Sexual desire is deeply connected to a sense of freedom and emotional safety. The moment sex starts feeling like an obligation, a power struggle, or a way to keep the peace in your marriage, it’s no surprise that desire begins to wane.
A woman recently wrote to me about a struggle she’s facing in her marriage. She and her husband have experimented with anal sex in the past—sometimes it felt good, sometimes it didn’t. But recently, she’s felt convicted not to continue. Now, when her husband suggests it and she says no, she gets an almost instant cold shoulder, making her feel awful.
On the surface, her question was whether or not anal sex was appropriate in a Christian marriage. But at a deeper level, her question was about navigating the delicate balance of belonging to herself while also trying to keep her husband happy (which feels impossible sometimes!).
From my understanding, the Bible doesn’t give a detailed list of approved and forbidden sex acts within marriage. That would seem pharisaical and miss the point of the goodness sexual relationships can create. Rather, I believe God created a world rich with variety and diversity, and what one person finds erotically exciting might not appeal to another. This means that differences in sexual desires in a marriage are part of the design—not a sign that something is broken, but an opportunity for growth.
So what happens when a husband wants something the wife doesn’t (or vice versa)? The real issue isn’t the sex act itself but how the couple navigates that difference.
If one partner reacts to rejection with distance or withdrawal, that doesn’t invite love and trust into the marriage. And if the other partner gives in just to avoid conflict while betraying oneself, that also damages intimacy. Both of these responses—pressure and passive compliance—are immature responses. They’re tactics children use when they don’t get their way.
Intimate marriages call us to a higher version of ourselves—exposing our weaknesses and pressuring us to become more compassionate, better listeners, and how to love well, even in disagreement.
If this couple approached their difference with curiosity instead of control, they’d open the door to deeper connection. By way of example, what if she asked, “Why is this so important to you?” with a genuine desire to understand? What if he, instead of punishing her for saying “no,” asked, “What makes you uncomfortable about this?” and truly listened with the intent to understand?
Marriage requires sacrifice—not of your convictions, but of the lesser version of yourself. For the husband, that may mean placing on the altar his intuitive pressure tactics or cold shoulder responses. For the wife, it may mean giving up the need to be right, admitting that there were moments of enjoyment in anal play, but that the issue has become less about pleasure and more about who in the marriage is going to prevail about this argument.
At the end of the day, it’s not about who’s right and who’s wrong. It’s about building the kind of marriage where both partners feel heard, respected, and connected—even when they don’t agree on everything.
And that’s how you build a marriage where the sex is worth wanting.
