What’s the difference between having sex and truly making love?
In this episode, we’re talking about how to bring your whole self—your body, mind, heart, and soul—into your intimate moments with your spouse.
You’ll hear powerful stories of real couples who felt disconnected in their sex lives, even with consistent physical intimacy. Together, we’ll explore what it means to move from mechanical, eyes-closed sex to something deeper and richer: emotional presence, vulnerability, and connection.
If you’ve ever felt alone after sex… if your body is there but your heart feels miles away… this episode is for you. You’ll learn what “eyes open sex” looks like in real life, why we sometimes hide from true intimacy, and how small, intentional shifts can lead to transformational closeness in your marriage.
Whether you’re looking to reignite connection or take your intimacy to the next level, this episode is packed with practical tools, encouragement, and hope.
Resources & Events:
- Men’s & Women’s Intimacy Coaching Cohorts – starting Sept 2
- Virtual Intimacy Getaway – Sept 26–27
- Free Masterclass
- Join the Private Facebook Group
Transcript
This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors or inaccuracies. For the most accurate and complete experience, we recommend listening to the full podcast episode.
Eyes Open Sex
Dan Purcell: [00:00:00] This is the difference between having sex and making love. Making love involves your whole self, your body, your emotions, your attention, your heart.
Have you ever noticed that in our culture, we often use the word intimacy as a euphemism for sex. Like when someone says, we were intimate last night, what they’re really talking about is they were having sex. But here’s something I’ve discovered in my work with couples that might surprise you. It’s entirely possible to have sex that’s not genuinely intimate at all.
Dan Purcell: Welcome to the Get Your Marriage On Podcast. Today I [00:01:00] wanna do a deep dive with you into love making. That’s actually about making love. In other words, bringing your full heart to each other. We’re talking about how to grow as a couple to make your intimacy more intimate. Before we jump in, I want to invite you to two important events coming up that you’ll definitely want to participate in.
First is on September 2nd, we’re starting our next round of our men’s and women’s cohorts. This is ideal for women or men that are ready to experience something different when it comes to intimacy in your marriage. These are small groups, limited to just six to 10 women or six to 10 men.
You’ll do a deep dive into all things intimacy in your marriage in a safe and supportive environment. Led by one of our expert coaches, a recent graduate of our women’s group, emailed me recently and she said that she was surprised at how safe she felt with the other ladies in her group and how much she had in common with them, and how wonderful it was to feel supported and seen, and she had lots of many aha moments.[00:02:00]
And that also made significant shifts for her in her marriage. You’ll find all those details on our website by going to get your marriage on.com, click on coaching and our women’s or men’s groups. You’ll also find the link below in the show notes. The second event you don’t wanna miss is our virtual intimacy getaway on September 26th or 27th.
This is where you send your kids to grandma’s, or you get your own hotel room or Airbnb and join me live Friday night, Saturday morning, and Saturday night in three sessions. For a special getaway for you and your spouse. This is ideal for couples that are looking for some fun and romance and want to explore something new sexually and grow closer together.
As a couple, I’ll guide you through specific techniques accompanied by sexy and fun homework assignments throughout the weekend, and I promise it’ll be a memorable romantic and. Sexually exciting weekend for the two of you. And this is an all new program format, different from what we’ve taught in our previous virtual getaways or retreats.
So [00:03:00] if you’ve attended one of those in the past, you’ll definitely want to attend this one too. You’ll find all these details on my website under events, or click on the link in the show notes below. Okay. We’re talking about how to have sexual experiences with your spouse that are also very intimate. And meaningful, and let me share a story that illustrates what I mean perfectly.
A few months ago, I was working with a couple, let’s call them Sarah and Mark. They’ve been married for eight years and came to me because their sex life felt mechanical and disconnected. Sarah told me We have sex regularly. Frequency isn’t our issue, but I feel lonely afterwards. I feel actually lonelier than when we started.
So when I dig deeper, this is what I learned. Mark would often initiate, they’d have their usual routine, you know, lights off, same position. She’d come, he’d come minimal talking, and afterwards they’d clean up and Mark would fall asleep while Sarah just lay there feeling emotionally distant from the man that she’d just been physically [00:04:00] connected to.
This is what I often call eyes closed sex. And I don’t mean that just literally, even if your eyes are open, you can still be having eyes close sex if you’re shielding part of your mind and heart going through the motion, so to speak, or treating sex like a physical transaction rather than an intimate connection.
Real intimacy my friends, involves a willingness to let yourself be known, coupled with a deep desire to understand your partner to one definition of intimacy that I like is into me. See, in other words, it’s those three words into me. See, it’s an invitation for your spouse to know you at a deeper level.
But intimacy can feel daunting and exposing, and is not for the weak of heart, right? It requires vulnerability, trust, and vulnerability always involves risk because it’s risky. We’re afraid of going there. So instead we say we want a more intimate marriage. But [00:05:00] when you look at the couple’s behavior, what they really want is to control and dictate what aspects of themselves they expose to their spouse, which isn’t actually being intimate.
Here’s a thought provoking question I want you to consider. When you have sex with your spouse, do you do it with your eyes open or closed? And I’m not just talking about the physical act of opening your eyelids, though that is part of it. I’m talking about whether you’re emotionally present, whether you’re allowing yourself to be seen and known.
Do you not do a lot of self editing? Are you able to be there in the raw with your full self and also accepting your spouse? Without requiring a lot of editing of themselves, just to be them, can you be really connected with this person that you’re sharing your body with?
For some couples, the level of intimacy required to maintain eye contact during sex might feel overwhelming. It’s easier to close your eyes, turn off the lights, and just have a quicker, less intimate [00:06:00] experience. Maybe you’ve caught yourself thinking or heard of others say, can you just hurry up and finish so we can get this over with?
It can be quite emotionally painful to realize that your partner or you. Preferred to avoid intimacy by keeping your eyes closed, metaphorically speaking. Let me tell you about another couple I worked with. Jennifer came to me frustrated because she felt like her husband, David was somewhere else during sex.
She said, I know his body is there, but it feels like his heart and his mind are checked out. When I talked to David, he admitted he often fantasized about other scenarios or just focus on the physical sensations to get to orgasm quickly, just to get through it, and he wasn’t very present with Jennifer at all.
This is the difference between having sex and making love. Making love involves your whole self, your body, your emotions, your attention, your heart. As I dug in deeper, David struggled to like himself. He had a difficult time being his own number one fan. [00:07:00] He spoke poorly about himself and had a negative self-image, and that negative self image permeated the marriage relationship.
Once I brought this to David’s attention. He could now see it for what it was. And we worked together on this. And I wanna give David all the credit here because he worked really hard in learning how to like himself.
He stopped criticizing himself. He started being gracious to himself when he’d make a mistake. He started to take care of his body and his health, and he started to feel better, and this gave him more self-confidence and it showed up in his work at his job as well as in his relationship with his wife and children.
Then when it came time to making love, he could confidently allow his wife to see him and let her in because he felt like he actually had a self that he could now share with her and like a virtuous cycle that opened other doors of their relationship, so, so that it could thrive.
so what does eyes open sex look like practically in your relationship? Well, let me [00:08:00] give you four ideas. First, it means being fully present. Instead of letting your mind wonder or rushing towards orgasm, you’re engaged with your spouse. In the moment you’re noticing their expressions, their breathing, their response, you’re appreciating this beautiful, amazing person that you get to share your life with.
Second, it involves opening your heart and your mind. You’re allowing yourself to be seen, not just physically, but emotionally, not just the good parts you want seen, but also the parts that you’re a little unsure of yourself. You’re allowing your spouse to see all of you. Shakespeare famously said that the eyes are the window to the soul, and I believe that’s true in this context.
When you keep your eyes open, metaphorically, or literally during sex, you’re not just sharing your body, but you’re inviting your spouse into your soul. You’re sharing your soul too. Third, it involves a willingness to know your spouse’s heart and mind. This is a two-way street. This is about genuinely [00:09:00] wanting to know the whole person of your spouse without being threatened by the differences that you have.
It’s giving him or her space to be themselves and honoring it. And fourth, it requires courage to actually slow down. Eyes open. Sex isn’t about efficiency or getting to the finish line. It’s about connection, pleasure, and intimacy. It takes courage to linger in those vulnerable moments of connection. So let me give you some practical ways to move towards more eyes.
Open sex in your marriage. First try having sex with the lights on. I know this can feel scary for some couples, but being able to see each other and see more of each other kind of creates this opportunity for deeper connection too. Start small. Might just be a candle or a soft lamp. Second, practice making eye contact during foreplay and sex.
If this feels too intense at first, start with brief moments of eye contact and gradually increase. Look into each other’s eyes with gentle eyes while [00:10:00] you’re touching and when you’re transitioning between activities or maybe even during climax. Third, talk to each other during sex. Share what you’re feeling, what you’re enjoying, what you appreciate about your spouse or what you appreciate in that moment.
Things like, I love being with you, or, I like this, or I like it when you touch me that way. Or You are so beautiful. Simple words like that can create a strong emotional connection Next. focus on your spouse’s pleasure as much as your own eyes open. Sex is generous and other focused.
Pay attention to what they’re experiencing and enjoying
Another practical tip is to slow down and savor the experience. Instead of rushing towards orgasm or making this a concrete finish line, make the time together be about spending time together regardless of an outcome like orgasm. This forces you instead to linger on the present, linger in the moments of connection and pleasure.
And my last [00:11:00] practical tip is to savor the moment, not to be morbid, but what if somehow you knew that one of you would pass away tomorrow, and today was the last day, your last time making love? How would you approach each other differently? What feelings of belonging, expressions of gratitude or desires would you like to make known to your spouse?
Approaching sex in this way may help you open your heart and your eyes. And make it more intimate. Now, I know some of you might be thinking, Dan, this sounds nice in theory, but we’ve been having eyes close sex for years. How can we change this pattern? Well, I’m glad you asked because this is exactly the kind of deeper work we help couples with in our coaching program because here’s what I’ve learned in my practice, the inability to have eyes open sex is usually a symptom of deeper intimacy challenges in the relationship with each other or with one’s relationship with one’s self.
Maybe one or both of you struggle with accepting your body in a way [00:12:00] that makes you want to hide during sex. Or maybe there’s been a hurt or betrayal of trust that’s created emotional walls, or maybe there are resentments that have accumulated underdressed over the years, or maybe as a child or a youth, you never learned what it actually felt like to be loved.
So letting your spouse love you is hard for you to accept. Maybe you’ve never learned how to be vulnerable and emotionally present, especially during physical intimacy. These are the root issues and patterns that keep couples stuck in mechanical, disconnected sex, and they’re the very things we address in our program.
We help couples move from surface level sexual technique to the deeper intimacy work that transforms your entire relationship and changes who you are. I believe that sexual development is spiritual work. Let me share with you how Mark and Sarah’s story ended. If you recall, this is the couple at the beginning of this episode where sex felt more mechanical and where Mark would fall asleep.
After Sarah feeling [00:13:00] disconnected through our work together, they discovered that Mark was avoiding eye contact during sex because he felt ashamed about his body and Sarah was emotionally checking out because she felt like Mark really wasn’t choosing her. He was just using her body for release.
So as we work through these deeper issues, something beautiful happened and unfolded. They started having what Sarah calls soul, sex, physical intimacy that connected their hearts, not just their bodies. Sarah told me now when we make love, I feel seen and chosen and cherish. It’s like the difference between having a meal and sharing communion.
Okay, that’s the power my friends of eyes open sex. It transforms physical release into a spiritual deeper connection. It turns mechanical action into intimate communion. So here’s your challenge this week, try having sex with your eyes open, both literally and figuratively. Be present with your spouse and let yourself be seen and known.
Take time to really look at and [00:14:00] appreciate this person you get to share your life with. If this feels too vulnerable or exposing, that’s actually valuable information for you, right? It might be revealing to you or shining a spotlight on where you might have an opportunity for deeper healing or growth that needs to happen in your relationship.
So use this gift of imperfection as the impetus to do better and be better in your marriage. And if you find yourself wanting to go deeper with this work to address the root causes that keep you from a deeper intimate connection that you long for. You might be interested in the free class that I have on this topic on my website at Get Your Marriage on.com.
You go to the website and click masterclass and I have all the details there. Anyway, I’d love to hear how this goes on for you. Feel free to share your thoughts in our private Facebook group. Just search for Christian Couples improving sex and intimacy and marriage on Facebook, or check out the link in the show notes below.
That’s a direct link to our Facebook group request to join our community of couples who are committed to building a stronger, more intimate [00:15:00] marriage. All right. Thank you for listening. Next week we have some spicy topics as to ways to improve pleasure from intercourse, and a discussion about palacio.
You don’t wanna miss until then, my friends, keep your eyes open in every sense of the phrase. Now go get your marriage on.
