When you hear the word sexuality, what comes to mind? Is it a word you’re comfortable with? Unfortunately, many people feel ashamed of sexuality and their desire to be sexual. This could be due to their upbringing, religion, abuse, bad experiences, pain, or lack of knowledge about sex. However, learning to embrace sexuality even when you’re not physically having sex can bring beauty to your life and marriage.
As Christians, we believe in the virtue of chastity. When you are chaste, you refrain from sexual relations before marriage and practice complete fidelity to your husband or wife after marriage. While holding and practicing these beliefs that are close to our hearts is virtuous, it can be hard for some to flip the switch and embrace their sexuality within marriage.
God created us. He created our hearts, minds, hands, feet, eyes, and ears. He also created our hormones. There is nothing wrong or bad about this. Author and pastor Matt Chandler said “…God’s the one who created and wired this whole thing…as He (God) shaped the woman differently (than man), He gave her larger breasts, rounder hips, and a vagina. He filled the woman with a different hormone, estrogen. The woman’s body was not the devil’s idea; it was all God’s doing…”.1 The same goes for men. God created men’s hormones, urges, and desires too. Embracing your sexuality can exponentially increase your ability to love and be loved.
In our recent podcast Ruth Buezis, author of Awaken Love: The Truth About Sex that will Transform Your Marriage and creator of ‘Awaken-Love Ministry’ spoke with Dan about how God changed her view of sex and helped her embrace all aspects of intimacy.
“A few years ago, our marriage went from good to amazing! After spending eight weeks immersed in a study of Song of Songs (Song of Solomon), I began to crave intimacy. No longer did I want to hide, but I wanted to be fully known – by both God and my husband. The study revealed how much more God wanted in my marriage and in my relationship with Him. He wants us to experience amazing freedom with our spouse, where we can be completely vulnerable. He wants us to be completely enraptured with each other – emotionally, spiritually, and physically. God wants our marriage bed to restore us, refresh us, comfort us, make us one, and to be a picture of the intimacy that He wants with us.”2
A Journey of Discovery
Sex is a journey of discovery, not a destination to arrive at. Meet your spouse where they are and see what you can create there.
Intimacy in marriage is knowing your spouse fully and letting them fully know you by sharing parts of yourself that you hold close. Intimacy can be sharing your body with them during sex or sharing insecurities and baggage from your past. Intimacy is being able to talk with your spouse about secrets you’ve never told anyone due to fear of being judged or looked at in a different light. When you open up and let your spouse in to those deep dark spaces, you will find light and freedom. Your spouse should be a safe place for you to land and create this feeling of closeness.
Finding Comfort in Oneness
Finding comfort through sex is one of the most surprising results for women on their sexual journey. At first, just the suggestion of having sex for comfort is appalling for many women. When women are stressed out, insecure, disappointed, or sad, sex is often the last thing on their minds. Women tend to withdraw from people when they navigate emotions.
On the flip side, many men intuitively understand the comforting power of sex. It’s not uncommon for men to seek oneness with their wives after a bad day at work, job loss, or when they are grieving. Men may even suggest having sex when women would consider it unbelievably bad timing, such as after a disagreement. But what if suggesting to have sex after the argument is your husband’s way of saying I care about you, I’m still in this no matter what? Maybe he just doesn’t have the right words to say to you and instead wants to envelop you in love.
We often talk about how sex is a very physical thing for men, how they just want to “get off”. But maybe sometimes it’s the woman who is viewing sex as more physical?
The Power of Oneness
The term “one flesh” originates from Genesis’ (first book of the Bible) account of the creation of Adam and Eve. Genesis describes the process by which God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam’s side as he slept. Adam then recognized that Eve was literally a part of him, they were one flesh. The term “one flesh” means that just as our bodies are one whole unit that cannot be divided into pieces and still be complete, So too is marriage. God wants us to be one flesh!
“This is not to say that God’s joining of two people means that either one of them loses their individuality. They are of course two separate people with distinct personalities, and with individual needs and desires. However, when we choose to join with another in marriage, we focus on the ‘we’ and ‘ours’, rather than on ‘me’ and ‘mine’. Our spouse is now a part of us, so just as we would protect and care for ourselves; we do the same for our spouse. It would not be wise to take care of only part of your body and neglect the rest. Eventually, the neglected part would suffer and cause the entire body to suffer. If we neglect the needs of our spouse and only take care of ourselves, then we are not protecting our marriage and eventually, it will suffer.”3
Sex is a physical way to remind us of being one within marriage. There is power in unifying as we navigate the hard things life throws at us. Now, we would never tell you to just have sex and everything will be better. However, sex can bring you and your spouse closer together and help you navigate hard times or decisions.
In our podcast interview with Ruth Buezis, Ruth shared an example of a couple in her class that had a financial problem. When they couldn’t reach a decision on the issue at hand, the wife turned to her husband and said “we need to have sex” or, in other words, we need to be one. Her husband looked at her funny but once they had sex, they were able to come to a conclusion.
Entering into Oneness
If you’re going to become more intimate, you need to become more grounded yourself. Own who you are and be okay with sharing that with your spouse. Be honest about what you want and desire with your spouse. Be true to yourself and don’t beat around the bush. You lose passion when you are constantly bending to make your spouse’s desires happen and not yours. Speak up but also be ready for what happens when you don’t get what you want or desire.
Many marriages struggle with different desire levels for sex or entering into oneness. Ruth suggests thinking about your spouse. What do you know about them? If your spouse is kind, loving, and would never hurt or use you then remember that when they reach for you sexually. Trust them in that moment and seek God to help you trust in that moment. Reach for God to help you get there and believe that He knows how you feel and that He will help you feel the power, joy, and pleasure that comes from being one. Remember that oneness is more than going through the motions. Have compassion for yourself or your spouse as they navigate their feelings and desires.
There are many different reasons a person may have a low desire. Try to learn more about them rather than trying to fix them. There isn’t anything sexy about feeling like a project to be fixed.
More than Sex
One of the phrases we often hear is that “men just want to have sex”, that sex is all they are interested in. Ruth has found this not to be true. Men in her class constantly tell her that they don’t “just want to have sex”, but that they are often seeking connection with their wives.
Both men and women are guilty of seeking sex, being turned down, and then just rolling over, flipping on the TV, or turning to their phone with disappointment. However, if a connection is really what you’re seeking, ask your spouse if they would be up for cuddling, talking, or just being held. Tell your spouse that you would like to connect and feel close in some way other than sex.
Take the pressure off when seeking sex and when having sex. Presence and connection should be just as important as the mechanics of it. Show up without a plan, create a connection, and explore.
Marriage is meant to be the most intimate, fulfilling relationship that two people can experience. Working on your sex life can be transformative for your marriage and for you. Show up and work on becoming one within marriage as God desires us to and you’ll be amazed at the potential your relationship has.
1. Admin. (2020, September 01). How to embrace your sexuality (even when you’re not having sex). Retrieved March 26, 2021, from https://therefinedwoman.com/the-refined-woman/how-to-embrace-your-sexuality-even-when-youre-not-having-sex
2. Discover god’s design for sex – christian sex classes, blog and speaking – awaken-love. (2019, July 02). Retrieved March 26, 2021, from https://www.awaken-love.net/
3. About Featured Guest Here you will find guest contributors . . . or those who once contributed regularly. (2016, June 14). Two become one. Retrieved March 26, 2021, from https://www.startmarriageright.com/2013/03/two-become-one/#:~:text=Marriage%20is%20meant%20to%20be,uniting%20to%20become%20one%20flesh.&text=After%20marriage%2C%20there%20are%20no,make%20one%20unit%2C%20one%20couple.