We’ll address that in a different one. But remember this, you look to the fruits.
Here’s a helpful way to really address it in your own marriage. Let’s say there’s this line of acceptable s*xual behaviors and not acceptable s*xual behaviors that you and your spouse determine.
Let’s start on the left side here, and this is, let’s say, the penis in the vagina intercourse. You’d say, “We both agree this is good.” Now let’s move apart a little bit. What if it’s, her hand on his genitals or his mouth on her genitals? [00:07:00] Is that okay? Maybe you agree that’s okay. Okay, now what if it’s not her hand?
What if it’s his hand? Is that okay? What if it’s his hand but you’re not side by side, you’re in the same room, but you’re apart, or maybe you’re in different rooms, or maybe you’re engaging in this practice while you’re on the phone together while apart, or some other condition? Do you see how you can start with one end of the spectrum and gradually dissect it?
It’s like a ladder approach where you say, “This is okay. How about this? How about this? How about this?” And what you might do with you and your spouse is determine where is our line where this will be okay and not okay for us in our marriage. So I think this walking the line approach or this ladder approach invites collaboration in your relationship because what you’re gonna do is find where is the sweet spot for us.
And this kind of conversation with your spouse might surprise you. Remember that this line is gonna land differently for different couples, and that’s [00:08:00] completely fine because the reality is this choice is the choice that only the two of you can make. No one outside your marriage gets to draw this line.
You know your proclivities, your weaknesses, your strengths, and your desires and your patterns, and your spouse too. So this is something that you both are gonna have to collaborate on and come to a conclusion together, which is gonna push you to communicate better. You’re gonna learn how to lean into each other and love each other through this process.
Okay, I get this objection often. What if I think it’s okay, but my spouse disagrees with me? I get that. Now, remember, this practice touches on both of you, so it needs to have both of you on board. So here’s some guidelines to handle this conversation well with your spouse. First, get curious, not judgmental.
What is it under their hesitation? Is it fear? Is it old teachings? Or is it a worry about what it can lead to in their relationship? Is it something a bit harmful? Maybe it’s bringing up past [00:09:00] memories or past hurts. Get really curious and honest here. Now, avoid these two things.
One is the bulldoze. This is like the, “It’s my body, I can do whatever I want,” approach. That’s not helpful for a relationship. The other is not helpful either, and that is to shame your spouse. This is like, uh, “This is wrong. You’re a heathenist for even wanting this. I can’t believe you want that.” That is also not helpful and conducive to a marriage either.
What you want to do is aim for a decision that you both can accommodate and actually be happy with and live with. And this gets you out of being stuck. Now, if you are still stuck, you can reach out to me and my team or another marriage professional who can help you walk through this in your marriage.
Now, let’s talk about what this can actually do for a marriage. These are the upsides of masturbation people don’t talk about. The first is it can be extremely connecting, especially when you’re going through a hard stretch. The second, it can be extremely playful and er0tic. Showing off how you masturbate in front of your spouse [00:10:00] can be really exciting for a lot of people, and not just a backup plan, but can be the main event.
Another benefit is it can be extremely relieving. Masturbation relieves built-up s*xual tension, so you’re not walking around on eggshells or on edge irritating everybody. Nobody wants to live with someone who’s wh0regry. Wh0regry is like being hangry, but horny angry. So it can help relieve everyday stress.
In fact, research shows masturbation can help relieve, , headaches and other tensions that we have in our body too.
The other benefit is masturbation helps you learn your own body, how arousal works, so that you can communicate it and show it to your spouse. And there’s some data to back up my claims here too.
One study compared women who masturbate in their marriage to those who don’t, and they found that the women who do report higher marital satisfaction on six out of seven assessments. That Huber and Whitacre study back in nineteen ninety-one [00:11:00] and there’s other research that backs it up too.
But let me give you one honest caveat about this kind of research. It’s correlation, not causation. So remember, this isn’t about selfishness or avoidance in the relationship. This is about openness and connection. This is about finding a way that builds, not draws apart or tears apart your relationship. That’s the whole difference. So let’s bring this all home. Remember the two tests? Does it bear good fruit in your marriage? And does it come from a place of connection rather than avoidance? And here’s the bigger point.
I want you to stop asking whether pleasure is allowed or if it’s okay, but really whether it’s building our marriage that we actually want. Also, you can invite God into this. You can pray about it , and He knows the context of your marriage and can give you additional light and knowledge there too.
Remember, you and your spouse are to come to your own conclusion together. This isn’t a [00:12:00] cop-out, by the way. It’s an honest answer.
So my friends, here’s my invitation. Talk it through with your spouse. Give that line a try and see what behaviors are okay and where it … does it cross a line for your relationship, and this kind of conversation might actually surprise you. Apply the two tests. Is the fruit good, and is this about selfishness or is it about connection?
And by the way, if you like these kinds of conversations and you want more of them about how to build a better s*xual relationship in a Christian marriage, please hit Subscribe. This is the place where we have those honest conversations that most people tiptoe around.
Thank you for listening . Now it’s your turn to go get your marriage on
