In a lot of marriages, intimacy comes down to one question: Are we having sex tonight? It is a yes or a no, a pass or a fail. And when every hug, kiss or flirty look seems tied to that one outcome, at least one spouse ends up dreading the question.
An intimacy menu changes the question. Instead of yes or no, you get a whole menu of ways to connect, from a slow dance in the kitchen to a long night together, and you choose what sounds good to both of you tonight.
What is an intimacy menu? It is a list of intimate ideas organized like a restaurant menu: appetizers, sides, mains and desserts. You each pick what you are in the mood for, and you build the night from the options you both chose. It takes the pressure off, builds anticipation and makes intimacy feel playful again.
Why an Intimacy Menu Works
I call this having a menu mindset, and I walk through it in episode 327, Dreading “Are We Having Sex Tonight?” Try the Menu Mindset Instead. Picture going to your favorite restaurant. You don’t walk in and get told what you’re eating. You look at the menu, think about what sounds good tonight, and order.
Intimacy works the same way. Some nights you want the full five courses. Some nights you want an appetizer and dessert. When there are many ways to connect, there is no way to fail, and both spouses can say yes to something.
Intimacy Menu Ideas
Use these as a starting point. Keep what sounds good, cross off what doesn’t, and add your own.
Appetizers: easing into the moment
- A back rub or foot rub
- A slow dance in the kitchen
- A steamy make-out session
- A playful card game (clothing optional)
- Showering together
- Reading a flirty text from each other out loud
- Ten minutes of cuddling with no phones
Sides: a little extra flavor
- Candlelight and your favorite music
- Whispering what you love about each other
- Lingerie or something new to wear
- A blindfold
- Massage oil
- Lights low, door locked
Mains: where things heat up
- A favorite position, or one you’ve never tried
- A lap dance
- Somewhere other than the bed, like the couch or a chair
- Taking turns focusing only on each other’s pleasure
- A sensual full-body massage that leads wherever you want it to
- Including a favorite toy
Desserts: ending on a sweet note
- Naked cuddling
- A warm bath together
- Talking about your favorite part of the night
- Falling asleep wrapped up in each other
- Round two (or even three!)
How to Make Your Own Intimacy Menu
- Brainstorm separately. Each of you writes down ideas for each course, without worrying about what your spouse will think.
- Keep the ideas you both like. Compare lists and keep the items you both said yes to. Anything only one of you wants can stay off the menu for now.
- Make it look like a menu. Use a free template or a design tool like Canva so it feels fun to read.
- Hand it over. Leave it where only your spouse will find it, or give it to them after a dinner date and invite them to choose. With a wink and a smile, let them know you’ll be serving them that night.
If the brainstorming part feels awkward, start with our Sexploration List, a yes/no/maybe list that helps you find what you both want to try.
Dan’s Intimacy Menu Tool: the Easy Way
Because brainstorming and comparing lists can feel awkward, I built a digital tool that does it for you. Each of you clicks through the menu options on your own and chooses what sounds good right now. Your answers stay private. Then it shows you the options you both selected, so nobody has to say no out loud and nobody has to guess.
You can regenerate your menu and adjust it as often as you like, and once in a while it will suggest something a little outside your comfort zone, in a good way. That is how couples keep growing.
The Intimacy Menu is one of 15 tools in the Intimacy Vault ($50), alongside courses, assessments and date collections from some of my favorite marriage and intimacy experts.
Prefer something on your phone? The new Intimately Us app also creates a fresh Intimacy Menu for the two of you every week or so, with appetizers, mains, sides and desserts you can customize. Download Intimately Us.
How to Use Your Menu
A menu only works if ordering from it feels safe. In episode 327 I break the menu mindset into three parts:
- Consider the menu. Make sure there are plenty of options, including ones that don’t lead to intercourse. A wider menu means more ways to say yes.
- Order from the menu. Instead of asking “Are we having sex tonight?” ask “What sounds good tonight?” Then take your spouse’s order seriously, even if it’s just an appetizer.
- Be good company. When you don’t get what you were hoping for, notice the urge to go quiet, get short or pull away, and don’t act on it. Stay warm. Lean in instead of out. That is what makes your spouse want to come back to the menu.
Passing on something is always okay. If you want more ideas for the nights when intercourse isn’t on the menu, see intimacy without sex and the different types of sex in marriage. And for more playful ideas, try our bedroom games for couples.
Intimacy Menu: Common Questions
An intimacy menu is a list of intimate ideas arranged like a restaurant menu, with appetizers, sides, mains and desserts. Each spouse chooses what sounds good, and you build your time together from the options you both picked.
Include a range from sweet to spicy: back rubs, slow dancing and making out as appetizers; candlelight, lingerie or massage oil as sides; positions, a lap dance or a new location as mains; and cuddling or a bath together as dessert. Add anything you both enjoy.
Leave it somewhere only your spouse will find it, or hand it over after a dinner date and invite them to choose. Keep it playful, and let them know you will be serving them that night.
Yes. The point of a menu is choice, so passing on an item is always okay. Only keep items you both said yes to, and choose something else that sounds good tonight.
