What happens when one spouse wants sex more often than the other?
The higher-desire spouse may feel rejected, unwanted, or chronically shortchanged. The lower-desire spouse may feel pressured, inadequate, or as though they can never give enough. Before long, the difference in desire becomes a painful cycle that leaves both people feeling disconnected.
In this episode, I’m joined by sex therapist and sexologist Dr. Jennifer Litner to talk about what actually helps couples navigate different desire levels. We discuss how resentment, pressure, painful sex, stress, hormones, and unsatisfying experiences can affect desire—and why simply trying to have more sex rarely solves the underlying problem.
You’ll learn:
- Why desire differences are normal
- How to identify what’s really getting in the way
- Why emotional repair may need to happen before sexual reconnection
- How pressure from the higher-desire spouse can unintentionally suppress desire
- Why “good enough sex” may be better than chasing an amazing experience every time
- How to communicate what you want without criticism or mind-reading
- How to build on the bright spots already present in your relationship
Dr. Litner also shares a counterintuitive shift for the spouse who is always initiating—and an “erotic Pinterest” idea for couples ready to bring more creativity and novelty into an already-healthy sex life.
Whether you want sex more, want it less, or simply want intimacy to feel better for both of you, this conversation will help you approach the desire gap with greater compassion and practical tools.
Resources
Men’s and Women’s Only Coaching
Guest: Dr. Jennifer Litner
Dr. Jennifer Litner is a certified sex therapist, licensed marriage and family therapist, and sexuality educator. She helps people move past shame, anxiety, and disconnection to create more vibrant and satisfying intimate lives. As the founder of Embrace Sexual Wellness in Chicago, Dr. Litner has spent over a decade helping individuals and couples deepen desire, strengthen communication, and rediscover pleasure. She is also the creator of Building Ease Talking About the Birds and the Bees®, a course that helps caregivers teach kids about bodies, consent, and relationships with confidence.
