What if your spouse isn’t enthusiastic about the same things you are? I get this question often. Specifically, what to do if your spouse isn’t on board with your desires sexually.
I have five thoughts about this that I want to share. There is much more that can be discussed here, as every person’s situation is complex, but I hope some of these ideas can help!
What We Cover in This Episode
Almost every couple hits a desire gap—one spouse wants more, or wants to explore something (frequency, oral sex, toys, new things), and the other isn’t on board. It can leave you feeling rejected and wondering if this is all your sex life will ever be. In this solo episode I share five honest thoughts for that exact situation.
I start with doubt, which quietly kills progress—when you doubt your marriage will grow, you stop nurturing it. The antidote is faith: choosing to look for the good and water the seed even before you can see it. Then I get vulnerable about a conflict with my wife Emily, where I tried control and guilt-trips and blamed her for my unhappiness, until a friend’s reframe helped me “drop the rope.”
The big shift is this: it’s not our circumstances that make us unhappy, but our thoughts about them. When you stop outsourcing your happiness to your spouse and take responsibility for yourself, everything changes—and that’s also where the courage to honestly address what is finally becomes possible.
Key takeaways
- Nearly every couple experiences a desire gap—you’re not broken or alone.
- Doubt kills progress; faith means choosing to look for the good and keep investing.
- Your thoughts about your circumstances—not the circumstances themselves—drive how you feel.
- Stop outsourcing your happiness to your spouse; you only control yourself.
- Have the courage to name what’s really going on instead of pretending for years.
If a desire gap is weighing on you, dig deeper into navigating mismatched sex drives, learn how to initiate without the rejection spiral, and grow into a more secure, self-soothing partner through understanding your attachment style.
Want support working on your side of the equation? Our Next Level program is a great place to start.
