This is our third Sextember Episode! So this is also going to be a really fun and spicy podcast to give you inspiration and ideas to make the most out of your Sextember!
Today, we get to talk about how to share your fantasies with your spouse (which is really hard to do sometimes) and about the value of adding novelty and spice to your marriage relationship.
In preparation for this episode, we polled our Instagram audience by asking them a bunch of “yes, no, maybe” questions (and some of them are really spicy!). Listen for those at the end to see how your own responses line up with those of our general audience.
Jacqlin is my guest today, and I’m so grateful to have her as a member of my Get Your Marriage On team. (And you may have seen Jacqlin on our Instagram as she creates a lot of fun and entertaining reels.)
Jacqlin has been married for over 15 years and has four boys. And she’s also a certified life coach and loves helping other individuals have more peace and comfort with sexuality for themselves and in their marriages.
Resources:
Intimately Us App (join the Sextember challenge here!)
Women’s Small Group Coaching (Cohort starting in October)
You can find links to all these and more at our website: getyourmarriageon.com
Transcript
This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors or inaccuracies. For the most accurate and complete experience, we recommend listening to the full podcast episode.
#206 What are Your Yeses / Nos / Maybes in the Bedroom?
[00:00:00] Jacqlin: being willing to still be a safe place for them to say no and if you are willing to kind of feel and work through and take care of your disappointment without, putting that on their shoulders, I think will create so many more yeses for you down the line and will feel much more empowering for you.
And your relationship
[00:00:18] Dan: welcome everyone. This is our third sex timber episode. So this is also going to be a really fun and spicy podcast to give you inspiration and ideas to make the most out of your sex timber. Today, we get to talk about how to share your fantasies with your spouse, which is really hard to do. Sometimes. This is about the value of adding novelty and spice to your marriage relationship.
In preparation for this episode, we polled our Instagram audience by asking them a bunch of, yes, no, maybe questions. And some of them are really spicy and listen to the end to see how your own responses line up with those of our general audience for those types of questions.
Jacqueline is my guest and she joins me on this podcast.
I’m so grateful to have Jacqueline as a member of my, get your marriage on team.
You may have seen Jacqueline on our Instagram as she creates a lot of fun and entertaining reels you to watch.
Jacqueline has been married for over 15 years and has four boys. And she’s also a certified life coach and loves helping other individuals have more peace and comfort with sexuality. For themselves and in their marriages.
I want you to know that our women’s small group coaching enrollment is open right now. This is a program that’s limited to just 10 women and you meet weekly for 12 weeks. And it starts October 1st. This is ideal for anyone that wants a stronger, more intimate relationship with their husband, or to understand themselves better in their marriage.
This group is limited to only 10 women and five of the spots have already been filled.
So, if you’re interested, you might want to act fast. All the details on our website. You go to get your marriage on.com, click on programs, and then women’s small group coaching. Or just click on the link in the show notes.
Jacqueline, it’s great to have you on the podcast today. How are you?
[00:02:31] Jacqlin: I am doing so good. How are you?
[00:02:33] Dan: Good. So today we’re going to talk about yes, no, maybe lists. I am so excited. So I have a few yes, no, maybe questions for you. I want to get to know
you a little better, right?
[00:02:43] Jacqlin: Yeah. Bring it. All right. tomatoes on a salad.
Oh, no. No,
[00:02:51] Dan: definitely not a tomato person.
[00:02:53] Jacqlin: no,
no, not on my salad. Okay. All right. Second question, dancing in the rain. Yes. Right.
Yeah. What about you? I want to know yours too.
[00:03:07] Dan: Yeah. Heck yeah. Dance in the rain? Yeah. Yeah.
my third one. Would you join a women’s hockey league?
[00:03:15] Jacqlin: Oh,
[00:03:16] Dan: Good one, huh?
[00:03:18] Jacqlin: yeah. That was a good one. I, I’m going to say yes, because all of my, my husband and all my boys play hockey.
And I am the, I am the, odd woman out. So I would say yes for the sake of I would really love to love what they love. So
[00:03:36] Dan: That’s good. Cool, cool.
[00:03:38] Jacqlin: okay My turn mine are a little bit yours were so short and sweet. I have mine are a little bit in depth
[00:03:44] Dan: All right. Let’s go.
[00:03:46] Jacqlin: Well, the first one’s pretty easy.
Would you go skydiving as a date night?
[00:03:51] Dan: No.
[00:03:52] Jacqlin: No
Okay,
[00:03:53] Dan: Uh uh. Maybe. I guess I could say maybe.
[00:03:57] Jacqlin: okay
maybe If if you had the opportunity To go Like job shadow, a research group in Antarctica for an entire month. Let’s say you and your spouse together and your kids were all taken care of. Would you go?
[00:04:14] Dan: maybe
[00:04:15] Jacqlin: Okay.
[00:04:16] Dan: that’s my
[00:04:17] Jacqlin: I know.
[00:04:18] Dan: Oh, there’s, I can see like that would sound so exciting and adventurous, but there’s
also the part of like, I I’m saying goodbye to the things I love and my comforts and
Antarctica is not going to be a comfortable place. So
can I tolerate a month of discomfort, but Holy cow, what a great once in a lifetime opportunity.
So.
[00:04:38] Jacqlin: Absolutely. Okay. And my last one, would you ever just wake up, drive to the airport? Pick the first flight leaving and just go on a vacation for a few days. Just
totally spontaneous.
[00:04:51] Dan: Yes. Uh, yep. Absolutely. We’ve done something similar before. So yes.
[00:04:56] Jacqlin: Oh, that’s fun. That’s fun. That’s a story for another day. I need to
[00:04:59] Dan: Yeah. Yeah. We talked about it in a previous podcast
episode, Awesome.
that’s so fun. So of course, these are more casual ones, but we’re going to talk about um, Some more intimate ones that you could ask your spouse towards the end of this episode.
So you want to listen to the very end because we actually polled our audience on Instagram and all of our social accounts about their yes, no, maybe. So make sure you listen to that. But I want to ask you, Jacqueline, why is it helpful to talk to your spouse? About your yes, no maybes, and especially about your yes, no maybes in the bedroom.
[00:05:32] Jacqlin: outside of just it being a great communication tool of just getting to know your spouse better. Um, I think it’s important to also, maybe even to get to know yourself better. Like what are my limits? What are my yeses? What are my no’s? Like hard no’s. What are some things that I’m maybe willing to try that I’ve never tried before and learning that about your spouse also, I think can be, um, really important as a way of getting to know you, communicating, um, being able to try new things that maybe you hadn’t thought of before.
Um, but I don’t know. What do you think?
[00:06:06] Dan: I like that too. Like when you asked me the Antarctica question, I said no at first, but then it like shifted to maybe the more I thought about it. And that’s, that’s the point, right? Sometimes you go through our marriages without thinking about why we do things or thinking about other possibilities. So this kind of really peels back the curtain a bit to kind of And also it’s helpful to know like your absolute no on tomatoes
about that. But I think the heart of the whole matter, and I think the heart of this episode is how important variety is for a married couple because, having a sexual relationship in and of itself. introduces a lot of challenges. But then to be able to sustain a vibrant sexual relationship over the length of a long term marriage, that adds a whole new layers of complexity too.
So I think variety is so vital if you want to be married in long term. So this like yes, no, maybe is an opportunity to I guess, ask and introduce more variety into the bedroom.
[00:07:06] Jacqlin: I love it. Yeah, I agree.
[00:07:08] Dan: They did a study about, uh, animal husbandry. So this is like, breeding animals for livestock and things like that. they’re looking for efficiency here. So they have a Ram, uh, paired with a U that’s a female sheep and they’re like. Timing how long it takes for them to copulate in this study and when they introduce the same you over and over to the same RAM, the length of time it takes for their RAM to finish his business gets longer and longer and longer and longer. And then. After that, they introduce a new ram. He, like, can, like, mount up and get his business done a lot shorter. So even just mammals, and in general, there’s something about newness and variety that helps with our sexual capacity to, kind of be more on point. Things don’t get stale, and, I’m not saying go swap out your spouse for someone else.
That is absolutely not what I’m saying, but you can be married to the same person, but have a different marriage, right? You can be married to the same person, but the newness of the experience, the newness of being with this new person, the new context can definitely add that much needed, like, you know, pizzazz you need in your relationship, that Eros energy in your relationship,
[00:08:21] Jacqlin: Yeah. We are drawn. I think we’re drawn to new things. We’re drawn to wanting a variety. Um, it’s like why women love to go shopping and buy new clothes. It’s not that we don’t have enough clothes.
[00:08:34] Dan: But
[00:08:36] Jacqlin: to like, Oh, I want to try something new. Um, I want a new car. I want, even if your car works great, you’re going to go look for a new car because it’s fun and it’s exciting.
And I think as human beings, we’re kind of drawn to like, let’s try something new. Let’s get out of this. Like you were talking about this stale mode of doing the same thing over and over the mundane. so yeah, variety is important.
[00:08:58] Dan: I think there’s enormous amount of pressure and forces that want to keep us in the, in the ruts, in the mundane, in the ordinary,
any come to mind for you? Why we tend to just gravitate towards those things.
[00:09:13] Jacqlin: Easy. It’s easy. Um, it requires little effort and little, amount of energy to just keep doing things the same way over and over and over. your brain, as much as we want variety, right, as much as we kind of crave something new and exciting, we also have this part of us that really wants to fall back into just doing the same thing because it’s safe.
it doesn’t push us out of our comfort zone and our, our body and our, like, our brain really loves the comfort zone. So, we’re kind of, while wired to also want variety, we’re also kind of wired to do what’s easy, and it’s really easy to kind of stay in the same dance that you’ve always danced before, without having to try or learn something new, or be uncomfortable, or have even, like, hard discussions, or sometimes, yes, no, maybe, you know, when we get to some of these questions, um, at the end of the podcast episode, we’ll Even just asking your spouse those questions can feel scary.
It can feel uncomfortable to ask and answer. And be truthful with how you act, like, how you’re really feeling, um, about a certain subject and if you would be willing to try it, if it really is a hard no, so I think that’s a lot of our, what kind of comes down to it. And we’re like, oh, like, the everyday life gets busy.
Especially when we were talking this month of September, we have our sex temper challenge going on. And a lot of answers I get from people that are like, when, you know, we ask, how’s it going for you? A lot of times the answer is, well, life is kind of getting in the way. And so I think it just is easy to kind of stay the same.
And that’s why I love this month of September doing the sex temper challenge is that it kind of, it really does challenge you to get out of the same. Rhet of everyday life.
[00:11:03] Dan: Right,
So I was helping a couple a long time ago. They went on a date. They’re trying to revitalize their sex life. So going on a date, first of all, was a huge win for them. They came back from the date and there’s still this little awkward, we’re trying to figure out how to be intimate again after a long dry spell. just watching a show is like their their go to in the evenings It’s so easy to just turn on that and they’re both looking forward to having sex But the show is just so much easier because it frankly looking back that they didn’t have sex that night They just watched TV and then they were too tired and they went to bed. It’s that safety thing, right? Because There’s something really exposing about undressing in front of your spouse, or trying to make a different move than you usually do, because it’s a little scary. But I think that’s the very thing. We need to, like, good marriages ask us to stick our necks out once in a while.
[00:11:59] Jacqlin: be vulnerable.
[00:12:01] Dan: Yes, to be vulnerable, a little bit more vulnerable, to take a risk. Um, do you have an experience that you’re willing to share of a time you took a risk, you were a little more vulnerable? And, maybe it paid off, maybe it didn’t. So it’s this idea of good arrows energy. That’s the energy that uh, breeds life and excitement and passion to marriage. It asks us to take, you know, stick our neck out once in a while, to take a risk. Is there a time you took a risk in your marriage?
[00:12:33] Jacqlin: Um, I feel like Because, you know, I think every marriage kind of has that story of, of, um, not every marriage, but I think a lot of marriages kind of have that story of one person who maybe desires sex more often than the other person desires it. And I can’t even imagine how it was for my spouse who tends to want sex more often than I do.
tends to be more of that higher desire level. But I think any time, any time that I’m like, Oh, this kind of sounds fun. Like that, this would be something that I would totally be into right now. and I kind of have to initiate, which is something that we kind of decided together. Like, because I knew he was always a yes.
I’m
[00:13:15] Dan: Yes.
[00:13:16] Jacqlin: Um, he was always going to be a yes, that we kind of put the ball in my court, um, for our relationship. which is great in
some
[00:13:26] Dan: great, but you have a lot of more pressure. Yeah.
[00:13:29] Jacqlin: but it, and I, this is, it’s just so funny because like, I love him so much. Like, I love my husband more than anything, and I know he would never, Ever make fun of me.
I know he’s always going to say yes, and I still have that piece of me That’s like I feel kind of dumb like initiating like oh like saying this is what I want right now Feels so exposing and so vulnerable That it like my body will almost like it’s Like a visceral reaction to just having to expose myself in the smallest way being like, hey Would you be into this like tonight?
You want to like give this a go? And I feel that it gets easier. I think every time, like, I think the, the period of hesitation gets shorter, but it still is there every time.
[00:14:19] Dan: Well, that’s how you know you’re on the right track because it’s supposed to be a little risky. That’s
why, that’s how you know you’re, you’re on the right track at infusing your marriage with more of this joyful, eros energy.
[00:14:33] Jacqlin: Yeah. So it is like, it’s a very, very, risky, vulnerable thing. Even if you’re pretty sure your spouse is going to be on board
when you’re like pretty sure about that. It’s still like, you can be a very,
[00:14:47] Dan: Right. Cause it’s not the safe road.
[00:14:54] Jacqlin: It’s not the safe road. The safe road would be turn on the TV and watch, you know, The Bachelorette, or I don’t know, maybe your viewers don’t watch The
[00:15:01] Dan: Whatever.
[00:15:02] Jacqlin: We love it. know, like, hey, let’s turn on the TV show instead of having to take that risk. Um, but when I think I may have heard you say this at one point, the, when you talk about taking that risk, the reward.
Is equally if not greater than the risk that you took. So it’s a very low, low risk to just turn on the TV,
but your reward is very, very low also.
[00:15:29] Dan: Right. Right. That makes sense. I agree. Like, for me, I’m a more of a gentle person. I’m not aggressive. I’m not an in your face kind of a guy at all. that might be a shock to some of you listening to this. Just kidding. Anyway, there was a time I was undressing at the end of the day in the closet. My wife is on the bed reading or something, but I just had this crazy idea. So I undressed completely. I was naked and I, I tied a tie, like, like one of my, my neckties. So I was only wearing a tie and I come out and I adopt this persona.
Like I’m all business. And
then I, I, then I had this idea, like I take the tie off my, my neck and I put around her wrists and like, you’re under arrest. It is absolutely illegal for a woman as beautiful as you are to be out here. This cannot happen. And it was a big risk for me to kind of step into a persona, kind of a role play. But, um, my wife, she loved it, right? She
loved that. Like that, because it’s the energy of like, you are so beautiful. Like,
like how, how dare you be so beautiful in my presence? Like
It’s,
it’s a fun energy, but yeah,
[00:16:50] Jacqlin: yeah, I was just thinking, like, I think it’s so interesting because , my husband, it tends to be a little bit more in your face and not like loud, but he’s definitely his presence is known. He has a very, obvious presence in the world, but when he, like when we are together, he’s like a teddy bear.
Like, I, it just, I think it is so sweet how unsure he is, almost of himself, you know? And I’m listening to your
[00:17:19] Dan: it’s endearing, right? Uh
[00:17:21] Jacqlin: it is endearing, but I’m listening to your story and I’m like, you know what, if we just, I don’t know, We’re willing to take more risks and willing to even sit with the discomfort of that risk, not paying off, how much more confident would we be going into it, being able to do a role play like that?
You know, not that I necessarily want him to be really aggressive, you know, intimate wise, but just being able to have that confidence going into it to be able to do something like that. And, like, take that risk. I think it would pay off. I think it would.
[00:17:57] Dan: Alright, let’s also be realistic. There’s also times when the answer is a no.
And it can be absolutely devastating and disappointing. Like, I, I still have, maybe PTSD sounds too severe, but I have a few memories of times when I got up all the courage I could muster to ask my wife something sexually, if something I really wanted. And the answer was a no. And it felt like such a deep, cutting rejection, just the, even those memories of it, just, I can feel it in my body
still,
[00:18:28] Jacqlin: yeah, I call it little t trauma.
[00:18:30] Dan: That’s definitely, I have lots of little t trauma and, um, you know, my wife and I talk about that experience time to time and she has little t trauma from that too. so you don’t always get what you want. what are your thoughts on that?
[00:18:43] Jacqlin: think that’s part of being human is being able to understand that disappointment is going to come from time to time. And sometimes it can feel devastating. Sometimes it really can. But I think the trick is, especially when we’re talking about this risk, there is always a risk of being disappointed if you put yourself out there.
If you talk about something, you know, we’re going to talk about some of these yes, no, maybe questions at the end. And some of them are a little bit spicy. Like some of them are questions that maybe you really would love to try. And maybe he or she just really, like, it’s a hard no. And so being willing, number one, to allow your spouse to be a no.
Without reacting to them like you can feel disappointed and not treat them from that place of Disappointment if that makes sense.
Um, so I think learning how to feel disappointed without treating your partner differently Um being able to manage how you’re feeling and being able to take care of yourself because it does suck like sometimes it just sucks and we really wish that it could be different or um We wish that maybe they were more willing to try something, but I think showing love for yourself, showing love for your partner, um, giving them the space to say no.
I think this was something that was really big for me personally. Not that my husband ever held this against me ever, not that he would ever have done this, but me personally, I felt like, oh my gosh, I have to say yes. Like, this is something, this is important for us. But if I, like, if it was a hard no, and I tried to push myself through it, all it did was create resentment down the line.
[00:20:22] Dan: Mm hmm.
[00:20:23] Jacqlin: So realizing that by allowing your partner the space to say no, by allowing yourself to feel disappointed without making it mean anything bad about either of you, I think in the long term is going to create a lot more yeses.
[00:20:38] Dan: Mm hmm.
[00:20:39] Jacqlin: when your spouse feels safe to say no, when you feel safe to ask, when you feel safe to feel disappointed, and, if your spouse does decide to say no, I think creates a very unconditionally loving space for you to grow closer together, to have more discussions about things, maybe even be more willing to try things that you wouldn’t have in the past.
so I think creating that space allows for more yeses down the line.
[00:21:07] Dan: I love it. I think we should
underline that highlight it and circle that that was like
Fantastic, and it’s this idea that your capacity to handle a no and a disappointment is the measure of your marriage It’s not when things are going great and sunny It’s how do you have can you handle this appointment because frankly to be married with someone means They’re going to be disappointed because they
think differently than you do.
They’re
wired differently than you do. They have a different body than you do. They have different traumas than you do.
[00:21:37] Jacqlin: and backgrounds and families like it. Yeah.
Yeah.
[00:21:41] Dan: is there a metaphor that would make sense that might include a little red fruit? That’s
[00:21:48] Jacqlin: when you asked me that yes, no, maybe
[00:21:50] Dan: good.
[00:21:54] Jacqlin: Um, yeah, I like, I don’t know why I have just, I’ve hated tomatoes my entire life. Um, I’ve always been a really picky eater and as I’ve gotten older, like that, my palate has shifted significantly. I’ll try so many more things and enjoy so many more things, but I have never really learned.
Or my body has just always hated tomatoes specifically fresh tomatoes like I love salsa. I love spaghetti sauce um ketchup, I know that probably doesn’t count but I’ve tried and I have tried so hard because You know, especially farmers when they pick that fresh tomato off the vine, and they’ll just bite it and they’re like, nothing is better than a tomato off the vine.
I’m like, yeah, there’s so many things. I just I hate them. And so I think of that when I think of. especially I love analogies. Like, I, I try to come up with analogies to express how I feel because I think it takes emotion a little bit out of the situation. So you can kind of view it a little bit more logically and no one’s feelings are hurt.
Um, and I can express myself better. So this is something that I tend to use. It’s like, I can try a tomato, and I’ve tried it so many times, but it’s just a no for me, and there might be other things, you know, like, oh, I like spaghetti sauce, and I like salsa, and, you know, so I’ll try those, and I, and I like those, but this one thing is just a no, and so I think, Going to your partner and talking about your yes, no, maybes, talking about things you want to try, um, adding more variety, I think it’s important to remember, like we had just said, they are completely different and they might have things that are just a no, and I think that You may have this fantasy, right, of, of being able to move forward with something like this, or wanting this in the bedroom, and maybe they’re willing, and maybe it’s a hard no, and it doesn’t mean that they, there’s something wrong with them.
It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you because you want it, but it’s a no for them. sometimes it’s just a no, and it really, that’s it, that’s it, that’s as far as it goes. and so being, that’s why I had mentioned, like, being willing to let it be a no. And to be disappointed like that’s totally valid to be disappointed that we hate tomatoes and I’ve never that’s just not gonna be a yes for me ever and that’s okay.
And there are so many other things that you can try and Working together and really communicating together to maybe you’re not going to get this thing, right? Maybe this fantasy that you have in your mind of what it should look like Or what the perfect experience would be or the perfect position or this thing you really whatever it is Maybe that’s gonna be a no, but you can work together to come up with your like to co create An experience, a position, a whatever, right?
A fantasy that is both of you, together, creating this experience. And it might be different than what you originally thought, but it can be just as amazing. And it doesn’t mean that he or she has to ever love tomatoes in order for it to do that. Yeah.
[00:25:04] Dan: So it’s like moving into this like collaborative space. Can we
collaborate together? And I think that, you know, we’ve touched on yeses. We’ve talked about nos just now, and this is opening the conversation to the maybe side of things. Like
I, I could be okay with this. If we can work out these kinds of parameters and it’s
about are you willing to be open and see the other person fully like I some of our best intimate experiences and I mean intimacy in the broad sense, not as a euphemism for sex, but our best intimate experiences.
My marriage has been when I could really see my wife for who she is. as a whole person and just accept and love all of that. And she could see me as a whole person and love and accept all of that. Even if I have different desires than she does. And it might mean, look, I know this is hard for you. You know, as if speaking to my wife, I know this is hard for you.
This is difficult space, but so I can work this way. Or it’s like, I know this is really important to you and this is, This is hard for me to do, but because I love you, maybe we can shift into this other space. And when you can move into a maybe as a collaborative, it pressures the marriage to grow up and it invites us as people to grow and expand who we are. it’s an expansion, it’s a, opening up, it’s a growing up of who we are. And I think that’s one of the beauties of marriage is, is it pushes on us to continually grow up.
[00:26:39] Jacqlin: I agree. I, and I think that’s really interesting thing to note because I’m thinking of just because this is something my husband and I have been working on pretty significantly for the last probably three ish years. and my initial instinct was to talk about like, you know, your body’s really telling if you ask some of these questions, you know, um, one of the ones that just immediately comes to mind is like, would you be willing to try anal sex?
Right? Like that’s, that’s pretty significant. It’s a pretty, you know.
[00:27:08] Dan: Mm hmm.
[00:27:11] Jacqlin: and so at first I wanted to say, you know, pay attention to how your body reacts to the question like right off the bat. Is it like, oh, that’s a no, that’s my tomato. And there’s no way I’m ever going to like that. Um, however, when you were talking about kind of opening that door a little bit, like, is this.
Is this really a hard no? Like, it’s okay to question that. Say, okay, is there ever a time I could see this being a maybe? Like, is that, is that door even willing to be opened
[00:27:39] Dan: and we’re talking about
the backdoor, specifically.
[00:27:42] Jacqlin: Right.
That was awesome. but if you grow, like I’m thinking now, my, my, my nose, a lot of my nose have shifted
into maybe.
[00:27:57] Dan: mm
[00:27:58] Jacqlin: But it really came from knowing wholeheartedly that I wasn’t going to be punished if I said no. I wasn’t going to be treated differently if I said no. Um, and as we kind of create a really safe place and, or a safe space in each other to say yes or no, to share our, our yeses, all of that without judgment, being able to love each other through that vulnerable, This that we share through, just talking about it.
I’m not even talking about like engaging in it, but just having the conversation that has opened the door for so many more maybes
[00:28:36] Dan: hmm, mm
[00:28:37] Jacqlin: that have turned into yeses. And I’m just like, Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I thought this was like the worst thing ever,
you know, just a few years ago. And now I’m like, I can’t imagine our life without it,
[00:28:48] Dan: right? It’s
richer now,
[00:28:49] Jacqlin: it’s yeah.
[00:28:50] Dan: that’s fantastic.
Well, Jacqueline, let’s get into it. Let’s get into the
yes, no, maybe questions we pulled our audience and what they said. This is going to be
[00:28:58] Jacqlin: All right
[00:28:59] Dan: Just for our listeners, some of these, you’re going to feel like, like Jacqueline just said, like you’re a body reaction, like definitely you gross.
No, I, and that’s okay. But just pay attention. Or some of you might go feel super excited about these ideas too. It might trigger you one way or the other, and that’s fine. Just try to be neutral about it and just, Pay attention to yourself in these things, how you feel,
[00:29:23] Jacqlin: All right So i’ll share the question and these are some of the yes, no maybes that we polled our audience. So would you enjoy being woken up to your spouse initiating sex? 71 said yes 13 said no and 16 said maybe all right That’s funny. I just have to share like some
of these I’m gonna just have to share personal experience.
I was laughing at this one
[00:29:50] Dan: uh,
[00:29:51] Jacqlin: My husband knows like you do not interrupt my sleep
[00:29:56] Dan: never, ever under any
[00:29:57] Jacqlin: Never So I was laughing. I’m like 71 percent said yes, like I but I I also I don’t sleep great So my sleep is so precious. Anyway, okay next would you send your spouse a na/ked picture of yourself? 64 percent said yes, 22 percent said no, and 13 percent said maybe.
Yeah, that, that one is tricky. I was thinking of all the kind of, like, with technology and those images being saved. In the ether. I’m like, what? I, in theory. In
theory, maybe I would. Okay.
[00:30:32] Dan: that’s why
the just between us, just a plug, but that’s why the
just between us app exists for that very concern.
[00:30:38] Jacqlin: I love it. Would you explore different kinds of sexual communication? For example, like moaning or dirty talk?
76% said absolutely.
[00:30:49] Dan: Uh,
[00:30:50] Jacqlin: Only 3% said no, and 22% said maybe. So, that was interesting. There was a huge skew on that one. Would you be up for roleplay in the bedroom? 42 percent said yes, 24 percent said not for me, and 34 percent said maybe. So, that one was
a little bit more even.
[00:31:09] Dan: that’s more divided. Yeah.
[00:31:10] Jacqlin: little bit more divided.
[00:31:12] Dan: Cause I’m surprised cause I think people role play more often than they think they really do.
[00:31:17] Jacqlin: I think they, yeah, I agree.
It, it isn’t necessarily dressing up as your favorite character. You know, it’s not like I’m walking in as Princess Leia or anything, you know.
[00:31:29] Dan: Right. And he’s Han Solo,
Right,
Whatever. That’s not always it.
[00:31:34] Jacqlin: yeah,
[00:31:35] Dan: assuming he’s Han Solo. Maybe he’s Chewbacca.
[00:31:40] Jacqlin: You kidding me? Harrison Ford forever. I love him. Okay. would you have sex while staying at your in laws? 75 percent said totally.
So that one, very, very much approved. They
don’t care who’s in the house. 11 percent said nope, and 14 percent said maybe. Would you talk to your spouse about fantasies that you have?
This one kind of surprised me. I’m not gonna lie, cause this one can be very vulnerable.
To like, really dig in, and Discuss, you know, what’s anyway for me, that would feel really vulnerable and I would assume for many, but 59 percent said yes. So
more than half only 8 percent said no. And then we had a large chunk of 33 percent said, maybe but no, I think that 1, that 1 was a bit of a shock for me.
I thought that 1 would be a little bit more skewed.
Okay, would you have sex in the shower? This is not surprising. 79 percent said yes,
[00:32:42] Dan: huh
[00:32:43] Jacqlin: 11 percent said pass, and 10 percent said maybe. So that
one was very much in favor. would you get frisky in a hot tub?
75 percent said of course.
That one again, not surprising.
10 percent said no, and 15 percent said maybe. All right, skinny dip in a backyard pool. Just you and your spouse. So no one else there.
76 percent said
[00:33:08] Dan: yes.
Nice.
[00:33:09] Jacqlin: percent said no. 14 percent said maybe. I don’t know why that one was a little more surprising to me. I don’t know. Maybe
[00:33:17] Dan: there’s more involved to skinny dip. I think there’s more
exposure potential.
[00:33:21] Jacqlin: more exposure. So that one was surprising, but I guess if you really are assuming that you’re totally secluded, maybe that’s different.
[00:33:30] Dan: Yeah,
[00:33:32] Jacqlin: Okay, would you pull over somewhere secluded and make out in the car? 86 percent said absolutely.
Only 1 percent said no. And 12 percent said maybe. Okay, would you enjoy being intimate outdoors under the stars?
81 percent said yes, 4 percent no, and 15 percent maybe. That one didn’t surprise me at all either.
Okay, so we’re gonna get to a little bit more, a little
bit more
[00:33:57] Dan: spicier ones. All right
[00:33:59] Jacqlin: Would you be willing to try anal sex with your partner? 32 percent said yes, and 52 percent said no. So
that one, that one, was our first no was more skewed forward, and then 16 percent said maybe.
[00:34:12] Dan: Gotcha.
[00:34:13] Jacqlin: Would you enjoy eating food off of your spouse? Like whipped cream, chocolate syrup.
Stuff like
that. Um, 58 percent said yes. 16 percent said no. 27 percent said maybe.
[00:34:26] Dan: I would expect that to be higher. Yes.
[00:34:29] Jacqlin: Yeah!
Yeah. 58%. But, I don’t know. I kind of view the maybes as more of a yes. I don’t know why, like, mentally I do that. So in my mind, I’m like, alright, that was pretty good.
Like, almost 80 percent that said they might be willing. Okay.
[00:34:46] Dan: It’s maybe depends on what the food is.
[00:34:49] Jacqlin: Yeah. Maybe, maybe they hate whipped cream.
[00:34:51] Dan: Uh, right.
[00:34:52] Jacqlin: Or, it depends. Okay. If your spouse was sick, but was still interested in sex, would you move forward? 52 percent said yes, 16 percent said no, and 32 percent said maybe.
[00:35:07] Dan: Huh? Yeah. Yeah.
[00:35:09] Jacqlin: I know this is, like, so random, and maybe this is, like, really personal, but for some reason, when my husband is sick, I’m like, I want it so much.
I don’t know why that’s, like, in my brain, because I know that he’s, like, totally not thinking about it at all.
Because he’s, like, doesn’t feel good and kind of wants to rest, and I can tell you, I have 100 percent success rate. doesn’t care that he’s sick!
[00:35:36] Dan: But that’s an easier space to move to because there’s no power struggle.
In that, right. It can totally hundred percent own your desire in that moment.
And it doesn’t mean anything like it has a very positive meaning, not no negative meanings. Good
[00:35:58] Jacqlin: So, but sometimes I’m like, how sick are you? How sick? How sick are you? Really? Let’s test this out. He’s never been too sick. So,
[00:36:10] Dan: for him. I’m glad
[00:36:11] Jacqlin: Yeah. Would you enjoy 69? 63 percent said
[00:36:16] Dan: not 69%.
[00:36:17] Jacqlin: Not 69! Wasn’t that so disappointing?
[00:36:20] Dan: I know 63 said, yes,
[00:36:25] Jacqlin: 63 said yes. I don’t know why that one, that one shocked me a little bit too.
I feel like
[00:36:30] Dan: be lower.
[00:36:31] Jacqlin: I expected that one to be a little bit lower. I don’t know why. Um, 15 percent said no and 22 percent said possibly. Would you enjoy being handcuffed or tied down? 44 percent said yes. 24 percent said no, and 31 percent said maybe.
[00:36:48] Dan: Huh, that’s interesting.
[00:36:50] Jacqlin: Yeah, that,
[00:36:51] Dan: the number to be a little different.
[00:36:53] Jacqlin: I, I agree.
Okay. would you enjoy being spanked by your spouse during sex?
[00:36:58] Dan: Uh huh.
[00:36:59] Jacqlin: this one was almost even across the board. 38 percent said yes.
35 percent said no. And 26 percent said maybe.
[00:37:08] Dan: Yeah, that is pretty even split. So
[00:37:12] Jacqlin: would you ever film you and your spouse having sex to watch together later?
35 percent said yes. 38 percent said no, so slightly more no, and then 28 percent said maybe,
[00:37:25] Dan: it’s like the spanking crowd overlaps with the filming crowd.
[00:37:30] Jacqlin: yes, yep. Would you enjoy creating a safe word to use in the bedroom for times you feel uncomfortable? 57 percent said yes,
[00:37:39] Dan: I expect that to be higher.
[00:37:41] Jacqlin: I, well, I, I’m a little bit just like, I I feel excited by that, just by the, the idea of like, okay, people are, I, Willing to try, like people are willing to try things in if they might feel uncomfortable, then they have a word to say,
[00:37:57] Dan: Uh huh.
[00:37:58] Jacqlin: yeah,
not for me.
[00:38:00] Dan: Yeah.
[00:38:02] Jacqlin: 14 percent said no and 29 percent said maybe. And that was it. Those are all of our questions.
[00:38:08] Dan: That’s excellent. Alright. So, inside the Intimately Us app, we have what’s called the Sexploration List. And it essentially is a compilation of many yes, no, maybe questions you and your spouse can ask each other. You can do it separately on your own phones, and it will be available. You know, compare your results.
So that’s a tool you can use. If you’re brave, you can Google yes, no, maybe lists for married couples and see what comes up. And this is a great way to start a conversation with your spouse, but it’s not about the lists. It’s not about the questions. I think the heart of the matter is variety is really important is what keeps the marriage vital. And, you need to stick your neck out once in a while and take a risk. And You need to learn how to tolerate disappointment and no’s in your relationship with grace because I think that’s what the measure of the marriage isn’t how things are going when everything is going well, it’s can you handle disappointments.
Jacqueline, I really appreciate the time you took to ask our Instagram audience about their preferences and things, and I’m sure there’s a lot of surprises like we discussed, but as we talk about the broader theme of variety in bedrooms and taking risks and learning to be more collaborative, do you have any last thoughts you want to share?
[00:39:24] Jacqlin: I think that it is really easy. If you’re the partner who tends to be more of a yes. To trying new things. I think it can be really easy to kind of blame the lack of variety on the partner who maybe wants to say more no’s or
has more hard no’s. but I think that there’s a lot of power that you have, even if you are the yes person to collaborate with your partner and create, a sexual space, an intimate space, a marriage that you both really love and are really excited about.
And so I think just really be open minded as you share. More and communicate more about what you’re willing to try, what you’re not willing to try. and for the spouses who maybe are more of a no, to just kind of let yourself be curious as to why it’s a no. I think curiosity can be a really great tool to get to know yourself better because sometimes it really is just like, well, I’ve just never tried it.
I’ve never thought about it. Or maybe there’s, a stigma. Right that you grew up with where you know for a really long time I I remember feeling like or thinking for some reason like oral sex is so bad I can’t believe people are doing this right, but then you start to experience it and you start Specifically, you know with your spouse right
like as you as you actually experience it together.
You’re like, what was so, why do I think this is so bad?
Like, like it’s, it’s, it, this can actually be really great. so I think sometimes being able to be curious with yourself, why it’s a no, can be really impactful and powerful for you. And if you are more of a yes person to really finding where your power is in the relationship to create more variety, even if your spouse maybe isn’t as willing, to try things being willing to still be a safe place for them to say no and realizing, like, you know, if you are that, that, safe spot, if you are willing to kind of feel and work through and take care of your disappointment without, you know, putting that on their shoulders, I think will create so many more yeses for you down the line and will feel much more empowering for you.
And your relationship than just feeling like oh, that’s that’s a you problem You’ve got to fix this and really making it just a collaborative effort between the two of you.
[00:41:37] Dan: Love it. So
good. So good. Thank you.
Great.
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