One thing I’ve noticed about higher desire wives: they feel so lonely.
They think they’re the only wife on the plane that has the higher desire for sex.
They often talk about how they hear about their other lady friends complain about how their husbands are always pursuing them and wanting to have sex with them and how they’re tired of that. And the higher desire wives themselves think, “If only my husband pursued me that way….Is something wrong with me? Did I marry the wrong person?”
My great friend J. Parker join us on the episode today. She is the author of the blog Hot, Holy, Humorous and a new book called The Higher Desire Wife.
She and I will be discussing these concerns and others expressed by a group of higher desire wives in our private Facebook group.
So if you’re the wife that’s higher desire in your marriage, I just want to say you’re very welcome here. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. And of course, we’re gonna do a deep dive on and hopefully answer some of the questions you might in this episode.
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Transcript
This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors or inaccuracies. For the most accurate and complete experience, we recommend listening to the full podcast episode.
Episode 241: Higher Desire Wives with J Parker
J Parker: [00:00:00] every one in four or five. Married couples out there, she is wanting sex more than he is.
And the reason you’re
Dan Purcell: right.
J Parker: hearing about that sometimes is because Those people have felt alone, not just the higher desire wives who may not wanna speak up and share their experience because they already feel like a freak, but also lower desire husbands. I mean, how difficult that must be to be in a group of men and say, actually, I don’t want sex as much as my wife.
And maybe have some guy look at you like, well then gimme your man card,
[00:01:00] In the last few weeks, I’ve had three or four coaching calls with couples where the wife is the one with the higher desire for sex in their marriage. And one thing I’ve noticed about these wives is they feel so lonely. They think they’re the only person on the planet. That has the higher desire for sex.
They often talk about how they hear about their other lady friends complain about how their husbands are always pursuing them and wanting to have sex with them and how they’re tired of that. And they themselves, you know, the higher desire wives themselves think if only my husband pursued me that way.
Is something wrong with me? did I marry the wrong person? And they, they wonder about these things often. I have a great friend, Jay Parker. She’s also the author of a recently published book that’s fantastic called The Higher Desire Wife. I’ve invited her to be a guest in my podcast to talk about these very things.
And to prepare for this episode, I reached out to my private Facebook group, which if you’re not a part [00:02:00] of, I highly invite you to join. Anyway, I invited the wives that are there, who are the higher desire wives, and I had over 20 responses. What are some questions you want me to ask in this podcast episode?
And we’re gonna address a lot of those here. So if you’re the wife that’s higher desire in your marriage, I just want to say you’re very welcome here. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. And of course, we’re gonna do a deep dive on all those things today. And I hope some of the questions you might have are answered in this episode.
Dan Purcell: Jay, what an honor it is to have you back on the Get Your Marriage On Podcast. How are you today?
J Parker: Well, I think I’m the one with the honor. I’m excited to be here. I’m doing great.
Dan: So I first followed you in 2017, so it’s been quite a while. And my wife and I loved your blog. We got your email newsletter and I remember one day you sent out a newsletter early in 2018 saying, Anna, do more speaking engagements. Um,
J Parker: Mm-hmm.
Dan Purcell: uh, tell me, let me know. We’ll talk [00:03:00] to your church group, we’ll talk to your whatever.
So. I emailed you and I said I want to, you know, invite you to speak to our group, but we might have a, we might only have 20 couples there. Is that okay? And I don’t know if you remember your reply,
J Parker: I do not.
Dan: but you said like, I always say size does not matter. And
that’s when I knew, yes, this is fantastic. So I love what.
J Parker: but, but the size actually did end up being more than 20 couples,
Dan: It did. It did. It did. But just such a humorous response from a woman that writes about sex all the time. So it’s great. And that’s really what you are. You’re hot, it’s holy, and it’s humorous, and then you just bring that element to everything.
J Parker: Yeah, when I originally was naming my ministry, I started out with hot and holy. And actually there was a, a blog that somebody else had started
Dan: Uhhuh,
J Parker: about that, and I was like, you know what? I just don’t even think it’s [00:04:00] complete yet. There’s something missing. And then
Dan: Uhhuh.
J Parker: with the humorous, I was like, that’s it, because kind of can’t help but let my humor come out. And also sex itself can be humorous. So,
Dan: absolutely.
J Parker: anyway.
Dan: That’s so good. So, today I wanna talk about higher desire wives. When was the first time you realized in your own life that you’re the one with a higher desire?
J Parker: well I have been everything in my marriage, so we were pretty well matched when we were first married. And so, and there are percentage of couples that are pretty well matched, and that was us for the new newlywed years. And then we had kids and everything changed and I had. Very little desire. I still enjoyed
Dan: Uhhuh,
J Parker: but I
Dan: uh,
J Parker: have this independent drive to do it.
Dan: uh.
J Parker: And then kind of got out of that season and then I came back up and I [00:05:00] realized at some point we, we were matched again and then, huh? passed him up. And so I would say that was probably, early forties, something like that.
Dan: Okay,
J Parker: When
Dan: Uhhuh.
J Parker: you know, getting there and that there were numerous reasons for that, but it’s a common thing actually for many of the higher desired wives to realize kind of as the kids have grown up, as maybe their hormones have shifted a little bit, and also they feel more in their bodies and know sexually what works better for them,
Dan: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
J Parker: start to really lean into that.
And something like, huh. I have more desire, and at the same time, from men aging. What I’ve heard, even for higher desire men, is they say the urgency can kind of go away,
Dan: It kind of peters out a little or whatever. Uhhuh.
J Parker: so, and that’s partly is because the, uh, [00:06:00] decline of testosterone, but also because, you know, men don’t have as much time and their stress and there’s just numerous things that that happened with all that.
So how it happened for me. Some wives out there are higher desire from the I do, and some get there at a different season.
Dan: So, did you feel alone in it being a higher desire wife in that season?
J Parker: completely, not just alone. I mean, I knew there were
Dan: Uh
J Parker: out there,
Dan: mm-hmm.
J Parker: when I thought, oh, well, if I’m wanting sex so much more than he does, what does that say about him? But what does that say about me? And kind of thought one. women who are like that, are they, well, I’ll just use the word.
Are they nfo? Am I
Dan: Uh
J Parker: Is there
Dan: uh,
J Parker: wrong? And so I thought, well, I don’t think I am, in which case, maybe I’m just alone in this. And you also feel [00:07:00] alone in terms of some distance from your husband in that moment,
Dan: Mm-hmm.
J Parker: abnormal because not the scenario you may have heard about throughout your
Dan: Yeah. That’s not the story that you’ve been following all along and you don’t fit the story, so
J Parker: Yeah, and, and if you are around other wives and those wives are maybe complaining about their husbands wanting sex more or just saying, yeah, my husband’s always ready for sex. And then you’d think, well, all these wives, they don’t get me.
Dan: Right. Right, right.
So adding onto that, Jay, like there are a lot of men that believe a higher desire wife is kind of a fictional fantasy that they really don’t, they’re not out there. And, uh, especially lower desire husbands might be saying that out of defense. Like, no, no, no. Something’s wrong with you. It’s not me.
J Parker: Right, right. Actually, I’ve gotten some pushback since putting out this book and [00:08:00] you know, I’ve heard stories of. Higher desire men who have only had that experience and have kind of been in circles where they’ve only heard about that experience. And
Dan: Mm-hmm.
J Parker: they’re saying things like, oh, well yeah, you know, there aren’t many of such wives.
Or, well, after those 10 women in the world read your book, who else is gonna benefit? Or things like that. And I’m like,
Dan: Uh,
J Parker: you know what? It’s not 10 women. I’ll tell you there’s actually been, uh, some. Research out there. And so I dug deep for this book because I wanted to know how many of us are out there?
Dan: right.
J Parker: you
Dan: What’s Uhhuh?
J Parker: I looked at a bunch of studies through the years and I concluded, there’s no way. It’s less than 15% of marriages. I just, I can’t find any statistics less than that,
Dan: Right, right,
J Parker: far more likely it’s 20 to 25% of marriages. So that means every one in four or five. [00:09:00] Married couples out there, she is wanting sex more than he is.
And the reason you’re
Dan Purcell: right.
J Parker: hearing about that sometimes is because Those people have felt alone, not just the higher desire wives who may not wanna speak up and share their experience because they already feel like a freak, but also lower desire husbands. I mean, how difficult that must be to be in a group of men and say, actually, I don’t want sex as much as my wife.
And maybe have some guy look at you like, well then gimme your man card, you
Dan: right, exactly.
J Parker: And
Dan: Uh.
J Parker: it’s a perpetuates itself in that a lot of people stay silent, and so then we don’t think it’s as many people as it is when it actually is a prevalent issue.
Dan: I’ve also worked with couples in my coaching practice where she is the higher desired spouse, but after like the death by a thousand paper cuts of rejection, she shuts down her sexuality. in a [00:10:00] way that, now it’s like, oh, who’s the higher desire Now in the marriage, she otherwise would be, but maybe if she were surveyed, she wouldn’t report.
She is because of how painful it has been for her to be in that position. So she’s put herself in a lower desire position.
J Parker: That’s entirely true and I think that’s something that also higher desire husbands out there probably can relate to is just saying, I can’t, I can’t put myself out there anymore. I. Um, and I know that’s something we’ll probably be talking about, but it’s not getting a single no, but when you get the sense that your spouse does not desire this physical connection the way that you desire it, because it means something about intimacy to you,
Dan: Uh huh.
J Parker: you feel personal.
Dan: Right?
J Parker: when that continues, it’s just hard to do. And at some point you say, do I really wanna put myself out there?
Dan: Mm-hmm.
J Parker: have my heart [00:11:00] injured again?
Dan: It’s a very natural response to that kind of a dynamic.
J Parker: Yeah. Yeah. And I think that’s why some people actually
Dan: Mm-hmm.
J Parker: desire too, is that they have suppressed their sexuality they struggle to get back in there. Um, you know, song of Songs says three different times. The, the advises do not awaken love until it’s so desires, which is, you know, saying wait for the right context and everything.
But there’s this idea that if that’s true. Then you might need to awaken it. As I’ve
Dan: yes.
J Parker: some people wake up very quickly. If you’re that morning person that you just, your eyes open and you’re like, boom, I’m outta bed. Let me get my coffee. The birds are singing. you could be like the way I wake up, which is like, there’s no talking for 30 minutes and let me slowly come to life. Well, the same thing is true is I think sometimes we need to understand how desire works. Recognize that when we’re talking about a higher desire [00:12:00] or low desire, these are things that we experience,
Dan: Mm-hmm.
J Parker: is understanding that you can awaken it.
Dan: Yes. you can’t awaken it. So what are the common emotional experiences that higher desired wives face that often get overlooked? It’s, easy to say what men have, ’cause I think that’s a little bit louder in our current culture. Uh, but what, what gets overlooked then for the women’s experience being the higher desire spouse?
J Parker: interesting. ’cause I think sometimes people have said, well, you don’t really need anything special for higher desired wives because all you do is just take the advice out there and just flip it. And there are definitely things about the advice to higher desired husbands and lower desire wives that you can flip.
Dan: Uh.
J Parker: could you say there’s a slightly different emotional experience. If you’re a husband who is not getting as much sex as he wants in his marriage, probably not thinking. because I must be unattractive and ugly.
Dan: Uh, [00:13:00] right.
J Parker: are not thinking, well, we are really abnormal because that’s
Dan: Uh.
J Parker: you’ve heard.
But for hired desire wives, a lot of the things that they, they experience is, not be attractive. And part of the reason is sometimes if you say, my husband is not engaging with me as often as I’d like. The advice given is, well, you just need to put on some lum, duray and some lipstick and go in there and seduce your husband. And then if you do that and it doesn’t work well, the I, the idea passed off to you was basically be prettier, be
Dan: Uh
J Parker: be
Dan: uh.
J Parker: inviting. And then if it doesn’t work, you’re like, well, then I guess I’m not, and there must
Dan: right.
J Parker: I’m, I’m ugly. And also we, we wives. Well, women everywhere are kind of already primed to have body image issues by the world.
Dan: Yeah, that’s true. Yes. Uhhuh.
J Parker: So, you know, this can be seen as evidence for what we were already [00:14:00] nervous about. there’s also just that lone innocence sense of isolation. Does anyone understand what I’m going through? There’s feeling like that freak, that abnormal thing. And I think another issue is a lot of wives immediately worry that he is being, unfaithful in some way
Dan: Right. That’s a easy place for them to think like he’s probably getting it somewhere else and that’s why he’s not pursuing me. Uhhuh
J Parker: And some of that is born of the idea that, well, all men want sex
Dan: Uhhuh.
J Parker: The idea that that, that some women have been raised with the idea that you can’t really necessarily trust men and,
Dan: Yes. Mm-hmm.
J Parker: so the, again, you’ve been primed, so now your experience makes you think, well, he’s obviously on me, or this or that, or he would wanna have sex with me and. I’ll just say right now, sometimes that’s true. Okay.
Dan: Mm-hmm.
J Parker: Sometimes a man is being unfaithful, particularly with pornography, which is one of the big reasons why some men [00:15:00] are, are with lower desire.
Dan: Mm-hmm.
J Parker: but it’s not always true and we can go there so quickly.
Dan: Mm-hmm. Right.
J Parker: make the assumption instead of trying to figure out all the reasons that might be going into this situation.
Dan: So what’s some more helpful questions to ask yourself when you’re in that situation where you really feel, like you’ve done everything, you’ve, you’ve followed the advice
J Parker: Yeah,
Dan: didn’t quite work out.
J Parker: yeah. Well, I think the first thing is to start out with some curiosity about what’s going on. I.
Dan: Yes.
J Parker: what’s going on with you? What does sex mean to you? That is one of the biggest questions I I tell people now to ask themselves, what does sex mean to you? And is this coming from a good, healthy place for you? Most of the time it is most of the time
Dan: Her
J Parker: wife really wants more connection with her husband, and she really feels loved and intimate when they’re [00:16:00] making love.
Dan: Uhhuh.
J Parker: Sometimes the answer is, Hmm, something’s going on. I have an extra high desire because I’m seeking something that sex isn’t intended to give, or I have stirred up my interest somewhere else. And now
Dan: Mm-hmm.
J Parker: taken off. I, I, I’m thinking of, of course, we talked about pornography on the other side, it could be that the woman’s watching pornography or she’s reading erotica or something like that. And so I
Dan: Uh.
J Parker: the first thing is to ask yourself, you know, kind of where is my desire?
And is this a good, healthy desire? Like I said, most of the time the answer is yes. And so
Dan: Right.
J Parker: true, then ask yourself, why is there this gap? going on in my life that is making me more open to sex and what’s going on in his life is presenting barriers to him, engaging,
Dan: Mm-hmm.
J Parker: what, what could be going on with his view of sex, with his, um, physical health, his background, know, with other things he [00:17:00] doing, other places he could be expending his energy.
Dan: Right, and I can speak to, there’s been periods in my own marriage where I’ve been the lower desire spouse. My wife has a higher desire spouse, and in those moments there is a bit of like, wait a minute, it shouldn’t be this way. I. Something’s wrong with me. I like, and when I spiral down that it actually drives my desire even further away because now I’m freaking out about the fact that, you know, I’m lower desire or whatever.
So the problems tend to compound. It’s usually not just one thing.
J Parker: That’s so true, and I think it’s especially true of men. One of the things that I’ve noticed with this combination with a higher desire wife and lower desire husband, is that men define themselves typically more than women do, about being potent, being capable,
Dan: Yes. What they do
J Parker: Yeah. What they do.
Dan: by doing, yes,
J Parker: to go to a new social event, y’all are like, Hey,
Dan: five minutes, you know what everyone does? Yes.
J Parker: And [00:18:00] um, um, we now live in a 55 plus community and my husband’s retired. And even here, these
Dan: Uhhuh,
J Parker: like, very quickly, they’ll get into one of two things. What activities are you involved in because that’s what are you capable about?
Dan: red
J Parker: then the other one is, what job did you retire from?
Dan: Uhhuh,
J Parker: Okay. gals could be talking about our kids, our homes,
Dan: Uhhuh
J Parker: you know,
Dan: fashion, you know? Uh
J Parker: it could be anything. But men want to feel capable
Dan: mm-hmm.
J Parker: sometimes when they don’t feel capable. Regarding the sexual intimacy. If they feel like my wife is not satisfied with me, or I can’t do this, or, you know, some of the other issues, if you’ve had a erectile dysfunction, you know, even
Dan: Right?
J Parker: um, or whatever it is, and you think, I can’t even do this well, and some part of you is just like, well, don’t even try.
Dan: Yep, exactly. I don’t wanna face an opportunity to be embarrassed, so I’d rather just shut it [00:19:00] down or avoid it,
J Parker: Yeah.
Dan: uh, or whatever.
J Parker: yeah. And I, I, I now advise, wives to really think through how they’re going to say these things to their husband, to just be cognizant of that and make sure that we are affirming his manhood and affirming his capability in our eyes. and saying, you know what, this is a we thing.
Let’s figure this out together. And it’s the, the reason I want you in my bed, husband is because I think you’re very capable and I wanna be there with you.
Dan: Right, right. Exactly.
J Parker: Yeah.
Dan: And maybe also ’cause men are so intent on the doing nature, sometimes it really interferes with great sex because they’re so focused on the doing. It’s the process, it’s the performance.
J Parker: Yeah.
Dan: sex, you can shift that frame together as a couple, and I’ve seen this so many times when it’s about, no, we’re here to just enjoy each other, to thoroughly enjoy each other.
Who cares? What happens or what comes of this pun intended, like it’s gonna be great. Uhhuh.[00:20:00]
J Parker: Right. You know, even a quote unquote failed sexual encounter is still a sexual encounter. And it didn’t fail because it brought you together
Dan: Yes.
J Parker: created greater intimacy between you. so, and the truth is too, one of the best things you can do for any intimacy area in your marriage, not just sexual intimacy, but emotional or recreational, whatever, is show up. Just show up and say, okay, I don’t know it, it’s okay that you’re, you’re a participant. You don’t have to be the MVP of everything, every time. And, and the more you do it, the the better it will be.
Dan: Yeah. Yeah. All right. Let’s shift the conversation to a little bit like this. And I think this,
J Parker: Yeah.
Dan: whether the hired desire husband or hired desire wife, there might be a point in time where you’ve asked yourself, maybe I married the wrong person.
J Parker: Uh, yeah.
Dan: you look across the other side and there’s men who want their [00:21:00] wives, they’re pursuing their wives, they want more from them, and the the wife is frigid in that case, like if only.
I had that guy, then we wouldn’t have this sexual desire difference. That’s a common thought. How do you work through that one?
J Parker: Absolutely. In fact, it was probably a couple of weeks ago that I was hearing from some hard desire wives who said that very thing that is like so hard because they think, well, if I had married another guy, they would be so that they married me.
Dan: Yes, Uhhuh.
J Parker: But then we all remind ourselves there’s a reason we get picked.
The guy that we liked, and it wasn’t, wasn’t just the sex of course,
Dan: Uh,
J Parker: we want this person. I think , two issues is that have been taught from different. But Christians have also picked them up is a lot of the secular world. We’ll talk about sexual compatibility.
Dan: yes.
J Parker: compatible with this person? This is one of the reasons that they say you should have sex before marriage is because you should make sure that you’re compatible.
Dan: Yeah, it’s the test drive concept.
J Parker: yeah, yeah, yeah. [00:22:00] Well, as, as you know, we’ve already demonstrated in our conversation your sexual interest and capacity could change over the course of marriage, so. Even if you were sexually compatible as my husband and I were on day one of our marriage, doesn’t mean that we didn’t have struggles, challenges, things to work out later on. So you don’t, you’re not a static person where you just, you’re either compatible or not. That’s
Dan: Right.
J Parker: silly concept. the other thing that we’ve had in the church, a lot of times people have picked up the sexual prosperity message,
Dan: Okay. If I do everything right, my, my marriage and my sex life will be amazing with no issues and no problems.
J Parker: and it could be you did everything right on the way to marriage. you maintained your sexual integrity, waited for the wedding night. The other idea is, you know, we’re doing everything else right, or I’m, being a really, really good wife,
Dan: Mm-hmm.
J Parker: God rewarding me with this[00:23:00]
Dan: Yes.
J Parker: Those two things, I think combine to make us feel like you either fit or you don’t.
Dan: Yeah.
J Parker: it or you
Dan: Uhhuh.
J Parker: But there’s a much better way to look at this. And there’s really good research on this too. It’s just the idea of a sexual growth mindset. idea is that if you go in to your sexual relationship, recognizing scripture tells us that. We are not all living in perfect Eden right now, and that life presents challenges. And if you see those challenges as just part of being in a sexual relationship with your spouse, then you’ll actually weather them pretty well. You’ll take a growth mindset and say, you know what? Here’s a challenge. Let’s figure out how to work it out. And we’re gonna have to do this numerous times over the course of our marriage as we. And even if it’s not desire, even if your sexual desires stayed the same, your whole lives, you’ll have to negotiate something else. Believe me, an age now that [00:24:00] my husband and I are having to rethink sexual positions because. Joints hurt, you know, and we, and for our bodies don’t get aroused in the same way that they used to.
So you will have things you have to figure out. it doesn’t mean you married the wrong person. It means that you married the person you loved and they married the person they love, y’all can figure this out. You just have to recognize it’s kind of part of the deal.
Dan: And I think believing otherwise is a fantasy and I don’t think it does any net good for your existing relationship. ’cause it’s a distraction from the real work of what is this, what is this marriage dynamic right now teaching me what I need to do to grow, like as you said, it’s, it’s that growth.
J Parker: we don’t really like to have to go through tough stuff to have personal growth.
Dan: No, we don’t. Do we?
J Parker: Um, and, and I, and I, and I just as I laugh about that, ’cause I’m laughing
Dan: Uh,
J Parker: too, I know though that somebody out there [00:25:00] is going through something, a challenge that’s far worse than this will just personally grow me. They’re in, in a
Dan: yeah.
J Parker: situation. So I, I wanna say I, I have compassion for that enormously. I’m not saying that I think you’re supposed to be in a terrible situation, a terrible mismatch here,
Dan: No. No.
J Parker: which is why we’re talking about this and we’re talking about ways to deal with it.
Dan: Mm-hmm.
J Parker: yeah, it is an opportunity for growth.
Dan: Talk more about just this idea. I just wanna be desired. Uh, if only he’d just initiate little more often. He’s so distracted with work projects, kids, school, whatever. I just, I just feel like. He doesn’t think about me. I just wanna be wanted.
J Parker: Yeah, that is huge. And actually having heard from higher desire spouses, men and women, this is something I hear all the time, is that they don’t want their spouse to. To come as like to schlep [00:26:00] themselves to the bedroom as a duty and be like, okay, I guess we’ll check this off my to-do list. That’s, that’s
Dan: one likes that Uhuh.
J Parker: well, and if, and if someone is doing that, don’t do that.
That is
Dan: No,
J Parker: is pressure. It’s not okay. Don’t do
Dan: it’s not. Yeah. There’s no heart. It’s also there’s no heart in it.
J Parker: Yeah, but what really? But yeah, but most people, it’s not just that they want a sexual release, they want to be desired.
Dan: Yes.
J Parker: One of the scriptures that I’ve said is kind of the higher desire wife mantra is the one that says, I belong to my beloved, and his desire is for me,
Dan: Yes. Uhhuh.
J Parker: we want to feel.
Dan: Mm-hmm.
J Parker: so in that case though, I think that. You should express that to your
Dan: Mm-hmm.
J Parker: and let them know, listen, I don’t want you to just do this out of duty. I want you to enjoy it, that I believe that this is supposed to be [00:27:00] mutually desired and satisfying. It
Dan: Yeah.
J Parker: equally and satisfying, but you should both want and enjoy it. I’m letting ’em know what it’s about, that it’s not about release, but it’s about the connection you feel and maybe even describe that feels like to you when we’re together. I just feel like there’s this bond between us that our hearts are just merging or, our bodies are are, you know, a single. That truly are the one flesh
Dan: Mm-hmm.
J Parker: we’ve come back together like lock and key or whatever you wanna describe, but tell them that kind of stuff.
Dan: Mm-hmm.
J Parker: And also I would say ask your spouse who’s lower desire than you? What is it in our marriage that we do that makes you feel particularly close to me? And make sure you pay attention to that and do that for them, but then also say, that’s what sex [00:28:00] feels like to me.
Dan: That’s good. That kind of helps paint the picture for them. They see what it is. Also, maybe a re related question is, what do I do that drives you away?
J Parker: Oh,
Dan: It could be, because we want something. I want you to desire me. I. That we use that as the basis for a lot of criticism with our spouse thinking we can criticize them enough.
We, we don’t think it’s criticism at the time. We think it’s corrections suggesting or other other Yeah. Helping right. Nudging to kind of get what we want. Um, and you know, it’s criticism ’cause it’s thankless in it. and we think we can mold their behavior through criticizing, and probably we get that from our family of origin.
Parents kind of tend to do that with their kids by telling them all the things they’re doing wrong and the hopes that their child will make better decisions. But you do that to your spouse, it can really drive someone away Also.
J Parker: That’s a good point too, because actually with our kids, a lot of times that does come from a really good place [00:29:00] because we have learned a lot in life and we’re wanting to share our wisdom with our kids, but we can kind of like spill it all out and it comes out as, you know, as you said, here’s all the things you’re doing wrong um, we can. Come to our spouses with good intentions too, and blow it in how we say it, how things come across, what we’re doing. So it’s really good to ask about those obstacles. I think you’ve referred to them before as like breaks or something.
Dan: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
J Parker: on the breaks
Dan: Yep.
J Parker: So yeah, love that point.
Dan: So
in preparation for this episode, I asked my Facebook group, of which we have many higher desired wives in there, and everyone’s welcome. one woman said this, sometimes I wonder if I’m considered higher desired spouse because I’m not as sexually satisfied as my husband.
He orgasms almost every time and then rolls over and goes to sleep. But what about me? I don’t feel well sexed. can you explain how I can help improve my dynamic?
J Parker: Yeah. Wow. What a great question. And I have heard this from [00:30:00] more than one hard desire wife too. I love that you have all those ladies in your community. I actually have a community too, of hard desire wives, so it’s really good for these wives to not feel alone and have places to go and. This is an issue.
I think sometimes a wife can be a little more assertive pursuing sex because it’s not going as much as she would like, or it’s not totally there, and so she’s kind of chasing success
Dan: Mm-hmm.
J Parker: it’s a little like. It’s a little like, you’re, you’re not really having the meal that’s say to you, you know,
Dan: Right.
J Parker: you came there and you had rice cakes and you ate rice cakes in it.
And yeah, that was great, but you really
Dan: I’m still hungry.
J Parker: meal.
Dan: Uh.
J Parker: You’re still hungry and so you needed the whole thing and there really is an orgasm gap. I think that. It’s about the 90% range or something like that of men who orgasm every time
Dan: Mm-hmm.
J Parker: in the [00:31:00] sixties for women who orgasm every time.
Dan: Mm-hmm.
J Parker: that I think is because we don’t have enough information out there for how women orgasm.
Dan: Mm-hmm.
J Parker: Which I’m, I’m sure you’ve dealt with that, that it’s,
Dan: Right.
J Parker: not just intercourse and that there are other options to help your wife reorganize them. So if this wife doesn’t know all that stuff, well, she’s got plenty of stuff in the, in the, in your content there that she can read about and my stuff too. But sometimes it’s that. another thing though is it may be some of her own hormones and body stuff, so I always say that if you’re really struggling to reach orgasm, talk to your healthcare provider because there could be something going on that you don’t know about.
Dan: Something physiological, right? It’s not just in your head, it could be in your body, right?
J Parker: and if something, if there is something that could be resolved, resolved that another issue is it usually takes a lot longer for her to get there
Dan: Mm-hmm.
J Parker: Sorry guys. You’re gonna have to be patient. You’re [00:32:00] gonna have to put in some more effort. It’s just how we’re made. And so maybe she hasn’t had the chance.
Or maybe when sex is over. She feels like it’s over. He feels like it’s over. And it might be that you need to speak up and say, that was great, but I’m not done. Can you stay here and do this? Or, or, you know, kiss me even while I do whatever, you know, keep seeking that and speaking up and saying, this is something I definitely want. and so I would just be really focusing on figuring out what’s going on and how to get you there. Be willing to speak up and say, this is what it’s gonna take for me to really feel satisfied and great about this experience.
Dan: Great. Now I’m hoping you’re willing to get a little personal here, but I wanna hear about your breakthrough moments for you in your own marriage as the hired desire wife. Are there any stories where you had some really good [00:33:00] conversations or some inflection points, some, real wins in your understanding with your husband as you both have had the challenges working through this?
J Parker: Well, let me say first of all, for those wives out there who have experienced a lot of emotional pain for this, do get it the sense that I, I can recall moments where I rolled over and fell asleep crying
Dan: Mm-hmm.
J Parker: because I had repeatedly tried to initiate sex and. It didn’t happened, and I was wondering, what’s wrong with me?
What’s going on? Is he done with me? Is this the rest of our marriage? even though lots of other things in our marriage were going well, I
Dan: Uh,
J Parker: it just, I understand those emotions and how the, the negative stuff can just crowd everything else out in your mind and it can feel like a pile on and you’re very hurt.
So I’m saying all that. So you kind of know that. That’s where we started. Okay.[00:34:00]
Dan: uh,
J Parker: So,
Dan: uh.
J Parker: it wasn’t good. but, there were several moments that I could say one of the big ones was when we went on vacation.
Dan: Uh huh
J Parker: went, uh, we actually went on a cruise and, got away. And the, the beautiful thing about the cruise is that there was a point at which our phones no longer worked.
Dan: Uhhuh. No more distractions.
J Parker: Uhhuh, no more distractions. And my husband, who had a very demanding job and was always working, working too much if you ask me, and when he wasn’t working, was activities with our sons, or at the church, suddenly he was like, Hey, let’s go. And I was like, wait a minute. And I thought, I have my husband back.
Dan: Uh
J Parker: I realized that was a moment. I was like, this is not about me.
Dan: mm-hmm.
J Parker: about me. And he’d been telling me it’s not about you. But that’s when it really hit home there was other stuff [00:35:00] going on. And now that I knew, well, it’s about the stress, it’s about the schedule, it’s about, you know, location or, or other things.
And sometimes actually some relational conflict we were having, to be honest at the time. But once I realized it was all of that, then I could say, okay, I, I can let go of all this stuff on my deal and we can just work the, the problem.
Dan: You could be less anxious about it yourself
J Parker: Yeah,
Dan: Right
J Parker: the other thing that happened is I basically talked to him about all the stuff and how I was feeling,
Dan: Uhhuh.
J Parker: began to, to verbally and affectionately reassure me that he loved me, wanted me, enjoyed our time together, thought I was beautiful, all those things. And so, and Lord desire husbands out there. Lower desire spouses actually, of both sides even. You don’t have to want sex as much as your spouse, but if you could reassure them.
Dan: Uhhuh.
J Parker: [00:36:00] do want to be with them,
Dan: Mm-hmm.
J Parker: a long way. And so that really helped. And then I’ll give you one other, the practical.
And so we started kind of working our way back and doing better and better and better and, and getting more and more on the same page on this. But then there was moment when I decided that I would kind of flip a switch from initiation to availability.
Dan: Okay,
J Parker: So what I started doing more, not every time, sometimes I would certainly initiate,
Dan: Uhhuh.
J Parker: I would just say like, you know, Hey, I’m really in the mood, and so you’re, you’re busy right now.
I said, but I’m gonna go to bed, and so I’m gonna be reading for about 20 minutes. If you wanna come in there and engage, I’ll be there for about 20 minutes, completely available
Dan: Uh.
J Parker: and let me know or just come on in. And then just told myself. All right. I, I’m available, but I’m not getting a, no, [00:37:00] I’m not assuming it’s gonna happen. I’m just leaving the, the window open
Dan: Right.
J Parker: and so if it didn’t happen, I wasn’t nearly as disappointed.
Dan: But you had to be genuine in that it’s not a tactic, it’s not a trick, it’s not a strategy.
J Parker: Right.
Dan: You have to be really okay with him accepting or not accepting your offer.
J Parker: the interesting thing is he actually started accepting more in my case,
Dan: probably ’cause he made it easy for him to say yes or no without punishment.
J Parker: Exactly. And so it was that, and so the kind of, the pressure was off. It also gave him time to think through, am I interested or could I get interested and also I sometimes had planted to think, well, I’m gonna be, you know, I’m gonna go put on this and I’m
Dan: Uh,
J Parker: in the bedroom. And then maybe I set the visual in his head
Dan: uh.
J Parker: get things going. So, but you’re right. I had to believe it and I did. I finally was like, you know what? I’m just gonna offer up when I’m available. And it happens, or it doesn’t [00:38:00] happen. that really helped because, uh, yeah. I mean, we had more successes after that.
Dan: That’s good. That helps. ’cause now you’re using things like anticipation to help. Sometimes for like lower desired spouses. It feels like an intrusion. Sex feels like an intrusion. Often the other person wants it and like, uh, uh uh no. But when you kind of set that stage and kind of like, no, this is an invitation, I think it really helped that moment go a lot little, a lot easier in that case.
I’m not saying this is gonna work for every couple listening to this of course, but
J Parker: But,
Dan: is what
J Parker: just giving up my personal stuff. So this is
Dan: Yeah. Yeah.
J Parker: and I mean, that’s one of the ideas in my book, but there are a lot of others
Dan: Uh.
J Parker: for ways to, you know, just approach sex a little differently, to, to hopefully have more times together, fewer missed connections.
Dan: Great. Great. So Jay, as we close up here, I think as we try to close the desire gaps in our marriages, and I know it takes [00:39:00] time, but, what is it that you want people to walk away with or hear from you as they work through it out in their relationship?
J Parker: Yeah, it definitely is a process, a process worth doing. But I’ve often said that the people I know who’ve made a really big turnaround in the sex life in their marriages, all told me it’s taken a year or more. I. Um, but
Dan: Mm-hmm.
J Parker: all said they would do it over again in a heartbeat. but as you do that, I think you really do need to pay attention to your, your individual self as well. Okay? So we’re, I’m in a one flush relationship with my husband and I’m very tied to him. And what happens to him matters to me. What happens to me matters to him.
Dan: Right.
J Parker: are. Connected in that way, the same time, we each have some responsibility for caring for our own hearts, our own minds, for having our own relationship with God and believing what he says about [00:40:00] us, which is that you are wanted, you are loved, are worthwhile.
Dan: Mm-hmm.
J Parker: you do. You should have a pleasure. Your sex life
Dan: Uhhuh.
J Parker: and, and God did make that for you, for each of you. And so I think as we’re working on all this, we just need to embrace those truths and yeah. And just know that of God’s got us in his hand as we pursue the design that he intended us for, us to have in our marriage.
Dan: Mm-hmm. That’s really good. Where can people go to find your latest book and more information about what you do?
J Parker: Yeah, so the Higher Desire wife and I always have to read the subtitle because I can never remember it, understanding it’s long understanding and Help for Christian women navigating mismatched sex drives. Okay, so you can find it. The best place to buy this or the cheapest place to buy this is Baker Book House. directly from the publisher. They have a [00:41:00] 30% off, but. If you’ve got your Amazon account or your favorite places to buy, it’s anywhere and everywhere that books are sold. And, uh, you may have, you may wanna provide a link where, you know, that gives you a little kickback or something if people buy through you. Um, but yeah, so it’s everywhere there and they can find me@hotholyhumorous.com. And I’m also on Facebook, Instagram. I know you’re very active on Instagram. I’m trying to do more, it’s a little outside my comfort zone to be so image driven. I’m a word girl, but I’m getting on there more and people can find me there.
Dan: Very good. Thank you.
J Parker: Thanks so much. Appreciate you having me on.
Dan Purcell: Thank you for listening to this episode, please share it along with our apps and timidly us. And just between us with their married friends. I promise they will thank you for life. If you want a more meaningful sexual and intimate connection in your marriage, I invite you to check out my, get your marriage on [00:42:00] program.
Over a hundred couples have said this program packs tremendous value and has helped their intimacy grow to the next level. Now go get your marriage on.
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