I studied martial arts for 13 years when I was younger and I became proficient in three different styles of Karate and Kenpo. As you progress towards being a black belt, the fundamentals don’t change, but your ability to be more precise and skilled in using those fundamentals improves dramatically.
Like in my martial arts training to being a better lover, the fundamentals such as communication, touch and being present with arousal, and so on don’t change. But your ability to use those fundamentals to be better at sex hat’s deeply connecting as well as giving and receiving pleasure to strengthen your marriage. All those improve. As you become more quote unquote black belt at at sex.
I occasionally ask my podcast guests for their black belt sex tips. And it’s been over a year since I’ve done a Roundup of the best black belt sex tips offered by my guests on this podcast. So today, I’ve compiled the best into this episode.
If you like what you’ve heard from these guests and want to go back for more, here are the links to the full episodes:
Sofia Ashley – #212: Create A Party Your Libido Wants To Come To)
Catherine Roebuck – #214: When Wives Have The Higher Sexual Desire
Josie McEwen – #167: Successful Vacation Sex & Romantic Getaways, According to a Romance Consultant
Jessa Zimmerman – #217: Eroticism: What Does Your Sexuality Want?
Adam and Karissa King – #219: How Playing With Your 5 Senses Opens the Door to More Erotic Connection
Dan Purcell & Rhonda Farr – #209: Stop Trying to Change Your Marriage. Let Your Marriage Change You Instead.
Ally Bullock – #203: Why Honesty, Risk, and some Fair Play Lead To Great Connection with Alyson Bullock
Tammy Camp – #151: How a “Good Girl” and Her Husband Bravely Chose a Better Sex Life: A Sextimony
Francie Winslow – #178: Why Christians Should Be Having the Best Sex
Tilly Storm – #210: The G-Spot Guide: How to Stimulate, Explore, and Enjoy Together!
Heather Flake – #158: The #1 Limiting Factor in Your Sex Life, According to a Marriage Expert
Tammy Hill – #179: Having An Orgasm vs Living Orgasmically: What’s the difference?
Dr. Julie Slattery – #181: 4 Pillars to Take Intimacy From Sub-optimal to First-Rate, Both In and Out of the Bedroom
Glenn & Phyllis Hill – #183: The Anatomy of Emotional Intimacy & Connection Codes and #184: Anatomy of a Sex Date
Laurie Watson – #149: Afraid Your Husband Will Reject or Ignore You AGAIN tonight?
Alex & Kadi Dutton – #130: Lingerie? YES PLEASE! with Alex and Kadi of EveryLove Intimates
Mark Goldberg – #193: The Fast and Furious: Over-Coming Premature Ejaculation
Sierra Beltran – #170: Behold Your Beautiful Body Through the Lens of Boudoir Photography!
Ariel Finlinson – #164: Creating Space for Moms (and Dads) to Feel Like They Are in Control Again
Tammy Hill – #201: The Art of Cherishing Your Spouse, Part 2
Danielle Savory – #201: The Art of Cherishing Your Spouse, Part 2
Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife – #200: The Art of Cherishing Your Spouse, Part 1
Katheleen Smith – #195: Are You a “Sexual Over-functioner?”
Bonnie Young – #168: How Your Marital Power Dynamics Are Affecting Your Sexual Relationship
Resources
If you’re in an otherwise happy marriage, but struggle to see eye to eye when it comes to sexual intimacy, I highly recommend you check out our upcoming couples retreat for next March (hurry–prices go up in the new year!).
Check out our Get Your Marriage On Program. These programs are effective at helping you and your spouse communicate better about these things in a relationship and really move the needle in the positive direction.
Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.
Transcript
This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors or inaccuracies. For the most accurate and complete experience, we recommend listening to the full podcast episode.
Intro
Dan (2): Thank you for tuning in today. I hope you and your family have had a wonderful Christmas and you’re looking forward to a happy new year for 2025.
I studied martial arts for 13 years when I was younger and I became proficient in three different styles of karate. And Kenpo. As you progress towards being a black belt, the fundamentals don’t change, but your ability to be more precise and skilled in using those fundamentals improves dramatically.
I like in my martial arts training to being a better lover, the fundamentals such as communication, touch and being present with arousal.
And so on those things don’t change. But your ability to use those fundamentals to be better at sex. That’s deeply connecting as well as giving and receiving pleasure to strengthen your marriage. All those improve. As you become more quote unquote black belt at at sex.
I occasionally ask my podcast guests for their black belt sex tips. And it’s been over a year since I’ve done a Roundup of the [00:01:00] best black belt sex tips offered by my guests on this podcast. So today. I’ve compiled the best into this episode.
I hope your 2025 is your best year yet for your marriage. I hope your intimate connection, radiance as a couple and shared pleasure becomes more meaningful. I hope you cherish your spouse deeply and commit to being the very best version of yourself in your marriage.
This new year. If your circumstances allow, I want to invite you to join us in March at our upcoming marriage retreat. This is a fantastic opportunity to grow deeper together as a couple, and to practice some more black belt moves for communication, for intimacy, for closeness, and of course, for sexual pleasure in your own relationship.
You’ll find all of the details about the retreat. Get your marriage on.com and click on a couples retreat.
My first black belt sex tip today comes from Sophia, Ashley. She talks about including energy work and her sexual play. And this is what she has to say.
Sofia Ashley
Sofia Ashley: For me, the next step is [00:02:00] really about adding some energy work to your practice and deepening that connection to so you can get. To those juicier, more spiritual, just even deeper levels of like connection.
Cause you, you need that baseline to get to that place. And that’s where we add energy work, breath work, and tantra work to kind of the practice.
dan_1_08-23-2024_141130: What’s energy work.
sofia-ashley-_1_08-23-2024_131130: that’s the fun place you can go. Uh, well, I mean, Tantra work is, what’s Tantra? So I’ve learned a Tibetan lineage of Tantra, and I think people get all funky about Tantra sometimes.
Tantra literally just means blending light and sound with form. And so, Tantra work is the way I got explained. So sutra would be like physical work that we do. So it’d be like the physical moves that you do on your partner. If you’re talking about like penis massage or vagina vulva massage, the actual like massage techniques or touch techniques are the sutras. And we do tantra when we [00:03:00] add the physical work with the energy work of Tantra. And that just means we’re visualizing a color and chanting a sound and visualizing a shape of a certain elemental energy or healing energy that we work with. And so Tantra’s powerful non sexually and sexually it kind of does two things.
One, it’s a powerful healing tool for trauma. So it’s a somatic healing tool where if I’ve essentially got a bunch of trauma in my vagina, my muscles are tense, I’m lacking sensation, or I’m experiencing pain and irritation, I’ve got to find where that trauma got locked into my muscles and massage it out, but also use energy work to help it come out of my energy system and my nervous system. That opens me up to more pleasurable sensation and connection and all that fun stuff. And then on the other side, it just helps us to go into like, way deeper levels of connection. I [00:04:00] worked with a couple, a while ago now, and they, they talk about like, They go to this place called the void when they have sex,
when they use tantric tools, like outside of space and time. Uh, and they can be there as long as they want. It’s like pretty wild. I’ve talked about how with, penis practices that my partner and I were working heavily on when I was in my certification and we’re slowly kind of rebuilding that into my life. But, um, when your partner’s working on semen retention, All I can say is it literally feels like a, like a lightsaber is inside of my vagina, like in a good way,
dan_1_08-23-2024_141130: uh huh,
sofia-ashley-_1_08-23-2024_131130: not a cut you up way.
dan_1_08-23-2024_141130: yeah, uh
sofia-ashley-_1_08-23-2024_131130: so that energy work piece just opens up the kind of sex people are expecting. Right. And
dan_1_08-23-2024_141130: or hope to have, yeah, talk. Yeah. Well, we talk about how people just jam genitals together and hope for this like mind body, like explosive thing. And you’re like, no, no, no. We got to do like mind, body, soul,
uh huh. heart, mind, [00:05:00] and genitals here. so yeah, Tantra would definitely be, where it’s at for, people once they’ve really solidified their nervous system work.
Catherine Roebuck
Dan (2): This next clip comes from an interview with Kat robot, where she shares how to use your very best sexual memories that you’ve had to analyze them, learn from them and build upon them to make great sexual experiences for you and your spouse in the future.
Catherine Roebuck: I would say pick your favorite sexual memory of the two of you
dan_1_08-19-2024_144515: Uh
huh.
catherine-roebuck_1_08-19-2024_164515: it out
dan_1_08-19-2024_144515: Uh huh.
catherine-roebuck_1_08-19-2024_164515: and really emphasize what you liked about it.
dan_1_08-19-2024_144515: Uh huh.
catherine-roebuck_1_08-19-2024_164515: going to be super exposing for most people, even if you’ve got a good sex life.
but to let your partner know, you know, when I think about us, this is what I think about.
Like
dan_1_08-19-2024_144515: Uh huh.
catherine-roebuck_1_08-19-2024_164515: this is the scene and here’s what stands out to me. I remember this one part of it, you know, this is, that was the peak for me and why I think that was. that can give you so much insight into your partner’s erotic map in their mind. And that can really drive intimacy and can also help you create more [00:06:00] peak experiences going forward. Cause you can’t always predict what factors matter most to someone. Maybe like smell is a huge deal for them and you are not a person who cares that much about that. And you never considered that that might be a big factor.
dan_1_08-19-2024_144515: Right.
catherine-roebuck_1_08-19-2024_164515: or maybe you said something that just really, Like landed for them really, really hit. And it’s not something that you realized landed differently from the other sweet things you say, or the sex things you say in bed. So yeah, I’d say that you, you wanna get into your mind if you wanna expand on good sex and make it fantastic, you want to be bringing more of your mind into it and sharing that with your partner and then asking them to do the same.
dan_1_08-19-2024_144515: Mm hmm, that’d be good. What a great exercise. I love it.
Till Storm Snippet intro
[00:07:00]
Tilly Storm
Tilly Storm: The best sex tip I could give you is to start a jade egg practice.
Jade or yoni egg practice, whatever you want to call it. People call it both the things. And I don’t necessarily say that that’s a tip. Maybe it is a tip is a tip that, Hey, go check it out because it does do fascinating things in your experience of pleasure in terms of increasing it and being less.
desensitized and more sensitive, but it really is phenomenal to learn how to use the JDAG to increase your capacity for pleasure and for men presence. Most women just want you to be more present, to be more with them and their full expression of the sexuality. It is so vulnerable for women to fully surrender [00:08:00] and they won’t feel like they can if they don’t feel like you’re fully there with them.
If you’re thinking about something else, if you’re thinking about some visual that has nothing to do with what’s actually going on in the moment. Presence is the black belt tip for my guys because that’s the one thing that’s going to change everything.
Dan (2): Josie McEwen is a romance coach. She’s an expert on all things romance and her black belt sex tip has to do with incorporating surprise in your romantic getaways, which I hope you do often in your marriage.
Josie
Track 1: I think that that’s something that you can do on your romantic getaways is like plan these fun little. I’m going to like blindfold ’em and take ’em to this special spot during our romantic getaway or like research and find these special things, you know, or like, maybe it’s on their bucket list, like riding horses on the beach.
I’m gonna plan that special event without them knowing as a surprise. Or if they don’t like surprises, [00:09:00] tell ’em about it and just say, Hey, I plan this special thing for us so we can go do that. Those are always fun to do with romantic getaways and that’s what I love doing is finding those and implementing those.
Dan (2): Part of being a black belt at sex includes getting more comfortable with various sexual behaviors, possibly not always, but sometimes you can progress sexually by learning how to overcome things that hang you up in the past. So this next tip from Jessa Zimmerman is a fantastic cue for anyone looking to up their game in the sexual department to include more sexual behaviors that might be more exciting, or to expand the palette for you and your spouse to enjoy as a couple.
Jessa Zimmerman (Don’t know if this fits–oral sex stuff)
Dan: any tips for situations where, uh, like I get this a lot. One wants oral sex and the other doesn’t, but is willing to try, but it’s so daunting because disgust and whatever.
Like, how do you help couples through that?
Jessa: Uh huh,
I think that’s a really good example. This comes up a fair amount in my practice [00:10:00] too. Believe it or not, oral sex is, is a really good example of something people can potentially become comfortable with, where they start out really uncomfortable and they can gain that comfort through practice and experience. Now if somebody’s got a really strong disgust reaction, that’s trickier. But if it’s just like, I don’t know what I’m doing. This is kind of weird and you know, it’s just sort of intimidating. I would say start. Don’t start with whatever images you might’ve seen anywhere else. You’re not trying to mimic anything about how this goes. What’s it like to just put your mouth on, you know, near somebody else’s genitals. What’s it like to just do a little bit, like, don’t think of it as a whole thing. Just gradually explore and see if, you know, take little baby steps and see if it gets more comfortable. Um, but don’t think about, you know, like getting somebody to an orgasm or something
Dan: Can you do 20 seconds? Can you start there or something,
Jessa: Yeah. Yeah. Can you just kiss first or what’s it like to explore just out of your own interest for what it feels like on your mouth versus the result you’re trying to produce for somebody else and yeah, [00:11:00] break, break it down a little bit, but it’s a good example of something that you really can develop comfort with and even joy and the, you know, and some people really connect with the, the ability to give that kind of pleasure.
Yeah. So even. Um,
a lot of,
Dan: is erotic. Yes. Uh
Jessa: it can’t either erotic or just gratifying. So often the
person giving oral sex is not necessarily getting aroused by it. It’s not doing the same thing for them that it is for the receiver, but they might really enjoy maybe the power, but at least the, the, the ability to, to give pleasure and really kind of get into that once they get more comfortable with the actual act.
Dan: Uh huh. I love that. That’s good.
Adam and Karissa King
Dan (2): This next black belt sex tip comes from Adam and Chrissa king, their guests, my podcasts. And we talk about play in the bedroom. This specific tip is about incorporating role play as part of the play in the bedroom.
dan_1_12-03-2024_105648: I’m thinking about my daughter and this past Thanksgiving holiday and how she played with her cousins and yeah, it’s, there’s a lot of this, um, it’s role [00:12:00] play is the best word I can
Karissa: Totally.
dan_1_12-03-2024_105648: taking on different things,
different meanings and and then playing in them.
Karissa: Yep. Yep. And there’s no intended outcome.
Adam: There’s no end.
Karissa: Yeah. They’re just playing. They don’t know
how it’s going to end. And
so they’re like thinking of our, our daughter with her cousins, you know, during Thanksgiving they’re outside. They don’t care that it’s really cold. Um, sometimes they’re barefoot and we have to tell them to put on socks and put your shoes back on.
getting messy and dirty and it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. so there’s a lot of disregard for outcome.
Adam: Yeah.
Karissa: And for impact, they don’t care. They’re just having fun.
Adam: And in our adult ness, I think we focus so much on outcome of this is what it needs to look like, or we have to get here or else,
dan_1_12-03-2024_105648: yes, uh
Adam: if if it, If If that doesn’t happen, I’m not successful as a man or I’m not, you know, it’s funny when you’re saying this about kids. I remember like [00:13:00] funny thing. I loved Legos growing up. I spent so much time building the thing.
But the funny thing is, is I didn’t really play with the thing I built.
dan_1_12-03-2024_105648: The fun was in the making
of it, not the finished product, right?
Uh
Adam: I think that that’s exactly what we’re pointing to here is that the way is not the orgasm. What makes
the beautiful orgasm is the process getting there. That’s, that’s the, the buildup, the fun, the intrigue, the flirting, all the things that’s just the, maybe, I don’t know the capstone if you want to say, but like, it’s wonderful.
I mean, but. It’s, it’s the process, the, the, the night in and of itself is what we’re going for. Not you know, that five second moment.
Dan (2): This next tip isn’t about sex per se, but is so good. I want to include it here. And it’s really short. This is from Tonya Hale.
Tanya Hale (not black belt)
squadcaster-8d72_3_11-04-2024_122017: So I think like no backburner [00:14:00] issues, seeing each other as equals. Really clear communication without the blaming, accusing, attacking, or criticizing is, is vital to, to creating the kind of miraculous, beautiful relationship that, that he and I have been able to create.
You on Rhonda’s podcast (i don’t know if this really fits)
Dan (2): This next black belt sex tip comes from an interview I did with Rhonda far.
We talk about from a man’s perspective, what we wish women knew about sex when it comes to building good sexual relationship. And I think these are great black belt tips because they. Are really about taking the fundamentals to the next level.
Dan: What do men wish more women knew? And, this is off the cuff too, but I think it’s, being desired and how valuable it is for men to be desired by their wives. and desired sexually by their wives, desired emotionally by their wives. You know, women want to be desired by their husband too. , [00:15:00] but there is something special, especially we’re talking in a dynamic that I think a lot of your listeners might be in, where they tend to be the one, the, You know, they’re the achiever, right? They’re the achiever pattern. So they’re the ones probably planning the vacations and the getaways with their wives.
They’re probably the ones, thinking about sex and intimacy and how it’s going to play out. They’re the ones thinking about what gifts can I get to my wife that show my love for them. So they’re, they’re the ones probably more on the, execution side when it comes to showing desire.
And you might be paired with a woman who, who has not those strengths. So it’s, I think a lot of women miss a very key way of loving and loving well in a marriage and being a good lover is to desire back. I think about the men and the couples I coach and, a common complaint is. I just don’t feel the same level of [00:16:00] desire from her that I have for her.
like it feels really one direction and there, there’s many reasons for that. They’re probably contributing to the reason why they’re not being desired. I do think women in general, if they desired their husbands more or learned how to desire them sexually more for their own fulfillment, it does, add more dimension and flavor and color and life to the relationship.
Rhonda: Yeah, I think many people, men and women alike, who are the higher functioners or maybe the over functioners sometimes, and we can say a word about that maybe, I think it feels really good to be taken care of in the bedroom when you feel like every place else you’re the one who does.
Alyson Bullock (co-regulation exercises)
Dan (2): A lot of the black belt sex tips offered by my guests. Talk about calming down the nervous system or using our nervous system to our advantage. And this next one is no different. This is from Allie Bullock and her tip on how to improve sex in the marriage.
squadcaster-bj81_1_06-27-2024_171226: Have you, [00:17:00] have you ever done co regulation exercises?
dan_1_06-27-2024_151226: No, what’s that?
squadcaster-bj81_1_06-27-2024_171226: Okay. So this is the theory that our bodies. And our nervous systems can be really in sync with someone that we’re in a room with.
Think mother and baby,
dan_1_06-27-2024_151226: Yeah, yeah. Uh huh.
squadcaster-bj81_1_06-27-2024_171226: They’re breathing together. They’re so in sync. You can do the same thing with your partner.
And so what this looks like during a session is I will tell a couple to turn and face each other and hold hands. and look at each other and just breathe and try and match their breath
dan_1_06-27-2024_151226: Uh huh.
squadcaster-bj81_1_06-27-2024_171226: or I’ll have them sit back to back. Same thing. And just based on the touch of their back, I’ll have them breathe and try and be in sync with each other.
dan_1_06-27-2024_151226: Mm hmm.
squadcaster-bj81_1_06-27-2024_171226: Exercises like that are really unnatural at first in the middle of a fight,
dan_1_06-27-2024_151226: Yeah. Yes, absolutely. Uh huh.
squadcaster-bj81_1_06-27-2024_171226: regulate you so well because every single time there has not been a time I’ve done that with a couple where they haven’t said, Oh, I feel better now. You like I can talk about this.
dan_1_06-27-2024_151226: Yeah. [00:18:00] Right. And I think the key to all that is
you have different parts of your brain, right? You have the very highly reactive emotional center of your brain, but that’s different than the thinking part of your brain. So in a fight, when you’re emotionally stimulated, You’re not processing, you’re not thinking with the more advanced prefrontal cortex part of your brain.
And guess which part of your brain is involved in creating and forming relationships and solving problems in that relationship? It’s the front part of your brain, right? That prefrontal cortex. But if it’s, if you can’t, if you can’t reach it because you’re too activated, you do need to learn how to like, well, as I like to say, calm the heck down.
Amanda Louder
Dan (2): This next black belt sex tip comes from Amanda Lauder. We did a podcast episode on novelty in the bedroom, including sex toys. And I liked her tip here because it’s not about the toy. It’s not about the bondage [00:19:00] or the other fun things you’re going to do. It’s about the meanings that are created within the marriage by using those things. Check it out.
Amanda Louder: I love the, quote from David Shnarsh, where he talks about the meanings that we create in our sexual relationship.
amanda-louder_1_09-25-2023_104256: And so it’s not just like, You know, a new position or a new toy or whatever to take things to the next level, but it’s like, what deeper meanings can we create in the sexual relationship between the two of us? So I had a couple recently, who really wanted to take things to the next level and they wanted to try some like bondage and tying her up and different things. And like, that’s fantastic. That’s great. If they’re both on the same page with that, more power to them. Right. Um, But what I really wanted to get at the heart is, is like, what is doing that going to create for you when it comes to meaning in your relationship? And she
was like, by allowing him to tie me up, it [00:20:00] deepens my trust, right? Like I have to
have a whole lot more trust in him that he’s going to listen to me, that he’s not going to do things. outside of what I’ve consented to, and building that deeper trust with each other creates that deeper meaning.
And that’s really what takes it to the next level, not necessarily tying her up.
Track 1: It’s not the leather,
it’s the meanings that you
make with it. Right, right, right. And a little excitement helps go along, you know, move things along too,
amanda-louder_1_09-25-2023_104256: Yes. Yeah.
Track 1: that’s really good./
Tammy Camp
(Tammy Camp)
Dan (2): This next tip comes from Tammy camp and about laughing and playing in the bedroom.
Tammy Camp: my black belt sex tip would be to. To learn how to laugh in the bedroom. Alright, good. Laugh in the bedroom. It’s not too sanctimonious and serious. We can have play and
fun. then it isn’t fun and we’re just looking for, checking off those check marks and then it’s just not there. [00:21:00] So, we did this adventure the other day and We went on a hike first and we had to find things on a hike and we had to look for it was a trail and so we had sat down to dinner and we put together little things that we had to find like a scavenger, scavenger hunt.
Yep. So that was the theme. We’ll call it a scavenger hunt. So the first part of the scavenger hunt was going on a trail and finding things like water. Or, somebody throwing a rock in the, the river or, um, even dog poop. Just funny things that we together decided. And I didn’t tell Jake what the other side of it was, but I just said, okay, we just have to get all these things and put it together.
So we went on this walk and as we found them, we checked them off. And so then afterwards I said, okay, here’s how many did you check out? I think there was 17 of them that we checked. So I said, okay, here’s the fun part. Now we’re going to do a different scavenger hunt. So I’m going to take pieces of tape, and I’m going to put the same number of [00:22:00] Scotch tape.
Yep, the same number of items that we found on our scavenger hunt. I’m now going to put a piece of tape on different parts of my body. Scotch tape is hard to find. So, in the dark, especially. Yeah, and he, we have a, um, blindfold. So I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t make him be blindfolded. So put them all over. Um, we talked about doing half and half so you could do half and half if you wanted, but we put them all over and then he had to find them.
And so as he found them, he’d peel them off and it was just such a fun adventure. We laughed and, you know, it just was just fun to just play, be playing. Um, the fun part and the thing that was. It’s probably best of all of it is when I got in the shower the next morning, I found several pieces of tape that we had not found before that we’re still hiding.
So
I guess that goes to show you had so much fun [00:23:00] that you didn’t quite find all this. We forgot to count. That’s for sure. Yeah. That part did not become important anymore.
That is so good.
Francie Winslow
Dan (2): This next tip comes from my friend Francey Winslow. And she talks about going to hotels for date night. Instead of other things you might do at date night, and now it’s really helped her and her husband with their sexual relationship.
francie_1_01-25-2024_111114: Okay, so you might appreciate this ’cause you have a large family, but our absolute go-to life, truly like lifesaver is we take regular hotel dates.
Track 1: Nice
francie_1_01-25-2024_111114: Um, weekly actually is our aim.
We go to a hotel weekly and we don’t spend the night, we go for probably anywhere from two to five hours. And it has been amazing. We Priceline it and so the same price that you would pay basically for dinner in a movie for a date night, we get. A nice long, uninterrupted shower. Nobody’s banging on the bathroom door.
Nobody’s screaming, nobody needs us. We get maybe a [00:24:00] nap. We get some long time for sensual touch, for conversation. Maybe we need a big cry. Maybe we need to just process some pain. Whatever it is that real life is bringing up, we have space to do it, and then we get to make love for an extended amount of time.
I think what I have noticed is that the biggest game changer for a profoundly meaningful sex life is margin. And whatever way you can create margin, to have time to invest in learning each other’s bodies, studying each other time to unwind together from our busy, noisy, loud life that we all live is gold.
Um, quickies are amazing quickies keep us going, but those long sessions of uninterrupted, literally making love, making this love that we are giving away, making love that is overflowing into our children. Into our workplaces, into our church communities. It comes from us leaning in and God pouring out the gift of pleasure and beauty to make love come from this marriage.
And it’s beautiful. But I will say hotel dates have been [00:25:00] the key for us. We started doing it during Covid because all the restaurants were closed and we needed to get outta the house and we just haven’t stopped. And it’s been absolutely wonderful. And um, I do have a podcast about it, but it has. Become so meaningful, not just like an exciting date out.
It’s been a lifeline for us. So, um, yeah. Priceline though is the way to go. ’cause then you can navigate the, the best deals around,
Track 1: Especially if you live in a big metro area like you with lots of hotels.
That would
francie_1_01-25-2024_111114: Yeah. And if, if you don’t, maybe just kids swap,
like have your kids leave for a while
or figure out another way.
But the idea is margin.
That’s the big idea.
Track 1: I love that. What a great tip. Thank you
Amy Langford (emotions check in)
Dan (2): Creating a great sex life is so much more than genitals and bodies and technique. It’s about emotions too. So Amy Lankford shares how to build better emotional connection and communicate better emotionally.
Track 1: Will you please leave us with one black belt sex tip. And this really isn’t about sex per se, but it’s about the five minute emotions. Check-in. You alluded to it a little [00:26:00] earlier.
Will you teach our audience what that is?
’cause I this is really black belt and I hope everyone’s listening to this.
amy-langford_2_02-08-2024_121534: Yes. So my husband and I do a daily check-in, I think. Really every marriage, it’s healthy to have some type of daily check-in and the daily check-in that goes beyond. Did you pick up, you know, Sally and, oh, the, you know, this is Bill is due and Oh, did you notice the toilet’s leaking?
Right beyond, it’s not just the logistics of life, but a check-in that is about seeing and knowing the emotional. Experience that each person is having. So we do an emotional daily check-in, we do ours at night, but you can do it anytime throughout the day. Some people, some couples prefer to do after dinner, some do it in the morning. So at night, what happens is one person is the listener and one person is a speaker, and the speaker takes [00:27:00] five to. Seven minutes to share what their emotional experience was that day. Wherein were they happy and sad, and proud, and discouraged, grateful. Um,
what frustrating. Yeah, frustrating. what did they enjoy? What brought them, you know, love or happiness or where do they succeed? And the listener just listens. They don’t say anything. They don’t interrupt. we like to hold hands or look at each other’s eyes, but you don’t have to do that. Um, we like to cuddle a lot while we’re doing it. And then when you’re done, you swap roles and the speaker then becomes a listener and the listener becomes the speaker. And it gives you an opportunity to see into each other’s lives and hearts and experience beyond just. the surface level, it gives you an opportunity to be really honest. There have been many days when, you know something hurtful has happened even between us, and it can be shared there. And often couples don’t have a space to [00:28:00] share.
There’s too much defensiveness or interrupting or different things that, they don’t really listen to each other.
So this little daily. Emotion sharing allows us to really see and know each other’s hearts. It allows us to bring our honest selves. we talk about things that we did that maybe we’re ashamed of or were an old pattern or something that we regret. we also talk about our highs and the things that went really well. We talk about what’s hard between us, and with the just listening and just speaking, It creates the capacity to listen instead of, bringing in all of your different defense mechanisms. And I find when you really listen to one another and you bring that honesty, it creates so much intimacy.
Track 1: That’s such a beautiful practice. I hope everyone listen to that and tries it out. It’s fantastic.
Heather Flake
Dan (2): This next tip from Heather flake is fantastic. It’s about talking [00:29:00] about and communicating about your sex life openly with your spouse.
heather-flake–she-her-_1_09-29-2023_084747: I would say, I think just like asking your partner, coming to your partner and being like, so like how sex for you these days,
Track 1: Uh huh.
heather-flake–she-her-_1_09-29-2023_084747: like do, is there, is there anything that, do you want it to look different? Do you want like, where are you at? I just think that just like we were talking about earlier, it’s just so easy to come into a routine.
And so I would say a black belt tip is just being like, Hey, like where are you at? How are you feeling about sex these days? Where are you thinking?
Track 1: Uh
huh.
heather-flake–she-her-_1_09-29-2023_084747: do you want to go from here? Again, I like I just personally think like being that intentional about it like that’s hot,
Track 1: Yes.
heather-flake–she-her-_1_09-29-2023_084747: you know, and then it creates this great conversation Which then usually leads to awesome sex, too.
Track 1: Yes. Great. I like that tip. So, talking about it leads to great sex.
Tammy Hill
Tammy hill. One of my favorite mentors was a guest on my podcast earlier this year. And she talks about using touch as a powerful language for connection, love, and meaning and marriage.
Track 1: Can you talk more on, why that type of touch is a powerful language when even words aren’t sufficient.
tammy_1_03-12-2024_112426: Yeah. Well, you’re asking me to say something that words aren’t sufficient for.
Track 1: I know, right? Uh huh.
tammy_1_03-12-2024_112426: But I
think it’s, it’s like we talked about arrows, energy being expansive and creative. It feels expansive in those times when, it’s almost like I’m praying over my husband while I’m touching him or he’s praying over me while he’s touching me. And it becomes a somewhat of an ethereal type of an experience where you’re connecting together in this really intimate way. and it feels like we’re connecting with heaven at the same time. And there’s a [00:01:00] conduit that just pours out goodness and forgiveness and, generosity towards one another. An increased loyalty that we feel for one another. It just does so much to strengthen our relationship when we take time to do this type of Making love this orgasmic meditations with the spiritual dimension included in it to me is replenishing.
And I, um, that’s what the name of my book is, replenish. I think it is what restores the energy to our lives. So that we have the energy we need to take care of all the responsibilities you have when you have a family and, I know that I’m so grateful for learning this from Diana Richardson and then doing through my own work and being really prayerful and what I’m learning and what I’m teaching is that add the spiritual kind of conduit information to it and [00:02:00] It feels like we’re living more true to our capabilities. We’re being more true to ourselves and we’re fortifying our relationship in a really deep but passionate way. I think it’s what replenishes. is all about.
Track 1: love that. That is so good. That’s so good.
Dr. Julie Slattery talks about the importance of making time for great sexual connection.
squadcaster-i8i7_1_01-25-2024_141013: I think invest in your sex life. So for a lot of people, the biggest investment we can make is time.
So, you know, like you can have all the best aspirations, but you get so busy. And again, this feels like it shouldn’t be a priority
and you don’t date anymore. You don’t get away.
Um, you know, just the two of you and this is something that I have to be continually reminded of even as I’m in this work.
I tend to be Really work oriented and [00:03:00] serious. And so my husband’s the fun one. And even yesterday, he’s like, when’s our next vacation? And I’m like, next vacation. We just had one in November. Why are we thinking of another one? And even the one in November, it was like, he had to badger me. Like, I’m like, well, we went.
On a vacation with the kids, he’s like, no, that doesn’t count.
We need to get the away, just the two of us.
And, um, I need to be reminded of that. I need to be like, we work together now. So I’m like, I’m with you all the time, but when do we have time? Regularly during the week, regularly during the, the year where? We’re just focusing on our intimacy.
Track 1: and to play right
squadcaster-i8i7_1_01-25-2024_141013: yes, yeah, yeah. And to forget about all the worries, cause they’re still going to be there when we get home from vacation or we get back from that date. But you know, the research shows that playing together and experiencing new things together and laughing together, uh, you know, those all also [00:04:00] increase faithfulness and bonding and the feeling of friendship. And, uh, and so it’s a simple thing, but. It, it makes a world of difference, like if you, if you talk to couples that are really satisfied in their intimacy, ask them how they prioritize time together and you’ll probably find that that’s a really important piece regardless of what season of life they might be in.
Track 1: That is so so good. I love that Time it really is that because And that which might mean you need to take an honest look at your lifestyle and make some adjustments
squadcaster-i8i7_1_01-25-2024_141013: Yep.
Track 1: be filling it with a lot of distractions that are keeping you away from building true and authentic intimacy You
squadcaster-i8i7_1_01-25-2024_141013: Yeah.
Yep.
Dan (2): My guests, Glen and Phyllis hill. Talk about the ability to communicate about your experience with sex in a non-judgemental non-threatening way. And I love this tip because if more couples can communicate [00:05:00] about sex, as candidly as them. Then I think they’d see a lot more ease in being able to relate better sexually. In and out of the bedroom.
phyllis—glenn_1_02-22-2024_094922: I would say the biggest thing is that we have learned to be able to communicate by saying, I feel sexual joy. I am feeling experiencing sexual joy. iTunes, Glennon, he’s like, Ooh, what’s happening with sexual joy?
And I’m like, well, I was just thinking it’d be really fun tonight to play sexually. And then we. Just open up the communication. He does that with me. I do that with him. we say things like, oh, I’m feeling sexually lonely. And that’s no accusation. It’s just an experience. I’m experienced sexual loneliness.
And Glen will be like, oh babe, what’s happening with that? And I’m like, well, I feel like we’ve just done too many quickies lately and I have more fun when it’s longer and there’s real time for play and pleasure. Yeah. And then he just hears me. It’s not, I’m not pointing a finger, I’m not yelling at him.
I’m not giving him the cold shoulder. It’s a powerful way to communicate, [00:06:00] sexual joy and sexual loneliness. And that openness, I think, has drawn us together. Where in the past it would be more of, well, we haven’t done it lately ’cause you’ve been too busy. And that just sounds like such an accusation.
Instead of saying, man, I’m just feeling sexually lonely. And to be able to go, oh, what’s happening with that? And showing up in that space is so huge. Yeah. We now realize, again, just scientifically. Dynamic sexual connection is built on top of deep emotional connection. Which again, is how we’re coded from birth. We’re hardwired that way. Every 12 month old on the planet conveys authentically at the core vulnerably all the time. Well, there’s no birthday where that’s supposed to change. Mm-Hmm. We don’t say Happy birthday Dan.
You’re eight now. Shut up. We don’t want to hear from you anymore. Emotionally, that doesn’t make any sense. Mm-Hmm. But we do do that culturally. Where Dan got all these messages, especially as a man in this culture that, you know, well men, you know, men don’t cry. They’re just self-contained.
They’re an island, they’re a rock. And so then Dan and [00:07:00] Glen and, and women get the message as well to stop experiencing what you’re experiencing and the shut up about it.
Mm-Hmm. And I think just sexually. You know, for me sexually to be able to even know that I am safe to say, well, I felt really pain. Yeah.
Or I felt really hurt last night when you spiraled and it kind of affected our whole sex state. Yeah. And that he can make space for that. He can hear it, he can say, yeah. Wow. I feel, I feel some guilt about that. Yeah. But it doesn’t, we’re not in conflict and it doesn’t ruin us for days. Right. it, it’s actually draws us closer together.
And that is, to.
me the the incredible God piece in it. That doesn’t even make sense that we can Share the pain that we’re experiencing with each other and it brings us closer together. And I know that’s not how we functioned early on in marriage. Everything was a fight, and I’m right, or you’re right, one of us has to be right. Instead of just going, no, I’m just experiencing pain in this. And, [00:08:00] and it’s just so powerful. I think that’s why last night even I was able to show up even though he was spiraling and kind of the woe is me. And it really almost looked like Phyllis, this is all your fault in his verbiage, but I know it’s not.
And I know he is spiraling and it gave me the power to show up for him and to be just able to emotionally give to the situation and pull him out. And, and so we still had a great fun sexual encounter because it’s like I can show up for you in that space because I know we’re emotionally connected and so that’s the power of this kind of stuff and, and yeah, being able to do that, showing up for each other emotionally just brings your sexual connection to another level.
Yeah.
Track 1: That’s really good.
Laurie Watson
Dan (2): Dr. Lori Watson shares her black belt sex tip. That’s especially helpful for women to have more pleasure during sex.
Well, I certainly think, using a vibrator. [00:09:00] sometimes during sexual intercourse can feel really great for couples.
It kind of ensures her orgasm. And I think men who are having trouble with erections or premature ejaculation are very anxious that they will fail. They will not perform. She will not climax. And then, he’s a total failure. So if I was kind of a saving grace, it’s certainly great for Thursday sex.
And, you know, it might be great for Saturday night sex too, but there’s nothing wrong with that to kind of add, you know, a sense of physiological speeding up of her slower arousal cycle so that they kind of match a little bit better. You know, go for it. Uh, maybe that feels weird to you or you shouldn’t need that, but you know, it can be fun.
It can kind of take some of the pressure off the penis. It can also, you know, be enjoyable. And certainly you want to teach your partner how to touch you if you’re a woman. Um, sometimes this, this sort of shortens that arousal period and, and [00:10:00] gets you kind of to the pleasure part of touching faster.
Dan (2): My guess Alex and Katie Dutton from every level intimates talks about scheduling sex, how to do it and how it works in their marriage.
I would say one thing that we have found, especially after having, we have one son and a little girl on the. is scheduling time to be intimate? Uhhuh, I think Uhhuh that’s helped me a lot as the, husband with the higher drive, just to know that it’s coming. And, yeah, I would say scheduling or at least having a plan as to how we’re gonna, initiate or, or when, when you can initiate, just with how busy life is right now.
And, and I feel like so many people are in that same. Um, so I would say scheduling would be mine. Yeah. And then I would probably say check in. And find something new that the person is thinking of. Because especially like you said, they’ve been married a long time, they’ve got their routine down, it’s going really well.
It can always get better. so on top of, yeah, I feel like [00:11:00] scheduling huge. That changed. Everything for us, because I kind of needed to, prepare and enjoy like the day of foreplay to feel really great about the night. And so that’s been good for us. Mm-hmm. Um, but then also once you’re in that routine, it can get repetitive.
Mm-hmm. and that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s bad, it just means it’s repetitive. So if you can check in, What he wanted three years ago might be different than what he wants right now. Mm-hmm. Uhhuh than what he thinks of tomorrow. Right. Um, so finding new things to try,, or finding things that are on their mind that we may not have done or we did.
Two years ago that we totally forgot about. just talking about it and checking in what’s still working, what’s not working anymore, that I feel like is a huge game changer once we started openly talking, about what we liked. Oh, and during, yes, during that, like really does it for him.
If you’re in the middle of it and you share what you like and what’s going well. I feel like it’s a huge turn on. Oh yeah, that’s a huge turn on. [00:12:00] It’s a confidence booster. It gets everything going even more. so that would be mine, probably. Oh yeah. You could have a time. Like, I, I thought I was doing great.
Thought everyone was going great and then afterwards, you know, we kind of just as Sharon about the checking in thing, that kind of became, uh, almost every time we were intimate, that was like afterwards we would talk about like, Hey, how did you like this? Like, you know, What about this did you not like when that started happening?
That was huge. So when I was able to tell Katie like, Hey, during, if you would let me know, like, oh, I don’t like that. Or, Hey, I really like that. That was for me a huge thing. Um, just I think, well then obviously trickled over to me as well. Yes, yes. Improved both of us. Of us. Yeah. Yeah, but checking in, I would say that’s, that’s the top of the list.
That’s good. You’re both very collaborative in that.
Dan (2): Mark Goldberg has a tip, especially for couples and long-term relationships such as marriage and how to keep things fresh and exciting over the long haul.
mark_1_05-31-2024_111035: What I, what I would say is, and again, this [00:13:00] is definitely, speaks to people who are in long term relationships is, is don’t get too complacent. If if things are working really well in the beginning, that’s great. And I wish you like years and years of happiness and bliss. but I also know is that many, many couples do not communicate about what’s working and only start to have conversations. once something. Like goes off the tracks for them, which is inevitable. I believe it’s going to happen to everybody. but then they’re doing a lot of like retro work trying to figure out what happened. Why did things go off track? Um, I don’t know if you work with any couples directly, um, or to what degree, but I cannot tell you how many couples I’ve encountered that are married for decades, and I’m the first. person who ever asked them, even between themselves, like, well, how did you come to develop that script? Like what, like what happened? Did you like, we never spoke about it. We’ve been having sex for 30 plus years and we just, we know this is not like that [00:14:00] communication piece I think is really, really big.
And I think that’s, that’s a big part of where couples intimacy comes from is like sharing. Like these vulnerable, elements, whether they’re individually driven, whether they’re couple driven, really being able to communicate, about like sexual wants, needs, preferences, fears, worries, concerns, I believe is something that will go with couples over the lifespan. And I think that’ll be the most protective element that a couple can have when inevitably life is going to throw curve balls. The human body is going to throw curveballs. The relationship is going to throw curveballs. You’re prepared and ready to talk about that and collaborate around that as a team.
Okay.
Track 1: That’s so good.
Sierra Beltran
Dan (2): Sierra Beltron shares her black belt sex tip. And it’s all about stepping outside of your comfort zone.
sierra-beltran_1_12-06-2023_151259: For me,
it really is like experimenting, like
stepping out of your comfort zone. That was so hard for me
and like,
not my husband. Like, that’s not hard for
him.
he’s like, [00:15:00] let’s Just do you know
whatever. Um.
Track 1: you know
sierra-beltran_1_12-06-2023_151259: It was really hard for me. I was hesitant, but like, I mean things like toys, things like role playing,
Things like
Track 1: role playing,
sierra-beltran_1_12-06-2023_151259: just
that are definitely not easy to like
just do for some people like me. um,
Track 1: some people like me. Mm-Hmm.
sierra-beltran_1_12-06-2023_151259: be scared
Like don’t be scared to like
explore with your partner.
Right?
Track 1: Right. Right.
sierra-beltran_1_12-06-2023_151259: Yeah.
Track 1: Or you might still be scared,
but it’s have courage.
Right.
sierra-beltran_1_12-06-2023_151259: yeah, that
would definitely be a good piece
Track 1: Yeah. Yeah. The
difference between courage and confidence is that confidence feels good.
sierra-beltran_1_12-06-2023_151259: good. true.
Track 1: it’s the same action.
It’s just
you don’t feel good in the moment. But
sierra-beltran_1_12-06-2023_151259: Yes.
Track 1: real courage, right? But afterwards you’re like, Hey, that actually wasn’t that bad. I kind of
sierra-beltran_1_12-06-2023_151259: Oh my gosh. I’m telling you like
experimenting and exploring will totally
like transform your marriage sex wise,
Track 1: that is so good.
Great.
Dan (2): Ariel Finland says [00:16:00] next tip is especially applicable to busy moms.
ariel-finlinson–she-her-_1_11-01-2023_104337: as a, as a mother. I was kind of trained that. I serve
my kids and I,
serve my husband, And that showed up in our
sex life as well, instead of
allowing myself to be present
in myself
and
let him focus on me, I felt the need
to care for him.
And if you know anything about women’s sexuality, That doesn’t really, work. , because you have
Track 1: erotic,
ariel-finlinson–she-her-_1_11-01-2023_104337: present in yourself because. It’s usually harder for women to be aroused and reach orgasm than it is for men, and So
you have to start practicing this.
Ability to let
someone focus on you.
and that also helped, like
growing
up, I heard a lot about servicing
your husband
right? This idea of like, sex is a need for them, and as
their wife, I service them. And
shifting it to see it as a way for my husband to serve me I’m more [00:17:00] willing to and wanting to participate because it’s like not another
to thing on my to-do list,
it’s a space where I’ve been caring for people all day
and now my husband can come
and care for me
and show me love.
And I think if you start practicing this
When you’re
out.
and about, right. With family or friends, like, Hey, could you hold my baby so I can eat without having to hold a baby? will Will you help me with this? I think that
gives us a great chance. Then
to start talking about
that and practicing that in the bedroom
as well.
Track 1: the bedroom as well.
Dan (2): Tammy hill shares a black belt sex tip. That’s all about focusing on the goodness and the greatness of all the beautiful things that marriage can offer.
tammy_1_07-17-2024_201335: I always talk about like, if I had a great big white piece of paper right here, and I took a pencil and put a little dot on this blank piece of paper, our eyes are going to focus on the dot, right? That’s the one mar that we see on the paper. And [00:18:00] so, to me, I have to kind of
dan_1_07-17-2024_201335: Uh, our brains are hardwired for that.
tammy_1_07-17-2024_201335: right. And so instead of focusing on that dot to think of all of the good, the white, all of the things that are happening that are, are good and that are evidence that your life together is really quite sweet.
And, um, so I think reframing, differences. appreciating the differences, but not getting stuck in them and trying to focus more on what is it that we together bless? How do we bless one another together?
dan_1_07-17-2024_201335: I like that. That’s very good. Very good.
Danielle Savory (cherishing)
Dan (2): My guest Daniel savory talked about how being cherished can be its own version of getting turned on in this black belt sex TIF.
danielle-savory_1_08-01-2024_141157: when I allow myself to get to a place of cherish, it naturally brings on a turn on that might be different than just like explicitly, like erotic turn on, [00:19:00] or thinking of fantasy or doing these other things.
like it really creates this very rich experience of slowing down and, you know, having this novelty even though it’s like somebody that’s So familiar. You’re also looking at them through the lens of impermanence and like, I don’t know how long and what if this really was the last day and like how that would look and how that would feel and like getting into it and like soaking in every moment.
So then when it comes to that perspective of cherishing your spouse, especially around sexuality, it’s like really paying attention from this place of like, ah, and like enjoyment and surrender and trust. And, I just think that some of my best sexual experiences has come from these like absolute cherishing moments of like, this is what we have.
This is what we have right now. And, you know, [00:20:00] beyond that, I just think that It has an impact where it stays with you longer
and you realize like how important it is to like prioritize this because You really don’t know so it’s like I want to cherish the moments that we have like we have this week Like when are we gonna be connecting, you know?
like so that no matter what like I know that I’m gonna look back and be like Even if there was an argument right before we left, like there was still moments where we were so connected and intimate and cherishing each other on the regular, it puts a sense of, I don’t want to say urgency, in those connections, but for sure a sense of importance, a
sense of priority when you’re measuring up everything else and when it’s so easy to be like, does sex really matter?
Does pleasure really matter? Do these things really matter? It really can put in this sense of like, no, this really matters because it’s
Dan (2): Dr. [00:21:00] Jennifer Finlayson. And five, another one of my favorite mentors has this great black belt sex tip about how to run your marriage from the best in you, not from the worst in you.
jennifer_1_08-01-2024_150302: first of all, I think we have to kind of see that we’re inclined to this. Justification mindset. You know, you were so such a jerk when you said that, or that was so dumb or unfair, therefore I can be dumb and unfair back. I think we have to wake up to that because again, it’s a death spiral.
It’s, it’s going to take the marriage down when we’re running it by the worst in ourselves. So if we can understand that impulse. And see it in ourselves. Then we are in a position to ask ourselves, who am I going to be? Right? What kind of person am I going to be in this marriage? Am I going to love? Because true love is an active agency. It’s not just in reaction to being loved. And so we have to reference our own integrity, our own higher self. [00:22:00] We have to, we have to earn our own self respect. More even than the respect of a partner. That is, I have to be the kind of person that I know is respect worthy, that I can feel good about my behavior.
If you want a chance of a good marriage and a chance of being happy in your marriage, because if you live into your lesser self, even if your spouse lives into their better self, you won’t be happy because you know, That you’re not really someone that you respect. And that’s a big deal.
dan_1_08-01-2024_130302: I can see how if I were to live into my better self, especially in those moments when it’s so easy to, justify victimhood or whatever. If I can really live into my better self, it actually makes me a easier person to love. Like for my, yeah, I become a better choice in that moment too. At least not, not in that moment, but maybe the next moment or the [00:23:00] next, next time it sets me up for more success down the
jennifer_1_08-01-2024_150302: absolutely. And I think when we’re really, truly coming from a stronger place inside a spouse, a child, a friend. Can map that pretty quickly. Like they can feel that it’s not reactive, that it’s not manipulative, that it’s not justified and it pulls for the better in them too. It, you know, your spouse, they always have their agency, but usually what we do in our relationships is we kind of just move into a reactive system.
And so we’re just reacting at the level that the system asks of us in a way, even though we’re co creating that reality. So when you bring her stronger self, you’re actually, you’re inviting your spouse to bring more integrity, more courage, more love to that engagement as well.
dan_1_08-01-2024_130302: That is so good
Dan (2): This next tip from Kathleen Smith talks about how being a good lover being even good at sex includes being really responsible for yourself.
And this next tip illustrates how [00:24:00] to do that beautifully.
dan_1_06-06-2024_090840: You say this line over and over in your book that I love. It’s about not being responsible for your spouse is being responsible to your spouse. Can you elaborate on that a little bit more in this
kathleen-smith-_1_06-06-2024_110840: Yeah. Being responsible to somebody is thinking about how you want to show up. And be present and, be sort of a thoughtful, responsible human in relationship to them. because we’re really, when you think about how do I want to be responsible to my spouse, you know, that could look like this is how I share my thinking or my needs.
This is how I listen to them and be thoughtful and respectful. Maybe being responsible to them is, when they’re anxious, I sit there and listen instead of fixing the problem for them, right? That’s a different way of functioning, where you’re connected to them. But you’re not treating them like, you know, they’re a part of you, that there is, they’re a separate person in some ways, and often the ways that we try and be responsible for people, isn’t, really help.
That’s helpful. Uh, it’s that, what in [00:25:00] Bowen theory is called, as I said before, being irresponsibly over involved. it’s not really a type of responsibility at all.
Bonnie Young
Dan (2): This last tip today comes from Bonnie young. We had a great episode about sharing power in a marriage, and it’s not what you think it is. Anyway, this is her black belt sex tip on how to make sex. Great, because You’re as equal partners in bed, you’re sharing. the power in bed.
bonnie-young_1_11-30-2023_092556: when power is not equally shared, it, I think it can just really pervert even the most. you know, genuine, heartfelt desires,
to feel connected or, or healthy expressions of sexuality. So I think we have to be really purposeful. Like, am I using sex to try to control my spouse’s behavior? Um, whether that’s in, in a way where I’m trying to get something from him, or I’m trying to keep him at bay or her at, you know, what it I, in my opinion, what it should be, which is a celebration of the beautiful connection and love that we have together, and a place to celebrate our relationship [00:26:00] rather than to try to control or manipulate the partner.
Ending
Dan (2): Alright there, you have it. We’ve covered so many wonderful black belt sex tips in this episode. I’m so grateful you listened. I hope there is something in here that you can take action on immediately in your marriage. Remember it’s by putting things into action is where you really start to see changes in your relationship. If you’d like help with action in your relationship.
I have a fantastic program. It’s called the, get your marriage on program it’s for couples and individuals that want to really move the needle in a positive direction in their relationship. It can get all those details on, get your marriage on.com. It includes coaching and includes a community and includes an in-depth course, really designed to help you build a stronger marriage,
I see you next week and have a happy new year.
