Why We Avoid Affection

by | Mar 1, 2024 | General Posts

I want to share a little story with you, one that might just hit close to home for many. Picture this: a couple, entangled not just in the sheets but in a web of unspoken expectations and fears.

He, often yearning for the warmth of physical connection, reaches out for her touch, hoping it might lead to a moment of intimate closeness.

She, on the other hand, finds herself dodging affection like it’s a dodgeball aimed right at her heart.


She’s scared. Scared that a simple hug or a peck might be misconstrued as an open invitation to the bedroom, turning what should be a loving gesture into a heavy burden she’s not ready to carry.

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Their dance becomes one of push and pull, a tango where one partner is trying too hard to lead, and the other is too frightened to follow. He appears needy, she becomes avoidant, and the gap between them widens with every missed step. Sounds familiar?

Here’s where the plot thickens, and the lesson comes in. What if I told you that the secret sauce to a richer, more fulfilling intimate connection doesn’t lie in the grand gestures or the steamy encounters? Nope. It’s all about relaxing into the simplicity of affection, understanding that not every touch is a promise of passion, and not every kiss is a prelude to the main event.

Too many couples fall into the trap of seeing their intimate life as a series of pass/fail tests. Affection becomes a high-stakes game, where every interaction is loaded with the pressure of potential failure. And what do we do when we’re afraid of failing? We avoid playing the game altogether.

Why We Avoid Affection
Why We Avoid Affection

But here’s a revolutionary thought: What if arousal and sex weren’t about passing or failing? Imagine, just for a moment, if we saw our intimate encounters not as a light switch to be flicked on and off but as a dimmer switch, allowing us to revel in the varying shades of connection and desire. Good lovers know that arousal is not just a means to an end but a beautiful destination in itself. They understand that the warmth of a hug, the tenderness of a kiss, can be enjoyed for exactly what they are – expressions of love and affection, no strings attached.

The couple I mentioned earlier? They learned to embrace this mindset, to see their intimate life as a dimmer switch, allowing them to explore the nuances of their desire without the pressure of a predetermined outcome. They discovered the joy in simply being together, in the gentle caress, the shared laughter, the comfort of just lying side by side. And guess what? Their relationship blossomed like never before. They found a deeper, more satisfying connection, not because they were having more sex, but because they were truly connecting, without the fear of ‘failing’ at affection.

Why We Avoid Affection
Why We Avoid Affection

So, dear readers, I encourage you to take a page from their book. Let go of the notion that every intimate moment must lead to sex. Embrace the idea that arousal can be a beautiful experience in itself, without the pressure of what it ‘should’ lead to. Learn to enjoy the warmth of your partner’s touch, the closeness of a shared moment, and find comfort in the knowledge that affection, in its purest form, is a celebration of your connection.

Remember, the best lovers are those who understand the value of a gentle touch, a soft word, and the power of just being together, in the dimly lit spaces of love and affection. Let’s turn down the lights and turn up the love, shall we?

– Dan

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<h3>Dan Purcell</h3>

Dan Purcell

Dan and his wife Emily Purcell are the founders of Get Your Marriage On! They are on a mission to strengthen marriages by making lovemaking incredibly fun and deeply connecting. Dan is a sex coach. They are also the creators of the popular Intimately Us and Just Between Us apps that have been downloaded over 750,000 times. They are the host of the popular Get Your Marriage On! podcast with over 1 million listens. In addition to their coaching program, they host romantic retreat getaways for couples, and put on workshops on how to have a great sex life and deeper intimacy. Dan and Emily met in middle school and have been married for over 20 years and have 6 kids. Dan loves cracking dad jokes, running marathons, planning the next creative date night with his sweetheart, and enjoys the magnificent outdoors around their St George home.

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