I am a big believer in play in the bedroom, and I’m excited that you’ll get to join me in this conversation with Adam and Karissa King today. Adam and Karissa have a fun Instagram account called Dear Young, Married Couple. And that’s how I first met them a few years ago.
And get this. They are both marriage counselors.
It’s a husband and wife team and they are an absolute hoot as you’ll get to hear today. I’m grateful we can talk about this topic today because I think all of us need a little boost of creativity and inspiration once in a while, especially when it comes to things in the bedroom, because we all need it to keep the passion alive.
News and Resources
Games mentioned in the episode: Sheets and Ladders, Sensation Card Deck
If you’re in an otherwise happy marriage, but struggle to see eye to eye when it comes to sexual intimacy, I highly recommend you check out our upcoming couples retreat for next March (prices go up in the new year).
Check out our Get Your Marriage On Program. These programs are effective at helping you and your spouse communicate better about these things in a relationship and really move the needle in the positive direction.
Our first annual “Get-it-on-athon” is in full swing! Learn more about how to support a worthy couple’s fertility journey as you come closer as a couple!
Are you struggling with how to explore your eroticism? Our new and improved Sexploration List can help! Rank your own preferences and desires in 13 different areas and explore and talk about those things together. You’ll discover where your desires intersect and maybe get some ideas you both like, but have never thought of!
Intimately Us app – for couples who want to spice up their marriage, get new ideas, and learn how to love each other better.
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Transcript
This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors or inaccuracies. For the most accurate and complete experience, we recommend listening to the full podcast episode.
#219: Playing with your 5 senses
[00:00:00]
Dan: I am a big believer in play in the bedroom, and I’m excited that you’ll get to join me in this conversation with Adam and Caressa king today, Adam and Carissa have a fun Instagram account called dear young, married couple. And that’s how I first met them a few years ago.
And get this. They are both marriage counselors.
It’s a husband and wife team and they are an absolute hoot as you’ll get to hear today. I’m grateful. We can talk about this topic today because I think all of us need a little boost of creativity and inspiration once in a while, especially when it comes to things in the bedroom, because we all need it to keep the passion alive.
Right. And this episode, we’ll talk about creative ideas to add some fun and spice to the bedroom. How bedroom games can add a sense of fun and excitement and practical strategies such as incorporating all your five senses into the sexual experience. In addition to what Adam and Carissa share. I hope you have downloaded and use the intimately us app.
It’s the perfect companion to add creativity and fun to your [00:01:00] bedroom adventures. As one five star reviewer said, it’s how to spice it up without the yuck. And I agree. Find it on the Google play store or the apple app store today. Now if you’re in an otherwise happy marriage, but struggle to see eye to eye when it comes to sexual intimacy, I highly recommend you check out our upcoming couples retreat for next March. Or check out our, get your marriage on program. These programs are effective at helping you and your spouse communicate better about these things in a relationship and really move the needle in the positive direction.
When it comes to intimacy. Details to both of these things are at our website. Get your marriage on.com.
Adam and Carissa, I’m so happy to have you on the Get Your Marriage On podcast today. How are you?
Adam: Man, I am fantastic. How are you?
Dan: Good. Good.
Karissa: We’re doing well. We’re, you just told us you’re going to ask us a fun question about the bedroom. So I think we’re, we’re all smiles right now.
Dan: All right. Yeah, exactly. [00:02:00] So I want to know what’s something fun you’ve done in the bedroom lately?
Adam: Okay. Well, for those of you who don’t know me, I’m, um, artistic. So, um, I love playing piano. And, um, of course, now that we podcast, I have all these wonderful gadgets and gizmos like, uh, amazing soft box lighting and a great camera that I’m, we’re shooting this with. So recently I was like, all right, babe, we’re going to do a photo shoot.
And I set it up and it was amazing. I had a backdrop and everything and surprised her with that. And I said, you know, walked, welcomed her into this like experience and, uh, let my creative genius loose.
Dan: Great. Very good. That sounds glamorous.
That’s
Karissa: fun for sure. That was so fun. We’ve been a connoisseur of games in the bedroom since we got married. Even though our marriage had gone through some ups and downs and, I think games have been part of our, our bedroom since the beginning. [00:03:00] And, uh, and that’s part of the reason why, you know, we gained a passion for what we do is we found that there’s a lot lacking in the world of bedroom games.
Um, but one thing that was newer for us recently is we got one of those boxes. Um, that’s like a surprise bedroom box. You don’t know what’s going to be in it. And I pulled that out for Adam. A couple of weeks ago and it was really fun just to explore. Like we don’t know what we’re going to get. So it was fun.
Dan (3): That’s so good. Emily and I, my wife and I, we subscribe to a few of
those bedroom boxes too, and we love them. They’re great.
They’re fun.
Adam: little surprise element. Yes. Fun.
Dan (3): yes. Yeah, you kind of know it’s gonna be there, but you really don’t know how it’s gonna play out until you actually open it and like do it. So
it’s like, yeah, this is
Karissa: Another fun one that’s not recent, but was from a couple of years ago was your sheets and ladders game.
Dan (3): That’s right.
Yeah,
Adam: we did that. That was really great. Good memories.[00:04:00]
Dan (3): So good. Yeah.
Great. What keeps couples from having fun in the bedroom?
Adam: well, I think there are many things I think that get in, in, in the way. And, um, just to use some, uh, I guess, research language, I’m sure your audience probably is aware of, brakes and accelerators,
Dan (3): Uh
Adam: um, Emily Nagoski’s work, and,
Dan (3): Sexual inhibitors and, um,
Adam: Yes. Exciters. Yes. And I think just a easy way of breaking that down is, is there are breaks I think, or barriers to people getting into that fun, playful mode.
And I think that could come in like three ways. first could be mindset. So people have shame or guilt, um, they’re, they have fear internally, uh, about maybe failure, performance, anxiety, You know, those things can get in the way. Then you [00:05:00] have connection. how safe is that connection for someone I think is a probably a big one.
Karissa: Yeah for sure If you’re if you’re not feeling safe with your spouse and that doesn’t mean just physical safety most of the time. It’s emotional safety But if you’re not feeling like you could trust them Or you don’t trust the communication For that day, or there are unspoken desires, or just feeling generally disconnected from your spouse, then, the connection can be a barrier.
Uh, and then the third barrier, category, if you will, is context. And so if there’s stress from just life or parenting, uh, or maybe there’s like, cultural or societal messages about sex. And so, you know, in general. faith based circles. A lot of times there’s shame around sex or sex is bad. That would be a context barrier.
Um, or the lack of tools or just lack of inspiration for play, um, I think is a big one when that’s just not part of your world. That’s another context [00:06:00] barrier.
Dan: Yeah, it definitely can be. And I like that mindset connection and context
are three things that off the top interfere with having fun in the
Dan (3): bedroom. But don’t you think couples just approach sex? In, you know, in light of those three things they just take it too seriously.
Adam: Oh yes. For sure. Well, okay. So let’s, cause this, this is a really fabulous question and actually we’ve had to work on this. Oh yeah. This is not something that Adam and Chris are just like, yeah, we’re, we’re pros at this and let us teach all of you people who are, you know, don’t know cause we’ve never worked on it ourselves.
You know what? This is just natural. Like this is something that we have really had to work on because I think we err on the side of, um, like. Being serious and we’re very vulnerable with each other,
Karissa: but
Adam: play is not very natural for us
Karissa: Yeah,
we’ve had to intentionally which is why games have been a part of our sex life since the beginning We’ve been married almost [00:07:00] 17 years, but play is not something that’s natural for us So we’ve had to be very intentional about it So this is a concept actually, you know The term Eros is, is a Greek word for love,
and um, there are six different Greek words for love, but four Greek concepts for love in scripture.
Eros is one of those, and Eros is that erotic form of love. Passionate and sensual love, um, that we see throughout song of Solomon. Well, Eros, really has two sides to it. Uh, and we can go back to the garden of Eden, you know, it’s, it’s the vulnerability when they were naked, but it’s also the playfulness.
And that’s when they were unashamed, they were naked and unashamed. They were able to roam the garden and eat about all the fruits that they wanted to, except for the one, you know, there was just this, um, this playfulness about them. And so the [00:08:00] vulnerability, we
Adam: would assume, right? Created in perfection and put in perfection with someone of the opposite sex that’s beautiful.
I would assume they’d be playing and having a great time.
Karissa: Right? Yeah. So, so this vulnerability and playfulness, these are two components of Eros and, Some couples are really good at the playfulness side of things. That comes more naturally to them. Just the laughing, you know, the, the, um, excitement, the jokes and, um, the just, there’s no stakes.
but they lack vulnerability. They have walls up when it comes to being serious, or they laugh around in order to not have to get serious. And then other couples are more, focused on the vulnerability piece and less on the playfulness piece. That’s us. We, we are more natural at the vulnerability and, um, and not as natural at the playfulness.
And so, I think depending on the couple, they might need to work on one part of this. It’s more than the other. And so when you said like, are some couples just taking sex too [00:09:00] seriously? There are times when sex can be very serious and
Adam: it is good because you can have a very erotic experience all being serious and you know, make it very meaningful that that is a beautiful side of sex.
but of course the question is maybe how do we go from, if that’s all we know, how do we now? Allow fun and lightheartedness in.
Dan (3): Yeah. Yeah. I’m thinking about taking it too seriously. Could look like you’re worried about performance. You’re worried about what will my, how will my spouse respond? If I initiate
you, there’s a lot of anxiety. There’s a lot of inherent anxiety in sex period. Let’s just be honest. You’re naked in front of someone else. There’s it’s heightened anxiety, right? But we sometimes let that overtake, I think, the fun.
And just letting your hair down and just being[00:10:00]
yourself with your spouse. And for some people that’s really difficult. And it doesn’t come naturally, like what you said. It’s something you work towards.
You work on it.
And, uh, play is a great way to introduce that.
Adam: Yeah. We didn’t have a lot of, coaching in this area. You know, we’ve been married for 16 years, almost 17 now.
And you know, we had a very, minimal coaching from parents or mentors around sex. It was kind of like, you know, we got married young and figured out dude, you know,
and, and that came, I mean, of course I liked sex, but I didn’t know how to talk about it.
I didn’t know how to ask for what I needed or wanted. And so I think for what you’re saying, like, I don’t know how to initiate, um, When I’m looking back at me, that was the result of, really not having deep conversations, you know, curated conversations, not like, you know, sometimes the bedroom is not the correct place to like ask, you know, well, then [00:11:00] how do you want it?
You know, cause then we’re all defensive and you know, she turned me down. So I take it all personal and stuff. But having conversations on a road trip or as you’re going on a hike about, Hey, like, how would you like me to initiate? So I think sometimes that’s the result of simply not being curious and not being willing to ask those questions to start to get a roadmap or a recipe for your spouse.
And I think when you have that, you can have a little bit less anxiety going there.
Dan (3): Yeah, that’s good. Good, good. All right. you said something, Carissa, about lowering the stakes. I think we need to double click on that. Zoom in a little more. That, that’s interesting to me. So, and this is piggybacking on what Adam said too. Like, how do we approach sex? When the stakes are so high, by the way, okay, a little bit TMI, perhaps there was a season in our marriage where I really [00:12:00] focused on my wife.
I was very performative, very performance oriented in sex. And
I, I needed my wife to have an orgasm in order for me to feel good about my performance in the sexual experience so much so that that was kind of a driving force. And, the stakes were so high for me. I’ve put so much on myself and it no longer made sex fun.
It was, it was like, we have like a task to accomplish and I’ve heard so many other couples, it might be a different flavor of it. Like, uh, those struggling with infertility when you’re on a strict schedule, uh, it stakes are high. Now we need to have sex in order to conceive or when we don’t, When we have sex and we don’t conceive, it kind of, feels like you’re broken and brings up these reminders of how we’re not working on towards what we want to do.
The
stakes are high, or it could be a number of other flavors like this. How can couples, lower the stakes
so [00:13:00] that they can actually enjoy sex more? What are your ideas?
Karissa: Yeah, I think it really goes back to what Adam was just saying and that is, curiosity is crucial regardless of what the, the stakes are. You know, you mentioned a few different contexts like infertility or focusing on her orgasm, whatever the stakes are. If you can get curious, then you really lower the stakes.
So I mean, for instance, let’s talk about this. Okay. Take it out of a sexual context. When kids are playing, what are the characteristics of play? When you see a kid playing, what do you see?
Dan (3): Yeah, yeah. Like playing cops and robbers or whatever, right? They’re, they’re in a playful context. Um,
Karissa: do we know
Dan (3): on different roles.
Karissa: Uh huh.
Dan (3): Um, they are, they’re curious, right? They’re open. And, they’re, they’re being really creative
Dan: Mm hmm.
Dan (3): and I’m thinking about my daughter and this past Thanksgiving [00:14:00] holiday and how she played with her cousins and yeah, it’s, there’s a lot of this, um, it’s role play is the best word I can
Karissa: Totally.
Dan (3): taking on different things,
different meanings and and then playing in them.
Karissa: Yep. Yep. And there’s no intended outcome.
Adam: There’s no end.
Karissa: Yeah. They’re just playing. They don’t know
how it’s going to end. And
so they’re like thinking of our, our daughter with her cousins, you know, during Thanksgiving they’re outside. They don’t care that it’s really cold. Um, sometimes they’re barefoot and we have to tell them to put on socks and put your shoes back on.
getting messy and dirty and it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. so there’s a lot of disregard for outcome.
Adam: Yeah.
Karissa: And for impact, they don’t care. They’re just having fun.
Adam: And in our adult ness, I think we focus so much on outcome of this is what it needs to look like, or we have to get here or else,
Dan (3): yes, uh
Adam: if if it, If If that doesn’t happen, [00:15:00] I’m not successful as a man or I’m not, you know, it’s funny when you’re saying this about kids. I remember like funny thing. I loved Legos growing up. I spent so much time building the thing.
But the funny thing is, is I didn’t really play with the thing I built.
Dan (3): The fun was in the making
of it, not the finished product, right?
Uh
Adam: I think that that’s exactly what we’re pointing to here is that the way is not the orgasm. What makes
the beautiful orgasm is the process getting there. That’s, that’s the, the buildup, the fun, the intrigue, the flirting, all the things that’s just the, maybe, I don’t know the capstone if you want to say, but like, it’s wonderful.
I mean, but. It’s, it’s the process, the, the, the night in and of itself is what we’re going for. Not you know, that five second moment.
Dan (3): right,
Karissa: And the curiosity is something that [00:16:00] quickly dissipates from early childhood until adulthood. There’s research that says that four year olds ask an average of 400 questions per day
Dan (3): uh huh.
Karissa: while middle schoolers ask an average of two questions per day.
Dan (3): Really? That’s really
Karissa: So from four to 12, I know, right? That’s good. You’re, you’re promoting curiosity still, but what happens over time that causes us to stop exploring?
Dan (3): It’s beat it out of us, perhaps. I don’t know. I don’t know what the answer
Karissa: Yeah, I don’t, I don’t know either. I don’t think we
encourage it. I think we expect people to just have more answers.
Adam: I think too, like our, our educational system of like, Hey, this is how you get an a, there’s now an objective,
you know, standard of excellence. Yes. I think we kind of drag that stuff
back
Dan (3): into sex.
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, What’s adaptive and helpful in one context is [00:17:00] maladaptive in another
context. We need to watch for that.
Another thing someone explained to me once is a child, their brain is really designed for curiosity. I mean, all brains are,
period. But a child uses it for creativity and play. Adults use it for worry. That’s, it’s the same mechanism in
our brain, but It’s about, like, outcomes, what’s going to happen.
And it’s about just re channeling that creative aspect of our brain. Less worry, more play.
Karissa: Oh, I love that. That’s a good reframe. I love that.
Adam: Less worry and more play. Then how do we do that?
Karissa: Yeah.
Dan (3): Great. I think I should ask you that because you’re in my podcast, guys. So Adam and Carissa, the experts.
Karissa: Yeah.
Dan (3): Well, let me give you a scenario.
Karissa: all right, let’s do
Dan (3): if I paint, put it in a scenario, then we can put more flesh to it.
So it’s not so abstract. So, let’s suppose, This is a marriage, a husband and a wife, they’re good friends, they get along in every other aspect of life, but when it comes to sex and intimacy, it’s been kind of a very superficial [00:18:00] relationship for that. And it’s 8 o’clock at night, the kids are in bed, and they’re coming to bed together. And she’s. maybe on her phone or reading on her Kindle or something like a book kind of facing away from him and he’s wanting to have fun in the bedroom. And so he. Makes a very subtle, gentle ask. Hey, do you want to, you know, do something? And she might respond, ah, nah, no, thanks. I’m fine. Or not that interested right now. And so he lays down next to her, but facing away from her. It’s like, well, she’s going to be on her phone. I’m going to be on mine too. And might. You know, pull up a movie or something. And inside he just feels this like sense of loss, this disconnect.
Like I really want a closer relationship and I tried, but it didn’t go anywhere.
[00:19:00] So let’s, let’s suppose you’re a couple kind of like that. And you’re listening to this podcast. We’re talking about how to have more fun in the bedroom. Which we’re going to give you some practical tips by the end, I hope, right?
Like some ideas on that, but in the middle of this, it’s like, Oh, these ideas sounds so fun. Of course, I’d like to do X, Y, and Z. This sounds adventurous. This sounds more fun. I, it doesn’t, it seems less bland than what I currently do. Um, I want something more alive in our relationship. What’s, what’s the right move.
What’s the internal battle that needs to be won before the external battle is won in this context.
Karissa: It’s a good way to ask it. You want to take that? Sure.
Adam: There’s so many different ways we can go with this.
Karissa: Well, one, one approach, um, I’m, I’m just thinking about, the research around the emotional floor plan. Jack Panskepp is, he’s the father of effective neuroscience and, a lot of people have come up with their own model based on Panskepp’s work, but, the idea, and I won’t go through all of the rooms, but the [00:20:00] idea is that you have a floor plan in your brain when it comes to anything emotional.
And one of the rooms in that floor plan is whatever room you want to call it. Your sexy room. We call it the Eros room. But there are only certain rooms that are connected to that Eros room. And, if you are in the worry room. If you’re in the anxiety room, you’re probably a few flights away, floors or rooms away from the Eros room, the sexy room.
And so, um, trying to A, get curious about your spouse’s emotional floor plan, understanding your own emotional floor plan, what’s in between, what are the corridors, the hallways that get you from the worry or anxiety basement. into that sexy room.
and so you, you can’t just jump from one to the other.
And so if you know this about your spouse, if you know what, what their floor plan is like, and you’ve had these conversations, on a road trip or on a hike or on a date, [00:21:00] um, when you’re not in the, in the, Initiation mode, then you can better, um, initiate, you can go, Hey, I know you’re not feeling like jumping right in bed right now, or I know you’re not feeling like getting it on, but, what are some things that, um, we can do to connect tonight that would just help us be better?
Put us in that frame and guarantee you that the play room is much closer to that sexy room than the worry room is. So if the goal is not, let’s have sex, let’s have an orgasm. But if the goal is, let’s get to the play room, you know, are we close to the play room? What, what gets us from worry to play?
Dan (3): Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Adam: even say. Just because I worked with so many couples around this, first approaching the, the approach is so critical to the conversation. John Gottman showed this a long time ago that the first three minutes of that argument, determine, the outcome. So
Dan (3): With 95 percent accuracy, I
Dan: you
Adam: go.
Dan (3): conversation you can [00:22:00] predict if a couple is going to end, if that marriage is going to end in a divorce or
adam-and-karissa-king_1_12-03-2024_095648: That’s
Adam: absolutely. So first of all, how you bring this up and how you present this, you’re not going to criticize or, Blame someone into this. It’s, it’s just not going to happen because you want them to be an active participant, not a force participant. So asking those questions of, Hey, like, first of all, can we have a conversation just about our fun in the bedroom and open that conversation?
I would advise people even outside, not in the bedroom, not as a reaction to your frustration or your sadness
around this. And then, like Krista was saying, getting curious of like, hey, if it’s went well in the past, what was the context surrounding it? for instance, you said in this circumstance, they have kids.
So there is very stellar research around that. Couples that, have kids, their satisfaction, a large percentage of them, their satisfaction around their sexual [00:23:00] life goes drastically down.
That’s just a fact. So because we’re having to navigate around now, not just our own desires, but then the kids and they tend to suck a lot of life out of us.
Dan (3): hmm. Mm
Adam: And so now we’re coming to bed and, and she might be touched out. She might have, you know, been. Wiping bottoms all day and you know, she’s just maybe done. And depending on his activity in that there could be frustrations around that. So I guess, unpacking this. Getting curious of like, Hey, what’s happening in this scenario?
Is she frustrated at him that he hasn’t helped more? Let’s say they are a great partnership. I would still say, Hmm, you know, it’s really interesting. Is she an introvert? Is she trying to recharge to come back to him? Like what is, what have the patterns been in their past? So as Chris was saying, it was their room that they normally [00:24:00] had a good time in a connection, a genuine connection in.
That we can use as a reference for maybe building in this. This new stage of life. This is new. This is different. Let’s honor it for the difficulty it presents and then start to create a new floor plan for ourselves. Maybe not a new emotional because that’s kind of what you’re stuck with a lot of times, but understanding and planned of how we’re going to get from here into this more enjoyable space and what it takes to do that.
For her to feel that or desire that
Karissa: and and I can just give maybe an example like for us There’s this office that exists between the worry room And the playroom
Adam: talk about it sister
Karissa: and this office We have to go by and put some things on the desk before we get into play and so for me that looks like like if I was the person on my kindle, it would look like him saying I’m Babe, what was, what went well today for you?
Um, what were some challenges for you today? What didn’t go [00:25:00] so well? And me just being able to put all those things on the desk, drop them off before. And maybe he’s saying, can I give you a massage while we talk about our day? And he’s just giving me a back massage and, and we’re just talking about, yeah, this was really frustrating when Adeline did this or forested that, or man, the teacher said this today, you know, just going, going down the list of, of what happened in the day and what was hard.
Well, And what I appreciated about him that gets us out of worry and into the office and then perhaps into play, especially if he’s giving me a massage at the same time.
Adam: So full disclosure, we’re right now we have a group of people that we’re taking them through and we have this challenge going on that’s called grateful glow and grow.
And it’s just a little thing that we created here,
but it’s just like, Hey, what are you grateful for? How have you noticed them growing in any aspect of their life? Just, you know, noticing I’m seeing you work in the, that was really good. and then how did, how are they glowing? At what point did you [00:26:00] notice them?
Um, and it’s just really interesting to see the moments that lit up for her as opposed to, to me. So that’s just a little way of, that you can do these little challenges. start to see each other in a new way and create some gratitude. And maybe gratitude is a hallway into that
playroom.
Dan (3): Yeah, absolutely. Great. Another adjacent room can be care,
Karissa: Yes, exactly.
Dan (3): and this is next door to the playroom, but sometimes just genuinely caring for the other person as a whole person. Not about what sex am I going to get from
you or not going to get from you. It’s not about that. It’s about I chose you. I choose you.
I still choose
you. I choose all of you. The good.
and the bad, and I care about you. That’s, that’s what it is. That’s critical too. And then there’s also the curiosity room, which is right next to that too, right? Like,
Adam: I, could I just talk about the care? Okay.
This, this is a [00:27:00] really good, point to be made here. So for example, maybe hopefully not TMI here, but, Last night, Carissa had a headache and
Karissa: which I don’t get often, by the way. It’s not one of those excuses. I don’t want to have sex. I
Adam: didn’t feel that.
I was like,
Dan (3): Uhhuh,
Adam: you’ve had a headache for a month and a half. No, not a lot like that. Um, which is, yeah. And, and, um, Monday nights are our like, we call it adult time. I wrote actually sex, sexy time on our calendar. And Chris is like, babe, there’s a lot of other people who see our calendar.
Dan (3): Let them see it.
Adam: So we have adult time, like
Dan (3): Uhhuh
Adam: it’s just, our life is really scheduled out.
But, um, last night she had a, um, a headache and we just did a bath and we’re just together and talking and stuff. And, and.
Karissa: Epsom salts for magnesium for my headache.
Adam: Yeah. And just trying
to care for her. But this has not always been the case, especially for me, because I’m physic, like [00:28:00] I show love by touching a lot of times, you know,
um, Um, but a lot of times that was also connected to like me wanting sex.
So what we
call this is demand touching. so going back to your scenario, okay, he looks over, he, you know, want something, she’s not into it. I didn’t hear about him touching her or trying to, you know, connect physically or emotionally before he, Invited her into this space.
So for a lot of couples though, touching is a, is a big turnoff because oh, we’re in the room and now fin finally for the first time in the day, he’s touching me. Like, oh, he wants
something. Mm-Hmm. .
Dan (3): But we also need to pay attention to. Like, we use words to communicate, but touch is also a very powerful, powerful way we communicate
without words. And you can just tell by the way a person touches, like, is this about because they really [00:29:00] care about me and cherish me? Or is this a demand touch? No words are ever
spoken.
And it’s not about timing. It’s not because I haven’t touched you during the day and now I’m touching you at night. It’s nothing, it’s nothing to do with that, really. There’s a communication in
Karissa: That’s true. Yep. Yeah.
Dan (3): it’s, it’s from the heart. It’s like a manifestation. What’s in your heart in that moment
will manifest in the way you touch each
other and hold each other.
Adam: Yeah. And we are so tuned. To reading what, what it is that’s being done,
you know, we really are so yeah, for those people like trying, yeah, maybe there should be some touching and just holding,
Karissa: caring,
Adam: caring. Yeah. Opening
Dan (3): The right kind of touch.
Dan: Yeah.
Adam: Yeah. And
Dan (3): hmm.
Adam: goes back to that conversation that needs to be had of like, Hey, how would you like me to initiate?
Like, what touch feels best to You
You know? Is he just going right to grabbing her boob or like, [00:30:00] what sort of touch is this?
And I think that that’s needed, those kind of conversations of how they’re interpreted. Not just the intention, but also the interpretation, the story she’s telling herself when he does want something or touching her.
Dan (3): Yeah. Good.
All right, Adam and Carissa, you’ve worked hard on creativity. You’re putting your creative juices together and making something more fun in the bedroom. Let’s hear about your new product you’ve created, but also give our listeners specific ideas of what they can do, maybe this weekend or the next week, of some fun things they can do in the bedroom together.
And I’ll add some of my ideas too.
Karissa: Nice. Yeah. Okay. well just rewinding back, um, when we first started Dear Young Married Couple, we, were very, tools oriented and so, and we still are, but we, wanted to create tools for couples to have more effective communication, in general and about their sex life. And [00:31:00] so we created card decks that helped them ask the right questions, the questions they don’t think to ask.
And, um, We got a lot of good feedback on those people still buy them to this day. Um, but one of the pieces of feedback we got on those was like, Hey, this is really vanilla. We thought this was going to like spice things up in the bedroom. And, that wasn’t the intent of those card decks. It was to help them to communicate more effectively and work on that vulnerability piece.
Um, but we said, we do need something to help with the playfulness side of things that Is it intended to spice things up in the bedroom? And, a lot of the work we do in sex therapy has to do with the five senses. And, anytime would do a bridal shower gift or bachelorette gift, I would try to incorporate the five senses and be like, Oh, here’s your five. five senses toolkit for the bedroom. So that was kind of the idea behind incorporating the five senses into a spice up your bedroom, card deck.
Adam: Well, we realized that a lot [00:32:00] of people were lacking senses.
They didn’t. They didn’t take care of what they’re, you know, going to build. And some people just are not gifted with a lot of creativity on demand.
Dan (3): hmm.
Adam: or, you know, after a long day, like you, the example at eight o’clock, after the kids are down, they’re not feeling tons of energetic, you
Dan: know,
Adam: To create things.
So we want to kind of credit this with those couples in mind of like, Hey, you have a life, you want to have fun, you want to, be hanging from the chandeliers, but you have no energy to do that. So like, how, how do we like kind of meet in the middle here and do something different and creative and out of your box.
so that you guys can create something. And okay. Okay. Another guy like side note to their, you know, the internet’s filled with like tips and tricks and do this and do that. Okay. That’s a lot of energy to go scrolling and try to find something that meets my values.
Karissa: Yeah. And sift through all the junk out there that [00:33:00] encourages you to pull in pornography or a third party or something
Adam: weird.
Yeah. So, What we went back to are some of the tools that we’ve applied to help change radically change people’s sex life And we started asking ourselves. Well, how do we do that? Like how do we get people to enter into that erotic space? without You know without all the work necessary sometimes to get there And so we thought of what if we went from the viewpoint of senses because you know god has given these five senses And oftentimes we’re only going off of like one or two in the bedroom.
And maybe we’ll like, you know, bring in the whipped cream or chocolate later. We’ll play some, you know, saxophone music. Okay. Most people probably turn on some music, but like, how, how do we incorporate all the senses and create different experiences? Um, From those, because that, that is how we experience the world and get to, sensuality.
Karissa: So yeah, [00:34:00] sensations is what we came up with. It’s a bedroom game for couples. Here is the card deck here for those that are watching. It’s full of adventure and it just challenges you to use your five senses in playful ways that maybe you’ve never thought of before. And so the cards are color coded.
And they have a symbol on them that tell you if it’s a touch card, a see card, smell, hear, or taste. And there’s three ways to play. And so you can plan ahead and one person creates this experience by choosing one card from each of the five senses. And then they can surprise their spouse. they can order some of the suggested items on the card, but that’s not a necessary component.
They can do a double blind, which is the second way, um, where it’s a mystery and they just blindly draw, uh, a card from the deck. They could
Draw all five senses, um, or just a few because each card that has a suggested purchase item also has an alternative where they don’t have to purchase anything. It’s just something they have on hand.
[00:35:00] and then the third way to play is called rapid fire. And so rapid fire is if you’re short on time, you can just use just one or a few of the cards marked with the rapid fire symbol and, uh, it speeds things up a bit and it guarantees that there’s no prep required.
Dan (3): Uh huh. How
fun. Great. Okay. We got to read through some of
Karissa: Okay.
Adam: Go ahead.
Karissa: All right. So should we just draw randomly?
Okay. So, and there’s also bonus cards that, so there’s five senses and bonus cards. You go for it, babe. Now let you draw. All right. Adam drew us a here card.
Adam: Okay. So this is here intentionally use audibles while making love, like, Ooh, ah, yes, baby. Oh, baby. And then you can do whatever you want. Ask your spouse.
Dan (3): you demonstrate that for us, please?
Adam: I think everybody would shut this off right now and be like,
Dan (3): Just kidding.
Adam: Oh, ask your
spouse what sounds you make that are sexiest to them. [00:36:00] So What we found is really fun is that, cause everybody’s come across this, right? Every, probably a lot of people’s heard, like, let’s change up how we sound louder, softer, you know, we’ve, we’ve talked about that, but mixing up.
The senses and the card choices is really interesting because you get different combinations So it really changes the whole experience because we’re putting things together that normally don’t go together,
Karissa: right?
Adam: That’s what’s interesting
Karissa: and that one’s marked with a rapid fire symbol. So they
can but that one doesn’t require any prep Okay You wanna pick one from another set?
No, you pick one. Okay, okay, okay. Uh, let’s see, I’ll pick one from the Touch. Okay, this one’s called Stimulating Objects. Use two stimulating objects, it can be a flower, feather, or toy, on two different sensitive areas of your spouse’s body at the same time, and let them [00:37:00] instruct you on the speed and rhythm.
Dan (3): Ooh, fun.
Great.
Adam: So,
Dan (3): Good. Good.
Adam: so, what you were talking about too. you said a little bit ago, we were talking about touch. We also encourage couples and there’s one in here, like, but we encourage couples to touch their spouse for them, but also touch for yourself.
Dan (3): Mm
Adam: And it’s a very interesting to see couples work, try to work through that in their mind.
We give couples like the idea of, you know, have you ever, you know, your kids running past you’re like, oh, I love you so much and you give them a hug They’re like
Dan: stop. Let me go
Adam: and
they’re trying to run out. Like did you grab them? For you or or did you grab them for them?
Dan (3): Uh
Adam: everybody would say like they’re trying to get out the door. You weren’t grabbing them for them You’re grabbing them for you because you
love them and you wanted to feel that closeness and that love And so this is fun because it gives you these Options to touch for you, but also touch for them.
And some people get stuck in one of [00:38:00] those modes,
but there’s ways of, of experiencing touch in two ways.
Dan: Okay.
Adam: Okay. One more.
So
Karissa: let’s see, you got touch in here. So pull a taste or smell or
Dan (3): Sight.
Karissa: Yeah.
Adam: Okay. Freedom pose. Lift your hands over your head while on the bottom.
This creates a different visual for the person on top and brings freedom to the person on the bottom. You can even try the freedom pose while standing above your spouse. So there you go. And that’s challenging.
Dan (3): really hot, by the way. Yeah.
Adam: From one guy to another. Yeah. Um, Seriously, like a lot of people hug themselves or close up clam up when sex, because they don’t feel comfortable with the body.
They don’t like the way their body interacts when they’re having sex. And so this is just challenging them. Like, Hey, have that conversation. This [00:39:00] might bring some fun and, and, um, change up how it all looks and how it feels. So
there you go. There’s some fun.
Dan (3): That also works during kissing.
Like, kind of close up during kissing. Or can you open up? Like, That’s so good. I love it! Great,
great. Alright. Couples need to have more fun in the bedroom.
We do.
Yeah. We need to just have fun, not make it so serious. We’re going out after a goal. That’s not the point.
It’s can we play together? Kinda like that childish play. I
like what we talked about with the different rooms too, and understanding that rooms connected to other rooms. We wanna get to the Eros room or Eros room as you pronounced it, but it’s. There’s rooms in between that we need to focus on. It’s the
adjacent rooms is how you get there.
And that can be done through play, play, play, play. Let’s make the bedroom a place of play.
[00:40:00] Let’s, uh,
Adam: Amen. There you go. Go do it. Go have fun. Amen.
Dan (3): All right. Very good. Where can people go to find more, learn more about you and get your sensations deck?
Karissa: Yeah, they can go to DearYoungMarriedCouple. com and, they can click on the card decks link. It’ll take them to all of our card decks, including sensations. They’re available on Amazon and, if they want to check out the podcast, they can search for Dear Young Married Couple and listen to the podcast and we’re also on social.
Dan (3): Very good. Thank you.
Adam: Absolutely. Thank you.
Dan: If you want a more meaningful sexual and intimate connection in your marriage, I invite you to check out my, get your marriage on program.
Over a hundred couples have said this program packs tremendous value and has helped their intimacy grow to the next level. Now go get your marriage on. [00:41:00]
