Do Christians really have worse sex lives—or is that just a story we’ve been told?
After seeing conflicting claims online, Dan went straight to the data. What he found was surprising: churchgoing couples are having slightly more sex than those who rarely attend religious services—but both groups are having significantly less sex than couples did a generation ago.
So what’s really going on?
In this episode, Dan separates Christian theology from the cultural messages about sex many of us grew up with. He shares three beliefs from Christian faith that can support a healthy, fulfilling sex life, plus three practical ways to build more intimacy, pleasure, play, and connection in your marriage.
You’ll also learn how to recognize beliefs about sex that may have come from culture rather than your faith—and why your faith might actually be one of your greatest advantages in building the sex life you want.
Resources
Virtual Retreat (November 6-7, 2026)
In-person Couples Retreat (April 7-11, 2027)
Transcript
This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors or inaccuracies. For the most accurate and complete experience, we recommend listening to the full podcast episode.
Dan: If you’re new here, I wanna give you a warm welcome. My name is Dan Purcell. I have a master’s degree in counseling, and I work as a coach for married couples. I have a specialty in helping married couples improve s*x and intimacy in their marriage. I started this work about 10 years ago when my wife and I, our own marriage, went through a major change and transformation for good, and it had such a profound impact on my life, it’s led to a career change.
And I’m [00:01:00] such a lucky man that I get to help couples. It’s, it’s such happy work. I get to help couples improve intimacy in their relationship every day. I run retreats. I run coaching programs. I have a few mobile apps designed to improve s*xual intimacy and emotional intimacy in relationships. And this podcast is my passion.
And I just wanna thank you for being here. And today’s episode is a special one
A video popped up on my YouTube feed the other day. The title was basically, “Why Christians have bad s*x lives.” And at first, I nodded along. Yeah, that’s a common belief, right? The cultural message is that religious couples are more inhibited in the bedroom and carry a lot of hang-ups around s*x. But around the same time, a man in our private Facebook group called, uh, the Christian Couples Improving S*x and Intimacy, in case you wanna join it, he posted a chart that’s been circulating the interwebs lately, and it shows a different story.
In the chart he [00:02:00] posted, it shows a story that couples who go to church regularly have more s*x according to research. So which is it? Do Christians have bad s*x lives, or is it that Christians actually have better s*x lives? So, I really wanted to find out. So I dug into the study, and I found their original data source that that chart came from, and I pulled the data myself.
And what I found surprised me because the real story isn’t about Christians at all. By the way, I believe every couple, at some time or another, will have friction in their s*xual relationship. For some couples, it can be a significant source of pain and disappointment in their marriage. I just want you to know that I don’t think you’re beyond hope if you’re in that category because we don’t talk about s*x that much in our culture, at least not in a positive way.
So it’s easy to think that you’re alone in your struggles. I want to assure you that you are not, and, most of your challenges are real, what you’re facing is real, but they’re [00:03:00] also not rare. Most married couples today, husbands and wives, faithful or not, are finding s*x harder than couples did a generation ago.
You’re actually in good company if you’re having some s*xual struggles. The video I saw on that YouTube was from a pastor. He’s watched a lot of couples in his congregation struggle with s*x. He wonders if the church has failed these couples or at least hasn’t helped them sufficiently because he sees so many couples that have s*xual struggles in their marriages, and I believe this pastor. I think he’s seen something real, a real challenge that many of those in his congregation are facing.
But I wouldn’t say that it’s the church’s teachings or our faith that is the cause of the problem. In my opinion, there’s a big difference between church culture and theology. I believe what he’s alluding to is more of a church culture challenge, not Christian theology, and to me, that makes a big difference.
Just to clarify, theology is what we [00:04:00] believe, the core doctrine, the truths that don’t change. Culture, on the hand, changes. It’s what people do. It’s the behaviors that groups of people do, and by the way, our theology and our culture don’t always match up. For example, a lot of us grew up with some fear-based messages around s*x.
Some people call it purity culture. It started, by the way, as a reaction to the s*xual revolution in the sixties and seventies, and many church leaders responded to the wider cultural trend. Because I believe the fullness of one’s s*xual expression belongs in the commitment of marriage, a lot of these church leaders mobilized to teach those of the rising generation the value of saving that full s*xual expression for that marriage covenant, that context. And I believe that’s a really good value to pass along and to teach. But somewhere along the way, the message drifted. It started teaching that a person’s value is wrapped up in [00:05:00] their virginity, or how modesty gets conflated with how to dress, or, that we should always eschew any s*xual thought and control our s*xual desires because it can lead to real problems.
It was a fear-based teaching. So, when, let’s say, a wife who now is married, went through the first twenty years of her life being told that s*x is wrong, dirty and gross, and she finds that on a wedding day, that ceremony just doesn’t flip that mental switch overnight for her. And all of a sudden, she’s struggling to embrace her full s*xual nature and to see the virtue and wholesome aspects of s*xuality and in herself.
In those contexts, it’s easy for s*x to become something she does to accommodate her husband, not something she wants for herself. Now, that’s just an example for women, but men also got messages too about exercising caution, keeping your thoughts pure, suppressing s*xual desires too. [00:06:00] By the way, I believe that the value isn’t in virginity.
The value is in the person So do Christians really have bad s*x lives? First, let’s explore what the data actually says. Second, let’s explore three beliefs from our faith that can actually help our s*x lives. And third, I’ll share three steps to build the s*x life that you want. Now, you might be thinking, “Dan, uh, you’re a Christian marriage coach.
Of course, you’re gonna defend the church.” That’s fair, but I’m gonna show you the real numbers, including the parts that may not flatter my side of the argument all the time. So here’s the data. When I saw that post in our Facebook group hinting that couples who attend religious services monthly or more have higher s*xual frequency than their peers, it got me really curious.
By the way, where did those numbers come from, and how did they draw those conclusions? Turns out the data comes from the General [00:07:00] Social Survey, or GSS for short. It’s one of the several gold standard long-running surveys that sociologists use to track American life and culture. There’s a new GSS that comes out every two to three years.
It started in 1974, and the latest data is from 2024. And this data is used to look at trends in, uh, culture at large in America. The data, by the way, is free to download, but you have to have stats software to interpret it. And thanks to my, , favorite AI sidekick, I was able to download and inspect the data and recreate this person’s chart in no time.
So I looked in the data at married people ages 20 to 54 and compared couples who attend religious services monthly compared to those that attend less often. By the way, did you know that according to that GSS data, in 1990, about 73% of churchgoing couples had [00:08:00] s*x at least once a week? In 2024, that number went down over 20 percentage points to about 51%.
And for couples who rarely attend religious services, it went from about 76% in 1990 down to 47%. That’s even a bigger slide down. But here’s the surprising part. In 1990, the two groups were basically even, churchgoing or not, basically had the same amount of s*xual frequency. Today, churchgoing couples are slightly ahead, not because they improved, but because they dropped a little less.
You may have seen a recent report from the Institute for Family Studies saying that religious couples are far ahead. This is circulating the interwe- internet right now, and they’re using the same data s- survey from that GSS to make their claims. Depending on how you group the years and some clever, statistics, y- you can make it look like the [00:09:00] gap is really big between religious couples and non-religious, or you can make the gap look like it’s really small.
If you were just to isolate the most recent data we have in 2024 alone, there’s only about a five percentage point difference between those that attend religious services and those that don’t when it comes to s*xual frequency
That all goes to show that single years in the survey swing a lot. So I don’t put much weight on any one of them. But what isn’t swinging is a long-term trend. Church-going couples are having far less s*x than a generation ago, and so is everyone else. And remember, these numbers only measure how often, you know, given like at least s*x once a week.
And by the way, how often isn’t always like the best measure of the quality of a s*x life. It’s just what the survey asks and the, the data we have to work off of.
So the blanket statement that Christians have bad s*x lives doesn’t hold up. Couples that attend religious services [00:10:00] regularly are slightly ahead of those that don’t. But Christians aren’t immune either.
The rain falls on the just and the unjust. That being said, Christians do have some real advantages that others don’t that I think make a significant positive impact on a couple’s s*x lives. Let me share with you three of them There are three beliefs that I think can help any Christian improve their s*x life.
First is that your body is sacred. We believe that the body is a temple. We believe our physical body matters so much that Jesus was resurrected, a testament to the importance of our body, the temple of our spirits. A faith that teaches the body is holy can’t also call s*x categorically d- dirty or evil. Our s*xual urges and inclinations do need discipline, just as any other physical urge does.
But our s*xual desires are placed in us for a wise purpose by a wise and loving God. Second, God is creative, and he [00:11:00] shared a piece of that creativity with us. A few years ago, my family went to the San Diego Zoo, and I was so impressed by the variety of God’s creations. It, it just went on and on, how many different animals there are.
And it’s not just the animals, but plant life, and then the landscape, and the variety that you see on this earth. And not just that, but think of varieties in people’s personalities, cultures, language, and arts. God’s given us part of that creative power, even s*xual power. He’s given to each of us, and our s*xuality is one of the creative ways we can express love, commitment, desire, and that you really like this person in a loving marriage.
And it’s also a force that makes really cute babies, by the way. Third, thing that I think our theology helps us with in building great s*x life is we view marriage as a covenant. As Christians, we believe marriage isn’t a man-made social construct. Marriage is ordained of God, and the [00:12:00] covenant relationship means it sanctifies the man and the woman in that covenant relationship.
To me, a marriage covenant means I counsel with, labor, partner with, serve, and love my wife, and I treat her as an equal partner. That also includes, treating her well in the bedroom. Now that I shared with you three theological things that I think help us as Christians have a better s*x life, I’m gonna give you three more practical ideas on how to build a great s*x life that kind of buck the cultural trend that couples aren’t enjoying s*xual frequency as much as generations before.
So here’s tip number one: see your body, and by extension, s*x, as a really good thing Many of us husbands and wives picked up the idea somewhere that s*x is dirty, wrong, or evil. That idea came from our culture or from the enemy of our souls, I believe it. I don’t think God likes that idea. [00:13:00] It, it doesn’t come from where we believe as Christians.
And this is where exercising faith can give you a huge advantage as a Christian. We’re taught that faith is the assurance of things we know to be true, even if you don’t see it yet, and real faith gives us real hope. Now, I was in this category myself. I struggled with what you would call good boy syndrome for the first 13 years or so of my marriage.
Although my wife and I had a great friendship and a great marriage, seeing my body and s*x as a good, powerful, and positive virtuous force in my life, that was far from reality. I had a conversation with a friend around that time that gave me such a different perspective. My friend showed me how he and his wife had a vibrant, creative, and albeit adventurous s*x life.
And I could sense there was a special bond between them that my wife and I didn’t have at the time. I wanted that. But that also meant I had to [00:14:00] confront a lot of my beliefs. I had to confront my beliefs around s*x and the shame around it, and that is where faith, prayer, asking, seeking, knocking came to help me.
I felt led to find inspired answers, and God answered those prayers for my wife and I by placing people in my path at key moments. And by the way, this is how Get Your Marriage On got its start. We wanted to share what we were learning with others and those things that brought us so much joy and strength to our marriage, too.
So here’s your step for this week. Notice one thought that you have about s*x or your body, and then ask yourself, “Is this my theology or is this something I’ve picked up from the culture at large?” Like a good gardener, I encourage you to pluck out the weeds and plant flowers Practical tip number two is get educated.
By the way, isn’t it ironic that, uh, in today’s culture, which seems more s*x saturated than ever, yet the data shows that people are having less [00:15:00] s*x than generations before? Now, of course, modern life has different pressures that previous generations didn’t face. But I think part of the answer to combat that is to get a better s*x education.
By the way, nobody is born knowing how to drive. No one is born knowing how to cook. And how to build a pleasurable and fulfilling s*x life with your spouse, you’re also not born with it either. It requires effort, practice, and learning. And being a Christian doesn’t mean you have a disadvantage in this area either.
Everyone, Christian or not, needs a good, positive s*xual education. And looking at the trends from generation to generation, I think it matters more today than ever. For example, do you know your spouse’s turn-ons, their desires, and their fantasies? Do you know your wife or your husband’s goals? and let it be physical, emotional, spiritual, or even s*xual goals.[00:16:00]
Do you know your own turn-ons? Do you know how to express your s*xuality in a creative way? Do you know how to play in the bedroom together? I recently had a coaching call with a man who said he doesn’t know his wife’s turn-ons, which really frustrates him. And not for lack of asking. Every time he asks her, she says, “I don’t know.”
” Well, do you like this?” “I don’t know.” “What’s your fantasies?” “I don’t know.” And I think the wife is telling the truth. She actually just doesn’t know. And part of the, his frustration is he senses she hasn’t cared enough to change that I don’t know into a yes, this is my answer kind of a thing.
She hasn’t put the effort to find out, perhaps. So I challenged him to stop treating her I don’t knows as a standoff, and every time she says I don’t know, playfully say, “Well, let’s figure it out together.” So, we’ve played before where I’ve donned a white lab coat with a clipboard and safety goggles.
I’m a, [00:17:00] I’m an experimenter, and my wife is, is our test subject who’s consented to a special type of test, an interview, let’s call it. Let’s just say we had a lot of fun playing that way. So your step this week, download the Intimately Us app if you don’t have it yet or pick one good book or resource and read one chapter together to get a better s*x education for yourself.
So far we got seeing your body as good. We talked about getting s*xually educated. But here’s the thing I want you to hear. Your faith, by the way, was never the problem. It might be the best thing you have actually going for you, and step three is the one that changes everything. And it is this, and I’ll call it come for the good stuff, and there’s a little double entendre there.
There’s a big difference between accommodating s*x and wanting s*x. If you want real intimacy and passion in your marriage, then s*x isn’t something you do for your spouse. [00:18:00] Instead, s*x is about play. It’s about closeness. It’s a stronger bond.
It’s a time to play, relax, to be pampered, and to feel really, really good. It’s even a place for creative expression and that creative part of us that we talked about. And so come for the good stuff in s*x. Yeah, whatever that is. Now, let me tell you about a woman that came to me for coaching a few years ago.
We’ll call her Hannah. Hannah, for the first five years of her marriage, had s*x with her husband out of duty, and a lot of it was fear-based for good reason. Her father had an affair, and she was afraid that if she didn’t have s*x with her husband whenever he wanted it, however he wanted it, he would, you know, cheat on her and have an affair too.
So she did it for him out of duty. But you know what? Duty never gave her room for pleasure and creative expression. People’s sexuality just doesn’t work that way. You give sexuality a job [00:19:00] that needs to prove something, and it will rebel every single time. She didn’t realize that was happening. But through coaching, she learned exactly what we’re talking about today, that her body was good, that s*x is for her.
She even learned how her body works from a s*xual pleasure standpoint. And with the help of a really good book recommendation, she started having org@sms reliably, and that’s when she learned, like, s*x is really fun. And she told me once, like, “Where has this been all my life? This is great.” For the first time for her, s*x wasn’t about duty.
It wasn’t something she did for her husband. It was a way to play together, a way to express love together, and for her to get pampered from him, and it changed the whole dynamic of their marriage. So my invitation for you this week, before the next time you’re intimate, name one thing that you want to try out for yourself.
But some of you might ask, “Dan, isn’t that selfish?” And, wanting s*x for yourself [00:20:00] might sound selfish on the surface, but it isn’t. And here’s one of the ironies of good s*x, and I’m telling you this as a s*x educator that works with couples, that has a master’s degree in counseling. This is what I do for a living, and it is this: good s*x has a healthy selfishness embedded in it.
It’s one of the paradoxes of life. It’s like one of those like, “If you lose your life, uh, you will gain it,” kind of statements. The paradox is receiving from your spouse s*xually is really vulnerable, but it’s also one of the most generous gifts you can give to your spouse. Wanting it is what makes you a great partner.
A spouse who enjoys s*x, that sees it as a value for him or for her, is what you can give to a marriage that really builds it. And that’s what I think bringing your best means, and that’s what covenant marriage is really about. So a podcast episode like this can give you a lot of [00:21:00] information and context, and it’s a great starting point.
But if you want a real breakthrough in your relationship to get through shame, you need to surround yourself by other couples, have a trusted friend or a counselor that can help you through this. And I think that’s why couples that attend our retreats or get private coaching from me and my team are seeing real results in their marriages.
And it’s what helped Hannah get through, uh, her breakthrough too. So you can learn more about our upcoming retreats and/or possibly working with me privately by looking at the links in the description below Picture this, 12 months from now, imagine if nothing changes in your s*x life, uh, it’s still something you just get through.
Or on the other hand, you start with step one this week, and, and step two, and step three. You change something. You make a change today, you’re motivated. Twelve months from now, where do you think you’ll be s*xually? Which of the three steps do you think you need [00:22:00] help getting started with? Answer this today.
Is it seeing your body as good? Seeing s*xuality as God-given? Have a better s*xual education? Or is it learning how to come for the good stuff? Thank you again for listening. If you’ve enjoyed this episode, please share it with all of your married friends. I promise they will thank you for life. Just a reminder, we have our virtual retreat coming up November six and seven.
This is where you get to join me from the comfort of a hotel room or a vacation rental. You’ll, join my wife and I. We’ll walk you through a s*xual practice over those two days, that I think will really elevate s*x in your life. We also have our in-person couples retreat next April, and this is for couples who would say they have an otherwise good relationship but wish things were better when it came to s*xual and emotional intimacy.
This is a four-day, four-night retreat, beautiful accommodations in southern Utah. You’ll find those links in the description below. All right, my friends, thank you, and go get your marriage [00:23:00] on.
