A recurring theme I’ve noticed in over 200 episodes of the Get Your Marriage On podcast is that those who are willing to push themselves a little outside their comfort zone experience the most joy and growth in their relationships. And this is also consistent with my own experience.
My guest today is Kaitlin Hawes. She’s a mom and a wife with a great message. You’ll get to hear about what inspired her to reconsider her level of enthusiasm for sexual connection in her marriage and what inspired her to try new things and how a willingness to be honest and vulnerable with her husband opened up new heights of life experiences for her.
You’ll also quickly figure out that Kaitlin is quite creative in and out of the bedroom. This episode is on the spicier side; we’re gonna do a deep dive as we listen to her tips on how to make oral sex great for both men and women, along with the other fun adventures to try as a couple. I hope this episode inspires you to get creative in your own way, in your bedroom (or out of your bedroom!).
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Transcript
This transcript was generated automatically and may contain errors or inaccuracies. For the most accurate and complete experience, we recommend listening to the full podcast episode.
Episode 230
Dan: If you were to ask me what’s one recurring theme I’ve observed about those that enjoy great sexual relationships in their marriage over the last 200 podcast episodes of Get Your Marriage On? I would have to say it’s those that are willing to push themselves a little outside their comfort zone, experience the most joy and growth in their relationships.
This is consistent with my own experience.
Dan: My guest today is Kaitlin Hawes. She’s a mom and a wife with a great message. You’ll get to hear about what inspired her to reconsider her level of enthusiasm for sexual connection in her marriage and what inspired her to try new things and how a willingness to be honest and vulnerable with her husband opened up new heights of life experiences for her.
You’ll also quickly figure out that Kaitlin is quite creative in and outta the bedroom. This episode is on the spicier side. We’re gonna do a deep dive as we listen to her tips on how to make oral sex great for both men and women, along with the other fun adventures to try as a couple. I [00:01:00] hope this episode inspires you to get creative in your own way, in your bedroom, or.
Out of your bedroom,
our Get Your Marriage on Team is growing and we are hiring. If you are passionate about strengthening marriages, love the topic of healthy sexual relationships, or good on camera and creating content, you should apply for our brand ambassador position.
See the show notes below for the link to apply.
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If you’re interested in this discount and believe your marriage can benefit from a weekend with your spouse and learning more about intimacy in your marriage, it’s also gonna be romantic and fun. Please reach out to me by emailing support at Get Your Marriage on.com. We’d love to have you and your spouse attend and benefit from this [00:02:00] transformative experience.
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Kaitlin, welcome to the Get Your Marriage On podcast. How are you today?
Kaitlin: Good, how are you?
Dan: Really good. I know something about you and that is that I saw you say you read 112 books last year. That’s, you’re a, that’s a, you’re a voracious reader. Uh, of all the books you read, what stands out to you?
Kaitlin: Oh, I read so many and I start off with Murder Mystery and The Year and then I slowly got into Dark Romance where I found my favorite book, which was The Ritual by Chantal Tressier. And it’s a beautiful dark romance story that just kind of got my head spinning about this couple that really they’re passionate about each other.
And then they get, Very intimate, very dirty, and they test each other’s boundaries, and it got me thinking about what are my boundaries? [00:03:00]
And I wanted to ask my husband if he would help explore with them with me, so I asked if he would do a more vigorous oral sex, we’ll call it, and I
went in thinking I’m gonna be so good at it because I know my husband, I know my skills, I’m gonna blow him away, and it just, it did not go that well.
But
Dan: Uh huh. Uh huh.
Kaitlin: where I was thinking, you Okay, I’m gonna try again, and I just, I kept going for it. I kept wanting to do it because I was And I was excited about his enthusiasm because he was excited about my enthusiasm. So we just kind of kept building off of each other’s enthusiasm because we’re four years into our marriage.
We got two kids, we got a mortgage, we hit a little plateau and this kind of brought us out of that and reignited our excitement for each other. So I decided to
just keep. Building off of it in the books that I kept reading by Chantel kept inspiring me to try other things like I tried That oral sex, but what about let’s try some light like bondage.
Let’s try this like [00:04:00] they’re going outside and doing things Why don’t we go out in the lawn in the middle of May and try something and just kind of find that fun of it But by reading about it, I thought thinking about it and just kind of embedded itself in my mind
Dan: That’s so good. Why is this so important that couples invest in their sexual relationship with enthusiasm, like what you and your husband are doing?
Kaitlin: Enthusiasm to me is such a big building block about your sex life because you get in and you’re comfortable with each other. And that’s a beautiful thing, but we end up settling ourselves sexually because we get comfortable. We get used to just doing missionary and just lightly doing things just because we know it pleases each other that we stop thinking about the bigger picture.
So going into it with enthusiasm, there’s nothing better than that. Bad that can happen because you’re excited to just try it and even if you do like I did you fail at it then okay Let’s change things up and kind of reignite that spark But nothing is more attractive to me than looking at my husband being happy and like asking to please [00:05:00] him And he knows that i’m excited about it it’s such a good feeling because you’re starting off in a happy place that you don’t want to just Roll over and be like do you wanna that doesn’t excite anyone but like Getting up in the night and being like, it’s 2 a.
m. I’m awake, like, hey, that just takes such a good place in your heart, that it’s coming from true love, I feel.
Dan: Yeah, I like that. That true love. So what are some of the outcomes in life that you’ve experienced as you and your husband really invested more into something a little more, I don’t know, adventurous or enthusiastic together?
Kaitlin: Our communication, just from like, we’re getting more of our basic needs, not just sexually, but just truly connecting. And we’ve got two kids, and it’s hard, and life is stressful, but just being able to also, like, We’re excited. We’re squaring off time. We want more date nights. We want more communication and the confidence.
Like this happened all in February and then come May we’re signing it for 10 Ks. We ran our first half marathon together. We started pushing ourselves out of our comfort [00:06:00] zone just because we had a new found confidence. And my husband looked at me, he’s like, I want to start teaching again. I want to inspire other like EMT students and really give back more because he’s finding his confidence in his voice and his.
profession. It’s, it’s just such a great inspiring field because we go back to the basics. Like, you start off marriage, you’re newlyweds, you’re excited, there’s love in the air, and then the world’s open to you. And we kind of forget about that the longer we stay in marriage. Like, we’re in five years now and we’re like, okay, I still love you, but like, what is truly next for us?
Dan: Yeah, yes, you keep pushing that instead of just settling or plateauing. That’s
really good. Really good. Any other stories you want to share about how this newfound communication, newfound connectedness has helped you through something difficult or something where otherwise or your old self kind of wouldn’t have handled as well.
But now that you’re together in this better, you can endure it better
Kaitlin: I
feel like not just our stress levels have come [00:07:00] down just because not just like if you put aside just like pleasingness it’s just being able to take on more and like we’re looking at taking in this beautiful dry cabin and like it needs a septic it needs all these things it’s a massive undertaking but we’re going into it kind of looking at it like okay we can handle this we can handle the stress we can handle all of this because we’re finding each other better.
Communicating and being able to sit down and have the tough conversations, like, you have money problems, that’s hard, but being able to take those money problems, sit down and like, look at them clearly, because you can communicate eye to eye, I feel like sex is such a big part of that, because We did have a long break after we had kids.
I had my second daughter and it was hard on me physically and for six months we weren’t having sex and then we’re angry at each other all the time. We have a newborn baby and it just things pile up very easily when we’re not connecting and we forget that our sexual sides, if we put those in a closet, we can’t communicate as well because we’re denying part of ourselves.
Dan: So you’ve [00:08:00] invested the more part of a year to getting really good at oral sex together as a couple. I want to hear your absolute best tips. Can you give our listeners maybe four to five of your favorite oral sex tips? And let’s do first your tips on like the woman to the man and then
later from the man to the woman. And then we’ll see where we go from there.
Kaitlin: yeah. For a woman to man, I feel like my biggest tip is saliva. Like the messier the better, but I feel like my husband, the best thing he ever said to me was like, I like when you like drool when you spit and everything. And it got me thinking because that’s something he never said to me. We’ve been together like a decade.
We’ve spent a lot of time together. And then to me, it just kind of made me realize that like, it truly is better for both parties. If there is more saliva, there’s more spit, more contact of that, just because everything slides easier. And it’s not, it’s not a grind banking thing, but to me, it kind of like really got me thinking.
I was [00:09:00] like, wow, okay, that makes sense. And then also that communication of his pleasure. And then my second best tip would be the mechanic of like your mouth and your hand moving together. Because let’s think
most of us cannot. Deep throat. We are not porn stars here. We are average people. We need to
be able to Include everything so the rhythm to me of realizing that like, okay You don’t need to actually fully wrap your hand around it by using two fingers and a thumb just enough with the mouth You can get that full movement and that it’s great for men because they’re fully getting pleasured and it’s wonderful but also the confidence that you’re giving yourself because you’re like I know what i’m doing.
I know this is gonna feel good and that kind of excites them As well that
confidence is sexy and that’s a huge tip for regardless of the gender just going and I mean like I’m gonna do this and I can take a criticism like let’s take ourselves
down a notch like
being criticized isn’t a bad thing and I’ve gotten plenty for my husband about things because we’re trying crazy things [00:10:00]
Dan: Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
Kaitlin: that feedback is important because maybe he won’t like but maybe he wants the full hand okay let’s adjust our expectations
Dan: Uhhuh.
Kaitlin: best tip is um I want to call it throat training also.
Like
there’s a lot of great tools you can use. Um, they’re called good head, they’re throat numbing sprays, and there are wonderful products that
you use if you want to start off getting a little bit more, let’s say vigorous with your partner and you want to do
things a little bit rougher, it kind of helps numb.
But the one warning I give about these sprays is you don’t want to get too used to them. You want to try them, try them without, try them, try them without, because you don’t want to rely on anything. To give you good head you
want your skills and also you don’t want that barrier that like, oh wait hun I need to grab that.
Like, if you want me now have your way with me is my biggest like word of advice. So just kind of
training ourselves to do things in a different way
by using the spray as a tool but not the product. If you’re going to do that, my best, [00:11:00] best way, and it’s very controversial, is if you sit on the corner of your bed and you tilt your head back and
you kind of just open things up and you want to make sure your head isn’t too far back. You can get a beautiful session through that way, but it’s just, word of the wise, start off slow.
Start off gentle if we’re going to try and then slowly build up your pattern with your confidence, but that has been a game changer doing that just because it is, it’s fun for everyone. Let’s
just say, .
Dan: And so what you’re describing is you’re, you’re kind of laying on the corner of the bed or the edge of the bed with, you’re laying on your back with kind of your head almost over the edge
and he is standing by the edge of the bed or, or near the edge of the bed for that.
Kaitlin: yeah, just kind of laying back, but not like you don’t want your head fully off the side of the bed. So the blood’s rushing, you kind of want just that tilted
up kind of 90 degree a little bit, just leaving things
open so you can enter at your will.[00:12:00]
Dan: Very good. Very good. Great. Any other, like creative or like fun ways to incorporate more, I don’t know, just to kind of make it more lighthearted and fun.
Uh
Kaitlin: Yeah, my out of the box very Exciting one is taking a fruit roll up and wrapping it around your spouse’s um penis and it’s not You It’s not a common thought that a lot of women have, and I totally admit that, but it’s fun just because it’s taking a very, um, tasty product and adding it to a very intimate area, but it has no side effects.
It’s like, not gonna burn, it’s not anything crazy you have to worry about, cause it’s, it’s something you can eat, but it makes it sticky and a very soft texture. salivating way and it gives you something to really work at. You gotta, you’re down
there for a bit and it’s kind of exciting for the man to receive because you, it’s not just a suck in motion.
You have to lick and tease and it kind of creates an exciting experience and a very tasty one if you are doing it.
Dan: Uh huh.[00:13:00]
Kaitlin: And my
biggest tip is if you’re doing it, do not wrap it like a candy cane. Just kind of do a little bit, goes a very long way. And then just remember to clean it off before you have any sex.
But it’s just, it’s very fun because I like to do it for holidays, birthday kind of thing. Not an everyday thing, but it’s kind of a fun once in a while thing as a couple. Just because it’s fun for me and it’s fun for him. But it’s not something that’s very like, you have to pre plan it for it. You can just buy a giant box and keep it in your pantry.
Dan: Nice. Or in your bedroom.
Kaitlin: Yes,
yes.
Dan: Great. All right. What are your best tips then for the other direction? A man, performing oral sex on his wife.
Kaitlin: The biggest thing if I, think about it for me on our, oral journey, receiving it is admitting to myself that I feel very vulnerable, and it’s probably because of internal, external genitalia, if we get down to it, it’s just because, like, how you feel.
But working on it to me, the best [00:14:00] way I feel confident is kind of Relaxing and realizing that, like, this is my husband, he knows me, body and soul, and it’s okay to open myself up.
And once I get through that mental barrier, it was like, the sky is purple to me. Like, everything is brand new, just because I found confidence in my body and myself. Anatomically, just being like, it’s okay to let go. Can be intimate So
the biggest thing to me is figuring out to yourself how to feel confident and then embracing it for some of my friends I’ve talked about it’s um allowing like they ride their husband’s face Just because they feel more confident being on top being able to choose like how much weight they press on themselves And that to me
I think is empowering as well because it’s a lot of men out there who love that who love it So it’s just great to see them try to take you that confidence and boom it
Dan: Yeah, it gives you a little more control. So if you’re not quite confident yet, at least you know how to position your body where you want it to be and so on.
Kaitlin: Yes, and that’s leads beautifully into like my second point is the confidence and [00:15:00] control there But also like figuring out what feels good for you being on top is a great way to bigger figure out as a couple like Where where do you want to go? Where where it feels good what position and then kind of you can take that into Beautiful other places and he can be on top once you figure out how you like it and what you like you can build upon It so for a lot of women You Being on top is the best way to figure it out because you can move your pelvis and tilt her up or tilt her down and that gives the control of the pleasure, which a lot of people, we need a little bit more help.
And we’re figuring out what we like when we’re very early on in our oral pleasure journey.
Dan: Great. Any other tips?
Kaitlin: Tip that kind of goes off is not being scared of toys. You can do a lot of
oral sex with also a lot of extra, you know, not just hands and fingers, but external and internal pleasure together is a very delicate thing. So not being scared to add on to that is my biggest thing because it can be hot for everyone.
Figuring out what feels great [00:16:00] where so never being afraid
to like add on to it and not just sticking to like the basic Okay, we’re gonna try this and because a lot of women don’t understand what feels good So being able to add a little extra stuff and it’s just I feel like Anatomically as a woman it’s harder when you don’t know what you like because we shelve ourselves off and that’s true for men as well When you’re figuring out what you like, you don’t always expand upon like well this works and this gets me to xyz But figuring out As a couple and a person, what feels great when we go beyond those doors?
Dan: gotcha. So a lot of it’s like giving yourself permission like
Kaitlin: Yes. And that’s the biggest I want to explore this I I deserve this is my right This is for me to enjoy
Yes, and there’s nothing wrong with that when we’re doing it safely in a good place. And I feel like a lot of that needs to come for that place of love that I want to pleasure you not because it’s a chore or not because like, okay, you need it and it’s Wednesday. But being like, I want to pleasure you because I love you because you are a great [00:17:00] person.
You are a great spouse. And for a lot of my friends as we enter our Era of having kids and like changing jobs and everything reconnecting that intimacy. And the biggest thing I like to tell them is I remind myself Often that I love my husband not just because he’s physically appealing but he’s a good person He’s kind and that you know often recharge us sexually when we’ve been together We break down our walls and we look at each other from a good place and then we get excited again because we love this person because they’re a good person and not just because, oh, he’s beautiful and he’s six feet tall.
Dan: Yeah. Yeah, I heard one woman once say like she had hang ups around his penis. And I, and that’s not uncommon for women to kind of be intimidated by or just off, be off putting. And then another woman said, but it’s connected to a really good soul.
And that really helped her understand like when we have sex, it’s not just about genitals and it’s not about appendages [00:18:00] and positions and technique that these are all connected to our soul.
Like who is it that we’re being with? And that’s who we’re making love to. Not, we’re not making love to a phallus. We’re making love to a
Kaitlin: And that,
that’s probably why some of us do like plateau the longer we stay married. It’s because we change so much. We have kids, we get mortgages, we like, our waistline goes back, the hairline goes back, and it’s like, the best marriages are the ones who don’t just love each other when they’re hot and they’re 20.
It’s when they realize, okay, we’ve built 40 years of marriage, and we’ve had kids, and we’re great, but like, your soul’s still there, and I’m still attracted to you. And often I feel
like we need to remind ourselves, because there’s a lot of people who, I feel like they give up too soon on their sex lives, because they look over and they’re like, UGH.
But it’s like, okay, that waste built you a house. That waste loves you body and soul. So it’s just kind of remembering to not get caught in such a superficial society and remember that like who we are [00:19:00] matters. And that’s why intimacy connects so much when we break apart those and really connect completely naked and love each other.
And that’s why we thrive so much is because we’re no longer scared anymore.
Dan: That’s so good. All right, let’s get some more plateau busting ideas from you, Kaitlin. What some other, uh, fun and exciting things, uh, you may or may not have, whether you can, uh, confirm or deny? Some fun things for, for our listeners to think about that they may not think about usually.
Uh huh.
Kaitlin: to me, I hate schedules. Like, I hate I Don’t like, like Tuesdays at 6 p. m. we’re gonna throw down. I love the spontaneity and the I must have you now action. And that’s so important as a newlywed and as a couple, you have that, you’re excited, you just bought a house, you want to christen every room.
Like I want
that mentality. So I love surprising my husband and just like randomly, okay, I get up because our dog has to go out and then waking him up with a kiss [00:20:00] and a hug and kind of just remembering to have fun. Fun with it and that could be with like, okay, I just bought this new lingerie. Can I model it for you?
And sometimes it does come back to like trying something new and oh, I just saw this went well on Amazon. Like do you want to try it and just constantly being open to doing new things as a couple for us recently. It was um, a waterproof blanket.
It’s not. Yeah. We have one of those. Uhhuh.
Yes, it’s. It’s such a great like I think it should be on every wedding registry ever, but it’s
a little hot button for that But it just it was exciting because it was like, okay, it’s a water child.
It’s a waterproof But let’s see what this baby’s made of like, let’s try it out And it’s just like a
simple thing that both Yeah, that had us like both excited and it wasn’t even like, oh, what can, what body fluid? It was like, we could go from the shower and immediately hop on it. We don’t need towels anymore was the mentality of it.
And then it just got us
excited to like, let’s go take a shower together. And it’s just the simple out of the box thinking doesn’t always have to be like, okay, [00:21:00] like, let’s go to Canada and like do it on a plane. Like it could just be simple. It’s Tuesday night. Have you watched this? Like this new show?
And then, Oh, Oh, we got distracted.
Dan: That show will have to wait.
Kaitlin: Yeah, just
connecting in any way, I feel like, usually leads to these beautiful, tender, intimate moments, and it doesn’t even fully have to be sex. It can just, squaring off little times for indice, I feel like they’re rose buds, and they slowly just continue to bloom bigger and bigger when you start
planting them.
Beautiful metaphor.
Really proud of myself for that one.
Dan: Yeah. I like that. That’s a great metaphor about that. But Kaitlin, inside of you, you’ve made a commitment and you’ve decided ahead of time, I’m going to try to be spontaneous. Like that’s beautiful, right?
So that’s what you’re doing. You’re like, I’m going to choose to try to make these things happen, where I
think it’s so easy. The default would be, I don’t think [00:22:00] about these things. I don’t try for these things and therefore nothing really happens. You’re like planting that seed for the spontaneity to happen. Okay.
Kaitlin: just thought being scared and closing ourselves off because we’ve been through times where I’ve closed myself off and I’ve seen the repercussions. So just choosing to open yourself up, I feel like it can lead to to the possibilities. And then also, like, initiating your wants and your desires. And I, empowering my husband to tell me, like, when things are going wrong, and he doesn’t feel like we’re getting that connection.
And just opening your eyes up during sex, I feel like it’s such a huge thing for young couples to not do. Like, going into my sexual journey, I was keeping my eyes so closed, I didn’t want to look at anything. And then finally realizing, like, coming into womanhood in my marriage, being like, no, I want to see my husband.
I want to see him, body and soul, and just choosing that, and for a lot of, even men and women, we both probably do it, just realizing that why are we shutting our eyes, and that stereotypical norm shouldn’t happen because we’re closing off that connection.
Dan: [00:23:00] Right. Sometimes we close our eyes because we don’t want to be seen.
Kaitlin: Yes!
And
Dan: I don’t want you to see me right here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kaitlin: and That’s, not going to
change anything. intimacy. Yeah, yeah. I think it’s hard, like, there’s an author that I really like. His name is Dr. David Schnarch. And he has a book called, Intimacy and Desire.
Dan: Where is it? Passionate marriage. He’s written one of those books. And he tells a story of working with his editor, trying to find a photo to put on the cover. And he specifically wanted a couple who is kissing with their eyes open. So we’re looking through all the stock photography, everything possible,
and not a single couple is kissing with their eyes open.
It’s like, that’s my whole point of the book is to
have to go into this metaphorically, you know, eyes, open sex. And, and he, anyway, That’s, that’s such a, metaphorically or even figuratively, literally, when you can have your eyes open in that sexual relationship. That’s, that, Shakespeare said, the eyes are a window to the soul.
You’re
inviting someone into your soul with your [00:24:00] eyes. So,
it’s
Kaitlin: it’s one of the last barriers, I feel like, as a couple that needs to come down. You can be married, you can be into it, you can be into love, but like, until we’re truly able to embrace ourselves and embrace our spouse, you’re never going to get that beautiful connection because you’re not intimacy, like, prepared.
You’re not prepared from yourself. And for me, what I finally was able to be like, okay, I want to open my eyes. I want to be confident and embracing myself. It was really hard. So I got beautiful advice from our Instagram reel, as many of us do, of Megan Trainor. She went to a therapist and her therapist told her to stand in front of a mirror, completely naked for five minutes every single day and look over your body.
And I started doing it and it felt crazy. And I hated it. I wanted to break the mirror. It’s a lot to take in. And I, but finally like a week, two weeks in, I finally was like, okay, I’m okay with myself. I’m beautiful. I was made beautifully. I am beautiful. I I’ve done all these healthy things in my life. I’ve had kids, I can do this.
[00:25:00] And then finally when I was confident and unleashed some confidence in my husband that like, okay. The shower door is open. I don’t care if you see me. I don’t need this towel
anymore. I’m not gonna be shy all the time and choose when you see me. You can see me all the time. And that confidence was crazy wonderful for him because he was seeing this confidence in me and this true happiness.
So he’s a bit happier because I’m no longer like, Oh no, I need a card again. I’m like, okay, look at me.
Dan: Uh huh, yeah, exactly. Yeah, that’s great. There’s so many people that, could use that advice, whether they, you know, stand in front of a mirror.
Um, I’ve known women that have, decided to go get a boudoir photo shoot, for
example. And we’ve had some of those, we’ve done previous episodes on that. And they’re sitting with the photographer at their, uh, second appointment where they go through the photos to
decide which ones they’re going to keep or whatever. And it’s always such a strong emotional experience. They’re like, That’s [00:26:00] me. That’s me on that
screen. Holy cow. I look so good. And it’s such a transformative experience for a lot of them. And, there’s the body aspect, but I think it’s a lot deeper than that too. Sometimes like yourself, like I’ve run a half marathon and just the confidence you get from doing hard things.
is like now, now it shows up differently in the bedroom. I am a person capable of doing this and this and this. And eventually I’m a person capable of loving deeper because you have more courage and confidence to, to love at a deeper level than you ever have.
Kaitlin: yeah. Embracing ourselves is just, it’s a big part of that first half of the journey, because you’re half of the couple, so you need to embrace who we are to become a we, and then the confidence of loving my body, I was able to be like, okay, I love when you do this, but I don’t really love when you put your fingers inside me like that, and being able to have the confidence to vocalize it, and the confidence to receive feedback, and that’s a huge one, you Is being able to have your partner [00:27:00] tell you I love when you do this, but not need to compliment sandwich I don’t need you to be like, I love your hair and your eyes, but I don’t love your blowjobs Like I want you
to look at me and tell me and help me help me help you This is the biggest tip out there is talking and receiving.
I love when you drool like this. Okay I love drooling so i’m not gonna wipe away my spit anymore and feel self conscious. It’s just talking An open line of communication leads to better because then eventually you’re not going to need words. You know that you love when your leg’s lifted so he’s going to do it for you and it’s just becoming that true intimacy is breaking down that like self confidence of I’m good at head.
Okay, maybe you’re not and that’s okay. We need to learn because every person’s different. So when we come together as a couple, what maybe your boyfriend liked before your husband is not going to be the same.
Dan: Yeah. I also like that. What you’re painting here is that, In the reality is when couples have good sex, there’s a lot of communication going on
in the moment. we forget that. Anything else you want to [00:28:00] say on that?
Kaitlin: Some of the best communication, like, non verbal in the bedroom is like, the more silent it is. The me, the bigger problem is the best sex
isn’t silent. It’s doesn’t even have to be like dirty talk. It’s just that uncoupling of yourself and the natural grind of things that you come together and maybe whatever happens and you say, honey, dear, whatever naturally comes out.
It just, when people are like, I had so silenced, I could hear the L train like open and people get off and come back on. Like, that’s a problem to me that we don’t think about. It’s like, we shouldn’t have to hold back anything. And we are unconsciously doing that. And I feel like as a woman, personally, I did that for many years.
I just, I was not making a single noise because I was like comparing myself to porn that’s not real, that’s staged.
So just the natural, no, the natural moan and groan and grunt and whatever naturally happens and releasing that is insane because the mental is gone.[00:29:00]
Dan: You mentioned dirty talk. Is that an area where you’ve kind of grown personally a little more?
Kaitlin: It is, and it’s an unexpected one, because I never, never in my wildest life would think that I’d like some form of dirty talk, just because I read a lot of romance books, and the dirty talk was insane. And I was like, that’s,
that’s way too much for me. But I understand, like, it’s an industry, it’s like porn, like, the dirty talks are organic.
But I won’t even call it like half dirty talk. It’s like the talk that happens where it’s like, Oh my God, I love, I love when you like suck me, baby. Like I love those natural words that come out and it’s like the yes. And
like the saying each other’s name or like, Honey, look at me or like grabbing each other’s hand.
It’s the non verbal things that like build up to the verbal things. It doesn’t have to be crazy. And I hate when women are like try too hard with the
dirty talk. It
Dan: manufactured. it’s too produced
Kaitlin: Yeah, I just
Dan: to do that. It’s, it’s inorganic.
Kaitlin: yes the
Dan: very well.
Kaitlin: praises to me I feel like they’re always a great point [00:30:00] to build off if you want to build some form of dirty talk It’s like
the you’re doing great.
I love when you do that or you look so beautiful right now Just like the praises we give each other because it’s coming from a good place We’re receiving that pressure and we love that pressure but also reminding the other person that like you’re seeing them As a whole, and also you love what they’re doing.
That, to me, is such a beautiful, dirty talk spot just to live in.
Dan: That’s good. Great. So Kaitlin, there’s nothing wrong with the missionary position. Let’s just get that out there. I think if you survey most couples, like 80 percent of them, that’s their favorite way to, to enjoy each other.
There’s something nice about that face to face position, but we always want to improve things, right? We don’t want to stay in the plateau, like what you’re talking about. What are
any of your favorite tips to make missionary even more wonderful than it already is? Uh
Kaitlin: yeah, most people know about the pillow rule. They’re like, tilting up a woman’s pelvis automatically improves the pleasure for her. So [00:31:00] my number
one tip that I, my go to is a pillow or two pillows, or even if you take one pillow up a little higher and then help elevate the back a little bit, it just kind of Things
don’t enter, yeah, it’s not, it’s not, like plumbing, like, things don’t enter just beautifully at a 90 degree angle.
Like, a man’s
penis naturally goes up, so just elevating her hips, it also helps with a little bit softer of a landing. Because you, when you really get going, you’re very vigorous and you’re having fun, sometimes you get that little bounce back from the bed where her hips and your hips kinda, it hurts a little bit.
And as we age, we all need a little bit, a little bit softer of a landing going on.
So the pillows are great to me. And then if you are a little bit, let’s say flexible or doing some Pilates, maybe I love
taking one leg. And if you elevate it onto you, you can do the, um, the kind of the natural fold in your arm or the shoulder, just leaching up one leg.
You can just get a little bit. Open of [00:32:00] our pelvis a little bit open of her legs and a very deeper landing And it also it’s kind of it’s a little bit racy no matter like I’ve been doing it for years But every time we do it, I’m like, oh my god, I’m
flexible I’m doing this and it’s kind of it’s exciting for both of us because he’s seeing that enjoyment and also my face and also he’s Like I am doing this with my wife.
I’m a man. Which is never a bad thing to build up your spouse You In any type of way, but also, like, to masculinate them or to make me feel more feminine because I’m a dainty woman, he’s lifting my leg, like, there’s just an enjoyment to that that is not spoken about enough because we’re having fun, but also we’re feeling good about ourselves and we’re doing dirty things that when the next morning I’m at coffee with my friends and I’m thinking, like, I did that with my husband last night.
Dan: That’s so good. That’s great. I think another convenient place for couples to get it on is in the shower. Yet, some are hesitant to try because they’re like, they really haven’t wrapped their mind around how it’s going to work out. So, let’s hear your shower sex tips.
Kaitlin: Shower [00:33:00] sex is fun because you have that beginning of like, you’re slowly building up to it. You’re both in the shower, and everyone loves taking a shower together just because it’s fun. Soapy there’s very to think of it as like there’s low expectations. I offer to get in the shower with you We don’t know which way it’s gonna go and it kind of slowly For a couple be a good stepping stone just slowly reopen up the intimacy but if you’re going to do oral in the shower and It gets complicated because as we think about it, things naturally need to be lubricated and water washes away the lubrication.
So the
best ways that I fiddle around with it because it’s something that I don’t want to give up on because it’s fun. It’s warm. I want to keep doing it.
So we keep adjusting and figuring it out. It’s just the natural way is kind of use your body to block the water or turning the shower head for a woman giving a man pleasure.
I love to physically have him kind of put these forums on the wall and make a beautiful. TP over her, you almost do want to call
it, just to kind of filter the water.
Dan: the shower of the rain. Yeah, uh,
Kaitlin: Yeah, yeah, [00:34:00] he kind of takes
it and
then you can get things every sloppy web and perform and then For a woman to a man, everyone thinks it’s wild, but my husband is six feet tall and he can sit on our shower floor.
It’s a little, it’s a little stand up shower. He can get down there. So like, remember that you can fit on the floor as hard as it may seem. Like, your dedication matters. And then I just
turn the shower head at that point because like, there’s not much I can block. And just remembering to like, have the shower running on you, but not washing over you, is the biggest tip for sex wise and oral sex.
Because like, We’re gonna slip and fall. If we have sex with that
shower running on us, you’re going to slip and fall. So I like to move things off to the side when we have sex. And then remember, like, be wary of what we’re holding our body weight on.
My father in law is a plumber, and he had a couple that kept breaking the shower bar because they kept holding weight on it.
So he very, very lovingly [00:35:00] asked them if he could install a weight bearing bar for them. So that’s something to consider if you are someone that’s super into shower sex, to add something that’s weight bearing so we don’t break things.
Dan: huh.
Kaitlin: And then just remembering to be careful what soaps we use because not everything can go internally.
Dan: Mm hmm. of beautiful, All, um, oil based lubes, water based lubes that we can use in the shower that will stick around. So those are something you can easily get on Amazon. Because the water is washing over you, so if you are dry, it does not mean you love your spouse anymore. It does not mean you’re not a rouser smart.
Kaitlin: It’s just there’s water running. So we just need to remember that we need to add lubrication to make sure we’re not hurting each other.
Dan: Yeah, that’s great. Great tips. That’s so good.
Kaitlin: I spent a lot of trial and error.
Dan: up. Yeah, that’s good. As we button this up, any, advice for couples on how to get more on the same page sexually? I like to use the metaphor of like getting to a good base camp. You’re going to hike up the mountain [00:36:00] together, but you want to start at a good base camp.
Place where you’re both together so you can take this journey together. anything in the relationship, any way to communicate any, things that you’ve learned from your past and your experience that can really help couples kind of get more on that same page sexually.
Kaitlin: For me, the biggest thing is like stripping it back and getting back to a neutral place where you can sit down and just talk about anything, but not feel like it’s coming from a negative place. There’s no charge. No one’s angry at something like you can’t go into a topic conversation of intimacy. When you’re mad because he didn’t put away the dishes like we need to have a neutral location and maybe it’s a restaurant.
Maybe it’s you go on a hike to just doing something where it’s a neutral ground where we can have those conversations and then remembering that the feedback isn’t as personal as it feels.
Dan: Mm hmm.
Kaitlin: you’re not kissing enough and it doesn’t mean you’re being a horrible wife It just means like he wants more kisses because he’s missing that intimacy like direction and just [00:37:00] taking all the feedback And maybe we walk away afterwards We have our conversation and we don’t we don’t speak for an hour or two and coming back in a loving place And remembering that everything is we’re fighting for our relationship.
We’re fighting for our marriage and to me i’m always telling my husband I want to fight because it means you’re still like you’re in this like You Problem is, we’re not caring anymore, and that’s where deeper issues lie. So having that intimacy base, and realizing that you’re both getting on the same page because you want to stay here, and you want to be married, and you want to do this, that’s a beautiful conversation to even start off with.
And say, hey, I love you, I want to do this, but I think we could do better because I miss having sex with you and knowing that you enjoy it. So it’s just coming at it from a good place, It’s very hard, and I’m gonna be the first to say that, like, we had a six month
spout of no sex, and that conversation, my husband sat me down, he’s like, you’re a beautiful wife, you’re a great mother, you’re doing all these great things, but we’re not having sex anymore.
I cried. And I’m not proud of it, I shouldn’t have cried, but it’s [00:38:00] a knee jerk reaction when we’re told negative feedback to be upset about it. But eventually, a week later, I was chatting with my friend and I was like, he said this, can you believe that? And she’s like, he said that because he loves you and he wants to stay with you.
You don’t need to be upset. You need to remember that he’s fighting for you and that it’s okay to not be ready right now, but why aren’t you ready for intimacy? And just having the internal dialogue with yourself about like the mental check, where am I at and how am I processing this?
Dan: That is so good. Put a good friend you had to
help you see a different perspective to all of that.
That’s good. We all could use a good friend.
Kaitlin: yes, we
definitely, I feel like we definitely do on a sexual journey, like, it could even be, you know, a community that you’re on, big talk, um, the book talk community, and it’s just a bunch of people talking about spicy books, but just having that, like, community of people who are, you know, Doing the spicy book things and just remembering that there’s other people out there and that we’re not alone And that other people are going through with this and it’s just hard because in our [00:39:00] marriage You feel very alone when you’re having issues because you’re like, oh my god.
I’m having troubles my marriage, honey Everyone has troubles in their marriage. We’re not alone and just taking that negativity of like you’re not alone. It’s okay You just have to dig a little deeper
Dan: That’s good. Well, this has been a wonderful conversation. Where can people go to follow you? Learn more about what you do. And if
Kaitlin: Oh, goodness. I am the spicy bluey mom on TikTok, Instagram, YouTube. If it’s out there, I try to be on there because I want to talk, I want to talk to the world.
Dan: YouTube, you’ll notice she’s wearing her blue shirt
Kaitlin: Oh, yes.
Dan: yeah, that’s your signature piece. That’s so good. Great. Thank you.
Kaitlin: Thank you.
Dan: Thank you for listening to this episode, please share it along with our apps and timidly us. And just between us with their married friends. I promise they will thank you for life. If you want a more meaningful sexual and intimate connection in your marriage, [00:40:00] I invite you to check out my, get your marriage on program.
Over a hundred couples have said this program packs tremendous value and has helped their intimacy grow to the next level. Now go get your marriage on.
