If you’re a woman who’s never had an orgasm, struggles to orgasm consistently, or wonders if what you’ve experienced really counts—this episode is for you.
I want you to know this: you are not broken, and there is absolutely hope. In this episode, I share seven key truths about female orgasm, why it matters, and how you can move forward—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
We’ll talk about:
- Why orgasm is a skill you can learn (you’re not defective!)
- The importance of creating the right environment
- How psychological, relational, or spiritual blocks might be getting in the way
- Why self-exploration and vibrators are powerful, shame-free tools
- What supportive husbands can do to truly help (and what not to do)
I’ve worked with many women who felt hopeless and stuck, and I’ve seen time and time again that healing, pleasure, and confidence are possible. You don’t have to figure this out on your own.
You have permission to want this. You have permission to grow. And you are so worth the effort.
🎉 Exciting news!
👉 Our next round of Women’s and Men’s Only Small Coaching Groups kicks off September 2.
👉 Our brand-new Virtual Intimacy Getaway is happening September 26–27.
👉 You can also watch my free masterclass to learn how hundreds of couples are overcoming their barriers and finding joy in their sexual relationship.
Other Related Resources
252: Cunnlingus Mastery: 12 Tips Every Husband Should Know Before Going Down on His Wife
239: Sharing the Mental Load for Great Sex, with Dr. Morgan Cutlip
121: How I Learned to Orgasm: A Sextimony with Ashley
Transcript
This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors or inaccuracies. For the most accurate and complete experience, we recommend listening to the full podcast episode.
Still Waiting for Orgasm? A Loving Guide for Women Who’ve Tried Everything
[00:00:00] when you take ownership of your pleasure, you are not just passively waiting for something to happen to you.
You’re making it happen, and you’re choosing to let him in in the process. You’re choosing to share your body and your pleasure in a deeply intimate way, and that’s not only empowering, it’s freeing for both of you.
If you’re a woman and you’ve been married for a while and still haven’t experienced an orgasm or wish your orgasms are more reliable and meaningful, or if you’re questioning whether what you’ve experienced actually counts as an orgasm, well welcome. This episode is for you. I want you to know right from the [00:01:00] start that my purpose in recording this episode is this.
You’re not broken, you’re not defective, and there is absolutely hope for you, and you might be sick and tired of hearing that you’re not broken, but please hear me out. Listening to just this episode alone may or may not give you the inspiration, grit, determination, or the very solution you need in your quest for pleasurable, meaningful, and satisfying sexual experiences,
but it’s worth the effort to listen and apply the principles I’ll present because I believe the joy we feel in our marriage, and especially in our sexual relationship with our spouse lies not in our circumstances, but in the focus and purpose that we give our situation. If you’re new to this podcast, welcome.
I’m Dan Purcell. I’ve been in the business of helping married couples find joy in their sexual relationship and overcoming sexual challenges in marriage for over eight years now. As a sex coach, I’ve helped many wives in my practice find pleasure and joy in orgasm as well. And this [00:02:00] topic has a special place for me in my heart because it took my wife and I years in our own marriage to learn how to orgasm, and I’m grateful for the resources that helped us.
And I hope to pay it forward today As a resource for you, I want you to know two important events coming up that you’ll definitely want to participate in. First is on September 2nd, we’re starting our next round of our men’s and women’s cohorts. This is ideal for women and men that are ready to experience something different when it comes to intimacy in their marriage.
These are small groups, limited just six to 10 women, or six to 10 men, in these groups, you’ll do a deep dive into all things intimacy in your marriage in a safe and supportive environment. Led by one of our expert coaches, a recent graduate of our women’s group, emailed me recently to say that she was surprised at how safe she felt with the other ladies in her group and how much she had in common with them at how wonderful it was to feel supported and seen, and she had so many aha moments that made significant [00:03:00] shifts for her in her own marriage.
And you’ll find all these details of these groups on our website by going to get your marriage on.com, clicking on coaching, and the women’s or men’s groups. You’ll also find the link in the show notes below. The second event to put on your calendar is our virtual intimacy getaway on September 26th through 27th.
This is the last weekend in s. This is where you either send your kids to grandma’s or you get your own hotel room and join me live Friday night, Saturday morning, and Saturday night in three sessions for a special getaway with you and your spouse. This is for couples that are looking for some fun and some romance.
They want to explore something new sexually and grow closer together as a couple. I’ll guide you through specific techniques accompanied by some really fun, sexy homework through the weekend to make it a memorable, romantic and sexually exciting weekend For the two of you, this is an all new program, different from what we’ve taught in previous virtual getaways or retreats, and you’ll find all those details on my website under events, or click on [00:04:00] the link here in the show notes.
Today we’re going to have an honest, loving conversation about something that affects more women than you might think. If this feels vulnerable to even listen to, I get it, but I promise you’re in a safe place here. Before we dive in, wanna address something. If you’re listening to this and feeling frustrated, maybe even a little angry that this is still an issue for you, those feelings are completely valid.
You might be thinking, Hey, Dan, I’ve tried everything. I’ve read the books, I’ve followed the advice, and I’m still here. I still struggle to have an orgasm. I see you and I want you to know that your experience matters. And everything we experience in life, even our negative and frustrating experiences can turn to our benefit in the long run if we let it be.
So whatever your frustration, I encourage you to use it as an impetus to draw you nearer to God. My view of God is that he’s a loving, perfect, heavenly parent that is a giver of good gifts, cheering you along in every effort that you make. That’s [00:05:00] good. He wants nothing but the very best for you and your long-term development.
So I encourage you to prayerfully ask God for inspiration what stands in the way. What stands in the way of being able to have an orgasm, or what stands in the way of me having more confidence in my sexuality and patiently listen to his gracious guidance? While you do all that you can to take full responsibility for yourself, and I know this episode might be a little weird coming from a man telling woman how to orgasm, but trust me, I learned so much from my own experience in my own marriage, my own professional training and my experience working with couples on this very topic.
Let me start with seven fundamental truths about orgasm that I want you to understand. First is just about every woman on the planet is capable of experiencing orgasm. The rare exceptions involve like nerve damage or specific medical conditions. But here’s the key. Just because you’re capable of it doesn’t mean you’re born knowing hell.[00:06:00]
Orgasm is something you need to learn how to do. Kind of like learning how to ride a bike or any other skill. You weren’t born knowing how to ride a bike and you probably weren’t born knowing how to orgasm either. It can take practice and effort just like other learned skills and individuals learn at their own pace and then their own ways also, second.
Orgasm is an involuntary reflex involving both the sympathetic and parasympathetic parts of the autonomic nervous system. In other words, it takes a combination of just the right amount of relaxation and stimulation and letting your body do what bodies do like other reflexes like sneezing, or the little jump you get under your knee when someone taps, you know, right below the knee.
Orgasm happens when you’ve received sufficient stimulation and you cross the threshold and your body takes over from there. So sometimes it’s just learning how to have more of the right type of stimulation to get you over that threshold. Third [00:07:00] orgasms feel good, really, really good. Some researchers think that it’s the most pleasure our bodies are capable of experiencing, but exactly how it feels.
It’s honestly hard to describe. Some people say, oh, you’ll just know you’ve had one when you’ve had one, which exactly isn’t helpful if you’re questioning if you’ve had one. But here’s what’s important. It’s possible to have orgasms that are weak or small and others that are massive, powerful, overwhelming earth shattering.
So don’t discount a subtle experience just because it wasn’t earth shattering. Fourth, there’s an irony about having an orgasm. It’s that you can’t make yourself orgasm anymore than you can make yourself sneeze or fall asleep on demand. Think about it. Attempting to will yourself to sleep actually keeps you from falling asleep.
The similar experience is what gets in the way of many women trying to have an orgasm. The harder you try to achieve an orgasm in the moment, the more elusive it becomes. [00:08:00] So your effort and work and creating an orgasmic experience comes from cultivating the right conditions, not in your force of will, making the goal of orgasm happen on command, if that makes sense.
And you might not want to hear it, but. Being relaxed is probably the most important piece of that orgasmic environment. To nurture the body’s natural sexual arousal process is a relaxing of microscopic muscles, channeling more blood flow into your genitals, not a contracting of muscles. So I know that telling you to relax and not be tired might seem like impossible tasks that you feel. I’m just adding that more to your mental load. But promise me, prioritizing this, finding help from others where you can might actually be the key for you. Making progress in the area, making space in your life where you can actually be rested free from distractions and be in a good mood.
That should be our goal. And then let pleasure take over from there and you’ll be going in the right [00:09:00] direction.
Number five, fear might be what’s stopping you from committing to going all the way to orgasm? And here’s what I mean. Here’s a metaphor. When I was 13 years old, my family got a trampoline and we spent a lot of time with my friends and siblings on that trampoline. My younger brother could do a back flip, but I could not. I would get close to committing to try, but at the last moment I get scared and I wouldn’t quite allow myself, I wouldn’t, I didn’t have the guts to let myself fall backwards out of fear of landing on my neck. Or something like that. So, fast forward nearly three decades late last year, I was jumping on our own trampoline in our backyard with my kids having a great time, and my teenage son wants to do a back flip and is asking me for advice.
Lemme tell you, it’s hard for me to tell him what to do when I can’t even do a back flip myself, right? So I decided then and there to put my fear aside and just go for it. Fully committed. And if I landed on my neck, so be it. And would you believe it? I jumped high. I tucked my legs in and I let my legs go [00:10:00] over my head backwards and I landed even on my feet, my first backflip, which earned me major Cool dad points in the process.
The crazy thing is once I’ve done a back flip once, I can now do it over and over again. I’m confident. It was for me, it was getting over that fear of I might land on my neck. I just had to set it aside long enough. And just to relax and trust my body and just commit and go for it. The same goes for learning how to orgasm.
It’s often about learning how to really let go, and sometimes we’re afraid to let go. We like to be in control in our life. And orgasm is an experience where we’re actually not in control of everything, and that’s scary. So when we say relax into it, it really means this process of letting go and just letting pleasure take over.
Number six is there’s no wrong way to learn to have an orgasm, but it is a learning exercise.
It does require your brain to get used [00:11:00] to orgasming in at least one method or one way. When you repeat a learning exercise over and over, your brain creates neural pathways. Think of it like turning a bumpy dirt road into highways so it can make certain tasks come more easier. Naturally, the most reliable way to learn how to orgasm is to take matters into your own hands.
To be more explicit, I’m talking about getting comfortable. Undressing, putting some lubricant on your fingers and touching your own vulva. It’s important to approach touch with an attitude of curiosity and follow the pleasure without a specific outcome other than an open exploration of what it feels good in your own body.
Touching yourself might feel uncomfortable to hear, but please stay with me here. By touching yourself, you get an immediate feedback loop of what’s good and what’s not. Self-knowledge helps your brain grow those vital neuropathways needed in order for you to learn how to experience orgasm. Again. [00:12:00] There is no wrong way to learn here.
Some women grow these neuropathways by relaxing in the bathtub and letting a gentle trickle of water run over their clitoris. Others learned by getting in a swimming pool and holding on the edge of the pool where the pump jets water into the pool, and allowing a gentle push of water against their groin area.
Others buy a vibrator and set aside time to explore their bodies. And I’ll talk more about vibrators in a moment, but the point is it takes intentional learning, courage, and some creativity to learn what works for you and your body. Now I give these all as suggestions. It’s important to listen to your own internal moral compass.
For example, if you’re uncomfortable or feel immoral doing any of these things alone, you can absolutely invite your spouse to participate in a process. I don’t want you feeling guilty, dirty, or sinful while trying these things ’cause that will likely associate that sexual activity with guilt, feeling dirty or sinful in the future, which is [00:13:00] not what we want.
That’s not a good outcome. That being said, it’s crucial to understand that it’s not your husband’s task to give you orgasms. He can support you, help with arousal and collaborate with you, but ultimately, you’re the one that allows the experience to happen. An orgasm is something you receive and experience.
By tuning into your own body, letting go and choosing to be present in the moment. It’s not his experience that doesn’t diminish him his role or the sexual act. It actually enhances the shared experience, right? Because when you take ownership of your pleasure, you are not just passively waiting for something to happen to you.
You’re making it happen, and you’re choosing to let him in in the process. You’re choosing to share your body and your pleasure in a deeply intimate way, and that’s not only empowering, it’s freeing for both of you. Number seven, it’s okay to use tools to help you. Sometimes you can increase your body’s sensitivity by applying what’s called a [00:14:00] scream cream, and I put that in quotes.
It’s like a type of lubricant with a small amount of menthol or another compound that makes your nerves a little more sensitive. It wakes your nerves up increasing their sensitivity. This is especially helpful if you find yourself in the category of a woman who. Has no problem touching yourself, but you just don’t feel any different or you don’t feel any type of arousal.
Some more sensitivity enhancements might help you. Another beneficial tool is a sex toy, like a vibrator. God has designed certain parts of our body to feel good when stimulated in particular ways. The nerves of the clitoris respond very well to certain types of vibration. Hence why there are popular choice for women wanting to achieve orgasm reliably.
For many couples, they view vibrators as an inspired invention. It’s a godsend. Wondering how they could ever find pleasure in sex without it. It’s common for couples to be concerned about using a toy or a vibrator from a moral standpoint. I view [00:15:00] vibrator use similar to money. Use. Is money good or bad?
Well, I guess it depends on how you spend your money, right? A vibrator doesn’t necessarily take anything away from your marriage. Because you can use a vibrator as a tool to increase pleasure and enhance something special in your own marriage that wasn’t present before, allowing the two of you to bond closer as a couple that you couldn’t easily do otherwise.
I get asked often, what’s the best kind of vibrator to get? The answer is that there is no one answer despite all the marketing material you might see. It’s because genital nerve configurations vary from person to person. For instance, if you look at the pattern of the veins on your arm compared to let’s say, your spouse’s arm, you’ll find that they’re quite different.
You both have veins, but the direction, the branches and the placement of those veins on your arm, they’re gonna differ just the same way. The nerves in your genitals likewise also vary in their patterns and branches from person to person. [00:16:00] So when choosing a vibrator, I recommend preparing yourself to spend a little extra money and getting two or three different categories or types of vibrators and see which ones your body responds to the best.
And once you narrow down the category that works for you. Then you can invest in different vibrators in that category. ’cause you kind of have a better idea of what your body responds to. Well now let’s say you’ve tried all of those things and you still have not gotten results. It’s time to dive in a little bit deeper.
In my experience, problems achieving orgasm fall into three categories. They’re relational problems, physical problems or psychological problems, or a combination of the two or three of those. Let me share a few stories from each category, and my intent to share these stories is to give you hope and kind of set this framework for you.
Sometimes women have a hard time with sexuality in general, or orgasms specifically because they don’t view that it’s something that belongs to them, but [00:17:00] rather something they do or offer to their husbands. This belief interferes with her ability to take ownership of her own sexual self and denies her of the crucial spiritual development that comes from sexual development in the context of a marriage relationship.
Let me share with you a story to illustrate this point. I got this story from Dr. Jennifer Sfe. She’s a therapist and worked with a couple where it was his second marriage and her first marriage, his first wife had passed away and they’d had, you know, with his first wife, a great sexual relationship, and now they’re in the second marriage where, uh, she was quickly accepted to the family.
She became a wonderful mom to his children, and they had what seemed like a great marriage except when it came to sex. She came from a background where sex wasn’t discussed much growing up, and she had mixed attitudes about it and her own body. So they went to Dr.
Jennifer and as a therapist, she gave her all the regular exercises, such as the ones I outlined for you earlier in this episode. But she still [00:18:00] wasn’t making progress of finding pleasure in sex. Neither did she find any real, uh, desire to make sex great for her and in her marriage. She just did it for him to keep him around.
Then one day something shifted in their marriage. Her husband sensed all along that she didn’t really want a sexual relationship because sex made her uncomfortable. He sensed all of his efforts to get her to want. Sex was just not working. So on this particular day, he turned to her and with seriousness and all honesty, he said, look, I give up trying to make you want something you clearly don’t want. I’m no longer gonna try to get you to want something you don’t want because that’s not who I wanna be in this relationship. I can’t deny that I really want a sexual relationship with you, but if you don’t want that, I’m not gonna make you want it like I do.
I just don’t see this marriage turning into something that’s gonna be a sexual relationship. And as painful as it is for me to acknowledge, I think that’s the truth. [00:19:00] Perhaps we make this marriage be one where we’re just good friends. We raise the kids and after they’re gone. Maybe then I can decide if I’m ready to move on to something else or not.
I at least I owe this much to our children and to you to be committed for a while. That was a shocking and not shocking revelation. At the same time, it was not shocking because he was just being honest and clear about the truth of the situation as it was. No sugarcoating it, no fantasy, right? Saying it how it was, but it was also shocking because as a couple they’d been pretending like, oh, if we just get enough help, if we just see the right therapist, if we do enough exercises, then you’re gonna one day.
Want sex with me. Right? That was the fantasy they were living in. And, it was that, it was fantasy. We were pretending and they just realized they could no longer pretend like things will improve with the direction that they’re going. They don’t wanna live in that fantasy anymore. Anyway, the therapist expected the wife to be relieved that he was giving up on pursuing her sexually.[00:20:00]
He, she expected her to think like, oh, finally, I don’t have to pretend to try anymore. What a relief. But in this case, it actually had the opposite effect because the wife could no longer hide behind the persona of someone who appeared to be trying, but deep inside really didn’t care that much about her sexual development.
And for his part, he didn’t pressure her anymore. He just accepted where she was and worked on being okay with that as painful it was for him. This led her to a moment of crisis. She realized she was turning into her mother. She realized she didn’t want to set aside her sexual development any longer because her mother and her past experiences, they, they taught her that sex was kind of dirty anyway, she needed to know for herself.
And for the first time in her life, she actually tried the exercises that the therapist had given her for real, for herself, not for her husband, and not to keep him happy. Anyway, within a week she had her first orgasm and her relationship with herself and with her husband completely [00:21:00] changed. I like that true story because sometimes what’s keeping you back from orgasm is that you need to decide to do it for yourself, not for someone else.
Sometimes it takes a crisis, unfortunately, to get you to the point where you take yourself seriously enough to decide who you’re going to be in your relationship and what you’re gonna do. Sometimes relationship pressures interfere with your ability to orgasm.
Releasing yourself from that pressure can help you the most in those situations. This is why I believe it’s so important to work on the emotional foundation of your marriage. First, keep dating your spouse. Invest in each other. Learn how to love each other deeply and honestly invest in each other. A sense of one’s sexual self is highly tied to a sense of freedom.
If you don’t feel free, especially in your relationship to explore or not explore or understand your sexual self, you can’t truly understand it. There’s another true story of a woman who is so caught up in the demands of [00:22:00] motherhood that she just didn’t feel like herself. Her husband encouraged her to find a hobby and to go out and try something to develop herself, and she finally relented and did.
This wife was always interested in dance, so she signed up for an adult women’s dance class in her area and she felt so guilty and selfish at first for leaving her kids behind while she went and did something, you know, just for herself. Turns out she actually really liked dance and over time she gained self-confidence and a sense of coming home to herself, and at the same time she started to have orgasms during sex.
A first for her. Freedom and self are essential components of full sexual expression.
I believe it’s inspiring and rooted in goodness when women find that they can really belong to themselves. And in the act of sex, and that applies to men also, but we’re talking to women today.
These women I’m talking about, these are those that. Find that sex is a place where they can go to relax. It’s a place where they can play. It’s a place where they [00:23:00] can escape the pressures of motherhood and of life, and it’s a place they can be pampered and belong to themselves. They find sex to be that.
Place that nourishes them, replenishes them, and is a place that fuels their creative capacity. All of this is possible because their relationship is such that there’s a sense of freedom void of the pressure to perform, and it’s all balanced with belonging to make this all work. It’s worth the effort for couples to work together to get help if you need it, to make adjustments to their relationship dynamic so that sexual expression, belonging and freedom, are all synonymous in their marriage.
Sometimes learning how to finally orgasm could just be a matter of getting a better sexual education. And by the way, your body is your best teacher in this regard. A woman shared anonymously in our private Facebook group that for the longest time she expected orgasm from intercourse. And I don’t blame her for thinking that way.
Too much of our sexual depictions in our culture tend to be very male centric, [00:24:00] right? Anyway, it wasn’t until later that she learned that only about 30% of women can reliably orgasm in that way. Most women orgasm from direct clitoral stimulation. With many studies indicating that receiving oral sex to be the most reliable and pleasurable way to reach climax, and I did a podcast episode on the top of Lingus just a few weeks ago, and you’re welcome to go check that out for more detail on that topic.
Another couple saw a professional to help her reach orgasm. After getting to know the couple for a little bit, the therapist discovered that sex on average for them lasted about 10 minutes. Now this couple assumed that he could go from start to finish in that time and she should be able to too.
And when she couldn’t, they thought something was wrong with her. She also felt guilty asking for more time and attention put on her thinking he might get bored or tired or not be interested. The reality, most women need 25 or more minutes of [00:25:00] stimulation to achieve orgasm, and I believe that’s not a bug.
It’s a feature that women need 25 minutes or more of stimulation. Women are generally so generous and giving to others for so long. It’s about time you get to relax and enjoy something that feels really good. To be on the receiving end for a while. One woman put it as this is my time to get pampered after all the giving I give other people.
I love that attitude, and most husbands I know are delighted that it takes her a long time to come. It’s more time for him to enjoy her beauty and demonstrate love to her. Bottom line, ladies, don’t feel guilty. Take the time you need. Finally, there’s a lot of psychological reasons that can prevent orgasm.
Discomfort with your own body makes it hard to achieve orgasm because the whole time you’re trying to receive stimulation, you’re thinking about how much you don’t like your own body. That can have a real dampening effect on your pleasure. It can feel uncomfortable deciding [00:26:00] to touch your own body or by your first vibrator.
I get it. The discomfort that you might have in doing something wrong or dirty is something that you should pay attention to, but also give it some air and light. We’re often afraid to try new things because they’re unfamiliar and we’re afraid of the unknown, and I completely respect our decisions. This must be your choice, but it’s my experience working with couples that once someone realizes God’s goodness and the gift that sexuality can bring to a marriage, that belief or that testimony can be the catalyst to have the courage to step into the unknown with hope that it leads to something much richer and better in the marriage. Another woman shared with me that it wasn’t until she learned how to calm down her own nervous system through mindfulness and breathing techniques. In other words, not to be in fight or flight. So often it allowed her space to feel more connected to her body and mindfully enjoy pleasant sensations.
Another woman who faced [00:27:00] sexual abuse as a child sought professional help. She recognized that the way she coped with her abuser was to disassociate herself from her body to the point that it became intuitive for her to do so, even in a loving marriage to her husband over 10 years. So through the professional’s help, she learned to heal from the abuse and reconnect with her body and sex.
It was not an overnight process, and some days it felt like two steps forward and one step back. But her stubborn determination to heal was a joyful experience for the whole couple.
Sometimes what’s preventing orgasm is a lack of psychological arousal. In our podcast archives, if you go back to episode number 1 21, it features my guest Ashley, who shared how she learned to orgasm after being married for several years. Countless tears and endless frustration after trying all the things and still now outcome.
What finally worked for Ashley was reading material that got her mind sexually aroused with possibility and excitement. [00:28:00] On this particular day, her husband had a work trip across the country and he invited her to join him for a weekend getaway at the tail end of his work trip. So on the airplane flight over, she read a novel that her neighbor had given her that had a steamy part in it.
Anyway, it got her imagination going about what she could do with her husband. When she arrived at the hotel, she surprised him by asking if they could make love right then, right away. Because she was in the mood and to her absolute joy and relief, she had her first orgasm. Once she had it, it became easier for her to have orgasms of the future.
The key for her was that she needed more psychological stimulation, feeling sexy in her head. My point isn’t necessarily to encourage you to go read novels that get you excited and stimulated. I mean, that could help you, but just don’t underestimate the power of getting your mind in the right frame. The reality is that your brain is your largest and most important sex organ.
So put it to work to serve your [00:29:00] marriage by giving it something sexually exciting to think about. I believe the spiritual, sexual, and psychological aspects overlap significantly For another woman I worked with, it was her ability to accept God’s forgiveness for her past, to forgive herself, and to give herself permission to feel wonderful with her caring and patient husband.
That’s what helped her learn how to orgasm. Sometimes women don’t orgasm because by not orgasming, it’s giving them power, privilege in the relationship. Let me explain. I worked with a couple where she could orgasm by herself, but never with her husband, and I found this fascinating because clearly she was capable of getting there, at least alone, but not with her husband.
I suspected something might be off in their relationship. She said she wanted to be able to orgasm with him, but it was clear that he wanted that very badly. Also, after digging deeper into their relationship. I learned that their dynamic was such that he had tried for so long [00:30:00] to get her to orgasm that by her not orgasming, she was asserting her individuality and agency and herself in the marriage.
In other words, if she did orgasm with him, for her, it would feel like capitulating, like admitting that she was wrong all the time, and he is right. And why would anyone wanna feel like a loser in that way if orgasm has that meaning tied to it, right. This highlights the importance of couples to work on making their relationship rooted in freedom and as a partnership of equals.
When one takes a stance that they’re superior to the other, it makes it difficult to maintain a passionate relationship long-term. Before I conclude today, let me give husbands that are listening to this episode that wish their wife would have more orgasms, some advice. First, your desire to help her experience more.
Pleasure is good and valid. Why wouldn’t a loving husband want the best for his wife? Right? Second, be her cheerleader, not her critic. It doesn’t help when [00:31:00] you’re checking in with her to see if she did her homework, if she read the book, if she listened to the podcast and so on. Give her space to make it on her own time.
If you have a tendency to take it personally that she’s not having orgasms, and therefore you make it your goal that she has them, you are interfering with the process and it makes it even harder for her to learn. Sometimes the best you can do is back off, calm the heck down, as I like to say, and be her number one cheerleader instead, allowing her to go at her pace, not yours.
Third, approach intimate moments with your wife in the frame of what sounds pleasurable for you tonight rather than would you like to have an orgasm? Although you may never say those words directly, what you convey matters. The former invites her to step into a place of pleasure and pampering and often very inviting meeting while the second invites her into a space of work.
Work and sexy play are opposites. Sex should never feel like work, especially for your wife. [00:32:00] Lastly, take the bigger picture into account. Most mothers are overwhelmed carrying the mental and emotional load for the household and the family. So invite your wife to share in what areas you can shoulder various tasks to help run the family in a more fair and balanced way.
By consistently working together to share the burden of the family that can help both of you achieve goals of creating a little more margin, a little more space for enjoyment and relaxation to occur. In your relationship. All right, friends, if you’re still waiting for your first orgasm. Please don’t give up.
Your body is capable of incredible pleasure and you deserve to experience it. Whether your barriers are relational, physical, or psychological, or a combination of all three, there is hope for you. Remember, this isn’t about performing for anyone else. This is about your relationship with your body, your own sexuality, and your own capacity for pleasure.
You have permission to want this for yourself. [00:33:00] You have permission to take the time you need. You have permission to explore and learn and grow. If you are feeling stuck, feel like sexual differences or problems having an orgasm and all the effects of that are affecting your relationship, or you need more personalized help navigating sexual challenges in your marriage.
I have a free gift for you. There’s an in-depth masterclass on my website, and you’ll learn exactly why hundreds of couples are overcoming their barriers to find more joy in their sexual relationship every day in our program. And you can too. You’ll find those details on my website.
Get your marriage on.com. Remember, you don’t have to figure this out alone. There are people out there who understand, who’ve been trained to work in this area, who have been where you are, and who want to help you find the breakthrough you’re looking for.
Thank you for listening. Next week I’m gonna talk about eyes, open sex, as well as the spicy topic of Palacio. So you don’t wanna miss it. Until then, be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself and remember, you’re [00:34:00] not broken, you’re just learning. Now go get your marriage on.
I.
