Why does s*xual desire feel so effortless at the beginning of a relationship—and become so much harder to access once you’ve been together for years?
My guest Hannah Johnson, also known as The Libido Fairy, experienced this pattern repeatedly in her own relationships. Desire would be strong during the honeymoon phase, but once she felt secure in the relationship, it would disappear.
Eventually, she realized that sex had often been a way to receive validation, approval, and security—not something she genuinely found pleasurable or enjoyable. Once she had the security she was looking for, there was no longer much reason to want sex.
That realization led Hannah on a two-year journey to understand libido, pleasure, and what helps desire remain alive in a long-term relationship. Today, she helps women connect with their bodies, discover what they actually enjoy, and communicate their desires with greater confidence.
Initiation Doesn’t Have to Mean Intercourse
In our conversation, Hannah explains that initiation doesn’t have to be a high-pressure yes-or-no question. Couples can use a 1–10 scale to communicate how open they feel and choose a form of connection that fits that number. A “two” might mean cuddling, while a “six” could mean showering together and seeing where things go.
Planning Intimacy Without Making It Boring
She also recommends planning intimacy—but without predetermining exactly what must happen. Hannah compares it to making a dinner reservation: you commit to showing up, then decide what you’re hungry for when you arrive. Creating an intimacy menu together gives you several ways to connect instead of treating every invitation as a commitment to intercourse.
Three Rituals That Protect Connection
We also discuss rituals that help couples stay emotionally and physically connected. Hannah shares the daily six-second kiss, a weekly relationship check-in, and the monthly “King and Queen Night” she and her husband use to intentionally care for one another.
These rituals aren’t about adding more obligations to your marriage. They create regular opportunities to slow down, clear away resentment, and remember that you’re lovers—not merely roommates managing a household.
The Most Common Libido Killers
Hannah also identifies several common libido killers:
- Unspoken resentment or disconnection
- S*x that isn’t genuinely pleasurable
- Exhaustion and poor sleep
- Hormonal changes
- Chronic stress, anxiety, or nervous-system shutdown
- Difficulty transitioning out of work or parenting mode
These factors can make desire difficult to access, even when you love your spouse and want to have a fulfilling intimate relationship.
What to Do When Your Mind Wanders During S*x
If your mind starts making a grocery list during s*x, Hannah suggests treating that distraction as information—not as a personal failure. Pause and ask what changed. Do you need more time to transition? Did you move away from something that felt connecting? Would slowing down or returning to an earlier activity help you become present again?
A fading libido doesn’t automatically mean you’re broken, you’ve chosen the wrong spouse, or your marriage is destined to lose its spark.
Desire is more likely to grow when intimacy feels safe, pleasurable, playful, and collaborative. In this episode, Hannah offers realistic tools couples can use to begin creating that kind of intimate relationship together. We hope you’ll give it a listen.
Resources:
Couples Retreat (April 2027)
Men’s and Women’s Only Coaching (Starts September 8!)
Guest: Hannah Johnson
Hannah Johnson, better known as The Libido Fairy, helps women who love their partners but don’t want sex. She teaches the science and psychology of desire in a way that’s practical, shame-free, and actually works. So women can go from “sex feels like a chore” to looking forward to it again.
Website: The Libido Fairy
Instagram: @thelibidofairy
Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.
