(This is a video from our YouTube archive, so be aware that the announcements will not be up-to-date. Please refer to resources and events below)
Hey friends, let me be honest with you – as a man speaking for many men, oral sex is a big deal to us. We love it. It’s incredibly pleasurable. But here’s what makes today’s episode so powerful: I’m sharing a conversation from a wife’s perspective about how she finds giving oral sex deeply pleasurable and meaningful.
Now, the beautiful thing about oral sex is that it’s inherently intimate. You’re giving your complete attention and focus to your spouse. There’s something vulnerable and connecting about the very act itself. So learning how to genuinely enjoy it – not just on the receiving end, but actually on the giving end – can be an incredible gift to your marriage.
I’m excited to bring this topic to you today because this is actually a conversation I recorded a few years ago that’s been sitting in the archives. I don’t think many of you have heard it, and honestly, the underlying principle is too powerful not to share again.
Here’s the thing – this isn’t just about technique tips for better oral sex, though we’ll cover some of that. It’s so much deeper. It’s about a complete attitude shift and reframe that can transform this part of your intimate life together.
If you’re ready to think differently about giving and receiving in the bedroom, you won’t want to miss this conversation.
Resources & Events:
- Men’s & Women’s Intimacy Coaching Cohorts – starting Sept 2
- Virtual Intimacy Getaway – Sept 26–27
- Free Masterclass
- Join the Private Facebook Group
Transcript
This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors or inaccuracies. For the most accurate and complete experience, we recommend listening to the full podcast episode.
All right. I admit as a man speaking for many men, blow jobs are a big deal. We love them. They’re super pleasurable, but what’s. Powerful about the podcast I’m about to share with you today is it’s from a wife’s perspective about, for her, she finds giving a blowjob so pleasurable. [00:01:00] Now, the act of giving oral sex in and of itself can be a very beautiful, very intimate activity ’cause you’re giving your entire attention and focus to the other person.
And it’s also very vulnerable, very intimate in the very act of it. So learning how to love it, not just on the receiving end, but actually on the giving end. Is a great gift you can give your marriage. So I’m so excited to bring this topic to the podcast today. Now this is actually a recording we did a few years ago.
It’s been a long time. So I want to bring it out of the archives ’cause I don’t think many of you have heard it. And I think the message, the underlying principle behind all of it is so powerful. And it’s not just about how to give a man better oral sex techniques, that’s, it’s so much more than that. It’s about a whole attitude and reframe.
So that’s what we get to cover today. I’m so excited to have you listen to this. Now I want to bring two events to your attention. The first is on September 2nd, we’re starting our cohorts for a men’s and women’s groups. This is something that we’ve done for a few [00:02:00] years now. Every once in a while we start a new cohort.
Now it, what it is, is it’s. It’s for six to 10 men or six to 10 women. We have a men’s and women’s group and it’s limited to that. And you are coached by one of our coaches, either myself or Tammy Amy, who work in our program, absolutely talented coaches, and we work through the Get Your Marriage On Program Curriculum.
It’s over 14 weeks long. And, uh, because of the attention, the small group, it’s actually a great safe place to, find out that you’re in community with other people in similar situations, and you get to learn and progress together The amount of ahas and insights you get, not just from yourself learning the material, but watching other people in your cohort.
And seeing their growth and progress is absolutely inspiring. In fact, it’s one of the, I think, our secret sauce of all the things that we do in our program. I think it’s one of the things that actually moves the needle the most in those that participate fully in it. [00:03:00] So it’s limited space. We have the openings coming up.
You don’t wanna miss it. all the details are on our website. You go to coaching and then you choose men’s or women’s groups. Okay, the second announcement, I’m excited about this one too. We have a virtual intimacy getaway that I’m inviting you to. It’s on the last weekend in September 26th and 27th, so this is how it works.
You’re going to either book a hotel room or send your kids to grandma’s house so you can be uninterrupted for about 48 hours. You’re gonna join me Friday night. Saturday morning and Saturday night in those three sessions, and it’s over webinar format, so you’re not on camera or anything weird like that.
Anyway, I’m gonna teach you some concepts. I’m going to give you specific techniques that all build on the next build on the next, and you are gonna walk away learning new sexual. Things that you and your spouse have likely never done before, that’s going to open up new doors of deeper intimacy and connection through your sexuality.
And [00:04:00] that’s the goal. It’s gonna be a fantastic, fun and spicy weekend for you and your spouse. Those details are on our website too. You click on events, you’ll see it there, or you can click the link in the show notes below. So that’s what we have coming up for you. Okay, ready? We’re gonna dive into this, podcast titled Blow Jobs aren’t just for husbands.
Danielle, welcome back to the Get Your Marriage On Podcast. I’m so glad that you’re here and I’m really looking forward to today’s topic.
Me too, and thanks for having me back. Yeah. So I wanted to ask you, because of your line of work and, and everything, we’re both sex and intimacy coaches.
Yep. Um, have you ever been, been in a situation where you. Your idea really stood out from the crowd. You didn’t realize it at first until after you said what you did. Like really, I’m the only one that thinks this. Y yeah. I mean, I, I have that often in, in a variety of different ways, being a sex coach, of course.
Right? Because number one, we’re talking about sex openly, but, you know, pertaining to [00:05:00] blow jobs in particular, this was way before I became, you know, a sex coach and just openly I was. Always been very open talking on the topic, and I just remember somehow blowjobs came up. Maybe it was at a book club or something, some gathering uhhuh.
I like. I literally do not remember like the context of what the gathering of women was, but mm-hmm. Blowjobs came up. And I was like, just like excitedly, like, oh my God, I just love ’em. Don’t you love ’em? And like the looks that I got was like, I was a crazy person. Like I was like this alien in the room, like how, you know, my enthusiasm number one.
Then my excitement and then my love for them. And I remember in that moment, because this was before I had done a lot of coaching work or mindset work or any of this kind of, you know, awareness of what’s happening in my brain, sort of. Thing, like how much shame I felt in that moment. Yes. And it just like, like, oh my gosh.
Like, I mean, number one, when you feel like you’re [00:06:00] distant from the crowd, shame can happen. Yes. Uhhuh. And then like, wait, am I, is that wrong? Like, am I supposed to not like this? Like I thought, like I think in a, in a group of men, You know, especially back then it would’ve been like, oh, like that’s awesome, that’s great.
And cheered kind of thing. Versus like in a group of like, you know, women and my peers where they were like, no, that’s not like birthday blowjob maybe, but only because it’s like his birthday, you know, and that kind of uhhuh approach. So yeah, it definitely, I was. Singled out there, and I just felt a lot of shame.
And there was a time period there where I just questioned a lot of this, like, where is this coming from? Like mm-hmm. Is this something I’m not supposed to? Like, does that make me like a bad, you know, um, like feminist or a quality or is this degrading or am I, you know, being dirty or like all these other messages that were given as women that were socialized around.
It [00:07:00] made me start questioning and like, Doubting my enjoyment of them. Mm-hmm. I didn’t stop enjoying them. Let’s just make it clear. I’ve always loved them. I’ve had a great time with them, but it did make me like pause and question and have like that kind of background of feeling of shame. Uhhuh not during so much, but afterwards.
And I think that’s really common for a lot of women and uh, that can really bring the mood down for sure. Yeah, definitely. That’s cool. So how did you work through that? Obviously it’s not an issue now. Yes. Yeah, it’s not an issue now. I mean, I think that it started just with the questioning, you know, that comes in with like, wait, am I wrong?
Like, is this wrong? And like kind of coming from that angle and what do I want to think about this? How do I want to feel about this? And I’m like, this is something that my partner and I. Really enjoy, you know, I mean mm-hmm. This was a, when I was talking to this group of [00:08:00] women, it was, um, you know, my husband now at the time that I was talking about it.
And it, it’s something that we really enjoyed. We both really loved it, and I was like, you know what, how we feel about this is way more important than how other people or society or anybody else feels. And, and then of course, meeting the shame in my body. I mean, there was layers to it, but. Really for that one, it didn’t feel, as hard for me to untangle.
It actually became harder, I think, later when I was deep into sex coaching Uhhuh cause so many of what, so much of the research and the things that I was looking into and all these things that I was doing, how much we’re presented our sexuality through the male lens of pleasure. Then made me question like, wait, do I only like this?
Because the way that I was presented with blowjobs made me think that this is what I should like, because it was through the mail lens of pleasure. So that was kind of like [00:09:00] a, a funky one for me to take a look at. And again, after questioning it and coming back down to it and asking myself, like getting in touch with my actual desire, I was like, no, I just.
Like them. Good. That’s good you took like that. Yeah. It’s it’s an internal moral compass. It’s an external moral compass. Yes. Yes. That is so cool. Well, I think your research is good, because it correlates with what my Instagram audience said, I, to prepare for this episode, I pulled my Instagram audience Love it.
I asked them like, do you incorporate oral sex into your lovemaking? And 80% said yes, which is. Pretty cool. Mm-hmm. Then I ask husbands and wives these questions, husbands, do you enjoy giving and do you enjoy receiving? And then wives, do you enjoy giving and do you enjoy receiving? And 85% of husbands said they love giving.
92% said they enjoy receiving. But for wives, it’s, it was different. It’s 75% enjoy [00:10:00] receiving, but only 55% enjoy giving. So there’s a, a 30%, gap there. Yeah. As on the giving side, and almost everyone wanted to learn more about oral sex. Yeah. Why do you think there is that gap in the Yeah, I think, I mean, there’s a number of different reasons, but I think one of the main ones is when we really think about how oral sex has been presented in general or the way that we have learned about it.
When we talk about. Seeing so much of this through the male lens of pleasure, it makes sense why that would, you know, I, why I would like to receive it. You know, not only does it feel good, but the way that society has presented it is in this, you know, more of a highlighted way where Yes, in Uhhuh a lot of ways, you know, when it comes to the opposite and women receiving oral pleasure, usually it’s presented as like, oh, well this is.
Okay. If you really love your wife or if you really [00:11:00] want to get, you know, like there’s, it, it feels like an intimate thing. It’s not like, oh, just everybody is going to, you know, have oral sex, like as a woman receiving in a man giving, unless you’re really dedicated, unless you’re really in a relationship.
So, you know, the blow jobs on the other hand could be like, anybody could give you a blowjob or you would just give a blowjob or it’s like this thing for the man, but it doesn’t. Um, the way that it’s presented hasn’t been as intimate. Sometimes it’s very degrading. Sometimes it’s kind of like a domineering sort of situation.
And so I think it starts just from how it’s presented where, you know, uh, like Lingus is like presented in this way that is very intimate. It’s emotional. You’re in this like, Relationship with someone where blowjob are not presented that way. Gotcha. Yeah. Most of the time, Uhhuh. And I think that that’s something that as women going into relationship or doing that we still have those thoughts and those images in there, that that [00:12:00] is something that maybe you do, you know, if you’re.
Not in a serious relationship or maybe you’re giving to a guy or sometimes like a woman that might do that, might be seen as somebody like not wife material. Like this is just something I get, you know, as for a sexual pleasure to get me off and not really looking at the woman as highly that does a blowjob.
So, you know, when we think about it that way, I think it really makes sense because blowjobs have not been like presented as this like juicy, intimate, like, I love you sort of. Act. Gotcha. So let’s talk about the juicy. I love you. Intimate act of a blowjob. Yeah. What’s that like? What’s, what’s in the mindset there?
Yeah. Well, I mean, I think we have to take a look at the contrast, right? Because it’s like so many of the things that I hear women talking about is it’s a chore. It’s just for him, I’m doing this cuz I know he likes. Um, mm-hmm. He likes seeing me like this. Like I [00:13:00] think a lot of men, you know, are able to see if they’re married, you know, see their wife as this, like sexual turned on being, and they have their own thoughts about a blowjob, right?
Mm-hmm. And then on the other side, when we’re talking about like, what’s the opposite of that, it’s like, Of course I would want to like, this sounds so fun. I can’t wait to turn you on. Like this is, you know, this special like intimate thing that I get to do for you. Um, and also I think for women helping bring that in for them and their experience as well.
But like, starting with like, Almost like an adoration or a revered or like, oh, I’m so lucky because I get to love on this penis. Like really like, you know, almost like on this pedestal, beautiful, loving thing. It’s like it’s a privilege. Yes. Uhhuh. Yes. It’s a privilege. Yes. Like Uhhuh, which is our whi as women, that’s how we hope that our man looks at us when they go down is [00:14:00] like, oh my gosh, like the golden gates have opened and here I get to be.
That’s so true. Uhhuh and so we wanna think about like what would we want our man to look like going down on us? And that is going to give you an idea of the way that you can look at the same reciprocation towards him. I love that. I love that idea.
Great. Now there’s a lot of hangups when it comes to that. Yeah. And of course we want that better mindset, but one is how it’s gross. Like Yeah. There’s that mentality or that’s been handed to them. Yeah. How do you, any thoughts on that one? Yeah. Well, I mean, I think there’s definitely mindsets. Stuff. And then just like straight up hygiene things.
Yes. Uhhuh. You know, and I think having that communication, just practical things, you know, like, and having that communication and it’s like, I’m definitely not gonna love a blowjob if my husband just worked out like absolutely. No thank you. And so [00:15:00] it’s just like understanding also, we don’t have to work our mindset around everything.
So asking your partner to clean ahead of time or, you know, do this kind of thing, ahead of time. There’s nothing wrong with that, especially if you have this like trusting relationship, with one another. But I also say that with a little bit of a caveat because I think that as a society we have.
Looked at body fluids in general, especially sexually body fluids as like dirty or gross when uhhuh, when. What we need to also begin to turn our minds towards is this is a natural part of sex, right? Yes. This is a natural part of this intimate relationship. Body fluids, body smells like I’m not supposed to smell like a spring garden down there and neither are you.
Like that’s just straight up like what society has taught us. So that is part of us doing the mindset work. And that being said, you know, A little bit of water goes a long way. Mm-hmm. And that [00:16:00] can help us baby step towards this place where if you are like really grossed out at the beginning, I’m learning to see that this is all part of intimacy.
Nothing is wrong here. Just like body odor in general, body hair in general. All of these things that society has kind of put into this box of, ooh, let’s like, you know, well manicured, well smelling like all these things like that isn’t actually true. That’s just uhhuh. You know what we have been sold. And so understanding that and like starting to untangle that at the same time, you’re, you’re doing it, but not like, because I’m grossed out by you, but because I just, I wanna.
I don’t wanna have that hang up right now. So it’s both, you know, it’s, we can come from it from both angles and, um, but I think really realizing that it can be a preference, but there’s a difference between a preference and making [00:17:00] somebody wrong for a smell or a body fluid or anything like that. Yeah.
It’s like, having judgment towards it. Yes. Right? Yes. Like that’s gross. Like, let’s just not say that about our partner. At all. Yeah. I mean, maybe I’ll say that to my husband if he like farts at the dinner table. I’m like, that’s gross. Yes. Do not do that. That’s true. Exactly. You know, when it comes to our intimacy and our sexual relationships, like let’s just start to eliminate like that word and understand that the only reason that we even think that’s, you know, yucky or gross is because somebody probably when we were young kids, told us.
That it was, yes, because otherwise you’ve probably not have thought that. Yeah. No. Yeah, it’s just like worms. I know this is like totally separate, right Uhhuh, but like Uhhuh Earth worms, kids uhhuh playing with earth worms and they’re fascinated by ’em, and they’re so cool. Until grandma was like, Ew, put that down.
That’s gross. What are you doing to you? It was just this fascinating [00:18:00] creature in the earth that’s like wiggling around your flowers. It’s the same kind of thing, and we have to remember that we can come back and unlearn the things that we have learned, especially when it’s disconnecting us from our partner.
Ah, that’s excellent. Any stories of anyone you’ve coached that had to go through this process? What did she go through? What were her mindset shifts? What was that like for her? Yeah, uh, for sure. I can just think of one recently where, um, you know, it started with this kind of thing that we’re talking about here, just kind of this, ooh, it’s kind of gross.
And so we started just listing like, what are the actual things that you’re thinking about this? This is a chore. This is gross. I feel like I, she was like, I feel like a whore. Uhhuh. I feel like, um, you know, I’m just doing this for him. My jaw hurts. I don’t know how long I’m supposed to do it. You know, like, just like we just listed all of it.
Like, [00:19:00] let’s just take a look and that, let’s start peeling this apart one by one. Like, how do you want to feel? When you are giving a blowjob, like how do you want to be, how do you want to feel about the whole experience and not getting so in the weeds about like, oh, the smell, or, oh, the body fluids are, oh, am I doing it right?
But let’s get to that place of what do I really want this experience to look like? And then as we start giving more airtime to your desires and where you’re leaning towards, you can start to see how these other thoughts are coming up that are just. Lingering likely from the way that you’ve been socialized or been taught about it.
And sometimes there’s stuff that we need to work through, you know, with the body, especially if it’s something that feels unsafe, right? Uh, cause that can come up for a lot of women, it’s a feeling of unsafe, uh, whether that’s fear from. Judgment, you know, or fear if there’s any kind of like sexual assault in your past, you know, fear of not being in [00:20:00] control.
That’s a big one. Yes. Um, and so that or pleasing fear of not being good enough or Yeah. What if, what if he doesn’t like it? What if I’m Yes. A horrible lover in this way? Yes. Like the confidence factor is a big one. Mm-hmm. So there’s, there’s a number of different things. And so just really holding space like.
It makes sense, like when we really think about the way that most of us have learned about blowjob, of course there’s like nervousness. Of course you don’t feel confident, and of course there might be a little bit of fear coming up and that’s all real and we can hold space for that. That’s cool. Okay.
Talk about confidence. Mm-hmm. My kids mm-hmm. Are all of my kids except one are in karate. Mm-hmm. And in karate, there’s kata, which is like a form. It’s like, eh, it’s kinda like dance moves you memorize, right? Mm-hmm. Step this way, block this way, punch this way. And my six-year-old, she is so cute. Say when she does it, she can do the kata all wrong, like the wrong steps, [00:21:00] wrong hands, everything.
But she just exudes confidence doing it. And yes, there’s something to be said about like, she’s really getting into it when doing it. Yeah. Even though it’s the steps might be wrong. Yeah. And you’ve said in the, you know, before that, like, it’s not just about technique, but it’s who you are being when you are going down on your partner.
It’s the way you move, the way you look at your lover, the way you speak to him. Like as if you just can’t get enough. Can you talk to that a little more? , the way that I’m coaching women in my programs and stuff is really embodying what I like to call the turned on woman.
Mm-hmm. So really feeling like the turned on woman and the turned on woman. Looks different in different containers. She shows up and expresses herself different in different containers. And I think sometimes when we think about blowjob, we’re thinking about them in one kind of container. Like maybe it’s a little bit more wild or a little bit more spicy and, and so I think first starting out with [00:22:00] like, who do I want to be when I’m giving this blowjob?
Like maybe it is that wild. Maybe it is a little spicy. Maybe it is more of this, dominant relationship, either the woman being dominant or the man being dominant, like starting to like get clear in your mind, like who are you being and understanding that each person that you are being is just an expression of you.
It’s still all you. You’re not putting this. Mask on. This isn’t a performance, this isn’t you pretending you’re somebody else. But it’s like, what qualities and traits do I want to express? And when we start to tap into that, that allows the confidence to come through because it really isn’t about as much of the technique.
Like you should know a couple of things of what to do, what not to do. And we’ll get into that in a moment. Yeah. Yeah. But it, it’s really like, I am here because I want to please you or I want to take care of this, or I love this part of you so much and I am excited [00:23:00] to like worship it or love on it or make you feel so good.
Right? Uhhuh, like it’s like all of these feeling states that you’re really stepping into and the confidence that regardless of how things go, cuz they can go south. For sure, like there’s things that can go wrong in this category, right? But regardless of how things go, like my intention is to show up in this way and that you can have confidence in that is in your control.
The way that you are showing up is in your control, and that’s what can create that confidence because you don’t always know how your partner’s gonna like it or not. You don’t always know if they’re, you know, going to be surprised by a certain. Technique that you’re using, like you, you just don’t know, right?
Mm-hmm. But you are in control of how you wanna show up. So if you get clear on that ahead of time, it will be really helpful. That’s great. So you take care of hygiene, first of all. Mm-hmm. And then now let’s talk about techniques. What happens next? Yeah. Yeah, so I think [00:24:00] the techniques, I mean, there’s so many different type of techniques.
Again, I think it goes into what you are wanting this experience to be. Like if it is uhhuh, Something that’s a little bit more, uh, like a naughty or wild or uhhuh, a naughty or like a play out of something. Mm-hmm. Or if it’s like a ritual, like I am literally ritualizing worshiping, loving on your penis, like those are going to look different.
Right. One might be more. Slow. Why money be more like strokes and like examining and like Ewing and eyeing and like deep eye contact where another might be like more of like the actual whole penis in your mouth. You might be wanting your head to be, you know, grabbed or your hair to be grabbed. Like there’s all these other different elements and you can communicate that with your partner ahead of time.
So the technique is really. Also dependent on what is the mood that’s being presented in this encounter. Great. Great. Okay, [00:25:00] so if you’re new to this and you wanna get better at it, A, as some instruction on technique will help or go a long way at least. Yeah, yeah. Uh, what are some basics? Some basics are, you don’t not need to suck on it the whole time.
This is, that’s a misconception. Yeah. This is a misconception. Uhhuh. Most men actually don’t really like that, you know, so Uhhuh. Saliva goes a long way. Have like I’m showing in the screen, you can’t see me in the screen Uhhuh, but I have a huge water bottle. Like drink a lot of water ahead of time. Make sure you’re hydrated, have water there because spit.
Goes a long way. It’s more fun for your partner and it feels better for you. Mm-hmm. So you wanna get it wet. So using your tongue, you know, g spitting on it, getting, like, getting it all wet, like the more lubrication the better and mm-hmm. So that’s a huge one that’s gonna create less friction. easier for you and easier for him.
So that is a huge one, is make [00:26:00] sure, which is also a plug for flavored lubricants and things like that too. They, they have a place, Yes, yes, they do have a place. So that is something that you can also use, but having water nearby. Mm-hmm. Um, the other thing that I would say is use your hands.
Like a lot of women think that it’s just this mouth only thing. Your hands are really important and they can make, you know, uh, They can add to the experience both for you and for him. So you don’t feel like it’s like this mouth, jaw thing the whole time, but you’re working in unison with your hands. So think of your hands almost like as this extension of your mouth or how you’re using your mouth, depending on how like, well endowed your partner is, you know, like that is something else that you wanna consider, because keeping your mouth open.
For that long can be uncomfortable regardless, but if you’re getting filled up in the mouth, that can be even more uncomfortable. So being able to use your hands and hang out with the tip, like think about it [00:27:00] more, like a ice cream cone that you’re licking and enjoying Uhhuh versus something you’re just like shoving like a Popsicle in your mouth.
Yes, Uhhuh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Especially if you’re like a biter on popsicles. It’s not what we’re trying to do there, Uhhuh. But that being said, like teeth can be like a part of it. Like a lot of people are so afraid of their teeth. Touching Uhhuh, of course you don’t wanna clamp down, you don’t wanna like, you know, bite in there, get in there, but your teeth can be, you know, when used lightly and with control and with intention can be in addition to the hands and the tongue and the mouth that are all happening.
Mm-hmm. And I like the, it doesn’t all have to be sucking the whole time too. There can be a lot of licking and other things too. Yes, exactly. And moving around and like kissing and going up and down mm-hmm. And stroking. Like it really is that, like, think of it like I am making out with versus like I am sucking.
Like if you’re making out with a penis, it’s gonna be much different mm-hmm. Than just sucking it. Like, I rarely suck very much [00:28:00] because it really isn’t that pleasurable. I mean, for you or for him long term. Like a little bit. It’s okay, but. There’s not a lot of actual like sucking, like your cheeks go in sucking.
Yeah. What about, uh, gag reflex and people have concerns about that? Yeah, I mean, I think that’s a normal concern to have the gag reflex. Mm-hmm. Um and also I. I want to say that your gag reflex, it’s a reflex. It doesn’t mean that you’re going to throw up, it’s your body saying like, wait a minute. It feels like there’s something going in my mouth that shouldn’t uhhuh.
So when you start to notice that it’s not that, that’s a definite stop. And I think a lot of people think that’s a definite stop. It might be a slowdown and it come out, but when you start working with your body and your nervous system, And you’re like, I’m fine. And you’re still breathing through your nose and you’re relaxed, you can help move past that gag reflex.
So I think that’s a, you know, a good [00:29:00] question. And also just understanding like, it happens, like you’re probably can gag, it’s very normal. And again, just not making that a negative thing or have to stop, or anything like that, that’s gonna help a lot cuz you can just. Start a different area or you can keep going like it’s really up to you, but Right.
Gagging is very normal. And also, this is why hands are important too. Yes. Kinda. Yes, exactly. Can, yeah. Gives a little control. Right? Yeah. And earlier you said some women don’t like engaging and giving a blowjob cuz they’re afraid, it sounds like, some power dynamic or they’re getting overpowered.
Mm-hmm. I, I don’t know. It seems like the woman giving the blowjob, she’s the one in control. She’s the one in power. She’s got teeth after all, like Yes, yes. Yeah. I mean, we definitely could think of it that way, but when you look at, especially like how so many of us have learned about blowjob, which is.
Probably through the porn industry or something like [00:30:00] that. Uhhuh the or exploitation or other things? Yes. Yes. Uhhuh. Yeah. I mean, it really is like this like degrading thing that it’s like, you don’t have any control. I’m doing this to your mouth, you know? Mm-hmm. And it can feel a lot like that. So I think just like understanding, like it makes sense.
Like a course you have those narratives and like, Being able to be like, well that’s not what I’m doing. Or deciding. Like I actually do want to have that kind of a role play or a relationship. Like I do wanna feel kind of like dirty like that and that’s okay. And own it, right? Yes. And the thing that I think is so important, especially when we get into fantasy or role-play or things like that, is to remember like you aren’t at, cuz some women I think worry like, what’s wrong with me if I wanna be, you know, dirty or degraded or anything like that.
You aren’t actually being degraded. No, you aren’t actually, being out of control in this [00:31:00] context, you. And your husband are in a loving, safe relationship. And so reminding yourself that it really is something that you’re playing out. You aren’t actually being degraded or being put down or Right.
Not having control. And I think that can create a lot of safety, being worried about that. Cause we’re sometimes afraid of our fantasies. Like, oh no, if I think this, I’m gonna turn into that. Right. But as a kid you played cops and robbers or whatever, and it doesn’t mean you grew up to be a robber or a cop.
Yes. Right? Yes. It’s, yeah. It’s, it’s about playing, it’s about, yeah. It’s really play. Yes. Stepping into it. It’s imagination. Yes. And it’s giving yourself permission to not like, yuck one of your turnons and creating a container, and a safe space to be able to explore that more. There’s something I think, speaks to your, you know, erotic natures when you can really move.
Yep. Feel free to move into some of those more playful areas too. [00:32:00] It’s, yes, it adds another dimension to being alive and being with someone that you love and. To explore and that’s vulnerable aspect of herself. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Vulnerability is what creates so much intimacy.
And if you feel safe enough to get vulnerable and share your fantasies and share, intimacy or share these type of, situations and scenarios you want to share with your partner, that just shows another level of trust that you have with one another. Great. Any other troubleshooting tips we should address when it comes to giving a mind blowing blowjob?
I think the main one is, like I said, use a lot of spit. Mm-hmm. Warming up and then communication. Uh, cuz I think that it’s easy to, Assume, especially as a woman, like what kind of, blowjob baby your partner wants, but having that conversation too. And not always, cuz it’s like, I, I think that communication is really important.
Don’t get me wrong. We should always can say, and we should always have communication that’s like hands down, of [00:33:00] course Uhhuh and. That being said, sometimes we want to lean into something without telling our partner like, Hey, by the way, I’m gonna be doing this, this, and this and this. Like, are you okay with that?
Uhhuh? I think more is the communication that we have in general around our sex life. Like, how would you like me to tell you that I don’t really like that, or I’m not really sure, or How would you like me to bring up a new idea? Should we just try it?
Like having that out. Outside gives you the permission then to, you know, go forward or do something a little bit more, ask for something. Mm-hmm. So I think that is a huge part of it, is like the communication agreement that you have, not necessarily during, but leading up to so that you’re not surprised or if your partner really doesn’t like.
What you’re doing, they feel safe to be able to express that to you and vice versa without hurting anybody’s feelings. That’s good. That’s, that’s necessary for all aspects of sex too. Yes. Just, yes. [00:34:00] Just that trust and that, you know, we’re on the same team here. Yes. And we’re, we’re working together to build a great sexual relationship.
We both want to participate in. Yes. Exactly. Exactly. Now, you’ve said in the past that I might be misquoting you, but you’ve had as many, if not more orgasms giving a blowjob Yes. Than uh, absolutely. Whatever. Wasn’t that like, I don’t know. My husband told me about, I think it was like the first porn that ever came out and it was about a woman that had a clitoris in the back of her mouth know, you know this, I dunno, it was from the sixties or seventies.
I think that was like the first like, Porn or something uhhuh. Anyway, so I joke around that. That’s what’s going on. That’s you, huh? No, that’s not, that’s not, I think for me it’s comes back to that turned on woman and when I am it like really stepping into that turned on woman being that turned on, woman feeling like this, like giving and receiving like this reciprocal relationship [00:35:00] between us and like.
You know, like I think especially what I’m giving, it can be like this relaxation, like this is for me too. Mm-hmm. You know? Mm-hmm. This is for like, I feel so turned on by this. I feel so alive by this. Yes. I feel so into this. My partner is so into it and they’re enjoying it,, it’s that kind of like, reciprocal, circular experience, like that’s really what creates orgasms, you know?
I mean mm-hmm. You couldn’t have an orgasm without even. You know, touching yourself, and so they, it’s possible. Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And so understanding that it’s like the energy and the experience that you’re creating with your partner and that overall texture to it can turn you on so much. And also you can, you or your partner can be touching yourself during these, so it really is this like reciprocity and experiencing your turn ons and meeting it as well as you say, that reminds me of what Dr.
Esther Perel taught. That for most [00:36:00] women. What turns her on is knowing that she is the turn on. Mm-hmm. Like being the turn on is her turn on. Yes. Like cuz knowing I can turn this man on is a big turn on to her. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. And I think that when we, especially couple that with our own desire, you know, cuz as women we’ve been socialized to be desirable and to be the turn on so much to the extreme that we forget.
That it’s really important what is turning us onto, but when, good point we are stepping into because cuz if it’s just about turning the other person on, then you’re so disconnected from your own experience. That’s right. Right. Because we can be desirable all the time. We can feel like we’re turning somebody on.
I mean, I could go to the grocery store and turn somebody on, but that doesn’t mean that it’s welcome or that I’m experiencing or that I want. So I think it’s really important for us to remember like, yes, this is part of it. And how am I receiving that? How am I wanting to, because if you are feeling like, oh, this is turning [00:37:00] them on, but this is a chore.
It’s only for him, all of these things that, that’s where stuff changes. And especially in long-term partnerships, that’s where it really changes because maybe you were really turned on by turning your husband on when you first started. And that kind of wears off, you know, Uhhuh, like, you’re just like, cool.
Obviously it’s not sustainable. Yes, no Uhhuh, you’re like, obviously I’m sexy. Like of course you want me like it does, it’s well news, you know? So it’s like you have to like play into this a little bit and also come back to your own fire. Like what are you feeling like in between your legs? How can you spread that energy and that pleasure and that experience so that it’s both of you, not just you turning on your partner.
Excellent. This has been such a fun interview, Danielle. Thank you for your wisdom and everything. Can you tell us where people can go to find your courses and, and I know you’ve done like an in-depth workshop on this specific [00:38:00] topic too. Yes. Can your coaching? You can find that on my, yeah, on my website, danielle savory.com/dreamy.
BJ’s. So that’s where you can find this particular class. And I go into a lot more detail about some of the stuff that we talked in there. Um, and then I’m on Instagram at the practice of pleasure or my podcast. It’s my pleasure. So really focusing on all you ladies out there that wanna feel more turned on.
Yes. Very good. We can all use a little more pleasure in our life. Yes, for sure. Yeah. Well, thank you. Thank you for having me. It’s been so fun.
Dan: Thank you for listening to this episode, please share it along with our apps and timidly us. And just between us with their married friends. I promise they will thank you for life. If you want a more meaningful sexual and intimate connection in your marriage, I invite you to check out my, get your marriage on program. Over a hundred couples have said this program packs tremendous value and has helped their intimacy grow to the [00:39:00] next level. Now go get your marriage on.
