Day 11 – The Present of Your Presence

Sometimes sex isn’t as pleasurable or connecting because you feel like you’re stuck in your head. You’ve got “mommy brain” or “daddy brain”. Your thoughts sort of go like this: “Mmmm.. this feels good. I like that. I wonder if we can do this again tomorrow morning. I wonder how much milk we have for cereal… it’s time for me to go shopping again. I think we’re also out of bread and peanut butter. I wonder why there’s so much sugar in peanut butter? Are there other options?” Then you snap out of it, with your spouse still there, humping you, and feeling a little guilty that you’re not really there in the moment!

Men do it too, but often for other reasons. For instance, he may be overly preoccupied about whether or not his wife is enjoying the experience, if he’s touching her in the right way, or a number of other things that get him in his head rather than into his body.

Being fully present and in your body with your spouse while making love though can be really powerfully bonding and healing. It’s okay to let your mind wander a little, because hey, we’re all human and we all do it. However, with a little bit of practice, you can get much better at being present during sex. Here are some tips to do just that!

  1. Focus on all 5 senses. To get into your body, check in periodically with your senses. What do you smell, hear, taste, see, and feel? Putting your awareness into your body, and by extension your partner’s body helps you get out of your head.
  2. Follow instincts. It’s super sexy when you listen to what your body wants to do instinctively and follow that motion and urge. It might be hip movements, or touching certain areas of your spouse, or a slight shift. Let your body lead where it wants to go.
  3. Focus on your breathing. Imagine breathing in deeply, through your lungs, through your belly, and into your vagina or penis during sex, especially as you get more aroused. Putting your awareness into these areas of your body as you breathe channels your mind to being more present and make sex more pleasurable for both.
  4. Have the courage to stop and check in. Sometimes certain types of touch trigger unwanted feelings in us. Can you recognize it as it happens? Can you stop and check in with your spouse to ask how he or she is feeling in the moment, and what that touch meant to them? Checking in is a kind way of saying, “I care about you, and sex is a team sport.”

What are your tricks to getting out of your head and into your body during sex? Let’s hear it in the comments.