Last summer, I spoke with a couple. The wife introduced their family by saying they had two children and jokingly added, “Three kids if you count my husband.”
When sex feels like a duty owed to whoever is “in charge,” desire fades. We don’t feel drawn to people we depend on or who depend on us. The fix isn’t spicing things up—it’s rebuilding equality, so you relate as two whole people and lovers rather than as parent and child.
While humorous, their situation wasn’t as light-hearted. They struggled sexually in their marriage. She had almost no libido and accommodated her husband to keep the peace. Though “spicing things up” helped briefly, it didn’t last. Curious, I delved deeper into their relationship dynamic.
When stressed or anxious, people often create hierarchies, essentially saying, “I’m more important than you, and you need to do what I say.” On the flip side, others cave into their spouse, saying, “I’ll do whatever you want, just tell me you love me.” They stop treating each other as equal partners.
However, passion, hot sexual desire, and deep love can only exist when you know you’re equals, at least emotionally.
This is one reason why sharing household chores and the invisible, mental load is so beneficial for couples that want more passion: they bear each other’s burdens as equals.
Treating your spouse like they are above or below you kills passion and sexual desire. This is because, biologically, we don’t find those we depend on, or those who depend on us, sexually attractive. It’s like family members; it’s anti-erotic to think of them that way.
Imagine dating someone who constantly asks for money, complains about respect, and wants all your time. Romantic? Probably not. You’d likely want to end things quickly.
Hierarchies in marriage create dependent relationships, making it hard to feel sexually attracted to someone you emotionally depend on or who depends on you.
So when the wife looks at her husband and thinks he’s more like another child she has to take care of, instead of an equal partner and lover, it makes sense why sexual desire is low.
I asked the wife why she accommodated her husband sexually despite having no desire. She was taught to “submit to her husband,” while he believed he knew best about sex in their marriage and insisted on it. This had turned their marriage into a power struggle, diminishing sexual desire.
Perhaps a better model to follow would be that of Adam and Eve. It says in Genesis that God took a rib from Adam to form Eve, suggesting they are to be side-by-side, shoulder-to-shoulder, as equals.
Why do hierarchies kill desire?
It comes down to something almost biological: we don’t feel sexually drawn to people we depend on, or who depend on us. That’s why thinking of a family member that way feels off—it’s anti-erotic. When one spouse dominates (“do what I say”) and the other caves (“I’ll do anything, just love me”), the relationship quietly becomes parent-and-child instead of two lovers. And it’s very hard to desire someone you’re mothering or managing.
How do you rebuild equality and passion?
The goal is to stand side by side again—two whole people choosing each other, not one rescuing or ruling the other. Practically, that means each spouse taking full responsibility for their own side of the marriage rather than trying to control or placate the other. It means sharing the household work and the invisible mental load so you’re carrying burdens as equals.
It also means neither caving to keep the peace nor demanding your way. When the lower-desire spouse stops accommodating out of obligation and the higher-desire spouse stops insisting they “know best,” the power struggle loses its fuel—and real desire has room to return.
To go deeper, see why sharing the mental load and emotional connection fuel desire, how to relate as equals by becoming a more secure partner through your attachment style, and what to do when desire has faded.
If you and your spouse are struggling with these dynamics and want to reignite the passion and equality in your relationship, you may want to consider joining my coaching program designed to help couples overcome these challenges. Take a look here.
Marriage takes teamwork to succeed, and so does a happy, healthy, sexual relationship. It is best when this relationship feels equal, as it helps keep the spark alive!
