I don’t know about you, but sometimes when I am feeling a lot and having a hard time I just want to be heard. I don’t want solutions or to have someone “fix” anything for me. I just want someone to listen while I get it out, and come to my own conclusions and solutions.
When we first got married, I’d share something hard with my husband, and he’d jump in with solutions. He meant well, but I’d end up frustrated. I didn’t want to be solved, I wanted to be seen.
Eventually, I started saying, “I don’t want a solution. I just want you to listen.” And it helped both of us. He could relax into listening instead of trying to come up with answers. And I felt understood and supported.
That one shift brought so much peace to our marriage. It’s the heart of active listening. Learning to stay present, not just hear the words but care about the heart behind them.
Here are a few simple ways to practice active listening in your marriage:
- Be fully present. Put distractions (including your phone) aside and give your full attention. This includes maintaining eye contact so they know you are focused and engaged.
- Offer small acknowledgments: “mhmm,” “yeah,” or “that makes sense.”
- Ask follow-up questions: “What do you think made you feel that way?”
- Paraphrase what they have said “You felt upset when you had to do all of that by yourself”.
Although these things may feel overwhelming to add to your conversations, you can add them one by one. Active listening is a constant effort. But it is an effort that has a large payoff.
